Icey cold

[What_Next]

As anyone that has read my thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t233265/ is aware my wife and I are teetering on the edge of divorce, and may have already fell over. Due to circumstances beyond my control right now I am living in my office/workshop downstairs. We are still on speaking terms, but my wife is just so cold. She says little, but when she does it is icey.

 

The irony is that when we talked over seperating she told me that she had become in her words "a cold hearted bi___". At the time I told her that is not a quality she has and that was only self pity talking.

 

You know what? I am starting to believe it is true and she has changed her personality more drastically than I have seen. Or is it just her way of pushing?

 

So far I have not really reacted, but tonight she said something that I found a little too far and I told her how hurtful what she said was. She gave no reaction, just a hmm.

 

I am getting fed up with it, but what do I say?

[hopesndreams]

I am getting fed up with it, but what do I say?

 

It's not about what you have to say, it's about what you do.

 

Get out of the office downstairs and back into your bedroom. She wants the divorce, she leaves the bed, not you.

 

Keep following the 180.

Edited June 4, 2010 by hopesndreams

[What_Next]

I am getting fed up with it, but what do I say?

 

It's not about what you have to say, it's about what you do.

 

Get out of the office downstairs and back into your bedroom. She wants the divorce, she leaves the bed, not you.

 

Keep following the 180.

 

I'm trying my best. I suppose I agreed to getting my stuff out of the bedroom and that was a mistake. It's hard to go back on that now.

 

I am honestly trying to find a room to rent or something. We do own a trailer (part of our debt issues...) and I have also thought about hauling it over to a local campground and staying there for a while. Perhaps that is what I'll do.

[What_Next]

Alright, enough is enough. Despite her taking some of what I said to her to heart I was pissed tonight. Still am.

 

I went to her and told her that on Sunday I am taking the trailer and going to a local Campground for a while. She and my daugther are gone this weekend so there's no sense leaving now. She did not really react.

 

We can't afford this for long (Almost 35 bucks a day at the campground), but it'll give me some sanity. When I leave on Sunday I am not contacting here in any way. That's it.

 

I honestly wish I could just walk away from this and find somewhere to stay, but that just isn't possible.

 

In a word *****.....

[stillafool]

I agree that you shouldn't have moved out of your bedroom. If she wants a divorce let her move out. I don't know that you should leave your house either. It is okay to tell your wife that you don't want to sleep downstairs, in a trailer at $35/day; but want to move back to where you belong - in your bedroom. If she is having an EA or whatever, you have to stand up to her and be strong or she will look at you as a whimp.

[What_Next]

I agree that you shouldn't have moved out of your bedroom. If she wants a divorce let her move out. I don't know that you should leave your house either. It is okay to tell your wife that you don't want to sleep downstairs, in a trailer at $35/day; but want to move back to where you belong - in your bedroom. If she is having an EA or whatever, you have to stand up to her and be strong or she will look at you as a whimp.

 

You are absolutely right. I am not 100% sure she is having a EA at this point. I just don't know. This decision is more about my own sanity right now. Just a few days of me time. When I return I will end this one way or the other.

[ADF]

She has obviously decided to adopt the "cold hearted bitch" posture as a way of getting under your skin. I think it is time you talked to a lawyer.

[Enema]

Do not leave the house, stop running away from this and giving her power.

 

As others have said: She wants the divorce, she does the work. Stop being her bitch

 

She doesn't respect you, and your actions are just making it worse for you.

[You Go Girl]

You have to be careful abandoning the permanent residence. If there is equity in the home, she can claim abandonment and get all of it.

[What_Next]

Things came to a head last night. I just couldn't take it any more. I demanded that we talk. It was up and down, and all over the place. I laid all of my cards on the table. She said many things as did I and I think we both ended up in a place of at least openess.

 

I decided to continue with my plan of taking the trailer to a campground for a few days and to go into NC for that time. She needs "her space" whatever the ***** that means. Then again so do I.

 

There is no equity in the house, as we rent. We own virtually nothing, except for a mountain of debt. That's not at issue right now.

 

I let her know in no uncertain terms that if we chose to split it will likely eventually get nasty and I want to avoid that.

 

We've decided to look into a MC. Does anyone have any experience with this? Should we get a male or female, or does that matter? What should the frequency of the visits be?

 

Personally I think it is already a done deal and this is a means to an end but what I am hoping is that we might be able to learn to get to the root of what got us here and even if we do split we might be able to learn how to do it and not tear our 11 yr old apart.

[What_Next]

Well I decided to go ahead and take control and find a councilor and book a session. We have one booked for June 14. This will be a new experience for us both.

 

I've also discussed with her that I will NOT live in the basement. I've had enough of that. I told her that if she does not want to be in the same room with me then fine. However; I want to sleep in our bed at least sometimes. She can choose the couch, or sleep in our daughters room, her choice.

 

I'm prepared to go our seperate ways, but I am also prepared to give it an honest shot and we've gone way too far to repair this ourselves, we need help. The million dollar question is whether or not she is.

 

We'll see. The story continues to develop I suppose

[ishmaiel]

I'm prepared to go our seperate ways, but I am also prepared to give it an honest shot and we've gone way too far to repair this ourselves, we need help. The million dollar question is whether or not she is.

 

I am truly sorry to hear about what you are going through. I am in a similar situation - future uncertain, living apart - but my wife continues to be kind, gentle and loving (just not in *that* way at the moment).

 

I suggest to you that you figure out what kind of relationship you would ideally like with her, how you and her (as a couple, and as individual) would be in such a relationship, and push with all your might towards that.

 

Try to become that person as soon as possible. If you don't feel like that person right now, at least act it. Be civil, be kind, be strong even when she is the exact opposite.

 

Lead by example.

 

Today, live thinking only about her pain. Tommorrow, make the entire day about the pain she must be feeling. I found that this has been helpful for me not only in taking focus off my own suffering (which makes me feel sorry for myself, which makes me feel worse, etc) but become more connected to her difficulties and therefore ultimately more connected to *our* difficulties.

 

Seriously, do it. Odd-numbered days: your pain. Even-numbered days: her pain.

 

On odd numbered days, you do everything that you can to manage your own grief.

 

On even numbered days, your only task is to reduce (by whatever tiny amount) her pain and anguish.

 

Thinking of her pain may be very hard, because your own is so much more real and tangible. However, as long as you want to still be with her, you must treat her well-being as importantly as yours (the way you would if the relationship were entirely intact).

 

Ultimately, these are the possibilities

 

- things work out, and you were strong

- things work out, and you were not strong

- things don't work out, and you were strong

- things don't work out, and you were not strong

 

Here, "were strong" is the same as "trying your *hardest* to be strong".

 

You can see where this is going. Out of these four choices, the best ones are the ones where you are strong. Strength, warmth and humanity on your part right now will make the relationship, if it survives, a much stronger and better one. If it does not survive, it will make you a much stronger and better person.

 

Words are easy, like the wind ... I know. Actions are hardest.

 

(hug)

 

M

[marsbars]

If you are going to try MC then make sure that you go in with an open mind. A good MC will have strict ground rules as to how the discussions go. And really work on what they tell you to outside the sessions. But it will only work if both of you are both willing to work as hard as the other. I have been down this road, and for my wife and I it brought out a lot of issues and we were able to solve them. However it isn't a cure. You have to work hard at it from day one. We did very well for about 3 years afterward. But sadly now things are at the end and to tell the truth neither of us are willing to try to work things out. I hope that you make progress. And even if you don't you will still come out a better person.

[What_Next]

Marsbars thank you for taking the time to respond. That is my one fear right now that my wife is not really going to give the MC a full chance. However, that is beyond my control. I know I am. I am willing to attempt to learn a lot about myself and change my behavior if necessary.

 

I'm not sure where her head is at right now. I just don't know, nor can I control that. As you say I am hoping that at worse we do decide to seperate but we both come out the other end as better people.

 

Above all else we have to learn how to deal with each in a healthy way. We have a child, that will never change nor go away.

 

Tonight I am at peace and that might be because my wife is not in the house (nothing to do with this situation) and my daughter is here with me. On Sunday when I leave and go for a few days I am not sure how I will feel.

[marsbars]

Sad to say but when you leave it will only hurt probably. I know that I am always much happier and more at peace when my daughter is here with me on my weekends. But the moment that she leaves the pain comes back. But it is only temporary and gets a little easier every day. But it is the rollercoaster that everyone talks about around here.

Just remember that you were probably happy before her and that someday you will be happy after her. I have to tell myself that everyday, and right now I don't always believe myself. I have been married all of my adult life, so not being is a really huge adjustment.

Give the MC a chance and learn as much from the MC as you can. Trust me even if it doesn't work out you will come away with a bag of skills that you will be able to apply in the future. Also, look into some personal counseling for yourself if you are able. Even a few sessions can open your eyes to your own issues and how to deal with them. I did the same the last time when the STBX and I were in MC. I learned a lot and was able to over come a lot of my own personal demons. Not all of them but the ones that make life with someone else harder.

[What_Next]

So I type this post from our trailer at "our" favorite local Campground. We've been coming here for years and this place is chock full of memories. Perhaps I made the wrong choice to come here, but there is little other option.

 

I left today before she came home from their weekend activities. She actually sent me a text message that she passed me on her way home. We did speak a few times over the weekend, but it was basically business like.

 

We had a nice conversation today over the phone and that went well. It was upbeat and positive.

 

I honestly wish the MC session was sooner. As I am afraid that we will degrade before then. However, that is outside my control. I am trying so very hard to not call or text, but it is so very tough. I also know that it is making the situation worse and she says she "needs her space". I will work harder on that tomorrow.

 

I really wish I could get it straight in my head how to face the MC. I want to make the best out of it and I want to learn from it personally so that if this does not work out I can come out of it stronger.

 

Does anyone have any advice or experience with MC in order to take the fullest advantage of it?

[What_Next]

I decided to let my wife know today that I would be coming home tomorrow. She was fine with that.

 

She did suggest that she go somewhere for the weekend as we are beginning MC on Monday and she thought it might be a good idea for us to continue to have space. I do agree that space is a good thing, but I no longer want to be out the of house. I need time with my child.

 

Another day, another set of hurdles to overcome I suppose. Whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger right? Not so sure about that

[What_Next]

Today I am headed back home, and on Monday we begin MC. I haven't seen my daughter since Saturday and it is killing me. I am so very happy to know that in only a few hours I can give my child a big hug. For that I feel eternally grateful.

 

My wife is still being in my opinion cold and distant. She is still showing zero emotion. In fact she is continuing on as if nothing has happened. Perhaps that is what she needs right now and I will not comment on it right now as it will only hurt the situation. I cannot help feel disturbed by it though.

 

I used these few days to reflect, analyze and it has helped me tremendously. I am now at peace somewhat. I'm ready to face MC and see what comes. I need to be honest and say that I am not sure MC will fix our marriage and I'm ready for that as well. Either we BOTH change or it will not work. I no longer can be in a one sided marriage.

 

I am going to start reading and exercising each night to help ease my mind. I will continue to sleep downstairs and will give her "space". However there will be times when I will insist that I sleep in "our" room.

 

Cheers everyone, we'll see where this goes I suppose.