What next

[shmuelik]

FanFan, the break up was one sided. I will not be keeping in contact with her.

 

It was bad timing to have gotten involved with her. I do wish her well and will be thankful for the help she gave me, but it would do my marriage no good to stay in contact.

 

W_N do you want your wife back? I think there is a chance.

A woman loses her honor, the most important thing in her life when you cheat on her.

[fltc]

Shmuelik, this is a very long thread but you need to start from the beginning and read to the end before jumping in, it wasn't W_N who cheated.

[shmuelik]

She is looking for the MC. Right now my job does not allow me much time during normal business hours.

 

No I did not "drag" anyone into this. We have to agree to disagree on this point, nothing new for us Hopesndreams, we tend to do that a lot.

 

Tojaz, we have a very long and winding road ahead of us, but I think we are both finally ready to travel down it together.

 

I think thats really important to have an MC. But if in such a difficult moment your work hours are more important then your wife I don't think that this will be working out between you guys.

Your wife will feel secondary.

 

You need to make HER your PRIORITY. Thats what we men really loose on the way being married for a long time. You remember what you did when you guys first dated? thats who she married in essence. If you can get back to this stage she will come back a 100%. Promise. Thats what she is longing for, waiting for. I have turned around my marriage once I have understood that.

 

Regarding your 'inner feelings' you wrote about. I think in the beginning you should not listen to them. Your feelings are confused, hers too.

You have the power to turn it around, not your wife. She will follow you.

Women love to follow their husbands if they treat them right.

You are the male, that means you are the giver by nature (just look at your sexual organ, not literally) but we give, women receive. Thats where you need to make always the first the step. Don't wait for her. She wants to follow you. Don't separate into different apartments and if you did reconsider it. She in her inner desire wants to be cherished, chased. She wants to live with you in one home.

 

I was able to turn my marriage around that was on the verge to be divorced with 3 children. My wife is now super happy. Not because I'm so great. Because I have understood that there are general laws regarding relationship that we have to keep and guard. Its like driving in traffic. There are laws. Without them you'll fail.

 

The most important one is that a womens life is in essence her honor. If you violate that she will make herself your enemy. Thats the number one we men desecrate and trample on it with out even noticing.

From there all problems evolve.

 

Some here in the forum say don't be a wussie (don't even know what that means). Being nice, and cherishing is not a wussie. Its respecting, honoring each other. Everybody wants to be respected.

 

You can be strong, harsh and straight forward with others, not with your wife. She wants your soft side. But not like a child or a wussie (love the word). By respecting and honoring her. If you do this for a long time she will do the same for you. But don't count on that in the beginning. You only can change her behavior by setting an example. But that will take a long time for her. Usually women take 4 times longer to change things. The good news is that in 95% it will happen. She will be still mad at you for all that what happened. But if you stay a man and be steadifest in your respect and honor to her, she will do the same for you. And the more you do the more she will do.

 

You married each other because you saw something in each other that was very precious. And I'm absolutely sure you guys still have it. Otherwise you wouldn't write here. Its just a bit digged up since things happened.

 

But if you get your act together, don't look for a while what you can get out of the relationship, rather ask what she needs and how you can enrich her life you will see a dramatic change. Promise.

 

I know all this is long and I'm right now trying to 'change the world' because there is so much nonsense about marriage out there.

 

Don't listen to the advise that people who are divorced give you. If they would have followed the right advise they wouldn't be divorced. Look to people who are married, see why they are married, why they respect and love each other.

That should be your focus.

 

I wish you the biggest success. If you get this turned around I think this will be your biggest accomplishment you can imagine. And you can be proud of that.

Good luck.

[shmuelik]

Shmuelik, this is a very long thread but you need to start from the beginning and read to the end before jumping in, it wasn't W_N who cheated.

 

Sorry for that. I shut up.

[kuma]

we have a very long and winding road ahead of us, but I think we are both finally ready to travel down it together.

 

I knew it. Reading your story reminded me of a bit of my parents. They got back together after 8 years of divorce. I wish you both all the best.

[2.50 a gallon]

W-N

 

Way to go!

 

Looking back at my situation, I sometimes wish I had found the nads to have tried to find a way to work on my marriage. At one time my XW and I did have that something special, from all of the women in the world, I chose her and her only to spend the rest of my life with.

 

I see now that perhaps I might have taken the easy way out. The dating scene was one I was familiar with and it was my escape route away from the pain.

 

I never had kids, and there will be no grandkids. A hole in my life that can never be filled.

 

But on the other hand, even though it took me many years to find my present GF. the relationship I have with her goes beyond what I would ever have been able to develop with my XW.

 

And I had a great time finding her.

 

As for your dating partner, there should be no regrets, she was appraised of the situation going in, so knew the risk that she was taking. That may sound cold hearted, but the truth is that without risk there is little worth winning.

 

It is your life, live it as you see fit.

Edited October 28, 2010 by 2.50 a gallon
missing word

[2.50 a gallon]

shmuelik

 

Where in your book learning does it give advice on how thwart the advances of a player?

 

I was once a player and I can tell you by the time you find out about him it is probably too late as he already has your wifes ear and anything that you say can and will be turned against you.

 

In my situation, my XW was quite vivacious, new college graduate, we had just moved a thousand miles away from our families, so she could take a job working in a lab made up mostly of men. She was an instant attraction as most of the woman in their field tended to be plain and geeky. I was faced with an army of OM's, almost too many to defendd against. The OM's all belonged to a self-help cult, and they had all of the answers to what was the matter with our marriage. In truth their was no problems in our marriage, other than the ones invented by the OM's.

 

They tried to talk her into going with them on one of their weekend self-help seminars. As it turned out, only members and special guests were invited. Being as their wives thought this was a bunch of howeey, they were not members, and being as I was not invited, I put my foot down and told her no married woman spends the weekend with men who are not their husbands. This showed how controlling I was.

 

Take the "ILY"s. We had always exchanged several of these each day, but once they had her ear, one a day meant that I was becoming unattached, and two was interpreted as needy and clingy. I sort of disproved that when I caught her on her lunch hour kissing an OM. I humilated her in front of her workers by calling her some nasty names and telling her our marriage was over, and it would be unsafe for her to return home that night.

 

Beware the power of a player. As a player I had always avoided married women until shortly after the break up of my marriage. Two husbands of

my coworkers made the mistake of making a crude remark about my manly hood, being as I had long hair and liked to dance. For spite I targeted their wives, it only took me a couple of weeks to find a crack in their marriage. And once I had their ear, just through aparent to them as off the cuff remarks by myself, while they were actually well rehearsed lines, I had scored with both of them within 10 weeks.

[What_Next]

shmuelik while I do appreciate your contribution to this thread I think you mis-understood the situation. In order to get a real appreciation you'd have to read this entire massive thread...

 

The short story is that we ended up in the same place that all too many marriages end up. We took each other for granted, she strayed, then I was silly enough to become involved with another woman. Eventually I decided to try it again.

 

As for moving into seperate apartments, that part is done, I had moved last month and she is moving this weekend. Our leases are signed. What you might not know if you hadn't read everything is that our apartments are in buildings next to each other, we are living across a parking lot.

 

We are not sure how this will all go, but we are going to try.

[tojaz]

Don't listen to the advise that people who are divorced give you. If they would have followed the right advise they wouldn't be divorced.

 

This is a very bold statement considering the company your in, and there are many folks here, myself included, that would take offense to that. Sounds like you need to spend a bit more time here before you decide to "change the world" with your vast knowledge of marriage.

 

TOJAZ

[What_Next]

This weekend Donewrong is moving into her new place. It will be an emotional weekend for sure.

 

We have been learning to re-connect and we have been openly talking about what lead us here.

 

We are taking our time and trying to let our feelings lead us. Last night was quite emotional for me as I cried in her arms. We both fell asleep in each others arms on the loveseat in our old place. It was amazing.

 

Next week will be seeking a MC.

 

Onward and upward.

[shmuelik]

This is a very bold statement considering the company your in, and there are many folks here, myself included, that would take offense to that. Sounds like you need to spend a bit more time here before you decide to "change the world" with your vast knowledge of marriage.

 

TOJAZ

 

I really apologize to have hurt your feelings. I hope you forgive me.

[shmuelik]

This weekend Donewrong is moving into her new place. It will be an emotional weekend for sure.

 

We have been learning to re-connect and we have been openly talking about what lead us here.

 

We are taking our time and trying to let our feelings lead us. Last night was quite emotional for me as I cried in her arms. We both fell asleep in each others arms on the loveseat in our old place. It was amazing.

 

Next week will be seeking a MC.

 

Onward and upward.

 

 

Yeah. I'm so happy for you. Great. Please keep us updated how its going.

[What_Next]

Well the moves are basically done. Our daugther did fine despite us suspecting she would be upset. Donewrong and I also did just fine. We just got down to business and moved her into her new place.

 

We have been openly talking about what she did and what I did. She had many questions about my relationship. I have honestly answered every single one of them without hesitation.

 

This week we will see if we can find a MC of some sort. Neither of us are interested in intense therapy, just someone to talk with about our situation.

 

We will take the next year to try and steady the ship and sail off together.

 

Hindsight is always 20/20 I supoose, but it is hard to come to terms with the fact that all of this was preventable.

[tojaz]

I really apologize to have hurt your feelings. I hope you forgive me.

 

No apology necessary Shmuelik, just keep it in mind. Lots of smart people here and most of them learned the hard way.

 

Well the moves are basically done. Our daugther did fine despite us suspecting she would be upset. Donewrong and I also did just fine. We just got down to business and moved her into her new place.

 

We have been openly talking about what she did and what I did. She had many questions about my relationship. I have honestly answered every single one of them without hesitation.

 

This week we will see if we can find a MC of some sort. Neither of us are interested in intense therapy, just someone to talk with about our situation.

 

We will take the next year to try and steady the ship and sail off together.

 

Hindsight is always 20/20 I supoose, but it is hard to come to terms with the fact that all of this was preventable.

 

Hindsight's a killer WN, it will get you every time. Bad part is, doesn't change a thing. Your here now, you can sweat what was preventable or you can use it! Thats what your picking up now, not regret over what went wrong but how to learn from it too make you both and your relationship better. This is an opportunity far too few people receive, make the most of it!

 

TOJAZ

[You Go Girl]

WN,

I haven't followed your thread in awhile. But I sure was happy to read the latest page and learn that you and donewrong are going to try to love each other again!

I am so happy for both of you!

Yes, things happened that were hurtful, but if you both try to love each other for your future together, be kind, understanding, I see absolutely no reason why you can't rebuild trust, intimacy, and reinforce your love for each other.

It's all water under the bridge, or will be, as you move forward with taking care of each other's feelings again. The important thing is that the two of you didn't throw each other away!

[FanFan]

Hey, how are things going with you and your girlfriend and how are things with you and your spouse?

[What_Next]

FanFan, last Monday night when I decided to reconcile with my wife I ended it with my new woman. That chapter of my life is passed now.

 

Things with my wife have been going very well. We are talking openly about our thoughts and feelings and the topic of her affair and my relationships during seperation do come up frequently. We try and limit the length of the conversation but they do come up.

 

We are trying to adjust to our new life. It will not be easy but we are trying.

 

The relationship with our child is also slowly starting to improve, but that will not happen overnight.

[2.50 a gallon]

W-N

 

Good to hear your update.

 

Half of the poster here would give their right arm to be in your shoes.

[What_Next]

2.50 a gallon that might indeed be true but on a day like today I want to go back to before I decided to give her a chance.

 

I am overwhelmed with anger today, and sadness. We spoke through MSN this morning about her affair a little more. We also spoke about my relationship.

 

I just hope I can eventually put it all behind me because right now it feels like I cannot and I might not ever. In addition I having doubts about my own ability to stay faithful. It's weird but the thought is there.

[The-Zen-Warrior]

In addition I having doubts about my own ability to stay faithful. It's weird but the thought is there.

 

What Next, this is a very, and I mean a very good thing you are feeling! You are questioning yourself, kind of your own built in "moral compass". This is good, keep it up, think about this often until you get to such a point that being "faithful" becomes second nature.

 

As long as you have that "moral compass" in place, and keep asking yourself these questions, your going to be a-ok! Now, the only thing that I would dread is if the day ever came that you threw out your moral, values and standards compass and made the leap with someone else, that would be bad, what your doing here is good.

 

Remember, Rome wasn't built in a day and neither are relationships or in your case, re-relationships! As long as the art of staying on the straight and narrow is practiced, with a good dose of honesty, with a dash of objectivity you should be fine.

 

I'm cheering for you, I'm in the bleachers cheering you on here! I hope all works out...

[FanFan]

2.50 a gallon that might indeed be true but on a day like today I want to go back to before I decided to give her a chance.

 

I am overwhelmed with anger today, and sadness. We spoke through MSN this morning about her affair a little more. We also spoke about my relationship.

 

I just hope I can eventually put it all behind me because right now it feels like I cannot and I might not ever. In addition I having doubts about my own ability to stay faithful. It's weird but the thought is there.

 

 

Did you sleep with your girl friend while you were seperated?

[You Go Girl]

2.50 a gallon that might indeed be true but on a day like today I want to go back to before I decided to give her a chance.

 

I am overwhelmed with anger today, and sadness. We spoke through MSN this morning about her affair a little more. We also spoke about my relationship.

 

I just hope I can eventually put it all behind me because right now it feels like I cannot and I might not ever. In addition I having doubts about my own ability to stay faithful. It's weird but the thought is there.

 

WN, are you talking about the affair in how it relates to rebuilding your relationship with DW? I mean that certain aspects may play a part in how to improve your relationship with her, and that other aspects are just dredging up the muck, which may send you back to square one?

[What_Next]

The-Zen-Warrior, thank you for your heartfelt post. I had no issue with having those thoughts and feelings and in fact I spoke to Donewrong about them. It did shake her a little, but an open and honest relationship needs that. I have little worry that I ever will give in to temptation, but I need to know my heart is truly in tune with my head. It will take time.

 

FanFan, yes I did sleep with her during the relationship. Donewrong knows about that and she and I have shared the details when she has asked.

 

YGG, I think you pinpointed the reason why yesterday was particularly tough, I believe we did just dig up the muck. It did not move us forward. Then again sometimes you have to take a few steps backward to get perspective.

 

Another day...

[2.50 a gallon]

W-N

 

Me I ran away, so the heat was off. By choosing to stay, it is going to be part of the rollercoaster ride. Looking back. I sometimes regret that I did not find the courage to give her a second shot. I knew that I would have had to go through what you are now living with, and I was more comfortable getting back into the dating scene.

 

Just understand that it is part of the healing process.

 

And you are making strides with your daughter, a big plus

 

I truly wish you and DW the best. It is just going to take time, but I sense that you do have a chance.

[FanFan]

Are you still angry?