Flying a good friend over to hang out.

[laptopacc]

I was recently in another town for about a year, going through college, working, the typical stuff. While I was there though, I met a really good friend though. We'd hang out a bit, and had a good time. However I just moved back, and am now very far away. Been through a lot of anguish, missing her. We're both just about as honest as we can be with each other, if there's a misunderstanding we talk about it, if something's on our mind we talk about it. We've both revealed things that we wouldn't tell anyone else.

 

She has the opportunity to fly up here and we'd be able to hang out, which would be really sweet. The problem though? She's about 35, and I'm about 20.

 

She's a single mom, would do anything in the world for her kids and family, but recently has been under a TON of stress, just about the entire world against her - she had to go to the hospital due to stress. Also as a single mom, she doesn't make very much, often cutting by barely month to month on just rent, so as a result she wouldn't be able to actually pay for much herself right now. The flight tickets would be about $300, which I think she'll be able to pay half when she's better financially. This also doesn't include the cost to actually do things, although nothing is really that pricey that we want to do.

 

I really don't have too many friends here now that I moved back, just about one really good friend that I've hung out with, so i'm pretty lonely right now until college starts. I've had about $2,500 for literally about the last year, and I HATE spending money on myself. I've bought about 2 main gifts for myself over the last year, both around $200, but one was free because i sold something for $200 anyway. I'm a VERY frugal guy - it's not that i don't want it, it's that i know i don't need it so why waste my money. I have no money spending money for others though. This seems like something I wouldn't mind spending money on, and i have it available.

 

Guess I would just like opinions on this topic. I fully acknowledge it's a very silly thing for a kid about half her age to want to pay a few hundred dollars for her to come here, but at the same time I don't spend money on about anything else, so it would be a very fun few days.

 

Advice though? Part of me says this would be a great time and stress reliever for us both, but part of me says that that money COULD be used on something more long-term.

Edited June 2, 2010 by laptopacc

[carhill]

Platonic friend? How long? If she flies up, where will she stay? I'd offer to 'host' her (do activities on your nickel) if she flies up on hers. If she wants to bad enough, she'll figure out a way. You'd be amazed at how people 'with no money' find money when they want something bad enough. See it every day.

 

From your past posts, it looks like you're a 'helper'. BTDT, have the emotional scars to prove it. My suggestion above is a boundary I learned from hard-won experience. Sharing the 'costs' eliminates the Hoovers. Good luck

[laptopacc]

Platonic friend? How long? If she flies up, where will she stay? I'd offer to 'host' her (do activities on your nickel) if she flies up on hers. If she wants to bad enough, she'll figure out a way. You'd be amazed at how people 'with no money' find money when they want something bad enough. See it every day.

 

From your past posts, it looks like you're a 'helper'. BTDT, have the emotional scars to prove it. My suggestion above is a boundary I learned from hard-won experience. Sharing the 'costs' eliminates the Hoovers. Good luck

 

Yeah, platonic friend. Really not THAT long admittedly, maybe two months. The thing was because I knew I was leaving on a set date, I was sad, and she just seemed to be there for me so we became very close. LOTS of hugging. She does little things that I appreciate, like offering to make a sandwich for me, asking if I need anything, and just being there. It's so small, but to me it's the small things that mean the most. She treats me like one of her kids, which i absolutely love.

 

I just highly doubt she'll have the money. She already does owe me some money (long story), but we're waiting for the tax refunds before she can really pay me back (it's a decent sum of money).

 

I think part of the reason that we're so close though is she's the first person that really let me express myself to her and was caring.

 

So on that note, it's a very awkward friendship though, which I fully admit.

 

Edit: Quick note. I've never had a girlfriend. This throws another huge "Ugh" into the story. I'm not looking at her like that, but I can't help that that fact is throwing me off as well. I'm TERRIBLE at spurring on a conversation with girls, however i'm WONDERFUL with people once I know them.

Edited June 2, 2010 by laptopacc

[carhill]

Since April 15 is now long gone, I'd be looking for a check and a nice 'thank you' note in the mail. Get that out of the way and then re-visit airline tickets. Watch out for the Hoover effect. If you train people to suck the life and money out of you, they will.

[laptopacc]

Since April 15 is now long gone, I'd be looking for a check and a nice 'thank you' note in the mail. Get that out of the way and then re-visit airline tickets. Watch out for the Hoover effect. If you train people to suck the life and money out of you, they will.

 

June is the only month she doesn't have her kids. Hence the unfortunate rush.

[laptopacc]

I may be having second thoughts to this now as well, but I don't know.

 

She deserves a break, and it would be fun for me as well, but the whole money thing is kinda iffy.

[carhill]

You deserve a lot of things in life too. Do you see others lining up to make them come true? If you do, let me know where that line is and I'll join you. I'm feeling a bit entitled myself now

[laptopacc]

You deserve a lot of things in life too. Do you see others lining up to make them come true? If you do, let me know where that line is and I'll join you. I'm feeling a bit entitled myself now

 

Yeah, I suppose

 

I'm just totally a non-picky guy, ha ha. Even on food, i'm usually "I want ____, but there's a ____ in the fridge and that's cheaper..."

 

Got a good PC, got a decent laptop. Got a PS3, 360 from a long time ago, got wii as a family Christmas gift.

Got an Ipod. Got a phone. Got a car.

 

Anything other than that is buying things just to spend money.

 

I'm telling you, even if others were lining up for things I want in life, they'd get bored in the line and wander off.

 

I'm just about as low-maintenance as it gets.

 

Only thing I need right now is a girlfriend. Bllehhhh....

 

Anyway though, back on topic, that's my main defense for paying for it - I got just about everything else. But I'm still hesitant because, well, a person flying someone out twice their age just as friends is a very odd topic...

[carhill]

A really good life lesson, hard-won, which I've learned over the decades, is to reward generously those who show their loyalty and love over time with their words and actions. I see examples of this every day with friends, some of whom I haven't seen in years in person. We just click and the process is mutual. As I was typing this, I was interrupted by one of them, who invited me to dinner with she and her husband tomorrow night. Remember, mutual. You've shown your care and generosity. Watch for balance. Balance is healthy

[laptopacc]

A really good life lesson, hard-won, which I've learned over the decades, is to reward generously those who show their loyalty and love over time with their words and actions. I see examples of this every day with friends, some of whom I haven't seen in years in person. We just click and the process is mutual. As I was typing this, I was interrupted by one of them, who invited me to dinner with she and her husband tomorrow night. Remember, mutual. You've shown your care and generosity. Watch for balance. Balance is healthy

 

Yeah, I think she'll be one of those life-long friends, and i certainly hope so. We already jokingly noted she'd be one of my "Best-men" at my wedding, and she plans to be there for my graduation.

 

Problems exist between her ability to show it's mutual, with more than words at least. Other than the small things, there's really not TOO much she does on her part. So now the difficult question, is it one-sided? If it is one-sided, is it only because she's so busy (single mom - has to iron clothes, cook food, spend time with kids, homework, bring to school, work....)? Or is it really mutual, with no real ability to show it.

 

In your opinion, yay, or nay?

Or as said, nay unless she can chip in a little money at least?

 

I'd really have no problem paying half, that would be great, but to pay full with half on an IOU, but having to do it this month, so kinda rushed for time. Bleh, headaches....

Edited June 3, 2010 by laptopacc

[carhill]

Great example. Friday, said friend will pick up a lady flying into San Franscisco and take she and her nephew on a week-long tour of Cali, a place neither have ever visited. After, I'm flying them back home to the Midwest. I've never met this lady but my friend knows her well. The lady took a few minutes and a few dollars, which she has precious few of, to buy and send me a thank you card for my generosity. She also called me on my recent birthday. I don't expect anything. My friends have been lifesavers during my divorce and any friend of theirs is a friend of mine. We take care of each other. We each have our strengths.

 

I have a simple rule. I never grant wishes. I extend proactive generosities. A lifetime of dealing with Hoovers has grown that perspective. It's up to you to decide whether this much older single mom is a true and loving friend or a Hoover. If the check is in your mailbox with that thank you note, friend. If, instead, convincing words, of 'explanation', Hoover. Trust me. BTDT. Good luck

[laptopacc]

Great example. Friday, said friend will pick up a lady flying into San Franscisco and take she and her nephew on a week-long tour of Cali, a place neither have ever visited. After, I'm flying them back home to the Midwest. I've never met this lady but my friend knows her well. The lady took a few minutes and a few dollars, which she has precious few of, to buy and send me a thank you card for my generosity. She also called me on my recent birthday. I don't expect anything. My friends have been lifesavers during my divorce and any friend of theirs is a friend of mine. We take care of each other. We each have our strengths.

 

I have a simple rule. I never grant wishes. I extend proactive generosities. A lifetime of dealing with Hoovers has grown that perspective. It's up to you to decide whether this much older single mom is a true and loving friend or a Hoover. If the check is in your mailbox with that thank you note, friend. If, instead, convincing words, of 'explanation', Hoover. Trust me. BTDT. Good luck

 

Sounds like you've surrounded yourself with good people. Can only hope to be where you are one day friend-wise.

 

Thanks for your help by the way. She loves to call me in the morning before work, and on her drive to work (absolutely love that, a nice peaceful talk with her about the previous day is always great - I just don't have the heart to tell her it's been waking me up, because I KNOW she'll stop doing it then), so I think I'll just bring up the slight issue and see the response. On face value though, I have a feeling she'll react as "I'd love to go, but if you don't want to I understand" kind of thing.

 

We'll see though.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I agree with carhill.

 

I never do anything because I am asked. That really bugs me. I am genereous out of my own free will. True friends will be greatfull and reciprocate in kind, non-true friends will only ask for more. Likewise, if someone is genereous to me (which so rare to find), I will repay twofold.

[SadandConfusedWA]

OP, it sounds like you are in love with this woman.

[laptopacc]

OP, it sounds like you are in love with this woman.

 

Ugh, hence my confusion.

 

Part of me wants to see her, but part of me says that this entire thing was a stupid idea and what's done is done....

 

Then at the same time, part is saying "Spend money on your good friend" and part is saying "Save it for when you ask a girl out so you can do more fun things."

 

And then there's always the fact of I don't entirely know how thankful she'll be about the whole thing. I'm the type of guy that I'll go to the end of the world for someone, but it can tick me off when I don't get a simple thanks.

[laptopacc]

Just called her and let her know that maybe the whole thing wasn't the greatest idea in the world.

 

Told her I wasn't very comfortable with possibly having to pay the full thing and just have a big IOU list with her. She has told me already she wasn't sure she would be able to, and just reminded me of that - essentially a "We'll see."

 

 

This entire thing was sort of my idea, so I really don't think she's just leeching. Kind of feel like a jerk, like the dad who promises to take their kids to Disneyland and then is busy that weekend with work.

 

I suppose if she's a real friend though and it's mutual, she'll kind of understand.... right?

[carhill]

OP, it sounds like you are in love with this woman.

Yeah, I recognize a bunch of similarities between OP's story and the lady in my journals, who did turn out to be a Hoover. The reality was colored by my unhealthy emotions. MC fixed that. Clarity.

 

BTW, OP, consider that 'loan' to be a 'gift'. My instinct is you will be glad you did. Good luck

[laptopacc]

Yeah, I recognize a bunch of similarities between OP's story and the lady in my journals, who did turn out to be a Hoover. The reality was colored by my unhealthy emotions. MC fixed that. Clarity.

 

BTW, OP, consider that 'loan' to be a 'gift'. My instinct is you will be glad you did. Good luck

 

Don't know if it will change anything, but just feel like explaining the loan real quick. She didn't ask me for money, then go have a great time shopping and a night with the girls and she'll pay me back later.

 

She got caught in a traffic-trap (where the cops will stop every car going through - illegal in some states really for entrapment, but not in that state). She had warrants she didn't know about - minor things like traffic violations, but never knew she even had to go to the court, so they turned to warrants.

 

She got put in a holding cell. She came to me, as she knows I have the money available - and felt comfortable asking me. There really wasn't anyone else she could turn to, and she called in full tears (the cops let her keep her purse, they seemed pretty understanding).

Don't take that the wrong way either. She is NOT a criminal by any standards, she just made her mistakes in the past (years ago) but never got them cleared.

 

$300 late she's out of the holding cell.

She was VERY thankful, she fully knows I hold my money close.

 

Again, not sure that this changes the idea that a gift is a gift.

 

Only thing yet again, did this act as a catalyst in the friendship, or the cause of the friendship.

Edited June 3, 2010 by laptopacc

[laptopacc]

She never called me after work like she said she would.

 

:|

[carhill]

Cynical view? - as my best friend would say, 'she's on to the next victim'. Two people approached him to borrow money today, well into five figures. Hoovers come in all forms and genders. Bye-bye

[laptopacc]

Cynical view? - as my best friend would say, 'she's on to the next victim'. Two people approached him to borrow money today, well into five figures. Hoovers come in all forms and genders. Bye-bye

 

Quick note - she called today and talked to me. She's not going to work today because can't afford gas

 

Told her I wasn't comfortable with flying her and she said "Don't worry about it, I'll see you in November." In November my dad is flying my sister and I down for Thanksgiving. After that though we just continued on and talked about other stuff for a bit (like the use of the word "blankies", lol), and she gave me a bit of dating advice.

[O'Malley]

Quick note - she called today and talked to me. She's not going to work today because can't afford gas

 

Words vs. actions -- has she implemented a plan to pay part of the loan back (even if it's only $10 every week) or does she tend to discuss only her problems? Keep this friendship strictly online -- do not loan her any more money and make it clear that you are unable to make time for her to visit you. Generous people (not fiscally, but emotionally) are wonderful friends to have, but unfortunately there are some individuals who will take advantage of their happiness in giving.

 

You've stated that you are frugal (and it's always a good fiscal habit to develop young) but it would benefit you to take your focus off of this woman and go enjoy the area where you live. Museums, festivals, restaurants, or just some hobbies that you weren't able to indulge in when you were busy with school.