Same ol' same ol'??

[Silly_Girl]

Hello all, looking for some perspective as am in a very bad place at the moment...

 

I'm 32 yrs old, met a man online on a chat and flirt type site. That was 7 months ago. He told me he was married, no sex life, no real bond. His wife had left him for another man and moved out, but after she was dumped (though still has dinner weekly with this man who has a wife and family) she asked to come back to the marital home and he allowed her to. They have a relationship akin to an elderly couple. Companionship and rarely any contact. No children. Been together 12 years and mostly lead quite independent lives, never socialise together for example. Apparently their conversations are fairly practical and superficial and they don't discuss feelings or issues, they go quiet and distant.

 

I stopped contact with him twice in the first couple of months because I felt a really strong connection to him and his being married really played on my mind. But I relented and we continued contact. It's a 2 hour journey for him to get to me and he stays on average every other weekend and sometimes a week night. We fell in love. Or it feels like love to me. In fact, it's almost 'too good'. I call it movie-love. We've become best friends and have a very affectionate and sexual relationship, as well as being able to talk goals and ambitions and deepest fears, and work and families and politics. It feels like the relationship I have always wanted. I can be totally myself. He is kind and funny and articulate and cute and everything I could ask for, both for me, and for my son who lives with me.

 

In February I told him my feelings were too strong to continue as a mistress, and he said he wanted us to be together properly. i.e. he would leave his wife. He stated his choice was not to tell his wife about me, because things were messy when his wife was involved with someone and he said he felt it would make for a cleaner break if there was no affair. He and her have discussed him meeting someone when he moves out and she wants him to stay and has made more effort than she has since they were married. All bad for me. But I thought it was fine, he had a moving date and she knew he was hoping to find someone he could have more of a conventional relationship with.

 

His move got delayed (no surprise eh?!), and we 'ended' things (just for a week!) last month because I was so frustrated and upset. He and I barely function when we aren't in touch. It's like a total depression. And there are tears on the phone when we make contact and everything just feels so right when we are 'back on track' whatever that is. He has found a room to move in to and paid a deposit and the date he was intending to move was 1st June (tomorrow!).

 

Last weekend (9 days ago, not weekend just gone) he was with me, but had a 3 day trip with his wife to go on during last week. It was a present that was purchased before we got serious and he didn't see a reason not to go. He held me on Sunday and told me everything would be okay. He said he loved me, and we would no longer be kept apart and in just a few more days he would be free to spend time with me and we would be a 'proper couple' with no more lying.

 

He texted me as usual while he was away Tuesday evening to say goodnight and that he loved me. Nothing since.

 

His phone has not been switched back on. He is not replying to emails. I have his home address and landline but wouldn't use them, although it is tempting.

 

I see a long and happy future with this guy, but the problem with moving out - for him - is the total change. He has NEVER made a decision and then acted on it. He is a drifter and life just carries him, and mostly his wife makes all the decisions. This is such an enormous change for him he is almost paralysed with fear. He views change very negatively, always has, and he is quite a solitary person so the marriage being lacking didn't bother him overly, I am the first person he's wanted to spend lots of time with, and misses etc. But he's so scared of that amount of change in one go. The silly part is, he has done almost all of the hard stuff; he's told his wife, he's found a place to live, I don't understand why - at this very late stage - he's not in touch with me and assuming the whole thing's off. I have cried for 4 days solid, barely slept or eaten. He promised me so many times that he WOULD without a doubt move out.

 

I am thinking about calling him at work tomorrow. I think I am owed an explanation. Even if I am not, I want it. I have been so reasonable, and patient, I want him to have to tell me what changed and I want him to have to tell me it's over. I want an ending. I honestly thought he was the love of my life. We have holiday plans and so much we were looking forward to.

 

I am scared that if I see him (my preference is to drive and se ehim and talk face to face) that there will be lots of crying, he may just say what he thinks I want to hear, and I'll be back in the same place. I am so scared you will all tell me there is no future and I am crazy for thinking there was, but really, for my Mr Cautious and Careful to put a deposit down for accomodation, and tell his wife... I thought we were home dry and now I am more depressed than I ever remember being.

 

Thanks for any feedback. Please be a little gentle?!! :-)

[jthorne]

Hi Silly,

Welcome to LS.

I was going to write out a longer post, pointing out some things about your MM, but I'm not sure you are ready to hear them right now. Your situation is very much like many of the situations here on LS.

 

I'm sure you'd like to hear differently, but I imagine the reason he's cut off contact with you is because he hasn't moved out. It's possible he never intended to.

 

You said your MM lets life carry him- that means he does whatever to not accept responsibility for his life and his decisions. It's very likely he will not accept any responsibility for this one, either.

 

I know you think you love him, but you really need to ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone like this.

[crazycatlady]

Hello all, looking for some perspective as am in a very bad place at the moment...

 

I'm 32 yrs old, met a man online on a chat and flirt type site. That was 7 months ago. He told me he was married, no sex life, no real bond. His wife had left him for another man and moved out, but after she was dumped (though still has dinner weekly with this man who has a wife and family) she asked to come back to the marital home and he allowed her to. They have a relationship akin to an elderly couple. Companionship and rarely any contact. No children. Been together 12 years and mostly lead quite independent lives, never socialise together for example. Apparently their conversations are fairly practical and superficial and they don't discuss feelings or issues, they go quiet and distant.

 

I stopped contact with him twice in the first couple of months because I felt a really strong connection to him and his being married really played on my mind. But I relented and we continued contact. It's a 2 hour journey for him to get to me and he stays on average every other weekend and sometimes a week night. We fell in love. Or it feels like love to me. In fact, it's almost 'too good'. I call it movie-love. We've become best friends and have a very affectionate and sexual relationship, as well as being able to talk goals and ambitions and deepest fears, and work and families and politics. It feels like the relationship I have always wanted. I can be totally myself. He is kind and funny and articulate and cute and everything I could ask for, both for me, and for my son who lives with me.

 

In February I told him my feelings were too strong to continue as a mistress, and he said he wanted us to be together properly. i.e. he would leave his wife. He stated his choice was not to tell his wife about me, because things were messy when his wife was involved with someone and he said he felt it would make for a cleaner break if there was no affair. He and her have discussed him meeting someone when he moves out and she wants him to stay and has made more effort than she has since they were married. All bad for me. But I thought it was fine, he had a moving date and she knew he was hoping to find someone he could have more of a conventional relationship with.

 

His move got delayed (no surprise eh?!), and we 'ended' things (just for a week!) last month because I was so frustrated and upset. He and I barely function when we aren't in touch. It's like a total depression. And there are tears on the phone when we make contact and everything just feels so right when we are 'back on track' whatever that is. He has found a room to move in to and paid a deposit and the date he was intending to move was 1st June (tomorrow!).

 

Last weekend (9 days ago, not weekend just gone) he was with me, but had a 3 day trip with his wife to go on during last week. It was a present that was purchased before we got serious and he didn't see a reason not to go. He held me on Sunday and told me everything would be okay. He said he loved me, and we would no longer be kept apart and in just a few more days he would be free to spend time with me and we would be a 'proper couple' with no more lying.

 

He texted me as usual while he was away Tuesday evening to say goodnight and that he loved me. Nothing since.

 

His phone has not been switched back on. He is not replying to emails. I have his home address and landline but wouldn't use them, although it is tempting.

 

I see a long and happy future with this guy, but the problem with moving out - for him - is the total change. He has NEVER made a decision and then acted on it. He is a drifter and life just carries him, and mostly his wife makes all the decisions. This is such an enormous change for him he is almost paralysed with fear. He views change very negatively, always has, and he is quite a solitary person so the marriage being lacking didn't bother him overly, I am the first person he's wanted to spend lots of time with, and misses etc. But he's so scared of that amount of change in one go. The silly part is, he has done almost all of the hard stuff; he's told his wife, he's found a place to live, I don't understand why - at this very late stage - he's not in touch with me and assuming the whole thing's off. I have cried for 4 days solid, barely slept or eaten. He promised me so many times that he WOULD without a doubt move out.

 

I am thinking about calling him at work tomorrow. I think I am owed an explanation. Even if I am not, I want it. I have been so reasonable, and patient, I want him to have to tell me what changed and I want him to have to tell me it's over. I want an ending. I honestly thought he was the love of my life. We have holiday plans and so much we were looking forward to.

 

I am scared that if I see him (my preference is to drive and se ehim and talk face to face) that there will be lots of crying, he may just say what he thinks I want to hear, and I'll be back in the same place. I am so scared you will all tell me there is no future and I am crazy for thinking there was, but really, for my Mr Cautious and Careful to put a deposit down for accomodation, and tell his wife... I thought we were home dry and now I am more depressed than I ever remember being.

 

Thanks for any feedback. Please be a little gentle?!! :-)

 

This is the exact reason why I feel the MM/MW owes their AP something at the end of the affair. If my H did this to his AP (which he didn't) I would have actually been mad at him as opposed to just really hurt by him.

 

No its not right what the WS does to the BS. But that doesn't make just up and never speaking to the Affair Partner again right either.

 

SG (I can't bring myself to call you silly girl you deserve more respect then that, unless you meant it as a joke then ok) I'm sorry, I don't think he's moving. And even if he does get back in contact with you,....I'm not sure I would trust it have this episode. Sometimes gone is the only answer a AP ever gets.

 

CCL

[BB07]

Welcome to LS silly girl, jthorne had some wise words for you.

 

Your MM sounds cowardly and wishy washy, do you really want a man like that in your life for the long term?

 

I wonder if this little vacation with his wife is a last ditch effort for a reconciliation with her, what do you think?

 

If I were you, I would not contact him to ask him why he cut you off, just accept that he did it on purpose and its a ****ty thing to do to someone that he is claiming to love and wants to be with, now isn't it?

 

He will contact you again and from what you've described about his wishy washy behavior and his lack of being able to make a decision you are in for a long roller coaster ride......IF you allow it. My advice is don't let yourself get sucked into it any more than you already are, make him do the work to come to you. IF he really means what he says, he will do it....but only if you put a stop to enabling him to go back and forth between you and her.

[SavannahSmiles]

Hello all, looking for some perspective as am in a very bad place at the moment...

 

 

 

 

I see a long and happy future with this guy, but the problem with moving out - for him - is the total change. He has NEVER made a decision and then acted on it. He is a drifter and life just carries him, and mostly his wife makes all the decisions. This is such an enormous change for him he is almost paralysed with fear. He views change very negatively, always has, and he is quite a solitary person so the marriage being lacking didn't bother him overly, I am the first person he's wanted to spend lots of time with, and misses etc. But he's so scared of that amount of change in one go. The silly part is, he has done almost all of the hard stuff; he's told his wife, he's found a place to live, I don't understand why - at this very late stage - he's not in touch with me and assuming the whole thing's off. I have cried for 4 days solid, barely slept or eaten. He promised me so many times that he WOULD without a doubt move out.

 

 

As respectfully as possible, this part sounds like you are making excuses for him. I've been there, done that so I see the signs. When someone does something unexpected we try to make sense of it by rationalizing why. I wonder, without assuming you don't know, how much of this is actually true or how much is what he wants you to believe about him? "He's a drifter and life just carries him?" What does that mean? If that were so, he'd be drifting over to you now, not ignoring you. Something is wrong and does not add up. I think, as wonderful as he seems, he may have pulled some wool over your eyes. Either that or he's a chicken. Either way, not a real winner IMO.

[LucreziaBorgia]

This is the part where you turn and walk away. I doubt much - if anything - he told you about his marriage was true.

[Silly_Girl]

Hi Silly,

Welcome to LS.

I was going to write out a longer post, pointing out some things about your MM, but I'm not sure you are ready to hear them right now. Your situation is very much like many of the situations here on LS.

 

I'm sure you'd like to hear differently, but I imagine the reason he's cut off contact with you is because he hasn't moved out. It's possible he never intended to.

 

You said your MM lets life carry him- that means he does whatever to not accept responsibility for his life and his decisions. It's very likely he will not accept any responsibility for this one, either.

 

I know you think you love him, but you really need to ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone like this.

 

Thanks for the welcome. I am sure there's lots that people with experience of this can tell me and I appreciate you being gentle.

 

He's not even due to move out until this coming weekend but I assume there's been some attempt at reconciliation or something. His wife is able to make him feel very guilty about the tiniest things and he says she's not in charge but it certainly feels that way. You're right, it seems unlikely he would stop all contact if he intended us to have the future he said we would. Christ, I'm such a cliche!!!

[Silly_Girl]

This is the exact reason why I feel the MM/MW owes their AP something at the end of the affair. If my H did this to his AP (which he didn't) I would have actually been mad at him as opposed to just really hurt by him.

 

No its not right what the WS does to the BS. But that doesn't make just up and never speaking to the Affair Partner again right either.

 

SG (I can't bring myself to call you silly girl you deserve more respect then that, unless you meant it as a joke then ok) I'm sorry, I don't think he's moving. And even if he does get back in contact with you,....I'm not sure I would trust it have this episode. Sometimes gone is the only answer a AP ever gets.

 

CCL

 

 

I do feel I am owed answers, buyt some of that may be due to the incredibly emotional state I am in right now. Stomach churning, can't eat, cry at the slightest thing. Maybe if I was offering advice to someone else I would have a different view. But I do want him to have to feel uncomfortable and awkward and have to answer me. The promises he made... I don't think he should be able to just shut down and act like I didn't exist.

 

As for Silly Girl, yes, I do feel very silly now. It didn't feel silly, it felt beautiful and magical and what i assume will happen now is as I unfold things in my head it will be clear to me that it was never as I thought. I'll probably spot loads of red flags and wonder why on earth I didn't see this coming and how I ever let myself get so carried away.

 

I've had a 6 year relationship and an 8 yr one, and what I THOUGHT I had with this man just blew those right out of the water. Sorry to be cheesey but it felt like 'coming home'. It felt like everything I'd been waiting for. Such a powerful connection. So much fun and happy times, and talking and sharing and just being together. So I thought that no matter what, we were meant to be together. I wasn't looking for signs that he was more attached to his home set-up - and his wife - than it seemed. So I feel very foolish and embarassed and disappointed in myself.

[Silly_Girl]

Welcome to LS silly girl, jthorne had some wise words for you.

 

Your MM sounds cowardly and wishy washy, do you really want a man like that in your life for the long term?

 

I wonder if this little vacation with his wife is a last ditch effort for a reconciliation with her, what do you think?

 

If I were you, I would not contact him to ask him why he cut you off, just accept that he did it on purpose and its a ****ty thing to do to someone that he is claiming to love and wants to be with, now isn't it?

 

He will contact you again and from what you've described about his wishy washy behavior and his lack of being able to make a decision you are in for a long roller coaster ride......IF you allow it. My advice is don't let yourself get sucked into it any more than you already are, make him do the work to come to you. IF he really means what he says, he will do it....but only if you put a stop to enabling him to go back and forth between you and her.

 

He DOES sound cowardly doesn't he?

Yes I guess he is. But the sensitive side of him, that one ruled by emotions and feelings, that's a big reason I fell for him. I am the same. So in a way I guess I accepted that this was the downside of the good stuff that existed everywhere else. But it doesn't make up for it.

 

I don't think the trip was a reconciliation thing, they go and watch this particular sport 2 or 3 times a year, but I know she was trying super-hard over recent weeks. He says he doesn't love her the way a husband should, but he does care for her, they have a friendship, and he finds it hard to upset her. She gave him a lot of earache about how cruel it was for him to leave her now, she's just turned 40, her dad died last year, etc etc. Thing is, she still sees the guy she left him for, and he accepts that. She says there's nothing in it but there seems to be no normal marriage rules with this couple. I have seen texts between them, and I know they barely communicate away from the dinner table or sofa. They each crave time away from the other person and never cuddle or kiss - I am told.

 

My head tells me this is for the best, that it would have taken him so long to get divorced, sort the house split etc, that it had disaster written all over it. But my heart really misses him and I'd do anything to see/talk to him right now. I am tempted to fake illness and leave work and drive to see him. The fact I have made it to work is a victory in itself I feel!!!!

 

I don't understand why we booked to go away, how we made all the plans we made. He came to my sister's wedding, met all my family, sorted a place to live. I HAVE to believe that he was at least intending to move, don't I? I can't surely think the whole thing was a rouse just to get a bunk-up now and then? Even if he's changed his mind now, I think I need to believe it was real and I'm not the victim of some cold-hearted con-man....

[Silly_Girl]

As respectfully as possible, this part sounds like you are making excuses for him. I've been there, done that so I see the signs. When someone does something unexpected we try to make sense of it by rationalizing why. I wonder, without assuming you don't know, how much of this is actually true or how much is what he wants you to believe about him? "He's a drifter and life just carries him?" What does that mean? If that were so, he'd be drifting over to you now, not ignoring you. Something is wrong and does not add up. I think, as wonderful as he seems, he may have pulled some wool over your eyes. Either that or he's a chicken. Either way, not a real winner IMO.

 

Actually, I did that in my last relationship. My being 'understanding and tolerant' was actually me making excuses for unacceptable behaviour. Yes, total chicken. And even were we to be together properly, if he can do this now I just risk him pulling away from me again I guess. And the biggest draw for me was the communication and openness. if that's gone then I am going to go back to being suspicious and neurotic like I was in my last relationship. and then I've not moved on at all. How sad.

[pureinheart]

I don't have too much to add...just welcome and great big hugs (((( )))))

[Silly_Girl]

I don't have too much to add...just welcome and great big hugs (((( )))))

 

It's very appreciated. Thank you. I am a bit of a wreck. Not sure how I got through the weekend and now am just at my desk, staring at my screen, trembling and feeling sick. No one should ever feel this way in a relationship. I'm starting to hate MYSELF as well as him.

 

I suspect anger is a good sign.

[silverplanets]

It's very appreciated. Thank you. I am a bit of a wreck. Not sure how I got through the weekend and now am just at my desk, staring at my screen, trembling and feeling sick. No one should ever feel this way in a relationship. I'm starting to hate MYSELF as well as him.

 

I suspect anger is a good sign.

 

Hi SG,

 

Anger is a great sign .. so is frustration .. so is a sense of indignation, so (hard to believe) is the sense of trembling and feeling sick ...

 

All this means you're alive and that little inside you is screaming "foul" !!!

 

However you did get through the weekend, the important thing is that you DID get through it.

 

And you know what ... you can get through today, tomorrow and the day after .... you can even get through the first week ...

 

How doesn't matter .. spend money, keep busy, cry, break things, bore friends, let it all wash over you, but just keep getting up each day and it WILL slowly get easier.

 

You've let your life get sucked into someone else's drama ... and now you need to find your way back out of that and back into your own life ...

 

You're a decent person and like all of us you feel a pull to help him/her .. however it's not your job , it really isn't.

 

Right now, you need help more than him. And he isn't going to help you, so you will have to do it yourself.

 

Sucks, yes of course,

hurts, sure bet it does

Makes you mad ... mad as hell ...

 

But at the end of it you will realise that you are only really mad at yourself for letting it get to this situation ...

 

and then one day soon you will even let go of feeling mad at that ..

 

Go for it ... find YOU again ... when you do then you won't have any room for someone who doesnt' value you 110% :):)

[Silly_Girl]

Hi SG,

 

Anger is a great sign .. so is frustration .. so is a sense of indignation, so (hard to believe) is the sense of trembling and feeling sick ...

 

All this means you're alive and that little inside you is screaming "foul" !!!

 

However you did get through the weekend, the important thing is that you DID get through it.

 

And you know what ... you can get through today, tomorrow and the day after .... you can even get through the first week ...

 

How doesn't matter .. spend money, keep busy, cry, break things, bore friends, let it all wash over you, but just keep getting up each day and it WILL slowly get easier.

 

You've let your life get sucked into someone else's drama ... and now you need to find your way back out of that and back into your own life ...

 

You're a decent person and like all of us you feel a pull to help him/her .. however it's not your job , it really isn't.

 

Right now, you need help more than him. And he isn't going to help you, so you will have to do it yourself.

 

Sucks, yes of course,

hurts, sure bet it does

Makes you mad ... mad as hell ...

 

But at the end of it you will realise that you are only really mad at yourself for letting it get to this situation ...

 

and then one day soon you will even let go of feeling mad at that ..

 

Go for it ... find YOU again ... when you do then you won't have any room for someone who doesnt' value you 110% :):)

 

Such good advice. A year ago I escaped an abusive relationship. I felt amazing and in control and so confident and fufilled. And yet here I am trying to telephone a man who has lied to me and betrayed me (in my view) and clearly doesn't care a fig about me. But still I call his office. I hate myself for being like this. I want an End. But there's no reason for that, because it won't change anything. He's told me enough by not contacting me for seven days.

[Pink_orchid]

Welcome SG and well done for getting to work today. It must have been hard for you. I remember crying at work after mine ended; someone was trying to explain something complicated to me which I needed to take in, and I just couldn't focus, and the tears came flooding, in front of my colleagues and everything and I had to just rush to the ladies room. Not nice, very embarrasing, although my colleagues were fine about it, it felt horrible. So keep strong, keep writing on here if it helps.

 

Sorry for your situation. I am afraid that many of these men just run when it gets too 'real', despite all the feelings they have had for you, when push comes to shove, it seems quite common for the other woman to be just cut off dead. It's an absolutely awful way to treat someone you have had a relationship with. He can't be feeling good about it deep down, he knows he's behaved badly, he knows he's hurt you. I wouldn't contact him, let him come to you, as you say, you KNOW that you shouldn't be contacting him after this treatment but the urge to make him face the music is strong I know. But try and let him stew, let him think he's lost you, that will make his real feelings come to the surface in the end. Big red flag that he wanted to go away with his wife... anyone on the verge of splitting up does not want to do that... like you say he's a bit of a coward by the sound of it... he could have said he wasn't going.

 

I don't know, over and over again this happens, I am so sorry for your pain, it's no consolation, but it's happened to me and it's happened to a lot of us on here.

 

Try and take one day at a time, I think you'll be okay, he might even come back after his wobbly and be sorry (again, happens a lot), just stick to your guns - if he hasn't left, keep away from him, and even if he has left, be careful.

 

What are you going to do ((don't phone him!!))?

[Silly_Girl]

Welcome SG and well done for getting to work today. It must have been hard for you. I remember crying at work after mine ended; someone was trying to explain something complicated to me which I needed to take in, and I just couldn't focus, and the tears came flooding, in front of my colleagues and everything and I had to just rush to the ladies room. Not nice, very embarrasing, although my colleagues were fine about it, it felt horrible. So keep strong, keep writing on here if it helps.

 

Sorry for your situation. I am afraid that many of these men just run when it gets too 'real', despite all the feelings they have had for you, when push comes to shove, it seems quite common for the other woman to be just cut off dead. It's an absolutely awful way to treat someone you have had a relationship with. He can't be feeling good about it deep down, he knows he's behaved badly, he knows he's hurt you. I wouldn't contact him, let him come to you, as you say, you KNOW that you shouldn't be contacting him after this treatment but the urge to make him face the music is strong I know. But try and let him stew, let him think he's lost you, that will make his real feelings come to the surface in the end. Big red flag that he wanted to go away with his wife... anyone on the verge of splitting up does not want to do that... like you say he's a bit of a coward by the sound of it... he could have said he wasn't going.

 

I don't know, over and over again this happens, I am so sorry for your pain, it's no consolation, but it's happened to me and it's happened to a lot of us on here.

 

Try and take one day at a time, I think you'll be okay, he might even come back after his wobbly and be sorry (again, happens a lot), just stick to your guns - if he hasn't left, keep away from him, and even if he has left, be careful.

 

What are you going to do ((don't phone him!!))?

 

Thank you! I am so grateful that people are being kind. I know the kick up the backside is on its way, and I am trying hard to administer that myself. By reading on here and by not contacting his wife and by staying away when I could turn up there and put him on the spot. By working and functioning. I even did some laundry yesterday, and played a little golf with my son... And I've stayed off the wine and usually that's how I deal with not being able to sleep.

 

I've burst in to tears several times this morning, but managed to keep it under control and away from other people. The person I used to turn to when I was upset isn't there, and that makes it doubly hard, obviously. And the thought that he may be suffering too just makes me want to be there for him - how utterly stupid.

 

I guess my urge to contact him is because if we don't get in touch, I know it's over. And I guess I still don't want it to be. He IS that much of a coward. he would just bury himself in his golf and his job and being a dutiful (if miserable) husband. His wife will get what she wants (to not have to go through the stigma of a split), and he just goes along with things. Which must be what he wants, in his life, to have allowed this to have come about, but I'm just not seeing it. I'm letting myself view him as some sort of victim, and I ought not.

 

I understood it was difficult for him. We live 100 miles apart so a future meant a big change for him, eventually changing his job of 10 years, as well as his marriage of 10 years, the house, the routines, the normality. But he was adamant it was worth it.

 

If I am REALLY honest, I guess some of it is being rejected. No one wants to be rejected and I don't like that I have no control over this. He always promised me that if he ever changed his mind he'd tell me, not let me guess or stew. I want the chance to speak to him too. I don't want to hate him, everything about our relation was (WAS!) calm and caring and warm and we always showed show much care for each other. To go to this frustrates me and confuses me. I want to be able to say goodbye. Does that seem silly? Oh gawd, lots of tears again now!

 

Would I feel better if I got the closure? Would I start to accept it's over? Could I then mourn and start getting over it instead of wondering, all the time, what's happened, why things have changed, whether he'll contact me today/tomorrow/ever... etc etc.

 

The urge to go and see him is enormous. And to lash out and cause him hurt, that's there too. But it's not something I would look back on and be comfortable with. I drove a 6 hour round trip Saturday to go where I thought he'd be. That's a bit worrying. That's stalker-ish!

 

This is helping. Posting is helping. I feel less embarrassed and awkward posting here than talking to my friends - who are lovely but protective and angry on my behalf and that's not really what I need right now.

[Silly_Girl]

How crap am I? I rang his work, one of his guys said 'It doesn't look like he's going to be in today'. In other words, to my mind, he's a wreck.

 

In April I told him not to contact me, told him I'd had enough and there was no point any more. He hadn't found somewhere to move to etc etc, even though he did show me emails etc he was sending. I said he wasn't trying hard enough. I cut contact, then regretted it. He didn't switch his phone on for a week and was off work for 5 days 'ill', which basically meant he couldn't function and was heartbroken.

 

I called him at work once he was back (bad move, I know), and he was in tears as soon as he heard my voice. Said he'd kept his phone off, not even logged in to his emails, was scared of what I'd say and how much he'd hurt me. Couldn't face knowing he'd done that to me. The next day he texted to say he'd found a room and would definitely be moving out. The day after that he came to see me and stayed over and apologised and completely convinced me that it was me he wanted to be with.

 

A few weeks later and we appear to be here again. I shouldn't have contacted him. He has about ten text messages waiting on for when (if) he turns his phone on (half were normal ones, before I realised we'd hit a wall), and an email to his work saying roughly: 'I'll call you at home or work if that's what it takes to get you to face this - let's just get it over and done with'.

 

I need to stop obsessing. I need to stop wondering what he's doing and how he could do this and why he's done it.

 

I'm assuming he's in a bad way, if he and her were reconciled properly (apparently never going to happen) he'd be fine and he'd be at work, happy as Larry. And the sad bit is, I like the idea he's suffering. He's a small guy and he lost half a stone in a week last time, couldn't eat, just slept and slept and slept. But still, he was happy to leave his phone off and not get in touch with me. I can't understand this. It's nothing like I would ever behave or could ever treat someone.

 

I do believe he is probably heartbroken. I do believe he had it bad for me. I saw his tears when we parted, his excitement to see me, the efforts he made to get time off work and away from his wife. He thought I was some sort of goddess, he'd never had affection like we had, and certainly not a sex life like we had. He said he'd never had a best friend, and told me things he'd never told anyone. But I suppose I have to accept that although I will never understand his reasons, he has decided that it is better/easier for him to stay in his marriage. He obviously finds it easier to hurt me and lose me, than he does to hurt and lose his wife.

 

We'd talked about moving away together, maybe having babies, he was taking me away to meet his parents and siblings in August, I imagined myself growing old with him, so it's pretty hard to accept. I guess it'll take a lot of time. I wonder how long before I stop wishing he'd get in touch and work a miracle and make everything right between us...?

[BB07]

It's really hard to let go SG.....I know, been there, done that, but you have to for you.

 

You don't know my backstory but I'm with my former MM, but it took years for us to get to this point. I had to walk away and let him do what he had to do without any interference from me. He did leave the marriage but it took about 3 years after I walked, but it was better that way for lots of reasons. I wasn't the reason he left, which makes it a whole lot easier for all concerned to deal with.

 

Hang in there.........and hugs.......

[2sure]

I'm 32 yrs old, met a man online on a chat and flirt type site. That was 7 months ago. All you know about this man is what he has TOLD you, you havent seen anything, have not participated in anything but conversation.

 

...she asked to come back to the marital home and he allowed her to.

He allowed her back? Sounds to me like a man making decisions.

 

 

Last weekend (9 days ago, not weekend just gone) he was with me, but had a 3 day trip with his wife to go on during last week. It was a present that was purchased before we got serious and he didn't see a reason not to go.

 

Really. He told you he has told his wife he was leaving and told you he had secured a new home...but between them they decided there was no good reason to not go away together for a long weekend?

 

He has NEVER made a decision and then acted on it. He is a drifter and life just carries him, and mostly his wife makes all the decisions.

 

He IS making decisions and he IS acting on them. What you see is what there is...the words not matching should not be confusing to you. He is showing you.

[Silly_Girl]

I'm 32 yrs old, met a man online on a chat and flirt type site. That was 7 months ago. All you know about this man is what he has TOLD you, you havent seen anything, have not participated in anything but conversation.

 

...she asked to come back to the marital home and he allowed her to.

He allowed her back? Sounds to me like a man making decisions.

 

 

Last weekend (9 days ago, not weekend just gone) he was with me, but had a 3 day trip with his wife to go on during last week. It was a present that was purchased before we got serious and he didn't see a reason not to go.

 

Really. He told you he has told his wife he was leaving and told you he had secured a new home...but between them they decided there was no good reason to not go away together for a long weekend?

 

He has NEVER made a decision and then acted on it. He is a drifter and life just carries him, and mostly his wife makes all the decisions.

 

He IS making decisions and he IS acting on them. What you see is what there is...the words not matching should not be confusing to you. He is showing you.

 

I have seen texts between him and his wife, and him and his mum, but you're right, most of it is what I've been told.

 

He had asked his wife to come back so when her new relationship broke down he was relieved. This was long before me.

 

The trip was a birthday present that pre-dates anything to do with me. And I can understand this (sort of) as I had concert tickets and my ex-husband and I still went, we remained friends. I don't like it from my point of view but he has chosen to not tell her about us until he's moved out so rather than it being odd that he went, it would have been odd had he not. their relationship is not acrimonious, they (I am TOLD!) live like brother and sister. I can verify some of what he has told me about their jobs and where they met and their respective hobbies from websites and things, and know that what he tells me about the time they have traditionally spent apart is true. There's nothing he's told me about them that has been contradicted by anything. That doesn't mean I am closed to the idea he might be lying, just that nothing has proved him a liar in that way.

 

Your last point is true. That is what I have been thinking. Having no contact, for any reason (though he does lose his phone several times a month!) demonstrates a decision, albeit perhaps the wrong one in my view. And I think it's cowardly, but yes, in there IS a message. I'm trying to accept it as it is such a total contrast to so much else that has gone before.

[lovingagain]

You are not on your own SG, we OW have all been there. Going out of our minds, wondering what happened, when are you going to hear from them again.

Just last year my MM stood me up a few times, left me wondering. I, like you, could not live without knowing wtf was wrong so I called him right away. I let him know right from GO that I would not be ignored. I was prepared for whatever answer I got but would not be left wondering. I even called him when his w was there one time and gave him hell. Like your MM he is totally split between what he wants and what he should do. Just recently, he said it was killing him.

We all go through these rollercoaster times with out relationship, sometimes it is incredible, sometimes it is really horrible. It all depends on when you want to get off that RC or if you want to get off, but be prepared for a bumpy ride and as has been said manytimes here, they always always come back when they have gone so far as to love you. But be prepared also for him to be sick with stress and guilt, which is sounds like he is. Whether you get to move forward when they do come back, is the question- most of us are just stuck seeing each other when we can. But I was really amazed at how I could see into the future by coming on LS.

[Silly_Girl]

You are not on your own SG, we OW have all been there. Going out of our minds, wondering what happened, when are you going to hear from them again.

Just last year my MM stood me up a few times, left me wondering. I, like you, could not live without knowing wtf was wrong so I called him right away. I let him know right from GO that I would not be ignored. I was prepared for whatever answer I got but would not be left wondering. I even called him when his w was there one time and gave him hell. Like your MM he is totally split between what he wants and what he should do. Just recently, he said it was killing him.

We all go through these rollercoaster times with out relationship, sometimes it is incredible, sometimes it is really horrible. It all depends on when you want to get off that RC or if you want to get off, but be prepared for a bumpy ride and as has been said manytimes here, they always always come back when they have gone so far as to love you. But be prepared also for him to be sick with stress and guilt, which is sounds like he is. Whether you get to move forward when they do come back, is the question- most of us are just stuck seeing each other when we can. But I was really amazed at how I could see into the future by coming on LS.

 

Thank you. Do you mind if I ask what the reason was that he stopped contact? And did his wife know about you?

 

With my MM his wife came back, and now he's talked about leaving her she says he wasted 2 years of her life by having her back, just to leave her. They agreed (SHE agreed) to a life without sex and he's using that as one of the reasons for leaving, that they don't have a sex life. She has made him feel hugely guilty (I can see her point but think she's a bit of a hypocrite). Also, his wife got a lot of backlash from the betrayed wife in her own situation and he says he doesn't want any of that stuff. He wants to make a clean break so has just continued as though everything is almost normal. He just plays a lot more golf than he did. It appears actually, that their relationship is better because he's happier in himself. Things improved after I was on the scene. I suspect that's typical but am only guessing, not having been here before.

[Silly_Girl]

He emailed me, and this is the abridged version:

 

1. You’ve been unbelievably patient. I have been trying all afternoon to write something and can't find the words.

2. I am so sorry for the way I behave towards you honey, time after time. I scare and repulse myself that I can shut myself away when you ask for answers. It's not that I don't care, I’ve just been totally paralysed with indecision, and every day that passes the worse it gets.

3. I am finding it hard to let go of what I have with [wife]. That is what stops me making a 100% commitment to us. I’ve thought about it a lot. It’s not just guilt. I don’t think, deep down, I want to leave my marriage.

4. I need to be sure, absolutely 100% positive in my own mind that me are [wife] are over, before I can be honest with you and say it’s [me] and [you], forever. So many times already I’ve made promises and broken them, and seen how much hurt it causes you. I don’t want to do that. When I say it, I want to mean it, and commit to it.

5. While I have even the smallest residual feelings for [wife] I find this hard. When I move out, things will be better.

6. I don't know how much longer I can go on. It is bringing out the worst in me and I am ill with worry, and worst of all, so are you.

7. [Lots of compliments and loving things.]

8. But I know that not having you in my life is just too difficult to contemplate. Not having the wonderful happy loving times we have is, well, not right. I truly believe we belong together.

 

 

I have replied, but I'd love your feedback if possible, even though I think it's going to HURT!!!!

[LucreziaBorgia]

don’t think, deep down, I want to leave my marriage.

 

This is the only part of it you should pay attention to. The rest is just blah, blah, blah, blah designed to keep you from going anywhere.

 

That was his move. He's staying married. Its your move now...

[Silly_Girl]

That's what I think. That's why I've been crying all evening.

 

I emailed him and told him I deserved better and am not prepared to carry on. In fact I am so angry (and - naively - shocked) that his message seemed to be basically 'Nothing is changing, I still want you both'. I can't understand why he says he is moving out still. Makes no sense to me.

 

I told him I loved him and missed him, but his behaviour stinks. It's not fair on her (who knows nothing about me) and not fair on me. Said if he finds himself free to have a REAL relationship, to email me, but otherwise to stay away.

 

Now comes the hard part I guess. I am hoping that the week we have had with no contact will help. I remember when an hour without a text felt odd, now I wake up in the morning with half an understanding I won't hear from him that day. That must be progress.

 

I hope he is miserable with her. I hope he continues to feel ill and miss me like mad. I feel so cheated and angry, but a little bit of me is relieved. It was hard to plan weekends, I was never sure what was happening, I missed him when he crashed out on the sofa and didn't text goodnight. And now I know where I stand.

 

The loss I mourn is what he promised it would be like, from 1st June. He said once he moved out we would be free to have lots of time together etc etc. But it wasn't like that so far, 6 nights a month approximately, so it's not as though I am used to him being in bed every night, or eat breakfast together every morning. But even so, I miss the texts and the emails and the calls. And I wish he'd knock on my door right now and kiss me goodnight.

 

I obviously didn't mean all that much to him in the end. I opened up to him more than anyone in my life, more than to my friends and family. I hope I don't regret that or become too guarded, I hope I can learn to trust again.

 

Now I will probably be asking for help to keep away from him. To stay strong when all I want to do (not today but it will come) is contact him and offer any amount of contact or compromise just to spend time with him. So silly.