Recovering from an emotionally abusive relationship?

[lunar_rabbit]

I see a lot of threads here about emotionally abusive relationships, which makes me feel less alone.

 

I left my own emotionally abusive situation almost five months ago now, and I've found someone else I want to be with (and who wants to be with me), but we've both realised that I'm still bearing some deep wounds that are in the way of us having a healthy relationship. I'm not ready for another relationship right now, but sometime in my life, I really want to be. This was actually what he said about it -

 

"I wished I was able to feel like I could actually be there for you. I felt like your heart was rather closed off to me and that I was more of an intruder then a welcome guest. I always was wondering what you were really feeling or thinking cuz I felt like I couldn't be sure. ****'s negative imprint was making itself known, and I felt like no matter how much positiveness I surrounded you with..it didn't matter..the negative influence was winning..and I just wished for it to be gone..to not have that imprint from him around anymore."

 

I feel really closed and guarded with my new crush...like I just can't let him in in case he tears me apart again like the last man did. I make comparisons with the other man all the time, as if I'm looking for ways to justify my subconscious beliefs that everything will turn out horribly again. I worry all the time that he will leave me, that he's not serious about me because the other man wandered in and out of my life as and when he pleased, months of no contact in between and never committing. I compare myself to his ex-girlfriend all the time because that's what the other man did, telling me about his ex-girlfriends while we were in bed together.

 

I feel like I'm soiled by the other man. I changed a lot of things about myself to fit with what I thought he wanted in a woman, because I really was that infatuated. I worked hard to become more outgoing because at first he said he wouldn't date me because I was too shy, I enrolled in evening classes on subjects I cared nothing for because I didn't feel intelligent enough, I changed the way I dressed, the music I listened to, the books I read, and a lot more besides. I just wanted to be accepted by him because he would treat me with scorn otherwise. But on my worst days now, I cry and hate who I've become, and I mourn the old me of two years ago, before I met him. I don't really know who I am anymore, and now I really want to find out, even though sometimes I still find myself looking at clothes in a shop and buying the ones I think he would approve of. I can't seem to fully get rid of these behavioural patterns, even months later.

 

I just want the last vestiges of the other man out of my life, and I want to be free from all this. I want to feel like I'm good enough again. I want to know who I really am without his influence. But I have no idea how to go about it :/ What books to read, and if anyone has any tips or resources to share, please do. Anything at all is welcome, because I feel like I've reached a desperate and critical point. I'm sorry it wasn't a very coherent post, but I have so many thoughts and feelings on it that it's hard to get them allin order... >_<;

[veryconfuzed]

I left my own emotionally abusive situation almost five months ago now

 

You should be VERY proud of yourself for taking this step. You recognized what was happening and that you were not honoring yourself, and you got out. That must have taken a tremendous amount of courage. You are a real inspiration to others, here.

 

I feel really closed and guarded with my new crush...like I just can't let him in in case he tears me apart again like the last man did.

 

I am no expert on this, but this has got to be a completely normal reaction to what you've been through.

 

I feel like I'm soiled by the other man. I changed a lot of things about myself to fit with what I thought he wanted in a woman, because I really was that infatuated. I don't really know who I am anymore, and now I really want to find out, even though sometimes I still find myself looking at clothes in a shop and buying the ones I think he would approve of. I can't seem to fully get rid of these behavioural patterns, even months later.

 

Know that you're in good company, here. So many of us get caught up in changing themselves to please others. We do crazy things when we're infatuated - certain brain chemicals are produced and you're not even thinking straight. The great thing here is that you recognize it. While you may feel terrible for changing yourself to please this man, you CAN go back to being yourself. It won't happen overnight, but my guess is that you're already morphing back into your former self.

 

But I have no idea how to go about it :/ What books to read, and if anyone has any tips or resources to share, please do. Anything at all is welcome, because I feel like I've reached a desperate and critical point. I'm sorry it wasn't a very coherent post, but I have so many thoughts and feelings on it that it's hard to get them allin order... >_<;

 

I will leave this to others more experienced here to recommend resources, but I think you're very much on the right track. You're being honest with yourself and you want to honor yourself which means that you VALUE yourself! And, your post was actually quite coherent! Hang in there!

[sugarmomma]

Please get some counseling with someone who specializes in abuse issues. Emotional abuse can be more detrimental than physical abuse/scars. The manipulation, withholding, silent treatment, stonewalling, contempt etc leaves a person who is unsure of themself with even more fears and insecurities to recover from.

 

Please don't pursue another serious relationship until you start toheal from the previous dysfunctional ones. Be friends withthe new guy but don't get emotionally attached because that is just a way of not dealing with the pain of being alone to work on your issues.

 

Best wishes in your recovery journey.

[soconfused01]

I'm in the same boat. Fortunately and unfortunately both, I'm already in a relationship with someone new, someone caring and sweet, who wants to fall in love with me. He's taught me a lot about what a relationship is supposed to be like but I still find myself having dreams where I'm trying to get back with my abusive ex, although logically I am disgusted by him and have no respect for his actions, especially in his life since I left him, and yet I still feel love for him, which prevents me from moving on with my new boyfriend.

 

I've found patricia evan's books to be helpful in recovery, yet nothing that quite deals with the feeling that one still cares for ones abuser, still feel guilty that one couldn't make it work and for the wrong things one did in the relationship as well, which is what I feel and struggle with.

While I may not know what I feel, my brain tells me it will probly just take a lot of time, trying to lead a normal life, trying to respect your own needs and holding others to that standard as well. time heals all wounds.

:-/ best of luck

[jnsac23]

Hi:

 

I read you post. I am married to my husband of 17 years and everyday he calls some type bad name in the book to justify hiimself for cheating. Im a crazy psycho b---- according to him. He doesn't understand that everyword that comes out of his mouth to hurt me has went straight to my heart. I think it was worse than him hitting me. He could never take back those words he has said to me. I had 3 of his kids and to hear him call me a whore and a cunt was the worst thing I have heard in my life. He has told me he hated me while almost spitting in my face. So you see, I know personally that emotional abuse is by far worse than physical abuse. I think it takes way longer to heal.

 

 

I see a lot of threads here about emotionally abusive relationships, which makes me feel less alone.

 

I left my own emotionally abusive situation almost five months ago now, and I've found someone else I want to be with (and who wants to be with me), but we've both realised that I'm still bearing some deep wounds that are in the way of us having a healthy relationship. I'm not ready for another relationship right now, but sometime in my life, I really want to be. This was actually what he said about it -

 

"I wished I was able to feel like I could actually be there for you. I felt like your heart was rather closed off to me and that I was more of an intruder then a welcome guest. I always was wondering what you were really feeling or thinking cuz I felt like I couldn't be sure. ****'s negative imprint was making itself known, and I felt like no matter how much positiveness I surrounded you with..it didn't matter..the negative influence was winning..and I just wished for it to be gone..to not have that imprint from him around anymore."

 

I feel really closed and guarded with my new crush...like I just can't let him in in case he tears me apart again like the last man did. I make comparisons with the other man all the time, as if I'm looking for ways to justify my subconscious beliefs that everything will turn out horribly again. I worry all the time that he will leave me, that he's not serious about me because the other man wandered in and out of my life as and when he pleased, months of no contact in between and never committing. I compare myself to his ex-girlfriend all the time because that's what the other man did, telling me about his ex-girlfriends while we were in bed together.

 

I feel like I'm soiled by the other man. I changed a lot of things about myself to fit with what I thought he wanted in a woman, because I really was that infatuated. I worked hard to become more outgoing because at first he said he wouldn't date me because I was too shy, I enrolled in evening classes on subjects I cared nothing for because I didn't feel intelligent enough, I changed the way I dressed, the music I listened to, the books I read, and a lot more besides. I just wanted to be accepted by him because he would treat me with scorn otherwise. But on my worst days now, I cry and hate who I've become, and I mourn the old me of two years ago, before I met him. I don't really know who I am anymore, and now I really want to find out, even though sometimes I still find myself looking at clothes in a shop and buying the ones I think he would approve of. I can't seem to fully get rid of these behavioural patterns, even months later.

 

I just want the last vestiges of the other man out of my life, and I want to be free from all this. I want to feel like I'm good enough again. I want to know who I really am without his influence. But I have no idea how to go about it :/ What books to read, and if anyone has any tips or resources to share, please do. Anything at all is welcome, because I feel like I've reached a desperate and critical point. I'm sorry it wasn't a very coherent post, but I have so many thoughts and feelings on it that it's hard to get them allin order... >_<;