What next

[wrencn]

I honestly don't think there is anything he can do right now as long as she is having an EA. He can't meet any needs if they are being met by another man. He can walk or he can wait it out and wait for it to fizzle out- then they can work towards building the marriage and he can start working on being there for her emotionally.

 

What_Next- I hope she chooses marriage.

[Corporate]

This is what I wrote last month:

 

How sure are you that your wife did not or is not having an affair, whether's it's physical or emtoinal or both?

 

Your wife's actions have AFFAIR written all over it. Don't even think for a second that she drove to another state just to chat or see a movie with him and was only having an EA. All that chatting and tension building up to a meeting don't just end up at a restaurant. She will minimize it and lie as much as she can until you have solid proof such as video tape of them doing it on his bed.

 

You had relation with your wife and you need to get yourself tested for STDs and HIV.

Edited July 11, 2010 by Corporate

[spriggig]

...either dives in with both feet to try and work on this...

 

I agree with Wrencn, she will make no full honest effort while her love is split. Right now, the OM has most of her attention and loyalty.

 

Very likely she blames you for the affair, just as you seem to be blaming yourself at least in part. This is wrong.

 

You don't deserve to be cheated on, no one does. The way I came to grips with this was to separate my wife's decision to cheat from the rest of our marriage and place the blame for her cheating where it belonged, on her and her alone. The cheating happened outside the marriage. The rest of our marriage I took half the blame for--there are two people and each owns half the marriage, so each gets half the blame.

 

You can dig around in the muck of the past and cry over the regrets and "should haves" but really, in the end you're both adults and both responsible for half of the marriage. You can't change the past but you can try to learn from it, so some introspection is useful here, but don't get lost in it, you could spend the rest of your life regretting a few years in the past if you do.

[What_Next]

She's in bed with our child right now. She was spent emotionally and physically. It was tough to see her like that. This was the toughest day yet.

 

We didn't continue the discussion about us. We were both too tired and it would have served no purpose. Most of the day she was in an odd pattern of behavior. She kept coming to me, wanting to be near me etc. Very strange. The more I think about it, the more I realize it was very similiar about 3 yrs ago when I discovered the other EA she had.

 

Right now though there are bigger things at play. Namely our child. One comment I made to her tonight (my wife that is) is that we have to heal as a FAMILY and as a COUPLE. Both have to occur.

 

I don't know what she did, but I am confident that if I wanted to push it further I'd get answers. It was an EA as far as I am concerned. However, right now, the priority for me is to help heal our 11 year old child.

 

She was in a fog, there is little doubt of that, she is out of that fog as far as I am concerned. What does this mean? Don't know.

 

I am still going to seperate our finances and I will continue to sleep in seperate rooms for now. The physical aspect is as strong as it ever was, well even stronger, not sure what to make of that either.

 

I'm open to continued comments and continued discussions. If you've been there, tell me so. I have no problem with brutal honesty.

[hopesndreams]

I am still going to seperate our finances and I will continue to sleep in seperate rooms for now. The physical aspect is as strong as it ever was, well even stronger, not sure what to make of that either.

 

It's called hysterical bonding. Very common. It likes the calm before the storm.

[What_Next]

Hopesndreams could you elaborate a little? I did a quick bit of research and I am not sure if applies in our case. It might though.

 

One of the things that has been happening recently is the re-introduction of kissing and holding. It's been missing for YEARS. We used to kiss so much I though I'd pull her lips off. It's back with avengence. It is so intimate.

 

Is this a phase? Is this a coy attempt by her to slay me?

[hopesndreams]

Hopesndreams could you elaborate a little? I did a quick bit of research and I am not sure if applies in our case. It might though.

 

One of the things that has been happening recently is the re-introduction of kissing and holding. It's been missing for YEARS. We used to kiss so much I though I'd pull her lips off. It's back with avengence. It is so intimate.

 

Is this a phase? Is this a coy attempt by her to slay me?

 

Yes, it most likely is a phase. Enjoy it while it lasts. Or, stop it. It's up to you. This kinda stuff is not bringing you both closer together. It is a smokescreen for the real problems in the M. Problem being she is a cheater and that's not being addressed.

 

It's an escape. Also, there is no way to be able to continue that sort of exaggerated passion indefinitely.

 

I, personally, don't believe in such things as EA. When 2 people that get together that connect emotionally; the physical happens. Whether that takes place in a hotel room or a 10 minute quickie behind the bushes or in a car. That's the way the world spins.

[Corporate]

I, personally, don't believe in such things as EA. When 2 people that get together that connect emotionally; the physical happens. Whether that takes place in a hotel room or a 10 minute quickie behind the bushes or in a car. That's the way the world spins.

 

I kept telling him that, but it seems that he is ignoring me, in denial, or just want to keep his head in the sand by saying:

 

I don't know what she did, but I am confident that if I wanted to push it further I'd get answers. It was an EA as far as I am concerned.

 

He totally ignored my advice to get tested for STDs and HIV probably wishing that they just kissed or they used a condom.

[hurt and devastated]

I, personally, don't believe in such things as EA. When 2 people that get together that connect emotionally; the physical happens. Whether that takes place in a hotel room or a 10 minute quickie behind the bushes or in a car. That's the way the world spins.

 

I actually have a bit of experience in this field. Not me, but, you guessed it.....my wife. There was a time last October where I got someone from Missouri adding me as a friend on Facebook. Said her husband and my wife were exchanging dirty e-mails, pictures, talking on the phone, etc.... After actually seeing her pics and verifying they were really her, I confronted her with them. She told me it was just her needing to feel wanted, and he was telling her what she wanted to hear, blah, blah, blah. I'm not sure if it would have ever escalated to a PA if they hadn't been caught or not. And before you let fly with a broadside at me for not seeing the pattern repeat this last time, or letting things get to that point again, I know I should have fixed it right then and there, and I tried, but my dumba** self let me slide back into the way I was always doing things. Stupid move on my part.

[hopesndreams]

I actually have a bit of experience in this field. Not me, but, you guessed it.....my wife. There was a time last October where I got someone from Missouri adding me as a friend on Facebook. Said her husband and my wife were exchanging dirty e-mails, pictures, talking on the phone, etc.... After actually seeing her pics and verifying they were really her, I confronted her with them. She told me it was just her needing to feel wanted, and he was telling her what she wanted to hear, blah, blah, blah. I'm not sure if it would have ever escalated to a PA if they hadn't been caught or not. And before you let fly with a broadside at me for not seeing the pattern repeat this last time, or letting things get to that point again, I know I should have fixed it right then and there, and I tried, but my dumba** self let me slide back into the way I was always doing things. Stupid move on my part.

 

I don't broadside anyone on these boards. I can be a bit blunt at times but that's only because it has more impact on those seeking advice.

 

I have a bit of experience with this myself. I'm not talking out of my arse. I, too, was led to believe there was only an EA going on in my M. I was dead wrong and by the time it was figured out, by me, it was much too late. The shock of him actually having a PA would have been too much for me to bear, in the beginning, so my head went deep into the sand. Once the head came out of the sand, the full impact of what was really going on devastated me beyond belief. Things escalated pretty quickly after that. The day he left to go live with his MOW, he still swore up and down they only kissed.

 

Dday was February 12, 2009. We parted ways April 15, 2009. 10 years, with a man I loved, trusted and would have died for, gone, over, kaput in just 2 little months.

[habs53]

I don't broadside anyone on these boards. I can be a bit blunt at times but that's only because it has more impact on those seeking advice.

 

I have a bit of experience with this myself. I'm not talking out of my arse. I, too, was led to believe there was only an EA going on in my M. I was dead wrong and by the time it was figured out, by me, it was much too late. The shock of him actually having a PA would have been too much for me to bear, in the beginning, so my head went deep into the sand. Once the head came out of the sand, the full impact of what was really going on devastated me beyond belief. Things escalated pretty quickly after that. The day he left to go live with his MOW, he still swore up and down they only kissed.

 

Dday was February 12, 2009. We parted ways April 15, 2009. 10 years, with a man I loved, trusted and would have died for, gone, over, kaput in just 2 little months.

Once a liar always a liar. Once a cheater always a cheater.

[eeyore1981]

Once a liar always a liar. Once a cheater always a cheater.

 

I don't believe that is true. I believe a person can change if they want to.

[What_Next]

Thanks everyone for all the replies. I have a lot to think about. I have more questions to ask and I will search for more answers. For the time being I am staying devoted to helping our child heal.

 

For the record Corporate I am not ignoring what you have posted, rather ignoring you. I have said on numerous occasions that you have nothing of any value to add to an adult conversation and I mean it. I would ask that you NOT post in this thread anymore, I simply do not want to read anything you have to say. I came here to get advice from and share my experiences with adults, not children.

[wrencn]

I don't believe that is true. I believe a person can change if they want to.

I have to agree with you. I am not the same person I was before. Not even close.

[spriggig]

...Said her husband and my wife were exchanging dirty e-mails, pictures, talking on the phone, etc.... After actually seeing her pics and verifying they were really her, I confronted her with them. She told me it was just her needing to feel wanted, and he was telling her what she wanted to hear, blah, blah, blah. I'm not sure if it would have ever escalated to a PA if they hadn't been caught or not...

 

My wife actually followed through with plans to visit her online EA (dirty pictures, sex chats) OM AFTER I caught her. She had just bought the plane tickets two days before D-Day with money he sent her. She left me and her 11 year old son behind and stayed with him for two weeks. When she got home she still claimed she didn't have sex with him, but, get this, she left new lingerie alone in her luggage in the living room for me to find.

 

They want you to know, but they don't want to tell you.

[Corporate]

 

For the record Corporate I am not ignoring what you have posted, rather ignoring you. I have said on numerous occasions that you have nothing of any value to add to an adult conversation and I mean it. I would ask that you NOT post in this thread anymore, I simply do not want to read anything you have to say. I came here to get advice from and share my experiences with adults, not children.

 

Why are you being mean to me?

[What_Next]

They want you to know, but they don't want to tell you.

 

That is a true statement spriggig. Very true. I am hanging back and keeping my eyes wide open at this point.

 

My focus will continue to be our child though, that is what is important now.

[habs53]

That is a true statement spriggig. Very true. I am hanging back and keeping my eyes wide open at this point.

 

My focus will continue to be our child though, that is what is important now.

Well, i have been told that never believe a woman in this state. Never. That was told to me by a woman.

[What_Next]

Well, i have been told that never believe a woman in this state. Never. That was told to me by a woman.

 

Oh that I know. I'll believe NONE of what I hear from her and 1/2 of what I see. She now knows her cell is no longer her lifeline to whatever she was doing. I am an IT professional and have been for over 15 years, she would not DARE try to use a PC anywhere for it. I'm not 100% sure what was going on, and I WILL find out in my own time.

 

Like I said I really could care less right now, if we can manage to stay civil towards each other for the time being I want to work on our child first.

[habs53]

Oh that I know. I'll believe NONE of what I hear from her and 1/2 of what I see. She now knows her cell is no longer her lifeline to whatever she was doing. I am an IT professional and have been for over 15 years, she would not DARE try to use a PC anywhere for it. I'm not 100% sure what was going on, and I WILL find out in my own time.

 

Like I said I really could care less right now, if we can manage to stay civil towards each other for the time being I want to work on our child first.

You got it together. Way more than her. Hang in there.

[tojaz]

Tojaz, Gunny, anyone....

 

My apologies W_N, I am on vacation and haven't been checking LS, I will be back in the mix full time tomorrow. In the mean time, keep in mind that I warned you that the pendelum would continue to swing and you would have to be prepared to go along for the ride. Drawing a line in the sand just breeds further confrontation and that is not what your looking for. Your looking for open communication free of pressure and defensiveness. Shes trying, and i think you know that. It took a lot for her, a lot of stress and pressure that went on behind the scenes long before she brought it to your attention the problems and concerns in your marriage and its going to take an equal amount to bring her back. Stay supportive even when shes not, stay calm, even when shes not. Anything else just gives her more ammunition to use against you.

 

For the record Corporate I am not ignoring what you have posted, rather ignoring you. I have said on numerous occasions that you have nothing of any value to add to an adult conversation and I mean it. I would ask that you NOT post in this thread anymore, I simply do not want to read anything you have to say. I came here to get advice from and share my experiences with adults, not children.

 

Corporate! Funny, I offered you an open invitation to harass me all you like, yet you choose to go where your not wanted. If I give you some Chocolate will you leave these nice folks alone??????

 

TOJAZ

[Corporate]

 

Corporate! Funny, I offered you an open invitation to harass me all you like, yet you choose to go where your not wanted. If I give you some Chocolate will you leave these nice folks alone??????

 

TOJAZ

 

I am offended by this!

 

Stop treating me like some chocoholic kid. I am going to get me some milk and then take a nap.

[What_Next]

Tojaz, you are right the pendelum still swings from time to time.

 

No worries about "our friend" tojaz, if you don't feed the trolls they generally go away. Or least find others their own age to play with .

 

Things are progressing well between my wife and I. I've fully moved back into our room and we are sleeping in the same bed. The rest of the weekend was uneventful. We've both been trying our best to talk to our daughter and show her that things like she saw WILL NEVER happen again.

 

Our child has been our primary focus and the irony is that it has taken the pressure off "us" and that has helped a lot. My wife is slowly beginning to open up to me and her behavior is a complete 180 (more irony). She wants to be with me constantly.

 

We have miles and miles more to go, and the outcome is definitely not certain but we are slowly beginning to repair the massive amount of damage that has been done.

[gobbleguts]

Awesome Whats Next!!! I'm kinda jealous...the good thing is there is a forum to help me deal with my jealousy. lol

[wrencn]

You both want to work on the marriage. That is key! I'm so happy for you What_Next. If my husband and I slept in the same bed again, I might stay up all night watching him sleep like I did with my boys when they were babies lol. Best of luck to you, you've made me smile and given me hope.