The fog???

[Fraggles]

I have a question about "the fog" that WS' go through.

From my understanding, it is either not being able to have NC with the OP, or having "withdrawal" from the OP.

My FWH had a two month A that started "as friends" (gag) and ended as a PA. They had a few "groping" encounters and only had intercourse once.

He ended A and established NC immediately upon my discovery. Called her in my presence and ended it. From my knowledge and belief, he has not been in contact since.

He has been everything he should be; remorseful, supportive through my crazy days, loving, caring etc. He has even planned a weekend away coming up for our anniversary (a feat in itself b/c that was always "my job" if I wanted to go ANYWHERE.)

Okay, so here is my question. I explained to H about "the fog" thing. He has read some of the posts on the boards too. I ask him, "Do you feel withdrawal; do you miss her, etc" He says No. He says that he never thinks of her...he says he thinks daily of the pain he has caused, but never specifically of her and he does not miss her at all.

Is this possible? Not that I WANT him to miss her, etc. but I am worried he is "stuffing" feelings, etc. that will come back to haunt him (and us) later.

He is in IC and I told him maybe he should try to really think about her and their relationship, etc. and see if there is really something there he needs to "deal" with in counseling.

Am I nuts or is this probably something he needs to address?

Thanks!

[brashgal]

It didn't go on for very long (2 months?), maybe they weren't that invested in each other. He may not miss her, especially if he is truly remorseful.

 

I'd be careful how much you ride him about this or he'll be stuffing the feelings down your throat...if he is seeing a counsellor independently, let them work that out in their sessions.

[Fraggles]

Thanks.

 

Of course I hate bringing her up...and she is only brought up by me when I am upset about the whole affair.

 

He says he only feels anger at her when she "encroaches" upon our lives now., I.E. at church this past Sunday, she just had to walk down the middle aisle directly at us (side aisles were empty) and almost brushed against me as she passed. My back was turned but H saw it out of the corner of eye - he was pissed she was so close to me.

 

I don't know whether to be comforted by that, or offended; meaning "where was that feeling when you wanted to be with her??"

 

Having a couple of bad days here...what a roller coaster!

 

And what makes it worse is my sister, whom I have confided in since practically birth, is not "supporting" me anymore. She believes I should be separated from him and punishing him more. Like that is going to help recovery! So, I don't have anyone to confide in on a daily basis anymore. It's been hard.

 

Thanks for your response!

[brashgal]

I can imagine. I know that my sister and friends grew tired of my complaints about my ex's affairs and even after we split, my preoccupation with the OW. I think if he seemed angry about her behavior in the church, he isn't missing her, he probably wishes she would just go away.

 

You can't do anything about what went on before or how he felt about her, you have to let it go - you give it too much power to hurt you every time you bring it up again (even in your mind).

 

Hang in there - it's a bitch, I know - went through 3 years of it - hoping you will get past it (and it sounds like you will, it was short-lived and he has shown remorse and appears to be working on this with you).

[Fraggles]

Yes, I am hoping that we wil make it.

 

He has done everything that I have asked him to do: get counseling, read articles, books, etc. on the subject, talk whenever I need to (even if that is until 3 am) and he shows his love for me daily.

 

This was SO outside his character that I have to believe that he is truly ashamed, guilt-ridden and mortified at himself and will do anything it takes to make our marriage work.

 

I want to believe he does not miss her; that all he wants and thinks about now is us. And from all that he has done, there is nothing to suggest otherwise. So, I guess I am the one giving her the power. Thank you SO MUCH for getting me to really look at that, brashgal!

 

Off to bed...H will be home from work soon!!

 

Peace out.