Steadfast Posted December 17, 2010 Share Posted December 17, 2010 Steadfast, I DISAGREE with your statement that most men would take back cheaters, especially with what Donewrong decided to do by involving our child. Look at the statistics on marriages that survive after infedility and the numbers don't lie. However, I could care less what others do. This was and is MY decision. I do agree that there is an unbalance in me right now. Most definitely. Time and patience will even that out in time though. That's the key for me is TIME. I need time. Exactly my point friend. Don't confuse the stats for recons and divorce. How many of those divorces were couples attempting to reconcile? There is no doubt what you're trying to do is difficult, but I contend you might be making it moreso by focusing on the dread of your situation. At least, on this forum. Even more, I sense you have conflict between what your brain and your heart is telling you. You once said that you would NEVER take back a wife that was unfaithful. That was it. No mas. Then you described a period of great sadness and torn feelings when you were packing to move. My comments and suggestion were just that; I'm in no position to give orders. I'm just having some trouble understanding why the process is making you so miserable. You think you have the luxury of time. I contend that you cannot be sure. No deeper than that friend. Consider it. Be well. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted December 17, 2010 Share Posted December 17, 2010 W_N reading this thread is getting to be like beating ones head up against a wall. The thing to keep in mind about LS W_N is that nobody here is paid for their time, or have any vested interest in your marriage surviving. People post here in an attempt to help and to share experiences and knowledge. If you and Donewrong don't make it.... well thats not going to effect my life at all, yet I read your thread religiously, as I do Donewrongs http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t255706/ Rather then being so quick to jump to defend your "process" Take the time to actually read the posts with an open mind. I see a lot of that in you, quick to protect and quick to defend your position. I read Donewrongs thread and I see you constantly keeping her on edge, Words vs actions W_N, your posts here say its a process to reconciliation, but to compare, I see the constant reminder to your wife that you could pull the rug out at any time should she fall short, and shes trying damn hard but that bar seems to grow ever taller. Donewrong does have things to prove to you but you both are equal in that respect as you have things to prove to her as well. Yes she had an affair W_N well so did you! You can justify it however you like but you were a married man sleeping with someone who wasn't your wife. Its time to find some level ground your not above her, not even by a little. A marriage is an equal partnership and what i have been trying to poin out here is that I see very little equality here. I would take a good hard look before Donewrong sees that too, eventually she will. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author What_Next Posted December 17, 2010 Author Share Posted December 17, 2010 W_N reading this thread is getting to be like beating ones head up against a wall. I agree. This thread served it's purpose and then some. Thanks tojaz, steadfast, 2sunny, trippi, gunny, habs53 and the countless others that have tried their absolute best to help me through this painful time in my life. I am leaving this thread as is. It has been a part of my life long enough. I am still going to contribute to the LS community as I feel it is important for me to do so. I did say this once before in this thread but I was nowhere near of a clear mind. My initial question was "what next". I have my answer. LIFE. Thanks once again everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
michaelhopes Posted December 17, 2010 Share Posted December 17, 2010 Yep....that spam before your last post was the icing on the cake...... Bon Voyage...... "God have mercy on the man that doubts what he's sure of" Link to post Share on other sites
Goldenspoon Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 What's new? Link to post Share on other sites
Goldenspoon Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 How about an update? Link to post Share on other sites
Author What_Next Posted January 27, 2011 Author Share Posted January 27, 2011 Goldenspoon, thanks for your interest. I let this thread go for many reason, not least of which was the backlash I was getting for being honest about my reservations. Anyway, it's been a little over 3 months since I decided to give her a second chance. It's been quite the road. First and foremost (and most importantly) our child has gone back to her normal self, whatever that is . There's still some leftover anxiety towards us, but that is just as attributable to her turning 12 than anything else. As for the other "things", I still have my place and she still has hers. Even though she calls her place "ours". Our fincances are seperated but that has little bearing on anything since money between us has NEVER been an issue and NEVER will be. I spend most of my time at her place and sleep there basically all the time. There's been ZERO contact between her and her AP or me and the woman I got involved in. I can obviously say that on my end with complete confidence, and I believe I can say that on her end since I believe it to be true. She is still an open book to me, I know where she is all the time, who she is with etc. She does this freely without my prompting. I asked her just today how it felt for her to check in with me and she said that it made her feel safe, and secure like someone cared where she was. Her cell is open to me although I don't look at it, emails etc all the same. She expresses genuine remorse and sadness over what she did and she's there for me whenever I need it. Things between us are very positive. We are far from there yet, but she is opening up to me, I am in turn trying to show her a more compassionate side of me. We are definitely more in tune with what each of us needs and are willing to provide it. We are making US a priority and I have to admit that is exciting. I am still nervous about our future which is to be expected and I don't actually spend much time dwelling on 10 years from now, I am focused on each day as it happens. We still argue and the pain is very real, but we get it out, and more often than not end up in each others arms when all is said and done. We still attend MC and I have found a local support group for those impacted by infedility. I have my first "meeting" this coming Tuesday which should be interesting to say the least. So what a ride it has been and what a ride it will continue to be. We'll see... I still am an active participant in LS for my own reasons and I will continue to be so. My wife does not participate any longer for her own reasons although she does read from time to time. Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 (edited) WN, good to hear. You sound more "positive" towards your relationship than I've heard before, which is good. And I'm sure your daughter will benefit greatly from the openness between you and your W. I know my kids (even though they're 4 and 6) are aware of what's going on, reacting to it, telling me they want me to move back in and expressing some resentment to the OM. Seeing this whole thing affect them is, by far, the hardest part because you just want to make their worlds perfect as long as you can, but, that's not my decision. All I can do it make OUR world the most perfect it can be and be as OPEN and honest with them as I can and let them know they can talk to me about ANYTHING. All I can tell you is to keep working on it. If you are BOTH making forward progress, addressing your issues, working on yourselves AND your relationship, it can only be beneficial to you. The history you have, the memories you've shared, the good (and bad) times you've gone through ALL count for something. Remember those, make them all count. That's what a real relationship is built on. I commend you for not throwing it all away out of anger, frustration, stubbornness or ignorance. You have a long road ahead, but, if you stick to it, and both work together, you'll end up with a relationship that will enrich both your lives and the life of your daughter. Good luck and keep posting...you have an excellent perspective that helps all of us that are going through such difficult times... Edited January 27, 2011 by debtman Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 and more often than not end up in each others arms when all is said and done. Wow. Just wow. I long for this. Any further updates, W_N, if you don't mind? Link to post Share on other sites
fltc Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 I'd also like to see continued updates from time to time. Some days (weeks? Too lazy to check) you posted something in another thread that made me think you'd run into a snag and I've been waiting for that post. Whatever it was I hope it's straightened out by now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author What_Next Posted March 15, 2011 Author Share Posted March 15, 2011 WGW and fltc thanks for asking how things are going. Things are progressing well actually. We've both learned to stop pushing so hard and just to let things happen. There are still very present triggers for us both and we have been learning to deal with them in a positive manner. I really don't talk all that much about the future with her any more, as I find it way too hard to think in terms of long term. My wife understands and is showing great patience. She fully grasps that this process will take a very long time. To a certain degree I am focusing on "me" at this particular point in time, in the sense that I have come to realize that I have become lost. What I mean to say is that between the moves, the issues with our daughter, our marriage crumbling, then attempting a reconcilation I have not been taking the advice that I have given so many times here on LS. That is to take care of ones self. To be "happy" within your own skin. I am going to be working on that. It's largely a personal journey, but I am open with my wife about it insofar as how she is able to help me along. She is continuing to be the most loving, caring, understanding wife I could ask for. I thank my lucky stars each day that I get to wake up next to her. This entire chapter of our lives has been one of the toughest we've had to endure, but we've done just that endure. It's perhaps a little early to say we'll prosper, but like I had posted earlier more often than not lately we end up in each others arms and that's a bloody good start. Thanks once again to each and every person that helped me through this, even when I needed a good kick in the a$$ :bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
Craig2425 Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 Wow. just read this thread and I'm happy for you. I understand where you're coming from with your kid. Mine is 3 and she asks why I don't live with her and mommy? What can I say to that? I have so many emotions that change everyday if not every few hours and it's cool to see that some stuff works out. Keep us updated Link to post Share on other sites
Lexygirl Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 W_N, I had tears in my eyes reading your last post. I am so happy for you Tc my friend Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Congratulations WN, you've come a long way my friend! Glad to hear things are going well for you both. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
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