sister married and has 3 children with my sexual assaulter

[foxpumpkins]

First, i would like to say hello, and Thank You all for being here.

This is the first time i have ever asked anyone else for help on this issue.

My sister started to date a very good friend of mine who i partied with all the time, he was my good friend.

I went over to his apartment he shared with another friend we all knew and we all drank and partied.

I was the first to say i was toast for the night and i asked him where i could crash, he told me his room. I thought nothing of it as we all had to crash somewhere. i had been friends with him for about 4 years, close friends, so to sleep in his room, not his bed, was no shocker.

All i can say is that i woke up, flat on my back. My top was fully undone and wide open, my bra(front fastener) was undone and wide open. my pants were undone, but not off. He had his hand on my stomach and he was on the phone...who i later found out was with my sister. i was in complete shock. I turned to my side, waited and then got up real quick. Got myself together in the bathroom, called out to my best friend we were leaving and left. I got home and called my sister first to tell her, she called him......to make a long story short, my sister did not believe me, she believed him. I told my mom and dad and noone did anything. He was still allowed in the house and i was blamed for splitting up the family and that i should put it behind me and make up. After many tries of making up, but only screaming at him after, for some wierd reason or way, i became friends with him again. We got in an arguement, and in the email, he mentioned the past and how i had stopped talking to him. Everything came back like it was just happening all over. He has never ever admitted what he did. He is the only person that knows what he did. I woke up that way. I cannot believe i did not wake up and i went to bed alone. I slept on the floor. His alibi to my sister is that he was on the phone all night with her, which he was...he was still on the phone when i woke up.

My Mom is on my sisters side. My sister is now in a house with him, with 3 children. It has never been mentioned. I am like a secret. I never go over, but my Mom does, she says for the sake of the grandchildren.

My Mom does not think Trisha did anything wrong. She says it is her life. They all have no idea what they have done to my life. We are in an arguement right now, my sis,mom and me. OF course i am on one side them on the other. They have no idea.

What does everyone think about this? My mom says the grandchildren if they ever ask why i don't go over or talk to their Dad, i should just say that we got in a verbal arguement. I just don't feel like being disregarded once more. It is only me who has suffered through this. I don't want to hurt the children, but should i tell them what happened if they are older, or just leave it to my sis and him to make something up. SHould i just agree with what they say?? Gosh i just don't know what to do. I just hate that my Sister did not believe me, that my Mom does not stand up for me and that i always seem to be this trash in a corner.

Any advice?

Thanks and stay safe.

S.

[Jilly Bean]

Oh, my. You poor thing. I am truly sorry for not only the abuse, but also for your family's reaction!

 

I have almost no real advice, as it is such a stunning story. I suppose the only thing that comes to mind, is to find someone capable of mediating a type of intervention. You need to seek a therapist who can work with you to resolve your anger, and feelings of being invalidated/betrayed by your family, and then have them set up a way for you to confront each of the perpetrators in this story.

 

Even if nothing changes from their end, you will feel like you've "had your day in court" and like they were all finally forced to hear your feelings on this, rather than brushing it under the rug.

 

FWIW, I understand this is a common reaction in situations of abuse. Sort of related, but I dated a guy years ago who was previously married to a woman who was incested by her older brother. The whole family knew, and they still allow him around the family. I found that chilling...:mad:

[BlkAzian]

I am not sure what happened? Im just curious how do you know anything went on was it just because your clothes were undone? You said that you were wasted and im not saying that you are wrong in believing something happened. It might have happened, but did this man admitt to you that something happened? As far as the children go you should leave them out of it. what good will it do them for them knowing that you speculate or their father did something to you. I dont think It will do the kids any good it will damage them.. You need to seek professional help I feel bad for your ordeal. I know it puts you in a bad situation.

[foxpumpkins]

I am not sure what happened? Im just curious how do you know anything went on was it just because your clothes were undone? You said that you were wasted and im not saying that you are wrong in believing something happened. It might have happened, but did this man admitt to you that something happened? As far as the children go you should leave them out of it. what good will it do them for them knowing that you speculate or their father did something to you. I dont think It will do the kids any good it will damage them.. You need to seek professional help I feel bad for your ordeal. I know it puts you in a bad situation.

Hello. There is only one person in this whole world who knows exactly what happened. Forgive me, but i know something went on for the pure fact i went to bed alone....fully dressed. I woke up like that. Just the pure fact that i was topless with my pants undone means SOMETHING went on. Who undresses someone like that, just to leave them and even if they did just do all that...why is it ok? What did he do?? i have no idea. Imagine waking up like that, thinking you were amongst friends. Who undoes someones pants exposing their underwear, but does nothing. Waking up in that state was horrific. I cannot describe the horror and the fear of waking up flat on my back like that. I am not saying he raped me. My mother has used the fact too that i was drinking and how do i know he did it. Well. Who walks into their bedroom, sees their friend lying half naked on the floor, lies down next to them, puts their hand on their stomach, and makes a phone call

He has never admitted a thing. He has maintened a constant silence. He has never got angry for being accused of something he never did. Would anyone here be accused of this and say nothing. I have always had to argue about me not waking up, being drunk, not seeing anything with my Mom and Sister. This has always been their reasons to doubt me and not believe me. I understand why people just say nothing, even though the world encourages women to do so. Unless you take a picture and have them sign a paper saying they were guilty then you...yourself , the victim is on trial. I know the horror i went through for speaking up within an hour. The first thing i did was call my sister. I have got the most compassion i have ever received in my life from the first poster Jilly Bean. So yes i do believe something went on JUST BECAUSE my clothes were undone. Not just undone, please, i don't want people to think i was just laying there with some buttons not done up. I had a top on that zipped all the way up. It was fully unzipped and wide open. My front fastening brA was completely undone. I may as well have had nothing on from the waist up. I just hope that you are not saying that waking up like that is not horrific in itself, with him laying next to you, casually talking on the phone. He had his hand on my stomach, just resting there. He was playing with me whilst he was probably playing on the phone with my sister. I tell you, when you wake up like that, and yes i have no idea what happened, just imagining what may have ,will tear you apart. What man does admit it. I don' t know of any that would say....yup, i undressed you whilst you were passed out, but thats all, please don't be mad. Maybe putting myself out there on this forum was a mistake as i should have realized that i would be doubted just like my family does. The same things you said they said. if i could turn back time, i would have called the police, but i was in shock. All i could think about was getting the heck out. Maybe to you, just waking up undressed means nothing happened, but to me and maybe many others it does not. I know this email is curt, but i do appreciate your comments good and bad. I have never once, not just in my first email, but since this all happened in my life, ever suggested what may or may not have happenned, but he will take this to the grave...won't he. He will never say what he did...i will never know what he did. He has stayed silent. Even when we became friends again, he never said anything. How could i have become friends with him again. I don't know what i was thinking. My mother kept saying how i was ruining the family and messing everything up, so i sold my soul to the devil i guess. Then they used the fact i did what the asked against me, as why would i become friends with him if he did it. I just can't win. I would be so angry to be accused of something i did not do. I would ask me, why are you saying these things, etc. He has just maintained silence. To think that "all" he may have done was undress me is the best case scenario. The probability that that is all he did, in a closed room, passed out girl, on the phone with his girlfriend, to me....is rather slim unfortunately for me.

I thought when i started to not feel good that night that hitting the sack first was not risky. We had all been hanging out all night, i had not kissed anyone,flirted, nothing. It was simply great friends having a great time. He probably got the shock of his life when i woke up. It was just getting light out. he probably thought he had lots more time. All he said when i turned over was...whats wrong. i just do not want that even if he just did expose me like he did, that it is NOT considered as nothing went on. That in itself is something...isn't it...i know it is because of how i felt when i woke up and how i have felt ever since.

[foxpumpkins]

Oh, my. You poor thing. I am truly sorry for not only the abuse, but also for your family's reaction!

 

I have almost no real advice, as it is such a stunning story. I suppose the only thing that comes to mind, is to find someone capable of mediating a type of intervention. You need to seek a therapist who can work with you to resolve your anger, and feelings of being invalidated/betrayed by your family, and then have them set up a way for you to confront each of the perpetrators in this story.

 

Even if nothing changes from their end, you will feel like you've "had your day in court" and like they were all finally forced to hear your feelings on this, rather than brushing it under the rug.

 

FWIW, I understand this is a common reaction in situations of abuse. Sort of related, but I dated a guy years ago who was previously married to a woman who was incested by her older brother. The whole family knew, and they still allow him around the family. I found that chilling...:mad:

Jilly Bean, Thanks so much for your kind response, it really brought tears to my eyes to finally hear someone say that to me. How strange that the words came from someone i have never seen or met, but my family just doubted me. I know they doubted me purely because i partied a lot. I think they thought it would just blow over. My Mom to this day tells me to just get over it and move on. If only she knew that just talking and not yelling, and showing me compassion would move mountains. My sister has no idea how many tears i have shed over this. This is why her tears she has now about us not speaking, don't affect me. She has no idea what she has done. Of all the men in the world, she stayed with him and moved in and had children. Who doesn't believe her sister. Was she so invested in him, that she figured being with him was more important. The thing now that she has children is that instead of her lying in the bed that she made, i have the dilema, not her, how to handle this messed up |Family. I am to blame for not talking to her, and if i dissasociate myself from her and him, then i am dissing my neices and nephews. She and him have no guilt or blame, only me.

Thanks again Jilly. Please Take Care

[turnera]

Let me get the technicality out of the way by saying if your pants were still on, it is still 50% possible that nothing more happened than he was attempting to go further, and you woke up and put a stop to it.

 

That said, you have a dysfunctional family, and that will never change.

 

You can't make them. All you can do is hold firm to your belief that she married a scumbag and you don't have to be around him.

 

I've cut my own father out of my life and my daughter's life, because his wife did something horrible, and she refused to admit it, and they chose her side. My own brother told me I should apologize to her for accusing her!

 

Bottom line, you don't HAVE to be part of that family if you don't want to. You can choose how to interact with your nieces and nephews, on your terms or not at all. You don't have to prove anything to them, either.

 

Don't let their dysfunction bring you down to their level.

[foxpumpkins]

Thanks for your reply and i agree with you. I love my Mom so much. I cannot believe sometimes that this is always happening. I talk to my mom 3 times a day we are so close, but then there is this. I was told yesterday that my sister is not hard like me. This is why she takes her side.

Thanks again turnera. I have not thought i was raped. But you are right, i woke up.