What next

[What_Next]

If my husband and I slept in the same bed again, I might stay up all night watching him sleep like I did with my boys when they were babies lol.

 

I've done that over the past 2 nights, just lied there and watched her sleep. It felt great.

 

Hang in there, wrencn and gobbleguts, sometimes the gods do smile. One thing I can say is that this experience has changed our marriage FOREVER.

[wrencn]

I'm kinda jealous...the good thing is there is a forum to help me deal with my jealousy. lol

haha, and the hits just keep on coming . I'm envious too GG- don't feel bad.

[Corporate]

I've done that over the past 2 nights, just lied there and watched her sleep. It felt great.

 

Hang in there, wrencn and gobbleguts, sometimes the gods do smile. One thing I can say is that this experience has changed our marriage FOREVER.

 

 

Why have you not addressed the STD issues?

 

Are you going to take face value of her story that she drove all the way there just to chat, or that protection was used?

Edited July 14, 2010 by Corporate

[What_Next]

Corporate, it's been said in this thread more than once and from what I have read all over LS, go away. Please leave the adult conversations to the adults. I cannot make it anymore blunt than I am posting, go away.

 

Your posts are of NO VALUE WHATSOEVER. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO OFFER. I'll ignore any further posts from you.

 

On a side note now that the troll has been fed, tonight was a rough night in that I had a long day at work and we had to deal with some household issues. Bloody ants... Normally this would have been cause for trouble between my wife and I. However, we worked together as a team, we communicated effectively and it was fantastic. The night ended with me giving my wife a back rub and her realizing I was not going to sleep right away and letting me do my thing.

 

I've learned so much about myself and the human condition throughout this experience it amazes me. It's nice to know we aren't alone, it's nice to know that perhaps someone, somewhere could read this entire thread and gain some perspective and dare I say it, hope from it.

[habs53]

Corporate, it's been said in this thread more than once and from what I have read all over LS, go away. Please leave the adult conversations to the adults. I cannot make it anymore blunt than I am posting, go away.

 

Your posts are of NO VALUE WHATSOEVER. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO OFFER. I'll ignore any further posts from you.

 

On a side note now that the troll has been fed, tonight was a rough night in that I had a long day at work and we had to deal with some household issues. Bloody ants... Normally this would have been cause for trouble between my wife and I. However, we worked together as a team, we communicated effectively and it was fantastic. The night ended with me giving my wife a back rub and her realizing I was not going to sleep right away and letting me do my thing.

 

I've learned so much about myself and the human condition throughout this experience it amazes me. It's nice to know we aren't alone, it's nice to know that perhaps someone, somewhere could read this entire thread and gain some perspective and dare I say it, hope from it.

Truly amazing my friend. Really seems like this turned your wife for the better. Changed both of you. Obviously she still loved you very much.

[tojaz]

I am offended by this!

 

Stop treating me like some chocoholic kid. I am going to get me some milk and then take a nap.

 

If you are offended then use the alert button. Thats what I just did.

 

Tojaz, you are right the pendelum still swings from time to time.

 

No worries about "our friend" tojaz, if you don't feed the trolls they generally go away. Or least find others their own age to play with .

 

Things are progressing well between my wife and I. I've fully moved back into our room and we are sleeping in the same bed. The rest of the weekend was uneventful. We've both been trying our best to talk to our daughter and show her that things like she saw WILL NEVER happen again.

 

Our child has been our primary focus and the irony is that it has taken the pressure off "us" and that has helped a lot. My wife is slowly beginning to open up to me and her behavior is a complete 180 (more irony). She wants to be with me constantly.

 

We have miles and miles more to go, and the outcome is definitely not certain but we are slowly beginning to repair the massive amount of damage that has been done.

 

Great news W_N and glad to see your back on track.

 

TOJAZ

[What_Next]

I figured I'd give an update on things. I am happy to report that things are progressing very well.

 

From my side I am continuing to show my wife and attentive, compassionate, caring and consistent "me". I've found it quite easy to maintain and the results are largely positive. My wife notices it, comments on it and responds.

 

From her side she is trying to open up more, although it is coming very slowly. We are starting with just being involved on a day to day basis.

 

I am also happy to report that our daughter is happier and although she is reserved about it, for the first time in a LONG time she is seeing what a healthy marriage can look like. She still finds it odd that "mommy and daddy" smooch so much, but too bad...

 

We've kept away from heavy subjects for now, that will come in time. We are planning our vacation which comes in 1 week from now.

 

We are definitely not there yet, but ever day provides a chance to keep putting our feet forward.

 

That's it for now.

[habs53]

Good stuff my friend.

[Corporate]

 

From her side she is trying to open up more, although it is coming very slowly.

 

We've kept away from heavy subjects for now, that will come in time.

 

I hope that includes her full disclosure about what happened during her "trip" to see this OM.

[What_Next]

Corporate I am not sure how many more times I can say it, PLEASE PLEASE go away, your posts are of no value whatsoever. You have been told this by members of LS in many threads. Please steer clear of adult conversations.

 

I have one thing to add, as I had said I would I have kept my bed downstairs "just in case". On Saturday night I was working very late and had a few too many, when I looked at the clock it was VERY late so I decided just to crash downstairs. Mainly to avoid potentially waking up my wife. Also I figured in my condition I might smash into something and break it while going up the stairs .

 

On Sunday morning she came downstairs and asked why I had slept there. She was not fully upset but it did bother her. She did mention it a few times on Sunday througout the day. Later in the afternoon on Sunday I was upstairs watching television and she came up for a nap. I turned the TV off and we laid together for a while. Eventually I got up because I was tossing and turning. She came out pretty soon after stating she could not sleep without me in the bed.

 

I did ask her about it, and she admitted she finds it VERY hard to sleep in the bed alone. While we were going through the darkest moments she said she just needed another person in the bed with her (our daugther), but she has since admitted without me in the bed she just cannot sleep.

 

She has said how many sleepless nights she had when I was sleeping downstairs. Funny that some nights when I was downstairs I slept like a baby...

[tojaz]

This is all great news W_N and I really needed a pick me up today and that will do nicely!

 

TOJAZ

[RobD70]

I hope that includes her full disclosure about what happened during her "trip" to see this OM.

I'm sorry but I'm afraid Corp has a point. There is good reason to be suspicious of that weekend.

 

If she was at the OM's place then you can assume you have a PA on your hands. No guy is going to have a woman he's at least having a EA with stay the weekend with him and not make a move on her. If he did and she rejected him odds are she would had left early and/or stop communicating as much. Things would had turned awkward.

 

I'm glad things are going well but you are not out of the woods yet. The first time my wife and I reconciled we were together for 6 months before the OM showed his head again and she took off when I confronted her. Getting over an EA/PA doesn't happen overnight.

 

Good luck and keep updating. I just found this thread and it was an interesting read. Like Corp though, I knew form the beginning there was someone else involved. There always is.

[What_Next]

Rob, thank you for your post. I have not 100% confirmed her trip on the weekend she was gone but I do have some third hand information that she was out for a girls weekend as she had said she was. Therefore it is almost sure there was no PA. You can never be 100% sure without video footage anyway, so I'll keep digging myself in the meantime.

 

I have little doubt there was a EA, in fact I am pretty much sure of that. We have not dealt with it fully yet, but we will. I am also not 100% sure that the communication with this person has ended, but I do know there is little chance for her to engage in it. Besides if she wanted to continue it, I couldn't stop it anyway, you can't be with someone 24 hrs a day and I don't want to be in a relationship where I needed to be anyway.

 

Looking backward at the state of our marriage honestly I feel as though if the chance presented itself to me to get involved in an EA I can't say I wouldn't have. Does this justify what I believe she might have done? Hell no, but that fact is that fact. I cannot deny it.

 

Some days like today I am angry about the entire sequence of events; but anger won't help me right now. I can say that right now our marriage is improving. Also I (yes ME) am continuing to learn to be a better husband (mate) and person. That is of a higher value to me at this time, as my child and even my wife deserve that.

 

I'll be blunt and say the way I feel right now is that our marriage may not survive in the long term. I just cannot think that far out right now. My child and I had another long talk last night and she is feeling much better about things and for me that is all I can ask for.

Edited July 21, 2010 by What_Next

[spriggig]

I have little doubt there was a EA, in fact I am pretty much sure of that. We have not dealt with it fully yet, but we will. I am also not 100% sure that the communication with this person has ended, but I do know there is little chance for her to engage in it. Besides if she wanted to continue it, I couldn't stop it anyway, you can't be with someone 24 hrs a day and I don't want to be in a relationship where I needed to be anyway.

 

You said the timing isn't right, and I realize this is sensitive, but couldn't this be standing in the way of further reconciliation? It seems to me that this is either addressed or you two split up. The sooner it's discussed the better, it seems to me.

[What_Next]

Spriggig, you are correct. It is somewhat standing in the way for me at least.

 

As much as it pains me to say I, I don't know if I could even trust her answers if I did ask the questions. One of the biggest problems is that I think she believes that an EA is not an affair and is not really a problem.

 

I am going to have to do my own research first to figure out if there is anything at all going on. I don't think there is anymore but I need to be sure for my own peace of mind.

 

I've been doing research on voice activated recorders and I think I may get one and setup a bit of a trap. I am having a VERY tough time with this though. If I feel as though I have to go to this length is it even worth it to carry on? I wish I could answer that question because today I just cannot.

[tojaz]

W_N, you have to do what you need to in order to build trust, but I would suggest talking about it first, and allowing her to be honest before resorting to spying. Trust needs to be rebuilt and if you dont give her a chance to prove you can trust her, you never will.

 

TOJAZ

[spriggig]

The problem with spying is that if you don't find anything you're tempted to think that you didn't look hard enough.

 

Spying is useful for gathering details on what you know is already happening. To provide impetus to take the next hard steps--kicking them out, filing for divorce, etc.

 

Spying is not a good way to regain lost trust.

[What_Next]

Thanks to you both for your posts. I agree with what you both have said. Spriggig especially what you posted. I am NOT going to go forward with any voice recorder or anything similiar, it does nothing to rebuild my trust.

 

The key will be to sit down and talk it over with her and look into her heart and try and believe. I'll know. I'll know.

 

Tonight was hard, this was weighing VERY heavy on me. As much as I tried to keep it inside it did show. My wife knew something was on my mind. She and our child went out to buy her a book and normally they'd head off and go do their thing. Well she made a point of saying when they'd be back and even called while they were away to give me an update as to their ETA back home. Very strange for my wife, but I know where it is coming from. She is TRYING very hard to regain my trust. It's her own way of doing things, but she is trying. I appreciate that.

 

I'm still downstairs and will likely sleep down here tonight. My wife has come downstairs 3 times tonight to try and talk to me, but I just don't want to right now. I'm really not ready to say much to her right now.

 

I had a yet another fantastic talk with our child tonight. We talked for almost an hour about every subject under the sun. I also discussed with her again the fact that I just don't know what will happen with her mother and I. She was understanding and even comforting.

 

I am finally beginning to realize the full weight of this situation. As much as I have been saying it all along, I don't think I fully grasped the time it is going to take to rebuild our marriage. I think deep down that is what is bothering me today, the time. After almost a lifetime together it seems that another lifetime might be required to fix things. The thing is, I'm not a cat with 9 lives, I've but one and I need to decide FAST how I would like it to turn out.

 

Yikes.

[What_Next]

Over the last few days I've been getting somewhat annoyed with things for a few reasons. First there has been almost no effort on my wives part to try and set aside some time for "us". I know I should try as well, but I've left some things to my wife and I felt as though she wasn't doing her part.

 

In addition my job has been very stressful this week and I had let her know that this was the case and I might need someone to talk to. No response...

 

Anyway, last night was sort of a breaking point for me, I was super annoyed and she sensed it. Twice she did at least try and come to talk to me but the minute she did our daughter was right there, stuck to us like glue.. Hey, it happens.

 

Later into the evening we finally got a few minutes alone and we discussed things. Once again most of what was going on was poor communication between my wife and I. She had been trying to set aside time for "us", she just didn't tell me so. For instance just before bed she would go upstairs and watch television. Well fall asleep with the television on actually. She would usually find me and ask me if I was "coming to bed". Of course my answer was no, I'm not tired and I figured she just wanted to decompress and watch television for a while. I thought I was being nice.. It turns out this was a "signal" to spend some "us" time. Here's a thought, I can't read minds....

 

As usual during our discussion she said almost nothing, I'm used to that. Except for negative comments like "you are with the wrong woman", etc when I told her she WOULD have to change etc. She also said that she was still very uncomfortable with me being compassionate, caring, giving compliments etc, she said she still has a hard time believing me. Fair enough. I also told her that there were things that we are going to have to deal with and things we are going to have to talk about. She agreed. She did ask me if I was leaving or not a few times, she is still nervous that I am going to want out. I assured her that if we continue moving forward of course I wouldn't.

 

Who knew having a healthy marriage would be so much work

[trippi1432]

Who knew having a healthy marriage would be so much work

 

Just had to comment....any marriage is hard work, hardest "job" you will ever have, but can be the most fulfilling and rewarding "job" you will ever have.

 

Just remember, what you do for a living is temporary....who you spend your life with can be a permanent thing if you work harder on it than what you do for a living. Something I have learned along the way.

[spriggig]

I thought I was being nice.. It turns out this was a "signal" to spend some "us" time. Here's a thought, I can't read minds....

 

I think this plays out countless times across the globe every day--men missing women's attempts at intimate communication.

 

We have to learn to meet each other in the middle of the road on this.

[What_Next]

Trippi1432, you are very correct. Of course my comment was somewhat tongue in cheek. A healthy marriage doesn't just "happen" despite what many think.

 

Spriggig, you are also correct missing the signals and subtle behavioral cues of the female of the species seems to be a common trait amongst us knuckle dragging males. I've asked my wife to try and be a little more communicative, although I won't hold my breath....

[spriggig]

Trippi1432, you are very correct. Of course my comment was somewhat tongue in cheek. A healthy marriage doesn't just "happen" despite what many think.

 

Spriggig, you are also correct missing the signals and subtle behavioral cues of the female of the species seems to be a common trait amongst us knuckle dragging males. I've asked my wife to try and be a little more communicative, although I won't hold my breath....

 

I thought about this some more. This is how you meet her in the middle of the road.

 

I think what you need to do is maintain what would feel like to you a hypervigilance regarding your wife's emotional state. Every contact with her is an opportunity to update your data points on her state of mind. You notice first her body language and tone of voice and second, her words. Then you analyze it to death.

 

I think what would feel like constant vigilance to any man, is less than half of what women do every waking moment. Because men don't do this naturally, we seem selfish and stupid to women.

 

Also, I think you're going to have to carry more than half for a while--meaning this vigilance takes precedence over everything else but your kids.

[hopesndreams]

Who knew having a healthy marriage would be so much work

 

Cheaters are extremely poor communicators. You can't change them or make them see the light.

 

Except for negative comments like "you are with the wrong woman",

 

Red flag!!! In other words, it sounds like she's bailing.

[What_Next]

Hopesndreams, there's a nice positive post....

 

She's always been somewhat negative. If she is bailing, then so be it. I'm ready for that should it happen. There's little I can do to prevent that should she decide to go that route.