What next

[habs53]

stop wondering!

 

she lies!

 

she has been so caught up on the affair fog there's nobody and nothing that would have kept her away from him on that dreaded "girl's weekend!"

 

stop second guessing yourself.

 

watch her actions - believe NONE of her words... she lies!

I would have to agree with this 100%. Same as my case, i dont believe one thing she says. Nothing.

[What_Next]

Well over the last few days we have been talking a lot. What I am trying to do is get to a point where I can release the anger. Since I will be moving on Oct 1 I want to try and at least restore some sort of friendship.

 

We have a child together and we have 20 years of history, despite what she did I think that it would be silly to throw all of that away. She has comitted to changing, beginning with therapy and for now I'll take that at face value. Now this is all up to her.

 

I am going to give my new relationship a chance, although it might be doomed to failure, we'll see. In either case, the new person knows I am taking it VERY slowly.

 

Today was another step in the process, my pay was deposited in my account today. I will be using our joint account for the last time this morning. I am both terrified and excited.

 

Tonight I also have a date with the new person in my life, and I am also terrified and excited.

 

Words of the day it seems.

 

Thanks to everyone for following along this journey with me. Ironically enough even to Donewrong, as she is part of this process as well. We will both heal eventually.

[hopesndreams]

Well over the last few days we have been talking a lot. What I am trying to do is get to a point where I can release the anger. Since I will be moving on Oct 1 I want to try and at least restore some sort of friendship.

 

We have a child together and we have 20 years of history, despite what she did I think that it would be silly to throw all of that away. She has comitted to changing, beginning with therapy and for now I'll take that at face value. Now this is all up to her.

 

I am going to give my new relationship a chance, although it might be doomed to failure, we'll see. In either case, the new person knows I am taking it VERY slowly.

 

Today was another step in the process, my pay was deposited in my account today. I will be using our joint account for the last time this morning. I am both terrified and excited.

 

Tonight I also have a date with the new person in my life, and I am also terrified and excited.

 

Words of the day it seems.

 

Thanks to everyone for following along this journey with me. Ironically enough even to Donewrong, as she is part of this process as well. We will both heal eventually.

 

You could, at the very least, wait until you move into your own apartment before all the dating starts. Why the impatience? This would really drive your W insane. She's hoping for reconciliation and you are rubbing her face in something quite nasty.

 

If the date doesn't go well, you'll be back into the unremorseful W's arms. If the date goes well, you'll be singing a happy tune, while still living under the same roof as your W.

 

You haven't even figured out what you want yet and you haven't worked through the stages of grief.

 

The only word I can come up with right now is, disaster.

[habs53]

I do kinda agree with this, although he may feel that he has to do this.

[2sunny]

WN - give it time.

 

why are you dating? it's not fair to you or your date if your heart's not in it. i've been on dates like that and the guy spends the whole evening talking about his wife and all the misery. what's fun about that for your date? why not wait until you can enjoy it without any agenda?

 

when you're ready - you will date because you think highly of the gal - enough to enjoy her company without thinking of someone else while you're with her.

 

to do so before it's healthy is just dumping a bunch of your crap on her.

 

dating should be equal amounts of giving and receiving - at the cost to no one in particular, but to the benefit and enjoyment of both. if it's unbalanced it makes it very difficult to have a good experience.

 

why are you dating now? why not wait until you have a healthy perspective and attitude about getting started in the dating arena?

[What_Next]

2sunny, with al due respect how do "you" know my heart isn't in it? How does "anyone" know my heart isn't in it?

 

You know what, I DON'T focus on this when I am with her, I DON'T dwell on it. We enjoy each others company, nothing more.

 

Honestly, I am sick and tired of everyone telling ME when I'M ready. Shouldn't I be the judge of that? Shouldn't I make that decision?

 

Now I am NOT lashing out, not at all. I appreciate everyones opinions, but when all is said and done Donewrong put my life on hold for MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! while going out and having her little affair. She put me through hell on earth, fake MC, 2 FAKE (yes fake) reconciliations, and countless others things. Why should I wait?

 

People perceive that I am not "Ready", well sorry people you're all wrong. You have the right to voice your opinions but you're wrong.

 

I haven't worked through the stages of grief? No, really? Sorry but you don't know what I have and have not worked through. I have done it and I have done it ALONE!!! No more.

 

Habs, I tend to agree with you that doing it now while still living under the same roof is poor timing, but really in your case if you had of been stuck under the same roof as your EX for reasons beyond your control can you honestly say you would not have moved forward?

 

I am not proposing marriage to this new person for heavens sake. We enjoy each others conversation and we are seeing where it leads. There is no physical intimacy, nor will there be for a LONG TIME.

 

Now that I have said all this does it change anyones perspective?

[You Go Girl]

whatsnext, I am so glad you are back here today. I hope you took my apology sincerely.

 

Nobody can decide but you what you are ready for, and when.

[2sunny]

2sunny, with al due respect how do "you" know my heart isn't in it? How does "anyone" know my heart isn't in it?

 

 

 

People perceive that I am not "Ready", well sorry people you're all wrong. You have the right to voice your opinions but you're wrong.

 

 

 

Now that I have said all this does it change anyones perspective?

 

i don't know if your heart is in it or not - only YOU can know that... so the best approach is to be honest - with YOURSELF. that will tell you everything we can't tell you.

 

i can only point out things that may help you to grow and understand where you may be... and possibly how some things can cause disasters or to help avoid those as well. you always make the decisions based on your choices...

 

perception - is based upon life experiences and our assigned meaning. it's different for each individual. this is our truth. my truth does not equate to your truth... perception and experience always come into play for each person.

 

MY perspective hasn't changed today. but i do wish you well - and to be happy on your own, with or without a woman by your side. THAT is a truer form of what happy feels like.

 

only you can change your own perspective.

[What_Next]

YGG, of course I did and I also hope you can take what I said to you at face value. I DO value your insight and your opinions and I'd like to continue to ask for them. You are right only I can decide if the timing is right.

 

2sunny, your post is very well thought out and even though I might have come across as rude I certainly didn't mean it. Like YGG I appreciate your insight.

 

I am most definitely being honest with myself, with Donewrong and with anyone in my life. I have witnessed firsthand what dishonesty and mistrust gets you. Donewrong can attest to that.

[You Go Girl]

I can attest to that we need to be happy on our own. Or at least stable and secure on our own. Otherwise, what if a second new relationship goes sour? Do we have our strong self to fall back on? What if that self is weak? What if we become dependent upon someone else instead of just ourselves? What if we are easily heartbroken again?

It could be dangerous territory.

 

I say the words above not in regard to whatsnext at all, just thoughts about when we do start new relationships, whether it has been two days or two years since the last relationship ended.

[2sunny]

proper order helps to keep things clean and simple - which gives the ability to be happy a lot easier.

 

normally finishing one thing before starting another keeps things cleaner and simpler, less likelihood for complications and hurt feelings for many...

 

 

let's say you like this new gal - and she really likes you! then you date and become very intimate... and attached. and a year from now your W comes back into the picture after doing much soul searching that has transformed her into and honest and authentic gal... and you feel you want to give your M another shot... where does that leave this new gal? to be sure you are COMPLETELY DONE with your W is best. no matter what - to know that no matter what you will never go back. that seems fair to any new gal.

 

so the question is - no matter what - are you EVER going to consider going back to your W? if the answer is no - then it seems fair to date the new gal knowing that you don't intend to hurt her by waffling in your marriage/divorce. proper order just helps to avoid painful experiences.

[spriggig]

You have the right to voice your opinions but you're wrong.

 

Yes, yes, we know, yours is a unique situation because no one else is you.

 

Just remember that many of these opinions come from experience and the path you're on is well worn.

[Darth Vader]

2sunny, with al due respect how do "you" know my heart isn't in it? How does "anyone" know my heart isn't in it?

 

You know what, I DON'T focus on this when I am with her, I DON'T dwell on it. We enjoy each others company, nothing more.

 

Honestly, I am sick and tired of everyone telling ME when I'M ready. Shouldn't I be the judge of that? Shouldn't I make that decision?

 

Now I am NOT lashing out, not at all. I appreciate everyones opinions, but when all is said and done Donewrong put my life on hold for MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! while going out and having her little affair. She put me through hell on earth, fake MC, 2 FAKE (yes fake) reconciliations, and countless others things. Why should I wait?

 

People perceive that I am not "Ready", well sorry people you're all wrong. You have the right to voice your opinions but you're wrong.

 

I haven't worked through the stages of grief? No, really? Sorry but you don't know what I have and have not worked through. I have done it and I have done it ALONE!!! No more.

 

Habs, I tend to agree with you that doing it now while still living under the same roof is poor timing, but really in your case if you had of been stuck under the same roof as your EX for reasons beyond your control can you honestly say you would not have moved forward?

 

I am not proposing marriage to this new person for heavens sake. We enjoy each others conversation and we are seeing where it leads. There is no physical intimacy, nor will there be for a LONG TIME.

 

Now that I have said all this does it change anyones perspective?

 

 

Easy to answer, she Lied once, she'll Lie again! It's too soon! She's had her Ride with her OM and her fun, why can't you have yours? Oh, because it's you now, that's why. How much convincing is she doing to you? Sounds like the Bargining stage to me! Calm down! Remember, if she once, she'll do it again!

[2sunny]

how old are you What's Next? i'm unsure...

[Darth Vader]

What's Next, You have to remember that your wife is now reading everything that you post on here! I don't want you to end up like Fleafly, his wife also posted on LS, and she ended up taking him to the cleaners over her cheating!

[What_Next]

I'm 36, Donewrong is 34, my new friend is 35 BTW.

 

2sunny, you make a very good point regarding my ex. I do have to be 100% sure before I let anything happen with her. I had actually had that conversation with her saying that right now I have zero intentions of reconciling with my ex. Down the road I could never know. She accepted that.

 

Right now I have no intentions of allowing her to pull the wool over my eye again, she got that chance once, she'll not get it again. If she truly does change then we'll see how it goes. I am living in the here and now.

[2sunny]

I'm 36, Donewrong is 34, my new friend is 35 BTW.

 

2sunny, you make a very good point regarding my ex. I do have to be 100% sure before I let anything happen with her. I had actually had that conversation with her saying that right now I have zero intentions of reconciling with my ex. Down the road I could never know. She accepted that.

 

Right now I have no intentions of allowing her to pull the wool over my eye again, she got that chance once, she'll not get it again. If she truly does change then we'll see how it goes. I am living in the here and now.

 

in order to be fair to the new gal - you need to be sure you have NO intentions of going back to your W at all... otherwise you only cause hurt and pain to an innocent party in all this = the new gal.

 

be sure you won't cause her harm by waffling. if you wonder - it's best to wait and resume only when you are absolutely sure of your intentions and your ability to keep your word.

[The-Zen-Warrior]

Wow, when you said ATM withdraws from various location in between regular purchases, this just echoed my situation with my ex-wife. You probably know the answer to this question, but what is the hardest kind of business or personal transaction to track, the answer "cash only transactions"! What kind of transactions do not leave much of a paper trail, "cash only transactions"! Cash is the only remaining form of currency that can be used world wide without as much as a paper trail.

 

My ex-wife learned this very quickly when she to used to use excuses of so called "ladies night outs" and "ladies weekend outings" and "after hour business parties", she learned that with cash I could not track it at all. I know you said something about the reason for the cash coming out of the ATM's was for some sort of Fathers Day gift thing, I don't know if I would buy that reason 100%.

 

For me when it came to suspicious ATM transactions I had to trust my gut's, I knew something didn't smell right, I knew something was going on, but I had to look beyond the comfort zone of convenient and predictable answers, I had to venture into the truth and know that something was going on, and that she was doing something with another.

 

I learned the hard way......"if you don't have trust, than you don't have nothing at all"!

[nobmagnet]

only you know when to see the facts and find them. i did it when i was ready. months of knowing in my heart but to actually see it was a hard road to take.

 

you will know when you need to know. and we are all here if its bad and i know i for wont say told you so because we all hope your wrong.

 

Huggs

 

nobby xxx

[What_Next]

Nobby, thanks for the support.

 

2sunny you are correct, very correct. I know in my heart right now that there are no feelings of wanting to reconcile. Not now. She must learn to get to the bottom of why she did what she did and how to prevent it in the future.

 

I cannot say what I'll feel once I move. I can only be honest with everyone in my life.

[2sunny]

Nobby, thanks for the support.

 

2sunny you are correct, very correct. I know in my heart right now that there are no feelings of wanting to reconcile. Not now. She must learn to get to the bottom of why she did what she did and how to prevent it in the future.

 

I cannot say what I'll feel once I move. I can only be honest with everyone in my life.

 

ok. so why not wait and date the new gal when you are ABSOLUTELY sure that you won't hurt her by going back to your W?

 

just waiting - that is all that i'm suggesting - for you to have clarity about exactly where you are going and what you intend to do for the long haul.

 

can you wait - in order not to cause this new gal pain?

[What_Next]

It's just conversation with this new woman, that's all. We enjoy each others company. Nothing more. The wedding chapel isn't exactly booked just yet.

 

I've had enough of being alone, I've had enough of staring at the walls and barking at the moon. Enough.

 

I keep coming back to the same thing, why should I wait? How long should I "wait" until it is "right". 2 weeks, 13 days, 71 days?

 

I deserve to enjoy life and have companionship. I am not an evil person, I deserve that at least. My ex needs to go off and heal herself, she has to do that on her own. So I need to sit waiting patiently by the phone for her to exclaim she is all healed? Umm nope, SHE made the decision to cheat. For now I am moving on.

[What_Next]

With each passing day this process gets a little easier. It is still VERY complicated living under the same roof and there are definitely some confusing moments and conflicted feelings but they are becoming fewer and fewer.

 

Over the weekend I made a major step forward and began packing. It was incredibly hard to pack the first box, but the second got easier and so on. This week I also have moved forward with getting all of the final steps in place for the move. I have some details to clean up but they are minor at best.

 

Donewrong and I have continued to talk and I know she is sincere in her willingness to show remorse, but that does little for me right now. She is also beginning the process of her own healing. She is going to be involved in IC for her own issues.

 

Today I suddenly felt the need to hear the details of the first time she slept with the OM, not sure, but I did. Maybe I wanted to punish myself, not sure. Anyway, as the story was told I thought I would burst with emotion. No I did not, as she told me the details of the encounter I was left feeling emotionless, not even one single bit of anger or sadness. A turning point for me.

 

I'll admit I've been questioning the timing of meeting this new person in my life and in fact I've been trying to convince myself that I should break it off entirely. However, the events of today further show me that I am slowly beginning to heal and I am slowly beginning to get ready for the next chapter of my life. Whether or not this new person is part of it or not remains to be seen, but one thing is for sure I'll approach it with open eyes and a new found respect for the sanctity of a relationship. I now know how painful it is one when one ends in a situation like this and I intend on doing everything I can in all future relationships to prevent it.

 

Thanks to everyone for continuing to read my story.

 

Too all you walk away spouses out there (yes BOTH male and female) I hope my thread reaches even one of you and prevents you from taking that final step. I hope it convinces you to go back and try and work on your marriage. Or at worst come clean to your SO and tell them what you are doing. I sure wish Donewrong had chosen either of these routes as opposed to doing what she did to me and our family.

 

Cheers everyone.

[habs53]

Unfortunately a thread will not prevent the people from doing this. They will learn the hard way buddy.

[jnj express]

You may not like me for my posts on your wife's thread, but I play no favorite's---and I would like to give you one piece of my humble opinion

 

If you have talked to an atty., then you may know what you are doing---but----if this turns into a bitter custody battle----and your wife gets a bulldog for an atty.---they will go after you for 2 things-----leaving the home can be termed abandonment--unless you are in a legal seperation---and dating other women, can look like lots of things----revenge, etc----your mge., has been broken apart due to your wife being with another man----don't give her atty ammunition to use against you---until things are pretty much set in stone as to who will get what