What next

[BetweenHere&There]

BetweenHere&there your post is very thoughtful and well put. I thank you for it.

 

Today started very odd. Very early this morning I was woken up by my wife hitting me in the chest. Not entirely abnormal as I do snore. I fell asleep again and woke up later; alone. Well I came downstairs and I knew something was wrong. I asked her about it, she said everything was fine. I left the room telling her I guess nothing had really changed. She chased me and she went on to say that apparently she had dreams about me leaving her for the woman I was talking to on the phone the other night.

 

The discussion got VERY heated with her exclaiming that she had been having nightmares about me leaving her for YEARS. Apparently most of it surrounded some girl that I had feelings for back when I was like 17. It was very surreal. The conversation turned into an argument and I eventually told her I should leave and get some air. I left and went to my office. We continued to talk via text and we got some things out in the open.

 

I realized she has been hanging on to things from our past, from our DISTANT past, like 20 years ago. It really surprised me.

 

We did talk throughout the day. It did get better.

 

However, tonight it all hit me like a hammer again. I decided to sleep downstairs again.

 

 

I am leaving for a business trip tomorrow, I honestly need the weeks rest.

 

I don't find that her behavior is very abnormal at this point W_N - in my 15 year relationship, my ex proclaimed he would never leave me...I didn't worry too much about other women because I believed him. Two months before he left, he announced that he would most likely leave me after I recovered from a surgery I was scheduled to have due to my requesting we have a date night. He had been dropping clues for months, but never really came out and said that he wanted to save our marriage or end it during that time. Up to then, I never really felt anything about him had changed...still the same person, still caught up in living life in the past....still caught up in his old habits.

 

As a wife, that was my first realization that shook me to my core....that he would leave....that he could leave and that he could hurt me and our child; taking with him the marriage foundation by doing that. Naturally, I started looking for evidence....that fear crept in that there was someone else. I still say to this day that is was a possible EA that finally prompted throwing away 15 years rather than truly working on us.

 

If the shoe were on the other foot, as I believe it was in the beginning, everyone looks for evidence....everyone goes through that fear. I see nothing wrong with her fears as I believe that you had similar fears about 7 or 8 pages of posts ago (based on your comment that she could possibly even be having an EA currently but were not sure).

 

You stated in some earlier posts that you have held onto the past as well, it's not surprising that she has too. Now you are down to the business of what is truly wrong with your marriage....it's not just her, it's not just you....it's the problem with listening to each other and communicating effectively with kindness and the respect two people in a marriage should.

 

Sprigg -

 

"That little scorecard people (mostly women) keep in their heads and hold grudges over--they hold onto it for defense in arguments and to rationalize irrational behavior, it seems."

 

I agree with your analysis there, but can say that women are not the only one's who keep a mental check list of how they were wronged or how they perceived they were wronged. Men have the capability of doing this as well as I can attest to in my marriage.

 

My ex's idea of "marital debate" was to bring up something I did years ago that had absolutely nothing to do with the current topic we were discussing. My issue was that I would buy into the insanity and either try to defend myself or meet him with days of silence....in either case...a lose/lose situation as nothing was ever resolved for either of us.

Edited August 23, 2010 by BetweenHere&There

[What_Next]

Well I did sleep downstairs on Sunday night and left for business on Monday morning. We did not talk much on Monday morning as I had to run. I'll be out of town on business until mid-next week at this point.

 

We have been talking, via text and over the phone. I honestly miss her. I really do. A good sign I guess. I told her that when she all of a sudden opens up after years of being a closed book she needs to understand that I need time to process what she is saying. She said she would. We have talked about the dreams and thoughts she was having for years and she says it has helped massively. We'll see. I am listening to her and trying to be there when needed.

 

The ball is really in her court at this point. The time away has been excellent as we can talk but only in short burst, just what the Dr. ordered for now.

 

This has been life changing for me, both personally, professionally and certainly emotionally. I have let go the bitterness and anger over what she put me through and have come to realize we BOTH needed this sort of event to shake us out of our rut. I am still not sure as to whether or not our marriage will survive, but for now, just for now I will continue.

 

Whether or not she is commited to making the necessary changes will tell the tale, I am. So far she has; however I cannot expect to rebuild our marriage overnight. On the positive side our love life is right back on track and that's not a bad thing

[BetweenHere&There]

Deleted...thank you mods.

[BetweenHere&There]

Well I did sleep downstairs on Sunday night and left for business on Monday morning. We did not talk much on Monday morning as I had to run. I'll be out of town on business until mid-next week at this point.

 

We have been talking, via text and over the phone. I honestly miss her. I really do. A good sign I guess. I told her that when she all of a sudden opens up after years of being a closed book she needs to understand that I need time to process what she is saying. She said she would. We have talked about the dreams and thoughts she was having for years and she says it has helped massively. We'll see. I am listening to her and trying to be there when needed.

 

The ball is really in her court at this point. The time away has been excellent as we can talk but only in short burst, just what the Dr. ordered for now.

 

This has been life changing for me, both personally, professionally and certainly emotionally. I have let go the bitterness and anger over what she put me through and have come to realize we BOTH needed this sort of event to shake us out of our rut. I am still not sure as to whether or not our marriage will survive, but for now, just for now I will continue.

 

Whether or not she is commited to making the necessary changes will tell the tale, I am. So far she has; however I cannot expect to rebuild our marriage overnight. On the positive side our love life is right back on track and that's not a bad thing

 

Facts W_N...you missed her...she is working on it and so are you...that is all you both can do at this point. The thing that you have to keep in mind is that every marriage goes through hiccups at this stage....she's not going to do everything to a "T" and neither are you....keep the perspective...the bigger picture....I'm still pulling for you both...there is a stronger marriage foundation than you give yourselves credit for.

 

I think that you are both willing to meet in the middle...that is the first step. Just listen, then react....you will learn so much and so will she.

 

Safe travels.

[What_Next]

Well, here is a strange sequence of events. Stay with me people it'll get real interesting. Well everyone that has read this thread knows that a while back she went on a "woman's weekend". I knew that was bull****, but never could prove it. I also found a phone number and called it the one night and some guy answered.

 

Anyway, yesterday (I am away on business still) she texts me she wants to go cross border shopping etc. I kept tellhig her I didn't like the idea (I knew what she was going to do) but I couldn't stop her. Well she left, took the truck, my child and her damned dog. She turned her phone off after crossing the border. Since her phone was off I got into her voicemail this morning and sure enough there was a message from "her friend" asking if she crossed the border OK and that he loved her.

 

Anyway, I called the number right away and spoke to this guys grandmother. She had been cheated on in the past so she could empathize. Anyway, she had been down there on the "womans weekend" and she was spinning all sorts of lies. I was beating her, we were divorced, blah blah blah. Well I painted the picture for her and this guys uncle.

 

Someone went over and awoke my ex-wife (yes she is my *****ing EX wife now) and I confronted her. She initially lied, but when I told her I knew she fessed up. I told her she eithers brings my child back to Canada NOW or I call New York State Troopers.

 

Anyway, get this everyone (here's where it gets funny), he is 23!!!!!!! He has no job, lives with his grandparents!!!!! Can you imagine????

 

Anyway, I cannot go home just yet as I have one more night on our business trip, but she is going home. She has been informed to park my truck and turn over the keys. I am going to get her name off of the lease on Monday.

 

How's that for a story everyone?????

Edited August 28, 2010 by What_Next

[wrencn]

(((HUGS))) hang in there sweetie!!!! I'm here for you.

[tojaz]

Well, here is a strange sequence of events. Stay with me people it'll get real interesting. Well everyone that has read this thread knows that a while back she went on a "woman's weekend". I knew that was bull****, but never could prove it. I also found a phone number and called it the one night and some guy answered.

 

Anyway, yesterday (I am away on business still) she texts me she wants to go cross border shopping etc. I kept tellhig her I didn't like the idea (I knew what she was going to do) but I couldn't stop her. Well she left, took the truck, my child and her damned dog. She turned her phone off after crossing the border. Since her phone was off I got into her voicemail this morning and sure enough there was a message from "her friend" asking if she crossed the border OK and that he loved her.

 

Anyway, I called the number right away and spoke to this guys grandmother. She had been cheated on in the past so she could empathize. Anyway, she had been down there on the "womans weekend" and she was spinning all sorts of lies. I was beating her, we were divorced, blah blah blah. Well I painted the picture for her and this guys uncle.

 

Someone went over and awoke my ex-wife (yes she is my *****ing EX wife now) and I confronted her. She initially lied, but when I told her I knew she fessed up. I told her she eithers brings my child back to Canada NOW or I call New York State Troopers.

 

Anyway, get this everyone (here's where it gets funny), he is 23!!!!!!! He has no job, lives with his grandparents!!!!! Can you imagine????

 

Anyway, I cannot go home just yet as I have one more night on our business trip, but she is going home. She has been informed to park my truck and turn over the keys. I am going to get her name off of the lease on Monday.

 

How's that for a story everyone?????

 

:(:(:(:(:(:(:(

 

Dammit man, I'm sorry to hear that. Hear these stories so much here and always trying to keep my faith in people, but more and more I see the odds are against us.

 

I really truly hoped she would prove to be the exception. Take a little comfort that you hung in there and gave her every chance, even though it didn't work out, you'll get some peace from that.

 

Keep posting bud, this place is about healing just as much as it is about putting it back together.

 

TOJAZ

[spriggig]

Anyway, get this everyone (here's where it gets funny), he is 23!!!!!!! He has no job, lives with his grandparents!!!!! Can you imagine????

 

My 40 year old very STBXW cheated with an unemployed 28 year old who lived with his parents and family after a tour in Iraq. She visited him for two weeks and stayed with him in his childhood bedroom. Fabulous.

[BetweenHere&There]

Wow W_N - I hate this for you, I really do. Was really pulling for you. Hang in there and do what's right for you now. Hugs!

[LisaLee]

Whoah! What an amazing change of events!!! =O

[hopesndreams]

Truth is stranger than fiction.

 

Good to hear you finally got the truth of why you've been going through h*ll.

 

Get prepared mentally for what's in store when you get home. There could be even more BS stories to listen to of why she is the way she is. Those stories stunk to high heaven. Don't be fooled again.

 

Perhaps she's learned her lesson and will now beg forgiveness. What else can she do? Where is she going to go? Her desperation will be intense.

 

Oh well, she's made her bed, let her lie in it. You will now have your freedom. Deal with the past hurts and have no more fresh hurt. She's poison to you now.

 

Move on to a bright, shiny future. You're a smart guy, you know what needs to be done to accomplish this.

[What_Next]

Well it's already started. I spent a LOT of today fighting back and forth over text until my child arrived back at our home. I said EVERYTHING I wanted to. She is a lieing two faced who__. Crazy motherf___er took MY child to another country????

 

Anyway, she bleeped off, this and that with bullsh_t. Told me she is NOT leaving our house, blah blah.

 

I am now in another city in another hotel for the night. She doesn't know where I am, nor when I will be home. She has started calling me (about 15 times already) and texting me how sorry she is. I have let her know she is cancer to me and she is useless. We are done. Boy this feels good right now. I am sure I'll hit a low again soon, but for now it soo good to know it all.

 

I can't throw her out, no matter how much I want to, but in the end I don't care anymore, I'll leave. We don't own, we rent.

[BetweenHere&There]

W_N - Right now, everything is fresh and your mind is screaming....take some time to cool down and think it all over. You need to get legal counsel whether you rent or own. Not sure how the law works there, but you don't want to give her the ability to continue taking your child over the border or eventually relocating your child there. Not saying that she would, but you need time to think and get a professional opinion about your parental rights.

[hopesndreams]

Start living apart now. A year apart, divorce is granted in Canada.

 

Draw up a separation agreement. Try to get her to agree to your terms as much as you can. Sure, she'll fight you on everything. But, in the end, she knows she doesn't have a leg to stand on. Play on her guilt. She's going to be swimming in it.

[What_Next]

I am going home tomorrow. She has been texting me that she and my child are leaving. We'll see about that.

 

She can leave but I will fight like hell to see my child, she CANNOT take her from me.

[hopesndreams]

I am going home tomorrow. She has been texting me that she and my child are leaving. We'll see about that.

 

She can leave but I will fight like hell to see my child, she CANNOT take her from me.

 

Fight for custody. At the very least, get joint custody with visitation every weekend and once through the week.

 

She is deluded right now, with thoughts of OM, take advantage of it.

[What_Next]

No JOINT custody, 50/50 custody. Period. Nothing else than that will do.

 

We've spoken at length about this before it all went to hell. I told her that is my deal. I will bankrupt us both otherwise.

 

I have little to lose. This is the fight of my life.

 

I WILL NOT lose.

[What_Next]

I am back home and things continue to be surreal. It was so good to see my child again, my heart sang!!!!!!! I managed to get some time with her and that was all I needed.

 

Things here are strange to say the least. I can't even look at her, in fact I do not want to even breathe the same air as her. She started coming at me right away with, I want a second chance, blah blah blah. I just told her to get away from me.

 

Things got worse later in the evening when I was putting my clothes away. I came across a card she had given me and I tore it up. She went off the deep end and started throwing my clothes around.

 

I calmed her down and agreed to talk to her. She stated she in fact did not sleep with the guy, she only said that to make me angry. I told her that I did not believe her, but that is secondary and does not matter. I let her know that I am in fact leaving as soon as I can. I let her know that she was nothing to me. She wanted to know if the grass was greener, well have at it! He can have you.

 

I am off work today, and might take tomorrow off. I just need to get my head in order before marching forward.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Yeah I dont buy it either, she took your kid down across the boarder and she expects you to believe her lies?

 

the best thing you can do right now is to split up. she cant be trusted and it shows.

[HopelessinDTW]

I am back home and things continue to be surreal. It was so good to see my child again, my heart sang!!!!!!! I managed to get some time with her and that was all I needed.

 

Things here are strange to say the least. I can't even look at her, in fact I do not want to even breathe the same air as her. She started coming at me right away with, I want a second chance, blah blah blah. I just told her to get away from me.

 

Things got worse later in the evening when I was putting my clothes away. I came across a card she had given me and I tore it up. She went off the deep end and started throwing my clothes around.

 

I calmed her down and agreed to talk to her. She stated she in fact did not sleep with the guy, she only said that to make me angry. I told her that I did not believe her, but that is secondary and does not matter. I let her know that I am in fact leaving as soon as I can. I let her know that she was nothing to me. She wanted to know if the grass was greener, well have at it! He can have you.

 

I am off work today, and might take tomorrow off. I just need to get my head in order before marching forward.

 

W_N: Can't believe this has happened to you! Your posts seemed like you were back on track. But what has happened is not unique to you in that she's a good lier. This is the classic MLC. Lie and lie, and decieve until she get's her way. We'll when I finally caught my stbx physically cheating, a great big weight was lifted off my shoulders. I wasn't riding in doubt about whether we would get back or not any longer. Although it was very painful what I found, I at least had a very focused direction to follow, and the guessing game was over. You will however still go through the emotional rollercoaster, but you know what to do. You know that you and your kids are the most important thing in your life. Let this piece of sh*t wife of your learn her lesson on her own. My wife found her soulmate on Face book (old high school crush). He has a high school education, lives with his parents, twice divorced to previously married women, works as a maintenance man. I guess both of our wives traded up!!! Good luck to them on their journey of discovery. I'm sure they can now be happier since the life they had with us was so unfullfilling, and so empty. And I'm sure they have been feeling this was for YEARS, and now have found their soulmate who will fill the void left in their hearts by their unloving, unaffectionate husbands....DOES ANY OF THIS SOUND FAMILIAR?? I'm sure it does...because it's all textbook.

 

You now know what she's really made of. Get her out of life as much as possible, end it, and move on.

[tojaz]

W_N: Can't believe this has happened to you! Your posts seemed like you were back on track. But what has happened is not unique to you in that she's a good lier. This is the classic MLC. Lie and lie, and decieve until she get's her way. We'll when I finally caught my stbx physically cheating, a great big weight was lifted off my shoulders. I wasn't riding in doubt about whether we would get back or not any longer. Although it was very painful what I found, I at least had a very focused direction to follow, and the guessing game was over. You will however still go through the emotional rollercoaster, but you know what to do. You know that you and your kids are the most important thing in your life. Let this piece of sh*t wife of your learn her lesson on her own. My wife found her soulmate on Face book (old high school crush). He has a high school education, lives with his parents, twice divorced to previously married women, works as a maintenance man. I guess both of our wives traded up!!! Good luck to them on their journey of discovery. I'm sure they can now be happier since the life they had with us was so unfullfilling, and so empty. And I'm sure they have been feeling this was for YEARS, and now have found their soulmate who will fill the void left in their hearts by their unloving, unaffectionate husbands....DOES ANY OF THIS SOUND FAMILIAR?? I'm sure it does...because it's all textbook.

 

 

Yes all too familiar :o:o

 

W_N even now that you know the truth, and know "Whats Next" dont let that anger get the better of you. The business of Divorce is a messy one, and it is far too easy to say and do things out of anger that can come back to haunt us, or flat out kick us in the azz. When the fog lifts, she will have a hefty price to pay. Karma's a B**CH, you won't have to do a thing.

 

TOJAZ

[What_Next]

Well today was another day that is stranger than fiction it seems. As I had mentioned earler in some of my posts I have met a few women that I have talking to via telephone and text messages. Up until this point I've kept my phone locked. Well on my business trip I unlocked it. Today while in the shower my STBX came flying in demanding to know who I was talking to etc.

 

She had grabbed my phone and began calling one of the woman. I told her she was mental and it had to stop etc etc.

 

Anyway, she eventually calmed down. Later she began crying and bawling etc with all sorts of fake tears. I left and met up with one of the women I had been talking to. There's no spark there, but it was nice to chat. Tonight when I came home she was still ranting and raving and crying etc. I decided to press a little for details on her affair. She began to lie some more, but eventually came clean. She was there 4 times, she did sleep with him. Which I already knew.

 

Then she started still crying and following me around the house stating how much she loves me etc. She said she was still talking to this boy since he was such a "friend". Whatever, I kept telling her to get the hell away from me.

 

My clothes sit in a pile in our entry area, she still has our bedroom and I am stuck downstairs. SHE is the one that spread her legs, SHE is the one that took my child. Now SHE has the nerve to ask for forgiveness. I want her out of my life, I want her to be a distant memory.

 

This is surreal.

[What_Next]

She is still all over me insisting that I give her a second chance etc etc. She has came clean with most of the details. The scenario makes my skin crawl honestly.

 

I have demanded that he call me so I can talk to him. I have also demanded that her "friends" from the girls weekend call me. I have also demanded that she get tested right away.

[hopesndreams]

She said she was still talking to this boy since he was such a "friend".

 

 

This right here speaks volumes. Makes the rest of whatever she says and does, pointless.

[PegNosePete]

Tell her to get off you.

 

You don't need to speak to OM, or her friends. You don't need her to get tested for anything because even if she has something, you're not going to catch it, are you?

 

You just need to speak to a lawyer.