Can you REALLY love your spouse, without a sexual relationship?

[schro31185]

The thread about enjoying sex in a loveless marriage inspired me to post something I have pondered a few times, due to my current situation.

 

If you are in a relationship where your significant other has little or no sex drive, and it is obviously disturbing to you (both of you know about it, and have discussed it) but nothing has changed. Do you really think the love is there like it was before the problem started?

 

I have a tendency to believe that if my wife is not interested in sex with me, and has not been for a very long time, even with no one else in the picture, and she knows how deeply it bothers me. It is because she does not feel the same about me as she used to (when this was not an issue). I simply do not understand how it would be possible to me in love with someone, and at the same time resent them for wanting a physically intimate relationship to go along with the emotional bond.

 

What's your take?

[janie423]

I think that the character of the marital relationship changes over the years. Not in all cases, but in many.

 

I find it difficult to sustain interest in my husband after all these years. I even separated for a while and dated a bit, because I found marriage itself to be the problem, not my husband. I never connected physically with any of the few men I dated. I am still in love with my husband. We reunited.

 

A professor told me a long time ago "marriage is the death of love". I think he meant the death of physical love, in varying degrees. I think that depends on the individual.

[LucreziaBorgia]

If a woman is not so much as willing to even consider compromise when it comes to something as crucial as sexual needs in a marriage, then I find it hard to believe that she loves him fully.

 

Even if the sex drive is completely gone, a woman who loves her husband fully will still be willing to do things for him that are sexually pleasing much in the same way that a husband is willing to do things for his wife that he may not have a particular drive to do.

 

It isn't about libido so much as its about compromise.

 

Get some lube, learn how to give killer hand jobs, give an enthusiastic blow job or at the very least don't just lay there and wait for him to 'get off'. Is giving up ten to thirty minutes of a night a couple of times a week to do something special for your husband like that really that much of a pain in the ass?

 

I really dislike this whole "well, I don't feel like having sex so we are never going to have sex" attitude. I'm not suggesting that women lay themselves down for non-consensual or painful sex - just to try to put some feeling into a sexual act for the sake of their husband's needs.

 

You'd think that with some women, the only needs that matter are their own.

 

Now, I know what this will spark: the whole angry "what if the husband is not deserving of sex, doesn't help around the house, is lazy, mean, etc." -

 

I'm not talking about dysfunctional or abusive situations - I'm talking about situations like some of the long suffering 'good husbands' here on the board, the ones who won't cheat, who treat their wives well, who participate actively in the marriage but who are stuck with sexually lazy wives who apparently think that since sex doesn't matter to THEM, it doesn't matter at all.

[schro31185]

LucreziaBorgia, if I give you my wife's number will you call her and explain this to her? I don't think it would go over well if I suggested these things in the same tone.

[carhill]

For myself, it would have to go from this to this for me to tolerate a sexless marriage openly and willingly. As simple as that. Anything else, absent a life-changing event like that happening to Chris and Dana in my example, would cause my love to wane and my feet to exit.

[tnttim]

I think men stop treating their wife like a date. They think once you get married a woman is obligated to have sex, once they don't it becomes a problem. When the problem continues unresolved, the wife gets completely turned off by the idea of sex in general.

 

Or he continually intiates sex, and she turns him down, again if he doesn't change his approach, then the wife gets completely turned off, and a habit for turning him down. If he always associates an activity with an opening for sex, like cuddling, or a massage. After frequent turn downs, she will then stop wanting affection at all. He will say it's her fault and a sexless marriage will ensue.

 

I can't say for sure, but I think any sexless marriage can be changed with a little tweaking done by the husband.

[ADF]

There is this huge lie in our culture that says sex shouldn't be that important, that people's sexual desires are trivial, that "love" should be enough. It's rubbish. We human being are risen apes, not fallen angels. Most us need a sex life to be emotionally and pyschologically healthy.

 

Can two people in a sexless relationship still love each other? Sure they can. But depriving a partner of a sex life is cruel and inhumane. And sexual rejection hurts. It makes us feel unwanted, unloved. If your wife cannot or will not provide you with a sex life, then she should at least have the decency to let you get your sexual needs filled elsewhere. It is the only way your marriage has a chance of survival.

[Samantha0905]

The thread about enjoying sex in a loveless marriage inspired me to post something I have pondered a few times, due to my current situation.

 

If you are in a relationship where your significant other has little or no sex drive, and it is obviously disturbing to you (both of you know about it, and have discussed it) but nothing has changed. Do you really think the love is there like it was before the problem started?

 

I have a tendency to believe that if my wife is not interested in sex with me, and has not been for a very long time, even with no one else in the picture, and she knows how deeply it bothers me. It is because she does not feel the same about me as she used to (when this was not an issue). I simply do not understand how it would be possible to me in love with someone, and at the same time resent them for wanting a physically intimate relationship to go along with the emotional bond.

 

What's your take?

 

I love my husband of 27 years very much, but don't have much physical attraction at all. I would love to. It just isn't there. I don't know why. We haven't had much communication and intimacy (knowing one another deeply) in our relationship. Do y'all have that?

 

I think that the character of the marital relationship changes over the years. Not in all cases, but in many.

 

I find it difficult to sustain interest in my husband after all these years. I even separated for a while and dated a bit, because I found marriage itself to be the problem, not my husband. I never connected physically with any of the few men I dated. I am still in love with my husband. We reunited.

 

A professor told me a long time ago "marriage is the death of love". I think he meant the death of physical love, in varying degrees. I think that depends on the individual.

 

I agree -- a relationship changes over the years -- sometimes people grow closer. Sometimes more distant.

 

Your professor is depressing.

 

If a woman is not so much as willing to even consider compromise when it comes to something as crucial as sexual needs in a marriage, then I find it hard to believe that she loves him fully.

 

Even if the sex drive is completely gone, a woman who loves her husband fully will still be willing to do things for him that are sexually pleasing much in the same way that a husband is willing to do things for his wife that he may not have a particular drive to do.

 

It isn't about libido so much as its about compromise.

 

Oh my. So she should go through the motions to please him when she does not feel it at all? I think not. I think both have to work together for the feeling to be there or accept that it isn't. I don't want to think of having sex with someone as a compromise.

 

Get some lube, learn how to give killer hand jobs, give an enthusiastic blow job or at the very least don't just lay there and wait for him to 'get off'. Is giving up ten to thirty minutes of a night a couple of times a week to do something special for your husband like that really that much of a pain in the ass?

 

If you're not attracted -- yes, it can feel not so much like a pain in the ass but like something is being endured.

 

I really dislike this whole "well, I don't feel like having sex so we are never going to have sex" attitude. I'm not suggesting that women lay themselves down for non-consensual or painful sex - just to try to put some feeling into a sexual act for the sake of their husband's needs.

 

You'd think that with some women, the only needs that matter are their own.

 

Now, I know what this will spark: the whole angry "what if the husband is not deserving of sex, doesn't help around the house, is lazy, mean, etc." -

 

I'm not talking about dysfunctional or abusive situations - I'm talking about situations like some of the long suffering 'good husbands' here on the board, the ones who won't cheat, who treat their wives well, who participate actively in the marriage but who are stuck with sexually lazy wives who apparently think that since sex doesn't matter to THEM, it doesn't matter at all.

 

It isn't always that a wife is sexually lazy. Perhaps over the years feelings have changed or perhaps she just isn't attracted (or he isn't if the tables are turned) -- it isn't always an act of protest to not give their husband what he "needs" -- it may just be a lack of desire. I do not want to comply just to appease. If the feeling isn't there for both partners, something is amiss and it should be discussed.

 

There is this huge lie in our culture that says sex shouldn't be that important, that people's sexual desires are trivial, that "love" should be enough. It's rubbish. We human being are risen apes, not fallen angels. Most us need a sex life to be emotionally and pyschologically healthy.

 

Can two people in a sexless relationship still love each other? Sure they can. But depriving a partner of a sex life is cruel and inhumane. And sexual rejection hurts. It makes us feel unwanted, unloved. If your wife cannot or will not provide you with a sex life, then she should at least have the decency to let you get your sexual needs filled elsewhere. It is the only way your marriage has a chance of survival.

 

I imagine sexual rejection does hurt. I suppose if my husband were asking all the time and I was saying no, things would be worse. He's said once in the last year that he doesn't like we haven't been having sex. That was his approach as we were walking in the neighborhood. I don't know. Something just seems dysfunctional in our relationship.

[giotto]

seems to me (speaking from experience.... ) that men tend to lose the intimacy together with the physicality when denied sex... I think we - men - have said this several times on this board: sex plays a huge part in connecting with with our wives and when we lose sex we lose almost everything. That's why most sexless marriages are a barren affair, held together by the necessity of raising the children, and that's why you will find a functional low-sex marriage when the man has the ability to connect with his wife on many different levels or has learnt to do this over the years... I'm afraid I'm a typical n.1 example... I'm only learning now after 25 years, I've had to learn how to "de-sexualise" myself in order to stay in this marriage... I've been brainwashed... sex really is overrated...

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I love my husband of 27 years very much, but don't have much physical attraction at all. I would love to. It just isn't there. I don't know why. We haven't had much communication and intimacy (knowing one another deeply) in our relationship. Do y'all have that?

 

 

 

I agree -- a relationship changes over the years -- sometimes people grow closer. Sometimes more distant.

 

Your professor is depressing.

 

 

 

Oh my. So she should go through the motions to please him when she does not feel it at all? I think not. I think both have to work together for the feeling to be there or accept that it isn't. I don't want to think of having sex with someone as a compromise.

 

 

 

If you're not attracted -- yes, it can feel not so much like a pain in the ass but like something is being endured.

 

 

 

It isn't always that a wife is sexually lazy. Perhaps over the years feelings have changed or perhaps she just isn't attracted (or he isn't if the tables are turned) -- it isn't always an act of protest to not give their husband what he "needs" -- it may just be a lack of desire. I do not want to comply just to appease. If the feeling isn't there for both partners, something is amiss and it should be discussed.

 

 

 

I imagine sexual rejection does hurt. I suppose if my husband were asking all the time and I was saying no, things would be worse. He's said once in the last year that he doesn't like we haven't been having sex. That was his approach as we were walking in the neighborhood. I don't know. Something just seems dysfunctional in our relationship.

 

I just am not sure how many more times I can go over this. You love your husband but have no desire for him. Doesn't compute, if they have remained the same person you married (matured obviously, grown as a person and as a male I will say remained attractive and the same weight appearance over the years). Yep, you are incredibly selfish if this is important to him.

 

I will as always bring it to the basest of questions.... Do you orgasm? Is it not enjoyable? Does your husband not want you to orgasm when you have sex? Real simple.

 

If my wife had absolutely no interest or enjoyment from sex, I'd have to look for a way out (only quantity is lacking).

 

How many times we (and am being sexist as a male) do stuff solely because our spouses want or expect it of us. There are compromises, things that need to be done and then there are those we do only because our spouses want us to and yes these are done because we love them and you know what, we hope that it will be appreciated and lead to sex down the road.....

 

Now if you love him/her, as long as the spouse since marriage has grown as a person, matured and to be completely honest, remained attractive, you need to understand why you don't have 20-30 minutes a couple of times a week to do it (as another poster said)..... Yea, like we could only hope for that much:D:p.....

 

I am tired of this back and forth and why people don't understand something so simple.

 

As for the professor, what a sad view of marriage.... Should I imagine he was chasing co-eds?

 

And yes it is lazy, if you claim to love your spouse and can't muster it up once every couple of weeks, especially if he/she is good at it, you orgasm and he/she puts in the majority of the work.....

 

Again though this thread was about sex in a loveless marriage and yet you are sexless in a loving marriage.... That pisses me off....

[giotto]

I just am not sure how many more times I can go over this. You love your husband but have no desire for him. Doesn't compute, if they have remained the same person you married (matured obviously, grown as a person and as a male I will say remained attractive and the same weight appearance over the years). Yep, you are incredibly selfish if this is important to him.

 

I will as always bring it to the basest of questions.... Do you orgasm? Is it not enjoyable? Does your husband not want you to orgasm when you have sex? Real simple.

 

If my wife had absolutely no interest or enjoyment from sex, I'd have to look for a way out (only quantity is lacking).

 

How many times we (and am being sexist as a male) do stuff solely because our spouses want or expect it of us. There are compromises, things that need to be done and then there are those we do only because our spouses want us to and yes these are done because we love them and you know what, we hope that it will be appreciated and lead to sex down the road.....

 

Now if you love him/her, as long as the spouse since marriage has grown as a person, matured and to be completely honest, remained attractive, you need to understand why you don't have 20-30 minutes a couple of times a week to do it (as another poster said)..... Yea, like we could only hope for that much:D:p.....

 

I am tired of this back and forth and why people don't understand something so simple.

 

As for the professor, what a sad view of marriage.... Should I imagine he was chasing co-eds?

 

And yes it is lazy, if you claim to love your spouse and can't muster it up once every couple of weeks, especially if he/she is good at it, you orgasm and he/she puts in the majority of the work.....

 

Again though this thread was about sex in a loveless marriage and yet you are sexless in a loving marriage.... That pisses me off....

 

well, TDP, they love their spouses, but not that way anymore... What I find insulting is why these women stay in the marriage... again, another case of selfishness? Just set the poor husbands free...

[Toodamnpragmatic]

don't get me started Giotto.... I tried to stay away as the OP was something different, then Samantha0905 had to post and set me off......

[janie423]

well, TDP, they love their spouses, but not that way anymore... What I find insulting is why these women stay in the marriage... again, another case of selfishness? Just set the poor husbands free...

 

Easier said than done. As I said in my post, we separated, but my husband kept coming back, finding ways to interact with me, he never let go, even though I gave him an out. Perhaps needs change as a couple matures; perhaps (frequent) sex is replaced with something else. I don't have the answers.

 

I'm not sure if the professor was chasing all coeds, but he was chasing me . . .

[schro31185]

I think men stop treating their wife like a date. They think once you get married a woman is obligated to have sex, once they don't it becomes a problem. When the problem continues unresolved, the wife gets completely turned off by the idea of sex in general.

 

Or he continually intiates sex, and she turns him down, again if he doesn't change his approach, then the wife gets completely turned off, and a habit for turning him down. If he always associates an activity with an opening for sex, like cuddling, or a massage. After frequent turn downs, she will then stop wanting affection at all. He will say it's her fault and a sexless marriage will ensue.

 

I can't say for sure, but I think any sexless marriage can be changed with a little tweaking done by the husband.

 

In my case, I make it a point for us to go on a date about once a week. It is usually just dinner at a restaurant she likes, or a free movie at the drive in. I send flowers to her at work, for all the usual stuff, plus every once in a while just to make her feel special. Cuddling, massages, foot rubs, etc... almost anytime she asks. To me though these things ramp up my sex drive. Being close both emotionally and physically just does that to me, not to her apparently.

 

What usually ends up happening after any of these activities is her saying, "thanks, good night", or if I suggest sex, or even display that I want it, she gets mad, and tells me how everything was going great and then I ruined it. Of course I see things the other way. Occasionally she will give in, but it is never her idea, and most of the time lays there until I'm done (sometimes asking if I'm done yet, or if I can hurry up). After this happens, I feel relieved to have um... you know... but at the same time I feel worse than I did before because I know she was only giving in.

 

I used to ask for it what I now see as too often, once every couple days. So we discussed it and agreed to twice a week, so long as I don't ask for more. So every saturday and sunday at some point she would look at me and say, "do you want to go ahead and do it now? Will it take long?" I got tired of this, and have tried my best to just not ask at all and wait for her to come to me. This seems to be a dream come true for her, and has not changed her attitude one bit. Though it has turned me more sour, because it seems like no matter what I do, its never enough. Even house hold chores. She pays the bills, does most of the laundry, and the dishes, thats it! I do everything else; cooking, vacuuming, cleaning kitchen & bathroom, mowing, and religiously taking care of our both our cars.

 

Sorry for the venting, I have just seen this response to the problem so many times, from her, and others, that I just want to scream "What more could I possibly do to change things?!" Even though I feel I am the only one attempting a change.

[EnigmasMuse]

"Just set the poor husbands free."

 

Well I guess if the men were truly tired of the lack of sex their wives were no longer providing, they could set themselves free etc. But most probably wouldn't, just like most women probably wouldn't set their husbands or themselves free, because there is usually more involved and holding the marriage together than just lack of sex.

 

However, in my situation not only did I set my husband free I set myself free when he decided he no longer wanted to invest in the marriage emotionally. And yes he was still getting sex. I think during that time I thought if I kept giving him sex it would make him love me and want me more and invest in the relationship more emotionally, but it didn't.

 

Thankfully I learned for myself, that even though sex IS IMPORTANT, it doesn't always save an already possibly broken marriage. People don't just wake up one morning and say, "I don't want to have sex with my spouse anymore." Without there being some kind of reason behind it. Whether its a valid reason or not, and whether they tell their spouse or not what it is, there is still something deeper thats keeping them from not wanting too. JMO.

[Samantha0905]

I just am not sure how many more times I can go over this. You love your husband but have no desire for him. Doesn't compute, if they have remained the same person you married (matured obviously, grown as a person and as a male I will say remained attractive and the same weight appearance over the years). Yep, you are incredibly selfish if this is important to him.

 

Actually maybe remaining the same person is the problem. I've changed a lot from 14 to 48 and he hasn't particularly.

 

And no, I'm not incredibly selfish. I've behaved selfishly at times in our marriage as has HE.

 

I don't think sex should be a sacrificial situation.

 

I will as always bring it to the basest of questions.... Do you orgasm? Is it not enjoyable? Does your husband not want you to orgasm when you have sex? Real simple.

 

Hmmmm. Not that simple. It's been a while, but sex had turned into every Saturday night -- same script each time -- and yes I had orgasms during the oral sex part which is how he made me orgasm and figured that out after 20 years of marriage -- but yay for it finally working. However, just because I would finally orgasmed doesn't mean I particularly wanted to be there. It's not that simple and perhaps what you're saying and how I feel simply points out how different some men and women can feel about sex.

 

If my wife had absolutely no interest or enjoyment from sex, I'd have to look for a way out (only quantity is lacking).

 

And I can understand that fully. I have interest. It's just not here right now.

 

How many times we (and am being sexist as a male) do stuff solely because our spouses want or expect it of us.

 

"Stuff" should not be sex if someone simply does not want to be there. I can understand if perhaps one is attracted to their partner, but just happens to be really tired or something -- and has sex with them because they are wanting to badly. Hell, even really tired or whatever one can start enjoying sex in that situation once it commences.

 

There are compromises, things that need to be done and then there are those we do only because our spouses want us to and yes these are done because we love them and you know what, we hope that it will be appreciated and lead to sex down the road.....

 

Now if you love him/her, as long as the spouse since marriage has grown as a person, matured and to be completely honest, remained attractive, you need to understand why you don't have 20-30 minutes a couple of times a week to do it (as another poster said)..... Yea, like we could only hope for that much:D:p.....

 

I am tired of this back and forth and why people don't understand something so simple.

 

Because it isn't something "simple."

 

As for the professor, what a sad view of marriage.... Should I imagine he was chasing co-eds?

 

Agreed.

 

And yes it is lazy, if you claim to love your spouse and can't muster it up once every couple of weeks, especially if he/she is good at it, you orgasm and he/she puts in the majority of the work.....

 

That has not been the case in my case.

 

Again though this thread was about sex in a loveless marriage and yet you are sexless in a loving marriage.... That pisses me off....

 

Well, too bad. It pisses me off too.

 

well, TDP, they love their spouses, but not that way anymore... What I find insulting is why these women stay in the marriage... again, another case of selfishness? Just set the poor husbands free...

 

Maybe not selfishness, but the opposite. He doesn't want to be "set free." I'm trying to hold out hope for better days. I don't think marriage should just be discarded so easily.

[Star727]

My husband (age 59) and I (age 54) have been married 23 years. Five years ago he had prostate cancer surgery. Sex is no longer what it used to be. He has tried things to help that, but to him its not the same and he has given up on having a decent sex life. Every now and then he gets a good erection and we excitedly "do it". I am now menopausal and my sex drive has gone way up! I think about having sex all the time. My husband knows how I feel so he pleasures me (there's many different ways other than actual intercourse) whenever I need it and he doesnt worry about himself. I do, I want to see him sexually pleased and I'm sad when I can't help him but he keeps telling me not to worry about him, he just wants to make sure I'm taken care of. His lack of sex drive depresses him and I'm so sorry that a medical condition took away what he really loved to do. But in the meantime, he is not making me suffer for what happened to him and I always let him know that I appreciate his consideration.

[schro31185]

Star, I hope that one day I am part of a relationship with a connection, and a commitment to each other, on a level as deep as yours.

[Honorable_Venerable]

 

 

It isn't always that a wife is sexually lazy. Perhaps over the years feelings have changed or perhaps she just isn't attracted (or he isn't if the tables are turned) -- it isn't always an act of protest to not give their husband what he "needs" -- it may just be a lack of desire. I do not want to comply just to appease. If the feeling isn't there for both partners, something is amiss and it should be discussed.

 

 

 

 

No. Simply saying that both sexes can be sexually lazy is NOT a solution. Of course it's true, but pointing it out in no way advances the arguement. If you someone doesn't want to "comply just to appease", what is the solution? What if the 'discussion' is "I'm not interested, tough luck on you, suck it up and get on with it"? It seems that the new definition of compromise is "my way or the highway".

[soserious1]

don't get me started Giotto.... I tried to stay away as the OP was something different, then Samantha0905 had to post and set me off......

 

Maybe you guys should list all the things you do that you really don't want to do for women hoping they'll lead to sex, then we can decide if getting those things is worth the effort of putting out. Then neither of us are obligated to do anything we don't want to do and we're both spared the constant pressure.

 

I have no problem with the idea that I have to "pay" for things, it is nice though to know in advance what those things are so I can take em or leave them.

 

Why not hand your wife a list, give her a choice?

[xxoo]

I believe you can REALLY love your spouse without a sexual relationship. Sex does not determine love.

 

I do not believe you can REALLY love your spouse and disregard their need and desire for a sexual relationship (or any other need/desire). If there is no care and concern for the partner's needs and happiness, there is no love. Or, love is overshadowed by some sort of fear.

[Honorable_Venerable]

I believe you can REALLY love your spouse without a sexual relationship. Sex does not determine love.

 

I do not believe you can REALLY love your spouse and disregard their need and desire for a sexual relationship (or any other need/desire). If there is no care and concern for the partner's needs and happiness, there is no love. Or, love is overshadowed by some sort of fear.

I agree. If partner A turned round and said "I'm going vegetarian / converting to a different religion ,and I demand you do likewise", people would be horrified by partner A's lack of concern and disregard for their partner. If partner A says "I don't want to have sex with you", on the other hand, the expectation is that the other partner has to lump it.

[giotto]

I agree. If partner A turned round and said "I'm going vegetarian / converting to a different religion ,and I demand you do likewise", people would be horrified by partner A's lack of concern and disregard for their partner. If partner A says "I don't want to have sex with you", on the other hand, the expectation is that the other partner has to lump it.

 

yeah, but one thing is eating a cucumber, another is having a meaty dick in your vagina...

[xxoo]

yeah, but one thing is eating a cucumber, another is having a meaty dick in your vagina...

 

Well, I see it the other way...

 

I can be a veg, but I can not truly love my mate and force veg on him.

 

Likewise, I can be celibate, but I can not truly love my mate and force celibacy on him. I have to give him an out, or some other options, if I know that sex is something he needs and desires. My love of him requires it.

[giotto]

Well, I see it the other way...

 

 

Likewise, I can be celibate, but I can not truly love my mate and force celibacy on him.

 

I'm sorry, but apparently you can...

 

P.S. Not you personally, but "people"...