LDR troubles

[Xelha]

I've been with my bf for about a year and a half now, all of which has been long distance, and I'm starting to feel quite frustrated about it all.

 

My bf studies law and has been having trouble at school. He doesn't feel particularly passionate about what he studies, and so it's difficult for him to study as much as he probably should. Anyways, now he thinks the university might kick him out for failing too many classes. The thing is, he feels very pressured to succeed, as if a lot of people would be disappointed in him if he were to fail.

 

I can understand how he feels, so last night after he talked to me about a lot of this, I left him a really supportive and caring message. Today it was like it did nothing for him(and normally I'm good at knowing how to cheer people up)... and he started saying some things that really got to me. He said that if he drops out, he couldn't stand to be around the people he knows now, and that he'd move to some other place just to be away from their disappointment in him and things like that.

 

He said he wouldn't be able to be with me, either, because he would always be afraid of me leaving him(he thinks I won't think he's good enough for me). I told him that would be really selfish, because he would be protecting himself while at the same time breaking my heart, all for some stupid fear.

 

Anyways, all this has made me really upset/angry, especially since I haven't seen my bf since January, and it will have been 7 months of us being alone before I go to see him using a ticket that cost me over $1000. For him to even suggest the idea that he'd leave me if he were kicked out of school makes me so mad.

[Els]

Was this a one-off thing, or has he been saying it over a period of time? I know I've said a lot of dumb things during very bad times in my life, that I didn't mean. I always took them back later though.

[Xelha]

Well, this is the first time he has said something like this, but the way he said it, it didn't seem like something he would later take back.

We also talked things through again several hours after our previous conversation, and he didn't take back what he said before at that point, either. Now he says something like "don't worry about what might happen, I'll just try not to let it happen.". It bugs me because he's always been VERY sure he wants to end up with me, and now all of a sudden he thinks he might be too ashamed of himself in the future for that to be possible. :S I don't know what the chances are of him being forced to drop out, but I know that they're high enough that I should take his "If I were to be kicked out,...." statements seriously.

 

He's always had some self-esteem issues... about how he compares to me, especially now that I'm about to graduate, and he still has at *least* 2 more years left(he's a year older, too). I try to help him with these insecurities, but I don't know how much good it's actually doing. :/

[stace79]

Sounds like he's extremely immature. Honestly, I would use this information to think about whether YOU really do want to be with HIM. If this is how he reacts in stressful situations, what would he do if he got laid off from a job after you lived together or were married or had children? Would he just up and walk out because he's ashamed? Would he become emotionally abusive again? (Because saying that is emotionally abusive to you -- you were trying to help him.)

 

If he's that big of a whiner and quitter, I don't know that I'd really want to be with him anyway.

[Xelha]

Yeah, I dunno....

 

I first started seeing signs of this immaturity during his last visit in December/January. He sometimes plays these "games" with me, by giving me some sort of "test" without telling me, and then when I fail, he gets mad at me.

 

For example, last winter he did this test where he wouldn't give me a kiss the whole day, until I gave him one first. He wanted to see how long it would take me to kiss him. I failed this test of his pretty badly, mainly because I was sick at the time with a cold, so the last thing on my mind was kissing my bf. He also became more and more irritated throughout the day, due to my "failing" his test. Anyway, this whole incident left me really upset because he even blew up at me about this(at the time I had no idea even why he was angry)... and I found myself wondering for the first time if maybe he wasn't the one for me.

 

I did confront him about all this behaviour and told him about how childish it was, but yeah, sometimes he just doesn't get the point I'm trying to make. He'll sometimes pretend not to be mad, when he clearly is, and refuse to talk about it. It can be so frustrating because I normally don't even know what I've done wrong.

 

I'm a bit worried about this next visit(I'm going there in 2 months). I remember how hurt I felt last winter after that one incident, and I'm thinking that if there's a similar one this time our relationship might not survive. Despite what I just said, there are a lot of good things to say about my bf, which is why I'm hoping we can work through these issues. :/

[stace79]

Yeah, I dunno....

 

I first started seeing signs of this immaturity during his last visit in December/January. He sometimes plays these "games" with me, by giving me some sort of "test" without telling me, and then when I fail, he gets mad at me.

 

For example, last winter he did this test where he wouldn't give me a kiss the whole day, until I gave him one first. He wanted to see how long it would take me to kiss him. I failed this test of his pretty badly, mainly because I was sick at the time with a cold, so the last thing on my mind was kissing my bf. He also became more and more irritated throughout the day, due to my "failing" his test. Anyway, this whole incident left me really upset because he even blew up at me about this(at the time I had no idea even why he was angry)... and I found myself wondering for the first time if maybe he wasn't the one for me.

 

I did confront him about all this behaviour and told him about how childish it was, but yeah, sometimes he just doesn't get the point I'm trying to make. He'll sometimes pretend not to be mad, when he clearly is, and refuse to talk about it. It can be so frustrating because I normally don't even know what I've done wrong.

 

I'm a bit worried about this next visit(I'm going there in 2 months). I remember how hurt I felt last winter after that one incident, and I'm thinking that if there's a similar one this time our relationship might not survive. Despite what I just said, there are a lot of good things to say about my bf, which is why I'm hoping we can work through these issues. :/

 

Hmm... My biggest advice to anyone would be to figure out if you are really, honestly happy in your relationship more than you are sad or upset or hurt. If you aren't, then it's a bad relationship for you. There were a lot of good things about my ex, too, but I figured out I was unhappy more often than I was happy, and that's just no way to live. So even though I did love him, I had to end it.