Handling Teasing

[Zapbasket]

I've been dating N. for almost 3 months now. It's clear to me he's a genuinely nice, decent person and for the most part I enjoy his company. But he teases me a lot (and I notice he does it with his family, as well). This weekend, for example, we played tennis; I'm very naturally athletic but have never taken a tennis lesson and so I lack "technique"; and every time I missed a ball he'd roll his eyes or tell me to use my brain, etc. He's not speaking maliciously, or getting angry; it's "good-natured" in that he laughs and then when I did complete a nice volley he'd say, "Great job!" I played along, and tried to join in on the spirit of the teasing, but secretly I decided that I'd rather work on my tennis by myself or with someone else who would make me feel "safer" being a beginner.

 

This is just one of many examples. I know if I were to just walk out on the relationship because of this issue, he'd be shocked, mortified, and remorseful.

 

He's told me I need to "toughen up" and that really made me upset. Yes, I'm very sensitive, but I can be playful and teasing when I feel safe and the effect of his teasing is making me feel unsafe. I want a relationship to be a sanctuary from all the other worldly BS we have to deal with; I want to feel like my partner thinks I am wonderful and in return I want to make him feel wonderful. I don't know how to handle this situation in a way that really makes him see it's not that teasing is bad all-round, but that there's too much of it and maybe sometimes of the wrong kind.

 

Another thing that set off alarm bells for me was when we went kite-flying the other day. I've never flown a stunt kite--where you have two strings and really have to control the nose of the kite or it will dive down into the ground. As I struggled to get the feel of it, my kite crashed dozens of times. N. was sweet in fetching my kite and untangling the strings time and time again. But he constantly made comments about my performance, again in that "teasing" tone...and the comments started to get to me. After we were done, I tried to teasingly protest that when someone is doing something for the first time, they're not going to get it perfectly right away. This was in response to him saying to me, again in that "teasing" tone, that a career as a stunt kite flyer clearly is not in my future. He responded with, "Well, whenever I've tried something for the first time, I usually do a pretty good job of it."

 

And I found that borderline hostile. Why say that except to hurt the other person's feelings? I told him right there, in a calm voice, "Why would you say something like that? I don't like it; it's not very nice." And that's when he told me I need to toughen up.

 

And then, as we were driving home, he said, "It's really easy to get under your skin." I replied, "Maybe so." And he said, "Whenever I see it's easy to get under someone's skin, it just eggs me on more." And by this point I was privately irritated. I didn't like that what I wnated to be a nice relaxing time flying a kite in a field on a beautiful day with my new romantic interest had to be made into this test of "kite flying performance." It took away some of the fun for me, and just like the tennis, I thought to myself, I'd rather go fly a kite by myself next time so that I can learn how to do it without constant commentary from N.

 

I'm feeling like if this keeps up, I'm walking. But I want to let him know how much I don't like it in a way he really gets, since he doesn't seem to get it yet. And give him a chance to alter his behavior. How do you address an issue like teasing, where the other person can always fall back on "I was only kidding; don't take me so seriously"?

[westrock]

He responded with, "Well, whenever I've tried something for the first time, I usually do a pretty good job of it."

 

I would seriously doubt what he says. Well, he's not doing a pretty good job of being in a relationship.

 

This sounds like a power struggle and he wants you to think that he is better than you. Usually that happens because of his own internal fears of failure or weakness. He probably has low self-esteem. When someone tells you to "use your brain" and to "tougen up", they are usually repeating what was told to them, usually by their parents, when they were growing up. He's just repeating the same back to you in an effort to cover up his own insecurities. How do his parents treat him?

 

How do you address an issue like teasing, where the other person can always fall back on "I was only kidding; don't take me so seriously"?

 

You address it by being serious in your response. When he says any of his criticisms or he says "I was only kidding...", you say in response with a straight face looking straight at him, "It's not funny to me and I don't appreciate those types of comments. A relationship is not a competition. You either accept me the way I am or I cannot do this anymore. It's your choice."

Edited May 30, 2010 by westrock

[TaraMaiden]

(. . .)

I told him right there, in a calm voice, "Why would you say something like that? I don't like it; it's not very nice." And that's when he told me I need to toughen up.

 

And then, as we were driving home, he said, "It's really easy to get under your skin." I replied, "Maybe so." And he said, "Whenever I see it's easy to get under someone's skin, it just eggs me on more."

 

Of all the comments you've raised in your post, this blared out at me, louder than anything else.

He wants control, and he's pleased it gets to you, because it stimulates him to push his point harder.

 

Because he knows his stance makes you feel uncomfortable, and therefore, he is gaining the upper hand.

 

If this didn't stimulate him - if he understood how hurtful it is - then he would modify his tone and be more respectful.

but it eggs him on more.

This is the kind of behaviour that in time will escalate and eventually crush your self-esteem under his foot.

He's 'playfully' bullying you, and in time, I would say he will think nothing of openly criticising you and belittling you in public, to the extent that it might even eventually make others uncomfortable to witness it.....

 

If you'd like my opinion, I would personally end it here.

all attempts on your part to clarify and explain how you feel, have basically been met with 'playful' derision and criticism of your feelings and opinion. he disrespects your opinion, because by making you out to be so soft, and telling you that you need to toughen up, he's basically telling you he believes you to be weak and not deserving of respect.

 

So the next time you speak to him, tell him:

 

"You know what? I've been thinking about what you said...you know, about toughening up....?

I believe you're right.

I really do need to do that.

Which is why I'm kicking you to the kerb, you jerk. Go find another doormat you can pull to pieces, criticise and belittle. I pity the poor girl, but I'm not putting up with it for one more moment.

Have a good life, Mr perfect!"

 

And hang up.

go No Contact and relax in the knowledge that he is the screwed up insecure and far from perfect one.

 

Not you.

NOT YOU.

[callalilly]

This is not teasing. This is called "being a jerk." You did exactly the right thing when you called him on his behavior and told him how hurtful it is. He did not like seeing himself in that light, so he tried to find a way to affix the blame on you. Dump him; it's only going to get worse.

[Kaplan]

I agree with Tara Maiden's post. Although I'm not sure we can trust her because if you look closely at her avatar it has a swastika on it.

 

Seriously though, while I think teasing is ok, I think you should punch this guy in the face. Even if someone is teasing you about something you really do suck at, it can be fun and harmless. But this guy really sounds like he's intentionally belittling you. The thing that separates what he's doing from harmless teasing is that after you say that it bothers you, he just lays it on thicker. Nobody who was innocently teasing would say, "actually, you suck even for a beginner."

[Tropic]

Agree with the previous posters. He is a bully and he will lower your self esteem, little by little.

 

Dump him

[Zapbasket]

Of all the comments you've raised in your post, this blared out at me, louder than anything else.

He wants control, and he's pleased it gets to you, because it stimulates him to push his point harder.

 

Because he knows his stance makes you feel uncomfortable, and therefore, he is gaining the upper hand.

 

I had this thought, as well. It FEELS like that's partly what it is; that he's threatened by me in some ways. It's also just my instinct speaking to me...and if I've learned nothing else in the past 5 or so years, I've learned that I need to trust my instinct.

 

This just seems to be a general way he relates to the world, though. He ribs his younger sister, and when I respond with some witty comment to his ribbing, he loves it; it's like he suddenly recognizes me where before he sees me as "weak." Or something.

 

If this didn't stimulate him - if he understood how hurtful it is - then he would modify his tone and be more respectful.

but it eggs him on more.

This is the kind of behaviour that in time will escalate and eventually crush your self-esteem under his foot.

He's 'playfully' bullying you, and in time, I would say he will think nothing of openly criticising you and belittling you in public, to the extent that it might even eventually make others uncomfortable to witness it.....

 

Wow, you really think so? It's what I fear, also, as even now I feel "trapped" in his perception of me. Meaning, I want to bring up to him how strongly I feel about his manner of "teasing" especially as it played out this weekend when we played tennis and flew a kite...but I feel I can't do so in a way that doesn't FURTHER confirm his view of me as over-sensitive and weak and perhaps even not smart enough or confident enough to come up with a witty comeback to his teasing. He calls me "Ivy League" sometimes (because I attended an ivy for undergrad and a grad school considered "ivy" caliber, whatever the hell that means, I don't put a lot of stock in such things), usually when I do something he has deemed to be inept or dumb. "Come on, Ivy League," he'll say, "use your brain." And I'll sometimes come back with, "Right, well, it's well-known that I have an IQ of 4." And yesterday he came back with, "Well with that kite performance your IQ was looking more like two and a half." And we both laughed. But I wasn't laughing on the inside, because it plays into a trend I'm seeing...a trend much like what you're describing. I could see things headed where you describe, but then I feel unsure....

 

If you'd like my opinion, I would personally end it here.

all attempts on your part to clarify and explain how you feel, have basically been met with 'playful' derision and criticism of your feelings and opinion. he disrespects your opinion, because by making you out to be so soft, and telling you that you need to toughen up, he's basically telling you he believes you to be weak and not deserving of respect.

 

So you DON'T think I should at least try to really communicate to him exactly how I feel and don't let up until he a) apologizes and b) indicates that now he gets it (i.e., where he doesn't say he thinks I'm just over-sensitive)? Do you NOT feel that clearer communication on my part could result in a change?

 

relax in the knowledge that he is the screwed up insecure and far from perfect one.

 

Not you.

NOT YOU.

 

No, I don't think this one is me at all. What I fear is that if I stick around and things don't change, I'm going to get to a point where I can no longer respond patiently to his "teasing." I'll blow my top and say something really b*tchy and then it'll give him ammo to say how I'M the insecure one, etc. For instance, when he said that thing about whenever he tries something for the first time, he's usually pretty good at it, I was so irritated I had to refrain myself from saying either, "That's ridiculous" or, more meanly, "Well, if that were true, your tennis would be MUCH better given all the training you've had." And I don't want to go there. I can have a very sharp tongue, and can say things that really hurt...but it's not productive and frankly I don't want to be in a relationship where I am driven to the point of THINKING things like that.

[Zapbasket]

Thanks for the replies. They help as I have a tendency to make excuses for people when it's written plainly on the wall that things won't likely change.

 

Another thing that makes me uncomfortable is yesterday, he asked if I'd have a look at his resume when he finishes revising it for an interview he has this week. I said I'd be glad to, and told him of some websites that have extensive examples of kinds of resumes for a range of kinds of jobs and job levels. I told him I found those sites helpful when I recently revamped my resume. He asked me to send him links to those resume sites, and also to forward him my resume if I didn't mind.

 

Well, I did kind-of mind, and said, "Why do you want to see my resume? You already know what I do and have done, pretty much." And he said, "I'd just like to see it."

 

So I sent it, feeling uneasy. In light of this pattern I'm seeing from him, I couldn't help feeling that he wanted to see my resume so he could size me up. And I just thought it was weird; I've never had an interest in seeing a friend's or partner's resume unless they want a pair of editorial eyes to help them make it cleaner. I felt it was...competitive of him.

 

Does anyone think I am being oversensitive a little? Another example: when I told him of my passion for the subject of psychology, he told me he lost respect for the subject when he noticed that in college it was all the sorority girls who signed up for the psych classes. That struck me as incredibly ignorant and willfully narrow-minded, but of course I didn't say so. I just got a job in the field, and I feel like I can't talk to him about it because he scorns the subject so much. His field is biology; I'd never downgrade it, out of respect for him.

 

And that's the thing: he perpetually leaves me baffled at how...impolite he can be for knowing me for such a short time. I know he's attracted to me, but oftentimes I do feel he doesn't have respect for me, or is trying to find/create reasons not to respect me, etc.

[Green]

Well the best thing to do would probably be to just tell him everything you said here and then just leave him if it bothers you that much

[TaraMaiden]

I agree with Tara Maiden's post. Although I'm not sure we can trust her because if you look closely at her avatar it has a swastika on it.

OFF-TOPIC REPLY:

 

A Swastika was a Buddhist symbol of peace and Universal Loving Kindness long before a seriously-warped German dictator ever got his hands on it. The direction and angle is completely opposite.

 

Thanks all.....

 

Ok...Back On Topic!

[spookie]

Soo... why do you like this guy? What has he said or done to make you feel supported?

[TaraMaiden]

.....So you DON'T think I should at least try to really communicate to him exactly how I feel and don't let up until he a) apologizes and b) indicates that now he gets it (i.e., where he doesn't say he thinks I'm just over-sensitive)? Do you NOT feel that clearer communication on my part could result in a change?

I'm just wondering with everything you've done and said so far, we get it but he still doesn't? I mean, how much clearer do you have to be for him to finally "get it"?

And doesn't the fact that he's already told you that if he knows it gets to you it just eggs him on, not make you think that this will be like a red rag to a bull?

 

How far don the road are you prepared to make allowances, or try to engage with him on this?

because If he doesn't get it yet, he's either really obtuse, or he is fully aware - and doesn't care...

IS he really obtuse?

 

 

 

No, I don't think this one is me at all. What I fear is that if I stick around and things don't change, I'm going to get to a point where I can no longer respond patiently to his "teasing." I'll blow my top and say something really b*tchy and then it'll give him ammo to say how I'M the insecure one, etc.

Then you either have to accept that this is how he is, and risk it getting worse - or bow out now, with your dignity, patience and temper intact.

 

no?

 

For instance, when he said that thing about whenever he tries something for the first time, he's usually pretty good at it, I was so irritated I had to refrain myself from saying either, "That's ridiculous" or, more meanly, "Well, if that were true, your tennis would be MUCH better given all the training you've had." And I don't want to go there. I can have a very sharp tongue, and can say things that really hurt...but it's not productive and frankly I don't want to be in a relationship where I am driven to the point of THINKING things like that.

 

So, if you suppress your true feelings, you think this is healthy?

Because in time, you'll be suppressing out of a lack of self-esteem, not out of a desire to avoid confrontation.

He'll get you believing it.

He'll chew away at you like a corrosive disease.....

 

Either that, or find himself nursing a bruised jaw.....

 

 

 

Thanks for the replies. They help as I have a tendency to make excuses for people when it's written plainly on the wall that things won't likely change.

Ding ding.....?

 

Another thing that makes me uncomfortable is yesterday, he asked if I'd have a look at his resume when he finishes revising it for an interview he has this week. I said I'd be glad to, and told him of some websites that have extensive examples of kinds of resumes for a range of kinds of jobs and job levels.

....I told him I found those sites helpful when I recently revamped my resume. He asked me to send him links to those resume sites, and also to forward him my resume if I didn't mind.

Another opportunity to evaluate you.....

 

Well, I did kind-of mind, and said, "Why do you want to see my resume? You already know what I do and have done, pretty much." And he said, "I'd just like to see it."

 

So I sent it, feeling uneasy.

 

Why are you playing into his hands, when your gut instincts are telling you all the way, that it's a mistake?

 

Why say this -

 

and if I've learned nothing else in the past 5 or so years, I've learned that I need to trust my instinct.

 

Then ignore it?

 

In light of this pattern I'm seeing from him, I couldn't help feeling that he wanted to see my resume so he could size me up. And I just thought it was weird; I've never had an interest in seeing a friend's or partner's resume unless they want a pair of editorial eyes to help them make it cleaner. I felt it was...competitive of him.

well, in light of everything so far, that's another red flag....isn't it?

 

Another example: when I told him of my passion for the subject of psychology, he told me he lost respect for the subject when he noticed that in college it was all the sorority girls who signed up for the psych classes. That struck me as incredibly ignorant and willfully narrow-minded, but of course I didn't say so.

 

HELL----LLOO!!!!!

 

'But of course I didn't say so'....? WHY the Heck Not - ??

 

Are you scared of losing this relationship, or something?

 

Why is being alone, confident and content, worse than being with someone who does this to you and makes you feel this way??

 

I know he's attracted to me, but oftentimes I do feel he doesn't have respect for me, or is trying to find/create reasons not to respect me, etc.

I think he's attracted to you because he thinks he's found someone that not only puts up with his crap, but whom in time, he can mould to someone with no will or self-esteem of their own, and belittle to his heart's content.

you don't treat people you love, in this way....

You just don't.

[threebyfate]

I agree with TM that this is a dangerous statement. Anyone who gets off on giving someone else hurt or pain has got a few screws loose.

 

And he said, "Whenever I see it's easy to get under someone's skin, it just eggs me on more."

 

But I also agree that you need to toughen up. Mature relationships should be a combination of praise and constructive criticism. There are no safe harbour relationships beyond the parent/child kind.

[Zapbasket]

Soo... why do you like this guy? What has he said or done to make you feel supported?

 

Well, in the beginning it was similar interests and likemindedness that brought us together. I enjoyed our conversations and his company and this dynamic that is the subject of this thread just kind-of gradually crept up, and now that enough time has transpired together, I'm seeing a pattern of behavior that I don't like and don't know how to stop, and furthermore, don't know that it's even possible to stop. Taramaiden and others here think it isn't, and part of me believes that to be true, as well.

 

I just don't understand how something that started off so nice could come to this, so fast, and when I really put my very best foot forward all the way throughout. HE didn't put his best forward, obviously...and given how attracted he seemed to be to me in the very beginning, I don't understand why he didn't feel inspired to put his best forward. Because I seem too nice? Is it the being nice that made him decide I was "weak" and not worthy of the respect of at least heeding my feelings a little bit?

 

I know he knows that this teasing thing is an issue between us. But clearly he doesn't think it's he who needs to change.

 

So to answer your question, Spookie: I enjoyed his company and that pulled me into this. He made me feel supported in that I am new to the area and don't know a lot of people and so just having a new friend feels "supportive." Also, I don't ask for a lot of emotional support into my personal life at the beginning of a new romance. I just want basic respect, manners, and assume that everyone feels as I do, that it's to the benefit of all if you really try to put your very best forward. And for a while now I've been a bit flabbergasted by some of N's behaviors. It's like he overnight went from being really enamored of me to taking me way too much for granted, way too soon.

[sb129]

Hey GreenCove.

 

Was thrilled to see you have started dating a new guy, but alarm bells are ringing for me also.

 

This kind of teasing can really get you down after a while, and it sounds like all the other posters are right in that your BF uses it as a security blanket to cover his own issues. I can't see it getting any better without him doing some serious work to sort it out, however he sounds like he is not the most receptive to things like CBT!

 

My father used to do it, my H can do it on occasion and my FIL is terrible at it. Last night I had to tell him off while we were watching TV because he would not SHUT UP- every little thing was criticised or commented on and it drove me nuts.

 

So in the end, despite FIL being a guest in my house, I asked him to put a sock in it.

In a nice way. But I couldn't live with it, and if my H ends up like that, I'm outta there!

[Zapbasket]

I agree with TM that this is a dangerous statement. Anyone who gets off on giving someone else hurt or pain has got a few screws loose.

 

 

 

But I also agree that you need to toughen up. Mature relationships should be a combination of praise and constructive criticism. There are no safe harbour relationships beyond the parent/child kind.

 

I agree...but to me this criticism doesn't feel constructive. When I said a relationship should be a sanctuary from the world's bs, I meant you should be able to go to your partner at the end of a long day and trust that your partner has your back. I love playful teasing...but his teasing doesn't always feel entirely playful. I tell him I'm doubtful of making this move from a city to a very small resort town because I've always been a "city girl," and he instantly starts criticizing, saying I'm being "negative." When I was just weighing the pros and cons aloud to him and soliciting his input. It's stuff like that that makes me feel this has no chance of really being a mature, comfortable relationship.

 

But I'm open to the possibility I need to toughen up, while holding to what my gut is telling me that this is mainly on HIM. If I were tougher, what in your eyes would that look like to you in this circumstance?

[threebyfate]

I agree...but to me this criticism doesn't feel constructive. When I said a relationship should be a sanctuary from the world's bs, I meant you should be able to go to your partner at the end of a long day and trust that your partner has your back. I love playful teasing...but his teasing doesn't always feel entirely playful. I tell him I'm doubtful of making this move from a city to a very small resort town because I've always been a "city girl," and he instantly starts criticizing, saying I'm being "negative." When I was just weighing the pros and cons aloud to him and soliciting his input. It's stuff like that that makes me feel this has no chance of really being a mature, comfortable relationship.

 

But I'm open to the possibility I need to toughen up, while holding to what my gut is telling me that this is mainly on HIM. If I were tougher, what in your eyes would that look like to you in this circumstance?

This man is highly manipulative and controlling. It's all about him and if what you want inconveniences him, he's all over you with criticism. I agree it's not constructive criticism.

 

In your current situation, I would push him back each time he makes unconstructive statements. Do it not in a hurt way but in a way where he understands that you have personal boundaries and he's exceeding them, that he needs to give you respect before he gets it back.

 

Overall, I'm uncertain if he's a good fit for you. It sounds like you need a man who's more emotionally sensitive and less self-centric.

[Zapbasket]

I'm just wondering with everything you've done and said so far, we get it but he still doesn't? I mean, how much clearer do you have to be for him to finally "get it"?

And doesn't the fact that he's already told you that if he knows it gets to you it just eggs him on, not make you think that this will be like a red rag to a bull?

 

Good point.

 

How far don the road are you prepared to make allowances, or try to engage with him on this?

because If he doesn't get it yet, he's either really obtuse, or he is fully aware - and doesn't care...

IS he really obtuse?

 

I don't know. He's a smart guy, and perceptive. But women joke all the time about how obtuse men can be about feelings, etc. Whereas I've rarely made excuses for men being men. I'm willing to experiment with a new tactic. This whole scenario confuses me, because I can't understand how anyone could think this is a way to set secure foundations to a relationship. It makes me think this is an unconscious pattern, that ACCOMPANIES feeling genuinely attracted to a person.

 

Earlier this past week I called him out on something similar that upset me and said something along the lines of, "If you constantly find so many things wrong with how I think, do things, etc., then why on earth are you dating me?" He apologized, and then we hung up, and then 5 minutes later he called me and said, "I just want you to know that I find you desirable in every possible way--from how you look, to your mind, to your athletic ability, everything." It was sweet...and then fast-forward a few days, and now this. I don't get it at all. And it's the not getting it that prevents me from just walking away, even though I'm starting to think that sometimes it's not a matter of getting it, just one of do I feel supported and comfortable, or not.

 

 

 

 

Then you either have to accept that this is how he is, and risk it getting worse - or bow out now, with your dignity, patience and temper intact.

 

no?

 

Very good point.

 

 

Another opportunity to evaluate you.....

 

So what do you mean? What's your thinking? That this will be ammo for further ribbing and criticism that's vaguely devaluing of my career goals, etc.?

 

HELL----LLOO!!!!!

 

'But of course I didn't say so'....? WHY the Heck Not - ??

 

Are you scared of losing this relationship, or something?

 

Why is being alone, confident and content, worse than being with someone who does this to you and makes you feel this way??

 

I think I'm realizing that if this is how it's going to be, I'd RATHER be alone. I've been through a lot in the past 2 years and just finally has there been a resolution to it. I'm moving to another part of the state and have two promising new jobs and I want to be around as much positive as I can, after so, so much negative since I moved out west from New York City.

 

I didn't say how ignorant I found it because that would be ME being scornful of HIM and I don't want to perpetuate a bad dynamic. He's been scornful of my passion for psychology, so why should I turn around and scorn his education and intelligence, even though sure, in truth, in that moment I did question both, privately in my mind?

 

 

I think he's attracted to you because he thinks he's found someone that not only puts up with his crap, but whom in time, he can mould to someone with no will or self-esteem of their own, and belittle to his heart's content.

you don't treat people you love, in this way....

You just don't.

 

Now this is what I don't get AT ALL. Do people REALLY think this way????? Seriously, this is what could be on his mind? "I want GreenCove because she puts up with me and so that means I can belittle her." Really?

[Zapbasket]

In your current situation, I would push him back each time he makes unconstructive statements. Do it not in a hurt way but in a way where he understands that you have personal boundaries and he's exceeding them, that he needs to give you respect before he gets it back.

 

But I've done that. I've had two tactics: either to join him and tease back (eg, conversation from the tennis court this weekend:

 

Him (after missing several serves in a row): Man, what is wrong with me today?

Me (after a whole afternoon of teasing, trying to tease back): Maybe you have...tennis Alzheimer's.

Him: Ha ha. So what's your excuse?

Me: Tennis Neophytism.

Him: Okay, okay, fair enough.)

 

Or, to just call him out and say I don't like what he said. As I did with the kite thing. I said I didn't like him always putting me down when I was just trying to enjoy myself and didn't even really care about skill. And he said I was sensitive, and I said that anyone learning something for the first time isn't gboing to be great at it...and then he replied with that thing about how anything he tries something, he does a good job at it, and then I said point-blank I didn't like that...and then there was a change of subject...and then, driving home, he points out how easy it is to get under my skin.

 

I don't know what more to communicate to him other than outright tell him I'm outta here if he doesn't tame his teasing a bit.

 

Overall, I'm uncertain if he's a good fit for you. It sounds like you need a man who's more emotionally sensitive and less self-centric.

 

I agree, TBF. Re: the self-centric, what specifically from what I've said makes you see him that way?

[TaraMaiden]

..... I can't understand how anyone could think this is a way to set secure foundations to a relationship. It makes me think this is an unconscious pattern, that ACCOMPANIES feeling genuinely attracted to a person.

Good.

Hold that thought, ok.....?

 

.....5 minutes later he called me and said, "I just want you to know that I find you desirable in every possible way--from how you look, to your mind, to your athletic ability, everything." It was sweet

So he knows what your limit and boundary is.

"So, let's slacken it out a bit, ring up, sweet-talk her, apologise, be contrite, flatter her.... and reel her back in.....

Ok, so I pushed a bit far that time, so I'd better go through the motions. Once she's back in, I can go back to 'lather, rinse repeat' mode....."

 

 

Now this is what I don't get AT ALL. Do people REALLY think this way?????

 

I don't think it's a fully conscious deliberate process. But he's acting on the way he's been conditioned, or learnt to act, because it gets him results.

Look at the threads here of women who have left abusive relationships, and when they've finally called a halt, how many husbands/partners/lovers have begged, pleaded and implored for them to come back, promsing change and modification of behaviour -

only to find that weeks later, it's back to same-old same-old.....

 

Remember the adage. Actions speak louder than words. he'll make the herculean effort to come back to you and apologise andn flatter you, but the herculean effort of stopping his behaviour is obviously a step too far to take, permanently....

 

Seriously, this is what could be on his mind? "I want GreenCove because she puts up with me and so that means I can belittle her." Really? :confused:

No.

I want GreenCove because no matter what belittling abuse I hurl at her, she says nothing, or nothing effective, and when I apologise to her, I find she capitulates and returns. Maybe this is one I can stick with and gain control over, because it seems she'll object enough to tell me she's a little peeved at it, but not enough to pose any threat to me or my desire to maintain an upper hand"

 

Unconsciously, and not in so many words......

 

I'd be really interested to know about what kind of relationship he has with his parents, and how his mum/dad interact with each other. And him......

[Zapbasket]

Hey GreenCove.

 

Was thrilled to see you have started dating a new guy, but alarm bells are ringing for me also.

 

This kind of teasing can really get you down after a while, and it sounds like all the other posters are right in that your BF uses it as a security blanket to cover his own issues. I can't see it getting any better without him doing some serious work to sort it out, however he sounds like he is not the most receptive to things like CBT!

 

My father used to do it, my H can do it on occasion and my FIL is terrible at it. Last night I had to tell him off while we were watching TV because he would not SHUT UP- every little thing was criticised or commented on and it drove me nuts.

 

So in the end, despite FIL being a guest in my house, I asked him to put a sock in it.

In a nice way. But I couldn't live with it, and if my H ends up like that, I'm outta there!

 

Thanks sb129 I can't wait until I can post on here about finding my own Wonderboy! It seems like this guy is not going to be that one. How. many. frogs. does. one. have. to. kiss....

 

How frustrating to get to the point where you have to tell someone to put a sock in all the criticizing! With N., I sometimes feel like he's pushing my limits until I blow my top...and that he wants me to lose it on him. I don't want to give him the satisfaction. I can't help feeling that only telling him it's over will make him want to stop this.

[LondonS]

I think you need to relax and just laugh at his comments,and when he makes some mistake, laugh at him and tease him too.. Some people are just like that. I say stuff like that sometime and by no means I do it to hurt anyone.. It depends on the tone of how its said.. seriously, just chill out please... may be he is testing how seriously and taking life not too seriously is the key these days... ..just chill..

[threebyfate]

I would sit him down and explain the facts of life to him. His teasing is overboard and speaks more about his personal insecurities than your "flaws". It looks like every chance he gets, he puts you down. That's not acceptable behaviour and has nothing to do with a sense of humour.

 

When you express your needs, he immediately jumps on you rather than acknowledging that what you're saying has merit or even acknowledging what you're saying.

 

As for self-centric examples:

1. "Well, whenever I've tried something for the first time, I usually do a pretty good job of it."
   
2. he instantly starts criticizing, saying I'm being "negative." (He wants you to move so he jumps on you when you disagree. Why can't he move?)
   
3. And he said, "Whenever I see it's easy to get under someone's skin, it just eggs me on more."
   

All three of these examples are all about him and his wants and needs.

[Zapbasket]

I'd be really interested to know about what kind of relationship he has with his parents, and how his mum/dad interact with each other. And him......

 

He's close with his mom. His mom is great; I like her a lot and know her well from another context prior to my meeting N. She's very intuitive and she gives him strong, good advice. When she's around he's much more "mannerly" than when she's not. Still, I noticed that he teases his siblings a lot...but it's nothing unusual beyond a sibling teasing another sibling. Wouldn't necessarily raise any red flags.

 

What's interesting is that he was abandoned twice: first by his biological father who left the scene shortly after he was born, so that he was raised by his mom and grandparents (her parents); and then second by a stepfather when he was in his early teens. This stepfather was into sports and was great and they were close, but then he cheated on N's mom and she promptly kicked him to the curb and, save for one letter he wrote to him when he graduated 8th grade, they had no further contact.

 

Interestingly, a month or so ago we had a conversation about "psychology" and I was telling him how I'm always "reading" people and he asked me, "What would you say about someone who likes to get under people's skin all the time?" (Referring, of course, to himself.) I evaded saying what I think about it and instead said, "Well, a psychologist would say that very possibly someone like that was abandoned, literally or figuratively, as a child by an important caregiver and this person is now "testing" people to see whether they'll stick around despite being "pushed away."

 

Instantly I could tell that grabbed him. He looked very thoughtful for a long moment and said, "Well that's interesting, because you know, I was abandoned as a child, twice."

 

I said nothing further as I though he needed to meditate on that on his own. But then a few weeks later in another conversation he informed me that he "has no baggage." And he wasn't kidding.

[CLC2008]

The main issue here is that he is not respecting your boundary, when you state your displeasure of his constant berating.

 

Instead, it becomes about you as if YOU are the problem.

 

Put it this way, what if the two of you were being physically intimate and he wasn't kissing you the right way or something. And you teased and berated his lack of kissing ability. What do you think he would feel if you told him to "lighten up" after he took offense to it?

 

People get offended by different things, you can't change that. But it is the other person's job, to learn to control the "instigating" when it becomes evident that it is offensive in nature.