What next

[Chrome Barracuda]

Yeah i dont care that he's divorcing a cheater. that's all well and said but the dating thing is too soon. Come on you can try to tell yourself it isnt WN but it is...

 

You should just chill out, but your an adult and you can make your own choices.

[What_Next]

Chrome Baracuda, from my perspective it isn't too soon. My life has been in freeze frame over this long enough. It's time to move on. For now this is my own way of healing. It'll help me get through it.

 

unknown user, for me, I do want to see her get in a better headspace. She needs to learn why she did what she did. She is not a bad person. She did a bad thing. This is also part of the healing process.

[What_Next]

Tomorrow is the next chapter in this journey and in my life. I get the keys to my apartment. I wish I could say I was happy about it, but honestly I am not. I get to leave the place where I spent the last 10 years of my life. Heck we got married at this place, we had our first dance as man and wife at this place.

 

It will be a bitterwseet night for sure. A tonne of emotions. I hope I can keep them in check.

[unknown user]

Tomorrow is the next chapter in this journey and in my life. I get the keys to my apartment. I wish I could say I was happy about it, but honestly I am not. I get to leave the place where I spent the last 10 years of my life. Heck we got married at this place, we had our first dance as man and wife at this place.

 

It will be a bitterwseet night for sure. A tonne of emotions. I hope I can keep them in check.

 

As I mentioned, I just moved out last Saturday (being watched and insulted by her family as I did it, but that's another story) after 12 years with her. The first few days were real hard for me, but today I have a better feeling and outlook. It's not great, but maybe the healing process has begun for me.

 

You and I seem to be in the same place right now, so I'm just saying keep your head up as best you can!

[Steadfast]

 

Tomorrow is the next chapter in this journey and in my life. I get the keys to my apartment. I wish I could say I was happy about it, but honestly I am not. I get to leave the place where I spent the last 10 years of my life. Heck we got married at this place, we had our first dance as man and wife at this place.

 

It will be a bitterwseet night for sure. A tonne of emotions. I hope I can keep them in check.

 

 

Some of your posts are written from the head W_N, but others, like the post above are from the heart. As far as I can tell, that's normal.

 

When your heart is speaking 'it's mind' don't forget to remind it that you didn't want this. It was not your choice, even knowing that you must claim ownership of whatever problems existed in the marriage. You had no say in your wife's decision to cheat; only how you'll react to it. And you have, rightly, in my opinion. Few of us really want to live with a cheater.

 

By far the hardest thing for me to do, after 17-years of marriage, was to come to the realization that my wife did not love me. Oh, she'll swear on her mother's grave that she does, but at best she only loves part of me...or certain things about me. Like my kindness, my devotion or my caring.

 

That isn't love. It's admiration. A loving wife would rather cut off her own arm that have her husband hurt by or from anything. What does that say about a 'wife' that inflicts the damage herself? That isn't love, it's a concealed form of hate and repulsion. Being married to that, sleeping with that or dancing with that isn't my recipe for happiness. Or yours, obviously.

 

Once your heart and mind are in harmony the peaks and valleys will smooth out. Getting away from her is the first step. Don't feel bad about feeling bad! If you didn't, you'd have the problem. It's like that great signature: "Without me, you're only you". Your wife lost W_N. Not you.

[What_Next]

I sit here in my new place for the third night. I knew that move day would be hard, but I had no idea just how hard it would be. It was an emotional roller coaster.

 

Luckily my brother was right by my side the entire day. He never left me and I will not soon forget it. In fact my true friends and my family was there for me when I needed it the most.

 

I have miles to go, and Donewrong and I have been talking today via text, but it is more and more uncomfortable and I suspect it will peter out over time.

 

I am happy in my own space, altough I am lonely. I will learn to deal with it though.

[karnak]

 

I am happy in my own space, altough I am lonely. I will learn to deal with it though.

 

Can't you get your daughter to live with you for some time? Or is she still too young or you live too far from her school?

[What_Next]

Karnak, she will stay with me likely every second weekend. We initially decided on 50/50 but the reality is my ex is renting a 2 bedroom and she has her own room there. In my case I have a 2 bedroom but my mother is living with me. Therefore she won't have her own dedicated room.

 

We'll figure it out as we go along though.

[spriggig]

Karnak, she will stay with me likely every second weekend. We initially decided on 50/50 but the reality is my ex is renting a 2 bedroom and she has her own room there. In my case I have a 2 bedroom but my mother is living with me. Therefore she won't have her own dedicated room.

 

We'll figure it out as we go along though.

 

Yeah, what's agreed to on paper and what happens IRL are often two very different things. Also, it changes year-to-year as life circumstances change--something I learned from having a step-son. As long as you two agree and accommodate each other, you can pretty much ignore the divorce settlement.

[What_Next]

An open question to those that are still following along. I am still finding it quite tough to cope with her affair and leave it behind. When I say leave it behind I don't mean forget it, as I never will but I guess I am struggling with coping techniques.

 

I'd like to be able to begin to learn to just put in the back of my mind and move forward with my life. Right now, only when I am distracted with other tasks does it move to the back of my stream of thoughts. Like with my daughter or with the new person in my life. Just working each day is tough as my mind seems to wander.

 

I suppose the answer is time, and that is going to happen no matter what I do, but I'd like to learn some strategies to prevent it. Honestly, I'd like to be able to sit in an empty room with my thoughts and think of the trees blowing in the wind, or some other random thought and noy be drawn back into the abyss that is my reality right now.

 

Not trying to be melodramatic or anything but I wouldn't mind hearing from those that have moved on and left their cheating spouses. What helped?

[tojaz]

An open question to those that are still following along. I am still finding it quite tough to cope with her affair and leave it behind. When I say leave it behind I don't mean forget it, as I never will but I guess I am struggling with coping techniques.

 

I'd like to be able to begin to learn to just put in the back of my mind and move forward with my life. Right now, only when I am distracted with other tasks does it move to the back of my stream of thoughts. Like with my daughter or with the new person in my life. Just working each day is tough as my mind seems to wander.

 

I suppose the answer is time, and that is going to happen no matter what I do, but I'd like to learn some strategies to prevent it. Honestly, I'd like to be able to sit in an empty room with my thoughts and think of the trees blowing in the wind, or some other random thought and noy be drawn back into the abyss that is my reality right now.

 

Not trying to be melodramatic or anything but I wouldn't mind hearing from those that have moved on and left their cheating spouses. What helped?

 

Start with the triggers WN, what is it that gets you thinking about it? There are lots of techniques I guess and everyone has there own.

 

TOJAZ

[hopesndreams]

Honestly, I'd like to be able to sit in an empty room with my thoughts and think of the trees blowing in the wind, or some other random thought and noy be drawn back into the abyss that is my reality right now.

 

For me, the pain lessened, over time. Now it's just a dull ache, now and again. When I feel it coming on, I work really hard at pushing it out of my thoughts.

 

Congrats on the apartment! Big step. A major step. You got out of the situation pretty quick. That's a good thing. You are well on your way to healing.

Edited October 5, 2010 by hopesndreams

[Steadfast]

For me healing began to accelerate when I forgave. To this day my ex still hasn't said 'I'm sorry' so I haven't been able to personally tell her that, but I would if she asked. It isn't agreeing with, justifying, taking responsibility or admitting guilt, it's just letting it go. Knowing that I could not allow her actions and decisions to rule my heart or affect mine. It's letting go, not taking myself too seriously and allowing joy back into my life.

 

I did it for me. For my kids. I had to. What she did was eating me alive.

 

When she saw me laughing -truly and sincerely- enjoying the company of my kids and life in general it shook her world. She had inflicted all the damage she could...and, short of hurting the kids her power was gone.

 

It's amazing how things change when you take the power back. You realize just how far gone their respect had dropped for you. I know my ex once saw me as pathetic; trying so hard to hold on. It's tremendously hard to be someone's world when you're into another guy...the poor thing. Hard as it was I simply gave her what she asked for. Freedom. But cheaters don't realize that the cheated becomes free too...they don't plan on that. In the end, most -like my ex- become victims. That is not my problem. Or yours.

 

Let her go W_N. Let it go. Give her...her desires and take yours back. The icing on the cake is being kind and respectful to her throughout. The ultimate show of power. In time, she'll have nothing to hang on you and she'll crave you more than air. That's their trap and not your concern.

 

Be well.

Edited October 5, 2010 by Steadfast

[PK66]

An open question to those that are still following along. I am still finding it quite tough to cope with her affair and leave it behind. When I say leave it behind I don't mean forget it, as I never will but I guess I am struggling with coping techniques.

 

I'd like to be able to begin to learn to just put in the back of my mind and move forward with my life. Right now, only when I am distracted with other tasks does it move to the back of my stream of thoughts. Like with my daughter or with the new person in my life. Just working each day is tough as my mind seems to wander.

 

I suppose the answer is time, and that is going to happen no matter what I do, but I'd like to learn some strategies to prevent it. Honestly, I'd like to be able to sit in an empty room with my thoughts and think of the trees blowing in the wind, or some other random thought and noy be drawn back into the abyss that is my reality right now.

 

Not trying to be melodramatic or anything but I wouldn't mind hearing from those that have moved on and left their cheating spouses. What helped?

 

Wow.. I just read your whole thread... Very enlightening and helpful in seeing all of the different ways you've struggled, coped and grown.

 

In regards to the quote above. I was previously married before my current wife and she cheated on me, repeatedly with various people over a 2 year period. I found out by finding her journal where she'd written down all of her thoughts and documented various encounters. It wrecked me at the time. I moved out (we had no children) and went thru a rollercoaster of wanting her back to hoping she got hit by a bus. After about 4 months of very little contact I started to see someone and it led directly to sex. It was horrible because I couldn't stop thinking about my ex with these other men. I broke it off and started to play guitar again.

 

This was something I'd done for years before, playing in bands and such, but stopped doing because my EX didn't like it. Suddenly I found that I didn't think about her as much and I could focus my thoughts on my own passion. I started playing in bands again and still do 14 years later. It filled my mind and gave me something to look forward to. Ironically, not long after I began plying out I met my current wife and the thoughts of my ex were gone. I was ready. Unfortunately, that marriage is now in jeopardy, but for reasons different than cheating or infidelity. It is because of what seems to be at the root of every marital breakdown... Lack of real communication and living life on autopilot.

 

Good luck to you, I hope things progress wel for you and I hope you will continue your posts as I would love to continue to follow them. I also hope things get better between you and your daughter. I have 2 daughters 8 and 10, and they are why I live somedays!!!!

[What_Next]

I wanted to pass along some updates. I have settled into my new place reasonably well. Some evenings when I come home and it is empty it is hard but it quickly passes. I am learning to be happy with just being with myself. Honestly I like it.

 

The relationship with my daughter is tough, but it is slowly beginning to build. I will have to take it slow and keep it even keeled if I want to bring it back to what it was.

 

My new relationship is also progressing well, but slowly. Neither of us are in a rush. She is a patient lady that is amazingly understanding and we are still enjoying each others company.

 

Today marks sort of a turning point in the ongoing saga with my STBX. Since I've moved we have kept in contact of course regarding our child, but we have kept in contact on a personal level of sorts as well. It was veiled in "friendship", but I think there was more to it than that, especially for her. She did come over to my place on the first night I was in it, early in the evening. Just to see it. That quickly turned into an argument. She's also offered a number of times for me to come over to our old place for dinner etc. I've refused.

 

Last night she called me quite late and was obviously upset, she was downstairs and wanted to come up, as a friend. I did not really want to, but I let her. The conversation was cold and distant on my part and it was affecting her. It only lasted for maybe 15 minutes. Right at the end of it she informed me that she was going to "date". I'm not sure why but that struck me. I told her to go home and I went off to bed. I did think about it a little after going to bed and I slowly came to the realization that this is the crossroad for me. I needed to make that final decision right then and there to determine what I was going to do.

 

Even though I think in my own mind I had decided to move on from this I don't think I really made it clear to her, and whenever she would ask if there was a chance for us, I would often not answer or say that in the long term I didn't know. Perhaps it was an attempt to keep a foot hold, well that was wrong.

 

We sent back and forth a few text messages this morning. Here are a few that I sent.

 

I need a favor. I do not want us to see each other for a while, no matter what. Unless it is a matter concerning ____. You must NOT come here. This seperation is still too deep in my head. I must get it out.

 

You are getting counsiling and are turning to friends, I am NOT. I need to deal with this on my own. For that I need space and time. ___ keys will be returned today as well. You need to do this if you say you want my friendship, it is the ONLY way.

 

I told her Good bye and good luck, she said it sounded permanent.

 

My final text to her was this:

 

This time it is permanent. You and I have finally hit the end of the road. Good bye my princess. I ache for what could have been. Continue on with your life and may it be full of joy. Thanks for the memories.

 

 

I figured when I finally came to this fork in the road I would be swept with emotion, but honestly I am not. That well has run dry. Seeing her sit there last night and tell me that she is "going to start dating", was a watershed moment for me. I am 100% ready to move on and leave this all behind.

 

This journey was a long and winding one with so many ups and downs that it seemed like it would never end. I am here to say that it will end and I will survive and I will thrive.

 

Tonight my daughter is coming over for a dinner and I could not be any happier.

 

To those that have read along I appreciate it, to those that have commented and tried to help me save this doomed marriage I appreciate it.

 

Even though I will update this thread from time to time, I finally have my answer regarding "What_next" and the answer is, LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

[2.50 a gallon]

W-N

 

I still keep losing large posts to you. So shall have to break them down to smaller bits

 

My first thought was to reclaim my sex life and get back into dating. So when I chose my new apartment I chose carefully. I found what I needed in a large garden complex with meandering sidewalks, that had a vacancy on the ground floor where the sidewalks crossed. While most of the other apartments only had a sidewalk in front of their door, I had a large paved area where I could set me new Weber.

 

I then told my new neighbors that when ever they wanted they could use the Weber, just leave it in front of my door. Within a month, my new neighbors had passed the hat, and we now had a metal table and chairs included in our community property. Football games, World Series, 4th of July always found plenty of new friends hanging around my place cooking and watching the game, and that included the ladies, and their girl friends. Slowly my social circle widened.

 

When I made tater or macaroni salad I always made plenty to share. Women like men who can cook. I also began to teach myself how to cook some gourmet meals. Women like men who can really cook.

[2.50 a gallon]

We were married near Christmas, so the first one was double difficult, even though I already was dating, she wasn't special. To beat the doldrums and reclaim the holidays, I put up a tree and hung some lights outside. I was the only guy in my section who did this and the women noticed.

 

I also happened upon baking Christmas cookies, made a batch, and took my time decorating them, then shared them with my work mates and neighbors. I found it necessary to bake another three batches, they brought the wine and even new cutters. The shocker was the the hottest lady in the whole complex, who did not want to play at home, came over one night, and we ended up experimenting with dunking fresh baked cookies in Champagne.

 

The cookie baking thing became a tradition, as the next Christmas my neighbors were asking when I was going to bake them some cookies. Fifteen years later, I had only been dating my present GF for a couple of months, I knew I was in love with her, but she was still fencing sitting, afraid of getting too involved. Baking Christmas cookies, was one of the things that brought her down off of the fence. I knew I was winning when she gave me a large plastic container to put my cookie cutters in for Christmas.

 

We have already put out our Halloween lights, and within a week or two will be baking Halloween cookies. It is one of those ties that bind.

[You Go Girl]

The reality of everything is hitting home for you, WN. It is tough to leave, even if you choose to, because you feel kicked out, regardless. Emotionally kicked out, if you will.

So making your new place comfortable is important. Then widening your social circle, as gallon said. Good vibes. You need to create them, because they rarely come knocking. Positive hopeful for the future feelings. Some days that is impossible. When you have an upbeat day, run with it. When you have a down day, acknowledge it, know this too shall pass, and on those days fake it until you make it.

Get up and move when you are depressed. I swear by it. Physical exertion of any kind--vacuuming, taking a walk, anything, helps lift depression.

These text messages and trying friendship at this tender time...not going to work as you are discovering. They only keep the wound from growing a scab.

Yep--it's time for LC.

It helps--the silence. You breathe the air, and they're not in it. You look out the window--you don't see them. You answer the phone--it's not them. These things are good, not bad. You need the room to breathe your own air--and you can't if you're sharing air with her. Fresh air clears your head.

[What_Next]

Thanks for the posts, I appreciate the input. YGG, your post is very timely and well put.

 

The LC is most definitely helping. I am going back to working the way I should have been and filling my life with my daughter and my new relationship. It is all part of the larger picture.

 

Now of course I am setting aside time for "me" as well. I am not finding myself depressed but rather excited about the future. I know there are dark days to come, but as you say YGG they will pass.

 

Even if my current relationship sputters, no matter, another one will come along when fate decides it necessary. I'm not worried in the least.

 

This weekend is Thanksgiving here in Canada and it was always such a happy family time for us. We would always go camping with our friends. This year that won't happen, but I am going to spend tonight with my daughter and I am going to see my new woman over the weekend as well. It won't be the same no, but nothing is any more. The actual Thanksgiving day I intend on spending it alone. It will be a tough day, but I am ready to accept it.

[2.50 a gallon]

W-N

 

Getting back into the dating scene, did not solve all of my problems, it was merely a salve, and sometimes the salve hurt as there were none that could replace the one I was missing.

 

I made lots of new friends other than my apartment mates. One group in particular was so large that there were enough of us to get together every weekend and play a couple of softball games. Everybody got to play, including the women. While the second game was in session they were firing up the grill and afterwards there was a large Bar-B-Q in the park and too bad for the XW and she would have loved it. And too bad for me as I would have loved to have shared it with her.

 

On the home front, I had to keep myself busy and try not to think about her. I dived back into my hobbies. While I had long had a large fish tank or two in the apartment, a good way to relax, especially with a lady, is to throw a pillow on the floor and watch the fish swim around. But this time I took it further and got into raising fish. This took time, getting the water conditions right so they would spawn, proper live food to get them in the spawing mood, and live food cultures for the young once I did have a successful spawn. All of which took time. Time not thinking about what or who the XW was doing or seeing.

 

The XW did not make it easy for me, as she kept finding ways to contact me, mostly through holiday cards. They always set me back, and I had to start mourning all over again.

 

The way I looked at it every second that I did not think about her was a victory. I then found things to do to stretch the seconds into minutes, and the minutes into hours, etc.

 

It was probably about 4 years after our separation, that she finally threw in the towel and quit contacting me. By then, I was pretty much over her, but was still left with this void in my life that no one could fill

 

Now is your chance to do what you have always wanted to do in the way of hobbies. And this could be anything from gourmet cooking, to having a reptile cage, or radio controlled planes, cars, or boats, or salsa dancing, or astronomy, just find something you have always wanted to do and pursue it.

Edited October 10, 2010 by 2.50 a gallon

[FanFan]

Are you okay now at your bachelor pad?

[What_Next]

Things are going reasonably well here at my new place. My mother has settled in and she likes the place. I am settling in but at a much slower pace. My room looks like a bomb went off, but that will improve over time. I also like the new place. Despite the fact that the walls do close in from time to time.

 

Things are going as good as can be expected for me, this past weekend was Thanksgiving here in Canada and it was very hard not being with my daughter. I did get to spend it with my family and it was fantastic.

 

Things are also progressing very well with my new relationship. Slow and steady but well. This will take a long time to build into anything serious.

 

The only sticking point is the relationship with my daughter. It is early and my STBXW is in the process of moving, but it is hard to get her to come here throughout the week. I have to take it slow with her.

[2.50 a gallon]

W-N

 

That is the way it works at first, two steps forward and one step back.

 

As for the new relationship being a rebound, and therefore most do not recommend, they can work, as my GF was only 3 months from seperating from her long time live in boyfriend, that she was in love with.

 

My biggest worry would be the relationship with your daughter

 

Please keep posting, you are one of the few success stories.

[What_Next]

2.50 a gallon, the relationship might indeed me a rebound thing. I don't know what it is, since I've never had one before. She has been seperated for 5 years and divorced for 5. She's been down this road before and she is being cautious, as am I. We'll see where it goes.

 

Time will help when it comes to my daughter, she and I worked out an agreement today that works for us both in terms of custody. Basically a 50/50. I'm happy with it.

 

I wouldn't say I am success story, far from it. I mean I am seperated and on my way to divorce. However, I feel as though I am headed in the right direction.

 

STBXW and I are talking now via text, but it is HARD. I tried to cut off all contact but we cannot do that because of our daughter.

[Steadfast]

From my experience the final breakup and separation is -perhaps- the hardest, most difficult time of the entire divorce procedure. For me, non or limited contact eventually lessened the nagging heartbreak as I learned to live without her. This is truly a day-by-day, sometimes hour-by-hour endeavor. The key was to resist resentment by keeping a prayerful mindset and not allowing myself to feel victimized. I viewed it as a hurdle; something that I didn't want but accepted as reality. You must push on.

 

Keep pushing.

 

And her proclamation to begin dating? I know the heart-stab well W_N. Just the thought of my wife -single, living and loving other men- was almost more than I could take. But then came the realization: why did I worry or fret about that?? She's already shot that bullet, and did it while we were married!! The good news? As my ex, she could no longer cheat on me. Now, she truly was someone else's problem. Let him worry about the cheating, lying, waning feelings or changing emotions. I had ended it. She was, and is, just another person out there who is having sex. Big deal.

 

Bottom line? The sneaky, naughty, filled with excitement thrill of cheating sex will not and is not being performed at my expense. No involvement means no pain.

 

This is why you divorce. You leave the situation. You reject it and her.

 

That's good! OK? Don't allow your emotions to drag you back into the mud. Know that you have left the situation, even if you're heart is still somewhat emotionally connected. That faint string will grow weaker and weaker until it disappears. And it will. I promise. It will That day is coming W_N.

 

Every new day is one day closer to being over this. You'll get there!

Edited October 14, 2010 by Steadfast