Handling Teasing

[brainygirl]

So you are thrilled that he apoligized for being an ass.

 

but now you are concerned because 1) he won't be making as much money as you do and 2) because he's decided to follow a dream and start a business rather than pursue a more lucrative but less personally fulfilling career path?

 

Sounds a little shallow doesn't it? Some one in the relationship will probably be making more money, why not you? And if he's supporting himself now, what makes you think he wont in the future? Or is it a lifestyle thing? Shallow again.

 

I honestly wonder if you aren't just looking for reasons to break up with him because you have something in your gut instincts telling you to.

[Zapbasket]

but now you are concerned because 1) he won't be making as much money as you do and 2) because he's decided to follow a dream and start a business rather than pursue a more lucrative but less personally fulfilling career path?

 

No, it's much less about finances and more about attitude and sense of direction. Where we both live, there's a lot of apathy among many of the young people because on the one hand, it is one of the wealthiest communities in the country, but this wealth also creates a middle and upper middle class that has to struggle that much harder to make ends meet (cost of real estate, cost of services, dearth of opportunity, etc.). A lot of young people work menial jobs just to get by and don't try for more, because there's not a lot of upward mobility. N. works a job that's much beneath his education and previous work experience, and he's very unhappy with it, and this is where he said a lot of his frustration was coming from.

 

I want to be with someone who, like me, is ambitious and always looking for new opportunities and connections. I think these are his attitudes at core, but he seems to be in a stuck place where he obsesses over how unhappy he is with his current situation, but unproductively, where it just leads him to spin his wheels without getting much done. And I'm concerned, because there are a lot of people in the valley who are like that and so there's not much social push for him to get out of this stuck place.

 

I think it's really awesome when anyone tries to start a business. It shows guts and vision. But some people don't have the drive and follow-through to make it something you can make a living on, and there's also that element of luck...and as impressive as it is when someone starts a business I think it's equally impressive when someone knows when it's time to throw in the towel. I want to see that N. has that ability to make that kind of shrewd assessment, and then follow through with making a change rather than wallow in frustration that things aren't going according to plan.

 

So, in sum, sure, it's not so much that I'd mind supporting a partner financially for a time, but I will not support a partner while he takes out frustrations on me and shows a negative attitude about how things are going for him. N. has admitted to doing this, and I want to see him stop beyond a one-time sincere apology, and start putting the pedal to the metal and work to change his situation so he can feel happier within himself.

 

 

I honestly wonder if you aren't just looking for reasons to break up with him because you have something in your gut instincts telling you to.

 

I have this gut instinct, or fear, I'm not sure which, that N. can't keep up with me. And I don't want another relationship where I'm putting in all the effort for two. I fear he's not mature enough for me, though certainly he has exhibited a capacity for mature interaction and resolution of conflict. But other signs tell me he's behind me in communication and maturity...and this time I really, really want an EQUAL.

[ADF]

This man is a cruel, domineering, passive-aggressive jerk. Get away from him.

[Zapbasket]

Thanks for your reply, ADF. Can you elaborate on what you said? I ask because I'm really trying to retrain my "man-picker" and I'm second-guessing every impression, every excuse I make for the person's behavior, everything. It helps to hear how others view the situation based on what I've presented here, and why.

[Jersey Shortie]

...decent person and for the most part I enjoy his company. But he teases me a lot (and I notice he does it with his family, as well).

 

What he does isn't "teasing".

 

 

I'm very naturally athletic but have never taken a tennis lesson and so I lack "technique"; and every time I missed a ball he'd roll his eyes or tell me to use my brain, etc. He's not speaking maliciously, or getting angry; it's "good-natured" in that he laughs

 

Of course he laughs. Its at your expense.

 

But he constantly made comments about my performance, again in that "teasing" tone....

 

Very insideious of him.

 

And then, as we were driving home, he said, "It's really easy to get under your skin." I replied, "Maybe so." And he said, "Whenever I see it's easy to get under someone's skin, it just eggs me on more.

 

This kind of behavior doesn't change over-night or with a simple apology. This man is a master manipuator.

 

That's great that he apologized but don't expect him to be a new man all the sudden. This man is very controlling and insideous. Today it's all lovey dovey..tomorrow it's "teasing" you because you forgot little Jimmy's homework. If you are thinking about the long haul, and right now he can't handle life without taking it out on others, he won't be able to do it when things get really tough. I think you know this. Which is why you also mentioned his lack of ambition in your eyes.

[ADF]

Thanks for your reply, ADF. Can you elaborate on what you said? I ask because I'm really trying to retrain my "man-picker" and I'm second-guessing every impression, every excuse I make for the person's behavior, everything. It helps to hear how others view the situation based on what I've presented here, and why.

 

This man isn't "teasing" you. He is mocking and belittling you. He knows his behavior upsets you, and he enjoys that. He laughs, in your face, about how easy it is to get "under you skin." He enjoys the power he feels he has over you, his ability to make himself feel powerful at your expense. He is trying to break down your self-esteem. His behavior is domineering and controlling. This man has a need to aggrandize himself by making you feel small.

 

In short, he is ABUSIVE. He probably pulls this stuff with women because if he tried it with most men, he'd spend half his life crawling around on the floor, trying to find his teeth. Get away from this guy. He's garbage.

[Zapbasket]

Thanks ADF and Jersey Shortie. Does what you say still stand even in light of my update (above, page 4 of this thread)? I thought when I called him out on his behavior that he'd just brush it off, but instead he apologized. And even in the moment I had two reactions: first, pleasure and surprise that he was so self-aware and willing to cop to his faults...but then second, that gut instinct Brainygirl referred to that made me think, "If he knows he is frustrated, etc., then why couldn't he curb himself BEFORE he stepped over the line?"

[brainygirl]

Thanks ADF and Jersey Shortie. Does what you say still stand even in light of my update (above, page 4 of this thread)? I thought when I called him out on his behavior that he'd just brush it off, but instead he apologized. And even in the moment I had two reactions: first, pleasure and surprise that he was so self-aware and willing to cop to his faults...but then second, that gut instinct Brainygirl referred to that made me think, "If he knows he is frustrated, etc., then why couldn't he curb himself BEFORE he stepped over the line?"

 

The quick apology is likely part of his "game". He apoligises, the woman or person in question forgives, and then he gets to do it again because now you/she knows "he's just like that" and you "can't take it personally".

 

Get rid of him. I know you like him, I know how it feels to find someone who seems to have so much potential and want to stay to see it develop. That's how my ex husband was. Guess what, he went another way than the potential.

[ADF]

Thanks ADF and Jersey Shortie. Does what you say still stand even in light of my update (above, page 4 of this thread)? I thought when I called him out on his behavior that he'd just brush it off, but instead he apologized. And even in the moment I had two reactions: first, pleasure and surprise that he was so self-aware and willing to cop to his faults...but then second, that gut instinct Brainygirl referred to that made me think, "If he knows he is frustrated, etc., then why couldn't he curb himself BEFORE he stepped over the line?"

 

I think that JersieShortie is right when she says it is one thing to make promises, another to curb deeply ingrained behaviors. I guess if he is willing to own up to his mistakes, he deserves a chance to redeem himself. But that's all he deserves--a chance.

 

However, it sounds like you have another problem as well. Frankly, it sounds like you may want him to be someone he isn't. You make it pretty clear you want a man who is a mover and a shaker, driven go-getter. Maybe this guy isn't that. Not everyone is. Just as he needs to respect you, you need to respect him. Accept him for who he is, or don't. Don't try to change him into someone you think he should be. He is his own person, not yours.

[Zapbasket]

I think that JersieShortie is right when she says it is one thing to make promises, another to curb deeply ingrained behaviors. I guess if he is willing to own up to his mistakes, he deserves a chance to redeem himself. But that's all he deserves--a chance.

 

That's what I"m thinking. My radar is triggered and his "teasing" realllllly bothers me, so if it comes up again, I don't think it'll be *too* difficult for me to cut things off.

 

However, it sounds like you have another problem as well. Frankly, it sounds like you may want him to be someone he isn't. You make it pretty clear you want a man who is a mover and a shaker, driven go-getter. Maybe this guy isn't that. Not everyone is. Just as he needs to respect you, you need to respect him. Accept him for who he is, or don't. Don't try to change him into someone you think he should be. He is his own person, not yours.

 

I'd be FINE with where he is in his life right now if HE were fine with it. He admitted to being unhappy to the point of taking it out on others, including me...and I know my own limits to know I can't work with that on an ongoing basis. I want to see him take responsibility for his own life's direction--that can be either being content where he is, or changing his situation so that he can be content. That is the extent of "moving and shaking" I want to see from him. Without a basic contentment and confidence within yourself, you can't make a good partner.

[Zapbasket]

It's such a shame...but I have decided I need to exit this relationship. I think N is great in many ways, and I really like his family, but no amount of kindness or effort to appease is going to make him change. He simply seems to be unable to help himself. Already I'm beginning to feel nervous around him, and that's really awful. Shouldn't have to feel that way.

 

So I've never done this before. What should I say to him regarding my reasons? How much info should I give?

 

And how do I handle his mom, who also happens to be my boss? I like her a great deal and I know she'd be thrilled if N and I had been able to form a relationship. Interestingly, both she and his grandparents this weekend called him "ornery." They just volunteered that. It makes me hopeful that even though she'll obviously side with her son, intellectually at least she'll completely understand why I had to get out of it...and perhaps she'll even respect me more because of it. It's important to me to deal with this as tactfully as possible, not only to spare N's feelings as much as possible, but also to spare his mom's.

 

:-( really disappointed. There are a lot of good things about this person; I just can't go on feeling cut down all the time. And it is all. the. time.

[TaraMaiden]

You basically tell him you don't feel he is an adequately mature person to be in a relationship.

A really good relationship requires three vital elements to it, to underpin and support it:

Trust

Effective Communication

Respect.

 

These three elements are all found wanting.

 

Trust - "Already I'm beginning to feel nervous around him, and that's really awful."

 

Effective Communication - "no amount of kindness or effort to appease is going to make him change."

 

Respect -"I just can't go on feeling cut down all the time. And it is all. the. time."

 

For a relationship to function, and to make all of the above roll along smoothly, takes Effort, and Commitment from both sides.

you can't do it all.

 

I think you simply need to tell him that you are unsure in the relationship, and nobody should feel that way.

Please, accept that the reasons run deep, it's a very sad thing for you to have to do, but you see no option whatsoever, but to break it off.

Remain dignified, don't go into accusatory recrimination.

Simply emphasise that you feel this relationship is dysfunctional, and that you feel it best to terminate it now, while you are on good terms.

 

And merely inform his mum at work on the same day.

 

Ask to have a private word with her, and simply say that, you would prefer to not go into deep or personal reasons, but that you and her son have broken up, and you've ended the relationship.

You hope she will respect your reticence, but the fact that she is your employer is awkward, but has nothing to do with your decision. You trust this will not affect your professional relationship.

And be dignified, quietly-spoken, and polite.

if she probes, ask her please to not go into this right now, but that perhaps in time, you would be happy to clarify your reasons, should the need arise. You regret the circumstances of your decision, but you felt that there are differences that cannot be overcome.

 

Good luck.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

He almost sounds a tad passive aggressive that said the thing that poped out to me most about your post was how this guy dosent make you feel "safe" in the relationship?

 

Thats a huge red flag! his teasing seams to go beyond the normal accepted range for a gf bf you have already told him that this behavior bothers you and look at his reaction he justified it!

 

And then made you feel even worse no caring loving partner dose that to their other half. I honestly don't see much of a happy future in it for you in the long run.

 

Seriously op take a good second look at your 1st post here and think about it hes not willing to change. And its likely to only get worse in the future once hes realizes you are willing to put up with it.

 

Teasing today and all out abuse tomorrow but its OK cause after all its your fault for not being tough enough to deal with it is that really how you want to live your life?

 

Do your self a favor and go look up emotional abuse on line I think you will be surprised at what you find.

[TaraMaiden]

yes, I agree with this.

All the more reason to make a dignified, and permanent exit right now.

And don't under any circumstances whatsoever, be tempted, cajoled, convinced or coerced into going back.

 

Ever.

 

He doesn't deserve a pity party.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

yes, I agree with this.

All the more reason to make a dignified, and permanent exit right now.

And don't under any circumstances whatsoever, be tempted, cajoled, convinced or coerced into going back.

 

Ever.

 

He doesn't deserve a pity party.

 

I just went back and saw her last post good on you op for deciding to leave now before you became over invested in the relationship. Its a tricky situation tho if his mom is your boss? ouch!

 

I still agree with Tara there tho he dosent deserve a pity party and it will also do him no good if he learns nothing from this break up. Keep in mind a mother will almost always back up their kids no matter how wrong they are sad but true.

 

Do you have a good rapore with her? can you talk to her? If so maybe quietly having a word to her before hand would help the situation. Be kind/respectful but firm and let her know exactly why you are breaking things off.

 

That way she has your side of the story 1st and the shock will be less after that do the same for him.

 

I hope at the end of the day it all works out for you but if not then be prepared to look for a new job if worse comes to worse.

[Zapbasket]

Thanks for the replies, Spanks and Tara.

 

I don't see his mom on a daily basis at work, as she's my boss for a job I have during the winter season only. BUT she calls me a lot, has been in contact with my mom, has helped me find a year-round job here, and most recently has helped me find a great apartment. She has been extremely good to me, I'm sure in large part because of my liaison with her son.

 

Way back when N and I first started dating, she pulled me aside at work and said, "I want to let you know that no matter what happens between you and N, it won't affect my good opinion of you both personally and professionally." She was very adamant about that...but I feel she won't be able to help feeling chagrined with me for breaking off with her son. I don't think she'd ever stoop to undermining me at my job because of this, especially since it's not like her son can ever say I mistreated him--I can honestly say that in this relationship I have been truly exemplary. He can't deny that.

 

So, since I don't see her every day, I'll have to call her. Is that something I should do after I talk with N? He should be the first to know, right?

 

I'm afraid of her being angry at me, or suddenly cooling towards me. When the stakes are high-ish, it makes me start to doubt myself--am I not giving this enough of a chance? I just don't see that things will change and I don't want to spend the next several months hashing over how he's overly impatient and vaguely belittling of me and I'm "over-sensitive."

[Sivok]

N should of course be the first to know.

 

What your situation is reminds me exactly of a friend of mine. He does what you mentioned to absolutely everybody, and I cannot tolerate hanging out with him for extended periods of time because it gets extremely grating.

 

It's a fatal attraction - something you might find playful and attractive at first about a person, which then causes that attraction to descend to loathe.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

Thanks for the replies, Spanks and Tara.

 

I don't see his mom on a daily basis at work, as she's my boss for a job I have during the winter season only. BUT she calls me a lot, has been in contact with my mom, has helped me find a year-round job here, and most recently has helped me find a great apartment. She has been extremely good to me, I'm sure in large part because of my liaison with her son.

 

Way back when N and I first started dating, she pulled me aside at work and said, "I want to let you know that no matter what happens between you and N, it won't affect my good opinion of you both personally and professionally." She was very adamant about that...but I feel she won't be able to help feeling chagrined with me for breaking off with her son. I don't think she'd ever stoop to undermining me at my job because of this, especially since it's not like her son can ever say I mistreated him--I can honestly say that in this relationship I have been truly exemplary. He can't deny that.

 

So, since I don't see her every day, I'll have to call her. Is that something I should do after I talk with N? He should be the first to know, right?

 

I'm afraid of her being angry at me, or suddenly cooling towards me. When the stakes are high-ish, it makes me start to doubt myself--am I not giving this enough of a chance? I just don't see that things will change and I don't want to spend the next several months hashing over how he's overly impatient and vaguely belittling of me and I'm "over-sensitive."

 

Oh I see ok then well since shes not the boss of your main job then honestly I would just break it off with him and think about not returning to that job next season.

 

If its just seasonal work im sure you could find some were else? Cause reguardless of what she may have said before hand im sure there will be a little bit of resentment.

 

If not on her behalf then def on his and who needs to deal with that right? No you are def makeing the right desion here op. Like I said go take a look at emoshional abuse on line if you have any doubts!

 

You have given it enough of a chance you have tried to tell him how you felt why put yourself in a situation were some one is disrespecting you right from the start?

 

Think about it wouldn't you rather find some one who you will want to do things with and not have the the fear of ridicule? Stand strong break it off and then just cut ties and move on.

 

On a last note here just for future referance its never a great idea to date any one whos tied to your work in anyway keep us updated as to how you go and best of luck

[TaraMaiden]

.....

Way back when N and I first started dating, she pulled me aside at work and said, "I want to let you know that no matter what happens between you and N, it won't affect my good opinion of you both personally and professionally." She was very adamant about that...but I feel she won't be able to help feeling chagrined with me for breaking off with her son....

I'm thinking (and hoping) that actually, this might be carrying a different message.

Could she not be saying : "I know my son is a difficult person to be with. he has had previous relationships and other girls have broken up with him. you may not last the distance, and if you don't. I'll understand, that it always takes two to tango, but I know that in all probability, it's going to be more him than you at the root of it all...."....?

 

So, since I don't see her every day, I'll have to call her. Is that something I should do after I talk with N? He should be the first to know, right?

Yes, and as I indicated in my previous post, you're right. She should be told after the event. And I think you should still say that you hope it won't ruin your working relationship. As she very kindly pointed out to you, when you and her son first started dating.

 

I'm afraid of her being angry at me, or suddenly cooling towards me.

Right, so what?

What 'if'...?

it doesn't matter in the long run.....

 

Think of this long term. You're not going to have a seasonal job for ever, the guy you do eventually meet to form a lifetime bond with, will take you far away form this situation.... so why give it so much power?

This shall pass. Things move on.

Don't be fearful of something that either might not even happen, or will in time fade into insignificance, anyway.

[Ruby Slippers]

My ex was like this, and it wore me down big time. We talked and argued about it many times. He also told me he was toughening me up. I said I think your boyfriend/girlfriend should be the one person in the world you can count on to shield you from the harshness of the world. It came down to his insecurities and sense of humor that was very different from mine. The only way it got better was for him to zip it, but the venom would still come out from time to time.

[Zapbasket]

Thanks for the replies; they're a huge help.

 

I met up with him last night for the first time since Sunday, and I couldn't bring myself to say anything.

 

(It's a lot harder to break things off with someone face to face, to have to look into their hopeful eyes and past their happy-to-see-you smile and tell them you can't continue with the status quo. This is why any breakup MUST happen in person; it's the only way.)

 

He was so solicitous towards me last night; he knows I've been upset with him. We went out for pizza and he paid; oftentimes we split or we'll take turns paying. So that was nice.

 

But I got irritated when I called him as promised after I was done with work and asked him if he wanted to come to where I was (I'm currently staying in a really nice house until my apartment is available at the end of the month), 20 miles away from him, and he said, "I feel like I always come up there." And so I said, "Ok, I'll come down to you." And back a few months ago when I was still working my winter job and staying in employee housing with 3 other roommates, I drove to his place much of the time as he lives alone. Last night I thought, man, are we already to this petty point of counting how many visits who has made where? I mean, that's not unreasonable of me, right? I've been driving all over this damned state while I've tried to get settled here, and he quibbles about driving up to be with me.

 

I am mad at myself for chickening out...but I want to be completely sure. I don't like how it seems he already takes me so much for granted, and I don't want to participate further in this dynamic because I fear it will only get worse as we get more "used" to each other. Is that something I can tell him?

 

I've never ended a relationship with someone and in the instances where I have with a friend, it was because things had become sooooo extremely egregious that there was no question ending it was the only thing to do. I still feel unsure of myself in this instance and yet...

 

Aaargh. Help is appreciated.

[Reality Drip]

He clearly isn't giving you what you want. The jerkiness is just keeping you around and naturally so; you now secretly seek his approval.

 

This guy is a dime a dozen. Seen them a million times over and they're just as irritating to hang out with in a guy group as it is for girls to date.

 

Next him.

 

-Max

[TaraMaiden]

Sometimes, you just have to take a long run at it, and jump. Nobody ever leapt over a chasm in two faltering steps.

You just need to take a deep breath, and just come out with it.

 

"I really don't want to see you any more.

It's been great, but not as great as I'd hoped.

I'm sorry, but I think we should call it quits."

 

Maybe it would be best if you were home, on your doorstep being dropped off, at this point, or even dropping him off at his place. Either way, make it the final thing you say to him before going in/driving away.

But you know you have to do this.

You're just finding too much that's not working. You're not weakening, you just need to summon up the courage.....

[Zapbasket]

Thanks guys. Thanks, Reality Drip, for the...reality drip (great screen name).

 

You're just finding too much that's not working. You're not weakening, you just need to summon up the courage.....

 

But that's where I'm doubting myself. Am I being too finicky? Or too "princess-y"? I never know, borrowing truly egregious circumstances, when it's appropriate to cut things off with someone. And this man has a lot of really good qualities. It's just for there to be so much taking-for-granted (as I read it) just 3-ish months into a relationship, makes me concerned that when there really ARE difficult things that come up as they inevitably will, I'll be completely "expendable" in his eyes. That's what I feel now...that he likes me, maybe even has some feelings for me (as evidenced in how he looks at me, how he holds my hand and puts his arm around my waist and spontaneously kisses me softly on my forehead or cheek--all things he didn't do a month and a half ago)...but he could take me or leave me pretty much.

 

And that's where I have doubt. I don't think he should be 100% SURE about me, about us, so early in the game...just as I don't think it would be fair for him to expect that I would be sure. And he told me recently that he's typically reserved with his feelings and is slow to let people into his trust, and that I very much respect. I'd much rather have someone slower to warm towards me than instantly be all burning bright with infatuation. Because a slow-warmer, when they finally say "I love you," you know they really, deeply feel it.

 

That's where I worry I'm being "unreasonable." That's where I think you might be right, Reality Drip, that on some level I'm hoping still to "win" him over and when I win him over he'll treat me with the respect I want. Does it ever work that way? Or will he continue to take me for granted more and more until he has no respect for me whatsoever and I'm miserable and frustrated and turn into an angry, nagging beyotch?

 

OR could it work this way: that maybe if I break it off, he'll think about things, realize he needs to be more respectful, and come back and be more of a gentleman? I know you can't break up with someone hoping for that; I know you have to break up with the idea that it's over and you're both moving on...but is it POSSIBLE that by my showing via a break-up that I won't put up with anything less than absolute respect, he'll step up to a more...palatable...game?

[Zapbasket]

I'm kind-of embarrassed even to be posting this, but I need help! After last Friday night where we had a big long talk about how he speaks to me, etc., I almost did the deed and left him, even put on my shoes, because he barked at me and I just snapped. I was visibly upset and I told him it is NOT okay to speak to me that way, and I said I can't imagine he hasn't had this problem before, and he admitted he has. And when he saw I was serious about leaving, he told me how much he cared about me, and said he learned this way of talking from the men in his family, and he seemed so sincere and thoughtful about what I said to him that I relented.

 

WHY AM I UNABLE TO END THIS?????

 

I was out of town the rest of the weekend, and I spoke to some friends, and they're all saying, End It.

 

So I return to town, all set to break the news, and he invites me over to dinner, and was so sweet and vulnerable and solicitous that I relented.

 

And now, he's coming with me to a city 200 miles away to help me move and we're going to the wedding of a friend of his. His dad lent him his truck and I tried all week to find an alternative so I could say, "No thanks," but there was nothing I could afford. I don't have friends here yet, and I felt out of options. And so I tried to be honest with N, and say straightforwardly that I'm very uneasy about the weekend because,while I'm very very very appreciative, I'm afraid of him getting impatient and barking at me as he's proven he's wont to do.

 

And he got really frustrated and said, "It seems like in your eyes, the damage has already been done." And I replied, "No! If that were the case, then I'd not still be here." He asked me how long I was going to drag his balls over hot coals about this. I stood firm and said that the consequence of treating someone you've only been dating a few months with anything less than your utmost respect and best behavior is that even once you apologize, it takes time to set things back on track.

 

Yesterday, I invited him over to my new apartment to have an "inaugural beer" on my deck, as a kind of peace offering, a chance to try to restore good will. And when I bent in to kiss him, he turned his head and kissed my cheek. And yet another cord of faith snapped in me. I mean, really? Just a couple of months in and this pettiness already?

 

So now I feel trapped; he's the only way I have now to get my stuff moved this weekend, and I guess what he gets in return is an escort to his friend's wedding. And of course I'll be paying for all the gas. He's already announced to me that he's going to be watching the soccer games on Saturday and Sunday. It just feels like every way he communicates me contains a vague derision, however slight.

 

I just don't understand why I couldn't have ended it. Has anyone else been in a situation like this? I'm almost ashamed of myself...no, maybe more baffled at myself than anything else.