Please help (again) emotional abuse???

[libra]

I have posted in the past and have really had some wonderful people offer some good advice. So here we go again.

my husband and I separated in October mostly because his jealousy and insecurities and I needed to be more independent. I guess deep down I kind of want my freedom. We have been together over 20 years and i was always very dependent on him. Which was fine with me. I didn't want to make decisions. I was always the peacemaker (at all costs) and took blame and lots of guilt for things that weren't even my fault to keep peace and everyone happy. (learned behavior from growing up in a "walking on eggshell" home. Everyone knew they could guilt me into things, family, my kids, husband.

Anyway, four years ago, I went back to school, quit my job of 16 years, which was non--threatening to him (all women) and started a new career. Kids are older and time to enjoy life and my own interests. For many years I asked him to do things with me but he was content to sit in front of tv and just be with the family. I have many friends and stopped asking him and went with friends and family. He has centered his life around me and the kids (not entirely a bad thing, but not healthy).

Things came to a head with his insecurities, he moved out in October, realized he wants this marriage and moved back in December. I wasn't quite ready and was enjoying not answering to anyone but the kids. example, he would joke that I was with a boyfriend if shopping too long. Once even accused me of having an affair with the minister after I decided to go back to church.

Wonderful holiday season but now things are HELL! He has always been controlling: what I wear to work, no friends of opposite sex, "joked" about me having a boyfriend & picking up guys when out dancing with friends (even told 16 yr old daughter this), who i go to lunch with. We went to counseling a few times, no success. He has gone through my cell phone bill twice and called any numbers he didn't recognize, threw my cell phone, accused me of not being at work (2nd job at sports bar), made me quit bar job (married women don't work in bars), repeatedly calls me a "whore", threw and broke cell phone, took car keys twice, disabled my car, taken my possessions (cell, laptop- made me let him see my emails, makeup -"warpaint") threw out my panties, ripped the new ones (thinks I bought them for someone else since they are newer), checks up on me and told me if I go out "whoring" with friends, doors will be locked at midnight.

Wow, after re-reading this I am thinking what am I doing in this relationship?????

I am physically getting sick, constant anxiety, shakey all the time. I see a counselor. Everyone tells me to get out before it's physical. I blame myself because he has told me that he knows I don't look at him the same anymore, don't love him like I use to (this is before the crazy behavior). He grew up in an abusive home, no affection, lots of unstability, think he needs to control everything now. Needs to be needed. Also, I did tell a few lies that made him more insecure and not trusting. I was afraid to tell the truth even though it was innocent he would have turned it around. I ran into a highschool friend (guy) while separated and we talked on the cell 3 or 4 times. Never met up, my decision. I lied when confronted afraid he would accuse me of cheating... he did accuse. Now he thinks all this behavior of his is justified.

He turns everything I say around and manipulates me. But then I see the other side of him, how hard he wanted to try to make this work. Showering me with attention and affection, taking me places, buying me things, plans for the future. He feels that if I just "help him through this" and stop seeing friends for a while andjust be with him it will get better. The last month we have been together constantly and things have gotten so much worse.

I now moved to spare room. Went to a lawyer who is waiting for the word to start paperwork on divorce. But, still so torn. Why can't I let go? I do not feel in love with him anymore. Do not desire him (oh yeah, he used sex as a weapon most of married life, would pout and be mad if he didn't get it when he wanted and then accused me of not being aggressive).

Sorry so long, any advise would be appreciated. I have been reading a book about verbal and emotional abuse. It's like it was written for me. He even read some of it. He says he wants to change but something triggers him and a day or two later and i'm a whore again who is SELFISH for wanting more than this. Why can't I be content.

[moimeme]

Why can't I be content.

 

Please tell me you're not asking this.

 

Wow, after re-reading this I am thinking what am I doing in this relationship?????

 

Precisely. Go ahead with the divorce. You will see, once you are away from him and the influence he has wielded over you, exactly how bad it's been. While you are in the situation, you're almost in one of those hostage situations where the hostage identifies with the captor. He will not change because he cannot and therefore you must leave. I hope you're dealing with your local women's shelter for support and information on how to do it successfully.

[sinny]

Wow! That does not sound like fun. This guy seems very threatened by any bit of independence you exhibit, and some of those behaviors you describe would qualify as abusive in my book. You must be a loving woman for even considering staying with him.

 

I have been married and divorced to one guy and, after 6 years of living with another guy, am on the cusp of getting married again. The main thing that separates these two men is that the guy I am with now wants to be with me, wants to be married, and is willing to work for it. He makes the attempt and often surprises me with his insight and caring. I am confident that we can work through difficult issues.

 

When guys have been abused, like my 1st husband was, it is really hard to make a go of it if they aren't willing to do some intense emotional work. It sounds like your husband has some major fears about losing you but is having a hard time convincing himself that now is the time to figure things out. He is prob. really scared, and may be unable to address his emotional issues to the level that would be required for you to want to stay with him.

 

If he wants the marriage he is going to have to make some changes. If he can't or is unable to change DON'T STAY. It sounds like you've been pulling too much weight long enough.

 

On the other hand, if he is willing to get help, actually has the capacity to look honestly at himself and change, it is possible that you could be happy again. I guess you have to be clear on what you will tolerate and what he is willing to do to maintain the marriage.

[libra]

Thank you for your support. I seem to need approval for my decision (to end the marriage). Friends and family would support me either way but are now getting to the point where they are saying it IS time for me to leave. Since things have intensified. Before, the incidents weren't that often. but almost daily up until this past Sunday. He did say he wasn't going to do those things anymore. I feel that he still blames me (has told me this) for all that is wrong. So I guess that he probably won't take counseling seriously. He did look over the emotional abuse book I had but never mentioned it again. He hasn't made an appointment with a counselor or even our marriage counselor that I know of. We went for about 4 sessions. I cancelled the last one a few weeks ago since it was right after he disabled my car and was a little physical (restrained me from walking away).

How do I deal with the guilt? I know he wouldn't feel so insecure if he felt that I really truley loved him and desired him. My decision seems clearer when away from him or when he is being so hurtful, but it's SOOOOO TERRIBLY hard when he is being nice. I pray for strength.

 

I am hoping that things will be clearer for me when he is gone.

 

Thank you again

[Miss_Prolixity]

I know exactly what you're going through. I too, am in an emotional/mental abusive marriage. It is funny, because at the time, I took the "abuse" and mistakenly took it for love.

 

When we were dating, the signs were obviously there. I remember times when we would have an arguement and I would tempt to leave the relationship and how he would use his abusive behaviour towards me, such as: breaking the glass coffee table, breaking his phone, cutting his arms with a knife, strangling his neck (suicide threat if I left) etc... But at the time I was in denial and thought, "this man really loves me to go through all that".

 

Anyways, those were just signs of his abusive ways in dating, now we're married. It's been 10 long years. Sure we've had our good times but I can recall a lot more of the verbal attacks. I too, have been called a whore, bitch, no man would ever want you, you're like my mother (his mom use to physically abuse him, which I don't understand the comparison) and you've ruined my life. But yet I am still with this man and I don't know why. In some sense I do, because I married young (18 y/o) and I've been quite dependant upon him. But now I am in counceling and I've been researching on the web about abusive relationships.

 

I've been contemplating divorce and have been for years. But it's like he can be so manipulative. He apologizes and has good behaviour for some time, then his old ways come right back up. I just don't know what I really want to do. And I like you, am searching for answers. It's kindof like I want people to validate me for wanting to leave.

 

You know, it is kindof sad. I have talked to my dad about what he has done to me and my dad (strong believer in marriage) wanted me to stick it out. Although he didn't like what my husband was doing to me, he doesn't believe in divorce. The only way he thinks it is okay is, if the spouse has an affair or there's physical abuse. I was flabberghasted to say the least. I told my dad, that physical abuse is bad, but at least the physical scars may heal, while verbal abuse wounds the heart, mind, and soul. Now he is being more supportive towards my decision, although I still haven't made up my mind.

 

Anyways, reading your story helps, because I know I am not going through this alone. It is a very traumatic situation to be faced in and I know how much damage this can do to ones self esteem and confidence. I hope we can find peace in whatever decision we decide and learn to love ourselves.

[libra]

Dear Miss_Prolixity

I have found a wonderful website http://www.brokenspirits.com. The group is so supportive.

What has been so hard for me is the fact that this behavior has really just became unbearable recently. He was always controlling over the last 20 years but not really bad. I was always ok with it. It was only recently, last few years that it is not acceptable. And only the last month where it has become severe.

Last night we went out for dinner/drinks and I decided that I would tell him that it's over. Public place, he couldn't get violent (he was only physical once). Well, he called me the usual names, told me he has done everything for me, I'm ungrateful, won't ever find anyone else that would do what he does for me. Also said that I am throwing away everything just to be selfish to see what else is out there. The things he said were horrible and made me feel less than nothing.

We got to the car and I totally lost it. I was sobbing uncontrollably and he held me and said he only says these things because he is hurting so bad and doesn't want to lose me. So we ended back at square one and in limbo again. Maybe we will continue the talk today.

I love him but not in love anymore. I know what you mean about manipulative behavior. He twists everything around until I am so confused I don't know what's real, what isn't.

[jester]

libra, you are a hostage. moimeme is right. This is close to a marital Stockholm Syndrome.

 

If not for yourself, then for your children, contact your local support center to learn effective ways to get this whacko out of your life without bloodshed.

 

Those people are trained in that sort of thing. You really need an exit strategy that works. We're not generally equipped here for that kind of practical guidance.

 

I know that once you're out from under his jackboot, you will be reborn as a woman and as a person. Meanwhile, get the divorce papers and protection from abuse order ready, and have a shelter option in place.

 

Good luck.

[SoleMate]

I understand your guilt and ambivalence. There's no question that your husband is one severely hurting human being, and he probably is half crazy with grief and fear. You've been caring for him for half a lifetime, and to walk away (or run away) now is against so many of your instincts. Here's two more thoughts to throw into the mix:

 

* You MUST protect yourself. You MUST. And to do so, separating is your best and perhaps only option

* Separating also protects HIM - from travelling further into his hell, and hurting you more, perhaps irremediably

 

As jester says, you need an exit strategy, and you need to make sure you stay safe. The riskiest time is from when he suspects that you will leave until you are in a safe place.

 

Once you are truly out of this maelstrom, you will be amazed at how you can breathe...and live...

 

Good luck, please post again for any help, advice or support you need.

[libra]

Jester and Solemate

 

Thank you so much for your input. I don't know why I need so much reassurance that I am doing the right thing by ending this. I think I get lulled into a false sense of security when things are quiet (as it has been for the last week, with the exception of last night).

I am trying to not remember the good times for now or the future plans we made. Someday I can remember them without pain. It only adds to my indecision. I am trying to remember that this is MY REALITY the here and now. I know I can't do this anymore. He says he can never trust me again. I know I couldn't trust him again, I would be trying to tow the line even without him telling me what to do. I would instinctivley know what he expects so I would end up compromising myself to do what he wants. I told him without trust, there is nothing.

I am hoping that he will start to realize some of the things I have said and come to the conclusion that this is not good for either of us. Maybe he will let me go without such a fight.

 

I will continue to post, your support is greatly appreciated. I am going to follow up with the local domestic violence support group. I did call the other day and they have given me information for excape plans.

 

Thank you and bless you

[jester]

We're here, libra. Contact us if you need anything.

 

Good luck and please be very, very careful.

[Miss_Prolixity]

Libra,

Thank you so much for the link. It isn't working right now, but I will keep checking back.

 

By reading your posts, it makes me relate to my own life. To know that I am not alone and others can relate, it sure helps lighten the burden.

 

I reflect back on my marriage and can remember times when we would fight and the abuse was there, and how I would threaten divorce, but since I would never leave, how could he take me serious. He knew he had all the control and that he could dictate how things went because I was/am too weak to leave.

 

But, a lot of changes are happening in my life. I am trying to educate myself on what a "healthy" relationship looks like and I've learned that I've never had one. All of his verbal/mental abuse damaged myself self esteem and worth, so how could I ever feel worthy of another mans love. I thought that this was the only man in the world who could/would love me because I am so " bad ".

 

Right now I am trying to be more dependant upon myself and learning that only "I" can make myself happy and not another person. Right now, I am trying to work on my self esteem and confidence. I think healthy attracts healthy and I had little self esteem when I met him, so I became too dependant on him for my happiness and he abused it.

 

I am really sorry to hear about your episode last night. I know how hurt you must feel. Right now my husband is on his best behaviour, because I think he finally knows that it is over between us. And now, this is a very hard time because he is being so loving and caring. But how long will this last?

 

Anyways, I am rambling too long, but I want to thank you Libra for sharing your story. I am encouraged by your stength to recongnize you're not going to stand for his abuse. It motivates me and helps me remember that we don't deserve abuse and we need to love ourself.

[libra]

To all of you on this board

I want to thank you for giving me strength when I had little, hope when I saw no future and comfort and understanding when I was feeling alone and confused.

I come back to these posts when those old feelings start pulling me back down and I think that I can do what I need to get myself back on the right path.

I know better days are ahead, its going to be a tough road to travel for a while but in the end I will be free. Free to make my own choices, my own decisions, my own thoughts and feelings.

Thank you

[cutiepie]

Hello to all of you.

 

My story started 10 years ago when my husband "Jeff" and I met. The relationship started out with me receiving roses every week for a month. (We were engaged within a month and a half, married in less than a year.) THEN, I went to get my hair cut....and he said I looked like a f***ing boy. I adored him at the time, so I just dismissed it as a bad mood. Now, I believe that I was in love with the "idea" of being married and it was the way to "freedom".

 

 

When we got married, my life became a nightmare. Surprise romantic dinners were destroyed by him walking in the door screaming for no reason. I was told that I married him to have a father figure. (I have a father who is very active in my life and knows how unhappy I am) I was accused of having affairs from the beginning. (His first wife cheated on him) I LOVED HIM! Would have kissed every nasty toe, if that was what he wanted.

 

After two years of marriage hell, my high school sweetheart (Stewart)found me, and a 5 month affair took place. I was deeply depressed and he was the one that was there for me. My husband knew that I cried myself to sleep every night and did not care. Now, five years later, I have a child with Stewart. My husband knows that he is possibly not the father, but decided not to find out for sure. Stewart has seen his son, but the situation has not been explained to the child.

 

Jeff still throws fits when he does not get his way, and sometimes for no reason at all. After he's finished screaming, I ask him, "Are you done yet?" When going out with friends, he acts alright with everything until it's time to leave, then he throws a fit, in which I stay at home to make him happy, THEN he gets mad at me for NOT going! By then, my friends have already left.

 

I casually mentioned something about not getting flowers anymore, so he went to the store, bought flowers, came haome and threw them at me. Then he said, "ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!"

 

When our oldest child was born, he would call me at work, knowing I could not leave, and say, "Just get her to shut the hell up!!!" I was crying and had to call his mom to go help him with the baby. This happened frequently.

 

I am emotionally drained from this relationship and from the mistaked that I have made during the marriage. I KNOW that I would be happier outside this marriage. We walk on eggshells continuously when he is home and I try my best to avoid him.

 

I have fallen out of love with him and have discovered a strong mutual bond in an old flame, but I cannot leave this marriage for anyone else but me. I don't want to hurt Jeff. Maybe, in his mind, he is happy.

 

Right now, I have NO desire to work this out. We have not been to counseling, as he does not believe in it. My heart aches every day, knowing that I could be happy. I even know who I could be happy with. But for the meantime, we are best friends, as we have always been.

 

 

WOW! I have written alot! I hope that you can understand this. There is so much to say. There are so many examples of this, that I could write all day.

 

I am usually pretty quiet during arguments and let him do all of the name calling and screaming. For the record, I have NEVER called him ANY names. That seems to be what he's best at.

 

Thank you,

 

CutiePie

[moimeme]

Why, why, why why why do people stay married when the marriage is horrible? Why didn't you divorce him years ago? Why not now?

 

I cannot leave this marriage for anyone else but me.

 

So go.

 

I don't want to hurt Jeff

 

One someone starts behaving abusively to you (and he does), this kind of consideration is no longer on the table. He clearly isn't concerned that he's hurting you, now is he? So what sort of misguided loyalty thinks you owe him that which he won't give you????

 

I have no idea what sort of counsellors you have been to, but if his behaviour is as you describe, and if he can't or won't change, then they should have ordered you to leave the marriage.