My girlfriend of 3 years left me 2 months ago and doesn't love me anymore, but...

[DayAfterDay]

I have had the pleasure of sharing the past three years of my life with an amazing woman. Two months ago she calls and says "we need to talk", shows up at my house with a note and bawling. She sat down with me and I read the note.

 

The note was long, but to sum it up...it said that she wants to see me get motivated and take charge of my life and that the past 3 years have been absolutely wonderful but it basically just doesn't feel the same as it did, that she also feels as if we are best friends now, and the romance isn't really there anymore. She said she had been thinking about it REALLY hard in the past month, and she feels like this is what is best. She says that she's never done anything for herself and wants to do things for herself for a while, and the last two paragraphs of the note state that she needs to focus on her life and she would like to see me be focused on my life and that maybe it will work out for us in the future but right now its not. After being in utter shock, I asked her if she just needed space. She nodded and began to cry more and I walked her to the door and she hugged me one last time and left.

 

After this I immediately booked a ticket to Georgia(where I'm from) to clear my head about this. She found out that I had left and went to Georgia and FREAKED OUT. For some reason she had thought I had like, moved there or something and she told me she didn't want me to think that she was just "abandoning me". At this point, I thought she may just be confused and that it would work out. During my time in Georgia I talked to her a handful of times on the phone and told her that I'm going back to school and getting on my own two feet again.

 

**Back Story**

When I met her, she was a junior in college and I had just moved here from NY after pursuing a career in music. After we met I went to Recording Arts school for 2 years and graduated last summer. Everything was always so amazing with us during this time. However after I graduated I began contracting, which was good, but the work slowly started to get slower and slower and I was getting more and more frustrated and discouraged, and she knew that. She is a special ed teacher finishing her 2nd year of teaching and 1st year of grad school, she's got her **** together aside from the fact that her Greek parents smother her and don't want her to move out until she gets married. The girl makes almost $40,000 a year and still lives with her parents. She hasn't experienced a lot of life. In the final 5 months or so that we were together I got REALLY stagnant in my life and wasn't doing much of anything besides just hanging out with her in my room when she got home from work/school and being a leech. I admit it. I made mistakes, and I am learning from them. I was in a serious funk at that time in my life and I'm making lots of positive changes. She claims that this doesn't have that much to do with the break-up, but I think it has way more to do with it than she is leading me to believe.

**END**

 

After returning, I decided to give her space and respect her wishes. This began one of the most painful and hard experiences I've ever been through...she texted me a week later telling me that she didn't get laid off from her job as well as whenever we are online at the same time she talked to me asking what I was doing, and how I was doing and how curious she was about where I was going with my life and I told her (which was stupid, because she gave up her right to know anything when she decided to leave me) but I was receptive to her. And I was too nice, and I was too friendly. All of the conversations we had were mostly positive and sometimes not even about the relationship, sometimes they were just friendly conversations, but when they were about the relationship, they were positive too. The talks that we would have wouldn't hurt too much while we were talking but after, I usually ended up crying or sulking. One conversation she said that there is something in the back of her head telling her that this may somehow bring us together again in the future but she thinks this is right for both of us right now. But when she says "future"...she's not talking 3 months, or 6 months, or even a year. She's talking like 5+ years down the road. What?

 

Another thing I feel like I should maybe mention that probably took a toll on our relationship was the fact that we didn't really have separate lives away from each other. Which in retrospect was probably not great, and its not anyone's fault because its what we both wanted at the time, but we were joined at the hip 99% of the relationship and didn't ever want to go or be anywhere without each other. I'd like to think that it was just because we were so in love. But this was really our biggest issue, we never had trust issues we never had jealousy issues or issues with lying, cheating, abuse etc. It was a great relationship (i think).

 

And then after a month and a half or so...I started to get confused a little bit because this was really not making sense. She still has the most amazing things to say about me: we get along so well, we are best friends, i have an amazing personality, i'm a warm and caring person, etc. but the DESIRE to WANT to be with me is just not there anymore. I don't get that. It was becoming clearer and clearer to me that she was unwilling to at least try...which was maybe a misfire on my part because its not a lot of space and time apart, but she was also somewhat leading me on I think. "We just need time" she says. I started to think that she just fell out of love with me, for whatever reason it was...and I confronted her about it and she said that it was something that she HERSELF was in denial of since the break-up, but that is probably the real reason. Broke my heart, but I knew it was coming.

 

After having a few more calm conversations about it, I asked her if there was anyone else, and she said no. I asked her if she ever had any feelings for anyone else while we were together, and she said "No, not while we were together." which means she may have feelings for someone now. Long story short, I found out from her that she had hung out/gone out with some guy she works with a few times since we had been broken up, but she swears up and down that it had NOTHING to do with why she left me because she doesn't want to be in a relationship with and its "nothing serious". I believe her to an extent. I don't think she cheated on me. However, I think that this guy is very likely the reason that she began to question the relationship and her feelings for me and she broke it off because she was scared that she was going to start to have feelings for another person. This hurt me a lot, needless to say, but I was trying to stand tough about it. After a few more conversations we both began to have a meltdown over the phone about it. Me saying that I loved her and I missed her and I didn't want anyone else for as long as I lived, and her saying that she was sorry and that its only been two months and she doesn't know who she is or what she's doing and that she'll talk to me about it when she's ready. I decided that I was done, I couldn't put myself through this anymore so I wrote her a LONG e-mail saying that I couldn't talk to her for a while and would appreciate it if she didn't contact me and that maybe we can be friends someday, but for my own health I cannot talk to her. I sent that and then de-activated my Facebook and fell off the grid for a while.

 

That was two and a half weeks ago. No response, although I wasn't expecting one. What should I do? Opinions? Questions? Thoughts?

 

 

Thanks in advance.

Edited May 30, 2010 by DayAfterDay

[michaelhopes]

I decided that I was done, I couldn't put myself through this anymore so I wrote her a LONG e-mail saying that I couldn't talk to her for a while and would appreciate it if she didn't contact me and that maybe we can be friends someday, but for my own health I cannot talk to her. I sent that and then de-activated my Facebook and fell off the grid for a while.

You are doing the right thing. Stay NC and move on with your life.

Dont buy any of the krap that comes out of her mouth. It all translates to "I want to keep you on a back burner while I see what else is out there".

[DayAfterDay]

You are doing the right thing. Stay NC and move on with your life.

Dont buy any of the krap that comes out of her mouth. It all translates to "I want to keep you on a back burner while I see what else is out there".

 

 

I know. But I can't help but think that this is my fault. I know I shouldn't beat myself up, but I feel like if i had not be in such an oblivious funk...she maybe wouldn't have been feeling this way. I didn't used to be like that, we used to be interdependent on each other and I was way to dependent on her and just wasn't doing anything with my life over the past 5 or 6 months. I've been such and idiot and I didn't even realize it. It took losing the best thing I ever had to realize it. But I know she loved me for me at one point, and I know that I am a worthy and good person, as she has stated since this happened.

 

But she also didn't tell me anything was bothering her when this was going on, and she had an obligation to and she said that she "didn't want to be my mom" and "didn't want to nag me" which is understandable, but still. It's so hard to move on, because I have a feeling that we are honestly meant for each other. But maybe we aren't? She was my absolute best friend, and I was hers too. Given in the conversations I've had with her...she seems "not okay" about losing me forever. It honestly sounds like it could go either way....but I'm not banking on anything at all given that she says that MAYBE it will work out in the FUTURE (i.e. 5 years or so).

 

 

I'm starting to think that maybe she WANTS to believe in destiny, and she WANTS to believe in fate, she wants to believe that since i was her first love that somehow, someway we will end up being together again in the end....so we just "need time"?

Edited May 30, 2010 by DayAfterDay

[michaelhopes]

She WANTS to string you along, either to keep you on the back burner or let you down easy. Anything you do now to get her back will backfire on you.

Do a 180 and go the other way. Show her how it will be without you in her life.

[DayAfterDay]

I don't know what the hell she's thinking. It sounds like it's maybe a little bit of both?

 

She doesn't want to say "No, it'll NEVER happen.", but I feel like she's made it clear that she wants me to move on right now and if its meant to be in the future than it'll be, I guess?

[michaelhopes]

Its normal as the dumpee to over-analyze everything youve done in the past and pick yourself apart. Also youre romanticising everything she says,struggling to translate her double speak, and of course she's always been a perfect angel right?

SKREW THAT........

If someone wants to be away from you let them have it.....

[DayAfterDay]

I agree. Perhaps I am still in denial myself, its just that picturing my life without her is unfathomable.

 

And i definitely know her flaws, she's not perfect. Trust me. But they were not anything serious that couldn't be worked on in the relationship. But I accepted all of those in her and loved her anyway. And she feels like she did the same for me, but it just "isn't the same" anymore.

 

This is still so unreal to me.

[DayAfterDay]

But what the hell is the whole, "There's something in the back of my head that says maybe this will bring us together in the future" thing. Like 5 plus years in the future.

 

WTF is that about? What does that mean?

[Feelin Frisky]

This is a lesson from the school of hard knocks. You got dumped. Be careful that this experience doesn't wake you up to the fact that you have or are devloping an obsessive nature. Being around nutty people who you can't figure out and then being emotionally victimized by them can keep you mired in a bag of their emotional idiosyncracies. I was so busted up by someone I had such high hopes for but proved to have a problem trusting (me or anyone), that I decided instead of demanding that she see a shrink, I wrote her off and saw a shrink to help me lighten the spiraling obsession with my unhappiness that was making me a toxic person to other people around me. It was a brilliant move. I benefitted from Prozac and could see what a toxic bitch she was. I no longer kept questioning myself. I moved to make sure there were no cracks she could wiggle back throug.

[DayAfterDay]

I am unsure if that is the case. I have been to a few sessions of therapy myself in coping with this loss and it hasn't ended up being anything like that. Perhaps I may go through bursts of being obsessive about it(this being one of them), but I think I'm going to be okay overall, I have started a new full-time job along with going to school full-time so I am super busy. So that helps.

 

 

I also worry about my letter that I wrote to her cutting her off. I go back and forth in regretting sending it because at times it does sound a little melodramatic, and at times I may look a little pathetic and desperate, but overall it is written in a calm state, but you can definitely tell that I am in pain and I was very honest about how much pain I was in. I fear that in writing this letter I may have slammed the door shut completely with her.

[michaelhopes]

You cant slam a door that's already closed

You're just letting go and protecting yourself