Some new friends....is it ok?

[AttillatheHun]

But do you know why women are like this? Because men make them insecure by drooling and oogling over women like the ones you see on TV. So when you're suddenly hanging out with a woman who clearly is (at face value anyway) more attractive than us, we wonder if you're secretly wishing you could be having sex with HER instead. And most often, you're at least THINKING about sex with the other woman.

 

For me, I will not be with a man who insists on making "new" friends with women. If it's a woman you've already been friends with, then we'll discuss it, and the same for me with men. But when you commit yourself to someone else, it becomes about me AND you, not just what you want.

 

If you, as a man, can't understand why a woman would feel threatened and worse wouldn't CARE about your girlfriend's feelings, then maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship.

 

Ahahahaha!

 

Maybe you should learn to read? Look at my original posting.

 

Did I say I was hanging out with this woman? No.

I drool and oogle over women I see on TV? Wow, a wild sterotypical assumption of me, based on what facts? I barely watch TV at all.

Did I insist on making friends with this woman? No.

Do I secretly have fantasies about other women? You are basing that on what facts? For the record anyway, a big N-O.

 

To sum up, you just proved my point all the more. That is, you made several false assumptions about my character and who I am as a male, and a person. Sure, I can understand how a woman (or man) feels threatened, but it never justifies the reaction/attitude of which this thread is discussing.

 

Maybe YOU shouldn't be in a relationship if you are going to be ignorant as this.

[AttillatheHun]

I will try to respond, but "no speaka de English well" eh?"

 

Also, what the hell is this? Why did you have to bring race into this? I could argue that this says a lot about your character.

[AttillatheHun]

Wow, some of the "advice" on this thread is totally out of line. nmchica, I think it is inappropriate of your BF to add this girl to his FB and then yell at you and refuse to delete her. There was a thread recently in this section or maybe in the marriage one about a girl who was adding male "friends" to FB and her husband had a problem with it but she refused to delete them. Almost EVERYONE in there said she was wrong to be adding other guys and that she should respect her husband's wishes and delete them. I'm not sure what the big difference is from your situation and hers, and why you are "psycho" for not being comfortable with your BF randomly adding a girl he DOESN'T EVEN KNOW but finds attractive.

 

I think it is a bad sign that your BF doesn't seem to care about your feelings in this matter at all. Frankly, even if I thought my BF was over-reacting, his feelings & happiness come WAY before some random hot guy on facebook. I would delete the guy who was making him uncomfortable immediately. Afterwards we may have a talk about why he felt so insecure & stuff, but I think most of us would be uncomfortable if our partner started adding random hot people they barely knew to their fb. (Yes, even the dbags in here that are insisting you're crazy, controlling, etc.)

 

Again, I think you need to read the original posting. It was stated that she was a student in his class. So it was no 'random' adding. In fact, I don't think ANY friend on facebook is a random adding .

 

Lets get down to the facts. They were going through a difficult time in their relationship, and the OP happened to notice, in her opinion, a particularly 'attractive' girl on his list of FACEBOOK friends. How trivial-sounding can you get? Would it make a difference if she was ugly? Why don't the ugly girls pose a threat?

 

Yep, I totally agree. Just because some particular girl on his Facebook happens to be physically good looking, it MUST mean he is deviating from the relationship. Wait a minute, it reminds me, I should go on my facebook and see if my girlfriend has any good looking guys on her friend list!!!

 

Duh.

 

If your partner is constantly in contact with a female friend, or 'hanging' out as Stace79 put it, then yes, you have cause to be worried. But if the matter happens to be brief or innocent run-ins, or a 'friend' (on the ridiculously huge list of 'friends' that everyone has on facebook) then yes, you are overreacting.

Edited June 8, 2010 by AttillatheHun

[RedRussian]

Yea Crazy begat Crazy Here, the OP saw that she was Crazy and left. Left to deal with that very tough condition for women, all over the world, and we Men care a lot to stop this terrible decease on our planet.

 

But then we have an ignorant type of Crazy that took her place. it is a world in motion.

[nmchica]

Thank you for the replies, everyone. My bf and I talked about it, talked about my past issues w/ the ex, he told me he only wants to be w/ me.....and I felt better. But it started really bothering me again that he has no real need to be friends with this girl and my feelings/unease about this situation are far greater than his concern about "where her life is going".......his reasoning for being friends with her.

 

Well....we got into it again. I am ashamed to say, that I brought it up again, but something really bothers me about the fact that he won't defriend her, but if something were bothing HIM this much, he would demand some sort of action be taken. For example:

 

I kind of mentioned this in my first post...but I met a guy right before I met my bf who tried to hook up with me, but I wasn't interested. He found me on facebook shortly after, would write comments on my wall, and send me messages, texts, emails...trying to get me to meet up with him again. He is very succesful and would offer to fly me to where he is. But he is far away and I'm not interested, so as far as I am concerned, he poses NO threat whatsoever. Very shortly after, my bf and I started seeing each other. Then we started dating. Then we became "facebook official" with the relationship status change for all to see, but this guy didn't seem too phased. He still publicly wrote things to me....but his comments were not overtly hitting on me or saying anything outright inappropriate. They were more implied...which made it awkward for me to say something along the lines of "don't talk to me like that, I have a bf" (which he could clearly see anyway). This is when I would ignore his comments, hoping he would get the message. My bf, however, was completely outraged by this and insisted I tell him I have a bf (again, something he can clearly see for himself...). Finally I did and the comments slowed, but he still pops up out of the woodwork from time to time. He has yet to say anything outright inappropriate, but almost every time he pops up, there's a fight.

 

I tried to explain to my bf that I don't even talk to this guy and I am NOT interested in him one bit...but he still views this guy as a "threat". I told him that the only way this guy could possibly be a "threat" is if he (bf) doesn't trust ME. Otherwise, this guy is just annoying and an idiot. But not a THREAT. He still insists that if I contact this guy or ever hang out with him, we're through.

 

I feel this is an extremely harsh ultimatum given that I have literally done nothing wrong. It is all this guy. Yet, I get the ultimatum. Well, now I'm feeling really f*cking uneasy about a random person in HIS life that I see as a threat of somekind, stupid as it may be. He insists that the difference is that there is no contact with this girl (she's not hitting on him or vice versa), unlike the other guy who is "clearly hitting on me". He insists that he only added her to see where she goes in life, and that's all. He doesn't care about her, look at her, or contact her.

 

So my question is....if you don't care about her, what's the problem defriending her? I think his unwillingness to do so is a huge double standard. But he insists that it's not even comparable because the other guy was hitting on me. Then he mentioned that this guy was doing so where "everyone can see" and he doesn't care if he emails me (since he can't see that), he doesn't like that he does it publicly like that b/c it's extremely insulting and rude to both of us. The fight completely snowballed and I felt so angry and frustrated that I said "if you don't defriend her, we're through". I basically threw back the same kind of ultimatum he gave me. He said he can't do that, he has too much self respect for me to tell him what to do. Yet he can tell me what to do??? So now we're left in limbo and I still feel like this is a huge double standard and everything we talked about the other day has gone right out the window. I feel completely uneasy about this girl/enraged/eaten up w/ jealousy and anger...all over again. I hate this feeling.

 

I honestly need peoples' opinions/advice here. Is this a double standard??? Sure feels like one, but maybe I'm wrong??? Is it comparable or not?? I really honestly don't know. And I feel like if that's his response to MY ultimatum that I threw at him, then maybe I haven't had much self-respect all along by adhering to his?

 

I would greatly appreciate legitimate advice/opinions. Not insults. Thanks. ...And sorry for another extremely long post..

[that girl]

A lot of people are beating up the original poster because of their own feelings about jealous women, but the post doesn't make her seem crazy.

 

#1- He didn't just add a stranger, he specifically said that he immediately mentioned how hot she is to his roommate. That sounds a little iffy to me. Also most TAs and Profs do not friend their students. If they do it is usually just accepting a request, not singling them out. Professionally this is even a bit iffy.

 

#2 (The big one)- The BF has made her tell off guys who hit on her. It wasn't enough for her to say no, she had to make a big thing out of it.

 

Whatever standards people have for their relationships should be mutually agreed on. The BF demands that any guy who is a "threat" be called out, but she can't demand he remove a random hot girl from Facebook?

 

These two need to have a talk and agree on some ground rules. The BF can't demand more than he is willing to give.

[AttillatheHun]

Wow, you are missing the point.

 

I am sorry to say nmchica, but your boyfriend is spot on. His jealousy and anger is understandable, and based on factual grounds i.e. you said you had guys on facebook more-or-less 'hitting' on you, despite the fact that they can clearly see (as you mentioned) that you're in a relationship. I think any partner- man, woman or dog- would be outraged by this.

 

But I do understand that you are not to blame for these guys having an attraction to you. The reason the bf makes those boundaries is quite clear- you know what these interested parties think of you, thus any move towards them by you could only 'encourage' those wanting to have their way with you. I think that is pretty much a common, unwritten rule in most relationships where monogamy is the rule.

 

Im my opinion, this girl that he has added is probably an acquaintance or someone that he might make small chat to if he ran into them. The reason he says 'he doesn't care about her' is simply his way of saying 'she is insignificant in my life, you have nothing to worry about'. But he is right in the sense that he, or this girl that he has added, have done nothing to disrespect your relationship with him. But it was the other way around in your case, with those guys being disrespectful of your relationship with him. If he submits to your demands to 'defriend' this girl, and for no particular good reason, then it means that he is under your control. If she was 'hitting' on him, or he 'hitting' on her, then fair enough, you would be on reasonable grounds to make such demands.

 

When you are making demands based on irrational logic = possessiveness. Possessiveness = resentment. Resentment = end of relationship.

Edited June 9, 2010 by AttillatheHun

[RedRussian]

When you are making demands based on irrational logic = possessiveness. Possessiveness = resentment. Resentment = end of relationship.

 

Yoda could not have said it better.

 

Come down, stop being crazy controlling GF and one more thing, you gave him ultimatum and did not follow through now he knows your future ultimatums will be just hot BS air so you know. When he gave his, he was ready to leave he was free from you, but you can't, your weakness is clear to him.

[stace79]

So my question is....if you don't care about her, what's the problem defriending her? I think his unwillingness to do so is a huge double standard. But he insists that it's not even comparable because the other guy was hitting on me. Then he mentioned that this guy was doing so where "everyone can see" and he doesn't care if he emails me (since he can't see that), he doesn't like that he does it publicly like that b/c it's extremely insulting and rude to both of us. The fight completely snowballed and I felt so angry and frustrated that I said "if you don't defriend her, we're through". I basically threw back the same kind of ultimatum he gave me. He said he can't do that, he has too much self respect for me to tell him what to do. Yet he can tell me what to do??? So now we're left in limbo and I still feel like this is a huge double standard and everything we talked about the other day has gone right out the window. I feel completely uneasy about this girl/enraged/eaten up w/ jealousy and anger...all over again. I hate this feeling.

 

All insults to you or anyone else aside, I think the real issue is that he asked you to defriend someone, and even though you thought he was being unreasonable, you did it for him. Yet he will not do the same for you.

 

I don't think you're being unreasonable, because you're not asking him to never be friends with or talk to any female ever. Just this particular girl.

 

My personal opinion is that there is no compromise here in your situation. You are going to continue to feel uneasy about his "friendship" with that girl. He is refusing to delete her as a friend. You are going to continue to feel slighted because -- in your mind -- you're feeling that you are less important to him than this other girl.

 

Only you can know for sure in your mind if you can accept this or not. I couldn't. So when I was in this situation, I broke up with my bf. When he realized I wasn't playing around, he gladly stopped talking to the girl with whom I had issues.

 

Even though there are several (men) people here who disagree with me, when you enter a relationship, sometimes you may have to make some compromises that you think are slightly unreasonable in the best interest of your relationship and your partner. If this guy isn't willing to do that, he either doesn't really love you or maybe doesn't understand what it means to make that commitment to you.

[stace79]

Wow, you are missing the point.

 

I am sorry to say nmchica, but your boyfriend is spot on. His jealousy and anger is understandable, and based on factual grounds i.e. you said you had guys on facebook more-or-less 'hitting' on you, despite the fact that they can clearly see (as you mentioned) that you're in a relationship. I think any partner- man, woman or dog- would be outraged by this.

 

But I do understand that you are not to blame for these guys having an attraction to you. The reason the bf makes those boundaries is quite clear- you know what these interested parties think of you, thus any move towards them by you could only 'encourage' those wanting to have their way with you. I think that is pretty much a common, unwritten rule in most relationships where monogamy is the rule.

 

Im my opinion, this girl that he has added is probably an acquaintance or someone that he might make small chat to if he ran into them. The reason he says 'he doesn't care about her' is simply his way of saying 'she is insignificant in my life, you have nothing to worry about'. But he is right in the sense that he, or this girl that he has added, have done nothing to disrespect your relationship with him. But it was the other way around in your case, with those guys being disrespectful of your relationship with him. If he submits to your demands to 'defriend' this girl, and for no particular good reason, then it means that he is under your control. If she was 'hitting' on him, or he 'hitting' on her, then fair enough, you would be on reasonable grounds to make such demands.

 

When you are making demands based on irrational logic = possessiveness. Possessiveness = resentment. Resentment = end of relationship.

 

Stop and really think about this for a minute. If you are in love with a girl, and maybe even think you could marry her one day, is it really more important to have a hot student as your Fb friend as opposed to making your girlfriend and future wife happy?

 

That is the real question here.

 

There is not really any guy I wouldn't stop talking to if it really made my boyfriend unhappy. Because I love him and am considering marrying him one day. I don't have to have or NEED any other guy in my life (except maybe family of course).

[RedRussian]

He is not married to her yet so she has no right of property on his Manhood as of yet. She can cut it off soon after the ceremony. But, until he is a free man he can still do what he feel is right and talk to who ever he wishes, he is not a prisoner or married or under contract ( also see married ).

 

She is being paranoid because of unresolved insecurities, it is NOT HIS Fault and not his job to be a therapist and try to fix her insecurities by set actions.

[stace79]

He is not married to her yet so she has no right of property on his Manhood as of yet. She can cut it off soon after the ceremony. But, until he is a free man he can still do what he feel is right and talk to who ever he wishes, he is not a prisoner or married or under contract ( also see married ).

 

She is being paranoid because of unresolved insecurities, it is NOT HIS Fault and not his job to be a therapist and try to fix her insecurities by set actions.

 

So you think that your SO should not care about your feelings? When you mature a bit (and I hope you do), you will realize how little effort it takes to reassure your partner or show concern/empathy for his/her feelings.

 

As I've stated before, if you don't feel there is anything wrong with the above statement, then you either have never really loved someone or you should never get married.

[RedRussian]

Who is talking about being married? he is not, so he has no set obligations. If she does not like it she can leave, but trying to change who or what he is will not go well for both of them.

 

Maybe OP should "Mature a bit" and get a hold of her insecurities that are eating her alive.

 

If I was married I would do my part to keep the partnership together, but when I am single and not married, I have no obligations to keep others mentally healthy, not my job, not getting paid for it and never went to college for that. I have my own problems and my own life to deal with.

 

if she can't hang with me on a sane and logical level then maybe she should say so and leave me to find someone a little more emotionally Independent and stable.

[stace79]

Who is talking about being married? he is not, so he has no set obligations. If she does not like it she can leave, but trying to change who or what he is will not go well for both of them.

 

Maybe OP should "Mature a bit" and get a hold of her insecurities that are eating her alive.

 

If I was married I would do my part to keep the partnership together, but when I am single and not married, I have no obligations to keep others mentally healthy, not my job, not getting paid for it and never went to college for that. I have my own problems and my own life to deal with.

 

if she can't hang with me on a sane and logical level then maybe she should say so and leave me to find someone a little more emotionally Independent and stable.

 

But the OP's bf is NOT single. He's committed to a relationship with her. And when you're committed, HER problems become HIS problems and vice versa. If you're in a relationship with someone, married or otherwise, then your problems are shared.

 

EVERYBODY has problems -- you will not find a woman who doesn't have some kind of emotional hang up or baggage. Might as well get used to it.

[RedRussian]

you will not find a woman who doesn't have some kind of emotional hang up or baggage. Might as well get used to it.

 

This warning sign should be printed on an every woman, like a warning tag for cigarettes.Many Men here don't seem to realize it. And it's not Mens job to try and fix her mental hang ups, Men are not Therapists.

[stace79]

you will not find a woman who doesn't have some kind of emotional hang up or baggage. Might as well get used to it.

 

This warning sign should be printed on an every woman, like a warning tag for cigarettes.Many Men here don't seem to realize it. And it's not Mens job to try and fix her mental hang ups, Men are not Therapists.

 

So I presume you are going to spend your life as a single man then?

 

And just to note, all MEN also have some kind of baggage or hang-up, too. The key is finding the person whose hang-ups you can deal with...

 

Unless of course you're a narcissist who thinks he is too good for every woman unless she is perfect...

[RedRussian]

I am a narcissist who thinks he is to good for a Woman who got mental problems.

[stace79]

I am a narcissist who thinks he is to good for a Woman who got mental problems.

 

Hate to break it to you, Einstein, but you have mental problems, too. Have a lovely day.

[RedRussian]

My "Mental problems" can be dealt with because I am not an Emotional Wreck, like most women are. I can deal, but most women...can't and then Men have to deal with that as well.

 

Woman who is not govern by emotion will deal with her mental issues in a healthy logical way.

 

And i am not Einstein, I'm Socrates if you must.

[AttillatheHun]

All insults to you or anyone else aside, I think the real issue is that he asked you to defriend someone, and even though you thought he was being unreasonable, you did it for him. Yet he will not do the same for you.

 

I don't think you're being unreasonable, because you're not asking him to never be friends with or talk to any female ever. Just this particular girl.

 

My personal opinion is that there is no compromise here in your situation. You are going to continue to feel uneasy about his "friendship" with that girl. He is refusing to delete her as a friend. You are going to continue to feel slighted because -- in your mind -- you're feeling that you are less important to him than this other girl.

 

Only you can know for sure in your mind if you can accept this or not. I couldn't. So when I was in this situation, I broke up with my bf. When he realized I wasn't playing around, he gladly stopped talking to the girl with whom I had issues.

 

Even though there are several (men) people here who disagree with me, when you enter a relationship, sometimes you may have to make some compromises that you think are slightly unreasonable in the best interest of your relationship and your partner. If this guy isn't willing to do that, he either doesn't really love you or maybe doesn't understand what it means to make that commitment to you.

 

Once again, it seems that you can't read. Let me put it in simple terms for you.

 

He asked her to defriend someone, because they were 'hitting' on her.

 

She is asking the bf to defriend this girl.... based on what grounds? Her..... good looks?

 

This is not the same situation as you purport. He had reasonable grounds to request the interested parties be defriended. She does not.

 

I don't think you're being unreasonable, because you're not asking him to never be friends with or talk to any female ever. Just this particular girl.

So how many 'particular' girls in the future will he 'never' be able to be friends with? Just any girl that happens to be good looking?

 

you're feeling that you are less important to him than this other girl.

At the end of the day, the only person that is feeling that is yourself. You are basing that feeling on irrational and unfounded lies which is only making your life, and your partner uncomfortable. That is called insecurity. I mean.. come on! It is just some girl on FB! How paranoid and trivial can you get? No wonder he's irritated, she's creating threats in her mind that don't actually exist. Edited June 10, 2010 by AttillatheHun

[RedRussian]

she's creating threats in her mind that don't actually exist.

 

Women be Crazy!

 

Nice guys get a short end of the stick

[janie423]

Yea Crazy begat Crazy Here, the OP saw that she was Crazy and left. Left to deal with that very tough condition for women, all over the world, and we Men care a lot to stop this terrible decease on our planet.

 

But then we have an ignorant type of Crazy that took her place. it is a world in motion.

 

speaking of crazy, aren't you due back at the mental hospital?

[blueberries]

here is my 2 cents OP. you said it yourself in your first post that your bf is outgoing, friendly...now ask yourself if it is in his nature to just add people. i know a lot of people, male and female, who add people they barely know (they have hundreds of friends on fb)...why? i'm not sure why...maybe they just want to look cool on fb? or its a numbers thing?

 

if he's one of those types to just add random people, then chances are, you are safe and it's just your insecurities. BUT if he's not the type to add just anyone, then i'd say that he's likely interested/attracted to her in some way...and you're right, it may be that he's putting her on the back burner in case your relationship goes south.

 

what i don't understand is why he just doesn't delete her after you requested it. he doesn't even know this girl, she isn't a real friend, just an acquaintance...so i don't think he owes her anything. i think when people use that excuse "oh you're too controlling" or "you're insane!" or "i don't want people to think i'm whipped" it's just a cover-up because they don't want to delete or lose contact for their own agenda.

 

but i also agree with some of the posters as well....sometimes we blow things up in proportion and make a mountain out of a molehill. you have to try to look at this situation objectively...has your bf ever given you a reason to doubt him?

 

i don't know if i added anything to help your situation...but i understand the frustration...and i do think he should make you feel more secure about your relationship...but that also means you have to be secure enough with yourself and not reflect your excess baggage on him.

[that girl]

I am really curious how many people have been students or TAs in the post-Facebook age.

 

I was in school fairly recently and know a number of people who TA (known of whom were my TAs). Not one TA friends undergrad students. They all think it is an iffy uncomfortable practice and turn down any requests.

 

Adding a new attractive co-worker or fellow grad student wouldn't raise red flags for me, but an undergrad really does.