Affair with cop. Any one else in my shoes??????

[mid life affair]

I am new here. I have been married for 20 yrs. to a wonderful man. I love my husband dearly and he truly adores me. We have always placed fidelity as a top priority in our marraige.

 

5 months ago, I started an affair with a police officer who works where I work. We have known each other for a year. He never seemed the type to cheat on his wife, always talking highly of her, telling her he loves her when she calls, etc.

Then one night, the two of us were alone for 6 hrs. We talked about a lot of things and he told me that he has been attracted to me since day one. I was flattered but kept going back to previous topics. The conversation kept going back to his feelings for me, and I asked him if he was trying to tell me that he would have an affair with me? He said yes he was, and he kissed me. It was great. We did not have sex that night, did about 6 wks later when another opportunity came up. We do a lot of talking and touching at work, have been together numerous times now.

From the start we both agreed to keep it physical and not get emotional. I thought I could do that, but now I don't know that it is possible. I think about him all the time, can't wait for our next encounter. I sometimes wonder about him too. When we are at work, I will catch him looking at me, and I think I see something in his eyes. It is like his eyes get all glassy and his cheeks are flushed, it makes we feel good knowing that he wants me. There is another officer at work that has picked up on it and he asked me about it. He says that he has known for a long time about the attraction the other one had for me, and now he thinks that we have fallen in love, he doesn't want either one of us to get hurt.

 

I know this is wrong and that I should end it, but I don't want to.

 

It would kill my husband if he found out.

 

Any one else in my shoes???????????????

[Skittles]

From the start we both agreed to keep it physical and not get emotional. I thought I could do that, but now I don't know that it is possible.

 

Not in your shoes yet mid-life, but I know one gal who is and one who left her marriage, he left his and have remarried to blend a family with 5 kids!

 

What I have learned from them and from many posters here is that is nearly impossible to keep this genie in the bottle...It most certainly is going to get emotional, fast and furious, in fact you two sound like you are both on you way to rollercoaster land.

 

Can you transfer to another division?....do you even want to?

 

Dear mid-life, so much is at stake..I know he takes your breath away, but in the end he will be taking that and a lot more too. I am a big romantic puppy myself but the rush you are feeling now...is it worth losing your family to get that "soulmate feeling" once again?

 

You may want to calculate what this is going to cost you.

 

 

I wish you well.

[bryanp]

Hello,

 

How would you feel if your husband was doing to you what you are doing to him?

I guess you could not imagine this because he loves and respects you too much to cheat on you and put your health at risk. So you have a great husband who loves and adores you and this is the way you treat his love for you? If you had true respect for your husband you would tell him the truth and be honest with him so he could decide whether to work on recovery or end the marriage so could find someone who can love and respect him and who believes in the concept of fidelity. Unfortunately this clearly is not you. Again how would you feel if he was sleeping with another woman behind your back? You define who you are and your character by your actions. When you celebrate your anniversary with your husband and he tells you how proud he is that you are his wife I am sure you will feel very special.

[jmargel]

Originally posted by mid life affair

I am new here. I have been married for 20 yrs. to a wonderful man. I love my husband dearly and he truly adores me. We have always placed fidelity as a top priority in our marraige.

 

5 months ago, I started an affair with a police officer who works where I work. We have known each other for a year. He never seemed the type to cheat on his wife, always talking highly of her, telling her he loves her when she calls, etc.

Then one night, the two of us were alone for 6 hrs. We talked about a lot of things and he told me that he has been attracted to me since day one. I was flattered but kept going back to previous topics. The conversation kept going back to his feelings for me, and I asked him if he was trying to tell me that he would have an affair with me? He said yes he was, and he kissed me. It was great. We did not have sex that night, did about 6 wks later when another opportunity came up. We do a lot of talking and touching at work, have been together numerous times now.

From the start we both agreed to keep it physical and not get emotional. I thought I could do that, but now I don't know that it is possible. I think about him all the time, can't wait for our next encounter. I sometimes wonder about him too. When we are at work, I will catch him looking at me, and I think I see something in his eyes. It is like his eyes get all glassy and his cheeks are flushed, it makes we feel good knowing that he wants me. There is another officer at work that has picked up on it and he asked me about it. He says that he has known for a long time about the attraction the other one had for me, and now he thinks that we have fallen in love, he doesn't want either one of us to get hurt.

 

I know this is wrong and that I should end it, but I don't want to.

 

It would kill my husband if he found out.

 

Any one else in my shoes???????????????

 

Do your husband a favor and divorce him. Its clear that YOU dont deserve to be with a guy that good. If you think you are going to get sympathy from us, goto another board. Grass isn't greener on the other side. What you did was break a bond so tight that it will never get repaired again. It's women like you who give the rest a bad name.

[ArdeaCandidissima]

From the start we both agreed to keep it physical and not get emotional.

 

Ummm...sounds like it started out emotional. You're not being discreet, since already one other person knows. Please have your last big go at it, then quit your job or transfer.

 

Try <URL removed> to get back that fun and excitement with your husband.

 

Good luck!

[jmargel]

Umm.. ArdeaCandidissima, aren't you the one considering cheating on your husband from the other post?

 

Try taking some of your own advice..

[DarlingNicky]

The woman is only human folks.CHILL OUT! You all must NEVER make mistakes right?

[FreeMe]

Here's what I think: End the affair. Don't tell your husband. Make a resolution to redevote yourself to your husband. Read these boards about married people trying to survive cheating. If you left your husband, chances are slim to none that this guy would leave his wife. You'd probably end up back with your husband except your relationship would be severely damaged and he would resent you, distrust you, and be miserable and so would you.

[brashgal]

Here's my story. My husband cheated on me with a married woman. Her husband divorced her. I aked him to choose between us - he chose her - moved out. They have been together ever since, but living in separate homes, supposedly because of her children or so I was lead to believe. Recently he has privately told some people that he is not ready to commit to her, he thinks she is a transitional person. It's been 8 months since he moved out.

 

Two marriages destroyed, 5 kids between the two families. I won't go into the behavioral problems with two of the boys (one from each family) that we aren't sure are a result of the split or not. They (ex and OW) have lost a number of friends as a result of their behavior. They thought they were being discreet but turned out quite a number of people could tell just by the way they treated each other when they were around each other. Most of those people won't have anything to do with them any more.

 

Luckily we all have jobs so haven't suffered too much financially - that's another factor that comes into play. What will your trainwreck look like if you continue and everyone finds out? All of this suffering for a little excitement - I think you need to ask yourself if it's worth it and can you deal with the fallout?

[leadoff]

I've been living with my gf for 2.5 years and this is now starting to happen to me. I 've met a cool & sexy chick but my girlfriend is quite cool too. Time to either break-up or get married. I know what your feeling as I care for my girlfriend as well! Your's is tougher than mine but hang in. I would talk to the cop and see where his thoughts are. See if he would be willing to leave his wife or if he sees this just as short term. If he's not willing to I think you should break it off.

 

good luck!

 

P

[OnlyMe]

Yes, the same is happening to me. He is a married cop and I am newly divorced. We met on the internet and have been together for over a year now We have had many conversations about the acceptance of other cheating cops within his office. In my opinion it has to do with the adreneline rush that seems to be part of thier job and the release of the unusual stress that they encounter. I am not justifying the behavior but I am beginning to understand it. I don't believe that my "friend" has any intentions of leaving a 24 year marriage. I too, started the relationship with the intention of keeping it strictly physical but have learned the hard way that it just doesn't happen that way. It is too late for me, but if you feel you can walk away from it, do it now and suffer the consequences before you dig yourself deeper.

[Thinkalot]

End the affair. Think of the consequences and the risks. Think of your husband who loves you. If you no longer love him, leave him. You know you aren't doing the right thing, so change your behaviour, and choose one or the other.

[Arabess]

Affairs are wierd deals. They are like presents wrapped up in really interesting and lovely paper....but once the lid comes off the box....there is nothing there but your broken heart.

 

Anyone can come up with reasons why it fills the gap.......because it APPEARS that way......but in the end...the only thing left is YOU with compromised morality. He'll be okay.....his wife will forgive him....cause it was all YOUR fault. Your husband though.....may feel differently. End result: This guy will move on...and you'll be alone and hurting...wondering why he isn't there for you.

 

I don't say this in judgement or blindly......I say it becuase I KNOW it to be true!

 

Men see affairs differently than women.....because their make-up is different. All the liberal thinking in the world won't change it. TO YOU....it's a relationship. TO THEM.....it's a piece of A$$. Maybe there is a relationship and maybe there are sweet words....but in the end.... ALL you will be to him is a sex person.

 

For now....you are okay with his terms beause YOU TOO are married with a family. But you will fall in love.....and he won't. It's just the way women are.......

 

Please guard your heart.....and know what is before you! I'm sorry......cause I know this is a tough time!

 

Arabess

[Fancy]

Originally posted by Arabess

Affairs are wierd deals. They are like presents wrapped up in really interesting and lovely paper....but once the lid comes off the box....there is nothing there but your broken heart.

 

That's truly profound, Arabess. You have a lovely way with words.

[befuddled11]

to the originator of this post (mid life), you wrote:

 

"I have been married for 20 yrs. to a wonderful man. I love my husband dearly and he truly adores me. We have always placed fidelity as a top priority in our marraige."

 

Love him dearly? Nope. By your actions, you obviously don't. Though I don't doubt he adores you, though he doesn't know you're boinking a coworker behind his back. His level of adoration might lessen considerably if he knew the truth.

 

Always placed fidelity as a top priority in your marriage? I guess the key there is the past-tense used of the word "placed"..as in, you USED TO place it as a top priority.

 

I think you need to do major soul-searching here about the delusions you have about marriage, fidelity and your loyalty to your husband of 20 years. You need to figure out why you've been so weak and unfaithful and would risk not only your job, but your marriage, for a few minutes of screwing around here and there.

 

You end your post by saying you know it's "wrong" to have this affair, and that you know you should end it, but you "don't want to." That's the epitome of selfishness right there. This isn't all about you. Marriage is about a partnership between 2 people. You're only thinking about your selfish needs and what you want. What about your husband's need (and right) to have a faithful wife that he can trust? What about your husband's need/right to not have to end up devastated to find out (because he will, the cheated-on spouse ALWAYS finds out) that his wife of 20 yrs cheated on him, and obviously had no conscience, boundaries, respect for herself, respect for her job, respect for her marriage?

 

Get out of the selfish mode and get into the get-your-head-out-of-the-fantasyworld mode. Go see a counsellor or a therapist.

[hanginginthere]

I'm not in your shoes, but am in the shoes of the cop's wife. I recently found out that my husband of 13 years had an affair with his female partner seven years ago when our children were small. I confronted the woman, and she described their affair much the same way as you've described yours. She's extremely regretful about the affair, as is my husband. They spent long hours together working nights and an attraction developed. They say they kept it physical, but I'll never really know if that's true.

 

They ruined not only their own self respect, but their spouse's lives. You have to make this stop. Pick up a book on affairs and read it - you'll quickly find that the flushed feeling you're getting is just the simple fact that someone finds you interesting and attractive. It wears off. If you love your husband, stop this now and don't look back.

 

It's easy to fall into a romantic situation without the normal stresses of daily life and marriage - all of that gets suspended when you're spending time with someone at work. Picture yourself in the same situation with your spouse - I'm sure he would make you feel the same way if you had the time to spend with him that you are spending with this other person.

 

One more thing - don't tell your husband. I wish I did not know.

 

Good luck to you all.

[Joyce]

I have been in your shoes. I know exactly how you feel. You need to ask yourself a lot of questions. Do you really love this man or do you just love the way he treats you? Your relationship is lacking something and he has what it's lacking. I am married to a cop and I know that cops lives are very stressful. He is looking in the wrong direction for what his life is lacking too. You owe it to yourself and your H to figure out what you want out of life. I wish I would had long before I let my affair get as far as it did or even before my affair. My Om dumped me flat on my a** for another women and it's sad that it took that much for me to realize what I was really doing. I was so caught up in believing he was my true love and my soul mate.. I loved the way he made me feel... he was my best friend but in reality if he really was in love with me and if I was really in love with him then we would have both been adults respected our families, loved ones and respected ourselves and we would have stopped coming up with excuses on why I couldn't leave my H and why we felt the need to lie and sneak around.

 

 

 

 

You need to stop telling lies to yourself and everyone around you. You need to face what you have done. If you really love this OM and want to be with him then do it... Don't stay married. You need to realize that you are not the person your H thinks you are and you can't pretend forever. You should feel very guilty for what your doing and if you don't then you are not a decent human being at all. The best thing I ever did was tell my H. I could not have lived with myself if I had not told him. The longer you let this go on the more you will hurt people. Stop being selfish and think about what you are doing. You have made a lot of mistakes and I know how you feel but you can't learn from this until you admit to yourself that it's wrong.

[supermom]

He is using you..end of story

 

You will lose your marriage for no reason, and if you don't lose your marriage you will lose your husband's admiration and respect for you - no matter what.

 

You need to get on the right track. Either divorce your husband or go into counceling....s*** or get off the pot.

 

Good luck but seriously he is using you. If he wasn't he would of left his wife by now.

 

 

He never seemed the type to cheat on his wife, always talking highly of her, telling her he loves her when she calls, etc.

 

there you go right there.

 

 

Then one night, the two of us were alone for 6 hrs. We talked about a lot of things and he told me that he has been attracted to me since day one. I was flattered but kept going back to previous topics. The conversation kept going back to his feelings for me, and I asked him if he was trying to tell me that he would have an affair with me? He said yes he was, and he kissed me. It was great.

 

I think he was horny and thats really all at the time. You know, men give women lines that they believe, that sound believable, but in reality if a man is willing to cheat on his wife, and successfully does, they IMHO are con-artists in a sence.

 

Make it right okay?

[Svetybug]

I was just scanning through all the posts. I just wanted to say that I am a cop. Our world is very different from the norm. Since there is always the underlying current that our job is dangerous and we may not make it home everyday, there is a certain closeness with have with each other. The stress is sometimes unbelievable. That is why probably 80% of the police officers have an affair. Some feel (immaturely) that it is due them, others just don't think clearly, and some just make mistakes. I feel that you should never betray the one you are with. Be open and accept the consequences. It hurts to be deceived, no matter who you are or what you do.

[Jeannie]

I used to be married to a cop - don't think you're special. Cops cheat because they can - they all do it (married or single). Once the thrill of you fades he'll be on to the next chick he can conquer.

 

Sounds like you have a wonderful husband at home - why on earth would you do this to him?

 

Svetybug - lame excuse. Cops cheat because they can and they want to. You are no different from all of us - everyone's lives are stressful. The people on here are the same people you deal with on your calls. We're the single moms of domestic violence, victims of crimes, etc.

 

My ex was a narcotics detective - most of the time his STRESSFUL job consisted on sitting in his parked truck watching drug dealers come and go while playing Tetris and drinking cokes or talking to me for hours on his company cell phone.

 

I'd like to have seen him do my job for one day - handle six bosses, meet deadlines, answer ringing phones and juggle fifteen different tasks at once while putting together 600 page reports that need to be copied and binded before the Fed Ex guy picks up - throw in the color copy machine crashing right in the middle of the project and a pissed off boss wanting to know why you didn't process his expense report so he could have his reimbursement money today so he could take his girlfriend to lunch. Throw in getting a call from your child's school that he's sitting in the nurse's office with a high fever and vomitting and you need to come pick him up NOW. And if you're a single parent (with no family to rely on) - you must drop everything, risk being fired and go pick up your child because what's more important - your child or your paycheck?

 

Unlike a cop, I don't get free meals at restaurants, I don't have Government benefits and early retirement options and when I get a traffic ticket I have to accept it and pay it - I can't waive a badge and say "I'm a fellow cop".

 

A cops job is so stressful and dangerous? Well you're the one who picked the profession! Try working as a convenience store clerk for a week or a highrise window washer or a freeway construction worker..... You're no different than the rest of the world.

 

NONE of us might not ever make it home each day. Here in Houston - the entire city risks their lives driving on the freeways to and from work! Every day someone dies in a freak accident so you are no different when it comes to putting yourself in dangerous situations. We ALL do, every day and just as you - a cop - might not make it home at the end of the day - the single mom or dad might not either.

 

Cheating is cheating - either you value marriage and your relationship and have respect for your partner/spouse or you don't. Trying to come up with lame excuses to justify cheating behavior is just being a chicken****.

[Svetybug]

Sorry you are so bitter. I didn't say we were special, just different. Like I said, betrayal is hurtful to everyone.

[Joyce]

I have to say I admire cops and everything they go through to keep us all safe. They put their lives and family second for others well being. They don't make nearly the amount of money they should for what they do. Everyone's lives are stressful but they deserve our respect... after all who do you call when your child gets kidnaped or raped?? The cops. Have some respect Jeannie stop drowning in your self pity for being treating wrong.

[Svetybug]

Thanks Joyce

 

<Sounds like you have a wonderful husband at home - why on earth would you do this to him?> by the way, in case there was any misunderstanding, I don't cheat.

[Joyce]

I don't know why I cheated. I used to blame his job but now I just blame myself. My H is a good man. He did not deserve any of it. I love him and I will try to make this up to him until the day I die.

[Svetybug]

sorry Joyce, I wasn't directing that at you. Jeannie said that about me and I was just clarifying. You sound like a very sweet and caring person who can probably stop beating herself up by now. You're worth more.