A Dramatic Story of Reconciliation

[Ever Black]

My story is pretty long but I wanted to get some advice. So bear with me on the details. I think many are important to mention so that readers can get a good perspective on things.

 

I've been in a long distance relationship since the summer of 2006. I am from the US and he is from Canada. I met my partner online and we instantly connected. We corresponded -intensely- online for 6 months and then finally met in January of 2007.

 

We also connected immediately in person. Instant attraction on all levels. From then on, there were several trips made to see one another and in between trips we continued to correspond daily in a variety of ways. Email, webcam, text, phone; however we could.

 

Never would I have thought that I would wind up doing this, especially so quickly, but in the summer of 2007, he proposed to me and we got engaged. We really felt we were ready for this and we both were thrilled and excited. Everything seemed blissful until the end of 2007 around Christmas.

 

I was having a tough time with work throughout the year, especially beginning around fall and work-related stress was getting to me. I found myself unable to cope with all of the depression involved and when he came to visit me for a 12 day trip around Christmas, a simple incident turned into a 16 hour marathon argument about all sorts of things - faith differences, styles of dress, sex, ex-boyfriend baggage woes (my part), how I should handle work and so on.

 

I couldn't even believe it myself as we had never been through anything like that together. The argument was very heated, draining and shocking. There were no names called or anything like that, it was just the result of me having a nervous breakdown in front of him. I came off very dominant and forceful, erratic even, in a way he hadn't seen from me before. I was working at the time, during the trip, so once the argument was over, the next day, I felt like **** at work.

 

I couldn't focus on anything but him and I eventually left work to come back early to the hotel to try to apologize and make up to him about how everything turned out the day before. I was totally in tears and feeling bad.

 

He was still reeling from the experience. I put him in a state of bewilderment and I eventually winded up breaking his heart over the marathon argument. He found out it wasn't something he could handle...the breakdown I had. I really had no idea how deeply hurt he was over it all. He was actually contemplating (I much later found out) leaving for home, while I was at work, without telling me. At that time, his feelings about marrying me changed overnight and he decided to head home a few days earlier than expected, even after I came back early from work to make amends.

 

Anyway, once he got home, I thought we had worked through everything that happened and we continued to correspond. I eventually was supposed to go up to Canada and see his neck of the woods and meet his family since I finally got my passport. He was on his way to east Canada to do a masters internship for 4 months. He is originally from BC. 6 months passed without another trip taking place. I was supposed to see during spring but it never happened.

 

So once he reached his internship destination, we planned a trip for me to come and meet him there (he had been there for 3 months already), so I could see his new temporary surroundings and also get a chance to see him. Remember, I hadn't see him since the dreaded December 2007 incident, of which I figured we had moved on from.

 

continued...

[Ever Black]

Well, once I met him in Montreal during his internship, I immediately felt something was off. I can always sense the energy of people or when things aren't right. It wasn't anything most would consider very outward, but I picked it up nonetheless. Sexual energy between us was off and I began asking him about this, wondering what was wrong. He seemed uncomfortable with my questioning or pondering and all of the mystery just made me more insecure and concerned. Well, this winded up turning into another argument. Not one like in December 07, but another heated argument. I couldn't get him to communicate with me and tell me what was going on.

 

The trip winded up feeling very off until I found out that while I was away my mother had a stroke. Once the trip was over, I flew back home and immediately visited my mother in intensive care. My world seemed to be turning upside down. My relationship with my fiance was falling apart and the disconnect continued once I got home and on top of that, I was dealing with the heavy stresses of my mom's sudden illness.

 

He was near the end of his internship in the summer of 2008. But we were completely falling apart. I tried fighting for my relationship but I was failing. We exchanged several emotional and dark emails with one another and it didn't seem like he wanted to reconcile. He wouldn't even return phone calls or come on Skype. He just kept on keeping his distance and sending me emails saying how we weren't right for one another and things weren't working out. I felt like I just couldn't reach him so out of desperation, I called his parent's house in Vancouver crying and telling them I was concerned about everything and what was going on. They were alarmed and as a result they contacted him. He found out I called them and he finally called me on the phone. He heard my voice, that I had been crying and that seemed to sway him about how serious I was.

 

So we, over the course of the next few weeks winded up reconciling. We never once were ever broken up although we hit that wall. Once we did reconcile, I suddenly began receiving weird messages, contacts and emails online. The first odd thing that happened was that someone contacted me on FB saying that they were looking for a graphic designer to help them design invitations for their wedding. I am a graphic designer professionally, so I didn't think anything of this inquiry. My professional website is online and I occasionally get requests for freelance work out of the blue.

 

I cordially obliged the request, gave this "woman" my personal email for more info on how to get a project going. I noted that in her inquiry, she seemed very interested in my engagement status that she saw on my Facebook, saying she was engaged too, how excited she was about her wedding and was I was truly engaged as well. I confirmed yes and again followed up with contact info.

 

Not long after that, on the same day, I got a weird series of emails from this person named "Tristan Mueller". This person's first emailed and wanted to ask me what my fiance's name was and if the name matched they had the right person.

 

Now I've been online for sometime and I've had internet stalkers, and I figured this must be one of those internet stalkers I've dealt with in the past, so I wasn't so quick to give so much info to this "random" person who was asking about my relationship. I asked them who they were and why they wanted to know such info. They kept on asking me the same thing...if my partner's name was so and so and if so, they had something to tell me.

 

Eventually they saw that they had the "right person" and this "guy" told me that my fiance was seeing his wife and he wanted to inform me of this. I was skeptical. I didn't believe any of that so I definitely figured this was a past stalker playing games. I checked ip address and began asking this "guy" what his wife's name was, how he came to find out how his wife cheating and could he tell me anything about the cheating and give me evidence. They wouldn't oblige and this guy began to become angry and impatient with me. I thought this was weird because if a man's wife is cheating on him with my partner, he'd be sympathetic and very cooperative with any questions I had to ALSO discover info. This was never the case. I saw that this person began to toss out a few pieces of info about my personal life. They knew my mom was sick, they knew my fiance's full name and so forth.

 

I told my fiance about this and he was alarmed and he emailed the Tristan guy and told them to basically **** off. That upset this Tristan person a great deal and they began to get very nasty, making mocking comments about my mother's illness and attacking me personally. I eventually blocked, so I don't know what else they sent after that.

 

I also noticed later when I checked to follow up on that woman from my FB who was getting married, that her profile had disappeared. I never connected these events at that time.

 

Anyway, my partner and I planned another trip...him coming to see me in LA in fall of 2008. He was done with his internship and was at home again in BC. I had gotten a high profile job at a very lucrative company, so I could not make another trip out to Montreal again to make the trip right, that time around, since last trip in Montreal a month before was hell. Plus, I wanted to stay in town to be near since my mom was recovering.

 

The trip turned out to have sparks and feelings again. We both felt the same way it seemed. We reconnected and had a great time.

 

Months passed, we continued to talk and correspond everyday as before very intensely. My contract ended with my job in December of 2008 and I also got into a major car accident around that time, losing my car because it was totaled. I came out okay, though.

 

I finally was able to get a trip in to see Canada. Long time coming, long overdue, due to a series of events. This trip happened in February of 2009 and I thought we had a great time. I even got my engagement ring re-sized as he paid to have it fit my finger better. I met his family and everything.

 

Skip head to July of 2009 and we hit another wall. Basically since summer of 2008, there had been a lot of talk about how to close the gap between us in distance. It was time to find a way to put an end to this being an LDR. It was either me moving to Canada or him moving to the US. We had talked about a fiance visa, as well. But it seemed that his intensity on getting married had decreased a little over time after the break we had in Dec. 2007 with that long marathon argument.

 

I was still in the dark about what his true feelings were and if he had officially gotten over everything that happened. He is not someone who i s used to communicating very openly or dealing with conflict. He is used to hiding and internalizing his feelings while I am opposite. I like to get everything out on the table.

 

We hit a wall in July because I kept on expressing to him how much I missed him and how we should have another trip and what were we going to do about the distance finally. He seemed removed and distant emotionally and felt pressured. I knew something was off, but couldn't place a finger on what exactly it was. So that wall in July made him want to break up, but again we eventually reconciled. I will also mention there was still never a point where we officially broke up, although we came close.

 

In late July, I noticed that on his Twitter account there was this woman he received Tweets from once in awhile. I didn't think anything of it at first, but soon I became suspicious. I knew of most or all of his friends as he had mentioned them to me. This woman was in England. I never knew he had any friends in England and she was also of the same ethnic background I am. We are in an interracial relationship. Mild alarms were going off within to inspect this further. So I asked him one day who the woman was on his Twitter account and he seemed very casual. He just mentioned she was a random friend online.

 

I listened to his explanation but deep down inside, I needed to probe further.

 

continued...

[Ever Black]

I came to find out that she had a "private" blog online. It wasn't officially private because anyone could read it, but I don't think it was meant for anyone to just see. I looked at it and it had a personal goal list for the year on it. I didn't see anything weird until I looked at the items on her goal list on the sidebar of her blog.

 

On the 16th number, I saw her mention my partner's name and say that this goal was to go to Canada and spend some time with him. I was alarmed and thought, "WTF? Who makes that a damn goal if he barely knows her as he says?!"

 

I showed him the blog I found and he denied that he knew her that well. At the time he even said he had no idea of the blog. I asked him why did she had him mentioned on the blog twice. In once entry she mentioned him as a friend and how he introduced her to the idea of doing this goal list and the other mention was of course, in the numbered goal list.

 

I told him that sounded very personal and intimate to make HIM a goal and to mention him as an influence. He continued to deny he knew her that well.

 

I continued to probe privately and I found that she was on a board for those with depression and suicidal feelings. I don't go around snooping into personal issues like this because they are serious but I really wanted to know what she was writing on there, just in case she mentioned anything involving him. As I was really suspicious now. I joined as a member, just to lurk and read and found out a host of things about her. But again I was more concerned with her mentioning him. I found out in several instances she did. Not necessarily by name but by location and such. She never called him a boyfriend or a partner or said she was in a relationship. He was always a "friend", but she talked about him intimately and even had a thread on there about how she wanted to be with him and go meet him in Canada and how he felt the same way about her.

 

I eventually told him about this board and he was shocked. I asked her how he met her and told him what I saw. He told me she was someone a friend introduced him to and she was someone in a similar MA problem, but studying in her home country (UK) and that his friend thought they would be good personal connections for career. He said they were introduced in Montreal during his internship. I kind of believed him but something told me this was not right, but I still didn't have very concrete evidence. Again she never mentioned him as a partner. For all I knew she had some infatuation he didn't know about.

 

I continued to quietly lurk and probe and found out more about her. I eventually saw one thread where she posted that she had never visited anyplace outside of Europe. That sent me reeling with emotion because that means he lied about how they met and if he was lying about that, it wasn't for any good and legit reason.

 

I called him up and confronted him about this and he was dead quiet for a good 3 minutes on the phone. I again commanded out loud that he answer and I then said, "Are you cheating on me???!!!" He quickly answered no in this weak and quivering voice and then began to talk about that she was really an emotional confidant that his friend (the same one he mentioned before) introduced him to and that when we had our problems, his friend told him she knew someone that he could talk to privately that shared similar issues. He said he kept this private because he knew I would not approve of this, talking to others about our problems.

 

Again, I wanted to believe him but something still seemed off. I realize I was going to have to really find **** out for myself.

 

Without going into too much detail, I basically found out all of that were lies. He met her online, on a dating site. HE contacted her. He contacted her when we had our break in summer of 2008 when I came back from Montreal. He lied to her and told her he had been single since Dec. 2007 (when we had that long argument). I also connected the dots, remembered emails I saved from the summer of 2008 and figured out that those Tristan emails were really HER, including the so-called interested engaged client looking for a designer to create wedding invitations.

 

That was her trying to find out what he was to me and she DID see that we were together at the time since she got a look into my FB profile. I told him about this...that those emails were from her. I found out this he never really knew about. She had lied to him back then and told him that this was a stalker ex of hers that stalked everyone that she knew and who knew who she knew. He asked her about the emails at the time because of the claim that he was seeing someone. He was paranoid that perhaps she knew about the emails and that is when she lied a great deal trying to cover it all up. He never believed it was her but her so-called stalker ex.

 

BUT he hid this info from me until the beginning of this year.

 

continued...

[Ever Black]

So all in all, since the middle of last year, I found out that she existed period, that he had an emotional affair with this person, never truly told her, as he had claimed at some point, that he was reconciling with me, to "get back" in a relationship with me. He told her he wanted to be friends but he never told her why during the summer of 2008 after their 2 week online thrill. But she also never told him about it being her under those aliases and that she saw he was in a relationship...fully engaged. I don't know why she chose to hide the second fact, but I understood why she hid her identity behind the aliases.

 

He also lied constantly leading her to think he was single, when he never was. I guess she had figured he had gotten rid of me and began to trust that.

 

I've been uncovering all of these lies about what really happen and he finally had come clean about everything, admitting the nature, beginning and duration of the affair, because that is indeed what it was. They never met, they never did anything "sexual" online, but the fact of the matter is, he cheated emotionally and hid that from me for some time. He claimed that at some point he really just saw her as a friend, but she was not someone to be friends with.

 

You don't make friends with someone you cheated with. He should have cut things off with her completely once we decided to reconcile back in the summer of 2008. But he never did that. He continued leading her on and making him think he was single.

 

He now apologizes, tells me how he hates himself for all that he's done...that he wishes he could go back and erase everything and start over and he handled everything poorly because he was too cowardly to confront all of the emotions that bottled up over time. He said this person made him feel special and needed because she constantly sought emotional support and help from him to improve her life. He said that made him feel good about himself, that he could help someone, make them feel better and lean on him for support.

 

However, I have always been supportive of him, and aside from that breakdown I had back in 07, I've been a very good partner to him. Always open, communicative and attentive....and last year I spent a great deal of time trying to get the relationship back on track but he just wasn't "there" emotionally because he let someone else in and he was talking to friends about our personal problems rather than truly confiding in me, which he should have all along.

 

This whole ordeal has been extremely hurtful and I struggle now to forgive and move forward. At the end of last year, I made plans to move to Canada to continue my career and see if we could close the gap finally. He seemed iffy. On one hand he wanted that but he was fearful of what we'd be like in person after only meet up in Feb. and then again in Nov. of last year. In Nov. 09, our trip was very emotional. I was really hurt and I continued to want answers to everything that had happened. I didn't feel like I could get closure until he told me everything, even things I might not have wanted to hear. I just wanted to know the truth rather than my imagination getting the best of me or finding out things through stuff she wrote online.

 

So now, he keeps talking about wanting to rebuild...to be forgiven, that he is truly sorry and that it is difficult for him to have admitted those things because he was trying to hide the truth to not hurt me, to protect himself and not look like an ******* and he knows that broke our trust. As a result, we are no longer in an engaged status, so we refer to one another as partners.

 

This is a very long story, with even more details that what is provided, but this is what I'll write for now in case anyone has any comments or advice...or questions.

 

I needed someplace to vent, talk and purge. So this seemed to be the proper place for that.