What next

[What_Next]

I am new to this so I will try to be brief, but that will be kind of tough to paint an accurate picture. I'll try, so here goes. My partner and I (we are technically still married) have been together for most of our adult lives. We met while were still in high school and have been together for the most part since then. Flash forward 20 some years and we have an 11 year old daugther and my Mother is living with us.

 

Like most couples it seems we've had our ups and downs. We've been through deaths in the family, some really bad troubles with our siblings and a list of other issues to deal with. I've never strayed into the arms of another, not ever. She has not strayed physically that I know of but she has had a few what I now know are termed EA's. I suspect she might even be having one now.

 

For the past few years things have been getting worse, we both have been leading different lives, but under the same roof. We don't often fight as I grew up in a home where screaming matches were daily events. We did sometimes argue, but they generally went by without much issue. I would term it as we were coasting. Also as I have been learning not uncommon.

 

Through largely work related events I became more and more stressed to the point where I had some anger management issues. I would pretty easily go off the deep end in frustration but often not show it. Usually I would go off by myself and self medicate; often with alcohol. While I don't think I have an issue the drink, it is something I need to prevent from happening.

 

Anyway, we recently had an issue where I definitely lost my temper and things were said and things were thrown etc. I did what I have been apt to do lately and not deal with it right away. Well on a recent family trip my partner told me she wanted to get an apartment. I reacted like most I suppose, first in anger, then bargaining etc etc.

 

Hang in there, we are getting to the point where I can shut up . Upon returning home we came to the agreement that I need to get my things out of our bedroom and we need to give each other space. I agreed to that. When I laid our finances out for my partner (they are largely my domain) she I think realized that moving out is not going to be possible, at least for a while.

 

So; here I am. I have done a lot of reading, a lot of soul searching and stumped upon LS. I found "the 180" and I honestly feel it isn't the right path now. I feel if I follow it to the letter that the result will be worse than things are now. Also, I feel as though we BOTH have things we have to work on.

 

What I am asking is how do we co-exist under the same roof, how should I act? What should I avoid doing? Perhaps questions will need to be asked of me for the right path to become visible.

 

So, as my handle indicates, what next?

[You Go Girl]

Avoid anger, and any acting out. Be a rock. That doesn't mean inpenetrable, nor so distant that you appear not to care, but rather that you are steady; a thinking man.

Wise decisions are the way back to something worth saving.

Small gestures that you are paying attention, that you know what she likes, things that make her smile or laugh. The simple stuff that brought you together in the first place.

If she crosses your boundaries, say so, and calmly explain why.

[What_Next]

Thank you for taking the time to reply You Go Girl. I have "the 180" printed out and have been using it as my own personal bible for the past 48 hrs. Hey you have to start somewhere right?

 

Today, and specifically tonight was incredibly tough for me. In fact one of the hardest few hours of my life.

 

Let me share some of the items from the 180 that I need help with, some of the items that I have not done the best with. Any words of wisdom or almost any opinion is welcome:

 

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

 

Boy that was tough today, when you are a man and you cry it's hard to hide that. Not exactly the sexiest look in the world.

 

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.

 

Nearly impossible for me today. I did manage to go the entire day without cracking, but just as she was going to bed with her usual distant "good night" and she asked me if I was OK I did answer with the fact that I had a rotten day. Close, but not close enough I guess.

 

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.

 

A tough one for me, I'm not a quiet person. I did make an effort which resulted in a few times my child asking me to repeat myself because I was mumbling... OK, not a big deal.

 

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

 

Today really pushed the limits of what I am capable of, I haven't given up as such but I have in my own mind taken 3 steps backward.

 

Now, here are a few that I have succeeded on (there are more, but these are just the highlights).

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

 

All NP for me. #1 and #2 were tough today, #3 was easy since we didn't speak all that much.

 

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

 

I was actually internally tested on #8 today when I bought some shaving cream. I initally thought of getting something for her, but I had "my bible" and decided against it. #10 was tough today, especially so since I still believe she is having a EA. However, I made my own progress on that.

 

I have to fully admit that is the hardest thing I have ever went through in my life and I have ALWAYS been a firm believer in the old saying that whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger. I will say that normally in my life I've been confident that the events would not kill me, so I knew the eventual results! This one, well it remains to be seen.

 

Here ends the day for me such as it was.

[What_Next]

A few days later and I wanted to post an update on things. Not a great deal has changed between my wife and I. Nor did I expect or even desire it to. However, things are starting to change within me. The emotional roller coaster is still ongoing, but the highs are not as high and the lows are not as low.

 

I've began to reflect on many of my past actions and try and determine the root cause of them. Some of them make sense, some of them don't.

 

I've began to spend time just being inside my own head. That is really helping. I've realized that for a long time I wasn't able to just crawl inside my own mind and file things away, decompress. I've let things pile up and other events I've repressed.

 

I was able to sit for 15 minutes yesterday in the same room with my wife but it was not easy. I actually shook for a while when she spoke. Not sure what the heck that's about yet.

 

Luckily my wife and daughter are out of the house this weekend and for me that is a great thing.

 

In addition several of my friends have been rallying around me and that has helped so much.

 

It's going to be a long road, but I am commited to fixing ME first.

[nobmagnet]

hang in there love and hold on tight! roller coaster is just warming up:eek:

 

Living under the sameroof is magnifying all of what all us that had WA spouses had to deal with.

 

Him living away just annoyed me. him happy, him sad, him appearing to seem fine when i was so frightened, and every thing else. Yours is in your face and so far you are being very strong. huge credit to you.

 

I have only lost it once with mine. I totally regretted it. the rest of the time I have been dignified and polite, he has never had cause to blame me and i personally am proud of that. I need to tell you summot too..... he regretts the lot, he misses me and realises what a stupid mistake he made. I am a swan and mate for life, I covered his weaknesses and supported him in everything . But my life and my kids life and knowing him......i cant go back ever as i do understand he will do it again. Its a shame as I love him, but he will be better free from responsabilities and has been a better dad. I, in turn am happier than I have ever been:D:D

 

we have 2 ears and one mouth. Listen to what she has to say, digest it and think hard but please have your change to have your say.

 

Nobby xx x

[What_Next]

hang in there love and hold on tight! roller coaster is just warming up:eek:

 

Living under the sameroof is magnifying all of what all us that had WA spouses had to deal with.

 

we have 2 ears and one mouth. Listen to what she has to say, digest it and think hard but please have your change to have your say.

 

Nobby xx x

 

Nobmagnet, thank you for this reply. Most definitely living under the same roof is one of the biggest struggles right now. I am learning to deal with it as best as I can.

 

I have also learned to try and listen more and to keep calm, polite and be cordial.

 

We are beginning MC on Monday and she seems intent on giving it a try. I am as well. The rollercoaster is contiuning, sometimes up very high, sometimes very low, but as I am learning that is expected. She is going away this weekend and that would normally be a source of frustration, but in this case I welcome it.

[2sure]

Action. Research is good, but if it is followed only by thoughts and words...its junk. Action.

 

Think about what physical action has taken place so far:

 

Drinking , Anger, Violence.

 

Those are the actions your wife is having an issue with.

What physical actions can you make that demonstrate to her that you want to change things about yourself?

 

I'd start there.

[What_Next]

Well, I wish I was in a better headspace right now, but I am not. This afternoon I decided to pay some bills through online banking. I've been lax lately for obvious reasons. Well I discovered my STBX took out 320 in cash from our bank account in several different ATM withdrawls. It was strategically placed between other transactions.

 

This is quadruple what she would normally do. I called her and asked her about it and her reaction was "I'll just put it back and the next time I guess I'll ask permission etc". I would not go down that road and kept calm and explained to her that our finances are a mess right now and this sort of thing makes it MUCH worse.

 

She then called me back and stated some of it was for Father's day. Every single year since our child was born on Father's Day she and our child would go shopping a few days before the day and buy something using debit. NEVER cash.

 

I let it go and stayed calm. She is but a few minutes from leaving on her "girls weekend" and ever since I came home she has been asking me "Are you Okay", "Can I get you some lunch?" etc. Now in the past 3 months she has never bothered to ask. Guilt before her weekend?

 

Who the hell knows. How am I supposed to compartmentalize this before our MC on Monday night?

 

There might be NOTHING to her withdrawls, there might be NOTHING to her pleasent attitude today, so I don't want to overreact.

[What_Next]

I let her go without hardly saying a word. She chased me around the house and said "you don't have to avoid me". I didn't really say much except that it's OK and I don't want to upset you before you go on your weekend.

 

She left. Honestly, I am glad. I have my child, we spent about 2 hrs bike riding tonight and went out for Wendy's Frostys (BTW I'd recommend one to anyone while going through this, good for the soul).

 

Tomorrow night will be a living hell. My daughter is going to a birthday sleepover so I'll be alone at the house. Anyone up for a game of cards

[You Go Girl]

Whatnext, as you know I'm having a very stressful day. In two hours all hello is going to break loose here, he will be back.

Everytime you feel lonely, just crank up the radio to a song you like, or play one on your puter, whatever it takes. You know of some songs that lift your spirits.

Your stbx is up to something with that extra cash, but at this point, does it matter?

Do you want her back? Did you want the divorce? I don't know the story, is there another thread?

[What_Next]

YGG, I can tell by reading your posts today that you must be in tough today. I don't know the exact circumstances, but suffice to say, hang in there.

 

I do realize that she is up to something with the money. Her claims that it was something for Father's Day are simply fantasy. As you say, what does it matter.

 

I have fully and openly admit that right now I am self medicating with alcohol. It's only beer, but it helps me sleep and right now I need that. It's not over the top, but it is taking the edge off. Ironically enough I have been using music as well, and that has helped.

 

Do I want her back? Right now, No. Do I want the divorce? Right now, No. Seems an odd answer right? The impact on our child is weighing heavily on me.

 

I asked my daugther to call her tonight to say good night to her, she didn't answer her cell phone. She has it with her, of course she does. She NEVER moves without it. How could a mother intentionally ignore a call from her child? Maybe she's just getting hammered and trying to take the edge off herself. I don't know.

 

YGG, I am eternally grateful for your posts. I am eternally grateful for the encouragement you have given me. LS has been a source of knowledge, solice and even to a weird extent friendship. Hang in there, I'll likely be in an out of here all weekend, I have a shoulder if you need it.

[tojaz]

What_Next, avoid the trap i see coming.... wondering what shes up to, not answering her phone etc. It will drive you mad, im wriying this from just this side of crazy. Take this time as a break, a time when the pressure is off no panic, no pressure will be the clearest thinking you are going to be able to do. The money, the weeken will all reveal itself in time and you stressing over it is only going to result in more stress and less beer in the fridge. Will not change the outcome. Make the most of the break, her return is going to be a very trying time for you, best be sharp.

 

TOJAZ

[2sunny]

where did she go this weekend and who is she with?

 

the alcohol is apt to make things worse - it's a depressant.

 

you can only change YOU. find out what she's really up to (looks like no good to me) get the evidence you need - then make a decision based on your best interest.

 

if you continue to allow her behavior to be accepted by you - she gets the idea that she can do it again. i think that's what has happened.

 

your anger issues need to be resolved.

 

if you always have a voice - no matter how you feel - you need to speak YOUR truth. this will diminish the need to get angry - if you have a voice and use it appropriately.

 

do her words match her actions? do things make perfect sense when dealing with her? what seems "off" - according to what you stated in your original post.

[What_Next]

2sunny and tojaz, thank you so much for your replies.

 

2sunny, she said she is gone with a friend and for a "girls weekend". I don't buy it for a second. Never did. What could I do, stand in her way and block the door? Evidence, that's hard, she keeps her phone tied to her hip, I can't get near it. I don't have the energy to even try to find out actually.

 

I am changing me, that has been happening for quite a while now. You are definitely right, my anger issues need to be dealt with. I am working on that. It's not going to happen overnight but I am winning that battle. I have done so much self reflection I thought at times my head would implode . It hasn't yet..

 

Tojaz, you are wise. For tonight though I will continue to raid the fridge until I sleep. My daughter is tucked into her bed with our dog. She is safe, she is happy. I am less and less concerned with whom she is with or what she is doing, in fact I am almost (yes I said almost) to the point where I can say I don't give a ____.

 

One point you did bring up is her return and you are right. I don't know what I will do. She will come home emotionless, hug our child and all but ignore me I suspect. I'm actually good with that. All part of learning to deal with these feelings.

 

Thanks everyone, these posts do help me so much. I read each one and take what I can from them.

[2sunny]

what about her phone bill, have you checked it?

 

start being smart. if there is a number continuously on her bill - find out who it is. her phone being off is bull.

 

if it were me - i'd ask her to move out when she returns... not caring where she opts to go. she's not in the marriage... her time, energy and effort is outside the marriage.

 

she needs to prove that she's going to make an effort - and prove it. if her actions and words aren't matching up - something's terribly wrong. she needs to earn your trust... if she's not doing that - then you have no marriage...

[What_Next]

The phone was initially bought for "work purposes" I should have seen it coming back then but I was blind. The bill is sent to her office. It has an unlimited text package and they aren't detailed as far as I know. Then again I'd have no way of getting my hands on it anyway.

 

Financially we cannot be seperate right now. It would put a gun to both of our heads. However, I think in retrospect I have been using this a crutch and not thinking creatively. Perhaps I need to set my mind to that. It certainly would help me get my focus away from self medicating.

 

I do believe she is now actively involved in a PA, so that does change things drastically. All that I have read indicates that she won't admit it. Therefore I am at an impass.

 

I have answered my own question, it is time to sit down and get to the business of getting her out of here. The MC on Monday is merely a formality at this point.

[2sunny]

actually the MC on Monday could prove to be best. if you kick her out on Sunday when she gets home and she has time to process that you're unwilling to tolerate her bad behavior and no longer want her as your wife - you actually may be able to see on Monday IF she wants to change.

 

if nothing changes by the time of the MC appt - then you definitely know that she intends to stay the same... stay in the marriage - using you and treating you like dirt - and watching you get angry about what she does - and continue doing it as long as she can use you and as long as you tolerate it.

 

sometimes - kicking out the spouse gives them a jolt of reality enough for them to be motivated for change. if she isn't motivated = you have your answer.

[What_Next]

2sunny, at this point how I would love to kick her ass to the curb on Sunday. I just cannot. We have a child, my mother lives with us, we just can't afford it. Excuse after excuse right? Probably.

 

My behavorial trait of acting based upon my gut has not worked out all that well thus far. I am going to dig deep, go to MC on Monday and see where we stand. I am going to have a tough discussion with my mother tomorrow tough. I've already had that talk with my daughter today.

 

I cannot take much more of this. I honestly cannot. I am approaching the end of my rope. I am grasping out for things to hold onto and only finding empty memories.

 

Sleep is what I wish for tonight, but my fridge is still full, my bank account empty, my heart in pieces. Wow, I sound like a bad George Jones song! Maybe I am in the wrong business .

[Gunny376]

Having been forced by my boss to seek professional help, ( I work second shift and was going in semi half hung over ~ not enough to make me dysfunctional but enough to where I was making mistakes. And when you work in a lab there's a world of difference between a .001 and a .0001 or a .0019 [in effect a .002 ~ when the maximum specification for the allow is no greater than a <.001)

 

Anyway I went to see a pyschologist, who sent me to my PCP, who in consultation got me on medication. Antidepresents and anxiety drugs. Having being diagonised with depression, anxiety and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrone)

 

That's not to say that you've got PTSD, but being a full time husband, father, care-giver to your Mother, provider, going through martial problems, suspecting your wife of having either an EA or PA or both ~ you are most definately going through some stress and anxiety.

 

The effects of the meds were almost immediate after about a week or two. There were some side effects. And I have to go back to see my pyschologist and PCP once a month to monitor my dosage.

 

The anxiety drugs were the best. I use to get PO'd about any and everything at work ~ and being a retired Marine that is not a good thing, nor is it pretty and fun for the receiptant of such.

 

I would suggest you go and see your PCP and tell him what your going through. Be honest, spell it all out and lay it all out to him.

 

The meds that I'm on have made me less hypervigelent, anxious, more focused, more concentrated, less worried, etc. They also help me sleep better and sounder at night ~ that is to say when I go to sleep? I get a good sound solid sleep without all of the tossing and turning. Along with less waking up "up-teen" times a night.

 

Were I going through what your currently expericing (as I have) and were on the meds that I'm on now? The 180's would come naturally ~ as in the last two months that I've been on them? I smile more, I'm more socialable, anger less easily, more polite, and more quickly to laugh.

 

In short I'm getting back to being the "old me" that I was before I went through all of the things that I've been through over the last thirty years.

 

The psychologist/ therapist/IC thing is a good thing to pursue ~ and to be honest I should have done it years upon years ago. You soon wear your freinds and family out listening to you bitch, moan,groan and complain? Find yourself someone that gets paid to do so.

 

Not only that but has the formal education, training, experience, certification to give you good and sound advice. Un-like your friends and family.

 

Now mind you this is coming from someone who avoided mental health professoinal like the plague! In part because in the American military there ins't and confidentiality as there is out here in civilian la~la land. And in part being from the Deep South there's a social stigma attached to seeking out such help.

 

I should have done it years ago! Its made that much of a difference in just under two months. My attitude, persepctive, approach toward people and life in general have improved 100% and I've done a 180 BIG time.

 

I would dare say that even long time posters here at LS have noticed a change in such. My boss is in shock and awe at the turn around that I've made in the last two months since having sought out help.

 

Fortunately my boss is a retired Alabama National Guard Master Sergeant and a former Vietnam Vet. He and all of my co-workers knew that I was and have been struggling for years just to get through the goal post of Life ~ just trying to make it through one more day.

 

I believe even if your only prescribed low dosage of antidepressents and anxiety meds ~ they would help you cope.

 

Its been two months since my initial intake with my psycholgoist ~ and I had an appointment with him last Tue. He was almost giggling with joy in the change in my persepctive and attitude. Which has been a 180.

[What_Next]

Gunny thank you very much for your reply. As I sit here this morning rather hungover some of it is getting through. Going to see a Dr. is not an option in my case. Nor are medication. It's a long story but I refuse to take any medication of any kind. It's just not something I can or will do.

 

I must sort it out on my own. I keep going back and forth over the finances and there is just no way without losing it all to seperate. In the end that is what I MUST do. For my own sanity.

 

My marriage is over, I must learn to accept that. I must salvage my relationship with my child and with myself.

 

I have to set goals, both large and small and achieve them. This is the fight of my life and I will NOT lose. The history of events that got us here right now is of little matter; the reality is. If in fact she is involved in a PA; I cannot concern myself over that. It's time to pick myself up by the boot straps and get on with life.

 

Get busy living or get busy dieing I guess

[tojaz]

Gunny thank you very much for your reply. As I sit here this morning rather hungover some of it is getting through. Going to see a Dr. is not an option in my case. Nor are medication. It's a long story but I refuse to take any medication of any kind. It's just not something I can or will do.

 

I must sort it out on my own. I keep going back and forth over the finances and there is just no way without losing it all to seperate. In the end that is what I MUST do. For my own sanity.

 

My marriage is over, I must learn to accept that. I must salvage my relationship with my child and with myself.

 

I have to set goals, both large and small and achieve them. This is the fight of my life and I will NOT lose. The history of events that got us here right now is of little matter; the reality is. If in fact she is involved in a PA; I cannot concern myself over that. It's time to pick myself up by the boot straps and get on with life.

 

Get busy living or get busy dieing I guess

 

No what next, its not the fight for your life.... not yet. It is the fight for your marriage though. The rollercoaster is in full force as you swing between wanting her back and wanting to kick her out. SLOW DOWN! Things are rarely black and white so swinging from one extreme to another is only going to do more damage.

 

Do nothing, just observe for now and let all the talking be initiated by her. Just make it to the MC. This is nothing that your going to fix on your own.

 

This time away with the support of her girlfriends is going to change the dynamic when she returns. Cant tell you what that is or will be, but keep it in mind. Dont work on her or the marriage right now, thats the MC's job, work on you and preparing for what is to come. Read threads, books, websites. Educate yourself, get a step ahead. Most of us learned the things we have after it was already too late, I still learn something new every day, even after a year apart... it takes that long for the skies to clear. Benefit from those that have gone before and learn from our mistakes, thats why were here.

 

TOJAZ

[What_Next]

Tojaz, you are right. I am swinging between highs and lows. It's my fundamental mis-trust of her because of her past EA's that is contributing right now. I did manage to hold it together yesterday though, a major victory.

 

I have been doing a lot of reading (this forum and a few other websites) though and that has helped. I have set some personal goals and will do my best to reach them.

 

Right now I am taking it hour by hour and trying to work through my own emotions. I cannot even think about tomorrow right now. In fact I cannot even think beyond the next 15 minutes. I'm having a LOT of trouble sleeping, I cannot eat anything, my stomach is a complete disaster zone. On the plus side it is helping me lose a few pounds.

 

I'll stay the course for now. I wish the MC was starting in 15 minutes. Actually no I don't because if any medical professional took a look at me they'd stick in a padded room somewhere....

 

Ironically the thing that is annoying me today is my loss of my sense of humor. I am normally a witty, funny person who just loves to find the things in life that strike me as funny. I've lost that desire. Not sure why that is bugging me, but it is.

 

Thanks once again for reading the thread and posting.

Edited June 12, 2010 by What_Next

[tojaz]

All completely normal What_Next. In my D I lost 60 lbs and developed an ulcer. I also swang between love and hate more then i would care to mention. Still do now, even a year after. Minute by minute, hour by hour is all you can do right now. Just hang in for the MC and understand that it won't all be fixed in one session and the first one will probably be pretty ugly. The goal is just to stick with it and the hope that she will do the same.

 

Bit of advice i've given a few times.... Just as much as your analyzing things from every angle over and over, looking for hints and clues, SO IS SHE! Keep that in mind before you speak or you act and especialy in the heat of the moment. Treat each interaction like it could be your last and act in a way that you would want her to remember it (even if it means biting your tongue and absorbing some punishment) In the early times, time is on your side. Dont act in a way that will push her away and don't do anything that will reinforce her negative views of you even if they are unwarranted. The more positive, the less she'll run... the less she runs the more positive she can see. Harder then it sounds!

 

TOJAZ

[What_Next]

Well I she will be home today, although i have no idea when. I'm quite angry that she would go the entire weekend and not even call our child. Perhaps that is what she needed, don't know, at this point don't care.

 

I had a long talk with my mother last night (who lives with us) and basically laid it all out for her so she would understand what is going on. She understood and that helped a lot.

 

When she comes home I'll keep my cool and leaving the talking to her. Right now I have little to say to her anyway.

 

I can't help shake what she did last week with the cash withdrawls though and that is weighing heavily on my mind today. I have a fear that she is hoarding cash. I think I MUST severe our bank accounts next week. How can I do this without throwing things into a tailspin though? I have to protect myself.

 

This weekend has been extremely hard, but necessary. I have came out of it stronger and maybe even a little wiser. I do appreciate the various posters that have given me advice, it has sunk in.

 

We'll see how the rest of the day goes I suppose. The rollercoaster continues. Geez maybe I need to write a book....

[What_Next]

I could take no more. I finally asked my daughter to call her to find out when my truck would be home. She wouldn't even give my daughter a clear answer. I then called her, asked for an ETA of the return of MY TRUCK. She said approximately 9:00pm.

 

She said she was just leaving where she was. I guess she had a fun weekend.

 

I then removed the rest of my things from our bedroom. I had only taken my clothes up to this point. I removed my university degree, all of the rest of my belongings are now out of the bedroom.

 

Likely a big mistake considering we are booked for MC tomorrow, but at this point I am seriously thinking of canceling it. When she comes home I'll take MY truck and go somewhere until she goes to bed. I am sure she'll be tired after her "ladies" weekend.

 

I am severing our bank accounts in the morning and pulling all of my cash out of the joint accounts.

 

I've been pushed too far. I now need to determine where to go next. I have come to grips with the end of this so called marriage. It was as much her decision as it was mine. Seeing the look on our daughter's face when I was taking my things out of our bedroom broke my heart.

 

I have to be strong for her.