And the cycle repeats

[marsbars]

As the title says it I have been through this once before with my W. But I think that this time it is for real.

Last time, we separated and filed for divorce. Lawyered up and fought like starving dogs over the last scrap of food. She wanted the child and I wasn't going to walk away from that. I ended up winning in the court. She didn't like that. But I wasn't ready to put an end to a 12 year marriage. And after some months she came to the same conclusion. We reconciled and were happy for 3 more years.

Flash forward to the future, and here I am again, alone and headed for divorce. The lawyer has been paid, the court fees paid. Just waiting for the petition to be recorded.

Things went really well for more than a year, it was like being newlyweds. Then we claimed bankruptcy and things were still good, if not better. Other than her quitting her job to go back to school. So I supported the family for 9 months while she did school. But in the process we lost the house to the back. Not a tragic loss, we didn't really want it and couldn't possibly sell it for what we owed.

So we moved in with her parents to get a new start. Big mistake. I won't go into that part. But I am sure all of you can guess.

Things were rough with the inlaws, for me anyway,but not horrible for our relationship. But that is when the depression started for me, deep painful depression. So I did the right thing and got some meds to help. And help they did. But I think the damage was done. We didn't do things anymore. She would rather spend the weekends shopping with her mom then going out and doing anything with me. So I kept myself occupied with hobbies and visiting with my mother. So then came the accusations of what I did with 6 hours.

Was there another woman? Absolutly not. Never in 15 years. At least not in that way. But I did start talking to a woman that I met when we separated the last time. But she is strictly a friend that I used as a sounding board. She was someone that knew me pretty well from online chats and a few outings with friends. I don't constitute that as cheating. But none the less the wife stopped talking to me, spent all of her time in another room with her parents. No physical affection whatsoever. Couldn't even get a hug out of her. Finally I said that I had enough and found my own place, and told her I was leaving. She was in agreement and we told our daughter. The next Saturday I packed my humble possesions and moved into a place a couple of miles away. I didn't want a divorce and still am really on the fence with it. But I have come to the realization that her mind is made up and she will believe what she wants to. So in that I almost welcome the split. But why is it that I can't get her out of my head. She has pretty much gone NC on me so that isn't a factor. I don't like it cause we aren't communicating about our daughter. I don't email or text her. I only call her phone so that I can talk to the kiddo. And even that has become and issue. We agreed that I would call at a set time each night. At first she honored that agreement. Now a month in I call and then wait around for an hour or more till my daughter calls.

So in essence I have gone NC with her. I thought that would be the best for me too. I have gotten into a new routine of taking care of ME. Started working out daily to work on 15 years of added ME. But every night I lay in bed missing her and resenting her at the same time. It has gotten easier each day. I have a support network of a few friends. But as soon as I feel like I have made a lot of progress, my daughter spends the weekend. The weekend is wonderful, I miss her all week. We have fun. Then her mother picks her up and I take a giant leap backwards. For days I am blue. I can't get her out of my head or heart. I don't think it is the short contact when she picks her up. It is more like the time with our daughter that starts the pain over. Will it ever get easier? I mean I am the one that walked out, essentially ending the relationship. It was my choice. Why is it so hard.

Edited June 1, 2010 by marsbars
Added thoughts

[You Go Girl]

Your lonely, and when your daughter leaves, the silence within your place makes you realize it all the more. It's normal to be lonely sometimes when you live alone.

You need social contact immediately after your daughter leaves, so that you stop the cycle of the blues coming on right at that moment. Plan something, anything, for right after your daughter leaves on Sunday evenings. Even chat, if that's your only possible social contact since it's late on a Sunday.

As soon as your daughter leaves, play some of the happiest favorite music of yours LOUD.

Have plans for right after she leaves so that you aren't moping around. Even if those plans are just to do the laundry. SOMETHING. If it can be something you really enjoy, all the better.

What do you usually do at this point right after your daughter leaves? Examine it.