What next

[tojaz]

I have demanded that he call me so I can talk to him. I have also demanded that her "friends" from the girls weekend call me. I have also demanded that she get tested right away.

 

WHY??? Your done, dont blame you a bit after all your been through, but why do all this then? You already know all you needed to know. I hate to say it W_N but it almost sounds like your looking for a way to punish her, humiliate her for what happened. Once again, couldn't blame you for feeling that way, but its not going to make you feel any better in the long run. You hold the moral high ground right now, thats a good place to be...... stay there.

 

TOJAZ

[bestplayer]

She is still all over me insisting that I give her a second chance etc etc. She has came clean with most of the details. The scenario makes my skin crawl honestly.

 

I have demanded that he call me so I can talk to him. I have also demanded that her "friends" from the girls weekend call me. I have also demanded that she get tested right away.

 

I think , although your wife had been cheating on you , but for some reason she still doesn't sound like one of those selfish cheating wives that we usually hear about on this forum . May be you didn't portray her bad enough .

[What_Next]

Well I am getting my own place hopefully for Oct 1. I have asked her to put in our 60 day notice on our place today. That way one of us could move on Oct 1 and the other could move on Nov 1. My mother and I will get a place for 1 year to ease the financial burden.

 

The irony is that we might even end up in the same area. It's just better for our child.

 

She still insists she wants to fix it. She insists on expressing how sorry she is. I made it simple for her, that it's actions that speak now, not words. If she wants to build a life with me again, she'll do it for the next year while living seperately. She was crying stating that I would find someone else, well I let her know that it is entirely possible.

 

I am headed to the bank today to get a bank account etc. It begins today.

[What_Next]

When things move, they move fast.

 

I am just about to fill out an application for a rental for Oct 1. We are putting down a deposit today. I have my own chequing account now.

 

I am terrified.

[HopelessinDTW]

When things move, they move fast.

 

I am just about to fill out an application for a rental for Oct 1. We are putting down a deposit today. I have my own chequing account now.

 

I am terrified.

 

Hang in there. When I moved into a more permanent place (even though it is much smaller than my home), I felt a lot better. It's was my space, I could do what I want in it. Didn't have to worry about stbx being around. It actually brought with it some sense of stability and peace. You are a strong person, just keep on moving forward...and resist the urge to look backwards.

[What_Next]

I'll be fine I am sure. Honestly I just cannot wait to get out into my own place and begin to heal.

[What_Next]

Why when all I should be focused on is moving on am I still pissed off? Why am I still contacting her and asking her all of the details of the affair? Why am I still concerned with it? If I was staying and we were rebuilding the marriage then I could understand it.

 

However, I am leaving on Oct 1. Now the apartment she is moving into on Nov 1 is very close to mine, in fact the next building. We will also still see each other with regards to our child. Is there somewhere deep down inside of me that is actually considering forgiving her?

 

This is just nuts, I have to cut this woman out of my life like cancer. However; given the fact that we have a child I just cannot. What the h__l can I do to remove her influence on my thought process?

[HopelessinDTW]

Why when all I should be focused on is moving on am I still pissed off? Why am I still contacting her and asking her all of the details of the affair? Why am I still concerned with it? If I was staying and we were rebuilding the marriage then I could understand it.

 

However, I am leaving on Oct 1. Now the apartment she is moving into on Nov 1 is very close to mine, in fact the next building. We will also still see each other with regards to our child. Is there somewhere deep down inside of me that is actually considering forgiving her?

 

This is just nuts, I have to cut this woman out of my life like cancer. However; given the fact that we have a child I just cannot. What the h__l can I do to remove her influence on my thought process?

 

W_N: The answer to your question is simple. It is because you are a human-being! You are not a robot with a switch that can do a complete 180 and not give a s**t. Like you, I need to interact with my stbx because of kids, this makes it harder to cut her out of your mind. From reading your posts, it was not even a couple weeks ago that you even felt like things might be getter better. I can assure you that it will take at least a month worth of time where you will feel this way. In my case, it was a daily struggle where I would replay our marriage in my head, the good times, and the bad, and beat myself over and over again about "what if"...I said this, or did that, or etc. etc. I would even have dreams where me and the stbx were together again, as a family. I would wake up thinking we were together again, then realize it was just a dream. Your brain doesn't like change, and it certainly can't realign itself with this new reality so quickly. So it is fighting with you, and trying to resist change. That's why you feel deep inside that you want to forgive her. But as you know, the reality of the situation is that you cannot go back to her...

 

After time I realized that even though I might have done things differently, she would have still hooked up with the OM, and still had an affair. So now, I am begining to forgive myself and feel better about what I did to save the marriage. W_N...from your posts it's obvious you did all you can as a human being with flaws to save your marriage. Our spouses are lost, we cannot rescue them. If they want to come out of their dream world, it can only come within them to do this. You have to realize this.

 

Living so close to each other though will inevitably cause problems. Is there any way you can at least find a place that's not within walking distance. I mean I can see how you or her would start snooping on each other, and this will certainly not help you detach and move on??

[What_Next]

Living in buildings next to each other does worry me yes. In fact it worries me a lot. However, it will allow easy access to our child and that to me is what is most important right now.

 

I will sacrifice anything for that.

 

The tact I am taking is to get out and perhaps even meet someone, hopefully someone looking for fun. Nothing serious. That will go a long way towards helping me detach. I mean sitting in a dark room spending all my time deep in tought won't help much right?

 

Of course I will begin to focus on me, but that will be a process, heck I've spent the last 15 years putting my family first, that cannot change overnight.

 

I just hate her so much for what she has done. This morning I had to pick my clothes out of drawers that are lieing our porch area, after waking up alone in the basement. It seems she took all of these actions and I am the one paying the price. I can only hope that when I move and better myself, she will learn just how she messed up.

[HopelessinDTW]

Living in buildings next to each other does worry me yes. In fact it worries me a lot. However, it will allow easy access to our child and that to me is what is most important right now.

 

I will sacrifice anything for that.

 

The tact I am taking is to get out and perhaps even meet someone, hopefully someone looking for fun. Nothing serious. That will go a long way towards helping me detach. I mean sitting in a dark room spending all my time deep in tought won't help much right?

 

Of course I will begin to focus on me, but that will be a process, heck I've spent the last 15 years putting my family first, that cannot change overnight.

 

I just hate her so much for what she has done. This morning I had to pick my clothes out of drawers that are lieing our porch area, after waking up alone in the basement. It seems she took all of these actions and I am the one paying the price. I can only hope that when I move and better myself, she will learn just how she messed up.

It's great that you are concerned for your children, but you also have to think about yourself. I am just like you in that I put family ans children first (this was a major reason why my marriage failed...I had an unbalance between all this, work and my relationship with my wife came in last). But now, you need to have a balance between what's right for your children and YOU. You need to be a little selfish and do what's also right for you. If you're not exercising, please do!! It really does reduce get the anger, frustration, and the anxiety in your system. Sitting in an apartment all alone will drive you crazy...take it from someone that does that all the time. You need to catch yourself in these moments, and get in your car and just drive around, or go to a park, or shopping mall, somewhere to just get away from your alone-ness.

 

It does all seem like everything you worked for and hoped for is lost. But think about it??? what have you really lost? You still have your health, your own family, you have your kids, friends, job, etc. the only thing that you have really lost is your marriage, and your wife (which in time I believe will be a good thing). I keep on telling myself this everytime I get down and think of ALL that I have lost. Heck even if I lose my house...who cares!! It's just an object that can be replaced.

 

Yes we and our children are paying the price for their actions!! This is the main source of anger for me at least. Life is not fair in these situations. But guess what, KARMA is a real motherf**ker. And one day she'll be paying the price for all her actions. How, when, and in what form this will be is up to God to decide. But it will happen. You are a strong person, don't let her get to you. Look forward in time rather than back, and realize that things all happen for a reason....and in time this will be a good thing!

[What_Next]

Well I've had enough no more being nice, no more considering her feelings, NO MORE, NO MORE. I am taking back our bedroom, I am throwing her clothes out of the bedroom. She'll get no access to our vehicle, she'll get no access to any support from me now or in the future.

 

That's it. I've been the nice guy long enough. To hell with that.

[GorillaTheater]

Sorry if you've already said, but have you separated finances and closed joint credit cards? Now that things are escalating, I would were I you.

 

You may also want to start carrying a voice-activated recorder (VAR). False domestic violence allegations are an excellent way to get a major head-start in getting the house and child custody and aren't exactly unheard of.

[Doing it Since '78]

Well I've had enough no more being nice, no more considering her feelings, NO MORE, NO MORE. I am taking back our bedroom, I am throwing her clothes out of the bedroom. She'll get no access to our vehicle, she'll get no access to any support from me now or in the future.

 

That's it. I've been the nice guy long enough. To hell with that.

 

Bro,

 

It sounds liek you have been roller coasting, for a minute now. First you wanted to work it out, then find a gal on the side, then get back with her, now you want to be billy bad a$$-

 

All im saying is, cool out, get your strategy together, some alone time in your place by yourself couldn't hurt-even give this website a rest for a while

 

Once your feelings and emotions level out a little, then decide how you want to proceed

[What_Next]

To answer the question yes I now have a seperate bank account, my pay is already switched to it. We agreed to leave the joint account in place for her. Her pay will go in it. We have 1 joint credit card and another 2 in her name. One of them is a zero balance. She is going to make the other one joint and we both agreed that we would pay them down but NO use on any of them. All purchases have to be agreed upon ahead of time.

 

Bill will be paid along salary division, each of us paying a percentage. I am keeping my truck and will assume all costs associated with the lease. Initially I told her that I would allow her to use if she needed, but once we seperate she will no longer have access to it.

 

Doing it Since '78, yes this has been an emotional rollercoaster, hell if you have followed along you know why. All of it changed when her affair was completely exposed and all of it changed when she involved our child. I want nothing to do with her. I never had "a girl on the side". I was talking to some woman is all, 2 of them I have developed frienships with, nothing more. Yes I also wanted to reconile before I discovered she went to another country to bang a 23 year old BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

My feelings won't likely level out for a LONG time. I will be up and down like a yoyo for longer than I would care to think. Right now, she gets the hell out of our bedroom. I am no longer making this easy on her. To hell with that. If she doesn't like it then she can leave until I get my place.

 

ENOUGH. Now she learns what it is like to have played this game and lost.

[mark982]

what next, i can see where you're tring to the correct thing by paying down the debt. but i would give serious second thoughts of making that credit card of hers a joint card. she's screwed you so far, there's a good chance you'll come out on the short end here. she gave you her promise of no new purchases. she's already shown you how far her promises go.

[tojaz]

Bro,

 

It sounds liek you have been roller coasting, for a minute now. First you wanted to work it out, then find a gal on the side, then get back with her, now you want to be billy bad a$$-

 

All im saying is, cool out, get your strategy together, some alone time in your place by yourself couldn't hurt-even give this website a rest for a while

 

Once your feelings and emotions level out a little, then decide how you want to proceed

 

This is good advice!!!

[Chrome Barracuda]

Even if he's able to be calm and rational about things later I'd bet he'd still be pissed. I know i would.

 

180 and NC. that's the only thing i would suggest. Do not sleep with her and go get tested for any STD's yuck, you dont know what she's been carrying in her bloodstream.

 

Any woman who would deliberately take their child to have an affair in another country while their husband is stuck home alone, must be crazy.

 

Dont listen to her WN, she's only saying that stuff because she was caught. it's all one big game to her. Get a lawyer and know your rights. Get the debt any charges she incur only in her name.

[What_Next]

I'm actually handling my emotions pretty well. She gave back the room without any protest at all. I didn't expect any. I've been asking her all sorts of directed questions about her affair.

 

She has finally came around and is answering every single one of them. Most if not all are truthful as well.

 

Why am I doing this? Well like it or not she is going to part of my life because of the child. I need to learn to trust again as far as the child goes and part of that comes from learning to accept what she did. Now that doesn't mean I'll EVER fall for her crap again, but it does mean that I need to set aside some anger and get some answers.

 

I am still moving out, I am still moving on, but the relationship to a certain extent has to continue, therefore I'll take advantage of this time.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Well co-parent wisely and move on. Is all i can say.

 

It's sad because i wonder wtf was going through her head, like you wouldnt know she took your child across the boarder, that is tandemount to kidnapping. If the situation was reversed and you did it, You better bet your azz you'd be under the jail by now!

[HopelessinDTW]

I'm actually handling my emotions pretty well. She gave back the room without any protest at all. I didn't expect any. I've been asking her all sorts of directed questions about her affair.

 

She has finally came around and is answering every single one of them. Most if not all are truthful as well.

 

Why am I doing this? Well like it or not she is going to part of my life because of the child. I need to learn to trust again as far as the child goes and part of that comes from learning to accept what she did. Now that doesn't mean I'll EVER fall for her crap again, but it does mean that I need to set aside some anger and get some answers.

 

I am still moving out, I am still moving on, but the relationship to a certain extent has to continue, therefore I'll take advantage of this time.

W_N: Don't trust anything she says!! Believe me...even when it comes to the children. She's so messed up that she will use the children to her benefit. Do not let your guard down, even when it comes to discussions regard to the children. You now need to pay very close attention to what your kids are doing and saying to you. She has already scared them by taking them away from you, and went off on her little escapade. You need to crack up your extra sensory perception to high, because at this point you are not really delaing with your wife...as you know her. She WILL do and say anything to keep you in the dark, and decieve you. I mean look at what she's done already..do you honestly think this type of behavior will go away. Until the divorce papers are signed, you need to keep track of all the crap she's doing. Anywhere were she fu*ks up, you write it down and tell your lawyer. You'll be surprised all the things you thought she would never do...she will.

[tank]

WN, I go away for a holiday to tennessee with the boys and come home to read this. I am so sorry for you my friend. My thoughts are with you and if you need to have coffee, pm me and we can make arrangements.

 

I will tell you this, the roller coaster just started over again, dont make any rash decisions as i have read your posts, it sounds like there is maybe a little bit of you that still wants her to show she is changing and that maybe you could work this out. so as my lawyer told me, no rash decisions for at least one year especially after the length of the marriage and the child that is involved.

 

that being said, in Canada you have 3 grounds for divorce, legal separation for 1 year, adulty or abuse. you my friend have adultry on yourside. it is still a crime in this country. You can file divorce and as long as she doesnt contest it you can be divorced in 3 months.

 

It seems to me that you have given up on getting custody of your child? In this country without a separation agreement or court order in place, possession is 9 tenths of the law. meaning which ever parent has possession of the child keeps possession until the court decides. I suggest filing with the court for a temporary custody order until the divorce is final. Use what you have, your wife is involved with another man across the border in another country and she has already taken your child there. You are afraid she will take her and not bring her back. she has already showed extremely poor judgement in showing your child this affair etc. You my friend will get that temporary custodial care judgement. Act first and act fast.

 

You can use the approach i took and used her own guilt to get her to sign the separation agreement. That agreement spells everything out. I share custody with my wife but i have custodial care and her visitation is spelled out in black and white. We own our home so it was a bit touchy there, but she has to decide if she turns it all over to me or forces the sale. once again i played on her guilt, she promised the kids they would never have to move, so she is signing over the home to me tomorrow actually.

 

I still want to work things out with my wife, i have asked her to see a MC with me and see if its still possible, she hasnt let me know. But I have separated everything now, the bank account, the car payment, insurance etc. I have my account and she has hers finally. No matter what, i have protected myself so that if nothing works out, i dont have to go through this again financially at least. I dont want you to make some of the mistakes i did. See a lawyer, if you want the website i got my separation agreement from i will give it to you, but i suggest a lawyer. Get custodial care of your child. make her pay you child support. The affair will get rid of any spousal support she may seek. Just know you have options, and if you really want whats best for you child, then get custodial rights.

 

Your wife is not the women you love right now. She will do all the things she said she would never do. She will go back to her lover, dont be surprised if he doesnt come up here and stay for a long visit. So dont have any faith in her. I did and it back fired on me everytime. my wifes own mother was telling me not to listen to her. Your wife will do things you wont believe. Protect yourself. Cut all ties financially. do not have a joint credit card or joint account. DO NOT give her the power to cause you financial issues. Get everything separated. just get it done now. if you ever work things out that can be changed. your marriage is over now, let it go. protect yourself and your child. send me a pm any time, i will send you my email so if you want to chat you can. take care and stay strong. sorry for the long post

[What_Next]

Everyone thank you very much for the responses, especially you tank. Let me clear a few things up. First, the affair is 100% over. Now that's not to say it cannot start up again, but does that really matter now? They initially found each other through Second Life; some sort of online bull****. They communicated exclusively through her phone. He would email her phone and she would text reply. They also spoke on her cell.

 

Her cell number has been changed, I have full access to ALL email accounts and have been monitoring them. All calls from our entire area code have been blocked into the OM grandparent's home (where he lives). We both have been trying to contact him, I want to talk to him. Nothing, he is running scared and is a frightened little boy. With good reason. I am contemplating going down there to meet face to face.

 

This is all in an attempt to obtain closure and just move on. It is part of the process.

 

She is broken and scared, I have known her for 20 years and this much I know. Her affair is OVER. That is of little consequence to me though.

 

Tank I know the laws regarding divorce etc. Our plan is to use a 1 year seperation as grounds. I have already told her no matter what happens in the future we WILL divorce no matter what. She'll never ever get to use my name and put me at risk again. I did download a seperation agreement but I have yet to fill it out. We have 1 month to accomplish that.

 

I have most definitely NOT given up custody of our child. We have agreed to 50/50 custody verbally. The more I think about this the more I realize I need to get a custody agreement in place.

 

We have agred that I will provide no financial support, nor even child support as she will be living with me 50% of the time. Of course I will take care of my share of extra costs associate with her.

 

Financially we have already seperated bank accounts. I have let her keep the joint account and once my first pay goes into my account I will stop using the joint account. We also agreed to split what was left in it.

 

Does anyone see any major flaws in this? NO, I WILL NOT go and find a lawyer, I DO NOT want a lawyer. I cannot afford one and I will not line someone else's pockets from our misery. We can work this out in such a way that we both move on.

[PegNosePete]

This is all in an attempt to obtain closure and just move on. It is part of the process.

There is no such thing as closure. The only closure you can ever get it to let it go. She made her choices, now she has to take the consequences.

 

Absolutely nothing will be served by talking to the OM, either by phone or face to face. What do you expect him to say? "Yes I screwed your wife"? "I'm sorry"? How will that make it any better? You'll still be in exactly the same place.

[HopelessinDTW]

Everyone thank you very much for the responses, especially you tank. Let me clear a few things up. First, the affair is 100% over. Now that's not to say it cannot start up again, but does that really matter now? They initially found each other through Second Life; some sort of online bull****. They communicated exclusively through her phone. He would email her phone and she would text reply. They also spoke on her cell.

 

Her cell number has been changed, I have full access to ALL email accounts and have been monitoring them. All calls from our entire area code have been blocked into the OM grandparent's home (where he lives). We both have been trying to contact him, I want to talk to him. Nothing, he is running scared and is a frightened little boy. With good reason. I am contemplating going down there to meet face to face.

 

This is all in an attempt to obtain closure and just move on. It is part of the process.

 

She is broken and scared, I have known her for 20 years and this much I know. Her affair is OVER. That is of little consequence to me though.

 

Tank I know the laws regarding divorce etc. Our plan is to use a 1 year seperation as grounds. I have already told her no matter what happens in the future we WILL divorce no matter what. She'll never ever get to use my name and put me at risk again. I did download a seperation agreement but I have yet to fill it out. We have 1 month to accomplish that.

 

I have most definitely NOT given up custody of our child. We have agreed to 50/50 custody verbally. The more I think about this the more I realize I need to get a custody agreement in place.

 

We have agred that I will provide no financial support, nor even child support as she will be living with me 50% of the time. Of course I will take care of my share of extra costs associate with her.

 

Financially we have already seperated bank accounts. I have let her keep the joint account and once my first pay goes into my account I will stop using the joint account. We also agreed to split what was left in it.

 

Does anyone see any major flaws in this? NO, I WILL NOT go and find a lawyer, I DO NOT want a lawyer. I cannot afford one and I will not line someone else's pockets from our misery. We can work this out in such a way that we both move on.

W_N: I am glad to see you have taken concrete steps to protect yourself, and move on with the D. However, I agree that going to see the OM will not help you, or your situation. In fact, it could be a very bad situation. I mean this guy might have a gun or something. Or you might do something in anger that you might regret...and get in trouble yourself. Just f**king forget about the POS scum. You wife has damaged your life enough...going down there is not going to fix anything. I'm sorry the laws in your country force you to separate for a year, on the other had you get to claim adultery....I wish we had this in the US! I'm not sure how you're going to handle all this without a lawyer..perhaps you know better. I would be concerned that even though things have calmed down for the moment...that there won't be other crazy sh*t that she pulls. So be aware of that real possibility.

[spriggig]

Does anyone see any major flaws in this? NO, I WILL NOT go and find a lawyer, I DO NOT want a lawyer. I cannot afford one and I will not line someone else's pockets from our misery. We can work this out in such a way that we both move on.

 

I was against a lawyer too, but the more I thought about it the more I wanted the comfort of knowing that I was legally protected--I had questions that I couldn't find answers to online. My divorce is only costing $700 including court fees.