What next

[tojaz]

I know I cannot. It is hard because she really poured her heart out and told me how she really feels. I have to respect that.

 

Well, I obviously cant tell you whats on her mind, but with most people I tend to trust actions over words. While its true that I only know what you have shared with me, to my eye her actions and her words do not match up.

 

 

 

Short answer, I don't know. If I do stay then it will be a tough road and a long process to restore the love. At the end of the day I am not 100% sure that it would work anyway.

 

Well, either way, its time to quit being so much of a Mr. nice guy, she has officially dropped the bomb. I'm not saying to be an arse, but it is probably time for a bit of a boulder approach.

 

No More SEX! While most guys dream of being used by a woman , you cannot let her use you like that. Shes getting all the benefits of being married, yet still walking the other direction! I'd be willing to bet your pretty hurt by that. You should be, and you should let her know that as well as telling her that it isn't ever going to happen again. As a matter of fact, you need to stop fulfilling any of her emotional needs. Show her what shes giving up. Maybe not harsh NC, but you do need to shut down a bit and let her feel what being alone is going to be like (big impact while you both are in the same house)

 

We had mentioned the differences between myself and Gunny, I think you need to give a little more Gunny now that she has drawn a line in the sand. A massive 180!

 

TOJAZ

[habs53]

I honestly think she i bull****ting you. She certainly does love you. She is confused.

[What_Next]

Well, it's done. We went back and forth and back and forth with her saying, I just don't love you, blah blah blah. I've had it. I'm officially tired of her bull****.

 

She has toyed with me long enough. Last night was a lapse in judegement and I feel as though she used it to mess with me one last time.

 

The financial timebomb that has been ticking is about to go off. It is going to get very nasty very fast. I hope for the sake of our daughter we don't tear each other apart, but there are no guarntees of that at this point.

 

She is asleep (as usual) and I am brooding, but I'll cool off and get some sleep and start the process tomorrow.

Edited June 30, 2010 by What_Next

[tojaz]

I know I cannot. It is hard because she really poured her heart out and told me how she really feels. I have to respect that.

 

 

 

Short answer, I don't know. If I do stay then it will be a tough road and a long process to restore the love. At the end of the day I am not 100% sure that it would work anyway.

 

Well, it's done. We went back and forth and back and forth with her saying, I just don't love you, blah blah blah. I've had it. I'm officially tired of her bull****.

 

She has toyed with me long enough. Last night was a lapse in judegement and I feel as though she used it to mess with me one last time.

 

The financial timebomb that has been ticking is about to go off. It is going to get very nasty very fast. I hope for the sake of our daughter we don't tear each other apart, but there are no guarntees of that at this point.

 

She is asleep (as usual) and I am brooding, but I'll cool off and get some sleep and start the process tomorrow.

Calm down W_N let your head catch up with your emotions before doing anything. You don't wan't the divorce so why rush it? Although having some papers drawn up to present to her might not be a bad idea. Just because you have them doesn't mean you ever have to file them, but might give her a bit of a reality check to bring her back to the table.

 

Just take some time, and see what happens when you stop chasing her, or when you stop fighting for her. You have said your piece, stick by that, but let her know that theres nothing more that you can do except let her go, and then its 180 like crazy! Your best shot is to create a situation where she truly needs to take a good hard look at what she s doing and why shes doing it.

 

TOJAZ

[What_Next]

Well things change yet again. I just went to bed last night and left it as it was.

 

This morning she came downstairs again and started with "I'm sorry". "I do love you", "I never stopped loving you". Then she went on to say she wanted a second chance.

 

We talked a little, not heavy just a little. She put her rings back on etc.

 

It seems she honestly wants to start again. I don't know what to think actually.

 

I'll be blunt. A lot of you have read through my thread and have commented, what would you do? How would you proceed?

[habs53]

Well things change yet again. I just went to bed last night and left it as it was.

 

This morning she came downstairs again and started with "I'm sorry". "I do love you", "I never stopped loving you". Then she went on to say she wanted a second chance.

 

We talked a little, not heavy just a little. She put her rings back on etc.

 

It seems she honestly wants to start again. I don't know what to think actually.

 

I'll be blunt. A lot of you have read through my thread and have commented, what would you do? How would you proceed?

Doesnt surprise me. Told you she did. I would take it slowly and correct your problems. Continue sleeping seperate. I would suspect that the 180 has worked in your case. At least for now. You my good man are totally in the drivers seat now. The tides have turned.

I never totally believe this i dont love you line. I think it is said in anger, or confusion.

[hurt and devastated]

First off, I want to say I'm really happy for you that things seem to be finally starting to work out for you. I also agree with Habs you're going to have to take it slow so things don't happen all at once. She could easily get overwhelmed and start pulling away again.

[What_Next]

Habs53, thanks for your response. We had already spoken about sleeping arrangements. I told her I was going to keep "my room" with my clothes in it etc. I actually may suggest that we sleep seperately for a while as well.

 

Tomorrow is my birthday (Canada Day as well) so it's a bit of a special occasion. She already expressed to me that she wanted to sleep together tonight at least. I'm not sure what I will decide.

 

One of our topics of conversation this morning was that we ARE going to continue to work on our issues, not just sweep them under the rug. We WILL have to deal with them. She did agree, but she did say she would honestly try and change but she didn't know if she could. I told her I would have patience with her and try and help her. She did say she appreciated that.

 

I agree, going slow and trying to rebuild our marriage is the best way. It will NOT happen overnight.

 

I am open to any and all comments. What a journey this has been. We are by no means there yet, but we are beginning to go in the right direction.

 

To the entire LS community I would like to say Thank you. It has been a source of support and even a distraction some days. How I needed both.

[habs53]

Habs53, thanks for your response. We had already spoken about sleeping arrangements. I told her I was going to keep "my room" with my clothes in it etc. I actually may suggest that we sleep seperately for a while as well.

 

Tomorrow is my birthday (Canada Day as well) so it's a bit of a special occasion. She already expressed to me that she wanted to sleep together tonight at least. I'm not sure what I will decide.

 

One of our topics of conversation this morning was that we ARE going to continue to work on our issues, not just sweep them under the rug. We WILL have to deal with them. She did agree, but she did say she would honestly try and change but she didn't know if she could. I told her I would have patience with her and try and help her. She did say she appreciated that.

 

I agree, going slow and trying to rebuild our marriage is the best way. It will NOT happen overnight.

 

I am open to any and all comments. What a journey this has been. We are by no means there yet, but we are beginning to go in the right direction.

 

To the entire LS community I would like to say Thank you. It has been a source of support and even a distraction some days. How I needed both.

You are living proof that things can work out. Good for you and all your patience. I like the 180 thing but some communication is needed. In my case i almost feel my wife cracking. She is getting annoyed with me not replying to her messages. And when i do, she thanks me. I offered to pick up my son for her today so she could go to work. She seemed to like that. As i say, maybe time to slowly work my way back in. This could take months. But we will see.

[What_Next]

You are living proof that things can work out. Good for you and all your patience. I like the 180 thing but some communication is needed. In my case i almost feel my wife cracking. She is getting annoyed with me not replying to her messages. And when i do, she thanks me. I offered to pick up my son for her today so she could go to work. She seemed to like that. As i say, maybe time to slowly work my way back in. This could take months. But we will see.

 

 

Habs53, well we aren't there yet, but the last few days have definitely been turning points. In a way I honestly feel as though a lof of what we went through was a walk away wife syndrome. I think one of the final things that got through was last night when we were basically done I sat down and said that it was so hard to believe that we were willing to walk away from 20 years of friendship, a 6 yr marriage and do permanent damage to our daughter over what amounted to minor issues.

 

Sure things were far from perfect in our marriage, but there were none of the "big" issues, cheating, abuse, gambling or other such problems. That's not to minimize what either of us did to each other, but the problems that we have can be fixed. We CAN heal over time. At the time she didn't hear me but she said she slept for maybe an hour and then she spent time really soul searching.

 

I can say that this experience has changed me forever, and in a positive way. I have all the intention in the world of showing my wife respect, affection, understand and patience. In time a deeper love and trust will grow as well. She has assured me that she will do the same. Just as I have read on LS in the infidelity forum of so many stories of marriages surviving an affair, I believe our marriage can grow strong as well.

 

My advice? For heavens sake avoid these pitfalls, the FIRST sign of trouble get help. The FIRST time a spouse talks of trouble DEAL WITH IT!

 

I'll keep everyone up to date as things progress. I honestly hope that my story can give others a source of solice in the dark times.

[trippi1432]

Sure things were far from perfect in our marriage, but there were none of the "big" issues, cheating, abuse, gambling or other such problems. That's not to minimize what either of us did to each other, but the problems that we have can be fixed. We CAN heal over time. At the time she didn't hear me but she said she slept for maybe an hour and then she spent time really soul searching.

 

I can say that this experience has changed me forever, and in a positive way. I have all the intention in the world of showing my wife respect, affection, understand and patience. In time a deeper love and trust will grow as well. She has assured me that she will do the same. Just as I have read on LS in the infidelity forum of so many stories of marriages surviving an affair, I believe our marriage can grow strong as well.

 

My advice? For heavens sake avoid these pitfalls, the FIRST sign of trouble get help. The FIRST time a spouse talks of trouble DEAL WITH IT!

 

 

This actually brought tears to my eyes.....a very beautiful post What_Next. I wish you the best and hope that this is a positive turning point in your marriage. :)

[What_Next]

Trippi1432, that is very nice of you to say. I mean it with all the sincerity I can muster. We have been given a second chance of sorts. Even if in the end it does not work it will NOT be because I did not give it my heart and my soul.

 

I do hope to grow old together with my wife, I truely do, and I will do whatever I need to ensure we do just that. I can only hope she does the same.

 

We are headed out this weekend on a family trip and I am looking forward to a lot of sleeping and relaxing. We're both running on empty.

[tojaz]

Well things change yet again. I just went to bed last night and left it as it was.

 

This morning she came downstairs again and started with "I'm sorry". "I do love you", "I never stopped loving you". Then she went on to say she wanted a second chance.

 

We talked a little, not heavy just a little. She put her rings back on etc.

 

It seems she honestly wants to start again. I don't know what to think actually.

 

I'll be blunt. A lot of you have read through my thread and have commented, what would you do? How would you proceed?

 

They dont call it a rollercoaster for nothing my friend, she is swaying to and fro but I also notice that each time she sways back, it gets a little closer.

 

What would I do? I would play it slow and steady. Explain to her that I was happy this happened so we both could work on it and build a better marriage, and understand that it will take time, but you have never given up on her, and you never will! Then ask her what she needs from you.

 

I actually may suggest that we sleep seperately for a while as well.

 

I like that idea. Gives you each some space to think, and it will let you know just how hurt you are. That truly needs to be acknowledged. Just jumping back into living like you were is a recipe for disaster, so easy to fall back into old habits, take it slow and start from scratch.

 

Tomorrow is my birthday (Canada Day as well) so it's a bit of a special occasion. She already expressed to me that she wanted to sleep together tonight at least. I'm not sure what I will decide.

 

Happy B-Day!!

Well that choice is yours. If it were me, I think I would take a pass for the reasons stated above.

 

One of our topics of conversation this morning was that we ARE going to continue to work on our issues, not just sweep them under the rug. We WILL have to deal with them. She did agree, but she did say she would honestly try and change but she didn't know if she could. I told her I would have patience with her and try and help her. She did say she appreciated that.

 

Sounds like a good solid start W_N and having her put her ring back is fantastic news. Since I am a bit of a reader, I have another book suggestion, this one for both of you. "Reconcilable Differences" by Andrew Christensen and Neil Jacobson. Very good at looking at how you communicate and interact together, although a bit of a slow read.

 

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

They dont call it a rollercoaster for nothing my friend, she is swaying to and fro but I also notice that each time she sways back, it gets a little closer.

 

What would I do? I would play it slow and steady. Explain to her that I was happy this happened so we both could work on it and build a better marriage, and understand that it will take time, but you have never given up on her, and you never will! Then ask her what she needs from you.

 

 

 

I like that idea. Gives you each some space to think, and it will let you know just how hurt you are. That truly needs to be acknowledged. Just jumping back into living like you were is a recipe for disaster, so easy to fall back into old habits, take it slow and start from scratch.

 

 

 

Happy B-Day!!

Well that choice is yours. If it were me, I think I would take a pass for the reasons stated above.

 

 

Sounds like a good solid start W_N and having her put her ring back is fantastic news. Since I am a bit of a reader, I have another book suggestion, this one for both of you. "Reconcilable Differences" by Andrew Christensen and Neil Jacobson. Very good at looking at how you communicate and interact together, although a bit of a slow read.

 

TOJAZ

 

Couple of things I will highlight...my ex came back one day before my birthday......see above.

 

Happy Birthday WN...take it a day at a time....

[What_Next]

trippi1432 and tojaz, thanks for the replies. I definitely plan on taking it one day at a time. Right now I know she is still hurting and she is having a lot of trouble sleeping. It is because she is sleeping alone. I am going to talk to her about it and ask her what I can do. To tell you the truth I am not hung up on that one way or another.

 

If she needs me to sleep in the same bed as her to show her compassion, I'll do it. We will NOT go back like it was! NEVER! Period. We both change and our relationship changes or it just won't work.

 

I'm not going to get too heavy for the next little while. We are both emotionally spent. It's time to rebuild. We do have to work on serious issues, but not all at once.

 

I'm also concerned that if the physical relationship gets going it might spell trouble. That is very hard though because despite all that is going on we are still very attracted to each other. I do have to say that sex has never been a source of pressure or stress between us. We'll work that out I suppose.

 

She and our child are out seeing a movie tonight and I decided to drop off our vehicle for her and bike ride home so she could easily get home. I also left a little treat for her on the front seat. Nothing over the top, just a little thing with a note. I am washing the laundry and cleaning the house as well (besides posting on LS that is).

 

Thanks for the birthday wishes. I am so very happy to have found the LS community and all the support it provides.

[trippi1432]

She and our child are out seeing a movie tonight and I decided to drop off our vehicle for her and bike ride home so she could easily get home. I also left a little treat for her on the front seat. Nothing over the top, just a little thing with a note.

 

Jealous, my ex would never do that for me.....You are a good man WN....remember that.

 

Happy Birthday!!

[tojaz]

trippi1432 and tojaz, thanks for the replies. I definitely plan on taking it one day at a time. Right now I know she is still hurting and she is having a lot of trouble sleeping. It is because she is sleeping alone. I am going to talk to her about it and ask her what I can do. To tell you the truth I am not hung up on that one way or another.

 

If she needs me to sleep in the same bed as her to show her compassion, I'll do it. We will NOT go back like it was! NEVER! Period. We both change and our relationship changes or it just won't work.

 

I'm not going to get too heavy for the next little while. We are both emotionally spent. It's time to rebuild. We do have to work on serious issues, but not all at once.

 

I'm also concerned that if the physical relationship gets going it might spell trouble. That is very hard though because despite all that is going on we are still very attracted to each other. I do have to say that sex has never been a source of pressure or stress between us. We'll work that out I suppose.

 

She and our child are out seeing a movie tonight and I decided to drop off our vehicle for her and bike ride home so she could easily get home. I also left a little treat for her on the front seat. Nothing over the top, just a little thing with a note. I am washing the laundry and cleaning the house as well (besides posting on LS that is).

 

Thanks for the birthday wishes. I am so very happy to have found the LS community and all the support it provides.

 

Very well thought out post W_N. Your looking at all the angles and still seeing her point of view as well. Good luck.

 

TOJAZ

[Corporate]

Jealous, my ex would never do that for me.....You are a good man WN....remember that.

 

Happy Birthday!!

 

Stop hitting on him; he is a married man.

[trippi1432]

Stop hitting on him; he is a married man.

 

Corporate, it's a shame that you do not have a story to share....otherwise we could understand your "hit" on my praise of someone saving their marriage.

 

It's okay....I will go ahead and accept your apology of a very immature and not well thought out post....I at least try to give all new-comers one chance.

 

Please, by all means...post your story on a thread for us, you seem to have a lot to offer, but no one can help you if we don't know where your evident hostility is coming from.

[Corporate]

Corporate, it's a shame that you do not have a story to share....otherwise we could understand your "hit" on my praise of someone saving their marriage.

 

It's okay....I will go ahead and accept your apology of a very immature and not well thought out post....I at least try to give all new-comers one chance.

 

Please, by all means...post your story on a thread for us, you seem to have a lot to offer, but no one can help you if we don't know where your evident hostility is coming from.

 

Wow, it seems like I got a hater on hand.

[trippi1432]

Not a hater Corporate, just don't take false accusations....especially ones like that, very lightly. I don't make passes at married men....since I know how the married woman feels when her ex leaves her for one.

.

WN is is the same exact spot I was in with my ex 1 year ago this month. It is my sincere hope that this works out for him...it would be good to see a success story in comparison of what happened to my marriage.

 

Good luck WN - I'm sure that Corporate would agree that we can take this discussion to the general discussion board and get off of your thread. :D

[Corporate]

Not a hater Corporate, just don't take false accusations. :D

 

So, what happened to this guy whom you have chatted on IM for 3 hours?

[habs53]

So, what happened to this guy whom you have chatted on IM for 3 hours?

Give it up would you.

[trippi1432]

Thanks Habs...

 

Corp - first, it's none of your business, but the man has been divorced for over 9 years that I was speaking with.

 

Second.....it is rude to steal someone's thread to make accusations of other members. If you have a personal problem with me...well, sorry dear, you own that...not my problem.

[tojaz]

Well it would seem the childish games have come to an end. Good riddance.

 

Now back to the subject at hand, anything new to report What_Next?

 

TOJAZ