What next

[What_Next]

Darth Vader I honestly don't why I still say that with regards to the longer term. I really don't. Right now it's just how I feel. I've always tried to say what I feel on LS. Even if I don't understand it at the time.

 

She is making it hard on me by not backing off. She's not giving me the space I need to make this adjustment. By still coming at me, with an attitude towards a short term reconciliation. She needs to realize that for now our relationship is in the past. Just leave it there.

 

The LS community has definitely helped me keep my sanity through at least some of this and I intend on repaying the favor. The next chapter in this saga is my new place, T-minus 6 days and counting!

[Steadfast]

 

The crazy twist as you mention, is the cheater wanting what they can't have. I have to ask, was your Ex controling of you?

 

 

I think you're right. She is a very competitive person and I'd always been the same. Someone she could 'count on' (translation: walk on). Her actions caused my eventual reaction. I tried for so long, but when I let her go I did it totally and completely. She still can't figure that part out. Men don't leave her; unless they are really something. Her original AP used her, then she hooked up with someone else...had a whole string of guys on the line. But when I let go and let her have them, it all changed. Damnest thing.

 

There was a common issue between us; she struggled for dominance, was rebellious and wanted to be independent. Pretty and likable, the real battle for her is going on inside. Massive self-esteem issues. I encouraged her to chase her dreams and tried to help, but after awhile she seemed to lose heart and either wanted to fight, or sleep. The last straw was the cheating; the kids were devastated, the house was a tomb. What she started I finished. I was leveled, so it's amazing to me just how happy I am now.

 

Really, it all comes down to how you want to live. I don't want that. Done.

[Darth Vader]

I think you're right. She is a very competitive person and I'd always been the same. Someone she could 'count on' (translation: walk on). Her actions caused my eventual reaction. I tried for so long, but when I let her go I did it totally and completely. She still can't figure that part out. Men don't leave her; unless they are really something. Her original AP used her, then she hooked up with someone else...had a whole string of guys on the line. But when I let go and let her have them, it all changed. Damnest thing.

 

There was a common issue between us; she struggled for dominance, was rebellious and wanted to be independent. Pretty and likable, the real battle for her is going on inside. Massive self-esteem issues. I encouraged her to chase her dreams and tried to help, but after awhile she seemed to lose heart and either wanted to fight, or sleep. The last straw was the cheating; the kids were devastated, the house was a tomb. What she started I finished. I was leveled, so it's amazing to me just how happy I am now.

 

Really, it all comes down to how you want to live. I don't want that. Done.

 

 

See? There is a reason for my very harsh postings! Shakes up a person and snaps them back to reality. It's not to demean of course, however, at first glance it does, at least it seems to at least to cheaters. It does demean cheaters though(gotta break a few eggs to make that cake!). I prefer it to "shock and awe" of some sorts! Only the most unremorseful cheaters aren't effected by it, then again, years later it may hit them! It doesn't lose potency with time! Exposes real life in the dirty and raw situation/s. Payback's a Bitch against cheaters!:cool: Sometimes it doesn't happen till years later, but it happens!

 

You ought to know, Darth Vader don't play!

[Steadfast]

 

See? There is a reason for my very harsh postings! Shakes up a person and snaps them back to reality.

 

 

Sure man, I get it.

 

With all due respect, I don't (didn't) personally need those graphic reminders. In fact, it took a great deal of mental training to let those visions go. It's kind of like the rest of the 'post cheating' anger. Once it has served its purpose it's time to let it go and move on. Then again, I too recognize the mistakes and lack of fortitude many betrayed spouses exhibit. Especially men, you know? That's one thing women don't really seem to get or acknowledge; no matter how much it offends them, all men on some level equate their spouses to their mother; we like being cared for and pampered when we're sick and soothed when we're sore or upset.

 

Do that often and you're labeled a wimp. Too little and you're closed off.

 

I like what W_N said in a earlier post; he's honest even if he's not sure exactly why he feels that way. Like any 'relationship' each person brings their own strengths and weaknesses. You have a message Darth. I'm not sure if it's from the dark side tho. More like the power of the smart side-

[What_Next]

Last night was VERY hard. At one point I ended up on the floor in the fetal position crying. All my emotions came out again.

 

I was home alone initially and tried to begin packing again, but couldn't. Every time I did I got angry, or sad or some other bloody emotion.

 

Luckily the new person in my life and some friends were there to help me through it. Even Donewrong was there, but she really couldn't help me. In fact her being there made things worse for me.

 

I just want to get out of here and move into my new place.

[tojaz]

Last night was VERY hard. At one point I ended up on the floor in the fetal position crying. All my emotions came out again.

 

I was home alone initially and tried to begin packing again, but couldn't. Every time I did I got angry, or sad or some other bloody emotion.

 

Luckily the new person in my life and some friends were there to help me through it. Even Donewrong was there, but she really couldn't help me. In fact her being there made things worse for me.

 

I just want to get out of here and move into my new place.

 

Sounds like something unresolved my friend. Something you should take a closer look at.

 

TOJAZ

[Chrome Barracuda]

Why does this woman have so much power over your emotions? Man up.

 

If your getting divorced why are you so worried about getting back down the road. Just focus on you and your well being. What if you meet a great female, why would you even go backwards to an x who treated you like crap.

 

Self respect homie get some.

[hopesndreams]

Last night was VERY hard. At one point I ended up on the floor in the fetal position crying. All my emotions came out again.

 

I was home alone initially and tried to begin packing again, but couldn't. Every time I did I got angry, or sad or some other bloody emotion.

 

Luckily the new person in my life and some friends were there to help me through it. Even Donewrong was there, but she really couldn't help me. In fact her being there made things worse for me.

 

I just want to get out of here and move into my new place.

 

It's good to cry! Tears are the best release for all the anxiety, tension and heartbreak. Never be ashamed of it. Who doesn't feel better after a good cry?

 

Do look forward to the day you walk out that door. It will happen soon. Days are dragging for you right now, you are fearful yet excited at the prospect of a new life without the source/reason/cause of your pain being physically present. It's all very emotional.

 

You will be able to put the past behind you and deal with all the past hurts, once you are in your own space and no longer sharing a roof with the person that is causing you such grief.

 

You will get through this. You will be happy again. Think positive!

[What_Next]

Chrome Barracuda, there's no need to "man up". I certainly don't need to prove my manhood to anyone. Good god. Of course she has a pull on me, I've spent the last 20 years with her.

 

Tojaz, there's nothing to examine or there is nothing unresolved. She cheated, the marriage ends, simple. Of course the reality is a little more complicated than that, but that fact remains.

 

Hopesndreams you are right and in fact I feel much better today. This morning was REALLY bad with her coming at me and trying to get inside my head as much as she could. She's angry about my new relationship but heavens knows why.

 

I will survive and I will thrive. I'll just be a little slow out of the gate for a while.

[Darth Vader]

Sure man, I get it.

 

With all due respect, I don't (didn't) personally need those graphic reminders. In fact, it took a great deal of mental training to let those visions go. It's kind of like the rest of the 'post cheating' anger. Once it has served its purpose it's time to let it go and move on. Then again, I too recognize the mistakes and lack of fortitude many betrayed spouses exhibit. Especially men, you know? That's one thing women don't really seem to get or acknowledge; no matter how much it offends them, all men on some level equate their spouses to their mother; we like being cared for and pampered when we're sick and soothed when we're sore or upset.

 

Do that often and you're labeled a wimp. Too little and you're closed off.

 

I like what W_N said in a earlier post; he's honest even if he's not sure exactly why he feels that way. Like any 'relationship' each person brings their own strengths and weaknesses. You have a message Darth. I'm not sure if it's from the dark side tho. More like the power of the smart side-[/QUOTE]

 

 

Perhaps a little of both!

[Darth Vader]

Last night was VERY hard. At one point I ended up on the floor in the fetal position crying. All my emotions came out again.

 

I was home alone initially and tried to begin packing again, but couldn't. Every time I did I got angry, or sad or some other bloody emotion.

 

Luckily the new person in my life and some friends were there to help me through it. Even Donewrong was there, but she really couldn't help me. In fact her being there made things worse for me.

 

I just want to get out of here and move into my new place.

 

Perhaps it's better for her to see what she's done to you, Life F u c k i n Sucks!

[Darth Vader]

Chrome Barracuda, there's no need to "man up". I certainly don't need to prove my manhood to anyone. Good god. Of course she has a pull on me, I've spent the last 20 years with her.

 

Tojaz, there's nothing to examine or there is nothing unresolved. She cheated, the marriage ends, simple. Of course the reality is a little more complicated than that, but that fact remains.

 

Hopesndreams you are right and in fact I feel much better today. This morning was REALLY bad with her coming at me and trying to get inside my head as much as she could. She's angry about my new relationship but heavens knows why.

 

I will survive and I will thrive. I'll just be a little slow out of the gate for a while.

 

 

I think I know why. You're moving on, and leaving her sorry ASS! She had her fun, now she doesn't want you to have any, talk about selfish!BTW, was your Ex controlling to you? I seem to get that from her on some strange level. Like a passive controlling attitude. I'm sure she still reads LS, she'll see this post.

[FanFan]

 

Hopesndreams you are right and in fact I feel much better today. This morning was REALLY bad with her coming at me and trying to get inside my head as much as she could. She's angry about my new relationship but heavens knows why.

 

I will survive and I will thrive. I'll just be a little slow out of the gate for a while.

 

Wasn't she supposed to take your car to meet up with boy toy?

[tojaz]

Tojaz, there's nothing to examine or there is nothing unresolved. She cheated, the marriage ends, simple. Of course the reality is a little more complicated than that, but that fact remains.

 

If it were that simple, then you wouldn't have been crying on the floor the other night. Try as you might to be strong, to move on, to be tough. Change of venue, another woman, makes little difference.

 

As always WhatNext I'm not just spouting off but speaking from experience.

 

TOJAZ

[What_Next]

Darth Vader, you are right, very right. Yes I am moving on. I am moving forward with my life. For now that even includes another person, but that's of little consequence.

 

Fanfan she did take my truck last night to "visit with friends", however deep down I think she was planning to see her OM. In the end though it fell through because she was home within a few hours. Not sure actually but if she had, it would have been fine with me.

 

Tojaz, in this case I think your agony over the loss of your marriage is clouding your advice. You've said how much you wanted your wife, how much you wanted the marriage to survive. I do not. There is absolutely no chance for our marriage to survive. It ended the night she fu___ed the OM the first time. It ended.

 

With the help of my mother she calmed, and she's left me be. She's gone tonight at a guides event with our child. I will pack and get as much done as I can.

[Steadfast]

 

This morning was REALLY bad with her coming at me and trying to get inside my head as much as she could. She's angry about my new relationship but heavens knows why.

 

 

You're not being honest with yourself W_N. You know why. It doesn't matter that she cheated or still is. Her feelings of insecurity, jealousy or whatever exist even if she's in no position to contest your actions.

 

In my opinion, you have no business being in another relationship while you are still married. Morals aside, you are clearly dealing with the loss of your wife and marriage, yet (if you're honest) this woman is around; acting as the hammer you're swinging to disassemble your marriage. With all those conflicting emotions, it's no wonder you are breaking down.

 

And I say this knowing that she may be a wonderful, loving woman who's ten-times the catch of your STBX. That matters not. She's a rebound and she would not be in your life had your wife not cheated. This can't be easy for her, but life is hard and many -if not most- grab onto companionship when and where they can get it. I say this from experience W_N. I did it too, with predictable results.

 

There is nothing wrong with being alone and at the same time, it's normal to fear it too. I don't think we're wired to be alone. But the problem here is the why, not the who. Deep down you know this. You're making it harder by trying to make it easier; feeling justified to do whatever you want to make it through. It does not work that way. The same rules apply to all, it does not matter if you're the cheater or the cheated. That's the facts.

 

Time to revisit the whole thing and set your path straight. It isn't too late.

Edited September 25, 2010 by Steadfast

[trippi1432]

Hi W_N - I know that this is a crazy time for you...the emotion, the pain, the anger.....believe me, there are a lot of people who share your pain there. But some advice, don't feed the animal (and I say that in singular form, because that "animal" is our mental state of mind) during all of this...you need to think clearly and that pain can be such a fog.

 

I've been right where you are, having to decide if I wanted to save my marriage. Later to find out it was all a lie and he was with someone else...still is to this day a year later. I couldn't take him back because he wasn't willing to leave his OW to work on our marriage or to even try to reconcile. When he asked me if there was a chance for us, I had to say NO because he was sitting in her living room with her asleep in their bed.

 

I see your wife trying to make an effort...one that I was not afforded. Has she done wrong...yes, and she has to answer to it. But this, moving head long right into another relationship is too soon and only driving more of a wedge between your heart and hers...not to mention the other woman. I know you are thinking, she already did the damage....but somewhere before any of it....the damage was already there on both sides...was it not?

[What_Next]

Steadfast while you have the right to your opinion I feel you are wrong. I have every right to enter into a new relationship. I've put my life on hold for her now for 6 months. Why must I continue to do that? Why must I continue to suffer as a result of her cheating? Why?

 

Disassembling our marriage? Really? Well she did that all on her own by cheating. I DID NOT MAKE THAT DECISION!!!!!!!!!!!! She did.

 

Is this a rebound thing? Of course it is, will it succeed in the long term? Unlikely. However, who's to say it won't.

 

It isn't too late? You are not SERIOUSLY with a straight face saying that I should take her back right? You cannot seriously be suggesting that. Oh my heavens. Oh my heavens. SHE CHEATED!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In my world there is no second chance in a marriage. You cheat, it's over, period.

 

I broke down because of all of the pressures on me. Work, home, my child, you name it. Pure and simple. If she had of just backed off and let me be I would have been just fine.

 

I do not want to appear as though I am lashing out at you steadfast, I am certainly not. However, a few on here have suggested this and I think the concept is revolting. So I have to go through life with ZERO trust, with ZERO communication? Every time she goes out I wonder if it is to sleep with another man? Really? What kind of life is that?

[What_Next]

I see your wife trying to make an effort...one that I was not afforded. Has she done wrong...yes, and she has to answer to it. But this, moving head long right into another relationship is too soon and only driving more of a wedge between your heart and hers...not to mention the other woman. I know you are thinking, she already did the damage....but somewhere before any of it....the damage was already there on both sides...was it not?

 

 

Umm, OK, what effort? Sill lieing? Still holding back the truth? Umm what effort? If could post some of the things she's done in the past week on this forum everyone would shake their heads and perhaps not be so quick to judge me.

 

Driving a wedge between my heart and hers? Are you for real? Sorry trippi, you and I have agreed and disagreed here on LS, but this is definitely in the latter category.

 

PLEASE EVERYONE, HERE THIS!!!! I AM DIVORCING HER. Period. SHE CHEATED!! She gives up the right to be my husband. Was I part of the cause? Of course, however, she cheated! I cannot make that clear enough.

 

God everyone is assuming I am marrying this woman. My heavens we are dating. The wedding bells aren't ringing just yet. Sheesh.

[trippi1432]

Totally understandable, but one thing at at time W_N...breath...you're not even giving yourself a chance to breath. Not about your wife, not about your new woman....about you.

[LittleTiger]

W_N, people are saying what they're saying because they have been in your shoes - not the exact same ones of course, but ones that are very similar. Most of us here have some understanding of how you are feeling.

 

The woman you are dating clearly knows the situation, if she saw you break down then she will be aware of what she's risking. That's her decision. Having been through a painful divorce I know I would NEVER date a separated man -there is too much 'stuff' that hasn't been dealt with, too much hurt, too much trauma, too much anger .......... the list goes on.

 

Everybody here is trying to offer you the benefit of their experience, they want to save you any more heartache. The truth is you will do whatever you can to ease the pain you're feeling right now. You won't listen to other's advice because what you think you need is to 'move on'.

 

I met somebody on the rebound and he got very badly hurt because I wasn't ready. I thought I was, but I wasn't and I still feel guilty that my own need for 'someone to hang to' as my life fell apart caused some innocent person so much pain. I didn't do myself or my ex any favours either. It was just another emotional rollercoaster to add to the one we were both already on.

 

Do what you need to do to get you through, but trust the good people on here who are doing their best to help. You still have a long way to go before you're fully recovered from this. As much as you may hate to think it, you aren't really ready to move on with your life.

 

I can understand your need to end this marriage - your wife cheated, the trust is gone and for you that's a deal breaker. You've made the rational decision with your head. However, it's interesting that you continue to say the door to reconciliation may be open in the future. To me, that says a lot about the confused feelings still going on in your heart.

[What_Next]

Trippi, I understand what you are saying. I also agree. Like I said the wedding bells aren't ringing just yet. We just like each others company.

 

LittleTiger I appreciate your post. It rings true. Most definitely I do understand what you are saying. I also agree with some of what you are saying. Yes the new person knows what is going on and yes the risk is hers. Like I've said now quite a few times I think people are jumping the gun on this relationship, it's just company.

 

I'll keep posting and I'll keep asking for opinions even if I don't like what I hear. I'm smart enough to know that I've never been here before and I need advice.

[Steadfast]

At the risk of sounding like a complete fool, I'd like to say 'You're my boy' W_N. That is to mean I'm in your corner. We're in your corner. All of these great posters. Wonderful people all, I'm sure. Aren't you? Look at the outpour of emotion and care concerning your situation. It's amazing!

 

You have every right to divorce this woman. Some people can get past it, some can't. Some couples can, some can't. The difference is huge...can you see why? Both separately have to want it and work out their issues, then work together to make it happen. When you consider that a cheater is involved in the process, it's no wonder successful recons are so rare.

 

About your lady friend. I won't ask but if you've been intimate then she's more than company. If you haven't it isn't a relationship, it's a friendship. Except for a lust fit, most take sex as a manifestation of something deeper.

 

In my opinion anyone just six-months out and after enduring all you've been through isn't ready to take on the emotional baggage. Understand that (even with the issues) I loved being married to my wife and the thought of her with someone else was almost too much to take. But, I can say that I did the real, lasting healing when I was alone. No relations.

 

There is a reason so many advise not to rush into another relationship. Six months is a good start, but the real healing has not started yet. It will tho. That's what I meant by saying it's not too late W_N. It isn't. You'll be fine.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I'm a straight shooter. You know that all this talk about idk if well get back together in the long term? Wtf why are you even considering it. That denotes that all the emotional turmoil she's causing. Your basically gonna give her a second chance but y? As of now even now she's still in the affair.

[hopesndreams]

You're not being honest with yourself W_N. You know why. It doesn't matter that she cheated or still is. Her feelings of insecurity, jealousy or whatever exist even if she's in no position to contest your actions.

 

In my opinion, you have no business being in another relationship while you are still married. Morals aside, you are clearly dealing with the loss of your wife and marriage, yet (if you're honest) this woman is around; acting as the hammer you're swinging to disassemble your marriage. With all those conflicting emotions, it's no wonder you are breaking down.

 

And I say this knowing that she may be a wonderful, loving woman who's ten-times the catch of your STBX. That matters not. She's a rebound and she would not be in your life had your wife not cheated. This can't be easy for her, but life is hard and many -if not most- grab onto companionship when and where they can get it. I say this from experience W_N. I did it too, with predictable results.

 

There is nothing wrong with being alone and at the same time, it's normal to fear it too. I don't think we're wired to be alone. But the problem here is the why, not the who. Deep down you know this. You're making it harder by trying to make it easier; feeling justified to do whatever you want to make it through. It does not work that way. The same rules apply to all, it does not matter if you're the cheater or the cheated. That's the facts.

 

Time to revisit the whole thing and set your path straight. It isn't too late.

 

Beautiful post Steadfast.