Handling Teasing

[Zapbasket]

I would sit him down and explain the facts of life to him. His teasing is overboard and speaks more about his personal insecurities than your "flaws". It looks like every chance he gets, he puts you down. That's not acceptable behaviour and has nothing to do with a sense of humour.

 

When you express your needs, he immediately jumps on you rather than acknowledging that what you're saying has merit or even acknowledging what you're saying.

 

Do you think this is something that can be changed once they're made to understand what the problem behavior is? Should I give this guy a chance or just cut it?

 

As for self-centric examples:

1. "Well, whenever I've tried something for the first time, I usually do a pretty good job of it."
   
2. he instantly starts criticizing, saying I'm being "negative." (He wants you to move so he jumps on you when you disagree. Why can't he move?)
   
3. And he said, "Whenever I see it's easy to get under someone's skin, it just eggs me on more."
   

All three of these examples are all about him and his wants and needs.

 

Thanks. That helps. Re: the moving, that was set in motion long before I met him. I'm moving to this part of the state because that's where I got a job. Has nothing to do with him. But yes, he definitely accused me of "negativity" because I was questioning how much I'd like living in this tiny community where everyone knows everyone when I've always lived in a city and counted on a certain amount of anonymity.

[brainygirl]

He teases because he likes to pick on people. Its an underhanded way to insult and under cut you. If you stay with him you will find yourself checking what you say, wear, and do so that he can't find anything to tease. Its about controlling the people around him.

 

I say leave him now, because it will not get better.

[sb129]

Interesting GC. Congratulations on the new job btw. I would be asking the same questions as you, and not in a negative way. Smaller communities are different to cities- its a fact. Sometimes they can be warm, inviting and almost familial, other times they can be suffocating!

 

He certainly sounds as if he has "baggage" even if he is sure he hasn't.

 

I agree with TBF- he is quite self centric, and he puts it back onto you as if its you that is at fault- thats a sure sign of someone with "baggage".

 

Its what people do with that baggage next is what counts- he doesn't own his at all.

 

If you were married I would suggest MC, but how much do you want to invest in such a fledgling R?

[threebyfate]

Do you think this is something that can be changed once they're made to understand what the problem behavior is? Should I give this guy a chance or just cut it?

I can't answer your first question since it's up to him to make the change if he so chooses. But it's up to you to express your boundaries of respectful behaviour.

 

As for whether to give him another shot, it's reliant on his response to laying down your boundaries. If he immediately makes it your issue again, then I don't see any reason to continue.

Thanks. That helps. Re: the moving, that was set in motion long before I met him. I'm moving to this part of the state because that's where I got a job. Has nothing to do with him. But yes, he definitely accused me of "negativity" because I was questioning how much I'd like living in this tiny community where everyone knows everyone when I've always lived in a city and counted on a certain amount of anonymity.

Drill down into this and it's all about convenience for him.

[Dragon1]

I've been dating N. for almost 3 months now. It's clear to me he's a genuinely nice, decent person and for the most part I enjoy his company. But he teases me a lot (and I notice he does it with his family, as well). This weekend, for example, we played tennis; I'm very naturally athletic but have never taken a tennis lesson and so I lack "technique"; and every time I missed a ball he'd roll his eyes or tell me to use my brain, etc. He's not speaking maliciously, or getting angry; it's "good-natured" in that he laughs and then when I did complete a nice volley he'd say, "Great job!" I played along, and tried to join in on the spirit of the teasing, but secretly I decided that I'd rather work on my tennis by myself or with someone else who would make me feel "safer" being a beginner.

Here's the way it is. Most men know that most women like to be teased. The more a man teases, the more the sexual tension is increased. Women by and large love it. UP TO A POINT

 

The amount he teases you works for many women, but it's too much for you. He has crossed the line. How about a combination of you toughening up and him toning it down. A compromise of sorts.

 

Men who don't tease are the least successful with women. By far.

[brainygirl]

Here's the way it is. Most men know that most women like to be teased. The more a man teases, the more the sexual tension is increased. Women by and large love it. UP TO A POINT

 

The amount he teases you works for many women, but it's too much for you. He has crossed the line. How about a combination of you toughening up and him toning it down. A compromise of sorts.

 

Men who don't tease are the least successful with women. By far.

 

There is a difference between friendly teasing and constantly making her feel like she's being stupid or not measuring up. Women actually HATE being teased, but MANY women put up with it because they have NO SELF RESPECT and think they deserve it.

[Zapbasket]

The main issue here is that he is not respecting your boundary, when you state your displeasure of his constant berating.

 

Instead, it becomes about you as if YOU are the problem.

 

Put it this way, what if the two of you were being physically intimate and he wasn't kissing you the right way or something. And you teased and berated his lack of kissing ability. What do you think he would feel if you told him to "lighten up" after he took offense to it?

 

Exactly. Perhaps you saw my previous thread, about just this very thing: I don't like how he kisses. My approach would NEVER be to tease him about it.

 

People get offended by different things, you can't change that. But it is the other person's job, to learn to control the "instigating" when it becomes evident that it is offensive in nature.

 

This is how I go about treating others. If someone tells me it's offensive, I endeavor to stop. Or if that's not entirely possible, to be open to discussion about it.

[Zapbasket]

Here's the way it is. Most men know that most women like to be teased. The more a man teases, the more the sexual tension is increased. Women by and large love it. UP TO A POINT

 

The amount he teases you works for many women, but it's too much for you. He has crossed the line. How about a combination of you toughening up and him toning it down. A compromise of sorts.

 

Men who don't tease are the least successful with women. By far.

 

While there's a (small) element of truth in what you say--the truth is that both men and women get further in interpersonal relations when they have the confidence to introduce an element of playfulness to their interactions--men who continue to tease even after the recipient has told them they don't like it don't, generally, have success with desirable women.

 

Men who have success with women are gentlemen...and a gentleman would immediately express contrition upon learning that his teasing was not taken as such.

 

I actually LIKE a bit of playful ribbing. I can dish it, and I can take it. But I feel you can only go there when there's a certain foundation of intimacy and trust established...and you discover whether both of you feel that foundation when you engage in some light ribbing and are met with a smile, a laugh, and a bit of ribbing back. With N., the dynamic I describe in this thread crept up so stealthily I find myself in total surprise at how not-good things have gotten, so fast. I must have ignored earlier signs.

[sb129]

This issue AND he is a bad kisser?

 

GC, is it worth the investment?

[Zapbasket]

Your new guy seems to be having some insecurity issues. A confident man would have to feel the need to put someone down that often. I mean there's nothing wrong with a little teasing but it seems like he really badly needs to put you down to make himself feel better. Especially the part about how he always do things good on the first try. I dunno, I give you a few more months before he starts to really get under your skin.

 

He already IS under my skin! And I have suspected it's insecurity. He constantly has to put down "city people" (where I'm from) and play up "mountain people" (he grew up on a ranch). I finally called him out on that and said, "So if this is how you feel, then where does that put me? I'm a city girl. And I also happen to be a city girl who's not afraid to move to a small mountain town, go teach herself mountain biking on challenging trails all by herself, and who is equally comfortable in high heels and pretty dresses as she is in mud-splattered hiking gear.

 

You thiunk I should give him a few more months?

[Dragon1]

There is a difference between friendly teasing and constantly making her feel like she's being stupid or not measuring up. Women actually HATE being teased, but MANY women put up with it because they have NO SELF RESPECT and think they deserve it.

The right amount of teasing increases sexual tension. If teasing failed men would not do it.

[Zapbasket]

This issue AND he is a bad kisser?

 

GC, is it worth the investment?

 

*sigh* Probably not

 

I so hate to give up on people but after what I've been through in the past 2 years, I just don't think I have energy to exert as much optimism in people's goodwill as I used to have. It's been rough out here so far and frankily I've shed a lot of tears and energy giving too many chances to what turned out to be not-good people.

 

I'm just sad to see him be one of them, when this liaison started out so promisingly. He was sooooo lovely in the beginning.

 

What could have changed?

[brainygirl]

*sigh* Probably not

 

I so hate to give up on people but after what I've been through in the past 2 years, I just don't think I have energy to exert as much optimism in people's goodwill as I used to have. It's been rough out here so far and frankily I've shed a lot of tears and energy giving too many chances to what turned out to be not-good people.

 

I'm just sad to see him be one of them, when this liaison started out so promisingly. He was sooooo lovely in the beginning.

 

What could have changed?

 

Dating is supposed to be fun. It doesn't sound like he's much fun to be around. And BAD KISSING - Eww- End things now.

[sb129]

He stopped being on his best behaviour.

 

Alof of it depends on how receptive he is to admitting his faults and working on them, and that sounds like it isn't going to be easy for him.

 

IME, three months is still well into the honeymoon phase, and I am concerned that having these niggles now is a bad sign- they aren't going to go away if anything they will be magnified as time goes on- once you notice something annoying about someone its hard to put it to the back of your mind.

 

There are dozens of tiny things that annoy me about my H, but we have been living together for over three years- and seeing as we are both invested in the marriage, we have to live with them and adjust our reactions to said things.

[Zapbasket]

He stopped being on his best behaviour.

 

Alof of it depends on how receptive he is to admitting his faults and working on them, and that sounds like it isn't going to be easy for him.

 

IME, three months is still well into the honeymoon phase, and I am concerned that having these niggles now is a bad sign- they aren't going to go away if anything they will be magnified as time goes on- once you notice something annoying about someone its hard to put it to the back of your mind.

 

There are dozens of tiny things that annoy me about my H, but we have been living together for over three years- and seeing as we are both invested in the marriage, we have to live with them and adjust our reactions to said things.

 

Well, you know what's in the back of mind is when I came on here during preparations for moving out west to be with my now-ex. I kept having these alarm bells go off, and people here and especially IRL were calling, "Red flag! Red flag!" But I chose to overlook them all and everything proceeded true to my WORST imaginings. Actually, even WORSE because until I met this man I couldn't imagine that someone could treat a person the way he treated me especially in the end. It was AWFUL. And time and time again have I wished that I'd heeded those early warning signs and at the LEAST insisted on not moving out here until I had a job in place and not moving into his house.

 

So now here I am, in the beginning stages of a new relationship, and I'm seeing signs that just don't feel like a healthy, feel-good, adult relationship. NEVER would I talk to a new partner the way mine talks to me under the name of "teasing." I'm about to start my job up in the mountains, and I have to find a place to live and move all my things from the city, and my next months are going to be FULL of new things and what's he going to do? Rib me for every one of them? It makes me feel queasy. There are sooo many outdoor things I want to try, some of which I want to learn to do really well...and do I have to go through that "beginner" process being teased relentlessly?

 

I want to give him a chance, and talk to him about how I'm feeling rather than just end it...but he'll have to do a complete 180...and is that even possible?

[sb129]

GC- I was one of the cautionary ones when you moved away from NYC. And I had never even met the guy!

 

I was really sad to hear about it when everything hit the skids, because I was hoping that your experience wasn't going to be the same as mine was when I upped sticks and moved everything for a guy. (end result = disaster. X2)

 

If you feel that there are signs that this isn't going to be a healthy adult relationship- LISTEN TO THEM. You have had enough experience by now to recognise what is and what isn't healthy, and you are the only one who can dictate your own comfort levels.

 

If you are not comfortable with how things are going, then thats how you feel. He can't tell you to feel otherwise. Neither can anyone else.

 

Your gut instinct is pretty sharp- and you ignored it once before.

 

You deserve someone who ticks ALL your boxes, not just some of them.

[Zapbasket]

Yes, SB, you were one of the people whose advice I wished I'd listened to.

 

I have such a hard time ending friendships and relationships. It's unusually difficult for me. Friends have been calling me out on that. Can I ask you something? When you talk about the little things that irk you about your H, do you still feel he ticks all your boxes? I mean, how can you tell early on that this is just not going to shape up to anything good? There are some things about N that I do really like, and there are some dynamics between us that ARE pleasant...otherwise I'd not have made it this far. It's just that in all those things is this dynamic I describe in this thread.

 

I don't want to quit prematurely...but then I don't want to have yet ANOTHER instance of giving the right chance to the wrong person. I FINALLY have dug myself out of the hole created by the whole fiasco with my ex. My career is on track and life is looking promising. I want it only to go up from here, either alone, or with a partner who makes me go WOW.

 

I feel like I'm more mature than N, and smarter, frankly. He even told me a couple of months ago, "You're smarter than me." Maybe that's why he now feels he has to put me down; I don't know. I would so like for him to surprise me. I know he has it in him to be loving and sweet.

 

So, why can't he be that way more with ME? I've been helpful to him, and kind, and supportive, and I've had fun with him, suggested fun things for us to do; I've paid for my share of our activities together; I've given him backrubs and footrubs and bjs and all because this is how I like to be in a relationship. I've been courteous and interested in what he's doing and I've been happy to give him space and taken space for myself, as well. Why doesn't he see me as a catch...and why, if indeed he DOESN'T see me as a catch, is he with me?

[westrock]

What's interesting is that he was abandoned twice: first by his biological father who left the scene shortly after he was born, so that he was raised by his mom and grandparents (her parents); and then second by a stepfather when he was in his early teens. This stepfather was into sports and was great and they were close, but then he cheated on N's mom and she promptly kicked him to the curb and, save for one letter he wrote to him when he graduated 8th grade, they had no further contact.

 

Interestingly, a month or so ago we had a conversation about "psychology" and I was telling him how I'm always "reading" people and he asked me, "What would you say about someone who likes to get under people's skin all the time?" (Referring, of course, to himself.) I evaded saying what I think about it and instead said, "Well, a psychologist would say that very possibly someone like that was abandoned, literally or figuratively, as a child by an important caregiver and this person is now "testing" people to see whether they'll stick around despite being "pushed away."

 

Instantly I could tell that grabbed him. He looked very thoughtful for a long moment and said, "Well that's interesting, because you know, I was abandoned as a child, twice."

 

I said nothing further as I though he needed to meditate on that on his own. But then a few weeks later in another conversation he informed me that he "has no baggage." And he wasn't kidding.

 

You have hit the nail on the head as to why he acts the way he does. Your answer to him was right on.

 

Abandonment like that as a child can cause them to become perfectionists when they grow up. Children feel they are the cause of the abandonment. In response, they try to never do anything wrong to gain the attention of the abandoned parent. This leads them to become perfectionists in the hope they don't ever do anything wrong which in their minds would lead to more abandonment.

 

Putting down others and claiming he has no baggage is a way for him to rationalize his perfectionism. If anyone is doing anything different from him, he concludes that means he must be wrong. As such, by putting down others as wrong, he rationalizes that he is right. Anyone who says they "have no baggage" actually has lots of baggage because in their mind having baggage means the person is a failure.

 

He has a need to get under your skin because he cannot trust whether or not you will abandon him. As such, he will continue to push your boundaries to see if you will abandon him. Unfortunately, since he only understands abandonment, he won't stop until you abandon him. Unfortunately his behavior is inconsistent with a healthy relationship.

 

How is he at making decisions? Is he indecisive?

 

There's nothing you can do to make him change his ways. He needs therapy to resolve his feelings of abandonment.

 

 

I've been helpful to him, and kind, and supportive, and I've had fun with him, suggested fun things for us to do; I've paid for my share of our activities together; I've given him backrubs and footrubs and bjs and all because this is how I like to be in a relationship. I've been courteous and interested in what he's doing and I've been happy to give him space and taken space for myself, as well. Why doesn't he see me as a catch...and why, if indeed he DOESN'T see me as a catch, is he with me?

 

He sees you as a catch, but he has unresolved feelings as to whether or not you will abandon him.

[sb129]

I don't think its because he doesn't see YOU as a catch.

 

I don't think he sees HIMSELF as a catch, and that is supported by his behaviour and abandonment issues.

 

Insecurity issues are crippling to relationships, but really, only the person suffering them can do anything about them.

 

Interesting question re: H ticking all the boxes. Its been a tough year for us, relationship wise. We have had a baby and my dad died, and I got postnatal depression so lots of stress which has taken its toll.

 

There were times that I thought I would rather be on my own than pick up another pair of his socks or clean up after him or whatever, but to be honest, yes, he still does tick all of my boxes. The things that irk me aren't really personality traits (except that he is far too competitive at board games lol)

He is a great friend, and a wonderful father, and a good team mate.

I can always count on him to make me feel good- if anything I am the one that is tooo sparing with their affections and he has commented on that recently.

We are working through things together with the help of MC, because we are invested in staying together- I don't want anyone else and I want my daughter to grow up with both parents. Its taken work though- from BOTH sides.

When I first suggested MC I was expecting heavy resistance from H, but he said he would do whatever it took to sort out our marriage.

 

 

Anyway- enough about me. You are roughly the same age as me if I remember rightly, and by this age I agree with you- its about someone right, or noone at all. No time for mr Ok-for-now.

 

I think you owe it to N to let him know just how seriously his behaviour has affected your confidence in the R. Perhaps his reaction to that will give you your answer.

[Zapbasket]

So sorry about your dad, SB

 

And sorry things have been a struggle for you two relationship-wise. It sounds like you're both very committed to the marriage and to taking steps to making things better. That seems key. I took a lot of time to really think about what I want in a relationship and most simply it boils down to each person needing to be three things to each other: a friend, a partner, and a lover. Each of those areas needs to be solid. It sounds like you have that with your H. I hope things get better for you soon

 

And exactly. I only want the real deal now. I always wanted that, but now I have some idea of what the "real deal" would feel like. I really don't want to have to go through another bad relationship experience. This last one was absolutely debilitating. No more kissing frogs!

[lordWilhelm]

I think you've analyzed the situation pretty well and have a good idea of what's going on, the only thing would be that you've been a bit indirect in communicating to him how you actually feel about his teasing (and he obviously hasn't gotten the hint). You should try tell him how you feel about this, exactly what you've been saying in this thread, and if he doesn't take you seriously this time perhaps you should move on.

[Zapbasket]

Well, I was afraid he'd tell me I need to lighten up when I addressed the whole teasing issue with him, but his reaction was a super-pleasant surprise.

 

Without my having to use a whole bunch of words to express what was bothering me, he met me halfway with an acknowledgment that after the tennis and kite weekend he knew his behavior had gone to far, and he felt bad. In fact, he said he'd taken my silence of a day or two to mean that I was no longer interested in dating him, and he was going to write me an apology email.

 

He went on to say that he'd felt really on edge lately owing to work frustrations and general frustration with where his life is right now. He said he's overly hard on himself and sometimes it extends to being too hard on people around him.

 

I told him that it wasn't the case that my silence meant I didn't want to date him anymore, but rather that I was crestfallen that what had felt really promising in the beginning devolved into what had transpired the previous weekend with the tennis and kite. I said I'd struggled with how to address the situation, because while on the one hand I wanted to see us continue to explore a long-term relationship with each other, on the other hand I didn't want to be involved in a situation where I'm criticized all the time.

 

Our talk was more involved than that, but ultimately it resulted in his offering a sincere apology, which I accepted.

 

Not only did I accept it, I was THRILLED that he exhibited self-insight, maturity, and communication skills. I felt a little in love with him in the aftermath of our conversation...things felt really promising once again. I mean, so far I've not dated someone who ever met me halfway like that. We spent a great 3 days together, and now I've left town for the weekend to attend to some business.

 

And here's where I could use some help. The space I have has gotten me thinking. I am only pursuing a relationship for the Real Deal, at this point in my life. I want a husband and I want to build a family. I want an EQUAL. In that conversation we had about teasing, he felt to me like my equal.

 

Then, a few days later, he sent me his resume for me to look over. I fear this sounds shallow but his resume made me concerned that the past several years he's been living where he has have been a bit of a stuck place for him. He's not working the kind of job he's qualified to do, and it really frustrates him. But he's not exhibiting a whole lot of get up and go concerning the business he's trying to start and his financial situation sounds a little worrisome to me. I'd like to see him working towards improving his financial stability and a more lucrative, career-oriented job...otherwise he's NOT my equal and I want to be with a man who feels like he needs to be a provider (even if we split everything. I just want him to FEEL like that's something he should aspire to, know what I mean?)

 

I have compassion for him as I've been stuck before in my life and it definitely is frustrating. But how long do I give him?

 

Thanks for reading. I just really don't want to screw this one up. If he's a no-go, I'd rather find out relatively early on.

[CLC2008]

Well, I was afraid he'd tell me I need to lighten up when I addressed the whole teasing issue with him, but his reaction was a super-pleasant surprise.

 

Without my having to use a whole bunch of words to express what was bothering me, he met me halfway with an acknowledgment that after the tennis and kite weekend he knew his behavior had gone to far, and he felt bad. In fact, he said he'd taken my silence of a day or two to mean that I was no longer interested in dating him, and he was going to write me an apology email.

 

He went on to say that he'd felt really on edge lately owing to work frustrations and general frustration with where his life is right now. He said he's overly hard on himself and sometimes it extends to being too hard on people around him.

 

I told him that it wasn't the case that my silence meant I didn't want to date him anymore, but rather that I was crestfallen that what had felt really promising in the beginning devolved into what had transpired the previous weekend with the tennis and kite. I said I'd struggled with how to address the situation, because while on the one hand I wanted to see us continue to explore a long-term relationship with each other, on the other hand I didn't want to be involved in a situation where I'm criticized all the time.

 

Our talk was more involved than that, but ultimately it resulted in his offering a sincere apology, which I accepted.

 

Not only did I accept it, I was THRILLED that he exhibited self-insight, maturity, and communication skills. I felt a little in love with him in the aftermath of our conversation...things felt really promising once again. I mean, so far I've not dated someone who ever met me halfway like that. We spent a great 3 days together, and now I've left town for the weekend to attend to some business.

 

And here's where I could use some help. The space I have has gotten me thinking. I am only pursuing a relationship for the Real Deal, at this point in my life. I want a husband and I want to build a family. I want an EQUAL. In that conversation we had about teasing, he felt to me like my equal.

 

Then, a few days later, he sent me his resume for me to look over. I fear this sounds shallow but his resume made me concerned that the past several years he's been living where he has have been a bit of a stuck place for him. He's not working the kind of job he's qualified to do, and it really frustrates him. But he's not exhibiting a whole lot of get up and go concerning the business he's trying to start and his financial situation sounds a little worrisome to me. I'd like to see him working towards improving his financial stability and a more lucrative, career-oriented job...otherwise he's NOT my equal and I want to be with a man who feels like he needs to be a provider (even if we split everything. I just want him to FEEL like that's something he should aspire to, know what I mean?)

 

I have compassion for him as I've been stuck before in my life and it definitely is frustrating. But how long do I give him?

 

Thanks for reading. I just really don't want to screw this one up. If he's a no-go, I'd rather find out relatively early on.

 

I think the fact that he stepped out of his own comfort zone to meet you half way emotionally, is HUGE.

 

I understand your concern long term from a financial standpoint, but unless you are seeking someone who can support you financially as a stay at home wife and mother, I think it's unfair of you at this point to start questioning his current career and what he may/may not be qualified to do.

 

He gave you his resume to look over, so obviously he is attempting to push forward. And evidently he felt comfortable enough to confide in you on that level.

 

If you want an equal (which you should and have every right too) you should consider supporting him in that aspect, right?

[Zapbasket]

I think the fact that he stepped out of his own comfort zone to meet you half way emotionally, is HUGE.

 

Thanks for your response. Can you clarify why, from your p.o.v., it's "huge"? I ask because in the past in relationships I've tended to make too much of small things and too little of huge things. I honestly don't know if I'm giving him too much credit for his response to my concerns, or too little.

 

I understand your concern long term from a financial standpoint, but unless you are seeking someone who can support you financially as a stay at home wife and mother, I think it's unfair of you at this point to start questioning his current career and what he may/may not be qualified to do.

 

What I want to see from anyone I'm considering a long-term relationship with is some sign they're thinking about how their choices could impact those around them. I want to see some sign he's thinking not only about his own ambitions, but also about home, family, etc.

 

He gave you his resume to look over, so obviously he is attempting to push forward. And evidently he felt comfortable enough to confide in you on that level.

 

If you want an equal (which you should and have every right too) you should consider supporting him in that aspect, right?

 

And I do, absolutely. I try to be as encouraging as possible, because I do genuinely believe he has potential. It's just that there's that potential thing again...and all I can really go on is what currently IS, which is that he's really frustrated with his life and I want to see how he handles it. I worry that he's spent so many years trying to get a business going and still it doesn't seem like anything he can count on financially in any way. Is that fair?

[CLC2008]

Thanks for your response. Can you clarify why, from your p.o.v., it's "huge"? I ask because in the past in relationships I've tended to make too much of small things and too little of huge things. I honestly don't know if I'm giving him too much credit for his response to my concerns, or too little.

 

Because it demonstrates his ability to empathize and show compassion. He acknowledged that it was wrong on his part and he made it up to you. Albeit, it shouldn't always be after he acts that way and hopefully he can learn how to curb his "frustrations".

 

What I want to see from anyone I'm considering a long-term relationship with is some sign they're thinking about how their choices could impact those around them. I want to see some sign he's thinking not only about his own ambitions, but also about home, family, etc.

 

And I do, absolutely. I try to be as encouraging as possible, because I do genuinely believe he has potential. It's just that there's that potential thing again...and all I can really go on is what currently IS, which is that he's really frustrated with his life and I want to see how he handles it. I worry that he's spent so many years trying to get a business going and still it doesn't seem like anything he can count on financially in any way. Is that fair?

I suppose that is something you will discover over time and if it's something the two of you can work out.