thefunkisalive Posted January 28, 2004 Share Posted January 28, 2004 HI Everyone, Ok, this is Something that has been troubling me for some time. I can out of a 4 year relationship last January, one that was very bad. I was paying all the bills as she ran free to do anyone or thing she wanted, literally she got pregnant when I wasnt in town to have done it then asked me for abortion money!! I left within that same hour! Later on that year, december, I ran into an old friend. A female in which I always took a liking to. We started hanging out alot and then a month later we started dating each other. We were totally in love so 9 months into dating we move in with each other, September. She is 21 and Im 28, so I respectfully went and talked to her dad and mom with her for their blessing, it was her first time moving out of Mom and Dads. We went through our adjustment period and everything seemed to roll pretty well. Bills were divided according to individual income, so we would each have money for other things. It is all pretty much fair, and she is more than willing to put in extra if needed. Here is the problem, when she wants to go out with her friends without me I freak out. I expect her to be back within a reasonable hour and want to know who she is with. If things dont go according we end up fighting, because I sit home and steam in the situation, afraid that I am going to end up in the same type of relationship as the last, so as soon as she comes through the door I gun her down with questions and (basically) bitching. It has gotten to the point that our loving relationship it going to fall apart if I dont stop and change my ways" she says. But I am afraid to give on this do to the last relationship and dont want to be walked on! Am I jealous and controling, or not? Should I back off or stand my ground and protect myself? Link to post Share on other sites
Venéa Posted January 28, 2004 Share Posted January 28, 2004 Don't overreact so much! She sounds like a decent, fair person - unlike your ex - and you MUST trust her if you want the relationship to survive. Suffocating her with ultimations and questions is going to drive her away from you if you're not careful. Especially since she's never moved away from her parents before - she is young and you are treating her like a child. She may not understand why you are so jealous of her going out - I believe it is down to the way your ex girlfriend treated you. Talk to her, explain WHY you're feeling the way you do. If she understands this, then she will reassure you that you have nothing to worry about. Question: You say you split up with your girlfriend last January. I assume you mean 2002? Link to post Share on other sites
Author thefunkisalive Posted January 28, 2004 Author Share Posted January 28, 2004 I borke up with my ex in 01/03 and got with my current girlfreind in 12/03. Thank you for your insight! I have been playing tug at war with this for some time now. Link to post Share on other sites
Venéa Posted January 28, 2004 Share Posted January 28, 2004 No worries, just try and explain to her why you are acting the way you are - she'll reassure you that you have nothing to worry about and hopefully you won't be as stressed out when she's not around. So, you've been with this girl for a month or am I guessing you got with her before you split up with your girlfriend? Am lost, the time scale doesn't add up... Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 28, 2004 Share Posted January 28, 2004 I think it depends where she's going and how late she's coming in. It's one thing to go to her friends' houses to hang out and quite another to be going out to bars and coming home at all hours. Where does she go and how late are we talking? Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted January 28, 2004 Share Posted January 28, 2004 It's hard to say whether you are being "controlling" or if your partner lacks the simple courtesies that you have come to expect. My own partner and I have made it a habit to let each other know where we're going to be and what time to expect us home. If one of us is running late, all it takes is a simple phone call to relieve the other's worry. In the beginning of our relationship, I didn't do this frequently enough since I was so use to being on the go and not having anyone at home to 'check in' with. This caused some minor little problems that were easy enough to fix once I became more conscious of my partner's concern and made it a habit in my daily routine. I never considered him "controlling" and it was such a little adjustment in courtesy that headed off any arguments or misunderstandings long before they could escalate. And since my partner has always returned the favor without ever having to be asked, I find the mutual respect between us to be a big PLUS in our relationship. Perhaps since this is the first time your girlfriend has been away from home, she is enjoying her new freedom without having to report to the adult in charge. You don't want to become her surrogate parent, but then again, she has to grow up enough to realize that being in a relationship...and sharing your home...means she does have to be accountable to you somewhat. It would be different if the two of you were just 'roommates.' Maybe you could just sit her down and talk to her, calmly...like my partner did with me. If you present your side of the issue as a matter of 'courtesy' and 'mutual respect' rather than "control," then perhaps she'll be mature enough to understand. It sure beats confronting her like she's a teenager when she finally comes through that door! PS...I heard somewhere that "we only fear those things which have happened to us before." Wish I could remember the source! Link to post Share on other sites
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