What next

[tojaz]

Sounds like something unresolved my friend. Something you should take a closer look at.

 

TOJAZ

 

If it were that simple, then you wouldn't have been crying on the floor the other night. Try as you might to be strong, to move on, to be tough. Change of venue, another woman, makes little difference.

 

As always WhatNext I'm not just spouting off but speaking from experience.

 

TOJAZ

 

Tojaz, in this case I think your agony over the loss of your marriage is clouding your advice. You've said how much you wanted your wife, how much you wanted the marriage to survive. I do not. There is absolutely no chance for our marriage to survive. It ended the night she fu___ed the OM the first time. It ended.

 

With the help of my mother she calmed, and she's left me be. She's gone tonight at a guides event with our child. I will pack and get as much done as I can.

 

I don't recall saying anything about taking her back WN nor did I say anything about your reasoning. It is of little consequence to me if you remain married or not, I get no commission nor anything from trying to keep people together OR trying to help them move on. A look back through your thread and seeing the times i choose to post should show you that. Although I would ask who it was you were trying to convince, repeating that your done with her with one breathe and citing you don't know what the future may hold with the other.

 

My post was just as it said, that there IS something unresolved, and that moving out is not going to fix that for you. Does that mean reconcile? Absolutely not. You are fully in your right not to, and I cant say I wouldn't be the same way if I were faced with it.

 

The damage goes a lot deeper then should you stay together or not or where you live or who you share your bed with. If it didn't, I wouldn't be here, few of us would.

 

All I'm saying bud, is that somethings tugging at your heart strings powerful enough to put you on the ground, and thats something you need to face. There were two people that brought this marriage down, even if she did land the fatal blow, and whatever you don't resolve now your going to carry to the next one. Whoever that may be with.

 

TOJAZ

[hopesndreams]

Sometimes, it only takes 1 person to bring the marriage down and that 1 person lands the fatal blow. Sometimes, it's not about what you did or didn't do. Sometimes, it's just what 1 person wants to do, as in cheats, follows through with it and destroys a family.

[hopesndreams]

Being involved with another while going through this tumultuous time is a detriment to you.

 

As as previous poster has pointed out before, you can't help but wonder what kind of woman would want to be piggy in the middle. This possible "rebound" has no qualms or concerns about being in your life at this trying time. What is the motive behind that exactly? To pick up the pieces and make herself feel super important? I cant help but think someone that knowingly puts herself in the position of "piggy in the middle" is perhaps lacking self-esteem and hoping for a huge ego boost to make her out to be all that. In my view, she could possibly be an OW type of personality. The mentality of an OW is something you really need to concern yourself with. How dreadful for you to get through this despairing time only to find in the end, the woman you leaned on, is really just out for herself.

 

More background is needed on your new "love" interest to make a full assessment of course.

 

We care about you WN. We are not here to hurl insults. You let us into your life and we only want what's best. Please don't take offense.

[What_Next]

In a word, WOW!!!! Thanks so much to everyone.

 

Steadfast, very nice post. I also appreciate what you are saying re: any relationship.

 

Tojaz, I mis-understood your post before and I apologize for that. As usual you speak the truth.

 

Hopesndreams you are off base but you are entitled to your opinion. As for talking more about my new relationship, I cannot do that much right now. Donewrong still reads this board and I won't do that to her. Calling her my "love" interest is waaayyyy out in left field.

 

Hopesndreams I take NO offense trust me, my heavens no. Almost anyone that has followed me knows that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I so appreciate everyone still following along.

[tojaz]

In a word, WOW!!!! Thanks so much to everyone.

 

Steadfast, very nice post. I also appreciate what you are saying re: any relationship.

 

Tojaz, I mis-understood your post before and I apologize for that. As usual you speak the truth.

 

Hopesndreams you are off base but you are entitled to your opinion. As for talking more about my new relationship, I cannot do that much right now. Donewrong still reads this board and I won't do that to her. Calling her my "love" interest is waaayyyy out in left field.

 

Hopesndreams I take NO offense trust me, my heavens no. Almost anyone that has followed me knows that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I so appreciate everyone still following along.

 

WN, No worries man I get it. Im going to respect your wishes and not speak on your "friend". Except to point out that the rebound issues a lot of people have mentioned are very real and regardless of how you choose to define this relationship doesn't change that dynamic. Nobody on this board likes seeing anybody get hurt, and now there are three fragile hearts in the mix. Tread lightly my friend.

 

TOJAZ

[tojaz]

Sometimes, it only takes 1 person to bring the marriage down and that 1 person lands the fatal blow. Sometimes, it's not about what you did or didn't do. Sometimes, it's just what 1 person wants to do, as in cheats, follows through with it and destroys a family.

 

Depends how deep your willing to peel the onion H&D.

 

TOJAZ

[What_Next]

Tojaz, I do so understand the perils of the rebound relationship. In fact I suspect that this one qualfies.

 

I also recognize that now there are 3 people involved. I truely hope she doesn't get hurt. In fact I hope I don't get hurt either, well any more than I already have.

[trippi1432]

It's good you realize that WN...as Tojaz states...peeling the onion...there can be a core that none of us likes...sometimes didn't even deserve, neither did...but it's there, none-the-less.

[LittleTiger]

Depends how deep your willing to peel the onion H&D.

 

TOJAZ

 

I agree Tojaz.

 

Very scary, but worth doing if you have the courage.

 

In a marriage everything takes two - two to make it work and two to let it reach the point where it's weak enough to fall apart.

 

Sadly, once it's damaged, it only takes one to drive it straight into the rocks.

[2.50 a gallon]

W-N

 

Getting back into the dating scene worked for me, in that it I did not have to reside in the bottom of the pit of hopelessness and despair. There was life, there was sunshine and yes I could laugh again

 

But it was not a cureall. There were still times when I was so lonely I did cry. I made new friends and had some great times, but even when I was with my new friends, and had a date with me, the loneliness would get to me, as I knew that the gal I was seeing was not and never would be special. That deep in my soul, I wished that somehow I could have shared the closeness of my new good friends with my XW

 

I was fortunate in that I did not have to see the XW on a daily basis. She did make several attempts by dropping in to reconcile and talk to me. Each time, the images of what she had done, would appear and I was able to use them as a tool, to rebuff her advances. What she never knew that later that night the tears would come.

[You Go Girl]

I understand wanting the new woman in your life, WN. It's twofold really. One, you don't have to sit alone moping. Two, it's a safety net, to know that you are desirable.

I think though, that moving out is paramount. One shouldn't be living with their spouse and seeing someone else. I know, I did it.

But, that said, your head only truly clears during those hours and days spent without a date nearby. You do have to endure the pain of the breakup. You may see someone else in order to only have to take smaller bites of that pain on any given day, but you can't escape it.

 

Now, for the tough thing to say. You talk about a possible reconciliation in the future. It seems to me, that you are punishing your W. You will move out, you will see others, you will eventually have sex with some other person, and in order to say "now we're even" before you get back together again.

[2.50 a gallon]

" . . there are now three people involved . . " jumps out at me. What about your daughter? In the long run she might be the one you should be most concerned with.

 

In a couple of posts in DW's thread the two of you mention that a schism was forming between you and your daughter. I see that as a red flag.

 

This is a warning, you do not know how the actions of today are going to affect her actions when she becomes an adult. Both you and DW are at risk of losing your child. And I don't care what the experts say, there is no way to predict what is going to happen in the future.

 

I have seen it happen in way too many divorces, where the child when they become an adult will totally cut off one of their parents.

 

A case in point my sister and her XH. She married the son of a long time family friend. He was my best friend in high school, years later we worked together for years.

 

They had two teenage girls when they separated, they were old enough to be able to chose with whom they lived with and they chose their father. But when they reached adult hood, both of them rejected their father.

 

I was living out of state when this came down. When I moved back home, he and I did cross paths a couple of times, but never went out for a beer, he had a new life and wife, and did not need the brother of his XW coming around.

 

Last summer, his youngest daughter, who waited until her mid thirties, finally got married. At the reception he and I shared a table and caught up on our lives. Actually he spent most of the time pumping me for information on his two grand children from his oldest daughter. Both of which are now teenagers. He had not seen either of them since the day of their christening. Both of them had to be introduced to their grandfather.

 

In high school he was a 4 year letterman in sports, so he was very interested to know that his grandson, had made the varsity football team as a sophomore. Naturally he had never seen his grandson play a game. Although he never said the words, you could see in his eyes, "What have I missed?"

Edited September 26, 2010 by 2.50 a gallon

[2.50 a gallon]

W-N

 

A post of mine about a week ago ended with the above phrase. In the following time I have searched for the words to finish that thought.

 

They say only you can make you happy, and I buy that up to a point. Yes I have long been happy with me life, and even got to the point where I liked living alone. But over all, my life is so much fuller, now that I have found that special person to share it with.

 

In my journey to find her, I met several ladies whom I could have loved and had a great and trusting life with. But there was always something missing, as I still felt that I was one the outside looking in.

 

Before I met and got involved with my present GF I was in a long term on / off relationship with a gal, who on paper looked as she should have been the one. There was love there, from both sides, we were both highly attracted to each other, she was very intelligent and we could talk for hours and never got tired of talking with each other. It was like we were going down the road of life, she taking things from her side of the road, such as the latest findings in particle science, or physics, astronomy, and me from my side, history, archeology, and bringing it to the table, sharing and thereby enlightening each other lives. She was deeply in love with me, and wanted us to tie the knot and have my babies.

 

But from my point of view, even though I did love her and really felt the connection with her, what was missing was that I still felt that I was still on the outside looking in.

 

That is what I found with my present GF. Somehow living and sharing a life with her, has brought a calmness to my life that I have only experienced with one other person and that was my XW. I did feel a similar calmness with my LTR GF, but it never came close to what I am now living. Words still escape me in describing it, other than I feel connected with the world again.

 

In my last post I mention my XBIL, again on paper everything looks great. He is happily married to a loving wife, and the two of them now own a large place, large pool, a barn and several horses. But in talking with him, there is still something missing. Yes he is missing his grandchildren, and that might be part of the answer. Still, having known this guy since before my sister was born, it is something else that is missing.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I for one think the new girlfriend thing is too soon, even for me. that's saying something. Why don't you regroup, focus on just you. And emotionally divorce your ex first. Your rebounding because of pain. Wait for the divorce to be official then start dating. Also your kid needs you around. These moments are crucial.

[What_Next]

Another outpouring of reponses. Rather than address everyone individually I'll do it all at once. First to the poster that suggested I was doing this to punish my EX. Well initially it might have been a revenge thing. However, that changed quickly after getting to know this new person. I had been on a few dates and none of them clicked.

 

I also agree that the timing is rotten, but it is what is. I cannot change that. Both of us are taking things very very slow. Everyone seems hell bent on saying that I am falling deeply for this person, I am not.

 

Now as for being alone and the lonliness well that is most definitely the case. I think that is what set off Friday night. However, the easy thing would be to run back to my ex. In the times I think about that I quickly turn to all of the lieing, the cheating, the deception. A life alone is better than a life of dealing with those memories.

 

Case in point while talking with a friend yesterday it came out that she has yet another new email. Not that I am surprised, but it shows she is still actively lieing and most likely still involved with this OM.

 

Once again yes I know that the timing sucks, but I cannot control that and right now it is helping me; and the new person knows the risks.

 

As for the relationship with my child, well that is slowing healing, but until I move it will not get much better. I have to cross this bridge first.

[FanFan]

 

As for the relationship with my child, well that is slowing healing, but until I move it will not get much better. I have to cross this bridge first.

 

 

Your child is not 3 years old. She needs the truth.

[What_Next]

Your child is not 3 years old. She needs the truth.

 

No she isn't 3, she is 11. She knows the truth. Why would you assume she does not? She has been told there was cheating. She has been told we are divorcing. We can't hide that, nor should we.

 

As she grows and she can comprehend what happened all her questions will be answered.

 

Her and I are just trying to adjust to the "new normal" and that will take time.

[Darth Vader]

Steadfast while you have the right to your opinion I feel you are wrong. I have every right to enter into a new relationship. I've put my life on hold for her now for 6 months. Why must I continue to do that? Why must I continue to suffer as a result of her cheating? Why?

 

Disassembling our marriage? Really? Well she did that all on her own by cheating. I DID NOT MAKE THAT DECISION!!!!!!!!!!!! She did.

 

Is this a rebound thing? Of course it is, will it succeed in the long term? Unlikely. However, who's to say it won't.

 

It isn't too late? You are not SERIOUSLY with a straight face saying that I should take her back right? You cannot seriously be suggesting that. Oh my heavens. Oh my heavens. SHE CHEATED!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In my world there is no second chance in a marriage. You cheat, it's over, period.

 

I broke down because of all of the pressures on me. Work, home, my child, you name it. Pure and simple. If she had of just backed off and let me be I would have been just fine.

 

I do not want to appear as though I am lashing out at you steadfast, I am certainly not. However, a few on here have suggested this and I think the concept is revolting. So I have to go through life with ZERO trust, with ZERO communication? Every time she goes out I wonder if it is to sleep with another man? Really? What kind of life is that?

 

If a woman doesn't have to stay in a marriage where there is abuse, then why does a man have to stay if he's the one being abused? Because he's a man? Forget That!

 

The Word of God says it's not good to Divorce except in cases of Infidelity. So even the Word of God is on What Next's side!

 

However, he needs to at least wait till the Divorce is final before persuing the OW!

[Darth Vader]

Another outpouring of reponses. Rather than address everyone individually I'll do it all at once. First to the poster that suggested I was doing this to punish my EX. Well initially it might have been a revenge thing. However, that changed quickly after getting to know this new person. I had been on a few dates and none of them clicked.

 

I also agree that the timing is rotten, but it is what is. I cannot change that. Both of us are taking things very very slow. Everyone seems hell bent on saying that I am falling deeply for this person, I am not.

 

Now as for being alone and the lonliness well that is most definitely the case. I think that is what set off Friday night. However, the easy thing would be to run back to my ex. In the times I think about that I quickly turn to all of the lieing, the cheating, the deception. A life alone is better than a life of dealing with those memories.

 

Case in point while talking with a friend yesterday it came out that she has yet another new email. Not that I am surprised, but it shows she is still actively lieing and most likely still involved with this OM.

 

Once again yes I know that the timing sucks, but I cannot control that and right now it is helping me; and the new person knows the risks.

 

As for the relationship with my child, well that is slowing healing, but until I move it will not get much better. I have to cross this bridge first.

 

The part bolded, All the more reason to drop this loser wife, she's still screwing around! And she continues to LIE!

[What_Next]

Things have returned to something that resembles normal, whatever that means.

 

She has backed off, she is giving me my space and she is starting to (at least I think) really come to the reality of what she has done. Her actions over the past 3 weeks have almost been as bad as the affair itself.

 

I think it has finally gotten through to her that from here on our her actions dictate what will happen.

 

I have 4 more nights in our place and I for one will be glad when this stage is over.

 

What a journey this has been.

[unknown user]

just started reading this post. What a roller coaster this has been for you. I'm actually in the same situation as you are (obviously got here a different way however), just moved out 2 days ago. It's all too surreal at this point. All I can say is that you have had great support on here! Your daughter is what matters most, but you need to be happy too.

[What_Next]

unknown_user the support I've received through the LS community is something I'll never forget. Many find their way to LS in times of crisis in their lives and then move on.

 

I feel I might stick around and try and help out others when they need it. I also hope my thread and my experiences help others.

 

Things are still going well and my STBXW is handling herself with a good level of dignity at this point. She is still in IC and in fact had a session yesterday and other today.

 

Things are also going well with my new relationship, they are progressing VERY slowly as I wanted them to but we are continuing to get to know each other and I am liking what I am finding out thus far.

 

My relationship with my daughter is strained and will remain that way for a while, but heck she is 11 going on 15, even without this my relationship would change with her anyway....

 

I have but a few days left before I move into my place and I am looking forward to the transition, no longer because of the high level of stress where I am staying now brought on by my STBXW, but just because I want my own space to begin to heal in my own way.

[Chrome Barracuda]

unknown_user the support I've received through the LS community is something I'll never forget. Many find their way to LS in times of crisis in their lives and then move on.

 

I feel I might stick around and try and help out others when they need it. I also hope my thread and my experiences help others.

 

Things are still going well and my STBXW is handling herself with a good level of dignity at this point. She is still in IC and in fact had a session yesterday and other today.

 

Things are also going well with my new relationship, they are progressing VERY slowly as I wanted them to but we are continuing to get to know each other and I am liking what I am finding out thus far.

 

My relationship with my daughter is strained and will remain that way for a while, but heck she is 11 going on 15, even without this my relationship would change with her anyway....

 

I have but a few days left before I move into my place and I am looking forward to the transition, no longer because of the high level of stress where I am staying now brought on by my STBXW, but just because I want my own space to begin to heal in my own way.

 

Why dont you wait for the divorce to be finalized first. and work on you in the meantime. You arent healing anything with the new girlfriend. Your prolonging the pain of the inevitable. Also why do you care what your ex is up to. She's an adult and make the choice to do what she wants...

 

I understand that she gets help from the IC but your mental welfare is and should be your only concern.

[What_Next]

Why dont you wait for the divorce to be finalized first. and work on you in the meantime. You arent healing anything with the new girlfriend. Your prolonging the pain of the inevitable. Also why do you care what your ex is up to. She's an adult and make the choice to do what she wants...

 

I understand that she gets help from the IC but your mental welfare is and should be your only concern.

 

The divorce won't be finalized for 1 year. Therfore, I won't be waiting that long.... Here in Ontario after 1 year of physical seperation a divorce is basically a formality.

 

I don't feel as though I am prolonging the pain of the inevitable by dating, but everyone has a right to their opinion. This new relationship isn't an attempt to "heal", it is what is is, just 2 people that enjoy each others company. It's not a big deal.

 

I do care what my STBX is up to, as she is the mother of my child. If she discovers why she did this and ultimately becomes a better person then that will only eventually help my child and that is not a bad thing right?

[unknown user]

The divorce won't be finalized for 1 year. Therfore, I won't be waiting that long.... Here in Ontario after 1 year of physical seperation a divorce is basically a formality.

 

I don't feel as though I am prolonging the pain of the inevitable by dating, but everyone has a right to their opinion. This new relationship isn't an attempt to "heal", it is what is is, just 2 people that enjoy each others company. It's not a big deal.

 

I do care what my STBX is up to, as she is the mother of my child. If she discovers why she did this and ultimately becomes a better person then that will only eventually help my child and that is not a bad thing right?

 

Well said on the last paragraph. As for the dating, I can't imagine having another relationship at this point, but everyone's different in how they handle these situations.