How do I get out of sharing an apartment with my boss?

[stillafool]

Do you have an HR dept at work, Sad? If so, I'd get this on record.

 

 

This is what I'm wondering. I'm surprised the company would allow such a thing.

[Trimmer]

I thought maybe this is a normal practice and I am being crazy.

First of all, it is absolutely not normal. Secondly, not only is it "not normal" but it is so far outside the norm as to be suspect.

 

It's important that you understand that this kind of accommodation sharing would be seen in any truly professional business context as abnormal, and inappropriate. You need to understand and truly believe that, because at this time, he is continuing to use your naivete and uncertainty to try to draw you into this arrangement, as seen here:

 

I stalled saying that we should look at other options first before we decide and he actually said "Yeah, have a look at other apartments, but don't look at separate hotel rooms"

He's parrying your responses, twisting and turning, trying to figure out how he can "sell" the idea to you because he thinks you aren't quite sure, and he may be able to convince you.

 

You need to be sure, and you need to give off a vibe that you are sure. As long as you approach this with a half-hearted "well... I'm not so sure..." attitude, he will take that as an opening to try to convince you that it's OK, like a high-school football player trying to do anything he can to get into a cheerleader's panties. You must be SURE, yourself, that this is not an acceptable or appropriate arrangement, and you must be confident that you are absolutely correct and entitled, and completely within the boundaries of appropriate professional behavior to decline, unequivocally.

 

At that point, if he understands you are firm in your convictions, then he will have a much harder time trying to "sell" the inapproriate arrangement to you.

 

To reinforce my points, listen to your own co-workers:

I asked around actually and a couple of my married male co-workers said that they never have and never would share an apartment with a female as it's just not appropriate. I even asked my boss if he has done this before (as in shared an apartment with a female on business trip) and he paused then said that no, he never had. So this is definetly not a normal practice.

They never have, and they never would. And neither should your boss. And neither will you. Period.

 

So go into it with that mindset - you know it's not right, and not professional, so there shouldn't be any vague "we should look at other options first" kind of thing. That statement leaves so many openings for further negotiation: "first" implies that you might be willing to come back to this option later, and "other options" implies maybe other options similar to this one. All of this is too loose.

 

It needs to be something along the lines of "we will need to figure out another option, because this one is not appropriate" (or "not acceptable," or something firm and non-negotiable like that.) No negotiating back to the same starting point from that one...

 

Now, I know you're worried about his power and good reputation acting against you:

I am worried Mary, EVERYBODY loves this guy at our company. He has had 2 promotions and all our main bosses gave speeches how he is pretty much the best thing since sliced bread. How intelligent, capable, fair, honorouble, family men he is etc etc...

 

Noone is going to beleive me that he is a complete sleaze. Plus, becouse of position of power he has women lining up just to be near him.

 

I am a nobody really. I will be completly shafted in a power play. That's why I have to be careful about this.

But perhaps can you actually use that to enhance your own power in this situation? Keep it very professional and on-the-level, but use that very reputation as leverage: "Mr. Boss-Man, you have a reputation in this company as being an example of professionalism and honor, and I think this arrangement might be viewed by some as being contrary to that image, so let's keep things by the book." Or something along those lines...

 

Now yes, you do have to be careful with that, because depending on how you word it, there's an implied threat in there... "if you continue pushing, you are being unprofessional" and depending on how he reacts to that, it could get a little weird.

 

But I think you have to be clear yourself and clear with him, that this is a boundary, it is an approprate boundary professionally, and one that you will stand firmly behind. You may need to put him on notice, and push it back at him a little bit to get him to stop trying to negotiate you into something else.

Edited June 4, 2010 by Trimmer

[SadandConfusedWA]

Trimmer,

 

Thanks for taking the time to write the long post, I appreciate it. I basically agree with everything you said and everyone's advice has helped me out of possibly bigger screw-ups of my life.

[Trimmer]

Trimmer,

 

Thanks for taking the time to write the long post, I appreciate it. I basically agree with everything you said and everyone's advice has helped me out of possibly bigger screw-ups of my life.

You're very welcome.

 

The other phrase that came to mind is: "... doesn't work for me..." as in "we'll have to work out other accommodations, because this doesn't work for me."

 

This may come across less accusatory and/or confrontational than "isn't appropriate" or "isn't acceptable." It kind of puts it back on you, but it says very clearly that you have a boundary that you won't cross.

 

Now, he could always come back with a "Why?" kind of question, if he doesn't get the message, in which case you are right back to explaining what should be obvious. Or if you're bold, you could just pile it back on him with something along the lines of "Seriously? You don't get that?" but that's back to the confrontational pushing back. You'll have to feel your way through that. If he's not giving up, you may have to push back harder...

[imani]

I had to first make sure I read this right. Ugh! Spray him with a can of Raid ... for the little roach that he is. What nerve!

 

And he seriously doesn't think any of the higher ups or other employees won't give him the "side eye" once they learn of his desired "accomodations" with you? Wow. Just wow.

 

Good of you to room with the other lady. But if he's doing all of this, I'm now concerned that he will try to make your work life a living hell since he won't be able to room with you. Men like that and in his position tend to believe their own "press" and probably won't take too kindly to being turned down. C.Y.A. and K.I.P. (keep it professional) at all times.

 

I still think I may have read this wrong because that is really ballsy of him. I've had bosses of the oposite sex who wouldn't even have their meetings behind closed doors because it could lead to false gossip. "Your" guy has balls the size of hot air balloons. Gah!

 

Great advice on this topic, by the way. LS is on a roll.

[Mary3]

Tell him you would rather eat live Red Ants dipped in Nepalm Death Hot Sauce then sleep in the same room with him...!

 

He's just ewwww !

[SadandConfusedWA]

Ugh guys, it has now been dealt with and resolved. I would rather not think about it anymore and move forward. If he gets nasty - I am going to start another thread about it

[Mary3]

Ugh guys, it has now been dealt with and resolved. I would rather not think about it anymore and move forward. If he gets nasty - I am going to start another thread about it

 

Oh, please do ! We care