What next

[What_Next]

jnj, I hold no grudges here on LS, why would I? Your previous posts are of no bearing here.

 

We don't own we rent. We've already put in our 60 day notice. I leave on Oct 1 because I found a place first and she leaves on Nov 1.

 

We don't own anything else, "we" only had one leased vehicle, in my name and I am taking over the payments. There are debts of which we are sharing the payments.

 

There will be no custody battle. In one year from now I will divorce her officially since in Ontario after 1 year seperation there can be a divorce.

 

I will not be putting a deck on some lawyers house. If she wants a fight though I'll go that route should I have to, although that appears very unlikely. There's nothing to fight over.

 

Habs and Bitterman I fear you are both right, but hey I did try right?

[habs53]

jnj, I hold no grudges here on LS, why would I? Your previous posts are of no bearing here.

 

We don't own we rent. We've already put in our 60 day notice. I leave on Oct 1 because I found a place first and she leaves on Nov 1.

 

We don't own anything else, "we" only had one leased vehicle, in my name and I am taking over the payments. There are debts of which we are sharing the payments.

 

There will be no custody battle. In one year from now I will divorce her officially since in Ontario after 1 year seperation there can be a divorce.

 

I will not be putting a deck on some lawyers house. If she wants a fight though I'll go that route should I have to, although that appears very unlikely. There's nothing to fight over.

 

Habs and Bitterman I fear you are both right, but hey I did try right?

You certainly did. Much more than she deserved. All the best my friend.

[2.50 a gallon]

WN

 

Sorry this might take a couple of posts as I have problem getting error messages with long posts

 

I too got the details with her confession. The OM was an alcoholic and had problems with saluting much less performing. That an the images I had of her when I heard her performing a strip for the OM and the next door neighbor

 

Also, like you, I refused the XW's requests to see a MC. I was sure that it was useless and a waste of money. It was them images, that made it hopeless.

 

I took my separation on the run. We did not have any kids to complicate things, so I was able to just walk away. Actually move away, as I moved back into an environment that I was comfortable in, a singles apartment complex.

 

Once I got back into the dating scene, I never looked back. I used my anger and the images to further distance myself from her. My hatred for her slowly turned into indifference as my sex life returned to pre-marriage levels, and I almost forgot her.

 

For the first 3 - 4 years, she used to stab me in the back by sending me holiday (B-day / Xmas / Valentine & thinking of you) cards. That was about the only time that I thought of her.

 

Over the next decade I had a sex life that most men dream of. By then I was in my 40's and beginning to slow down.

[2.50 a gallon]

Sorry my friend, I will have to move to another thread, as I got the dreaded "Your submission could not be processed message

[What_Next]

2.50 a gallon, thanks for the post, I wish I could hear the rest of it. As it turns out her sexual encounters with this OM were terrible and it was horrible experience for her. The funny part is I could care less actually. It was not about the sex for her. Or so she says

 

The thing is those images are there, they are in my head and they will not come out. In the short term I am using them as fuel to push me along. I will use them as fuel to help me get packed and move and get through the first week, and the second week and so on. In that sense they are helping.

 

Things are also progressing well with my new lady. Slowly, but they are progressing. I am taking it VERY VERY slowly and I've decided to dictate the pace. For now it is working. We'll see where it goes.

 

Another day...

[2sunny]

As it turns out her sexual encounters with this OM were terrible and it was horrible experience for her. The funny part is I could care less actually. It was not about the sex for her. Or so she says

 

 

since she says it's not about the sex - we assume to know what it WASN'T about (the affair).

 

so what DID she say it WAS about? or has she even attempted to process why she did it.

[What_Next]

2sunny, the root cause was complicated and based on some long standing internal conflicts she has been dealing with for most of her life. She has started an intense route of IC.

 

For now though the motives are immaterial to me. I have only to deal with the aftermath and for me I need to find my own path to recovery.

[hopesndreams]

2.50 a gallon, thanks for the post, I wish I could hear the rest of it. As it turns out her sexual encounters with this OM were terrible and it was horrible experience for her. The funny part is I could care less actually. It was not about the sex for her. Or so she says

 

The thing is those images are there, they are in my head and they will not come out. In the short term I am using them as fuel to push me along. I will use them as fuel to help me get packed and move and get through the first week, and the second week and so on. In that sense they are helping.

 

Things are also progressing well with my new lady. Slowly, but they are progressing. I am taking it VERY VERY slowly and I've decided to dictate the pace. For now it is working. We'll see where it goes.

 

Another day...

 

Yes, keep moving forward. The fact that she is downplaying the A by saying how horrible the sex part was for her, (oh boo hoo), shows that there is no remorse. More lies on top of lies.

 

You got it together WN. I'm excited for you. New apartment just round the corner for you and even the new gf to put a smile on your face.

 

Well done!

[habs53]

Yes, keep moving forward. The fact that she is downplaying the A by saying how horrible the sex part was for her, (oh boo hoo), shows that there is no remorse. More lies on top of lies.

 

You got it together WN. I'm excited for you. New apartment just round the corner for you and even the new gf to put a smile on your face.

 

Well done!

I would have to agree with everything. Never believe a cheater. Never.

They are so wrapped up in lies and deceit that even when they tell the truth, nobody cares.

They have dug there own graves with nobody forcing them to, let them lie in it and rot.

[2sunny]

Yes, keep moving forward. The fact that she is downplaying the A by saying how horrible the sex part was for her, (oh boo hoo), shows that there is no remorse. More lies on top of lies.

 

You got it together WN. I'm excited for you. New apartment just round the corner for you and even the new gf to put a smile on your face.

 

Well done!

 

IF the sex was so bad with an affair partner - the bad sex wouldn't have been more than one time. but she has stated that it was multiple times. hmmm

[What_Next]

2sunny you nailed it right there. I asked her that point blank if it was so bad why go back. The answer was wrapped up in the fact that she wanted the attention he gave her. Honestly, this is all moote.

 

Discussing my ex wives sexual behavior with the OM on a forum, another first for me!!! HA. I will keep my sense of humour about the situation.

 

I thank everyone for their words of encouragement, they do mean a lot. Yes my apartment is but a few weeks away and the new G/F, well that is ongoing.

 

I am going to spend some time with friends this weekend and I am REALLY looking forward to it.

[trippi1432]

W_N - I can understand the side you are on right now, recall it much too well when the doors of what I perceived were oppression were opened to me, they made their bed now lie in it...I also recall months later getting the messages from my STBX (at the time) that the grass was not greener and wanting to come back; however, impossible since he was still living with the OW. (documented in my threads http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t210902/?highlight=Grass).

 

You are just starting down the path to healing, but the roller coaster is not completely over yet. You will find along your path a better way of doing things, you will discover things about yourself that you knew were there...your side of how it could have been better. Where you could have been better and where she could have too, but it is not a replication of your marriage, it is something entirely new. You will both have separate lives...don't look at hers as a measure of where you are or a measure of your self worth (I made that mistake and it nearly drove me mad).

 

Healing is not a competition; therefore, take it slow and learn more about yourself.....and be careful with the heart of this new person in your life....respect it, don't abuse it.

[2.50 a gallon]

When I started slowing down, it was also because I had finally met somebody special.

 

She was a dozen years younger than me, a work out queen (read buns of steel), she had a Mensa IQ, she could interpret and explain to me the latest findings of particle physics, we could talk for hours, and she liked football. She is the only person that I had ever met who could come close to beating me in backgammon about half the time. I am uneasy with the term soulmate, but other than my ex-fiance, she was the closest to describing that term that I had ever met. And she came from a family of substantial means, but she no longer needed her family support.

 

Her parents were down to earth and when talks began of bringing a pickup truck driving poor boy into the family, their response was "We want more grandkids"

 

I had always wanted kids, it was one of the reasons I was able to run from the XW as to me she was no longer good mother material.

 

On the other hand it was evident from the beginning that my new lady did have good mothering qualities. But that did not matter, as the devil half of me and the angel half of me were at odds, one said to stay and one said look what you are giving up.

 

Thus I began a long term on / off relationship. I always responded with a no thanks when she asked if I would accompany her on her exotic vacations. And I had no problem when she went with somebody else.

 

I could put my finger on it but there was something missing in our relationship. And I finally bolted and moved back to my home state.

 

Within months after moving home I met this long legged lady whom I was interested in, but she had a live-in BF. In such cases my modus operandi was to become their friend and wait for the BF to make a mistake and then be there when they needed someone to talk to.

 

It took two years, and with the first kiss, my player days were gone. She is way out of my league. We have been together now for coming up on 15 years, and we have a text book loving relationship.

 

Not everybody is lucky enough to find that some one special. We both feel that we got lucky to have a second chance, so both of us value what we have found.

[LittleTiger]

2sunny you nailed it right there. I asked her that point blank if it was so bad why go back. The answer was wrapped up in the fact that she wanted the attention he gave her. Honestly, this is all moote.

 

Hi What_Next, I've been following your entire thread and haven't said a word so far because I didn't feel able to contribute any more than other's already had.

 

I'm really pleased for you that you seem to be making decisions about your future and focusing on moving forward. It's been a really tough journey for you and I can understand your desire to leave the whole sorry mess behind you.

 

However, a word of caution. You may no longer care about the who's, what's, why's and wherefore's of your marital break down (at least you say you don't) because your marriage is over and done with. I would just like to say, as someone who is two years 'separated', only very recently divorced and happily settled in a relationship with a wonderful new partner, that anything your wife says about the break-up of your marriage is definitely NOT moot.

 

Ok, so you have no intention of reconciling with your wife, that's fine, but your relationship with any new partner is going to be affected by what happened in your marriage. I'm sure anybody on this board will say the same. The trick is to learn from your mistakes. I'm not condoning your wife's affair, nor am I saying it is your fault - she was the one who decided on that route and lied to you all the way. However, you are equally reponsible for your marriage reaching the point at which she considered having her affair. So, I believe, it is very important that you understand how she felt.

 

My new partner and I both have 'ghosts' from the past that are still haunting us. We have behaviours and ways of interacting, which we learned over the years with our respective spouses, that we are having to unlearn before they cause damage to our relationship too. We've both started IC for that reason. This relationship I have now is the best I've ever experienced and I want to make sure nothing gets in the way of it's long term survival.

 

Please don't be afraid to look back at the past and the ruins of your marriage. It could make all the difference to the quality/longevity of your relationships in the future.

 

I wish you all the best.

Edited September 16, 2010 by LittleTiger

[2.50 a gallon]

I lost another message to you

[What_Next]

LittleTiger, I completely understand what you are saying. I think what has not been understood here is that Donewrong and I are still talking, in fact we are talking more now than we ever did when we were married.

 

We have talked in depth about her affair, we have talked in depth about our marriage. She has helped me actually learn even now from the mistakes of our marriage. She is fully aware of how things are progressing with my new woman as well. She claims to be OK with it, although that remains to be seen.

 

I have full intentions of making the best out of a bad situation and to apply the lessons learned throughout the failure of our marriage. I will NEVER make these mistakes again. I also will NOT allow pent up hostility and bitterness tarness any future relationships. It just will not happen.

 

Will their be baggage? Yup, but hopefully not enough to doom my future relationships with new women.

 

2.50 a gallon, in all my posts here on LS I've never lost one. It's too bad that you are because your posts have been helpful.

[LittleTiger]

It's good that you are talking so much to your wife, What_Next, and I'm glad you are learning from it because it is so important. So much more important than you may realise right now.

 

Have a great weekend with your friends.

[What_Next]

You'd think I knew better right? You really think I would...

 

There was a large part of me that believed some of what she was saying. I tried to believe the fact that she was trying to tell the truth.

 

Bullsh_t. This morning I discovered the email that she REALLY used to talk to the OM. My belief is she never stopped.

 

Oh well, more fuel to continue on without her.

[hopesndreams]

No big surprise!

 

That's ok. We all fall for their bullsh_t!

 

Just a few little short weeks and your outta there. Then the PEACE will happen. If possible, NC her a** right now, unless it has something to do with your daughter. Don't engage her anymore. Ask no more questions. You're done right?

 

What is next? A new life. One free of deceit! It can be bliss, honestly. It's scary but exciting. A brand new adventure!

[2.50 a gallon]

Shortly after we separated I accidently discovered that I had a knack for historical research. It was a life changing event for me, it is now my lifes passion. When the XW and I separated, the odds of me thinking about writing anything other than a letter back home, was far greater than me being the eathling that the Martians come to and ask "Take me to you leader".

 

About five years later I was notified that I was to receive a plaque for something that I had wrote at a fund raising dinner. Please do not be impressed, the plaque cost them a mere couple of bucks, while it cost me over a hundred bucks for two tickets, as I noted it was a fund raisier. The only reason that I attended was that I knew that a writer whose works I had admired since child hood was also going to make a speech. That and it would give me a chance to finally meet a couple of others that I had corresponded with.

 

My date for the evening was the flavor of the month, whose name and face have long faded from memory.

 

I had a great time at the banquet, there I was, a factory worker sitting around talking shop with published writers. That is I when I realized that something was wrong with my life as I had no one to share this special moment in my life with. My date and I had met a only month or two earlier. We had no history between us. To her it was a chance to play dress up and have a good meal.

 

I also realized that even though I had a great social life, in actuality when it came to life itself, I was standing on the outside looking in.

[habs53]

You'd think I knew better right? You really think I would...

 

There was a large part of me that believed some of what she was saying. I tried to believe the fact that she was trying to tell the truth.

 

Bullsh_t. This morning I discovered the email that she REALLY used to talk to the OM. My belief is she never stopped.

 

Oh well, more fuel to continue on without her.

People that cheat lie lie lie. There is no other way.

[2sunny]

You'd think I knew better right? You really think I would...

 

There was a large part of me that believed some of what she was saying. I tried to believe the fact that she was trying to tell the truth.

 

Bullsh_t. This morning I discovered the email that she REALLY used to talk to the OM. My belief is she never stopped.

 

Oh well, more fuel to continue on without her.

 

what was in her email? did you tell her you found it?

 

my guess is that she also has another one you don't yet know about...

[willowthewisp]

Lied to everyone here on her thread about her remorse as well if it's still going on! Fancy coming on here to ask how to reconcile with What next and still carrying on her Affair. Guess someone is really scared of being on her own, cake eating.

[HopelessinDTW]

Doesn't matter currently, we now know that she's just a lier and she'll never tell him the whole truth, like all cheaters do. Lie, lie, lie. Glad this is just giving him more gun-powder to blast off into a new life.

Same with my stbx. I showed her the damn e-mails where she's saying she loves the OM, and won't be able to keep her hands off of him. She looked at it an denied it!!! Lying is like digging a hole, and you're in it. After lying for so long, and digging a hole...you cannot get out...all you can do is dig deeper to get away from reality. Do not try to ask any questions to the MLCer and expect anything other than a lie...that's rule #1 with an MLCer. The fact of the matter is if you look back at your marriage she's probably been lying all along, you just didn't notice it until now that you have your radar on full power. Now that we all 'see the light', do not try to figure them out...ket them live in their warped reality. So sad, so pathetic....

[What_Next]

On Friday she tried to justify still keeping the email address hidden, and there some was some truth to it, but there was still a lieing aspect to it as well.

 

At the end of the day I believe she still has trouble with telling the 100% truth. In some strange way I think she believes the more truth comes out the less likely I am to eventually reconcile. What she doesn't realize is that it is quite the opposite.

 

There were several events over the weekend that crystalized my determination to get out of this situation right now. I have to get my own place, my own space. So does she. There are just too many spinning plates right now and it is a bad scene for everyone concerned.

 

For now we have agreed to keep our distance as much as possible and begin to get our lives back on track.