Do I have a chance at a second chance?

[harkkam]

Guys I am turning 24 and it seems like things like this keep happening to me, I get into relationships and they end and I cant seem to let the person go.

 

I met this girl she is 20 and we dated for one year and I developed a really special bond with her but she ended her relationship over a fight we had. I know she was unsure this whole time, but I havent been able to let go. I am still in love with her.

 

We broke up about a month ago, and I have been contacting her and trying to keep in touch and she keeps pushing me away saying things like...

 

"I realized Ive been lying to myself this whole time about this relationship. And that I havent been following my heart. Ur not who I want to follow"

 

and

 

I asked her and told her "Didnt I make you happy, I know I did many times, you would say it and I have so many things to prove it."

 

Then she replies with "Not enuf and as I would have liked. I tried for one year and u havent done anything"

 

SHe said "I want a diff guy thats all"

 

"Yea I gave you a chance and as I talked with you I saw how you were reacting...etc. I just saw that I dont want to get back with you it was a confirmation"

 

"been there dealt with it h.Trust me I would know if uve changed truly and u havnt. But that doesnt matte, grow and be mature. Thats all. Let go, ive told you one thousand times. U wont listen like always no surprise"

 

"I dont hate, not angry...not anything. just me And my heart says your not the guy for me personality wise"

 

"Its who you are, Ur fine for someone else, not me. I know it in my gut. And this time Im actually going to listen to it"

 

"Even though i tired I just cant. I dont want to at all see you, im kind of disgusted by it - being with you for so long, im disappointed in my myself, sorry for the painful truth. Goodnight and I havnt txts u bcuz u ALWAYS text and call me like a 1000 times and I hate it everytime u do that. But you do it anyways cuz you care about your desires. W.e anyway thats why"

 

 

 

Guys I really love this woman, and I know what I must do. But I am having a hard time letting go. I dont have the energy to go out and meet other woman.

 

Me and her had planned out our life together and built dreams and hopes and now that they are gone I feel lost and confused.

 

Honestly I would do just about anything to have her back. I am smart enough to know what I MUST do, but I dont have the HEART to actually do it.

 

Which is letting her go, and moving on with my life.

 

To me she seemed like the girl of my dreams, meeting and surpassing my expectations of who I was looking for in a person. Unfortunately its obvious she does not feel that way about me. It sucks to have to face this truth.

 

 

Well then I sent her a few txts to say goodbye and basically this is what she said.

 

"I wont be against the idea if you contact me mannyy months from now...its just that I kept saying no because you wanted three or so months. Contact me when ur ready...and I mean truly ready. If you havnt changed truely, then obviously ill know right from the start and never ever try with u again. However many months from now, I dont know where ill be. Or whom ill be with. But it never hurts to try lots of luck and goodluck."

 

I then said "well I dont plan on dating or hooking up with anyone for six months because I want to take this time to work on myself and you already know how I feel about your dating someone"

 

She said "Mhmmm...okie"

 

I then said "Take care byee"

 

that was that.

 

 

What am I supposed to make of this?

[Arabella]

That last message she sent you is just a way of keeping you in the back burner in case she doesn't meet anyone she likes better.

 

She's told you clearly she doesn't want you. In NO uncertain terms. Believe her and move on.

 

I know it hurts. I know it's hard. But you need to just do it.

 

Arabella

[DustySaltus]

She says this:

 

"Its who you are, Ur fine for someone else, not me. I know it in my gut. And this time Im actually going to listen to it"

 

 

"Even though i tired I just cant. I dont want to at all see you, im kind of disgusted by it - being with you for so long, im disappointed in my myself, sorry for the painful truth. Goodnight and I havnt txts u bcuz u ALWAYS text and call me like a 1000 times and I hate it everytime u do that. But you do it anyways cuz you care about your desires. W.e anyway thats why"

 

And then this:

 

"I wont be against the idea if you contact me mannyy months from now...its just that I kept saying no because you wanted three or so months. Contact me when ur ready...and I mean truly ready. If you havnt changed truely, then obviously ill know right from the start and never ever try with u again. However many months from now, I dont know where ill be. Or whom ill be with. But it never hurts to try lots of luck and goodluck."

 

I know closure can take a while sometimes but if this didn't tell you and SHOW you who she really is, I don't know what will. You love the girl that you still have in your mind, NOT the person she truly is.

 

Someone who loves you will tell you when they are upset about something. They will tell you what their needs are. They will give you an opportunity to make things work. She puts all the blame on you. That's no love, that's not wanting to accept responsibility.

 

Please read the link in my siganture. NC is the best way for you to heal now. Stop calling, texting and emailing her. She doesn't deserve a breath right now. Seriously, if there was EVER a message that screamed NC it would be the one she sent you. Focus on yourself and continue to post here.

[harkkam]

I feel like she tends to be emotional and say things that are over exaggerated and when she is feeling upset she will be mean but then she can turn around and be nice too and thats why in her heart she might feel differently.

 

She wrote this email to me

 

Dear ,

 

Thank you for all your insight. I'm grateful. And I agree with it all, that's the way we should live life by. That's what life is all about. Meeting everyone on the face of this earth....and loving them for whomever they are. Even if they are criminals....people make mistakes too. And I never hated you, I've always loved you. And I always will, because that is how I view the world. Loving others, even strangers. That is who I want to be....I hope to get there someday....But I too am on this journey we call Life...and I love it! lol....even with all the pain and hardships. I'm living by my heart...and whatever my gut feelings tell me. I've always had a problem with not being strong enough to do the things I've actually wanted....but I'm starting to change. People are so cool and awesome! (at least some of them ). I want to move to a different country and live their for a while...I'm going with my sister to Germany. lolz. Learn a new language and live life there for a while. Work there. Enjoy a different life. Then I would like to move elsewhere, and just continue my traveling. Maybe backpack for a year around the world...I've always wanted to go to a Mongolian village .

 

But yea, life is life. Time to live it, yea?

 

Thank you for all that you were, and all that you are. <3 I love you.

 

Love me too,

 

 

 

This is her normal self, I think she is just very upset because she had sent me a txt a few days ago saying

 

"I dont know how I do it either, I have an ex that doesn't love the way I want and my parents who dont love me the way I want, I have a very lonely and sad life and unfulfilled."

 

So in my GUT I feel like she is just very sad and in anger saying those mean hurtful things and feels less hostile toward me.

 

She also sent me a txt saying

 

"Thanks I dont hate u, never did bumbum. Youre a gentle soul as well..now its time to acept that. I just hope that u can let go of everything and be free. Thats all. Inner peace is hard to find thats what Im loking for as well...thank you and lots of luck with everything."

 

So thats why I have a hard time believing she feels so negatively about me and that indeed months from now I should contact her and maybe try again.

Edited June 3, 2010 by harkkam

[DustySaltus]

You can NEVER be happy with someone else until you are happy with yourself. She's not happy with herself and that's HER PROBLEM. It's not your job to make her feel better, it's HERS. You got to focus on you. Whether or not she loves you one minute and hates you the next should have no effect on what you do.....which is to move on.

[harkkam]

Hmm....she always used to complain how her home life was hell and hard for her to deal with and her parents never treated her the way that she wanted them to.

 

I tried my best to be there for her in those times.

 

Its just so hard to say goodbye and let go of somebody that you've cared so much for.

 

Each wonderful memory comes and bites you in the arse and hurts you and makes you realize how lonely and sad you really are.

 

I never gave so much of myself to another person as I did for her. Not even the girl that I was with before her.

 

I had a previous relationship with a woman for two years and I didnt lover her like I loved this girl. It sucks because I really want to get married to her.

[What_Next]

You might not want to hear this, but I have serious doubts that this will ever work. If you believe some of the things she is saying and you are willing to change, then put that into action first.

 

You do seem to have low self esteem though (not in any way meant to be a personal attack, just an observation). You have said this sort of thing has happened before. If so, it might be time to sit and reflect on you first.

[harkkam]

Should I try and keep in contact with her over these few months that I am trying to change myself?

 

I feel like if I do No Contact, we will just drift away from each other and the bond we have will just wither away.

 

Im not sure if I should leave her alone totally or keep in touch once in a while.

 

My friend who went through a similar thing used to email/txt his ex every other week after being No contact for the first month. Then after about a few months they got back together.

 

Im not sure how to go about this.

[Bolts]

I know that I made mistakes.... what is funny is that I am "accused" of being to old to ever "change" and yet, I am on a constant personal quest to become a better person with everyday, not hoping to the next realationship to hide from my personal issues... but to each there own (and love allows us the gift to pardon horrible adolecent behavior... ahem...)

 

[sIZE=3]It took me four months to come to this realization...

despite my personal mistakes... for the first time "SCREW HER!!!!!" oh god that feels amazing... =)

 

I made advanced mistakes, sure... but to trade me in for that... HAHAHA

 

WOW... i feel really decent for the first time in months... thank you all... my sin (loving to much) + hers (failing in believeing in me) = her fail.

 

Its actually her fail, not mine!!!! Despite the crap that has been slung at me, the lies, the twisted reality... I only ever put her growth and happiness before mine... and I see now.. I DID "love" her... its her, she could not get passed her own self intrest and fear of "abondonment" that lead her to doing the one thing she feared most... abondon me!!

 

Awesome... and yea... if she were to FINALLY grow up and realize that "being independent" meant living for yourself, we would be back together... but she has a lot of learning to do before that occurs... only thing that reamains is... will she make a fatal error that will stain the rest of her life before she makes that realization?? God will let us know.... mwahahah...

 

I love this site... i think that only those of us who come here are the "Good ones"... it is us who are left seeking answers who matter...

[/sIZE]

[Bolts]

repost.... sorry

[DustySaltus]

Should I try and keep in contact with her over these few months that I am trying to change myself?

 

I feel like if I do No Contact, we will just drift away from each other and the bond we have will just wither away.

 

Im not sure if I should leave her alone totally or keep in touch once in a while.

 

My friend who went through a similar thing used to email/txt his ex every other week after being No contact for the first month. Then after about a few months they got back together.

 

Im not sure how to go about this.

 

The bond that you HAD HAS withered away. You cannot let someone else define who you are. I was engaged and moved half way across the world to be with someone. At the end of the day when things fell apart I was devastated. Looking back on things it showed me what I am capable of when I believe in something so strongly.

 

Don't improve YOU for anyone else except YOU. Continuing to have contact with her will not help YOUR healing process. She made her decision and let HER live with that for the next 100 years or so while you focus on you. I mean you survived before you met her, you'll survive afterwards too. But I can sit her ALL DAY and tell you what you need to hear but it will fall on deaf ears unless you want to BEGIN THE HEALING PROCESS.

 

There's a great saying that Caliguy always mentions on here: "Never make someone a priority, who only sees you as an option".

[harkkam]

Well I have some new advancements. I just needed closure so I went to her work place and I tried really hard not to go, but couldn't help myself.

 

We talked mainly about the relationship but we had a few laughs and she said that she was happier with her decision and that me being part of her life didn't let her grow and that our relationship hurt her as an individual person along with all our fighting.

 

I told her I was making changes and she seemed to be not saying anything but nodding her head and listening to me.

 

She did say she missed me and that I wasn't easily forgettable. She told me that I have to let her go before there could be any chance of another chance.

 

She said also "you know if you let go I might never contact you again, you have to understand that"

 

Right when I was about to leave we hugged and I kissed her on her cheek and as I walked out she said to me "I love you (name)" and I said I loved her too and I winked at her and smiled and left.

 

Later that day I sent her a txt saying "Could we keep in touch so that we know whats going on with each other" and she replied

 

"I dont want to, Im happier this way, didnt you listen? Why must you be so selfish I understand your heartache I told you to let go"

 

Then she said

 

"If you cant let me go, ill never give you a chance. Ur pushing me away with your inability to control yourself. If you cant do this...im never going to look back and push you away....i dont think youll ever change ...you continuously keep acting the same"

 

Which I replied saying okay Ill let you go.

 

I feel like a part of her is testing me to see if I can let go but another part of me thinks she is just saying this to get me to let her go and move on and forget about her totally and using the idea of a second chance as a way to just get me to let go.

 

What am I supposed to make of it. I am going to keep NC now strictly and just going to take the time to heal and get over her. Because I cant do this anymore this gray area pain.

 

But what do you guys think?

[romango]

 

But what do you guys think?

 

 

 

I think that you should accept the fact that it's really over. The more you grovel, the uglier you become to her.

 

 

Heal thyself.

[harkkam]

Then why did she say that if I dont let her go she would never give me a chance and she said "if you cant do this I wont ever look back and push you away"

 

Its as is she is testing me or using this as a way just to get me to leave her alone.

[romango]

Then why did she say that if I dont let her go she would never give me a chance and she said "if you cant do this I wont ever look back and push you away"

 

Its as is she is testing me or using this as a way just to get me to leave her alone.

 

 

I think she wants to be nowhere near you. That should be clear by everything you've posted about her. You're grasping at straws and are desperate to soothe your shattered ego. It won't work.

 

It's time to move on and heal yourself.

[harkkam]

I dont know man. I really love this girl so much. The memories we had mean so much to me and then to have her throw them down the drain just hurts and I just wish she would let me show her that Im willing to work and make things better. I just wish she wouldn't throw out our memories and give me a chance to work at it.

 

I've never given somebody so much so much of our love and have her treat me so well and love me like she did. I just dont know how to move on from her.

 

I really am going crazy and need help. I've been depressed for the past month.

 

Ive been NC for the past week now

[AlwaysConflicted]

This sounds like my 1st love and breakup 10 years ago.

 

Anyways, do not do what I did. I made so many grand gestures. Things that you'd see in the movies. Ambushed her at work, sent flowers, bought her gifts. I thought I was being romantic, but it was probably closer to psychotic or obsessive. I pushed her so far away.

 

You need to leave alone for a while...a month at least. Maybe more. You might not get her back, but if you bother her you won't get her back. Don't make my same mistake. It's 10 years later and I still kick myself.

 

Leave her alone for now.

[harkkam]

I will man, I will.

 

I am going to leave her alone for a couple of months and try and get in contact with her.

 

I just cant deal with the pain from the loss of the woman I loved so dearly

[harkkam]

I havent contacted her at all but I feel a bit better. The panic and pain my chest seem to be going down. But I am always still thinking about her.

 

I hear from a mutual friend there is this guy she likes now. I sit here keep thinking about her and cant forget her.

 

I miss her touch and her kiss, her presence and her voice on the other end of the phone.

 

How does it get better?

[chooch]

I havent contacted her at all but I feel a bit better. The panic and pain my chest seem to be going down. But I am always still thinking about her.

 

I hear from a mutual friend there is this guy she likes now. I sit here keep thinking about her and cant forget her.

 

I miss her touch and her kiss, her presence and her voice on the other end of the phone.

 

How does it get better?

 

I have no idea if it gets better and can only suppose it must... however I can certainly relate to everything in your post!