After 2 years broke NC: interesting result

[pkn06002]

So have not posted for a long time but had something interesting happen recently and wanted to post it.

 

So need to make a job change and ended up back at the same company where my xOW still works. Almost did not take the job because she is still there but given the job market took the job. So very nervous about bumping into her there and I did within two days. Needless to say the NC was broken after 2 years but has turned out to be a good thing.

 

As mentioned very nervous about bumping into her and what expectations there might be. She had the same nervousness. Funny thing happened we both care about each other but have no interest in restarting anything. Seems we were both revealed to hear that neither of us want anything more than to just be friends. She did become the best friend I have ever had which I sorely missed, looks like I get to have that back.

 

Even though I do still care about her (yes I do still love her) don't have those chemical induced love feelings just a deep caring for her. Talking to her allowed me to release that small part of me I was holding back for her, just in case. Which took a lot of effort and mental energy to keep. Now feel better than I have in years (since NC started) not having to spend time on something I know will not happen again.

[lilagirl]

Sounds dangerous... The whole friendship/still love her stuff... Be careful.

 

I hope you two can both be friends, and not reignite the fire.

 

Good luck

[jthorne]

Yep, I agree with Lila.

You two are not best friends. Acting like such is playing with fire.

 

I'd encourage you to set very strong boundaries. No discussing anything you could not discuss in front of her husband. Probably be best not to discuss personal stuff at all.

Good luck!

[Mombot]

Am currently involved with separated but MM... and honestly, I understand that talking and relating in conversation can be special with one person. That may have been the premise of your relationship in the first place.

 

You may have trouble with this one though. The level of pleasant relating and sharing even without sex may just be enough to uproot your hone scene. Remember, it is not only the level of attention you pay her but the pleasure and intensity that will be noticed. It's harder to have a friend you can't really talk about than an affair.

[whichwayisup]

She did become the best friend I have ever had which I sorely missed, looks like I get to have that back.

 

It won't be long before conversations happen, remembering the past, reconnecting and allowing feelings to be reopened.

 

How does your wife feel about this? Have you told her that you're working with the exOW again? How does her husband feel about this? Not sure if you are the MM or if she's the MW. You said she's your ex xOW so I assume that you're the married one.

[bittersweet memories]

So have not posted for a long time but had something interesting happen recently and wanted to post it.

 

So need to make a job change and ended up back at the same company where my xOW still works. Almost did not take the job because she is still there but given the job market took the job. So very nervous about bumping into her there and I did within two days. Needless to say the NC was broken after 2 years but has turned out to be a good thing.

 

As mentioned very nervous about bumping into her and what expectations there might be. She had the same nervousness. Funny thing happened we both care about each other but have no interest in restarting anything. Seems we were both revealed to hear that neither of us want anything more than to just be friends. She did become the best friend I have ever had which I sorely missed, looks like I get to have that back.

 

Even though I do still care about her (yes I do still love her) don't have those chemical induced love feelings just a deep caring for her. Talking to her allowed me to release that small part of me I was holding back for her, just in case. Which took a lot of effort and mental energy to keep. Now feel better than I have in years (since NC started) not having to spend time on something I know will not happen again.

 

 

Big Mistake! You are kidding yourself.. Don't go there, avoid asap.

[pkn06002]

You all make very valid points, can't/won't argue with them.

 

Mombot your response is very much true. It is that talking and relating that is the "special" thing with her. Something I have only had with one other person in my past.

 

whichwayisup the discussions you suggest were already done. But for me instead of wanting to reconnect I have finally found peace with the whole mess. I held on for too long relying on hope. The only way that hope was removed was through a discussion that covered the past.

 

Thanks for the responses it is nice to have a place where I can get this all out. I do have a feeling this will now all just fade away and finally end.

[Owl]

Well, definitely hope that things work out for all of you, PKN.

[jj33]

Hi mmm i tried for 3 years to make it work. Alot of the time it didnt because at the beginning I was still so in love with him I couldnt bear to be around him. It hurt too much. But you have the distance of time.

 

By 2 years out he was baiting me on a consistent basis and silly me I rose to the bait every time.

 

Being freinds may work if you are both VERY clear about the boundaries. However unless you have found more happiness in your marriage, I suspect that in 3, 6 9 months or a year, you will be back saying I cant take it anymore I cracked we are involved again.... its hte only thing I can do as I cant leave my W until my child is older.

 

The bonds of a good A are unbelievably strong because it often ends before either one falls out of love with the other. So the feelings are like embers of a fire. They glow and glow for a long time. And if they are stirred, even gently over time it may be enough to ignite hte fire again.

 

So you may test the friendship waters and it may feel safe for some time, who knows it may be safe, but I suspect unless your ,marriage is in a better state, it will be the prelude to round 2.

 

Sorry my friend, but I call it as I see it.

 

Mine ended badly. After 3 years of baiting he pushed me over the cliff and we basically dont speak. I am relieved at the moment. It was killing me slowly so his azzclown behavior, that straw that broek the camels back was actually a blessing.

 

Take good care

[ladydesigner]

Hi mmm i tried for 3 years to make it work. Alot of the time it didnt because at the beginning I was still so in love with him I couldnt bear to be around him. It hurt too much. But you have the distance of time.

 

By 2 years out he was baiting me on a consistent basis and silly me I rose to the bait every time.

 

Being freinds may work if you are both VERY clear about the boundaries. However unless you have found more happiness in your marriage, I suspect that in 3, 6 9 months or a year, you will be back saying I cant take it anymore I cracked we are involved again.... its hte only thing I can do as I cant leave my W until my child is older.

 

The bonds of a good A are unbelievably strong because it often ends before either one falls out of love with the other. So the feelings are like embers of a fire. They glow and glow for a long time. And if they are stirred, even gently over time it may be enough to ignite hte fire again.

 

So you may test the friendship waters and it may feel safe for some time, who knows it may be safe, but I suspect unless your ,marriage is in a better state, it will be the prelude to round 2.

 

Sorry my friend, but I call it as I see it.

 

Mine ended badly. After 3 years of baiting he pushed me over the cliff and we basically dont speak. I am relieved at the moment. It was killing me slowly so his azzclown behavior, that straw that broek the camels back was actually a blessing.

 

Take good care

 

This is an amazingly well said post. Very true.

[jj33]

Thanks I think it is very true and I think it accounts for wy so many people hang on. It also accounts for why its so dangerous for people to stay in touch.

 

On one side or the other there is almost always something there. And while I think its possible IN THEORY to be friends after a certain amount of time has passed I think its unusual for being friends to work out.

 

But I think PKN is unusual in his perserverence. Its a sense I have of him I could be wrong only he knows. And only he knows how cautious he wants to be at this point in time.

[pkn06002]

again thanks for all of the responses. I do like the frankness that you all are giving me. Very much mimics a lot of my own thoughts on this.

 

As this has unfolded it is a very weird thing (no other word to describe it)

 

Time away has definitely helped in dealing with all of this. I could not see trying to do this when everything was very raw and painful. I know because I tried and it hurt something awful.

 

We talk all the time and it is really nice, actually I prefer (she has stated also) the way things are now. I did tell her that as much as I loved what we had before this was nice, no expectations etc... It is something very comfortable and enjoyable, knowing there is someone that knows me as well as she does and just talking. It is a very weird mix of old and new with her.

 

Now I will say it gets a bit stressful when I have actually seen her. That is a totally different ball of wax all together. Something I try to limit because of the effects it has.

 

What I really still don't understand is the "why" of all of this. I still don't get why I feel so driven to talk to her, she says she likes talking to me. Yes there are warm feelings but nothing like that "hot" overwhelming of before. Could it be just the comfort? This really is like nothing I have experience with, so a bit lost understanding it all.

 

Oh and yes all of you that have warned it could be a perlude to round 2, very valid point. Once reason we do have very set out boundaries. Like no talking outside of work, no seeing each other outside of work, no going anywhere alone

Edited June 8, 2010 by pkn06002

[Circular]

Wasn't it Mark Twain that said something like "Familiarity breeds contempt - and children"

 

 

I agree with what most folks have said here. I think you're already swimming in the water with the shark, you just haven't realized it yet - what you're actually entering into is an EA, you already have feelings about it and your comments about enjoying how much you talk is the red flag. This is how EAs start and escalate.

 

I have a theory on EAs - that many of them start because we don't feel the right connection with our BS, there's this feeling that's something is missing, some resonance. And, many of them start innocent enough a lot of people will say "I didnt mean this to happen, I love my SO, how did this happen??" - but, yet, it happens. And what I believe makes them really dangerous is that when we're M and don't intend on having an A our guard and filters are extremely high. For someone to get around those guards and filters requires extreme chemistry and compatibility between the two parties. You fall into the EA because you've met someone that appears to be the perfect match and you determine that based on the emotional connection that develops as you talk to each other.

 

So, 2 years have passed - it doesn't matter. You'll feel like no time has passed, like you just saw her a few weeks ago. The conversation will pick up where it left off, you'll feel this unbearable urge to want to talk all the time. Maybe you'll set down boundaries - but those boundaries after a few cocktails one night will eventually slip - and you might think it's not possible, but your primal instincts and your brain are going to pull a fast one on you and do whatever possible to reconnect at the emtional level it needs to satisfy the itch. It might take months, a year, like someone else said, but don't fall into a false sense of security. Your comment on your last post "it could be a perlude to round 2" is your own admission that you haven't set down a solid wall. If you truly don't want it to go there you have to be stedfast on your boundary and say "no way can I let that happen".

 

I suppose my question would be - What was it that led you to have an A with this person to begin with? What did you learn from it prior? What was missing? How did you go about fixing that personality flaw?

[whichwayisup]

Like no talking outside of work, no seeing each other outside of work, no going anywhere alone

 

Yes, boundries. Also, with a clean slate, one thing you both need to do is, don't talk about the past, the A, how wonderful it was. Don't rely on her for emotional feeds (my concern is, you'll become emotionally attached to one another, especially if she becomes attached to you, again). Another concern, as mentioned before, a set up for the A to start up again. It could be an EA, especially if feelings are being felt again. Keep guarded, keep your distance, emotionally and physically. No hugs, kisses, touches on the shoulder.. You may be able to control what you feel, but what about her?

 

What I really still don't understand is the "why" of all of this. I still don't get why I feel so driven to talk to her, she says she likes talking to me. Yes there are warm feelings but nothing like that "hot" overwhelming of before. Could it be just the comfort? This really is like nothing I have experience with, so a bit lost understanding it all.

 

This is something you need to think about. Whatever was there between you, IS still there. Sure, maybe not as intense, and deep, but it's still there. Tread carefully............

[silverplanets]

again thanks for all of the responses. I do like the frankness that you all are giving me. Very much mimics a lot of my own thoughts on this.

 

As this has unfolded it is a very weird thing (no other word to describe it)

 

Time away has definitely helped in dealing with all of this. I could not see trying to do this when everything was very raw and painful. I know because I tried and it hurt something awful.

 

We talk all the time and it is really nice, actually I prefer (she has stated also) the way things are now. I did tell her that as much as I loved what we had before this was nice, no expectations etc... It is something very comfortable and enjoyable, knowing there is someone that knows me as well as she does and just talking. It is a very weird mix of old and new with her.

 

Now I will say it gets a bit stressful when I have actually seen her. That is a totally different ball of wax all together. Something I try to limit because of the effects it has.

 

What I really still don't understand is the "why" of all of this. I still don't get why I feel so driven to talk to her, she says she likes talking to me. Yes there are warm feelings but nothing like that "hot" overwhelming of before. Could it be just the comfort? This really is like nothing I have experience with, so a bit lost understanding it all.

 

Oh and yes all of you that have warned it could be a perlude to round 2, very valid point. Once reason we do have very set out boundaries. Like no talking outside of work, no seeing each other outside of work, no going anywhere alone

 

This stuck out above everything in this post for me ... unless I am mis-reading it you two guys have agreed "special rules" around your friendship ..

 

Why????

 

All it needs is for YOU to know 150% where YOU stand. You don't need to come up with special "the two of you only" rules .. that's just making secrets from your other halves in another way.

 

All you have to do is know that YOUR rules to yourself are 1) no more married women and 2) No more seeing other people whilst you are still in a relationship and (probably) 3) Keep ALL work relationships as professional if the job market really is as bad as you argued in your first post

 

As long as you are clear on the above WITH YOURSELF then you have NO NEED to enter into little special arrangements ...

 

Everyway I read this post it feels like you are making more of this than it need be.

 

If your mind is clear that the answer is NO until the end of time whilst both you and her are in relationships then no-one can make you break that rule.

 

Only YOU can decide that.

 

If you are wondering whether you really DO have that rule for yourself - then, well, what ARE your rules is what you should be asking yourself.

 

No-one can force you to sleep with them in a civilised society .... if you are open to it, if you are feeling "emotions" when you see her then that is because you are letting yourself.

 

If this door opens it is your choice - regardless of whether you own up to it being your choice or not.

 

Not sure if you are married - but if so then I am sure your other half would have been ok with you not taking the job no matter what.

 

Every way I approach this post it only gives me one question .. what is it you are up to?

 

If you just needed closure - then great, you've got it and I'm really pleased. No more action needed.

 

If you are "receptive" to more, talking about it etc then that's your choice ... my only suggestion is work out what YOU want and don't let any situation decide for you.

 

The last time I met my xMW I had already told her (for the nth) time that I wasn't going to go back into an A - its not what i wanted and not what was right for me or my daughter.

 

She turned up dressed to kills, tried to press all the buttons etc etc .. and though I understood, though yes, I still had huge feelings for her etc etc, there was never ANY wavering about whether I would fold or not. I had stated my lines and my lines were MY lines.

 

Any attempt to get me to wander from them was, to be honest, a sign that someone wasn't respecting what I had said.

 

So back to my point - if you draw your lines then there's no need for any issues with the other person. Just live according to your lines.

 

C

[pkn06002]

I really wish I could figure out what I wanted out of all of this. That is part of my problem.

 

I don't know maybe it is just that I never let go.

 

I do know I don't want another affair with her, I will not go down that road with her again. Even the affair, when in place, got to a all or nothing point.

 

I do enjoy her company and if things had not happened in the past she would be one of my best friends. Problem is there is a past that very much complicates all discussions and feelings.

[jthorne]

You asked why... I suspect it's because you'd like to rewrite the ending of the A. Turn a bad into a good. Can't do that my friend, you can't change the past.

 

You are in dangerous territory. You're already heading towards an emotional affair, if you aren't there already. Do you look forward to work hoping you'll find a reason to email her? Do you think about the emails when you get home from work?

[secretlady76]

I think we all know where this could be heading. The fact that you find it necessary to write a thread about it gives me warning signs in the first place. It'll become an EA then maybe a PA and then there will be heartache and the whole things goes full circle.....again.....

 

Keep away from her if you can, unless of course you don't want to (more like), because I bet you love the way she makes you feel......addictive huh?!

[Owl]

PKN my friend...the fact that you're feeling this confusion is a HUGE RED FLAG.

 

And it raises the question...what are you going to do about it? What are you going to do to safeguard your marriage?

[silverplanets]

I really wish I could figure out what I wanted out of all of this. That is part of my problem.

 

I don't know maybe it is just that I never let go.

 

I do know I don't want another affair with her, I will not go down that road with her again. Even the affair, when in place, got to a all or nothing point.

 

I do enjoy her company and if things had not happened in the past she would be one of my best friends. Problem is there is a past that very much complicates all discussions and feelings.

 

IMHO the fact that you think this is the problem IS the problem !

 

The facts are, I believe, that either one (or both) of you is married.

 

What happened before is irrelevant.

 

I repeat again - the facts are that today, right now, one (or both) of you is married and, according to you, as you don't want an A for you then that simple fact means you should choose not to engage.

 

If you are saying you don't want to be in an A but are then engaging her with special treatment/thoughts then either you are lying to yourself about what you do want OR you are somehow sabotaging what you do want.

 

The only confusion is that which you are creating to yourself.

 

If you are honestly not interested in an A then there is no confusion. Back to my fact - she(or you) is married and therefore it would be an affair - hence you are not interested, period.

 

If you are willing to let it slide into an A then stop pretending "oh no, I don't want to ..." ... and accept that you are choosing to do it.

 

It's really not hard. Decide what you want/believe and then stick to what you want/believe.

 

I don't mind what you decide .. but I think you should be honest that it is you deciding ..

 

Leaving yourself open to it "starting again" IS you saying you're ok with it ...

 

If the answer is no then the answer is no.

 

I once had to work with a woman who had falsly accused me of sexual harassement and tried to have me fired .. I was cleared but had to work with her until the end of her contract .. did I want to, hell no. But I did, I just defined my boundries to myself and kept them. I never once reacted, voiced anger or anything ... I just behaved in a pure professional manner to her, even when she tried to rile me.

 

No-one can disturb your calm without your permission my man ...

 

If you just start to behave in a pure professional manner then, over time, she will react likewise.

 

If you start to open doors, then same, she will react likewise.

 

C

[jthorne]

PKN my friend...the fact that you're feeling this confusion is a HUGE RED FLAG.

 

And it raises the question...what are you going to do about it? What are you going to do to safeguard your marriage?

I didn't realize the OP was married. OP, Whether your W ever knew about this OW or not, do you realize how disrespectful to your wife it is for you to be speaking with this woman? Would you want your W speaking to someone with whom she'd had an affair, whether you knew about the A or not?

[pkn06002]

Have not posted for a while so guess I will address some of the responses.

 

1) Yes I'm married no wife does not know I am in contact with the OW, no she will not be told.

 

2) Yes OW is married and no here husband does not know she is in contact with me. Interesting that she promised him to never contact me but semantics she never said she would not respond if I contacted her.

 

3) Yes you can consider it an EA we do lean on each other but we do not talk about home life to each other. Matter of fact when we have gone down that path one or the other of us stops that discussion. Yes we have in may ways picked up where we left off, we both missed each other over the last 2 years.

 

4) We do talk a lot and I am glad to have her back in my life and vs. versa. But this is way different than before. Not that heady love feeling driven by chemicals it is more comfortable and loving than intense. It is just different where real life sets what can happen and what is realistic.

 

5) I am finding that I like her company more as a friend than I did in the affair. Looking back the affair was so much work and drama, what is going on now is not. There is caring/love without all the expectations of something else, which does fill a need. We were always good friends but the affair added something else, but then again we would not be close without the affair.

 

6) It is becoming a different type of relationship than I have ever had but one I really like. There are things like envy on my part from not being able to really have her in my life but no desire for a full on affair either.

 

so there you go

[road]

confucius say

 

man who plays with matches will get burned

[cavedweller]

pkn,

 

My friend, you are playing with fire..Break it off now..This week you will be in her head and next week you will be in her pants.

[NoIDidn't]

I was going to ask about your W.

 

What you are doing has *stupid* written all over it. (Not calling YOU stupid)

 

Look forward to the next D-day. You should tell your W and go back to NC.

 

You will likely regret this very much.