What next

[michaelhopes]

If youre' pretty sure there's no EA or PA going on here I'm going to throw something out there from left field.....Dont know your ages, but is it possible she is going thru menapause?

When my mom reached her early 50's she turned into a complete wack job for a couple of years. It was the first time I ever saw my USMC(ret.) dad with a worried look on his face because he couldnt explain my mom's screwed up behavior.

She didnt get along with anybody....didnt care about relationships, in fact sought to destroy them.....didnt care about her marriage,family....argued and bitched about everything.

Here is a woman that was always afraid to drive. She bought a police interceptor Crown Vic and drove around 80 mph+.....

Never expected this from a mom that was the clone of June Cleaver....

She's kind of normal now....

Just thought I'd throw this out there.....

[michaelhopes]

It looked like a divorce was coming several times.....my dad put up with her until the bizarre behavior faded......

My mom is 68....my dad passed away a couple of years ago

 

I would suggest that What Next not date or have anything to do with women until his head clears......

Edited August 14, 2010 by michaelhopes

[What_Next]

Michaelhopes, she did have at least 1 EA about 5 years ago. She might have been involved in a EA this time, but I never did get the proof. No PA that I have been able to prove either, but I am still digging.

 

She is 34 so it isn't menapause. It was a case of walk-away-wife syndrom pure and simple.

 

For now I am continuing to sleep downstairs. We argued this morning when she approached me and demanded to know why I am sleeping downstairs. It was not a long argument. I walked away. I did apologize to her for raising my voice and also to our child as I had promised her we would not argue any more.

 

I'm going to continue my course of limiting the contact right now.

[wrencn]

I am so sorry to hear that things are taking a turn for the worst W_N. I just wanna come slap your wife back into her senses. She's gonna miss you when you are gone. I hope she doesn't let it come to that. Sigh... But don't give up hope, just hang on. Separation is the pits!!!! THE PITS!!!!!

[tojaz]

Tojaz, I have completely given up trying to read her. She is playing head games and I will have none of it. If she is checking out, then you know what SO BE IT!!!!! Her choice of action was dis-respectful towards me. Period. Either she wears her rings or she doesn't; I can't control that one way or the other. What I can control is how I react.

 

Banner, I am only chatting with this person thus far. She knows my situation completely. I have been 100% honest and upfront with her. This is only a friendship thus far. The part that I am craving is conversation, not physical intimacy. She has NEVER been able to really carry on a conversation and I've always accepted that. Well I guess I have changed my mind on that to a certain degree.

 

No worries Tojaz I'm not about to run into a wall without my helmet on . I think hopesndreams coined it best, my heart and my head are at odds and my head is winning right now.

 

Michaelhopes, she did have at least 1 EA about 5 years ago. She might have been involved in a EA this time, but I never did get the proof. No PA that I have been able to prove either, but I am still digging.

 

She is 34 so it isn't menapause. It was a case of walk-away-wife syndrom pure and simple.

 

For now I am continuing to sleep downstairs. We argued this morning when she approached me and demanded to know why I am sleeping downstairs. It was not a long argument. I walked away. I did apologize to her for raising my voice and also to our child as I had promised her we would not argue any more.

 

I'm going to continue my course of limiting the contact right now.

 

Im putting both posts here for a reason WN. Your creating a toxic situation here. Remember I warned you that the patterns would repeat themselves? Well here is your very first post here.

 

 

For the past few years things have been getting worse, we both have been leading different lives, but under the same roof. We don't often fight as I grew up in a home where screaming matches were daily events. We did sometimes argue, but they generally went by without much issue. I would term it as we were coasting. Also as I have been learning not

uncommon.

 

Through largely work related events I became more and more stressed to the point where I had some anger management issues. I would pretty easily go off the deep end in frustration but often not show it. Usually I would go off by myself and self medicate; often with alcohol. While I don't think I have an issue the drink, it is something I need to prevent from happening.

 

Here you come the full circle, she in your room (which in the begining you fought hard to retain) and you in the basement (which you had once coined a prison.) The roles have reversed. You are punishing her for not wearing her rings by leaving your room and staying in the basement. Going off by yourself. Then your going on LC forcing you both to Live seperate lives. Think about that for a moment. Your feeding the monster you had tried so hard to subdue! Its very counterproductive if you ask me.

 

We have all seen that communication is lacking, and now the rift widens because you are seeking that communication with another. Thats how EA's start my friend regardless if your looking for it or not, its a slippery slope! If you don't believe me, would you let your wife read your communication with this woman? If not, then theres probably a good reason for that.

 

Insanity is often described as doing something over and over and expecting a different outcome, what your doing is driving that wedge deeper between you, if you have decided thats what you want, fine, if not, its time to try something else. And the tools are right in front of you.

 

Communication! You have before you a lesson. She wronged you, you wronged her and you both are failing to see the others side, communication has broken down. Your the one thats learning here so its up to you to take the lead here.

 

1. Trust (or at least give the benefit of the doubt)that she is telling the truth as to why she isn't wearing her rings rather then assuming the worst. (fingers do swell, I'm 32 and under the right conditions my ring wouldn't fit either.)

 

2. Explain why the rings are so important to you and what it makes you feel to see her leaving them at home, as well as why you felt the need to sleep in the basement.

 

3. ASK and really listen to why she was upset you chose to sleep in the basement and how it made her feel.

 

4. Try to see it from her perspective rather then trying to get her to buy into yours. This isn't a trial but a free exchange between the two of you all view points and opinions have to be valued equally

 

5. Use your past communications with your friend as a learning tool. What makes it different, what makes it work and how do you apply that with your wife.

 

It sounds like an uphill battle, but if you can do this and keep doing it when you talk, she will pick up on the cues as well, the biggest issue with communication seems to be safety. The safety to know that your view point will be understood and welcomed even if not always agreed with. The safety to disagree.

 

TOJAZ

[What_Next]

Tojaz, your post is very well written and there is a lot of truth to it.

 

Yesterday we did argue again. She told me she was going to move out. Oddly enough my reaction was, "OK that's fine". I walked away. She then said our child was leaving with her. That's when things took a turn for the worse. I told her straight up our child was going NOWHERE! She WAS NOT taking her our of our childs home.

 

Things continued downhill some more and she basically threatened me with taking our child to her father's. Some switch went off inside of me. Throughout all of this we had comitted to NEVER EVER doing things like that with our child.

 

I left and am spending the night with my brother. I did calm down and we spoke over the phone and I let her know that I do not want to be married to her, I do not want to be her friend, I don't really want her in my life anymore.

 

The last few months should have been avoided. I should have just started making plans to get out of the marriage back then.

 

She did admit that the way she treated me this week was not fair. She claimed that it was due to the fact that several of her family members had birthdays and she didn't even call them. I'm past even caring any more.

 

I'm both sad and happy at the same time, but the biggest emotion I am having is relief.

[What_Next]

Banner she is 11.

[What_Next]

Banner that is all fine advice. All throughout this process I have been talking to her already. My wife has communicated virtually nothing to her. I have been open with her and have kept her informed. I believe she does understand.

 

As for divorce, well it will eventually happen for sure. Right now we will take it day by day. Living under the same roof for now.

 

I can only speak for myself but I have no desire to speak ill of my wife to our child. I hope she does not.

 

The father daughter bond we have is VERY strong and I will do nothing to put that in harms way.

[habs53]

Hey buddy, just a thought on the ring being taken off. My wife stopped wearing her rings a week before she left. Probably wanted me to see this to show me she is gone. Who cares, tell her to stick her rings. Enough of her crap. Help her pack her clothes. She will regret this someday like the majority of them.

[hopesndreams]

Hey buddy, just a thought on the ring being taken off. My wife stopped wearing her rings a week before she left. Probably wanted me to see this to show me she is gone. Who cares, tell her to stick her rings. Enough of her crap. Help her pack her clothes. She will regret this someday like the majority of them.

 

She could be regretting it already. You've put your foot down and have made the decision for her. What she does with this is up to her. If all she has for you now is anger, blame shifting and a fresh batch of hot, new tears, then know you are making the right decision.

 

Keep in mind, it wasn't you that wanted out of the M, it was her.

 

Only a complete turnaround, on her part, at this point should be good enough. Anything less, is futile.

 

Don't make this easy for her. Don't give her all the time in the world to worm out of anything. She wants out? Show her the door. Be firm. She will see any kind of weakness and take advantage of it.

[BetweenHere&There]

Banner that is all fine advice. All throughout this process I have been talking to her already. My wife has communicated virtually nothing to her. I have been open with her and have kept her informed. I believe she does understand.

 

As for divorce, well it will eventually happen for sure. Right now we will take it day by day. Living under the same roof for now.

 

I can only speak for myself but I have no desire to speak ill of my wife to our child. I hope she does not.

 

The father daughter bond we have is VERY strong and I will do nothing to put that in harms way.

 

WN - I know this is a rough time for you and you have my deepest sympathy for what you are going through. As to your daughter, my parents split up when I was 12...I never really knew that they even fought - they rarely had harsh words in my presence, at least my father didn't exhibit them. My father and I had a very strong father/daughter bond; however, we did lose that bond for a while as he was "finding" himself and working through new relationships...not to say he was being selfish, those things were never his intent and he would still say today that our bond still held up during those times.

 

Having said this, there were hard times that he was not aware of due to his not being able to be there for me. It was very damaging to my childhood and it has taken us nearly 20 years to finally come to terms with that. Not that I loved him any less during those 20 years, but it took that long for him to realize that he could not protect me as a child due to his not being in the home and to understand what happened. We still have a very strong bond; however, I am lucky to have two wonderful fathers and mothers in my life today that I wouldn't trade for anything.

[Binster]

Get some legal advice -double quick you dont have to take it but find out your rights and responsibilities.

[What_Next]

Wow another outpouring of posts. Habs, you betcha bud. You betcha indeed. She will come to regret this. Hopesndreams you are also right. When I cam home today I treated her like a business associate. Compltely sterile. She didn't like it one bit.

 

I then "went out" and she asked me a few times where I was going. Of course I only told her out. I actually went to meet someone I met through a website to chat. Well I had a blast, so did she. We talked for about 3 hours. We plan on doing it again.

 

At this point there is legal advice needed nor could either her or I afford it.

 

She is confused and for now I like it that way.

[spriggig]

If she won't come out from behind her wall, there is no reason for you to stand out there like a patsy.

[HopelessinDTW]

Wow another outpouring of posts. Habs, you betcha bud. You betcha indeed. She will come to regret this. Hopesndreams you are also right. When I cam home today I treated her like a business associate. Compltely sterile. She didn't like it one bit.

 

I then "went out" and she asked me a few times where I was going. Of course I only told her out. I actually went to meet someone I met through a website to chat. Well I had a blast, so did she. We talked for about 3 hours. We plan on doing it again.

 

At this point there is legal advice needed nor could either her or I afford it.

 

She is confused and for now I like it that way.

 

W_N: Been following your thread for a while. One of the few ones that looked like it was going somewhere positive. Very sorry to see things are not going well at the moment. I hope you understand that you did all you could, and you should not feel that this is your fault. It seems like you're dealing with this ok...but not sure it's a good idea to "hang out" with someone at this time. She's just filling a hole left by your wife...not saying you're going too far...but just be careful. This is a very emotional time, and we have all done things that we regret. Keep up the unemotional contact, take care of yourself, and your daughter. Life will go on some way or another.

[What_Next]

HopelessinDTW, no worries, it was just conversation. Ironically she is going through a similiar thing to me in terms of a seperation. We just enjoyed each others company. Nothing more.

 

I am sure there were more than a few following along with this thread. You're right in saying it was one of the positive ones, but the road was too hard for her. I definitely did everything I could do. I'm not perfect and made mistakes but I did try my best.

 

I'm not going to feel any guilt over this whatsoever; not one single bit. I might have told her how I feel but she made the decision to check out of the marriage, NOT ME.

[HopelessinDTW]

HopelessinDTW, no worries, it was just conversation. Ironically she is going through a similiar thing to me in terms of a seperation. We just enjoyed each others company. Nothing more.

 

I am sure there were more than a few following along with this thread. You're right in saying it was one of the positive ones, but the road was too hard for her. I definitely did everything I could do. I'm not perfect and made mistakes but I did try my best.

 

I'm not going to feel any guilt over this whatsoever; not one single bit. I might have told her how I feel but she made the decision to check out of the marriage, NOT ME.

Hey, amn...good for you. We all need to realize that we can only control what's in our power. Whatever the wives are goig through is not our problem. My wife also checked out.. It took her less than a month to hook up with an old HS crush...and walla...over. No second chance, no hope for working things out. Oh, well..I'm sure in a few years she will figure out where she f'ed up. By then, I'll have moved on...in a much better place. I hope you the best. Stay strong, we have all tried our best...we need to just move on with our lives learning from all our mistakes.

 

Take Care

[What_Next]

So there's been a complete 180 in her behavior since my arrival back home yesterday. Her rings are glued to her fingers, she made sure I noticed that as well. She even came downstairs a bunch of times yesterday and hugged me. Something she hasn't done in what seems like years.

 

Last night she wanted to just "hold me" and she mentioned my new cologne, new appearance etc. She said that all the woman would love the way I look.

 

This morning she called me and was upbeat and even tried to joke. I was polite enough but matter of fact.

 

I wish I could say I felt something, but I don't. As soon as the phone went down I put her out of my mind.

 

This is getting out of hand. Up and down, round and round. I really wish we were in a financial position that I could leave.

[spriggig]

Sometimes "What Next?" is the innocent, sincere question you started out with, sometimes it's the exasperated, sarcastic question so many of us end up at.

 

The same question always lies behind it all, though. "Is this still worth the effort?" Whatever effort you're both still making, is it worth it?

[habs53]

So there's been a complete 180 in her behavior since my arrival back home yesterday. Her rings are glued to her fingers, she made sure I noticed that as well. She even came downstairs a bunch of times yesterday and hugged me. Something she hasn't done in what seems like years.

 

Last night she wanted to just "hold me" and she mentioned my new cologne, new appearance etc. She said that all the woman would love the way I look.

 

This morning she called me and was upbeat and even tried to joke. I was polite enough but matter of fact.

 

I wish I could say I felt something, but I don't. As soon as the phone went down I put her out of my mind.

 

This is getting out of hand. Up and down, round and round. I really wish we were in a financial position that I could leave.

You have become emotionally detached. Thats what happened to me. The trust is gone and she is going to be a very sorry person for a long time.

My son tells me im the happy one not his mother. She posts all these things on facebook of her being so happy. lol She barely put things on facebook before. Obviously she wants my family to see this. Simply trying to cover up her mistake.

Edited August 16, 2010 by habs53

[What_Next]

Business that is not entirely correct, I most certainly would not have been jumping for joy if she had of done those sort of things 2 weeks ago. If you read this thread fully through you can see the roller coaster we have been on.

 

There is no relationship or affair with this person, we met and chatted. That's all. There's no attraction there whatsoever.

 

You're off base.

[hopesndreams]

Business that is not entirely correct, I most certainly would not have been jumping for joy if she had of done those sort of things 2 weeks ago. If you read this thread fully through you can see the roller coaster we have been on.

 

There is no relationship or affair with this person, we met and chatted. That's all. There's no attraction there whatsoever.

 

You're off base.

 

Yep, off base and hiding behind a new user name.

[BetweenHere&There]

Hi WN - I think what Business is trying to say is that a couple of weeks ago you would have taken that as a better sign (her putting the rings back on)...maybe not jumping for joy.

 

True, this has been an emotional roller-coaster, but believe me...it doesn't stop once you decide to detach....the roller-coaster will still be there for a while after if you both decide to split. I think many here can attest to that.

[What_Next]

Hopesndreams, there must be something with this user that I am not aware of.

 

BetweenHere&There I am sure that you are right. However, I feel as though at least the emotional aspect as far my love for her has ended. I only strive to not hurt her anymore now.

 

Right now I am trying to maintain some distance and to remain civil. That is all we have to offer each other right now.

[spriggig]

Hmmm, Business? Corporate?