Threesome Think About It First

[asia2269]

Hey asia---let me know when you are able to take PM's---in the mean time-----In watching your BF, during your daily exchanges----do you notice anything different---clothes, how he conducts himself----how he spends his time away from you-----He seems to change when you question him on the subject of the OW----how does he change, at least what are you percieving-------He could just be keeping everything as normal as possible----just to keep you from getting suspicious------the 2 of you are not married, so he still has a right to his privacy---but does he spend time sending and recieving e-mail, or facebook, or my space, that is out of line, as to what it was prior to your setting up the 3some----I E, are there differences, you can percieve,--------If so what are they, and why do they bother you-----also in this discussion, cell phone, and messaging should come into play-----

 

JNJ Express He has 2 phones one is a radio at work and the other is his personal phone..But, the radio one is the one that he always has so to track that is impossible...We have had some discussions and he said that the last time he spoke to her was on a Saturday but the phone shows Sunday for 3 minutes...We were arguing last night and he still insit its over..He comes and tells me i'm the only woman..Trust me I have wanted to walk away so many times it's either he will run after me and take my keys...I can't wait for him to move to Arizona..I can't wait for peace...

[Trimmer]

Trimmer how do I unlock my PM?...

 

You have to reach a certain number of posts and time on the site before it will be available to you, and then you can enable it through your "My Profile/CP" function. Here's a comment from a site moderator from way back (Click on the little arrow to go review the whole thread):

 

Hi Trimmer,

 

Welcome to LoveShack.org!

 

Access to private messages is determined through a somewhat randomized function of participation and membership time. Posting large numbers of posts won't get you access any quicker, nor will waiting long periods of time. We limit private messages to those members who establish themselves as active participants on the site.

 

Anyway, until your PM's get enabled, you won't be able to turn them on. Once they are enabled, then you will be able to go to your "My Profile/CP" page, and under the "Edit Options" link, you will find the option to "Enable Private Messaging"

 

I'll also point out once again that if you become a Supporting Member, you will get Private Messaging capability immediately.

[asia2269]

You have to reach a certain number of posts and time on the site before it will be available to you, and then you can enable it through your "My Profile/CP" function. Here's a comment from a site moderator from way back (Click on the little arrow to go review the whole thread):

 

 

 

Anyway, until your PM's get enabled, you won't be able to turn them on. Once they are enabled, then you will be able to go to your "My Profile/CP" page, and under the "Edit Options" link, you will find the option to "Enable Private Messaging"

 

I'll also point out once again that if you become a Supporting Member, you will get Private Messaging capability immediately.

 

Trimmer thanks for the info I tried it and I don't have access to it...At least I know now what PM means and how to use it and where to go...Very helpful...

[jnj express]

Hey asia----what is the status, at present, of the relationship tween you and your friend----I E: Just exactly how would you describe it.

 

Why are you arguing with him about his contact with the other girl----you both know it is spose to be NC----and if he talked to her sunday---he violated your boundary----You tried to walk away, and he ran after you and stopped you---or took your car keys

 

He doesn't get to do that----if he is physically restraining you, or if he is keeping you there against your will by not relinquishing your keys---then tell him you want the keys now, and to keep his hands off you-----don't argue, or yell, just say it coldly, and tell him if he tries that again, or continues to try to stop you, you will call the police

 

You are letting him get away with what he is doing---that needs to stop NOW

[Reality Drip]

Three ways are a complicated beast. I agree with one of the other comments here that they may be better saved for casual connections and not committed relationships.

 

Clearly too late in this case.

 

The problem is he's tasted the sweet nectar of another while being with you and you consented to it. Now he feels like you green lit him to be with that girl and he wants his cake and eat it too.

 

Bottom line is if you're already insecure and have trust issues this guy then take a hard look at the situation. Decide if this guy, who is calling and texting someone behind your back, is someone with whom you want to spend your entire life.

 

Wrote a nifty article here if you're interested. Hope it helps

 

-Max

[asia2269]

Hey asia----what is the status, at present, of the relationship tween you and your friend----I E: Just exactly how would you describe it.

 

Why are you arguing with him about his contact with the other girl----you both know it is spose to be NC----and if he talked to her sunday---he violated your boundary----You tried to walk away, and he ran after you and stopped you---or took your car keys

 

He doesn't get to do that----if he is physically restraining you, or if he is keeping you there against your will by not relinquishing your keys---then tell him you want the keys now, and to keep his hands off you-----don't argue, or yell, just say it coldly, and tell him if he tries that again, or continues to try to stop you, you will call the police

 

You are letting him get away with what he is doing---that needs to stop NOW

 

JNJ we still live together and I am still his fiancee...So far no more calls from her and he swore he has not talked or called her since then...I believe him..I really love this man JNJ and I've been reading self-help books and asked therapist about the situation. I need to change me and accept my faults and TRUST again...For if I don't do this if me and my fiancee doesnt work out I might have trust issues to the next one if ever i want another one or anothe man..I'm keeping my fingers crossed...

[asia2269]

Three ways are a complicated beast. I agree with one of the other comments here that they may be better saved for casual connections and not committed relationships.

 

Clearly too late in this case.

 

The problem is he's tasted the sweet nectar of another while being with you and you consented to it. Now he feels like you green lit him to be with that girl and he wants his cake and eat it too.

 

Bottom line is if you're already insecure and have trust issues this guy then take a hard look at the situation. Decide if this guy, who is calling and texting someone behind your back, is someone with whom you want to spend your entire life.

 

Wrote a nifty article here if you're interested. Hope it helps

 

-Max

 

Reality Drip max that was a great article. You are absolutely right. Right now I'm playing russian roulette. Hoping to trust again and seeking help from books and online therapists..It will take time I have been cheated on 3 times that's a red flag that somethings wrong with me...I love your article infact I saved it on my files. Thanks!

[jnj express]

Asia---what do you really want????? What do you see as the end result of your relationship with your fiance???? If you are not giving up your job, and are gonna stay in san. fran. when he goes to what is it, phoenix, or tucson----how will the 2 of you handle a long distance engagement?????---Do you really wanna give up YOU, which means giving up your career to do ????what????----do you forsee yourself growing old with this guy????????

[asia2269]

Asia---what do you really want????? What do you see as the end result of your relationship with your fiance???? If you are not giving up your job, and are gonna stay in san. fran. when he goes to what is it, phoenix, or tucson----how will the 2 of you handle a long distance engagement?????---Do you really wanna give up YOU, which means giving up your career to do ????what????----do you forsee yourself growing old with this guy????????

 

JNJ EXPRESS He said he will fly one weekend here and I will go there the following weekend. JNJ I'm of age and at the age of 40 I really want a peaceful and family life. Just me and the man I love. Simple stuff. As growing old here is what I tell myself what if I'm sick and can no longer function will he be in a diffrent room with a younger woman or will he be beside me to take care of me? That's the only reason why part of it I can't see myself growing old with someone who would abandon me. So far there were no more calls or early morning text and redezvous. I am really hoping that they both stopped.

[jnj express]

Hey asia---If you are satisfied then go for it---just take plenty of time before getting married--

 

--If you still come around here once in a while and ever get your PM going---let me know how everything worked out--

 

--Good luck to you, and I hope you really do have a wonderful life from here on out----Be strong and take care of yourself first

[Reality Drip]

Reality Drip max that was a great article. You are absolutely right. Right now I'm playing russian roulette. Hoping to trust again and seeking help from books and online therapists..It will take time I have been cheated on 3 times that's a red flag that somethings wrong with me...I love your article infact I saved it on my files. Thanks!

 

Thanks for checking out the article. I wish you well with the situation!

[Choboto]

2sure that was awfully sweet of you to say that...I've been blamed he blamed me as well...I know it's a mtter of choice and one cannot be forced into doing something...That was a very powerful statement and I

really feel relieved that you saw this situation from a different angle...

 

what i get from this is you just want people to agree with you to boost your ego.

 

NEVER do 3somes in a relationship. you were stupid to try that and you paid consequences.trying to play victim wont work. fantasies should stay fantasies unless your single or **** like this will happen, someone will get jealous and paranoid, or someone may stray.

[Choboto]

JNJ we live together but he works...He use to call me a lot but for some reason he tries to call me a little bit here and there...He tries to find loopholes and I know he has so many things in his mind but he wasnt like that...He was thinking last week I confronted him and he still denies that they are still talking..Infact he said for me to prove it..I'm with him most of the time except when his at work and works on the weekend...I don't know but when I question him about it lets say he turns 160 degrees and is much sweeter and nicer to me..I know he has mood swings but its quite a huge turn...I want to find out...I did purchase a phone tracker thing but I cant program it on my phone for I dont know how to download the software to my phone and I paid...All I want is the TRUTH...Can you help me?...What do you think I should do...

 

Yes I'm in San Francisco...friend

 

you want the truth?.... you wnat him to say what you want to hear. what if he is telling the truth? what if he isnt talking to her? then you have the truth, and your acting paranoid and jeopardizing the relationship.

[Choboto]

Reality Drip max that was a great article. You are absolutely right. Right now I'm playing russian roulette. Hoping to trust again and seeking help from books and online therapists..It will take time I have been cheated on 3 times that's a red flag that somethings wrong with me...I love your article infact I saved it on my files. Thanks!

 

nothing wrong with you personally, you jsut cant be 3waying in relationships etc.

[JessicaB]

Ah jealousy from the one whose idea it was in the first place. I've experienced this firsthand, and you really shouldn't be mad at your bf.

 

My story: maybe this will help you to see it from the other woman's perspective. You are overreacting.

 

I had a threesome, if you could call it that, in college when I was living with two roomates, who were a couple. A night of drunk strip poker resulted in all of us being naked. So the rules were changed so the person with the winning poker hand told the two people with the losing hands to kiss, play with tits, etc.

 

At some point SHE suggests I give him a hand job when I lose the next round. So I start doing it (maybe five seconds), she stands up and runs out of the room and he gets up and runs after her and I can hear a huge fight in their room.

 

I'm like WTF?

 

Next morning she is PISSED at me. She confronts me in the kitchen and demands to know why I am not apologizing for the few seconds of hand job she asked me to give him. Again, I'm like WTF? For one thing I did not like this guy and we were drunk. More importantly, it was HER idea. She says she can't believe I'm acting like nothing happened and not apologizing and starts crying, runs to their room and starts throwing all of his stuff, clothes etc. out of the house in the front yard and says he is moving out.

 

Wow, I retreat to my room. She accuses me of trying to break them up and accuses him of not being in love with her and writes a letter about how they are now broken up and the engagement is off which she pastes to the front door. Then storms out and goes to the library.

 

He comes back and is like WTF is my stuff in the front yard? I try to explain it and long story short, the next few months were awful of them avoiding each other when not at work and it being very stressful around the house.

 

FYI: When she wasn't home and it was just him and I, did he ever make a move on me? No. Did he ever ask me to have sex? No. Did we ever? No. However she was always accusing him and me of having sex when she wasn't there. Its like, when she saw that he agreed to the hand job which she suggested, its like suddenly she thought he was going to be having lots of sex with people behind her back which wasn't the case.

 

What DID happen when she wasn't around, now that she was ignoring /or screaming at him he was very hurt and lonely and would come over to talk to me about what to do. Also he was a little more helpful, making me drinks (we were huge alcoholics), offering to share groceries, taking out the trash - little things. I chalked it up to biology where sexual contact makes men try harder to be a good provider for that woman. Whose fault is it this instinct was triggered in him? Hers. Eventually the semester ended and they were back together, I of course moved out.

But my advice is don't let your suspiciouns overtake you, remember how many times he has ever cheated on you before the threesome incident and if that number is 0 then you should give him the benefit of the doubt. As for the baby medicine, its like that male provider instinct was triggered by the sex you suggested. He had sex with this woman, instinctively feels a biological connection and provides for her baby. Not a surprise, and the lesson from this is not to trigger those impulses by suggesting threesomes. Is he banging her, having sex with lots of other women and throwing your relationship out the window? Most likely not. Hope my story helps.

 

Also as for the passionate lovemaking you described between them, don't forget you told him it was your fantasy to watch so of course he's going to put on a damn good show. Quite sadly, I'm sure he thought you would enjoy some sexy memories of him making passionate, porno quality love to some other lady to fulfill your dreams and impress you.

[asia2269]

what i get from this is you just want people to agree with you to boost your ego.

 

NEVER do 3somes in a relationship. you were stupid to try that and you paid consequences.trying to play victim wont work. fantasies should stay fantasies unless your single or **** like this will happen, someone will get jealous and paranoid, or someone may stray.

 

It's not an ego booster. I admit that I made a mistake. I never thought that the outcome would be like these. If someone tells you how much they love you would you take their word of course I did. But little did I know sometimes people are juts not strong enough that's all. I failed and found out that's it that's all. Fun to disaster. Yes you are right threesome should never had happened.

[asia2269]

Ah jealousy from the one whose idea it was in the first place. I've experienced this firsthand, and you really shouldn't be mad at your bf.

 

My story: maybe this will help you to see it from the other woman's perspective. You are overreacting.

 

I had a threesome, if you could call it that, in college when I was living with two roomates, who were a couple. A night of drunk strip poker resulted in all of us being naked. So the rules were changed so the person with the winning poker hand told the two people with the losing hands to kiss, play with tits, etc.

 

At some point SHE suggests I give him a hand job when I lose the next round. So I start doing it (maybe five seconds), she stands up and runs out of the room and he gets up and runs after her and I can hear a huge fight in their room.

 

I'm like WTF?

 

Next morning she is PISSED at me. She confronts me in the kitchen and demands to know why I am not apologizing for the few seconds of hand job she asked me to give him. Again, I'm like WTF? For one thing I did not like this guy and we were drunk. More importantly, it was HER idea. She says she can't believe I'm acting like nothing happened and not apologizing and starts crying, runs to their room and starts throwing all of his stuff, clothes etc. out of the house in the front yard and says he is moving out.

 

Wow, I retreat to my room. She accuses me of trying to break them up and accuses him of not being in love with her and writes a letter about how they are now broken up and the engagement is off which she pastes to the front door. Then storms out and goes to the library.

 

He comes back and is like WTF is my stuff in the front yard? I try to explain it and long story short, the next few months were awful of them avoiding each other when not at work and it being very stressful around the house.

 

FYI: When she wasn't home and it was just him and I, did he ever make a move on me? No. Did he ever ask me to have sex? No. Did we ever? No. However she was always accusing him and me of having sex when she wasn't there. Its like, when she saw that he agreed to the hand job which she suggested, its like suddenly she thought he was going to be having lots of sex with people behind her back which wasn't the case.

 

What DID happen when she wasn't around, now that she was ignoring /or screaming at him he was very hurt and lonely and would come over to talk to me about what to do. Also he was a little more helpful, making me drinks (we were huge alcoholics), offering to share groceries, taking out the trash - little things. I chalked it up to biology where sexual contact makes men try harder to be a good provider for that woman. Whose fault is it this instinct was triggered in him? Hers. Eventually the semester ended and they were back together, I of course moved out.

But my advice is don't let your suspiciouns overtake you, remember how many times he has ever cheated on you before the threesome incident and if that number is 0 then you should give him the benefit of the doubt. As for the baby medicine, its like that male provider instinct was triggered by the sex you suggested. He had sex with this woman, instinctively feels a biological connection and provides for her baby. Not a surprise, and the lesson from this is not to trigger those impulses by suggesting threesomes. Is he banging her, having sex with lots of other women and throwing your relationship out the window? Most likely not. Hope my story helps.

 

Also as for the passionate lovemaking you described between them, don't forget you told him it was your fantasy to watch so of course he's going to put on a damn good show. Quite sadly, I'm sure he thought you would enjoy some sexy memories of him making passionate, porno quality love to some other lady to fulfill your dreams and impress you.

 

Jessica I'm proud of how the boyfriend stood up and how he handled actually how you both handled the situation. You didn't take advantage of the situation knowing that she was ok with it for it wasn't ok. You and the boyfriend had lots of time to do it behind her back but you guys didn't . I guess your conscience and his took place as well. Some people don't care and would just do everything. Lesson learned. Cell phone bill don't lie. I was at a bar the other week and a couple young who have been together for 9 years and we had a talk. The woman was irritated that the guy has a lot of girfriends that call him. He said those were friends nothing more nothing less. But he did specify to his girlfriend now I talk and text the whole day most specially form midnight to wee hours in the morning then that is a different story. You and her boyfriend know how to set-up boundaries and they didn't. So far I live day by day and slowly tried to cap that incident. It happened for a reason yes I initiated it and I'm at fault. But they took advantage of it even though there was an aggreement as to how this should have been a fun thing that should never happen. Trust me a part two wil happen this time I'm not part of it. I won't take the blame this time.

[asia2269]

you want the truth?.... you wnat him to say what you want to hear. what if he is telling the truth? what if he isnt talking to her? then you have the truth, and your acting paranoid and jeopardizing the relationship.

 

 

I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. He wouldn't knowing her situation. But, if she didn't have a baby and her living situation he would have pursued her. I know this man he doesn't give up if he wants something he will do what it takes. He did that to her but when he found out her situation and all. He stopped. Given an opportunity that a woman who has everything he would bite it.

[BellaBellaBella]

Asia, how are things between you and the BF since the move to AZ?