Handling Teasing

[Zapbasket]

I agree with your friend and the other posters. If my wife said this to me, I think there's a good chance that I'd call time on the marriage. My friends and I might trade good-natured "f*ck yous", but coming from an SO out of anger? In my book it's abuse, and it's not to be tolerated.

 

Wow. Thanks for sharing that, Gorilla. I guess there is really a reason why that interchange from last week sits so poorly with me.

 

The problem is, in a pre-marriage relationship, there's no "inbetween" space. I either continue the relationship, which increasingly does not feel like an option, or I end it completely. The idea of "taking a break" doesn't hold water with me because I can't promise ANYONE that after a "break" period I'd want to come back. I think it's much more sincere to just make a clean break. I also think maybe someone who exhibits behaviors such as N's needs to lose someone they care a lot about in order to recognize fully that that manner of dealing with misunderstandings and disagreements in a relationship is completely unacceptable.

 

I can't help feeling that if he wanted to change, and saw need to change, as a result of all my implorings, putting my foot down, etc. these past 6 months, he'd have done so. Right?

[GorillaTheater]

I can't help feeling that if he wanted to change, and saw need to change, as a result of all my implorings, putting my foot down, etc. these past 6 months, he'd have done so. Right?

 

I think the possibility exists that he doesn't particularly want to change. Even if he does, he apparently hasn't place it too high on his "to do" list. If that's the case, then yeah, he may be a bit like me insofar as he has to learn the hard way. Like losing you.

 

Whether or not losing you is permanent is up to you, but I understand your distaste for "taking a break". If you do break up, and if you'd be willing to attempt reconciliation down the road, my advice is to not make it too easy or too quick for him. Give him some time to do some serious reflection and make some changes. Make sure the changes stick, and only then attaempt reconciliation. In the meantime, you figure out what your personal boundaries are and where they should be, and stick to them. I think the most important part about healthy boundaries is not what those boundaries are, but enforcement of those boundaries.

[Crazy Magnet]

Thanks Crazy Magnet. I think you pinpointed why I'm NOT listening to my gut: I KNOW I'm oversensitive, and so I question myself a lot. Often I read into things and embarrassed later at how far off I was in terms of the person's intentions. Or, intellectually I'll know the person meant no harm, but emotionally I might still feel a twinge of hurt at their comment. I'm always having to check myself. And I do that here, too. Is it oversensitive of me to be offended that he alluded to my dead grandmother as a "nut job"? He didn't mean it disparagingly; I was telling him about my nutty aunt and he asked if there was mental illness on that side of my family and I said there was a propensity for depression and then he asked, "So was your grandmother a nut job?" I thought it was very gauche of him, but still, he meant no harm.

 

Maybe another woman would not be so offended by N's teasing and irritability?

 

Both of my grandmothers are still alive, but if anyone ever insulted my dead mother....I would introduce their butt to my foot.

 

I do know how you feel. The friend I mentioned before (and I) go through the same thing. It's why I'm here. I can never really tell if things bother me because I'm too sensitive or if it's really a big issue that everyone would be bothered over.

 

LS has been spot on (when you ignore the idiot posts) about letting me know what was and was not a big deal. I agree, "F8ck You!" in a moment of anger is verbal abuse. It's totally uncalled for in a romantic relationship where love "supposedly" exists. I would not tolerate that for a second and I can't imagine any of my friends would either.

 

I had it happen once, and it took me two weeks to get the guts to end it (I was terrified of another blow up because we co-habitated) but I did and looking back I can't BELIEVE I let it go that far. I too had plenty of warning signs that this guy could fly off the handle at any moment.

 

I would tell him that "FU" is unacceptable and you won't tolerate it and there are no second chances for that kind of behavior.

 

I have a feeling that once you get away from this soul sucking wretch that you will feel a weight lifted off your shoulder and feel very free. You'll probably wonder what in the heck took you so long.