What next

[tojaz]

W_N, I was going to shy away for a little bit hoping things would cool down here. I'd like to suggest you take a step back for a moment. I read your posts and see the roller coaster running at mach 2. Calm down, gather yourself and get your emotions right now. What I'm seeing is a case of the best defense is a good offense. Not commonly true in matters of the heart.

 

Plenty of thoughts on this when you want to hear them. Dont let frustration get the better of you.

 

TOJAZ

[What_Next]

spriggig you could be right. If it is then that is easy enough to deal with

 

Tojaz, you have been my moral compass througout this ordeal. Don't hold back now. If you have thoughts then I'm all ears.

 

This weekend was a changing point for me. She threatened to take my child. Not acceptable to me. I don't care what else we've been through but that is a line. We crossed it. I said a lot as well, all totally unacceptable.

 

The bottom line is that we have both finally fell out of love for each other. All that is left are details as far I am concerned. I most definitely am calm though. I'll not hurt anymore. I've had enough of that for a lifetime.

 

Again I'm all ears.

[BetweenHere&There]

Hmmm, Business? Corporate?

 

Sounds plausible, but I hope not...I see the ignore user button coming in handy again if it gets like it did before. Sheesh....

[tojaz]

 

Tojaz, you have been my moral compass througout this ordeal. Don't hold back now. If you have thoughts then I'm all ears.

 

This weekend was a changing point for me. She threatened to take my child. Not acceptable to me. I don't care what else we've been through but that is a line. We crossed it. I said a lot as well, all totally unacceptable.

 

The bottom line is that we have both finally fell out of love for each other. All that is left are details as far I am concerned. I most definitely am calm though. I'll not hurt anymore. I've had enough of that for a lifetime.

 

Again I'm all ears.

 

You give me far to much credit W_N. In reading your posts of late, I see a lot of confusion, frustration, and panic. Someone who is in a situation beyond your control, both of you are, and both of you are trying to get that back by whatever means necessary.

 

I've read a lot of posts here and have seen it alot, and to be honest, i did it myself in my own D. She threw threats at you in an effort for herself to regain control of the situation and you responded in kind.

 

Very often that desire to regain control coupled with anger shows up like what I'm seeing here. A person who has been standing firm for his marriage, much of the time alone finally takes that final hit and in an effort of self preservation, decides that if its going to end that they will end it on their own terms.

 

She threatened to take your child and yes thats unacceptable, but don't confuse that bit of relief from restoring a bit of control to your life, for some sign that it has to end. When that moment passes more harm then good will have been done. Keep your perspective and if you really don't love her then you have to do whats best for you, but I doubt thats the case so quickly.

 

TOJAZ

[BetweenHere&There]

You give me far to much credit W_N. In reading your posts of late, I see a lot of confusion, frustration, and panic. Someone who is in a situation beyond your control, both of you are, and both of you are trying to get that back by whatever means necessary.

 

I've read a lot of posts here and have seen it alot, and to be honest, i did it myself in my own D. She threw threats at you in an effort for herself to regain control of the situation and you responded in kind.

 

Very often that desire to regain control coupled with anger shows up like what I'm seeing here. A person who has been standing firm for his marriage, much of the time alone finally takes that final hit and in an effort of self preservation, decides that if its going to end that they will end it on their own terms.

 

She threatened to take your child and yes thats unacceptable, but don't confuse that bit of relief from restoring a bit of control to your life, for some sign that it has to end. When that moment passes more harm then good will have been done. Keep your perspective and if you really don't love her then you have to do whats best for you, but I doubt thats the case so quickly.

 

TOJAZ

 

I'm just going to say this WN - ^^^^ Listen to this advice above. It's easier to agree with the masses that say give up and move on....but detachment and moving on are much harder than you think. It takes two to work it out...it takes two to make it work. Many will tell you it takes one to break it....in my opinion, she hasn't left yet...you haven't left yet and you have a child you both adore....that's more than some of us got. The single life isn't as good as you may think it is and as much as you might not like how things are going right now, you will think differently once you walk out that door.

 

My ex and I are amicable now and have come to terms with the end of our marriage because we learned how to forgive - things might have been different if we had learned that when we were still together. But there was a time he wanted back in. He gave up and walked out, he wanted back in but wouldn't give up his live-in girlfriend...that's when I gave up. She will have someone else in her life to act as a father to your daughter and you will have someone in your life to act as a mother to your daughter....is that what you think will make you happy - or do you think that a far worse thing to go through than what you are going through now?

 

Leaving the situation doesn't stop the roller-coaster.....it just speeds it up and gives you more spirals and loops.

[What_Next]

Tojaz, I understand what you are saying, but we can't even look at each any more. When we do all we see is hurt, pain and suffering. The only thing we can say to each other now is let's not try and hurt each other today.

 

BetweenHere&There, I also relate to what you are saying, but the alternative is our child seeing us both in a highly dysfunctional marriage and hurting each other. Is that ultimately a better situation for her to be in?

 

I've come to a realization over the past little while. It's OK to want to be happy. Also life is too short to be unhappy. I am in my mid 30's and I would like to find someone to be happy with. I thought that was my STBX, but it isn't. We just cannot learn to let go of the past and stop the pain we cause each other.

 

Some might see this as giving up, running, whatever you might want to call it. It is quite the opposite. I honestly want her to find someone to be happy with as well.

[BetweenHere&There]

Tojaz, I understand what you are saying, but we can't even look at each any more. When we do all we see is hurt, pain and suffering. The only thing we can say to each other now is let's not try and hurt each other today.

 

BetweenHere&There, I also relate to what you are saying, but the alternative is our child seeing us both in a highly dysfunctional marriage and hurting each other. Is that ultimately a better situation for her to be in?

 

I've come to a realization over the past little while. It's OK to want to be happy. Also life is too short to be unhappy. I am in my mid 30's and I would like to find someone to be happy with. I thought that was my STBX, but it isn't. We just cannot learn to let go of the past and stop the pain we cause each other.

 

Some might see this as giving up, running, whatever you might want to call it. It is quite the opposite. I honestly want her to find someone to be happy with as well.

 

Those were the EXACT same words my ex said when he walked out....the problem we had was communication, knowing how to treat each other better and acting like a family together. Every single discussion wound up in an argument about something I did eons ago that he harbored and never let go of...in retaliation, I would defend myself and bring up something he did that I harbored....yep...that's dysfunctional as H*ll.

 

We went to marriage counseling one time and the next time we had an argument, he tried to bring up a 10 year old event because he was on the losing edge of blowing $1000 on a gambling spree (money set aside for our bills). When he brought it up, I stated remember what our counselor said...stick to the current topic and not throw old events into each others faces. That definitely worked.....he packed up and left the next day stating the exact words you stated above.

 

Little known fact....if you don't know how to let the past go now with her...how do you expect to let the past with her go with someone else down the road? The dysfunction doesn't go away when the players change....it goes away when the players play by the rules.

[What_Next]

BetweenHere&There, I can let it go, but there is simply too much history, too much hurt, too much pain. The marriage is toxic, pure and simple.

 

I have learned so much througout this experience. My next relationship will all the much better because of this.

[hurt and devastated]

You give me far to much credit W_N

 

 

That's baloney. I wish I had half the analytical skills you have.

[What_Next]

Whomever suggested it, I think they were right. Same annoying user, different username. Oh well easy enough to block

[spriggig]

What_Next, you've chosen the path out, for your own sanity stick to it. This, too, is easier said than done. The ride is just beginning.

[What_Next]

Spriggig, well I am definitely at the end of the road as far as the marriage goes. Every other single thing is up in the air though.

 

It will be what it will be at this point. I'm moving on.

[tojaz]

Tojaz, I understand what you are saying, but we can't even look at each any more. When we do all we see is hurt, pain and suffering. The only thing we can say to each other now is let's not try and hurt each other today.

 

W_N I understand that, and your the one living it, not me, so I'm not going to make you defend your decision. Just someone who lived it and remember what it was like for me now that I'm a little closer to the other side. A year later, I'm not angry, and I miss my wife. I see things clearer because there isn't a veil of emotion clouding me and I'm not backed in a corner fighting for my life.

 

I say these things to many posters in your position so they don't blow the opportunities to save what they have. If you sift through my threads you will see that I learned the most after the dust had settled when it could do me no good. So if speaking up can help someone from missing that, I'm going to scream it from the rooftop. Most here don't want others to endure what we did, and the roller coaster rolls on long past divorce my friend. That relief is short lived.

 

That being said, and hoping you take some time to gather your thoughts before acting, whatever you decide I'm here to help.

 

That's baloney. I wish I had half the analytical skills you have.

 

HaHa appreciate the complimant Hurt, nothing analytical, just a bunch of lessons learned the hard way.

 

TOJAZ

[What_Next]

Tojaz, I've read many of your posts so I understand where you are coming from. I know I will miss her, but you know what I won't miss the marriage.

 

I'm not sure what the circumstances of the end of your marriage were, but if they were in any way similiar to mine then you should be able to empathize with me. WAW stikes again as far I see it. Now I certainly did my part to destroy our marriage as well. Then again I also did as much as I felt I could to help repair it.

 

I could go no further, it was effecting my health, my daughter, my well being, my job you name it. I need to move on. She senses it as well.

 

It's been over a week since I slept in our bed with her and as far I am concerned I will never sleep in the same bed with her again. I thought the day that I said this I would be in tears, but honestly I am more than OK with it. I want nothing but the best for her, I'm no longer angry, bitter or quick tempered about it. I just don't want to hurt her, nor be hurt any more.

 

I don't know what comes next (it's been a consistent theme throughout this thread), but we'll have to figure that out as wel go along.

[tojaz]

Tojaz, I've read many of your posts so I understand where you are coming from. I know I will miss her, but you know what I won't miss the marriage.

 

I'm not sure what the circumstances of the end of your marriage were, but if they were in any way similiar to mine then you should be able to empathize with me. WAW stikes again as far I see it. Now I certainly did my part to destroy our marriage as well. Then again I also did as much as I felt I could to help repair it.

 

I could go no further, it was effecting my health, my daughter, my well being, my job you name it. I need to move on. She senses it as well.

 

It's been over a week since I slept in our bed with her and as far I am concerned I will never sleep in the same bed with her again. I thought the day that I said this I would be in tears, but honestly I am more than OK with it. I want nothing but the best for her, I'm no longer angry, bitter or quick tempered about it. I just don't want to hurt her, nor be hurt any more.

 

I don't know what comes next (it's been a consistent theme throughout this thread), but we'll have to figure that out as wel go along.

 

 

Well W_N then were in a different boat. I havent even seen my ex in over a year, let alone shared a bed, a moment, anything. I still miss her, my marriage, my life. There was a time I felt as you do though and for me it did more damage then good.

 

As for whats next, thats in your hands my friend, you just have to let us know.

 

TOJAZ

[What_Next]

Tojaz, I'd like to hear what happened to you, for perspective's sake.

 

I am ready to move on. I don't know what will come next but it will be what it will be.

 

I am leaving town on Monday for business for a week and it will give me a chance to reflect on things. My decision is final in that I am officially done with the marriage. The only question is how we will end it.

 

Tojaz I'd like to buy you a virtual beer to say thanks for the advice, the support and the friendship.

 

I am going to continue to update this thread as things progress. It will be a LS legend by the time I'm done.

 

WAW 101... A college course.

[tojaz]

Tojaz, I'd like to hear what happened to you, for perspective's sake.

 

I am ready to move on. I don't know what will come next but it will be what it will be.

 

I am leaving town on Monday for business for a week and it will give me a chance to reflect on things. My decision is final in that I am officially done with the marriage. The only question is how we will end it.

 

Tojaz I'd like to buy you a virtual beer to say thanks for the advice, the support and the friendship.

 

I am going to continue to update this thread as things progress. It will be a LS legend by the time I'm done.

 

WAW 101... A college course.

 

My story and my time on LS started here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t190291/. The story has matured over time. If you click my name to the left there then go to my profile, under statistics you can see all my threads. PACK A LUNCH! or if you don't like reading that much I can try and type out the condensed version when I have some time.

 

Definitely keep posting. Youve been through hell and the healing is just as hard, if not harder.

 

TOJAZ

 

(oh and I prefer Killians )

[What_Next]

Tojaz, I will read your story. I did briefly read the first bit and it looks like you experienced a WAW as well. I am still shocked just how common that is.

 

A Killian's it is! On me!

 

Another day, another wrinkle. I contacted her to tell ask if she was OK. A simple text really. It all went downhill from there... She told me she was looking at an apartment this afternoon and she hoped it wouldn't hurt me.

 

I honestly think she was fishing. I called her right away and told her that no it doesn't hurt me in any way. In fact I am completely fine with her leaving. I told her that it was a bad idea right now. She told me what the rent was and I nearly laughed my a__ off. There is no way in hell she could afford it. The bottom line is we haven't even discussed where we will go, budgets, any financial matters.

 

I told her she would be better off to wait until we at least discussed our seperation and divorce. I let her know we needed to set ground rules for living under the same roof just for now. We have to allow time for my mother to find a place and for us to seperate in a smart fashion.

 

She agreed (well sort of).

 

I then sent her a message to say that I was happy we spoke. She then sent back a message

 

"What if I wanted to reconile. I am so confused".

 

She did the same thing this past Saturday. She only says this when I tell her that I am done with our marriage and her. I told her NO that we should not try and reconcile. I told her I already tried and I am ready to move on.

 

I am sick of these head games and tired of the bull****. I wish I could move today, but the reality is we have to stay put for the short term.

 

Has anyone else experienced something like this?

[hopesndreams]

Tojaz, I will read your story. I did briefly read the first bit and it looks like you experienced a WAW as well. I am still shocked just how common that is.

 

A Killian's it is! On me!

 

Another day, another wrinkle. I contacted her to tell ask if she was OK. A simple text really. It all went downhill from there... She told me she was looking at an apartment this afternoon and she hoped it wouldn't hurt me.

 

I honestly think she was fishing. I called her right away and told her that no it doesn't hurt me in any way. In fact I am completely fine with her leaving. I told her that it was a bad idea right now. She told me what the rent was and I nearly laughed my a__ off. There is no way in hell she could afford it. The bottom line is we haven't even discussed where we will go, budgets, any financial matters.

 

I told her she would be better off to wait until we at least discussed our seperation and divorce. I let her know we needed to set ground rules for living under the same roof just for now. We have to allow time for my mother to find a place and for us to seperate in a smart fashion.

 

She agreed (well sort of).

 

I then sent her a message to say that I was happy we spoke. She then sent back a message

 

"What if I wanted to reconile. I am so confused".

 

She did the same thing this past Saturday. She only says this when I tell her that I am done with our marriage and her. I told her NO that we should not try and reconcile. I told her I already tried and I am ready to move on.

 

I am sick of these head games and tired of the bull****. I wish I could move today, but the reality is we have to stay put for the short term.

 

Has anyone else experienced something like this?

 

If there is no house to sell, help get her that apartment, first and last only. Let her OM deal with her financial needs and every other need after that. The sooner you cut away the cancer, the better.

[What_Next]

Hopesndreams there are no assets as such. We went. There is debt to divide, that's about it....

 

There's no OM for her. Her little EA, even if there was one, is long over. She no longer has a death grip on her phone.. Not that I care anyway.

 

Our marriage was toxic, it's 100% over. I'll never even consider continuing on with her.

 

I was just wondering if anyone else's WAW had went full circle.

 

After I told her no and that I felt awful for saying it to her, she replied with

 

"don't feel awful. i brought it on myself..i was pushing you away for so long".

 

All you WAW's out there READ THAT TEXT!!! Read it before you act. Remember that if you chose to go down that road don't expect your SO to be sitting there on the bench waiting for you. I told her that I would NOT put my life on hold forever. I meant it.

[hopesndreams]

I'm of the belief that if there is no infidelity, no abuse of any kind, a M can be saved.

 

She doesn't dislike you. You are not a monster. So, why is she giving up? Why is she choosing to be a single mum? What is she looking for eh?

 

If, and that is a big IF, there is no OM, what she is looking for is trying out other men?

 

Get the ball rolling on this. Make strides!!! If you want this M, make her SEE what and who she is giving up and the only way to do that, is calling her bluff. Get her bags packed, get the listings for apartments out, and bid her farewell. Do this before she has chance to wrap her head around it and come to terms with it.

 

How long are you giving her? Do you have a time limit?

[What_Next]

Hopesndreams, I think you mis-understood. I'm giving her NOTHING. It's over, done, finished. There is no reconiliation.

 

She was involved in a EA years ago that I discovered. We never repaired the trust. There is NO communication. There is little physical attraction on my part towards her. There's too much damage. She won't admit it but I have a strong feeling there was another EA (might have even been a PA) recently.

 

She'll see what she is giving up. She has already seen it. She has noticed my changes in appearance. She has notice the new clothes, new cologone etc. I didn't do any of that for her; it was for me.

 

I've never cheated, nor would I. I am just not in a position today to get all the details done. We have to go over them all and make smart decisions.

 

I'm moving on. I will be actively dating. Nothing serious but I've been unhappy for long enough. I've been without adult conversation for long enough. She will have to deal with it.

[hopesndreams]

I will be actively dating.

 

HUGE mistake.

 

You will both be living under the same roof. Don't do this. It's detrimental to your emotional well being. Take the time to be on your own and heal properly. If you don't, there is good chance you could end up with someone even worse than your W.

 

You can get conversation from other adults without the romantic part thrown in. You are not ready to actively date. It was only a month ago that you were over the moon with the way things were progressing well with your W.

 

I sense your impatience and frustration.

 

If you are, without a shadow of a doubt, ready to be done with the M, get her out of your house. Live separately. NOW. However way that is feasible.

[What_Next]

hopesndreams I suspect you are right about dating. However, I honestly desire adult conversation and having fun again. I also love women... What can I say I'm male.

 

I'm not looking for anything serious. Not yet, likely not for a long time.

 

I personally think I am ready to date. Is it too soon? Likely, but this is my way to heal right now. Sitting around in a room by myself and with only my thoughts is going to help NO ONE, least of all me.

 

I've done enough thinking and wishing, and barking at the moon.

 

Tell you what, I'll introduce anyone I meet to you for screening....

[hopesndreams]

Tell you what, I'll introduce anyone I meet to you for screening....

 

Uh, yeah, like I'm a good judge.