BW asked for sep, MM devastated

[fooled once]

you make a valid point. THis is what makes his decsiion so difficult. He can only let his real self out with me... The deep emotions he feels about his condition have never been shared with anyone other than me.

 

You know this how? Because he tells you? You really don't think HIS WIFE who has been with him how long now..... you don't think he has shared this with her -- when they started dating, when they contemplated marriage? Or is he like so many MM who didn't love her, didn't want to marry her, etc. etc. etc ... whatever excuse they use to justify the affair they are in? Why do so many OW think that they are the ONLY ones who know this guy? I mean really -- I bet his wife would disagree with you and let you know SHE knows him tenfold better than you do. Don't you think at one time SHE was/is his best friend/confidant? I just don't get this way of thinking or is it just the OW rationalizing and making herself more important than she really is because she needs to do that to justify why she stays in an affair, especially when the guy has no intention of leaving? I mean, this MM isn't leaving his wife -- she is kicking his butt to the curb .. because remember the title of this thread - he is DEVASTATED over the separation.

 

To all others, he is an amazing, powerful man, who is unphased by his condition. He has a successful career despite what he goes through and lives his life, and inspires others to overcome adversity as well. He is still that man, that others see, but with me, he is allowed to feel vulnerable.

 

I know grown men who have severe bi-polar, but live alone. I know there are grown men who has Aspergers syndrome. I know there are grown men in wheelchairs who live alone, etc. If this guy is supposedly so powerful, so successful, etc in the professional world, I am just confused on why he is such a 'wimp' about living alone. Maybe then again, that is just an excuse he has given you as to why he has chosen to not divorce his wife? Or a reason why he is devastated that she has chosen to leave him?

 

hense split self... Ready... set... ATTACK!

 

My opinion in bold and italics above.

[lilagirl]

Just my thoughts above ...

 

not sure what any of it matters though, as I remember you don't want to be with him .. and that's what you need to tell him.

 

He'll cope, trust me.

 

I'd be asking myself why I have ended up in the position of being someone's free therapist/support when I don't want to be with them ...

 

 

I in NO way said I didn`t want to be with him. He was devastated, and afraid of losing his children, and all the other aspects that he appreciates about being M. In retrospect, and thinking about it for the week... I was really just saying... I want him to be sure...

 

You all would love for me to be a heartless OW, and drop an MM while he is down...

[lilagirl]

Chris, you are smarter than that. Isn't that what we usually recommend the WS on LS, to spend time on his/her own after separation/divorce, instead of directly moving in with the OP?

 

Lila has made it perfectly clear that her dream is that she and her MM will end up together.

 

I believe Lila mentions the split self because her MM is sharing his emotional self only with her, not even with his wife, and most likely he has had problems getting in touch with this part of himself before entering the extramarital relationship. (Correct me if I am wrong, Lila.)

 

Yes, you are correct. The A has brought out pieces of his emotional self that he has been afraid to look at earlier. And as Emily Brown states, the split self is usually caused by something that occurred in childhood. My MM was suddenly hit with his condition when he was a teenager. He has lived his life pretending that it doesn't bother him and that he is a stronger man than what he feels on the inside... it wasn't until the A occurred that he began exploring these deep emotions.

 

Lila, I think you need to consider matching your words, your emotions, and your actions.

 

You've been telling him to go home and work on his marriage. But then at the same time, you're hoping this fails and he comes back to you. And the bottom line is that you know full well that continued contact with you is sabotaging any possible reconciliation attempts that could be made.

 

Personally, I think you need to face some reality.

 

What you want can only come at the destruction of his marriage and his family.

 

Don't be wishy-washy on that point. Recognize it. Realize it. And either embrace it or walk away.

 

Either match your wants with your words with your wants and actions (as in tell him that you want him to stay with him, admit that you're part of the "issues" that they're going through and proceed to try to "win" him over), or change your expectations of him and his wife.

 

Seriously...think about what you're saying and doing.

 

You want him with you...that can only happen if he breaks up his family and emotionally devestates his wife.

 

Recognize that as the 'cost' of what you want. Accept it...or not.

 

 

I do agree with this. I need to be firm with him on what I want, or get out. I know I am not helping his M in any way. We had a strong friendship before the A began, and he spent a great deal of time confiding in me, and I would offer him advice on how to fix the issues. I think that has contributed to my inaction. I never saw myself as flip flopping - but rather being supportive in his decision making process. Thank you for that insight.

 

Fooled Once -

 

My MM has never lived alone. His condition, as I said, does not make it impossible for him. He definately can, and will, if he were to decide to leave. It one more component that adds to his fear in his decision making process. Just as someone in a wheel chair, or with bi-polar disorder, would have had difficulty and some fears when living alone first occurred for them. Someone in a wheelchair for example would need to figure out a plan to get groceries, get out of bed in the middle of the night, install special eqp, etc, etc... Its definately not impossible, but stating that he is afraid doesn't make him a weak man. its a reality for him and raising children on his own with his condition would not be easy. Its as simple as that.

[bentnotbroken]

Yes, you are correct. The A has brought out pieces of his emotional self that he has been afraid to look at earlier. And as Emily Brown states, the split self is usually caused by something that occurred in childhood. My MM was suddenly hit with his condition when he was a teenager. He has lived his life pretending that it doesn't bother him and that he is a stronger man than what he feels on the inside... it wasn't until the A occurred that he began exploring these deep emotions.

 

 

 

 

I do agree with this. I need to be firm with him on what I want, or get out. I know I am not helping his M in any way. We had a strong friendship before the A began, and he spent a great deal of time confiding in me, and I would offer him advice on how to fix the issues. I think that has contributed to my inaction. I never saw myself as flip flopping - but rather being supportive in his decision making process. Thank you for that insight.

 

Fooled Once -

 

My MM has never lived alone. His condition, as I said, does not make it impossible for him. He definately can, and will, if he were to decide to leave. It one more component that adds to his fear in his decision making process. Just as someone in a wheel chair, or with bi-polar disorder, would have had difficulty and some fears when living alone first occurred for them. Someone in a wheelchair for example would need to figure out a plan to get groceries, get out of bed in the middle of the night, install special eqp, etc, etc... Its definately not impossible, but stating that he is afraid doesn't make him a weak man. its a reality for him and raising children on his own with his condition would not be easy. Its as simple as that.

 

 

It appears, based on the actions that you have stated about him, he is weak and it isn't because he has a handicap.

[lilagirl]

It appears, based on the actions that you have stated about him, he is weak and it isn't because he has a handicap.

 

 

Thanks, I think I can safely close this thread, and thank the good lord that I am not so narror-minded, and think the worst of everyones words.

 

I pray to god that my mm loses his condition that makes him such a weak man.

 

I will not be responding to anymore posts on this thread. . This is getting out of hand

[BB07]

Thanks, I think I can safely close this thread, and thank the good lord that I am not so narror-minded, and think the worst of everyones words.

 

I pray to god that my mm loses his condition that makes him such a weak man.

 

I will not be responding to anymore posts on this thread. . This is getting out of hand

 

 

Lilagirl.......don't go, just because you feel that some replies are too harsh. You just have to learn to take what you can use from the responses and discard the rest.

[RedDevil66]

Thanks, I think I can safely close this thread, and thank the good lord that I am not so narror-minded, and think the worst of everyones words.

 

I pray to god that my mm loses his condition that makes him such a weak man.

 

I will not be responding to anymore posts on this thread. . This is getting out of hand

 

Life will never hand you only the answers you want to hear......

[jthorne]

Life will never hand you only the answers you want to hear......

Amen to that.

We all have strengths and weaknesses. But the better person is able to rise above their weakness, not use it to tie up two other people's lives.

[bentnotbroken]

Thanks, I think I can safely close this thread, and thank the good lord that I am not so narror-minded, and think the worst of everyones words.

 

I pray to god that my mm loses his condition that makes him such a weak man.

 

I will not be responding to anymore posts on this thread. . This is getting out of hand

 

 

Thank the good Lord I am that narrow minded about people who cheat and steal the life from others. The only way he will lose the condition is become a man with integrity. Respond or not, it won't change the kind of person he is and what he is doing to the women he comes in contact with. :sick:Only he can do that. And while you are praying to God about "your MM" ask him to send him to you permanently so his wife can find real love. She if he will oblige what you both so fervently want.

[Fieldsofgold]

you make a valid point. THis is what makes his decsiion so difficult. He can only let his real self out with me... The deep emotions he feels about his condition have never been shared with anyone other than me.

 

FOOLED ONCE: "You know this how? Because he tells you? You really don't think HIS WIFE who has been with him how long now..... you don't think he has shared this with her -- when they started dating, when they contemplated marriage? Or is he like so many MM who didn't love her, didn't want to marry her, etc. etc. etc ... whatever excuse they use to justify the affair they are in? Why do so many OW think that they are the ONLY ones who know this guy? I mean really -- I bet his wife would disagree with you and let you know SHE knows him tenfold better than you do. Don't you think at one time SHE was/is his best friend/confidant? I just don't get this way of thinking or is it just the OW rationalizing and making herself more important than she really is because she needs to do that to justify why she stays in an affair, especially when the guy has no intention of leaving? I mean, this MM isn't leaving his wife -- she is kicking his butt to the curb .. because remember the title of this thread - he is DEVASTATED over the separation."

 

To all others, he is an amazing, powerful man, who is unphased by his condition. He has a successful career despite what he goes through and lives his life, and inspires others to overcome adversity as well. He is still that man, that others see, but with me, he is allowed to feel vulnerable.

 

FOOLED ONCE: "I know grown men who have severe bi-polar, but live alone. I know there are grown men who has Aspergers syndrome. I know there are grown men in wheelchairs who live alone, etc. If this guy is supposedly so powerful, so successful, etc in the professional world, I am just confused on why he is such a 'wimp' about living alone. Maybe then again, that is just an excuse he has given you as to why he has chosen to not divorce his wife? Or a reason why he is devastated that she has chosen to leave him?"

 

(my thoughts exactly!)

[GreenEyedLady]

Thanks, I think I can safely close this thread, and thank the good lord that I am not so narror-minded, and think the worst of everyones words.

 

I pray to god that my mm loses his condition that makes him such a weak man.

 

I will not be responding to anymore posts on this thread. . This is getting out of hand

 

I teach children with disabilities of all kinds.

 

One thing that is prevalent is the enabling that goes on in the home.

 

People with ANY sort of disability can reach a certain level of independence given the right coping mechanism and support. However, the type of support you are giving is unneeded. Any man who is "powerful" and can have a functioning family, R with a W and a R with a mistress, obviously is not that disabled. Grow some and stop the enabling.

 

He's counting on you not forcing his hand.

 

GEL

[whichwayisup]

Thanks, I think I can safely close this thread, and thank the good lord that I am not so narror-minded, and think the worst of everyones words.

 

I pray to god that my mm loses his condition that makes him such a weak man.

 

I will not be responding to anymore posts on this thread. . This is getting out of hand

 

Good luck, you're going to need it. Just know you can always come back. People here DO CARE, that's why many of us are trying to help you, though it seems you're not really ready to "hear" what most are saying.

 

Your MM has issues and only HE can fix them. Not you, not his wife. When/if he's ready, he'll get counselling and work on himself. Until then, he is who he is.

 

One part I don't understand.

 

He began speaking of a S with her about 2 weeks ago.

 

So, he's OK talking about separating, yet when she actually now DOES want to separate, he freaks out? Which is it that he truly wants? Was he calling her bluff? Was he LYING to you about talking to her about a separation? And that's why he FREAKED out when she was the one saying let's separate? Something really doesn't make sense here.

 

I hope you take afew days, relax and then continue posting on LS. You do need this place.

[NoIDidn't]

He's counting on you not forcing his hand.

 

....this....

[Fieldsofgold]

 

You all would love for me to be a heartless OW, and drop an MM while he is down...

 

First of all, I don't actually think this guy is "down." Secondly, if he IS actually "down," he, um, does have a wife he might try turning to, for a change.

 

And your comment about how hard it would be for him to rear children by himself --- I think you can safely put that worry to rest. Unless his wife is a crazed drug addict, or voluntarily signs over custody of the children, that will never happen.