Girlfriend kissed another guy...long story.

[d_blade777]

The title is slightly simplistic. Here's the story best I can tell it.

 

My GF and I have a long distance relationship where we go to school 2 1/2 hours from each other. She doesn't have a car so I'm doing all the leg work and supplying the money because she doesn't have a job either. Something I never regret.

 

We dated for 9 months with me visiting pretty much every other weekend. Those 2 days together were always magical and the relationship was always very good. One fight occurred when I thought of transferring to her school and a "friend" of hers warned me of her infidelity. He didn't have any knowledge of anything current, but spoke of how she hurt some of his friends when they had "things," not relationships. This is both of ours longest' relationship and we love each other...or so I think. Anyway I didn't move down there because of credit bull****. We fought because I looked through her facebook messages and found some flirty messages with her ex. I knew they chatted sometimes and thought of how much worst they could be. It killed me, but we got back together.

 

Now 3 months later she was coming to visit her friends in my city, one of the 2 times this has happened, and we fought about how much we would see each other. There was miscommunication, but basically she wanted alone time with her friends, which she made up other excuses for, and I wanted to be included in the group, which I said up front. Now I understand the wanting to spend time with friends and keep that chemistry, but she didn't say it like that..I.E. I wasn't invited to dinner because she "didn't know where they were going." WTF kind of excuse is that.

 

I let it be so she could have fun. She called me after, so we could spend the night together. While this was amazing, I had a day and a half of pent up frustration over how I was being treated. So when she got in the car I calmly, but assertively told her I was upset and hurt that I wasn't invited to dinner because they "didn't know where they were going" Give me a call after you decide, it's that easy.

 

Anyway my GF reacts to uncomfortablt situations by shutting down. She did this. We spent the night either touching or 1 foot apart and there were miles between us.

 

The next day we met with her friends, ate breakfast and went to the beach. It was a pretty fun time, but this was all killing me inside still...stewing. So when I dropped her off with her friends so she could be alone with them, I told her that I wish she hadn't made my expectations so high about this weekend and us, and I wouldn't have been so upset.

 

She left and I went home and forced myself to sleep with nyquil. 4 hrs later she calls me and we argue for an hour getting no where. I'm 20 and she's 21 so she can go to the bar. Which was on the boards for the night with her friends. She goes out with them and it upset until halfway through a drink her and her friends start singing a song and start dancing. She dances with friends and some guys all night. This one guy in particular. Chris. It's his 21st birthday and he know her friends from my city.

 

After the club he was invited back to his place. They all party and she is slightly drunk and is talking with him for part of the night. There is a lack of places to sleep at this friends house for the 40 ppl drunk ppl there. So when he goes to bed in a bed he claimed he invited my GF. My GF says "OK" and thinks it's okay to sleep in this bed.

 

All the time I'm sitting at home waiting for any sign that she is okay, not depressed, calling me, or anything. Trying to sleep, but so upset and alone.

 

So this guy and her are "sleeping" in a room, with the door locked ("because of all the drunk ppl" GF quote) and he asks for a kiss, she thinks, accepts, and he kisses her...like a peck i'm told. He then asks for a second and she refusese. They sleep away from each other all night.

 

At 5 am I get a text asking if I know where my girl is at?

I call her frantically, no answer. I leave her a message about how I'm sorry, I miss her, and love her and hoping she's safe. (this is me assuming that she has run away to somewhere unknown and me not knowing she's drunk or went out.) I'm then told she's behind a locked door with some birthday boy. I call 3 times before she "wakes up" and answers in a slurred (sleepy or drunk?!) voice. I ask her what the **** she is doing. She says that nothing is happening and that it's the only place to sleep (it's not) and that I can't call her for 24 hours. I'm crushed. Taking more nyquil and failing to sleep longer than a half hour. Imagining all the things she's doing. Killing myself. I told her I trusted her, and all these drunk ppl are trying to convince me to come there and get her at 6am. I'm worried if I do that that I lose her forever. So I cry alone.

 

She calls me in the morning at 11:30am and explains the night, slowly and fully. Ending with that she kissed this guy once and that's it. I'm so relieved to still have her that rush to her and make up quick. We have a great day and a half together and then she leaves. It all comes crashing down that she kissed this guy...self aware...time to think...didn't apologize that morning...yelled at me...betrayed my trust...made me feel like I did something wrong. WTF!

 

So I can't really mad and yelled at her. She broke down apologizing a billion times and talking abou how she can't live without me and she loves me and she regrets it. She doesn't make excuses just saying she made a mistake and she was stupid. She'll do anything to fix it. She's visiting me tomorrow to talk, not that we haven't talked a ton.

 

I talked to the guy and he basically confirms her story except he says he doesn't remember too well and they kissed multiple times(not making out).

 

So now i'm stuck decided if she is worth it.

Can I trust her again?

Can I believe her?

How can we have a balanced relationship with her changing many things about her life?

When will she resent me for holding her back from friends and partying?

Do I fogive her?

Do I take her back?

 

Now I find out she may have been raped(she says so)...

And a rumor has been floating around my friends that she ****ed this guy that I hate and she hates...He's a womaning piece of **** and I am leaning heavily towards not believing this, but can't ignore it...

 

Someone please help me!!!!

[JustJoe]

Dude, get away from her now!! She cheated on you, big-time. She spent the night locked in a room with another guy, and you are OK with this? Take my word for this, she did way more than kiss him. she is not a faithful GF and you should dump her butt, now.

[d_blade777]

The sex with that one guy supposedly happened before she knew me and the rape happened like 4 yrs ago. (separate occasions)

 

I'd also like more than just an answer. Thoughts, insights, experiences.

[d_blade777]

Thx Joe, but I do love her and I feel she is sincere and telling the truth. The problem is everything else. How could she do that to me? She's not a very sexual person so I know sex didn't happen, but touching may have...like 10% I give it. She seems to be making the attempt and I just don't know if it can ever be the same...

[Cracker Jack]

Eh, I don't really know, man.

 

It seems like you're more into the relationship emotionally than she is, though. I mean, I understand how it feels to stress and go nearly crazy when you worry about what your girl could possibly be doing; it really is bad. What she did with the guy was irresponsible, plain and simple. I'm sure you can get past this, but you need to call her out on the "shutting down" aspect.

 

If she continues with that, how are you ever going to make progress with her? I dunno--it just seems like a lopsided relationship to me. And as much as I hate to say this--the idea of her doing another guy doesn't sound so surprising to me, based on everything you've wrote.

[Space Ritual]

Young Man,

 

I am afraid that you are fighting a losing battle. This is her summer of being 21. There will be more incidents like this over the course of the next 3 months.

 

She has already given you every indication that you are not as important to her as she is to you.

Look, I know you want somebody to tell you something...ANYTHING that will make you interpret these events in a favorable light. However you must trust your gut. You are in denial because of your feelings for her. But the writing is on the wall.

 

Mistakes are wrong lane changes, getting the wrong items on your sandwich at Burger King and putting your coat on the chair instead of the hanger.

While alcohol is a contributing factor, she knew what she was doing was wrong. She could have easily called for a taxi or gotten a ride from someone. she did NOT have to sleep in the same bed as the Birthday Boy.

By you asking after the fact of the Boy, they have had time to get their stories straight and just like any bad movie of the week, you bought it hook, line and sinker.

I think anyone here with any amount of common sense will tell you that more than just kissing happened behind that locked door. Even the Birthday Boy didn't quite have the SAME story now did he?

 

You are dealing with a liar at best and a cheater at worst.

On top of rumors and speculation there is usually a kernel of truth.

I am afraid you are in for a miserable summer if you hitch your wagon to this broken down mare and there will be 90 miles of bad road to cover.

Spare yourself this indignity now, for she is acting shifty, and you will be certain to hear plenty of more rumors about her behavior as the long hot summer drifts on. If you want to be miserable for the next three months and have her tell you just before labor day this isn't working out and she needs "space", then prepare to be stunned when you discover that all summer she has been a depository for other men's pleasures.

 

That is what you face if you don't strand up for yourself and refuse to accept this disrespectful behavior.

 

The curb...find the nearest one and dump her off at it.

Edited June 4, 2010 by Space Ritual

[d_blade777]

It's unfair for me to post this without describing my gf:

she's 21, 5'6"?, 110? cute blonde.

I know she hasn't cheated on my at her school because pretty much every night she would text me, which she can only do from her computer. She may be 21, but doesn't really drink...I think she's been at the bar 4 times since she turned 21 in October and twice were with her parents. Her ex that had flirty messages were from the first 2 months of our relationship and he lives in TX. We talk every night and have besides 2 nights for 9+months. She isn't a very sexual person at all.

[Cracker Jack]

But that doesn't mean she can't step out of the box, though.

 

And honestly, with it being summer, along with her age, it's very possible that she's doing different things. Not trying to burst your bubble or anything, but you have to look at things from a different angle. It really does seem like you're being in denial about certain things, and that's not a personal attack on you, considering most of us did the same at some point.

 

I just don't know where your relationship stands right now. What has taken place as of late within your relationship?

[d_blade777]

This is this weekend. She's coming to see tomorrow and she says she will do anything to fix our relationship...I just don't know if too much damage has been done. She does fit into the "good" cheater category on everything I've read about forgiving a cheater...

[Cracker Jack]

Well, I'd say your best bet is to have a long conversation with her in order to let her know how you feel. Aside from ending the relationship, that's the only alternative you have at this point. I wish I had the right answers for you, but this is a situation where only time will tell. She probably realized that the grass isn't greener, after all. I dunno.

 

But, I do hope things go well for you two.

[d_blade777]

I know I sound unreasonable. I have been cold and not held back at all about how I feel and how things are going. It's been really bad for her, IMO. Like i'm not yelling at her, I'm just stating facts and feelings and I know they are killing her. I have been unrelentless for 2 days about what she has done to me and she is still trying...I'm just trying to make the best decision, I mean she may change, but will it matter?

[mark982]

you honestly can't believe she just kissed him once, behind locked doors! not only that but you really don't trust her(with good reason) why at your young age would you put yourself through this crap. you should be out enjoying life, not wondering what your supposed gf is doing, and wondering what std she might give you. move on.

[Darren Steez]

Umm she's wants some alone time with her friends, yet you're in a long distance relationship? And who locks the door while they're "sleeping" if they is nothing going on? And she "accepted" a kiss, wonder what else she "accepted"? Not saying she did anything but such behaviour always provokes questions no matter what you're told. The fog of love may be blinding you at the moment but if you look at the cold hard facts, the answers and solutions will be very clear. If she's that into you then when you see her, she should want to be with you. If she has nothing to hide then it doesn't matter whether you hang out with her friends. If she really loved you she wouldn't be locked up in a strange room with a guy, if she didn't have enough self control to say no to a kiss and she's already exhibited cheating behaviour before what makes you think she had the self control to turn down sex, especially since you gave her 24hr leeway. Dump her and be with someone who wants to be with you, broken trust is very hard to fix, no matter the apologies and niceness.

[Chi townD]

Scare her with a polygraph. I've seen it work. You tell her that you want to believe her but you want things out in the open and start with a clean slate. Tell her you've scheduled a polygraph, ten questions or whatever and that will be that. You will be surprised that once you get in the car, a lot more of the story is gonna come to light.

[Dexter Morgan]

This story is a prime example of why I don't date partiers, bar/club hoppers.

[lkjh]

Dude really?

She cheated on you, treats you like crap and most likely went a lot farther than you think

 

What are you trying to figure out? If you have such little self-respect what do you expect from her?

[whichwayisup]

She calls me in the morning at 11:30am and explains the night, slowly and fully. Ending with that she kissed this guy once and that's it. I'm so relieved to still have her that rush to her and make up quick.

Sorry, I stopped reading after this paragraph.

 

Long distance relationship and the bolded part.. Now she knows how desparate you are to keep her in your life. She will now lie to you, whenever you start to doubt her.

 

It was more than just a kiss, and I doubt that was the first time. Sorry to say this, but this girl is untrustworthy, and if you choose to stay with her, you will get your heartbroken. Time and time again.

[jnj express]

Hey D Blade------THE D IN YOUR NAME STANDS FOR DOORMAT----am I right!!!!!!

 

You don't have a relationship----You have what your GF wants,

 

Believe me she had sex with B'day Boy

 

Read your posts---about all you do, in all of them is to grovel at her feet

[benB]

haha come on man, your making excuses for her. what she did was absurd, she slept in the same bed with another guy and locked the door? she talked and danced with him all night? those arent girlfriend qualities...dump her before she cheats on you again man

[Spectre]

She's 21. Some girls at that age want to be "wild" and "live life" and for some reason they think banging a bunch of different dudes accomplishes that. Sadly your gf is probably one of those types of people.

 

Dump her, she's lying to you and disrespecting you. There will never ever be a situation where she *needs* to sleep in a room with some guy. She should be sleeping on the floor before she sleeps in the same bed with some guy who isn't her bf.

 

Just dump her.