After 2 years broke NC: interesting result

[GordonDarkfoot]

Yes it is an EA a very intense one, no argument there. Even brought that up in our discussion. But there are no long term plans here, but then again there were not before either and that lasted over 3 years.

 

What you list as an affect on my relationship with my wife was already there. Has been for a long time, wife and I have been discussing things like this recently.

 

 

Congratulations. Instead of having one unsatisfactory relationship with a woman, you now have two: your marriage, and your re-ignited affair. (IMO a lingering emotional affair with a woman who was physically and sexually unavailable--for the most part--would be just teasing myself and therefore completely unsatisfactory.)

 

You're living in something of a "bubble" of laissez faire attitude about all this because you haven't been subjected to any real negative consequences, other than the draining of the energy you have to put into your primary relationship in order to support the secondary/affair relationship. But just because the leak may be tolerable doesn't mean the ship isn't slowly sinking. You just haven't reached the point of "man overboard." Yet.

[pkn06002]

GordonDarkfoot - interesting comment. Strange thing is the relationship with the OW is not all that unsatisfactory, frustrating yes but not unsatisfactory. Yes would be nice to be physical with her again but that is not what really draws me to her. Have been there with her and as satisfactory (awesome) as the physical part was with her I so love the emotional connection with her more. As I posted earlier sex is easy the emotional connection is harder.

 

Tell you what an affair is stupid but one where you fall in love is the poster child for lunacy.

[jwi71]

Hello again PK.

 

You know, I think, if I recall, that your daughter is around the same age as mine - 7.

My D is final - has been for for almost a year now - emotionally separated almost 2.5 years.

Both my kids, 5 and 7, went to IC. They cried. They learned. They adjusted.

 

Now?

 

My daughter is the most popular kid in her class (20 out of 22 showed up for her summer b-day, crap that was expensive) and I found out all of 3 weeks ago she was accepted into the gifted and talented program. She smiles, runs, plays and NO LONGER NEEDS IC.

 

Ditto my son, who spends his day ruining his sister's so all is normal.

 

Do I miss the 50% of the time they are not here (they aren't now)...of course. But I adjusted too. Hell, its a built in break for me to go be single!!

 

I can PROMISE you that you and your daughter will adjust.

 

What you DON'T see is how HAPPY I am - AND my kids.

 

Something to think about.

[pkn06002]

jwi71

Thanks for the reply you gave me something to think about.

 

I know several people that have gone through divorce and almost to a one the men are not happy. The woman I know say it was the best thing they could've done.

 

jj33

Maybe your right and I do want to get caught. Have been thinking a lot lately about the "what I want question". Seems such a simple question but the answer are very difficult.

[Owl]

Then let your wife go...Go be with the MW as much as you want to, but let your wife go. It's so cruel, selfish and unfair what you're doing to your wife. She's under the impression that you and the exMW are NOT in contact. She (your wife) built up trust and faith in you, when the A ended. She deserves better than what you're able to give her.

 

Tell your wife you and the MW are kind of back together, having an EA. Let your wife decide if she wants to stay married to you. Who knows, maybe she'll agree to an open marriage, keep the benefits of staying together, but each of you can live separate lives outside of the house. To continue on as things are, you have your cake and eat it too, is shi.tty to your wife.

 

Gotta completely agree with this.

 

And PKN...I'm gonna say it.

 

I told you so.

 

As you've clearly demonstrated...working with/remaining in contact with an affair partner doesn't work.

 

So...agreeing with WWIU here...when are you going to "man up", tell your wife the truth, and work things out to a resolution?

[TOWinNYC]

PKN – I read your whole thread and I feel for you. I do. Some of the things you said resonated with me…

 

4) Wasting 2 years of NC maybe. From talking to her I never left her mind just as she never left mine. So not really sure how effective NC was in all of this. The pain went away after 8 months but the feelings never did, matter of fact they just changed and became deeper over the time.

 

*sigh* This is the problem that most people who advocate NC seem to “conveniently forget”. You said you had NC for two years (24 months, 730 days!). But the problem with this kind of connection and love (when it exists and it’s real) is that it never dies.

 

So the question becomes: what is one supposed to do? DENY it?

 

I don’t think it’s possible to deny it but….maybe you could OWN it first and figure out what you want, next.

 

Sex is easy to find but a true emotional connection is not, this one is leagues outside of any I have had before.

 

Bingo. Which is why after two years it still exists. And if the situation was different and both you and she were single (ie. both divorced) I have no doubt the two of you would be together. Except just like you have your reasons for not getting D, I’m sure she does too.

 

I do everything for everyone else why not take something that makes me happy? Oh wait thats right love is all about actions and self sacrifice well by that definition I love my wife to bad I don't feel it.

 

Don’t worry – whether right or wrong, you’re not alone in this thought process. Everybody wants to be happy, everybody wants to taste it – and it’s very hard to give it up once you’ve had it.

 

Have been thinking a lot lately about the "what I want question". Seems such a simple question but the answer are very difficult.

 

PKN – you have my full sympathy regarding the “what do I want” question. And you’re right. It’s a simple question but answering it is very difficult.

 

And I will just add – even when you finally decide “what you want” it doesn’t mean it’s smooth sailing from there. The waters could still be rough – but at least your boat will be headed in the right direction.

 

Good luck.

[lolalove]

Selfish sure, why not. I do everything for everyone else why not take something that makes me happy? Oh wait thats right love is all about actions and self sacrifice well by that definition I love my wife to bad I don't feel it.

 

 

Is this for real?! If love is all about actions and sacrifice, then your actions (seeing OW behind your W's back) and self - sacrifice (where? what are you sacrificing? not OW... I guess you are sacrificing a relationship with your W) show that you don't love your wife and you don't do everything for everyone else. That's why you don't feel it.

 

Why not "take" something that makes you happy? - What a messed up world this would be if we could all just TAKE what makes us happy at the expense of someone else's happiness. I believe that is called selfishness.

[Owl]

 

*sigh* This is the problem that most people who advocate NC seem to “conveniently forget”. You said you had NC for two years (24 months, 730 days!). But the problem with this kind of connection and love (when it exists and it’s real) is that it never dies.

 

So the question becomes: what is one supposed to do? DENY it?

 

I don’t think it’s possible to deny it but….maybe you could OWN it first and figure out what you want, next.

 

Bingo. Which is why after two years it still exists. And if the situation was different and both you and she were single (ie. both divorced) I have no doubt the two of you would be together. Except just like you have your reasons for not getting D, I’m sure she does too.

 

 

Don’t worry – whether right or wrong, you’re not alone in this thought process. Everybody wants to be happy, everybody wants to taste it – and it’s very hard to give it up once you’ve had it.

 

PKN – you have my full sympathy regarding the “what do I want” question. And you’re right. It’s a simple question but answering it is very difficult.

 

And I will just add – even when you finally decide “what you want” it doesn’t mean it’s smooth sailing from there. The waters could still be rough – but at least your boat will be headed in the right direction.

 

Good luck.

 

 

See, I don't completely disagree with this.

 

If he's totally, completely in love with the OW...then DON'T deny it.

 

Embrace it. Tell your wife, free her and yourself.

 

But...DO NOT sit there and do the whole affair/cheating game on your wife again.

 

I don't feel sorry for you, PKN, nor do I think you want anyone to do so. You're where you've chosen to be, as is your OW.

 

Your wife on the other hand didn't sign up for this....free her, and then pursue whoever you want to.

[pkn06002]

OWL

Your right I don't want anyone feeling "sorry" for me. I do enough of that myself. Like a lot of people I post to try and get things out and to get peoples opinions so I can try to understand what the heck is going on. Yes I need to make a final decision to either stay or go. All the same crap I went through 2 years ago.

 

TOWinNYC

NC would work if you follow the whole idea of that person is dead and gone with the idea that you will never see them again. I always knew I would see her again so NC did not get me past all the feelings. Even if I had followed the NC for life those feelings would still of been there, which really does not help.

 

lolalove

Yes selfish so what? Do enough for someone long enough with no return and guess what you no longer care. But I do what a "loving husband" is supposed to do so by some people I "love" my wife. That is if you follow the whole love is an action not a feeling idea. I personally belive in the feeling more than the actions. Yes actions can bring feelings but in a already broken relationship I just don't know.

[whichwayisup]

Just my 2 cents but are you willing to divorce your wife, reguardless of what the MW does? Are you willing to lose the life you've created with your wife, friends, family, inlaws, kids, the whole works? I'm telling you, sooner or later your wife IS going to figure out that you're back with MW again. And, chances are quite high she's going to kick you out and probably divorce you.

 

So, you'll be left with a MW who more than likely isn't going to leave her H, even though she loves you too, and you'll stay the OM in her life. You lose what you have at home, all for what? Soulmate love that you can't have openly, freely and honestly?

 

I feel sorry for MW's husband and your wife - And any kids that are involved in this soon to be mess.

 

Man it up - Sh.it or get off the pot. to continue to sneak around, live a lie daily, live your life with your wife as if nothing is going on behind her back is just plain cruel and it's this kind of thing that is going to make her HATE you. If you are honest with her NOW, atleast she'll respect you abit for telling her, setting her free. Make sense?

[Owl]

TOWinNYC

NC would work if you follow the whole idea of that person is dead and gone with the idea that you will never see them again. I always knew I would see her again so NC did not get me past all the feelings. Even if I had followed the NC for life those feelings would still of been there, which really does not help.

 

 

To use another great Yoda quote..."This is why you fail."

 

If you knew you'd see her again...then NC wasn't applied properly. You knew she'd be part of your life again...so instead of removing her from your life...you simply put things on hold for a while.

 

Good luck. No advice left to give, from my viewpoint. You've seen it all/heard it all before. You know the drill.

[lolalove]

OWL

 

lolalove

Yes selfish so what? Do enough for someone long enough with no return and guess what you no longer care. But I do what a "loving husband" is supposed to do so by some people I "love" my wife. That is if you follow the whole love is an action not a feeling idea. I personally belive in the feeling more than the actions. Yes actions can bring feelings but in a already broken relationship I just don't know.

 

If you don't mind being selfish, then why even come to LS? Do you think anyone would support you being selfish? There are many, many people that do things for others with nothing in return that don't become selfish. A loving husband doesn't cheat -EA or PA so no, you're not doing what you're supposed to do. Personally, if my H supported me financially, cleaned my house, took care of the kids, kissed the ground I walked on, etc, etc, it would all mean NOTHING if he was having any kind of affair with any other woman. I'd rather have faithful lazy man! If you don't make the right choices soon, get ready to reap what you have sown.

[Silly_Girl]

If you don't mind being selfish, then why even come to LS? Do you think anyone would support you being selfish? There are many, many people that do things for others with nothing in return that don't become selfish. A loving husband doesn't cheat -EA or PA so no, you're not doing what you're supposed to do. Personally, if my H supported me financially, cleaned my house, took care of the kids, kissed the ground I walked on, etc, etc, it would all mean NOTHING if he was having any kind of affair with any other woman. I'd rather have faithful lazy man! If you don't make the right choices soon, get ready to reap what you have sown.

 

I don't think it's right to suggest he shouldn't post just because you don't agree. Most thread-starters are in pursuit of something or are trying to learn or understand. I didn't see the OP suggest celebration of his selfishness. This stuff can be hard and people learn and react in different ways.

[NoIDidn't]

I'd rather have faithful lazy man!

 

Speak for yourself! LOL!

 

I'd rather have NEITHER - the cheater or the lazy guy.

 

Both are burdens and cause untold heartbreak because of their choices. Cheating and laziness are choices.

[lolalove]

I don't think it's right to suggest he shouldn't post just because you don't agree. Most thread-starters are in pursuit of something or are trying to learn or understand. I didn't see the OP suggest celebration of his selfishness. This stuff can be hard and people learn and react in different ways.

 

 

You're right. I'm sorry. I guess I just hate when someone says it's ok to be selfish, but I definitely get your point! Just because I don't agree doesn't mean someone shouldn't post. I let anger take over on that one!!