BW asked for sep, MM devastated

[lilagirl]

Ugh... I am feeling so much pain for him. He is heartbroken. All of the aspects that make it hard for him to decide keep flashing before his eyes. He is scared for his children.

 

He began speaking of a S with her about 2 weeks ago. They agreed for one last try. Their M is so volitile. They did great for about 2 days, but you can only burry your head in the sand so long. They have been in a constant fight for 3 days - rather, she has been angry and losing her mind for 3 days straight. I see this as pain and years of hurt, rather than anger.

 

My MM has never lived alone, and is very fearful of it, due to a "condition" of his. I would be worried for him alone as well. I would never allow a man to live with me for the sake of it... my children do not need that racket. It scares him so bad to live alone... caring for his children will be difficult. He has always known this, but i guess when it is closer to reality, it really starts to set in. Custody would also be a factor here, as his ability to care for them would be impacted. Support for his condition has been minimal, with extreme insenstivities on Ws end (I have witnessed)

 

Anyway... its interesting... be careful what you wish for i guess...

 

I feel so bad for their entire family, and am pushing him to make it work with her. I am wondering about other OWs - I want nothing more than to have my prince charming... but this pain that they are all in... It breaks my heart. Do other OWs feel this contradiction as well?

 

There has been no Dday... although I have no doubt she is trying to piece together the changes, and how he could suddenly have the strength to leave, with his "condition". In the beginning of the A, she definately saw something there, and has asked about the past and made threats "if".

[bentnotbroken]

Isn't this what he wanted? Let him put on his big boy shorts and deal. He wanted someone to make the decision for him and it has been done. Let him and his "condition" grow up now. If you are big enough to cheat, be big enough to deal with the fallout.

[Confused4Now]

Isn't this what he wanted? Let him put on his big boy shorts and deal. He wanted someone to make the decision for him and it has been done. Let him and his "condition" grow up now. If you are big enough to cheat, be big enough to deal with the fallout.

AMEN to this...he will be going through a lot. If he's never been on his own....get ready for him to be going through separation anxiety stuff. He can only do this for himself. He really needs to be alone for at LEAST 6 months period. Please don't take him in....he's broken right now. MAN needs therapy for sure now.

[jennie-jennie]

(((((Lila)))))

 

There seem to be some special circumstances around your MM's situation which make it harder than normal to deal with.

 

I am wondering however why you are pushing him to make it work with her? It seems like their relationship is not healthy. Wouldn't it be better if you supported him in becoming independent enough to live by himself for the first time in his life? It is the BS asking for separation after all. Why would you counteract that?

[jthorne]

Lila,

I'm sorry to seem so insensitive, but he's a grown man. He's not 5 years old! If he's old enough to make babies with his wife, and he's old enough to conduct an affair, he's old enough to live on his own. For chrissakes, you act like someone has to dress him in the mornings. How ever could such a helpless man hold down a job?

 

I know you are sorry for what they are going through, but he's a big boy. The experience might actually be good for him.

 

And yeah, I'd get ready for her to do some serious snooping around.

 

Jennie makes a good point- if their relationship is so unhealthy, why are you encouraging him to stay?

Edited June 1, 2010 by jthorne

[scatterd]

Does he have a medical problem why did he cheat if he wanted it to work.Sorry I must of missed something.

[bittersweet memories]

Lila,

I'm sorry to seem so insensitive, but he's a grown man. He's not 5 years old! If he's old enough to make babies with his wife, and he's old enough to conduct an affair, he's old enough to live on his own. For chrissakes, you act like someone has to dress him in the mornings. How ever could such a helpless man hold down a job?

 

I know you are sorry for what they are going through, but he's a big boy. The experience might actually be good for him.

 

And yeah, I'd get ready for her to do some serious snooping around.

 

Jennie makes a good point- if their relationship is so unhealthy, why are you encouraging him to stay?

 

 

Exactly..the way she talks about him makes him sound unmanly in every way.. Yikes!

[scatterd]

wanted to introduce myself to everyone. I have been reading the forums for a while, but have been scared to post in an effort to remain secretive in my double life...

 

On a brief level, I am in the process of a separation with my H, and have been hopelessly in love with a MM for quite some time. Our A has been going on for about a year. I didn`t leave my H for the MM, because the A highlighted it was time to leave... but certainly the emotional connection and getting feelings to the surface assisted in this.

 

I am still holding out for my MM to leave... he is still in the decision making process... I am holding faith that my soulmate will soon be with me.

 

I have had many amazing days, and many terrible days as an OW. It was SO much easier when I had my own hiding to do. I have found great strenth in this board, as well as allot of ill feelings and doubt... (Could my MM possibly be lying....)

 

I just wanted to say hello... and thanks for all the heart and love on this forum. I appreciate all the perspectives and helps me with understanding my situation, and what I will and will not wait for...

 

so THANK YOU!!!!! Im wondering why the change did you not want to be together? the wife knows something and you both wanted this.Just wondering?

[scatterd]

Thats what you posted I remember you.His wife is going to be figuring everything out do you plan on telling her the truth when she asks.

[pureinheart]

(((((Lila)))))

 

There seem to be some special circumstances around your MM's situation which make it harder than normal to deal with.

 

I am wondering however why you are pushing him to make it work with her? It seems like their relationship is not healthy. Wouldn't it be better if you supported him in becoming independent enough to live by himself for the first time in his life? It is the BS asking for separation after all. Why would you counteract that?

 

I agree jennie....

[lilagirl]

Thank you everyone. Your thoughts have helped me to see that this is his journey, and needs needs to feel and experience whatever is in store for him.

 

(((((Lila)))))

 

There seem to be some special circumstances around your MM's situation which make it harder than normal to deal with.

 

I am wondering however why you are pushing him to make it work with her? It seems like their relationship is not healthy. Wouldn't it be better if you supported him in becoming independent enough to live by himself for the first time in his life? It is the BS asking for separation after all. Why would you counteract that?

 

I think I am pushing him because of my guilt in the A. I don`t want to hurt his family ... in a way that is not repairable... I don`t want to be "the cause" regardless of the fact that I feel we are meant to be together, and that I have found my soulmate. Also regardless of the fact that I know they wouldn`t make it anyway... there is too much pain there from their past and a seemingly lack of ability for future peace.

 

I guess that is what I am asking... if other OWs feel this struggle between wanting the M to work out, vs all the dreams of being together in the future.

 

I like your suggestion of helping him to focus on his independence. I see there is no future there for them, and with or without me... he will need his independence.

 

Does he have a medical problem why did he cheat if he wanted it to work.Sorry I must of missed something.

 

Yes... he does have a medical problem. He requires assistance to complete everyday, mundane tasks because of it. I believe this is why he was unhappy... as his best friend before the A started... (EA perhaps) I have always been extra sensitive to his heightened needs and have always innately known how to help him through the world. I believe he started this A due to this deep unhappiness and unmet physical and emotional needs relating to this.

 

The PA was never meant to be a future relationship... have some fun, and carry on

 

Exactly..the way she talks about him makes him sound unmanly in every way.. Yikes!

 

LOL... yes, I suppose I am making him out this way, aren`t I. The funny thing about that is that he is extremely successful and powerful at work,he commands attention in any room he walks into. His strength is what is most attractive to me... so it makes it a funny observation for me, and and has provided me some intresting introspection for me as well.

 

he does have the ability to be on his own, for sure. He would have to rely heavily on his friends to assist him with things, especially when it came to the children, however, he is a great man, with a large circle of friends who would all be there in a heartbeat for him.

[lilagirl]

Im wondering why the change did you not want to be together? the wife knows something and you both wanted this.Just wondering?

 

Its not really a change for me. I guess I am just hoping to skip the painful steps in terms of the suffering I know he needs to go through. My struggle with ending my M has been tough on me, becoming a single parent, dealing with all lifes struggles on your own, whether big or small... I don`t want that for her. My sep is still fresh for me, and I may be projecting a little and don`t want anyone to go through that pain.

 

It doesn`t change that I want to be with him, and that this is a day I have been waiting for.

[pureinheart]

Ugh... I am feeling so much pain for him. He is heartbroken. All of the aspects that make it hard for him to decide keep flashing before his eyes. He is scared for his children.

 

He began speaking of a S with her about 2 weeks ago. They agreed for one last try. Their M is so volitile. They did great for about 2 days, but you can only burry your head in the sand so long. They have been in a constant fight for 3 days - rather, she has been angry and losing her mind for 3 days straight. I see this as pain and years of hurt, rather than anger.

 

My MM has never lived alone, and is very fearful of it, due to a "condition" of his. I would be worried for him alone as well. I would never allow a man to live with me for the sake of it... my children do not need that racket. It scares him so bad to live alone... caring for his children will be difficult. He has always known this, but i guess when it is closer to reality, it really starts to set in. Custody would also be a factor here, as his ability to care for them would be impacted. Support for his condition has been minimal, with extreme insenstivities on Ws end (I have witnessed)

 

Anyway... its interesting... be careful what you wish for i guess...

 

I feel so bad for their entire family, and am pushing him to make it work with her. I am wondering about other OWs - I want nothing more than to have my prince charming... but this pain that they are all in... It breaks my heart. Do other OWs feel this contradiction as well?

 

There has been no Dday... although I have no doubt she is trying to piece together the changes, and how he could suddenly have the strength to leave, with his "condition". In the beginning of the A, she definately saw something there, and has asked about the past and made threats "if".

 

ExDM has a serious problem with being alone, but has faced it...in fact it wasn't until 2008 that I lived alone for the first time in my life...it was weird, but I lived.

 

Talk him through it, be there for him if you can...and no I wouldn't let him move in with you and your kids...I'm very particular as to who walks through my doors...I had to learn that one the hard way unfortunately...I like to keep my house clean both in the natural and in the Spirit.

 

Hang in there Lila....

[scatterd]

Well good luck I understand how your feelings are I think sometimes their is alot more then any of us can understand.We are all hear for something.The unknowing is very painful its self,his wife will be looking for answers.Anyway have a good evening.

[GreenEyedLady]

I am wondering how you think that he's going to make his M work, if you're still in the picture.

[lilagirl]

I am wondering how you think that he's going to make his M work, if you're still in the picture.

 

I don't. It would be impossible. I am also wanting to "move on" and have no plans for an LTA. He knows this, and has been searching and working towards a "glimmer" at home. (My request) the "glimmer" rule is that if he finds something he can jump on, a tiny spark that will tell him its doable to have a peaceful, happy M with her, then I walk - so he can begin the rebuilding process.

 

I have brought up leaving the A many times, and he had/has a plan in place to come to a decision. We have discussed a "pause" where there is NC, for a period of time. He has always hoped this is unnecessary.

 

I am not surprised he is devastated, of course he would be. For us, the exit plan would be as peasceful as possible, and the sep request came in anger, with numerous threats around the children attached to it.

[bentnotbroken]

I don't. It would be impossible. I am also wanting to "move on" and have no plans for an LTA. He knows this, and has been searching and working towards a "glimmer" at home. (My request) the "glimmer" rule is that if he finds something he can jump on, a tiny spark that will tell him its doable to have a peaceful, happy M with her, then I walk - so he can begin the rebuilding process.

 

I have brought up leaving the A many times, and he had/has a plan in place to come to a decision. We have discussed a "pause" where there is NC, for a period of time. He has always hoped this is unnecessary.

 

I am not surprised he is devastated, of course he would be. For us, the exit plan would be as peasceful as possible, and the sep request came in anger, with numerous threats around the children attached to it.

 

 

I would be angry too. You guys are playing with this woman's life. Encourage him to leave her the hell alone so she can be with someone who will show her some respect like not having his OW "encourage" him to be a better husband. What's so peaceful about having your life at the mercy of someone else. Good for her for putting her foot up his behind and giving him a shove out of her life. I pray she sticks to it and let him have what he wanted....his freedom. :bunny:

[GreenEyedLady]

I don't. It would be impossible. I am also wanting to "move on" and have no plans for an LTA. He knows this, and has been searching and working towards a "glimmer" at home. (My request) the "glimmer" rule is that if he finds something he can jump on, a tiny spark that will tell him its doable to have a peaceful, happy M with her, then I walk - so he can begin the rebuilding process.

 

I have brought up leaving the A many times, and he had/has a plan in place to come to a decision. We have discussed a "pause" where there is NC, for a period of time. He has always hoped this is unnecessary.

 

I am not surprised he is devastated, of course he would be. For us, the exit plan would be as peasceful as possible, and the sep request came in anger, with numerous threats around the children attached to it.

 

But you're saying that he went home to work on it a couple days and it went bad. Well of course since he's still talking to you.

 

I think it is naive at best to think that the exit plan will be peaceful. I'm sure the separation request was done in anger. You separated right? It's not usually something that two people decide all nicey, nice. It sounds like she's very emotionally invested and probably suspects.

 

Why would he be devastated if that's something he wants? Sorry don't buy that one. Of course he wants NC to be unnecessary because he doesn't want to have to change his life.

 

Plus, I don't think you're all that into him if you want him to try to find a glimmer with her. Sheesh, just move on. What do you want with a man who is acting like a child? Can't live by himself due to "issues?" He seems to do ok with you, right?

 

Threats about the children? That's classic. He's throwing the old bone out to you that he's afraid she'll keep the children from him. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. That's why there are Family Law Courts and custody and visitation orders.

 

You say you want to move on, so just do it. You don't need his permission.

 

GEL

[jennie-jennie]

I guess that is what I am asking... if other OWs feel this struggle between wanting the M to work out, vs all the dreams of being together in the future.

 

Nope, I have no desire for my MM's marriage to work out. In fact I would be PO'd if he went on to a happy ever after with his wife.

 

If I have a new partner, fine, but otherwise I want him to suffer.

Edited June 2, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[silverplanets]

Nope, I have no desire for my MM's marriage to work out. In fact I would be PO'd if he went on to a happy ever after with his wife.

 

If I have a new partner, fine, but otherwise I want him to suffer.

 

Made me smile with this one Jennie :)

 

Especially liked the new partner bit

[silverplanets]

I don't. It would be impossible. I am also wanting to "move on" and have no plans for an LTA. He knows this, and has been searching and working towards a "glimmer" at home. (My request) the "glimmer" rule is that if he finds something he can jump on, a tiny spark that will tell him its doable to have a peaceful, happy M with her, then I walk - so he can begin the rebuilding process.

 

I have brought up leaving the A many times, and he had/has a plan in place to come to a decision. We have discussed a "pause" where there is NC, for a period of time. He has always hoped this is unnecessary.

 

I am not surprised he is devastated, of course he would be. For us, the exit plan would be as peasceful as possible, and the sep request came in anger, with numerous threats around the children attached to it.

 

Hi LG,

 

It sounds like you are well aware of your needs and position. You don't want an LTA and you are sorting your life out.

 

You don't want your MM and you don't want to be responsible for him - which is fully understandable.

 

So ... surely you should just tell him this.

 

Sending him back into his marriage sounds like avoidance on your part to just being honest with him ... if he was an exit A to you then you need to break it to him .. you can't soften this blow.

 

Getting sucked into manipulating him and his wife in order to obtain a result that suits you seems very poor behaviour to me.

 

Have you promised him, during the A, more than you can give????

 

If, not , then perhaps he has assumed more than you have said.

 

Either way, surely your responsibility as an adult is to tell him the truth about how you feel/what you want ... not to cobble together this avoidance tactic.

 

YOUR job is to be honest.

 

HIS job is to work out his wife, his life etc.

 

If your honesty is that you don't want him, then what he then decides to do is NOTHING to do with you, period.

 

Good luck

chris

[bdawn]

My MM has never lived alone, and is very fearful of it, due to a "condition" of his. I would be worried for him alone as well. I would never allow a man to live with me for the sake of it...

 

what does this mean?

[lilagirl]

I pray she sticks to it and let him have what he wanted....his freedom. :bunny:

 

As a born again christian, turned atheist... this makes me laugh... Pray for peace for all people... nope.. pray for him to come to his senses and be a fullfilling husband... nope... lets pray for devastation...

 

That being said... I agree with the intent of your post.

[jthorne]

As a born again christian, turned atheist... this makes me laugh... Pray for peace for all people... nope.. pray for him to come to his senses and be a fullfilling husband... nope... lets pray for devastation...

 

That being said... I agree with the intent of your post.

Devestation for WHOM? This could end up being the best thing that ever happened to her.

[bentnotbroken]

As a born again christian, turned atheist... this makes me laugh... Pray for peace for all people... nope.. pray for him to come to his senses and be a fullfilling husband... nope... lets pray for devastation...

 

That being said... I agree with the intent of your post.

 

 

Not only did I not pray for devastation. I prayed for her freedom and that she finds peace with someone who respects and loves her. I would have to assume he has some "sense" for him to come to them. Since I don't assume that, I didn't pray for it. The Lord allows for divorce in the case of adultery. Do I think God wants anyone to live with someone who continues to expose them to diseases and emotional abuse....nope. You don't have to pray for devastation, it has already been visited on that family at his hands. That is no laughing matter.