What next

[Steadfast]

 

Do you think she's regaining feelings for you, Steadfast? Or it's just some sort of twisted game on her part, because you became "unattainable"? And what do you mean when her phone never "stops beeping"? Is she constantly calling you?

 

 

Careful not to threadjack W_N, even though I believe this may be of some use to you. Besides, my ex never posted here! I still find that amazing.

 

I'd say she's regained something Karnak. Exactly what is hard to say. She's yet to come with the full-court press or open up enough to sincerely apologize. She calls and texts more than I do (which is practically never) but -according to my kids- keeps a string a suitors in tow. She is a very beautiful woman and has always attracted a lot of male attention. This made it even more difficult to deal with, but the world is full of beautiful women. Not all of them are beautiful on the inside tho, which (as a typical surface-seeking male) means I endured yet another painful lesson.

 

Despite all that's happened, I'm no closer to figuring it out. I suspect it's what it has always been; she conflicted. Maybe she's afraid of being rejected, maybe she's still holding out hope something better will come along. Whatever it is, it isn't real love. And if it isn't that, it isn't anything.

[2.50 a gallon]

W-N

 

Thanks for the update. I was especially glad to read that you seem to be developing a stronger relationship with you daughter.

 

I understand you feelings for your STBXW getting back into the dating scene.

 

My story was similar, though I never told her, after I moved and went back to dating myself, there was still a chance for us. When she broke down and wanted to reconcile, she said she would wait forever. Forever for her was just a few months, when I heard she had a new suitor. It didn't last more than a couple of weeks.

 

Had she held off for just a few more months, when the holiday season began, I know that I would have weakened. Her dating was one of the final nails in the coffin.

[2.50 a gallon]

schmuelik

 

Every morning, when she first wakes up she gets a kiss and "ILY

 

Everyday I find a new way to tell her that I think she is the most beautiful woman in the world.

 

The inside of the house is hers to decorate, color match, and I let her know that I appreaciate her smarts and talents in turning our house into a home. It is all her doing.

 

Outside the landscaping, is done with her advice, and again I praise her for picking the right plants.

 

Every time she does something for us such as dusting the wall unit, I notice and tell her thank you.

 

I tell her thank you every time she washes and folds my laundry.

 

I do almost all of the cooking and all of the dirty dish washing. And also piich in, with floor sweeping, mopping, window washing, bathroom cleaning.

 

No doubt about our love keeps getting stronger everyday.

 

BUT - These are the exact same ways that I treated my XW. No difference between XW and current GF. And by doing all of these things with my XW I was destroying the marriage, as she interrpreted them to be clingy and needy.

[What_Next]

Well time to drop what could probably be termed the shocker of all shockers.

 

Over the last little while as I had mentioned Donewrong and I have been talking. Well yesterday we talked pretty much all day off and on. About almost every topic under the sun. That also included us. In addition I had been talking to my new relationship about us. A complicated day to say the least.

 

As the day continued I noticed a lot of things changing inside me. I also noticed a lot of things that already HAD changed inside Donewrong. I mean to her core.

 

I made the decision to give us another try. I also made the decision to end thenew relationship.

 

The road to repair our marriage will be long and difficult but as long as both of us are comitted we might stand a chance. I think it took her having an affair and me having a girlfriend to help us BOTH realize what we had all along.

 

I will post updates to this thread from time to time, and I hope they are all positive developments. However, we will take it very slow and see where it goes.

 

She moves into her new apartment this weekend, and she will live there for the next year as I will live in mine. "Custody" stays the same in terms of our daughter will share her time between our places. What an odd scenario, but it is what it is.

[GorillaTheater]

Not a complete shocker, I suppose. Not an uncommon scenario. I wish you the best of luck, but hope you'll make some of your own luck by taking things slow. Your old marriage is dead and gone, the two of you need to build a new relationship, and new trust, now. Give yourself the time necessary to do that, which probably includes staying in your own place for the forseeable future.

[FanFan]

Well time to drop what could probably be termed the shocker of all shockers.

 

Over the last little while as I had mentioned Donewrong and I have been talking. Well yesterday we talked pretty much all day off and on. About almost every topic under the sun. That also included us. In addition I had been talking to my new relationship about us. A complicated day to say the least.

 

As the day continued I noticed a lot of things changing inside me. I also noticed a lot of things that already HAD changed inside Donewrong. I mean to her core.

 

I made the decision to give us another try. I also made the decision to end thenew relationship.

 

The road to repair our marriage will be long and difficult but as long as both of us are comitted we might stand a chance. I think it took her having an affair and me having a girlfriend to help us BOTH realize what we had all along.

 

I will post updates to this thread from time to time, and I hope they are all positive developments. However, we will take it very slow and see where it goes.

 

She moves into her new apartment this weekend, and she will live there for the next year as I will live in mine. "Custody" stays the same in terms of our daughter will share her time between our places. What an odd scenario, but it is what it is.

 

 

What about her boy toy?

 

What about the date(s) she has gone to while you were out of the house?

 

What about the her constant flirting on facebook and all?

 

What about the trust issue, especially when you are living under different roof?

[What_Next]

Fanfan to answer your questions.

 

Her OM is long out of the picture, zero contact.

 

date, singular. Nothing to it.

 

No constant flirting through FB, I mis-read what was going on.

 

Trust issue, that's a biggie. We'll work on that and go glacier like slow.

[hopesndreams]

Well time to drop what could probably be termed the shocker of all shockers.

 

Over the last little while as I had mentioned Donewrong and I have been talking. Well yesterday we talked pretty much all day off and on. About almost every topic under the sun. That also included us. In addition I had been talking to my new relationship about us. A complicated day to say the least.

 

As the day continued I noticed a lot of things changing inside me. I also noticed a lot of things that already HAD changed inside Donewrong. I mean to her core.

 

I made the decision to give us another try. I also made the decision to end thenew relationship.

 

The road to repair our marriage will be long and difficult but as long as both of us are comitted we might stand a chance. I think it took her having an affair and me having a girlfriend to help us BOTH realize what we had all along.

 

I will post updates to this thread from time to time, and I hope they are all positive developments. However, we will take it very slow and see where it goes.

 

She moves into her new apartment this weekend, and she will live there for the next year as I will live in mine. "Custody" stays the same in terms of our daughter will share her time between our places. What an odd scenario, but it is what it is.

 

Will you both be going to MC now? She should also get therapy on the WHYS of her A and learn how to better control herself when the times get rough, which undoubtedly, they will. You sure as h*ll don't want a repeat performance and if that does happen, don't drag another woman into the mess.

Edited October 26, 2010 by hopesndreams

[fltc]

Good luck to both of you, I hope all works out for you.

[What_Next]

Will you both be going to MC now? She should also get therapy on the WHYS of her A and learn how to better control herself when the times get rough, which undoubtedly, they will. You sure as h*ll don't want a repeat performance and if that does happen, don't drag another woman into the mess.

 

She is already in therapy, has been for 2 months.

 

We have talked about MC. She is looking for someone for us.

 

For the record I didn't "drag" anyone into anything, she came in with her eyes open. She was told the ENTIRE STORY and she entered into it anyway. It wasn't the smartest thing to do on either of our parts.

 

Thanks fltc.

[eamherst14051]

I may be a tough old SOB but I think it's great W_N, keep up the good work:)

[hopesndreams]

She is already in therapy, has been for 2 months.

 

We have talked about MC. She is looking for someone for us.

 

For the record I didn't "drag" anyone into anything, she came in with her eyes open. She was told the ENTIRE STORY and she entered into it anyway. It wasn't the smartest thing to do on either of our parts.

 

Thanks fltc.

 

You should be looking too. Good MC!!

 

Spend the money! If there is any. DO NOT do this without professional help. Tackling this on your own WILL backfire.

 

You did "drag" someone into it and even though she went willingly, as in enjoyed being "drug", the most blame is on YOU. You know from reading these boards how important it is to get your head on straight before tackling a "romance". You USED her. She USED you. Admit that much. It's all about honesty here. Right?

[tojaz]

Well time to drop what could probably be termed the shocker of all shockers.

 

Over the last little while as I had mentioned Donewrong and I have been talking. Well yesterday we talked pretty much all day off and on. About almost every topic under the sun. That also included us. In addition I had been talking to my new relationship about us. A complicated day to say the least.

 

As the day continued I noticed a lot of things changing inside me. I also noticed a lot of things that already HAD changed inside Donewrong. I mean to her core.

 

I made the decision to give us another try. I also made the decision to end thenew relationship.

 

The road to repair our marriage will be long and difficult but as long as both of us are comitted we might stand a chance. I think it took her having an affair and me having a girlfriend to help us BOTH realize what we had all along.

 

I will post updates to this thread from time to time, and I hope they are all positive developments. However, we will take it very slow and see where it goes.

 

She moves into her new apartment this weekend, and she will live there for the next year as I will live in mine. "Custody" stays the same in terms of our daughter will share her time between our places. What an odd scenario, but it is what it is.

 

Shocker? Not hardly WN been waiting for this for awhile now. Wish you the best of luck and hopefully you both have learned some things.

 

TOJAZ

[What_Next]

You should be looking too. Good MC!!

 

Spend the money! If there is any. DO NOT do this without professional help. Tackling this on your own WILL backfire.

 

You did "drag" someone into it and even though she went willingly, as in enjoyed being "drug", the most blame is on YOU. You know from reading these boards how important it is to get your head on straight before tackling a "romance". You USED her. She USED you. Admit that much. It's all about honesty here. Right?

 

She is looking for the MC. Right now my job does not allow me much time during normal business hours.

 

No I did not "drag" anyone into this. We have to agree to disagree on this point, nothing new for us Hopesndreams, we tend to do that a lot.

 

Tojaz, we have a very long and winding road ahead of us, but I think we are both finally ready to travel down it together.

[shmuelik]

schmuelik

 

Every morning, when she first wakes up she gets a kiss and "ILY

 

Everyday I find a new way to tell her that I think she is the most beautiful woman in the world.

 

The inside of the house is hers to decorate, color match, and I let her know that I appreaciate her smarts and talents in turning our house into a home. It is all her doing.

 

Outside the landscaping, is done with her advice, and again I praise her for picking the right plants.

 

Every time she does something for us such as dusting the wall unit, I notice and tell her thank you.

 

I tell her thank you every time she washes and folds my laundry.

 

I do almost all of the cooking and all of the dirty dish washing. And also piich in, with floor sweeping, mopping, window washing, bathroom cleaning.

 

No doubt about our love keeps getting stronger everyday.

 

BUT - These are the exact same ways that I treated my XW. No difference between XW and current GF. And by doing all of these things with my XW I was destroying the marriage, as she interrpreted them to be clingy and needy.

 

2.50 a gallon

 

I hear you. You know just being nice doesn't necessarily guarantee you a functioning marriage, other components can destroy that too. The thing is that in nowadays men and women have put the 'universe' upside down and conflicts are often coming by women becoming more like men (see the advertising and fashion industry) and the other way around. Men loose their 'identity' of being men.

That said I read that you do lots of the house work, gardening etc.

Who is a bringing in the money? Did you trade to be a man for being a woman (I mean it seriously, not to offend you, I try to figure out where the imbalance is coming from that you describe)?

You got it already well that she takes care about the 'inside' the home and that you support her.

What do you mean by clingy? Did you take her space by doing that? She won't feel about you as a man if you are needy in her eyes..

Would like to know.

Now, how much are you taking care about the 'outside universe'? How does she feel about you being a man? Does she look up to you, your accomplishments, your work etc.? Does she respect you? Tell me more about your XW in order to find out not to tap into the same trap.

 

I sense that you transmit a signal of being dependent to her, but in a negative way. I think being dependent is very good. But not in a clingy, needy way. Otherwise she feels to have been married to her 'son'. Women want a man.

[karnak]

I sense that you transmit a signal of being dependent to her, but in a negative way. I think being dependent is very good. But not in a clingy, needy way. Otherwise she feels to have been married to her 'son'. Women want a man.

 

It really isn't as black and white as that. I once thought it was, tough.

 

Some women crave "Macho" men. Others like the "effeminate" type. There's really no standard for that.

 

And sometimes you'll see women trade Machos for Wussies and vice-versa.

 

When it relates to women, sometimes you're "damned if you do - damned if you don't".

[willowthewisp]

It really isn't as black and white as that. I once thought it was, tough.

 

Some women crave "Macho" men. Others like the "effeminate" type. There's really no standard for that.

 

And sometimes you'll see women trade Machos for Wussies and vice-versa.

 

When it relates to women, sometimes you're "damned if you do - damned if you don't".

 

As a women I'll let you know what it isI want -

 

I want to feel loved.

 

That is shown to me by the man making me THE first prority in his life (so not my X putting work first over me being in hospital or us moving house etc)

 

Showing appreciation for the things that I do for him (housework, laundry, gardening, cleaning his car etc)

 

Respecting my opinions and valuing my viewpoint (not rolling his eyes when I would express a polictical view or whatever the subject may be, then switching on the TV and ignorong me, then telling me to shut up)

 

Showing you love me by listening to what I am saying - if its important to me then it should be important to him

 

Generally remebering that we have is precious and treating it as such, rembering we are a team moving through life together - if a person can remeber this all the rest follows.

 

It helped to write that, when someone leaves we tend to only recall the positive aspects of them and not the negative. Typed out above, my X really wasn't all that great in fact at times he was horrible.

[karnak]

 

The road to repair our marriage will be long and difficult but as long as both of us are comitted we might stand a chance. I think it took her having an affair and me having a girlfriend to help us BOTH realize what we had all along.

 

QUOTE]

 

I'm very glad for that, W_N. And I wish you all the best. May both of you find true happiness in the arms of each other.

[trippi1432]

2.50 a gallon

 

I hear you. You know just being nice doesn't necessarily guarantee you a functioning marriage, other components can destroy that too. The thing is that in nowadays men and women have put the 'universe' upside down and conflicts are often coming by women becoming more like men (see the advertising and fashion industry) and the other way around. Men loose their 'identity' of being men.

That said I read that you do lots of the house work, gardening etc.

Who is a bringing in the money? Did you trade to be a man for being a woman (I mean it seriously, not to offend you, I try to figure out where the imbalance is coming from that you describe)?

You got it already well that she takes care about the 'inside' the home and that you support her.

What do you mean by clingy? Did you take her space by doing that? She won't feel about you as a man if you are needy in her eyes..

Would like to know.

Now, how much are you taking care about the 'outside universe'? How does she feel about you being a man? Does she look up to you, your accomplishments, your work etc.? Does she respect you? Tell me more about your XW in order to find out not to tap into the same trap.

 

I sense that you transmit a signal of being dependent to her, but in a negative way. I think being dependent is very good. But not in a clingy, needy way. Otherwise she feels to have been married to her 'son'. Women want a man.

 

It really isn't as black and white as that. I once thought it was, tough.

 

Some women crave "Macho" men. Others like the "effeminate" type. There's really no standard for that.

 

And sometimes you'll see women trade Machos for Wussies and vice-versa.

 

When it relates to women, sometimes you're "damned if you do - damned if you don't".

 

I'm probably going to regret responding to this, but just to note a couple of things....due to the economy and the fact that a woman's earning potential has risen dramatically over the years, I do realize that it can create a perceived imbalance on the way relationships were viewed decades ago. I don't really see it as women trading up or down for "Macho men" versus "Wussies" due to their earning potential, but I will admit that there was much disparity in my ex relationship due to it (both when he was the main income and then again, when I was)....and I really see it more with it being my ex's lack of maturity and general mental imbalance than anything else.

 

One thing that I will point out is that no matter the earning potential in a relationship, no one person has a right to "own" or control the other person due to it, nor does any one person have the right to dictate how the relationship will flow due to that either. What 2.5 Gallon pointed out which works well now with the current person in his life rather than with his ex is probably more due to individual personalities, the ability to appreciate and maturity.

 

To say that men lose their identities due to a role reversal, I can't agree or disagree with that statement, but on the other hand, I can say that women can lose their identities as well. I could personally launch into many ways my ex felt that earning potential put him into a "child" role in our relationship and I can tell you that yes, I did not like feeling as if I were the only responsible person in a relationship by myself, but that is on him and I am glad I don't use him as a benchmark to what all men represent today.

 

It is important to any person in a relationship, regardless of earnings, to be loved, respected, valued, wanted and needed. Money can't buy those things.

 

Sorry to steal your thread W_N - hope things go well with you both, be kind to each other...you both have the potential to work on this.

[Steadfast]

 

The road to repair our marriage will be long and difficult but as long as both of us are comitted we might stand a chance. I think it took her having an affair and me having a girlfriend to help us BOTH realize what we had all along.

 

 

Someone a few posts back wrote that your old marriage is dead and buried. I agree. But the reality is you two do have a history, and a child, and for all of those reasons and many more it's good you're trying to save 'the' marriage relationship. FWIW, I could always see the love you had for her. When she posted here, I could see her love for you too. That's rare.

 

This isn't about me W_N, but I'd like to tell you that people often see me as an advocate of divorce. That isn't quite accurate...I see my divorce as being the right decision, as well as the right decision for those people whose cheating spouses fence-sit, cake eat or any other manner of heartless manipulation. I'm not pro divorce, I'm pro happiness. I'm pro accomplishment...pro 'set a good example' for your children and others.

 

If my ex-wife would have returned and sincerely explained her desires, weaknesses and expressed a desire for us to make things right, the love I had for her would have allowed that. But one critical element was missing. Something you and your wife have that we didn't; she doesn't love me. At least, not as much as she loves herself. She loves what I am, and what I can do for her. Besides, who wants to live their marriage on a tightrope?

 

 

She moves into her new apartment this weekend, and she will live there for the next year as I will live in mine. "Custody" stays the same in terms of our daughter will share her time between our places. What an odd scenario, but it is what it is.

 

 

Smart move. Too much has happened for you to live together at this point. Keep your eyes open and be strong. Accept only what is fair and right.

 

My best to the both of you.

[What_Next]

Steadfast so much of what you posted is very true. The love I had for her was definitely still there, there was little doubt of that. My brain was protecting my heart though. She also did still have a very strong love for me. It was masked by jealousy though.

 

She couldn't see past what I was doing with the woman that ended up in this mess to realize that in order to stand any chance of me taking her she had to take ownership of her actions.

 

It took her and I hammering away at communication and failing most of the time to eventually realize that there was still a chance.

[FanFan]

I am wondering, how did your new lady react to this new development?

 

Do you miss her? Are you and her going to be in contact and stay friends?

[What_Next]

FanFan, the break up was one sided. I will not be keeping in contact with her.

 

It was bad timing to have gotten involved with her. I do wish her well and will be thankful for the help she gave me, but it would do my marriage no good to stay in contact.

[FanFan]

FanFan, the break up was one sided. I will not be keeping in contact with her.

 

It was bad timing to have gotten involved with her. I do wish her well and will be thankful for the help she gave me, but it would do my marriage no good to stay in contact.

 

I have a feeling that this is not going to end well.

[shmuelik]

Someone a few posts back wrote that your old marriage is dead and buried. I agree. But the reality is you two do have a history, and a child, and for all of those reasons and many more it's good you're trying to save 'the' marriage relationship. FWIW, I could always see the love you had for her. When she posted here, I could see her love for you too. That's rare.

 

This isn't about me W_N, but I'd like to tell you that people often see me as an advocate of divorce. That isn't quite accurate...I see my divorce as being the right decision, as well as the right decision for those people whose cheating spouses fence-sit, cake eat or any other manner of heartless manipulation. I'm not pro divorce, I'm pro happiness. I'm pro accomplishment...pro 'set a good example' for your children and others.

 

If my ex-wife would have returned and sincerely explained her desires, weaknesses and expressed a desire for us to make things right, the love I had for her would have allowed that. But one critical element was missing. Something you and your wife have that we didn't; she doesn't love me. At least, not as much as she loves herself. She loves what I am, and what I can do for her. Besides, who wants to live their marriage on a tightrope?

 

 

 

Smart move. Too much has happened for you to live together at this point. Keep your eyes open and be strong. Accept only what is fair and right.

 

My best to the both of you.

 

I have to fully disagree. I think its not right to move into separate apartments. That is the beginning of the end. That is the step to 'separation'.

 

Steadfast, I think there is not such a thing like: She doesn't love me anymore.

She had a reason why she didn't love you anymore. A woman wants to be nurtured, respected, and most importantly honored. If you take that away she will drop you, disrespect and fight you. A woman usually lives for her husband once she made the commitment to be married to you. If you violate the above mentioned she will become your enemy. In hebrew its called 'Ezer kenegdo' that has to meanings, either '(a woman) a helper FOR him' or 'a helper AGAINST him'. Depending how you treat her.

You had a great chance of getting your wife back. But not by waiting that she comes to you. A woman usually doesn't come to a man. A woman wants to be chased, nourished, she wants to feel someone that cares about her, understands her, listens to her.

 

I know people have said that people are individuals and everybody is different.

Men have trades, preconditions, natural preferences, women have.

Once we have lost these differences we lost the marriage.