What next

[What_Next]

Last night my child and I got to spend the night together. We went out and got her some things to help her settle into her new reality. That made her feel a lot better.

 

She's with me again tonight as well and I cannot wait. It is exhausting being a single parent, but hell millions of people do it all the time and I am lucky in that I have a good job and a nice place to live.

 

Steadfast your post was SO helpful, it is almost like you are inside my head when you wrote it. I am contacting her less and it does help. She is also contacting me less and that does help. I'd like to be able to cut off contact all together but that is not possible. We have went over a week without physically seeing each other and that is a step in the right direction.

 

You are so right when you say that she will become someone else's problem. She is already turned back to her old ways in terms of trolling the Internet for people to get involved with, but you know what that's not MY concern anymore. She claims to be sorry, she claims that she would never cheat again, but ultimately these are just words, no actions behind them. She's done little since D-day to actually prove herself a trustworthy person. In the end though that does not matter.

 

I am scared to death with my new relationship, largely because of the fear of being cheated on again, and to give my heart to someone. However, as long as we progress slowly I will adjust.

 

Right now my primary focus is on my child and myself. I am taking it day by day.

[FanFan]

 

You are so right when you say that she will become someone else's problem. She is already turned back to her old ways in terms of trolling the Internet for people to get involved with, but you know what that's not MY concern anymore. She claims to be sorry, she claims that she would never cheat again, but ultimately these are just words, no actions behind them. She's done little since D-day to actually prove herself a trustworthy person. In the end though that does not matter.

 

How did you find out?

[What_Next]

FanFan, silly facebook is how. We have mutual friends. I have pulled back from that place as it honestly annoys the hell outta me. It's no surprise that she would continue this behavior, she's done it now for years with no negative consequences (well apart from me leaving her), so why change now.

 

Honestly, I don't much care one way or the other.

[FanFan]

FanFan, silly facebook is how. We have mutual friends. I have pulled back from that place as it honestly annoys the hell outta me. It's no surprise that she would continue this behavior, she's done it now for years with no negative consequences (well apart from me leaving her), so why change now.

 

Honestly, I don't much care one way or the other.

 

What happened to the boy toy?

[What_Next]

What happened to the boy toy?

 

 

No idea, she said before I left she terminated all contact but that was a load off bulls__t. No matter.

[Steadfast]

Hey W_N are you hungry? There's some spam right here...above my head.

 

Many don't realize that over the course of time we train ourselves to think, feel and stay connected to someone. Women I think...may not take into account man's instinctive habit to protect. That's why breakups are so hard for many men...in our own way, and especially when cheating is involved, something vitally important and special gets burned up inside.

 

After that, it's like any other pain. We instinctively shy away from it.

 

Six or seven months after my divorce, I was having beers with a buddy who asked how I was doing. Included in my (mostly positive) answer was a nagging doubt that I'd ever really get over her, and despite all that had happened I had to admit that I still missed her. "OK" he said," "answer me this; if you'd just met her then found out what she had done and what kind of person she was, would you still be interested enough to date her?"

 

The honest answer was no and that's when it hit me; I'd come farther that I'd given myself credit for.

 

Train the mind and the heart will eventually follow. Just remember who did what, and why. If you don't know, that's OK. She probably doesn't either-

[What_Next]

Steadfast, another fantastic post.

 

The irony is that I've had this discussion with my new woman. I asked her point blank almost from the word go if she had ever cheated. If her answer was yes it would have been full stop. I know some might not agree with me, but I'd NEVER EVER get involved with someone who cheated. It's a deal breaker for me.

 

I am still attracted to my STBX, that's still there, likely will be for a long time, but if I knew what she had done would I date her? No, 100% no.

 

Further to that, right now I don't know if I could date someone that had not been through a divorce. My reasoning is that they might not be able to understand the intense pain that happens through a divorce.

 

I am making forward progress each day, but it is very hard. I am so very lucky to have found someone with the patience to see me through it. We talk openly about it, but we don't let it monopolize the conversation. It helps that she can empathize with what I am going through.

[hopesndreams]

A nice soft cushion to land? Is that what the new interest is? What kind of woman would put herself in that position? You have told her you still love your wife, right?

 

It helps that she can empathize with what I am going through.

 

How does she empathize? Was she once cheated on? I once had empathy for my ex who was cheated on even though I knew he had cheated on her too. Yeah, I was none too bright in those days.

[What_Next]

A nice soft cushion to land? Is that what the new interest is? What kind of woman would put herself in that position? You have told her you still love your wife, right?

 

Wow, well once again we seem to disagree. You presume to know me too well my dear. So how exactly do you determine I still love her?

 

I hope some day you can get over your bitterness.

[Steadfast]

W_N, you're a big boy and you'll do what you feel best, but understand that you ARE taking a risk my getting involved with someone else so soon. There is no sugar-coating it. H-n-D might be laying on the tough love, but don't make the mistake of being defensive. Chances are she wouldn't respond if she didn't care. I see an emotional attachment.

 

You do love your wife. There is no shame in that. Your current GF certainly does (or should) share your concerns and issues. Relationships should be entered into by two mutually attracted people. Factor in other, non 'traditional' reasons like comfort, companionship or security and you're adding an emotional burden to the relationship's long term viability. As I'm sure we all agree, getting on is hard enough as it is. Your thoughts?

 

I will go on record here and say the first relationship I had after my marriage ended was a godsend. Even though it ended (and not painlessly) I will forever be grateful to that woman. Her care, concern and the affection she gave me revived a heart that was kicked, broken and fire-stormed with grief. For as long as I live, I'll will never forget her.

[What_Next]

First, Hopesndreams sorry for lashing out at you. It was a defense mechanism. Now I could have edited the post, but I chose not to. I wanted to leave it as a reminder and also as proof that shen I make a mistake I can man up to it.

 

Now of course I care for my wife, however not in a relationship way, but rather a mother of my child way. I do not want her in my life in a romantic manner any longer. Nor do I want her to exert any more control over my emotional well being. She has proven that she will only hurt me and I suffer. I need to protect myself from that.

 

Steadfast, I do realize that this relationship has a limited chance of survival in the longer term. In fact we BOTH know this and we have also talked about this at length. She is well aware of all the risks as I have been 100% honest with her throughout the journey. That's why we are both taking it so slowly. Much like you steadfast I suspect that if this ends then I will also be grateful to her. However, I cannot predict the future as my crystal ball is in the shop.

[2.50 a gallon]

HnD

 

Why do you want W-N to look for a hard place to land?

 

As for him still loving his STBXW, why is that an issue? Of course he does. When I broke up with my XW and had relations with the associate OM's wife, part of the reason was I was still madly in love with my XW. And for that very reason, in order for me to survive I had to find a way to move on before I was destroyed.

 

And for the record, even though it has been over three decades, there is still a little part of me that still loves her and probably always will. I will forever remember the scene of this beautiful goddess walking down the aisle in her wedding dress to take her vows with me. I will never forget that she gave me this dream of having a home and family. And I will never forget that her actions destroyed that dream.

[What_Next]

I would like to post a retraction of sorts. I had posted that my STBX went back to the Internet trolling for men. Well that appears not to be the case. The last thing I want to do is to spread untruths about her.

 

At this point my focus (as does hers) is our child and accepting the new roles as co-parents.

 

I wake up in the middle of the night some times in a cold sweat when the stark realization that my family has been torn out of my hands hits me like a tonne of bricks. I will survive and I will thrive, but not before facing this new reality.

[imagine]

I would like to post a retraction of sorts. I had posted that my STBX went back to the Internet trolling for men. Well that appears not to be the case. The last thing I want to do is to spread untruths about her.

 

 

How were you deceived into thinking this about your STBX?

[hopesndreams]

How were you deceived into thinking this about your STBX?

 

OP's stbxw reads his posts and sets him straight.

[hopesndreams]

HnD

 

Why do you want W-N to look for a hard place to land?

 

As for him still loving his STBXW, why is that an issue? Of course he does. When I broke up with my XW and had relations with the associate OM's wife, part of the reason was I was still madly in love with my XW. And for that very reason, in order for me to survive I had to find a way to move on before I was destroyed.

 

And for the record, even though it has been over three decades, there is still a little part of me that still loves her and probably always will. I will forever remember the scene of this beautiful goddess walking down the aisle in her wedding dress to take her vows with me. I will never forget that she gave me this dream of having a home and family. And I will never forget that her actions destroyed that dream.

 

In reference to what is bolded. How can you?

 

You spent too many years carousing and enjoying the affections of married women. Inflicting hurt and pain the same way you yourself experienced it.

 

Sure, everything is fine and dandy for you now, but how long again did it take you to get to that point? 15 years? Is that the same sort of thing you recommend for everyone? Filling the void, having a soft place to land? Don't you think, looking back, if you had dwelt with your pain instead of covering it up with distractions, as in healing, you would have led a better life filled with goodness or do you look upon those years as glory days?

[hopesndreams]

First, Hopesndreams sorry for lashing out at you. It was a defense mechanism. Now I could have edited the post, but I chose not to. I wanted to leave it as a reminder and also as proof that shen I make a mistake I can man up to it.

 

Now of course I care for my wife, however not in a relationship way, but rather a mother of my child way. I do not want her in my life in a romantic manner any longer. Nor do I want her to exert any more control over my emotional well being. She has proven that she will only hurt me and I suffer. I need to protect myself from that.

Steadfast, I do realize that this relationship has a limited chance of survival in the longer term. In fact we BOTH know this and we have also talked about this at length. She is well aware of all the risks as I have been 100% honest with her throughout the journey. That's why we are both taking it so slowly. Much like you steadfast I suspect that if this ends then I will also be grateful to her. However, I cannot predict the future as my crystal ball is in the shop.

 

Thx for the apology WN. You didn't need to. I have a tough skin.

 

For what is bolded. Absolutely agree. Self-preservation, survival and accepting yourself will go a long way in keeping your distance from someone who has inflicted hurt and who will continue to do so given half the chance.

[hopesndreams]

W_N, you're a big boy and you'll do what you feel best, but understand that you ARE taking a risk my getting involved with someone else so soon. There is no sugar-coating it. H-n-D might be laying on the tough love, but don't make the mistake of being defensive. Chances are she wouldn't respond if she didn't care. I see an emotional attachment.

 

You do love your wife. There is no shame in that. Your current GF certainly does (or should) share your concerns and issues. Relationships should be entered into by two mutually attracted people. Factor in other, non 'traditional' reasons like comfort, companionship or security and you're adding an emotional burden to the relationship's long term viability. As I'm sure we all agree, getting on is hard enough as it is. Your thoughts?

 

I will go on record here and say the first relationship I had after my marriage ended was a godsend. Even though it ended (and not painlessly) I will forever be grateful to that woman. Her care, concern and the affection she gave me revived a heart that was kicked, broken and fire-stormed with grief. For as long as I live, I'll will never forget her.

 

Thx for your support Steadfast. I admire every post you write and have learned from them. You are so very wise.

[2.50 a gallon]

H-D

 

It played out the way it played out Every recovery is differnt.

 

But you still have not answered the question

 

Why would you wish W-N a hard landing over a soft landing?

[What_Next]

Another week has passed and things are starting to sort themselves out. I had my daughter this weekend and we had a blast. It was rocky to start out with some confusion over custody boundaries, but we managed to get through it. She and I talked over the weekend and last night about things and it helped us both I believe.

 

STBX and I communicated pretty well throughout the weekend and I even managed to hand off some items to her in person on Saturday. I sensed something was up with her but she was coy. She told me later in the evening that she had been on a date. Now I knew this was coming sooner or later and I was anticipating it. However, I did not react as I had thought I would.

 

It threw me for a loop of sorts. Just a final realization that things are over I guess. Despite us txt'ing back and forth and discussing things there is a definite change to the dynamic now. I'll be the first to admit that it was very hard realizing that she has moved on. Even in the face of that I had already been dating.

 

I will sort my own feelings out over the next little while and continue to be the best father I can to my child. STBX moves this coming weekend and we say a final good bye to the place we called home for 9 years. It will be bitter sweet. That place is chock full of amazing memories and some awful ones as well.

 

An emotional time to say the least. To anyone out there that has hung on and read this thread (I am sure there aren't very many that read the entire thing) and are thinking of cheating, I BEG YOU, I PLEAD WITH YOU, DON'T!!!! The emotional toll on everyone involved will be greater than you could ever imagine. I don't claim to be innocent in this, far from it, but I do believe that no one deserves to be treated like this.

[HopelessinDTW]

Another week has passed and things are starting to sort themselves out. I had my daughter this weekend and we had a blast. It was rocky to start out with some confusion over custody boundaries, but we managed to get through it. She and I talked over the weekend and last night about things and it helped us both I believe.

 

STBX and I communicated pretty well throughout the weekend and I even managed to hand off some items to her in person on Saturday. I sensed something was up with her but she was coy. She told me later in the evening that she had been on a date. Now I knew this was coming sooner or later and I was anticipating it. However, I did not react as I had thought I would.

 

It threw me for a loop of sorts. Just a final realization that things are over I guess. Despite us txt'ing back and forth and discussing things there is a definite change to the dynamic now. I'll be the first to admit that it was very hard realizing that she has moved on. Even in the face of that I had already been dating.

 

I will sort my own feelings out over the next little while and continue to be the best father I can to my child. STBX moves this coming weekend and we say a final good bye to the place we called home for 9 years. It will be bitter sweet. That place is chock full of amazing memories and some awful ones as well.

 

An emotional time to say the least. To anyone out there that has hung on and read this thread (I am sure there aren't very many that read the entire thing) and are thinking of cheating, I BEG YOU, I PLEAD WITH YOU, DON'T!!!! The emotional toll on everyone involved will be greater than you could ever imagine. I don't claim to be innocent in this, far from it, but I do believe that no one deserves to be treated like this.

Well your last paragraph really hits home. On top of it my stbx is fighting to keep me from getting 50/50 custody of the kids. The problem is cheaters can't think of anyone except themselves. By the time they realize what they have done the damage is done. My stbx demolished our family. My parents are a complete mess because of all this. My kids are ok, but my oldest (5 yo) goes to a therapist and still acts out because of now living in two households. My stbx is completely uncooperative with regard to communicating about the kids. All the while, she's having an affair...will probably marry the OM eventually...and I'm here wondering wtf happened to my life. I still have dreams at night where we are together. But then I wake up and realize that it was just a dream. What she has done to me, our kids, my family...I cannot ever forget. I hope eventually I can forgive, but right now I cannot. I have honored everyone of her wishes throughout the divorce process...yet she still does things to exclude me from the lives of the children. Still speaks badly of me in front of them. I know all this happening for a reason...but it feels so bad when your neck deep in it. I hope you can find solice in the fact that these things happen for a reason, and that karma is a real thing. I really believe out exes will never be happy...they will always find something to jump from to another.

[Steadfast]

 

My stbx demolished our family. My parents are a complete mess because of all this. My kids are ok, but my oldest (5 yo) goes to a therapist and still acts out because of now living in two households. My stbx is completely uncooperative with regard to communicating about the kids. All the while, she's having an affair...will probably marry the OM eventually...and I'm here wondering wtf happened to my life. I still have dreams at night where we are together. But then I wake up and realize that it was just a dream. What she has done to me, our kids, my family...I cannot ever forget. I hope eventually I can forgive, but right now I cannot. I have honored everyone of her wishes throughout the divorce process...yet she still does things to exclude me from the lives of the children. Still speaks badly of me in front of them. I know all this happening for a reason...but it feels so bad when your neck deep in it. I hope you can find solice in the fact that these things happen for a reason, and that karma is a real thing. I really believe out exes will never be happy...they will always find something to jump from to another.

 

 

It may be happening for a reason, but that doesn't make it a good reason. One can make themselves mad trying to figure it out, so there comes a point where you stop trying and just submit to the humanity. That means admitting to the love/hate, the confusion, and accepting it as a turning point in your life. Now, I understand it isn't what you wanted, worked or wished for, but the reality is the reality. It means finding yourself.

 

When people embrace wrong, there has to be some kind of safety valve; some kind of excuse that allows them to do so, lest they be branded for the selfish, cruel person that they truly are. For many, that logical person is the (ex) spouse; an easy target. What is not fully realized until much later is the terrible price one pays for doing this to another. The (stb) spouse is an easy mark; easily blamed with faults they for all practical purposes are valid and true. They didn't pay enough attention to me...they worked too much...they didn't work enough...they ate too much, drank too much, was gone too much, they didn't listen to me. We didn't talk.

 

Hard to argue with, huh? What to do? How does a miserable bastard deal?

 

You see it and accept it for what it is. So often, we carry the burdens and issues of our exes with us and when they are combined with our own, the weight of it is nearly impossible to bear. The only thing to do -the only thing one can do- is let it go. Why not? Can any of us change anything?

 

The key is to be nice.

 

For months and months I wasn't. I was bitter; angry and hurt. I smoked, didn't eat or sleep, and basically let my cheating wife's actions suck the life out of me. In time, the outside resembled the inside. Sullen. Empty. Friends were worried. Then, thanks to a dear friend who lives across the country, came the absolute best advice I ever received. "Just be nice" he said. "No matter what she says, or does. Just be nice. Do it. Trust me."

 

It wasn't easy, but as I trained myself it slowly became easier. Mentally, I just let her off the hook. I prayed for her. No excusing anything, I simply removed myself from the problem. Her problems and decisions. Not mine.

 

In time, her 'list' of complaints slowly faded away. I wouldn't argue, I didn't sulk. Amazingly, I didn't contact during her weeks of disappearance and greeted her with a smile when she broke radio silence. I took away any notch, groove or emotional ridge she could hang a rope of complaint on. Oh, she tried...but I'd just smile and shake my head. You crazy girl!

 

Now, with a wonderful girlfriend, a wonderful relationship with my kids (who want to...and do, live with their dad) but still dealing with the severe financial problems caused by the divorce, I'm back to getting her best twinkle, her best booty shot, her best flirty looks and (oh my!) her trust as someone she can 'confide' in. We're not friends or lovers (yet, she asked me out again this weekend) yet she sees me as someone so very special. And, more importantly (attractive?) unattainable. But inside, where I live, it's no joke. I would never, ever take her back. Love her? Yes. In love? Nope...not any more. I'm out of her league, even though her phone never stops beeping. The truth? They can have her...have it. Love beats pain.

[karnak]

We're not friends or lovers (yet, she asked me out again this weekend) yet she sees me as someone so very special. And, more importantly (attractive?) unattainable. But inside, where I live, it's no joke. I would never, ever take her back. Love her? Yes. In love? Nope...not any more. I'm out of her league, even though her phone never stops beeping. The truth? They can have her...have it. Love beats pain.

 

Do you think she's regaining feelings for you, Steadfast? Or it's just some sort of twisted game on her part, because you became "unattainable"? And what do you mean when her phone never "stops beeping"? Is she constantly calling you?

[The-Zen-Warrior]

Do you think she's regaining feelings for you, Steadfast? Or it's just some sort of twisted game on her part, because you became "unattainable"? And what do you mean when her phone never "stops beeping"? Is she constantly calling you?

 

In no way shape or form am I speaking for or on behalf of forum member Steadfast in regards to your question.

 

But in my case, and it now being over 2.5 years since my divorce was finalized. Since then, I, like Steadfast have incorporated the skill of being "nice" to the ex-wife. Like most the first 6-7 months, I was not so nice! But as time went on, I started to change, new friends, re-connections with family, going out on the town, new religion, new attitude, new ways of life, re-connections to old friends, re-modeled the house, bought a new car, had several quality girlfriends along the way, all the while being "nice" to my ex-wife.

 

Like Steadfast, I would bet that his ex-wife, like mine, notices the change or changes, on top of being nice about it, this made my ex-wife re-attracted to me. It's been coming on hard and heavy these past 6 months. We no longer really fight over anything, she told me she might as well not waste her time and energy doing that, for all she's going to get is calm words and a smile, why bother! Steadfast is right, take away the ex-wife's stock pile of emotion and mental ammunition by being "nice", it works.

 

More than likely with Steadfast, but absolutly true in my case, that my changes for the better have absolutely re-attracked my ex-wife on me. She has admitted it to my face, she often will say "Zen, what's with you anyways"? Even in these past 3-4 months my ex-wife has dared utter the words, "so Zen, you up for maybe a date"? What the hell, no way Jose, do not pass go, do not collect $200, go directly to being comfortable in ex-Husband land!

 

So karnak I don't feel what Steadfasts ex-wife is doing is a game! If the "killing them with kindness" is working for me, than more than likely it is working for Steadfast too. But safe to say, that it doesn't sound like either one of us is going back, I don't think we really want to! Plus, like Steadfast, I have a wonderful girlfriend right now, sweet, gentle, peaceful and for me an added plus (+) she is a devout Buddhist, just like me! Her name is Saya, and each day that goes by I get closer and closer to thinking that she may just be "the one"!

[shmuelik]

It seems that you guys don't fill your emotional needs for each other. I think the tips you are trying like:

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel

etc.

 

doesn't really help because your emotions are left out to . They only tell you WHAT to do. And I think its good to understand WHY to do these things.

 

But anyway. It seems to me that she feels emotionally deprived at least what I'm reading from you. The distance has grown in the both of you.

Now, I was on the verge of getting divorced till I figured that all the problems were because of me. Not that my wife didn't do things but I took the responsibility into my own hand and stopped victimizing myself.

What I found is that I had to give a lot to her and I didn't before. I'm a man and a man is a giver, the woman a receiver. And I have not 'given' to her at all. I'm not talking about gifts, or money etc. I'm talking emotionally. We men are fine with saying 'I love you' once in the beginning of our marriage and thats fine for the rest of the marriage. But women tick very much different. They need that stuff CONSTANTLY, really. I have tried it out. I started saying 'I love you', 'You look amazing', 'Thank you for the great food you cooked' etc. And you know what? Even if the food is not good yet or she does not dress well but the minute I gave her the compliments she wanted more and therefore she started putting in more efforts into these areas. I don't need to wait till I feel love for her, by saying 'I love you' I create a vessel so that I soon am able to feel it again.

Even if i didn't believe yet what I was saying I did it anyway and boom, it changed everything. Why? Because women need to be constantly assured that you are with them. They are by nature insecure, their universe is constantly moving, unstable, insecure unlike us men.

And I think thats a main key in starting a trusting relationship.

I'm writing a blog about these ideas because I think there is so much confusion about marriage and how to keep it. In the end its as simple as repairing a car, building a computer. WHY? Because its about to learn what to do and what to avoid.

I'm coming from a divorced home, my wife comes from a divorced home and we work our bud of to not get divorced and finding the key to stay married and love and respect each other.

Ahh, here is my blog: http://www.yes-my-wife.com

 

Let me know how it goes.