Email from the exW to his kids I need input quick

[bittersweet memories]

you have mentioned that you want him to realize what he has lost. i think he already has realized it... his wife. she has moved on and he realized what he lost with her. he seems to be mourning the loss of her and you seem to be mourning the loss of him, but he is not mourning the loss of you. like others say, stop making him a priority while he is considering you as an option... if that

 

 

Good post!!

[torranceshipman]

Is it legal to access someone else's email account without permission, then publish said emails on a public forum? Given the specificities of your post - the age of the kids, the fact you work in bases in specific locations, that he tried to commit suicide, the broken ankle, etc, don't you think someone might work out who you are/he is? I have no idea about the legality thing - I'm no expert - but I'd be wary of getting yourself in trouble over something like this.

[Fieldsofgold]

Is it legal to access someone else's email account without permission, then publish said emails on a public forum? Given the specificities of your post - the age of the kids, the fact you work in bases in specific locations, that he tried to commit suicide, the broken ankle, etc, don't you think someone might work out who you are/he is? I have no idea about the legality thing - I'm no expert - but I'd be wary of getting yourself in trouble over something like this.

 

I was thinking the same thing!

[Fieldsofgold]

I don't think it is illegal. I am not understanding what is everyone's deal with the email thing. It's not like she gave the guy's first, middle, and last name, ss #, physical address and phone #, picture along with other personal information and then posted the email. She accessed an email account that HE GAVE HER THE PW to. So she posted it on a forum... so? Where exactly is the harm? How is anonymity broken? Do we know this guy beyond being some faceless jerk possibly in Texas? She came here for advice and is obviously in pain and people are ragging on her about disrespecting his privacy.

 

I am sure I am alone on this when I feel that people are making a way bigger issue out of the email thing than what is necessary. I have seen emails, text messages, IMs, etc posted on these forums before, and no one has blinked an eye. Why now?

 

I don't mean to be harsh about it, but this focus being on whether or not she was in her rights to access his email is distracting from helping her with her issues. The only true problem I see with it is by continuing to access his email she is not allowing herself to move on.

 

Anyway, after all the flack everyone has given her I seriously doubt she'll do it again.

 

You are right that THE BIG issue is that she lets him go and starts taking care of herself.

[fooled once]

I don't think it is illegal. I am not understanding what is everyone's deal with the email thing. It's not like she gave the guy's first, middle, and last name, ss #, physical address and phone #, picture along with other personal information and then posted the email. She accessed an email account that HE GAVE HER THE PW to. So she posted it on a forum... so? Where exactly is the harm? How is anonymity broken? Do we know this guy beyond being some faceless jerk possibly in Texas? She came here for advice and is obviously in pain and people are ragging on her about disrespecting his privacy.

 

I am sure I am alone on this when I feel that people are making a way bigger issue out of the email thing than what is necessary. I have seen emails, text messages, IMs, etc posted on these forums before, and no one has blinked an eye. Why now?

 

I don't mean to be harsh about it, but this focus being on whether or not she was in her rights to access his email is distracting from helping her with her issues. The only true problem I see with it is by continuing to access his email she is not allowing herself to move on.

 

Anyway, after all the flack everyone has given her I seriously doubt she'll do it again.

 

I don't think he gave her the PW so she could snoop on him -- especially since they are no longer together. He has left her, yet she is obsessed with him and unless he is giving her NOW the okay to go into his email, she IS being deceitful and not respecting boundaries. He hasn't expressed his permission for her to be in his email NOW. At one time, yes. But NOW they are not together. Legal or illegal - I am sure a lawyer could figure that out - but it is not good judgment for her to be snooping and reading things now.

 

I am sure no one here would like it if an ex were violating their privacy and then posting emails NOT ADDRESSED TO THEM on an internet forum. That is bottom line for me ... she is reading stuff not addressed to her. She may as well open personal mail sent to him. That is the difference. It was stupid of him to NOT change the password, but I guess he has been busy trying to get his ex wife back and get help.

[HurtinginTexas]

Whats is interesting to me is I come to this post to get help. To help me through the hurt and pain of a man who comes and goes and has used me for almost 4 years to understand why and how to handle it. I see posts left and right on revenge and threats and games and worse BS than I have ever thought of. Because I have been through the ringer with this liar, and I have gone into his email acct to see with my own eyes for the first time ever the TRUTH this is the flack I catch from some judgemental people who know nothing of my situation.

 

The man is not getting help. ITS A PLOY. I have seen him over the years ask for therapy and use it as a tool to get what he wants. He didnt want it the first time he left home and the wife asked him to do it. He lied and told the therapist what he wanted to hear. He didnt want it while we were together and yes i keep hearing HE USED ME NEVER LOVED ME I GET IT ok..Now its a ploy to get the exW back in. HE as you all have said is a LIAR.

 

The police came looking for him at work the other day I hear from a friend bc of his fake suicide threat and upon his return will be questioned on it.

 

You all waste your time condemning me as I look for the truth I have never received while all this other bad, malicious game playing heartbreaking crap goes on this site instaed of helping me get over him and through this. Wow. Now some are on this site are thinking he is so admirable bc he wants help??

 

Well thanks for most of your caring posts but for the rest that have no idea the 110% Ive given to be treated like garbage Im sorry YOU all disapproved of my methods to finally see the light.

 

Im reading email whilst others on here are doing far worse

[bittersweet memories]

Whats is interesting to me is I come to this post to get help. To help me through the hurt and pain of a man who comes and goes and has used me for almost 4 years to understand why and how to handle it. I see posts left and right on revenge and threats and games and worse BS than I have ever thought of. Because I have been through the ringer with this liar, and I have gone into his email acct to see with my own eyes for the first time ever the TRUTH this is the flack I catch from some judgemental people who know nothing of my situation.

 

The man is not getting help. ITS A PLOY. I have seen him over the years ask for therapy and use it as a tool to get what he wants. He didnt want it the first time he left home and the wife asked him to do it. He lied and told the therapist what he wanted to hear. He didnt want it while we were together and yes i keep hearing HE USED ME NEVER LOVED ME I GET IT ok..Now its a ploy to get the exW back in. HE as you all have said is a LIAR.

 

The police came looking for him at work the other day I hear from a friend bc of his fake suicide threat and upon his return will be questioned on it.

 

You all waste your time condemning me as I look for the truth I have never received while all this other bad, malicious game playing heartbreaking crap goes on this site instaed of helping me get over him and through this. Wow. Now some are on this site are thinking he is so admirable bc he wants help??

 

Well thanks for most of your caring posts but for the rest that have no idea the 110% Ive given to be treated like garbage Im sorry YOU all disapproved of my methods to finally see the light.

 

Im reading email whilst others on here are doing far worse

 

 

What are you talking about for the most part everyone has been very supportive with your situation.

 

Some of us don't agree with you accessing his email without his permission. It's just SOOO WRONG... Don't you see that!

[whichwayisup]

She accessed an email account that HE GAVE HER THE PW to. So she posted it on a forum... so? Where exactly is the harm? How is anonymity broken?

 

She posted the actual email. What if someone, either the exw or the daughter stumbles across LS and reads THEIR PERSONAL email exchange on here? That is an invasion of privacy. Reading it is one thing, repeating it in WORDS on a forum is another.

 

Also, he gave her the PW when they were together. There's NO need for her to have it now. Snooping in an ex's email account is just wrong and it IS harmful. TO HER. It keeps her hanging on, knowing stuff that is not her business and keeps her hooked in the drama, making it harder for her to begin the grieving and healing process.

Edited June 7, 2010 by whichwayisup

[califnan]

What are you talking about for the most part everyone has been very supportive with your situation.

 

Some of us don't agree with you accessing his email without his permission. It's just SOOO WRONG... Don't you see that!

 

--------------------

 

Many on here are Stuck on the email access situation .. and cannot get beyond it ..

[whichwayisup]

The man is not getting help. ITS A PLOY. I have seen him over the years ask for therapy and use it as a tool to get what he wants. He didnt want it the first time he left home and the wife asked him to do it. He lied and told the therapist what he wanted to hear. He didnt want it while we were together and yes i keep hearing HE USED ME NEVER LOVED ME I GET IT ok..Now its a ploy to get the exW back in. HE as you all have said is a LIAR.

Maybe it's a ploy, maybe it isn't. Either way, it's his choice and her choice if they work things out. Let go and turn it off, make yourself NOT care. Don't look in his email again, no matter how tempted you are. All that's going to do is make you hooked on what's going on in THEIR life. Which isn't your business anymore. And, it IS preventing you from healing.

 

Yes, you're hurt, yes you feel used.. Turn some of that anger towards yourself and stop putting all the blame on him. You chose to believe him, too. Chose to allow the rollercoaster ride to go on.

 

He's a manipulator and he's very good at lying. BE GLAD he's out of your life!

[Jilly Bean]

I come to this post to get help. To help me through the hurt and pain of a man who comes and goes and has used me for almost 4 years to understand why and how to handle it.

 

I think if you came here after the first time he walked out on you, you would have gotten a lot of support. But, after four years, it's all on you. You allowed it, enabled it, and by the sheer token of accepting it, you actually encouraged it.

 

He is an abuser, and you like to cry the wail of the chronic victim.

 

Truly - first time, shame on him. But, the remaining 3,594 times - ALL ON YOU.

 

Stop with the pity party, and realize you are in this situation because of your own actions. Stop stalking his emails (which is sick, and illegal), and stop with the woe is me routine. Go back to therapy, and rather than wasting time discussing "why did he leave me?", spend the time learning about what is so broken within you, that you would tolerate such crap for so many years.

 

THAT is the crux of this whole thing, Texas. It's not about what he did, or why he left, or what he's doing. That's all irrelevant, because he IS gone. And you are left to live your life. It's your choice if you're going to learn from this experience and hope to become a whole person capable of a healthy relationship, or if you'll ignore it and get involved with someone just like him.

[califnan]

HuntinginTexas,

 

In regard to your last post:

 

Being older and wiser and having seen a lot, I think your checking and repeating the emails was merely an act of a woman who had been used, was in anguish - and seeking answers.. Nothing you shared was that pertinant..

 

For what it is worth I think the same who would consider your checking / sharing emails.. well one or two of them have called me out for my bland "religious" comments from time to time on here.. Making them - against free speech, anyway ..

 

You have been doing a good job in sifting out the meat while ignoring the sidestepping ..

 

Also, the second paragraph of your last post, pretty much shows some reasons why this man is not worth anymore of your consideration.

 

take care ..

[califnan]

sorry edit last post to: HurtinginTexas ..

[torranceshipman]

Whats is interesting to me is I come to this post to get help. To help me through the hurt and pain of a man who comes and goes and has used me for almost 4 years to understand why and how to handle it. I see posts left and right on revenge and threats and games and worse BS than I have ever thought of. Because I have been through the ringer with this liar, and I have gone into his email acct to see with my own eyes for the first time ever the TRUTH this is the flack I catch from some judgemental people who know nothing of my situation.

 

The man is not getting help. ITS A PLOY. I have seen him over the years ask for therapy and use it as a tool to get what he wants. He didnt want it the first time he left home and the wife asked him to do it. He lied and told the therapist what he wanted to hear. He didnt want it while we were together and yes i keep hearing HE USED ME NEVER LOVED ME I GET IT ok..Now its a ploy to get the exW back in. HE as you all have said is a LIAR.

 

The police came looking for him at work the other day I hear from a friend bc of his fake suicide threat and upon his return will be questioned on it.

 

You all waste your time condemning me as I look for the truth I have never received while all this other bad, malicious game playing heartbreaking crap goes on this site instaed of helping me get over him and through this. Wow. Now some are on this site are thinking he is so admirable bc he wants help??

 

Well thanks for most of your caring posts but for the rest that have no idea the 110% Ive given to be treated like garbage Im sorry YOU all disapproved of my methods to finally see the light.

 

Im reading email whilst others on here are doing far worse

 

Woah, well I was trying to say something helpful but you are so defensive right now that anything that most of us say will probably be interpreted by you as attacking you when we're not. There's some good tough love kind of comments on here- you need that and it is the thing that caring people do when they know the truth hurts but that you need to hear it (any good friend would do the same for you). Saying oh poor you, why not talk to him - or whatever - is going to keep you stuck in this God awful, miserable position and most posters want to see you out of it pronto hence their replies. And there is a consensus in the type of response you are getting for a reason!

 

And the email thing is a bug symptom of the unhealthy mess you're in so THAT is why people concentrate on it. Plus - the reason I referred to it - do you want to risk the law or the local community or his BS or anyone else finding out who you are? There surely can't be THAT many OW boards in the world so you might find that for those involved in the fall out of an A, it is not completely outside the bounds of reason for someone to come here and recognize your story.

[Fieldsofgold]

. . . Go back to therapy, and rather than wasting time discussing "why did he leave me?", spend the time learning about what is so broken within you, that you would tolerate such crap for so many years.

 

THAT is the crux of this whole thing, Texas. It's not about what he did, or why he left, or what he's doing. That's all irrelevant, because he IS gone. And you are left to live your life. It's your choice if you're going to learn from this experience and hope to become a whole person capable of a healthy relationship, or if you'll ignore it and get involved with someone just like him.

 

This is what I've been trying to say. Especially the bolded part. Well, really, the whole thing!

[HurtinginTexas]

I guess it is all my fault. Youre right that I am damaged goods. Something is really wrong with me that I kept it going for so long. Im still in NC. I wish on one level he would contact me so that I could feel maybe he does miss me, and I could prove to myself that Im strong and not take the call. It deeply saddens me he hasnt even tried. I got so used to him coming back each time. Maybe its different. Its hard to let go. I was into the relationship and wanting it to succeed. Guess he didnt.

 

I really dont want him back anymore after all Ive seen and been through. I feel that, believe it or not, Ive been the most relaxed Ive been without him than I have been with him and at peace. It hurts that I ve wasted almost 4 years. I still do wonder if he even thinks about me or if hes obsessed with getting back to her. I just cant get over why I wasnt told. Not even a cowardly email or text goodbye. Why he called that morning, and oh here I go again with the whys??

 

I cannot win. I enabled it. I let him walk on me. And use me. I kept hoping that hes love me as much. I just shot the OW fantasy I guess by living with him full time. He knew he had to make good on promises and it wasnt all fun and games anymore.

 

It feels bad being dropped , and in NC, but theres nothing for me to do.

[BB07]

I guess it is all my fault. Youre right that I am damaged goods. Something is really wrong with me that I kept it going for so long. Im still in NC. I wish on one level he would contact me so that I could feel maybe he does miss me, and I could prove to myself that Im strong and not take the call. It deeply saddens me he hasnt even tried. I got so used to him coming back each time. Maybe its different. Its hard to let go. I was into the relationship and wanting it to succeed. Guess he didnt.

 

I really dont want him back anymore after all Ive seen and been through. I feel that, believe it or not, Ive been the most relaxed Ive been without him than I have been with him and at peace. It hurts that I ve wasted almost 4 years. I still do wonder if he even thinks about me or if hes obsessed with getting back to her. I just cant get over why I wasnt told. Not even a cowardly email or text goodbye. Why he called that morning, and oh here I go again with the whys??

 

I cannot win. I enabled it. I let him walk on me. And use me. I kept hoping that hes love me as much. I just shot the OW fantasy I guess by living with him full time. He knew he had to make good on promises and it wasnt all fun and games anymore.

 

It feels bad being dropped , and in NC, but theres nothing for me to do.

 

You are getting stronger HIT........and hugs to you. You are starting to see that no good piece of ****e for what he really is. He is a total ass and you deserve better. Now, stop beating yourself up about the wasted time and get living the best life you can live, that will be the sweetest revenge.

 

[HurtinginTexas]

I read this in another post..

 

"Huge, collassal mistake. Don't do it. You are 100% correct about it being totally inappropriate, for starters. But it's usually the kiss of death when a newly divorced man DOESN'T take the time to readjust to life after divorce, spend the proper time mourning the end of his marriage, and get RIGHT with himself emotionally, once more. He's pushing for an immediate living together/marriage situation because he doesn't want to go through the necessary steps that one must go through after a divorce. Don't allow it - or you'll be sorry."

 

I thought i was doing the right thing being with him by his side all the way.

 

I guess I runied it all

[califnan]

I read this in another post..

 

"Huge, collassal mistake. Don't do it. You are 100% correct about it being totally inappropriate, for starters. But it's usually the kiss of death when a newly divorced man DOESN'T take the time to readjust to life after divorce, spend the proper time mourning the end of his marriage, and get RIGHT with himself emotionally, once more. He's pushing for an immediate living together/marriage situation because he doesn't want to go through the necessary steps that one must go through after a divorce. Don't allow it - or you'll be sorry."

 

I thought i was doing the right thing being with him by his side all the way.

 

I guess I runied it all

 

---------------------

 

I have known of women who jump from divorce into marriage right away.. Also widowers who remarry right away.

 

We have no idea what goes on in their minds in the adjustment period - or in trying to make do.

[jj33]

Hurting you still arent listening.

 

You didnt ruin anything. People are saying you are to blame in part (and only in part) for YOUR PAIN because you let him back again and again.

 

You did NOT ruin your relationship. The man is abusive. NOONE can have a good relationship with him. So unless you are supposed to be superhuman and have magical powers to heal the sick and make the self absorbed empathetic you did not RUIN anything.

 

The only person you hurt was yourself, for allowing this man 3rd 4th 5th and 10th chances to hurt you again and again.

 

So stop beating yourself up. His behavior is NO reflection on how lovable you are.

 

It is ONLY a reflection on himi.

[HurtinginTexas]

But it feels that way. Im in pain. And dont even get why he hasnt attempted one contact. I would feel better inside if he at least tried as sick as that sounds. I havent bothered with him though and wont. I need at least a minute amount of self respect that I have lost over the years

[whichwayisup]

And dont even get why he hasnt attempted one contact.

 

Because the A is over and he is doing NC for himself, and for his wife/marriage. This isn't about you, it's about him. He is putting himself first and if it's easier on him not to contact you, then that's what he's doing.

 

Don't let the ego part of this, wanting him to call so you can reject and ignore him, take over.

 

Focus on grieving, really accepting it's over, he's not in your life anymore, so you can start to heal. Get rid of thoughts ,fantasizies, wishes, hopes. Demonize him if necessary.

 

You WILL be okay, and when that day comes when you realize "hey, I feel nothing for him and I feel happy" you smile and be proud of yourself.

[BB07]

I read this in another post..

 

I thought i was doing the right thing being with him by his side all the way.

 

I guess I runied it all

 

HiT......you did what you thought was best, that is all anyone can do. Now as for the "I guess I ruined it all" part.......STOP IT! You didn't ruin anything, he is an ass and you need to stop thinking that he was anything but.

 

But it feels that way. Im in pain. And dont even get why he hasnt attempted one contact. I would feel better inside if he at least tried as sick as that sounds. I havent bothered with him though and wont. I need at least a minute amount of self respect that I have lost over the years

 

Another thing, him contacting you wouldn't give you self respect, you are the only one who has the key to that. Give yourself self respect by not contacting him and standing up for yourself and saying NO MORE and don't respond if he contacts you. STOP BEATING Yourself up, yes you made a bad choice by getting involved, but hey it happens to almost all of us. Now pick your self up off the floor and get yourself in a better place.

[HurtinginTexas]

I remember posting here years ago. Under TexasSadGirl when he left the first time.

 

It was predicted then that hed do it to me years later.

 

I just thought it would be different when he was divorced.

 

I am really hurting today.

[Silly_Girl]

That's really sad, HiT. It's so hard to face it when others have warned and we think we're so close to the end of the rainbow. When in fact we're further than ever. Really hope you start to feel better soon.

 

Hugs to you.