NoIDidn't Posted June 4, 2010 Share Posted June 4, 2010 It was said in another thread that love in romantic relationships is a selfish love. That it is not alturistic love like that for family members and friends, but about how the partner makes you feel. I can agree with this to a point, like I did in the other thread. My reason for starting this thread was formed after reading a review on an Infidelity book written by a man that admitted he was the WS. He said that "the other person can and will turn on you if you don't do as they say". And his particular OW turned Bunny Boiler on him by outing the A at his home to his W and family (and probably even neighbors if they are nosey like that). I put these two thoughts together to ask, what makes one turn into the dreaded "Bunny Boiler". Is it that selfish love not being returned in the way that it was before from the object that was making them feel good? Did the MP turn the OP into a mad person? Or is that simply the mindset that was always lurking inside the OP to begin with? Personally, I think the last option is more likely - even with the manipulative MM. I've dated some guys that liked to use the mind****, but I walked away without turning stalker/boilerish on them. They just weren't worth it. (I've quoted a poster that I frequently don't agree with, but I am in no way insinuating that I think she is about to go bunny boiler. I just used her words/ideas. I also should add that I have no idea of where this thread actually fits forum-wise. I don't want to offend by my choice to place it here.) Link to post Share on other sites
MizFit Posted June 4, 2010 Share Posted June 4, 2010 It was said in another thread that love in romantic relationships is a selfish love. That it is not alturistic love like that for family members and friends, but about how the partner makes you feel. I can agree with this to a point, like I did in the other thread. My reason for starting this thread was formed after reading a review on an Infidelity book written by a man that admitted he was the WS. He said that "the other person can and will turn on you if you don't do as they say". And his particular OW turned Bunny Boiler on him by outing the A at his home to his W and family (and probably even neighbors if they are nosey like that). I put these two thoughts together to ask, what makes one turn into the dreaded "Bunny Boiler". Is it that selfish love not being returned in the way that it was before from the object that was making them feel good? Did the MP turn the OP into a mad person? Or is that simply the mindset that was always lurking inside the OP to begin with? Personally, I think the last option is more likely - even with the manipulative MM. I've dated some guys that liked to use the mind****, but I walked away without turning stalker/boilerish on them. They just weren't worth it. (I've quoted a poster that I frequently don't agree with, but I am in no way insinuating that I think she is about to go bunny boiler. I just used her words/ideas. I also should add that I have no idea of where this thread actually fits forum-wise. I don't want to offend by my choice to place it here.) My thoughts are it's rejection and how a person handles it. You don't have to be in an A to have a bunny boiler at your door...plenty of people who have been involved with other single people have been stalked or hurt or mentally abused all because they've rejected them. I even remember not getting picked for a team once (I was about 14) and I detested the girl who got the last slot...I waited all year for her to fail...I wanted so badly for her to trip going down the court or for her perfect blonde hair to all fall out. I hated the rejection and I felt it to my core, but I never acted on it. I've felt the same way with relationships...again, I've never acted on it. To me it all stems from the rejection more than anything else. I hope that pertains to the topic and is kind of what you're looking for! Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted June 4, 2010 Share Posted June 4, 2010 Well I believe lies and deceit can make someone turn into a bunny boiler, especially if they have low self-esteem or mental/behavioral issues. Believing in someone who isn't who you thought they were, whether that is your MM/MW/OW/OM or H or W. I believe a WS can make the BS feel like a bunny boiler too. I have been on both sides of the coin BS first then WS and I can say the rage I felt towards my H on D-day made me want to go bunny boiler on him:laugh: He got a lot of things thrown at him:o Now when my XOM ended things I felt literally sick to my stomach I couldn't believe it was happening to me, almost identical to how my H made me feel at D-day. Anyways it wasn't until I got a few closure e-mails from my XOM back peddling on things he had said to me and making me feel that I took our relationship to be something more serious than it should have been. It was at that point that I wanted to go bunny boiler on him but of course did not. The feelings were there though of wanting to make him suffer. Link to post Share on other sites
bittersweet memories Posted June 4, 2010 Share Posted June 4, 2010 Well I believe lies and deceit can make someone turn into a bunny boiler, especially if they have low self-esteem or mental/behavioral issues. Believing in someone who isn't who you thought they were, whether that is your MM/MW/OW/OM or H or W. I believe a WS can make the BS feel like a bunny boiler too. I have been on both sides of the coin BS first then WS and I can say the rage I felt towards my H on D-day made me want to go bunny boiler on him:laugh: He got a lot of things thrown at him:o Now when my XOM ended things I felt literally sick to my stomach I couldn't believe it was happening to me, almost identical to how my H made me feel at D-day. Anyways it wasn't until I got a few closure e-mails from my XOM back peddling on things he had said to me and making me feel that I took our relationship to be something more serious than it should have been. It was at that point that I wanted to go bunny boiler on him but of course did not. The feelings were there though of wanting to make him suffer. wow! So you were a bunny boiler on both cases. Link to post Share on other sites
StoptheDrama Posted June 4, 2010 Share Posted June 4, 2010 My thoughts are it's rejection and how a person handles it. You don't have to be in an A to have a bunny boiler at your door...plenty of people who have been involved with other single people have been stalked or hurt or mentally abused all because they've rejected them. I even remember not getting picked for a team once (I was about 14) and I detested the girl who got the last slot...I waited all year for her to fail...I wanted so badly for her to trip going down the court or for her perfect blonde hair to all fall out. I hated the rejection and I felt it to my core, but I never acted on it. I've felt the same way with relationships...again, I've never acted on it. To me it all stems from the rejection more than anything else. I hope that pertains to the topic and is kind of what you're looking for! Great point, MizFit! It is all about the person and how they respond despite the nature of the relationship. It's one thing to wish/think, doing is an entirely different story. In response to your post, NID, I believe that the tendency must have been there all along. Whatever games/lies/manipulation they may have endured during and after the A would (should?) not be enough to push an otherwise mentally healthy person over the edge. That being said, I don't believe simply outing the A to the W constitutes a Bunny Boiler. If so, then I've almost been one dozens of times. :D:D There have been numerous times that I thought about outing xMM as a means of revenge (justice?) for the lies he told about me and shots he has liberally taken at my professional reputation. Then again, his behavior indicates he may be pretty close to earning that label himself...hmmm... very interesting thread.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author NoIDidn't Posted June 4, 2010 Author Share Posted June 4, 2010 What you both posted seems to agree with my thought that the issue is within the person that decides to go bunny boiler. The lies and deceit might add to it, but its ultimately the person's decision. I forgot about rejection. That's a good one. Thanks, Mizfit. I've been there many a time, unfortunately. And I know what it feels like to think "I'll show them". I've done the stalking thing, quite literally. But not as a bunny boiler. I wanted to be seen. I was hoping to jog their memory of the good times - you know, wearing the outfit I had on when we first met. I imagine I must have been pretty pathetic, to be honest. But that was when I was under 18. I see things done when teens a little differently from when we've (hopefully) learned better as an adult. And, yes, it doesn't have to be in an affair situation. I'm just more interested in the phenomenon as it relates to at least one person being married. I've known many a married bunny boiler. Link to post Share on other sites
Tommy's Girl Posted June 4, 2010 Share Posted June 4, 2010 I think the BS is only one who has a right to be a bunny boiler! Link to post Share on other sites
bittersweet memories Posted June 4, 2010 Share Posted June 4, 2010 Great point, MizFit! It is all about the person and how they respond despite the nature of the relationship. It's one thing to wish/think, doing is an entirely different story. In response to your post, NID, I believe that the tendency must have been there all along. Whatever games/lies/manipulation they may have endured during and after the A would (should?) not be enough to push an otherwise mentally healthy person over the edge. That being said, I don't believe simply outing the A to the W constitutes a Bunny Boiler. If so, then I've almost been one dozens of times. :D:D There have been numerous times that I thought about outing xMM as a means of revenge (justice?) for the lies he told about me and shots he has liberally taken at my professional reputation. Then again, his behavior indicates he may be pretty close to earning that label himself...hmmm... very interesting thread.... I agree with most of your input..except outing the Affair. If you out an affair because it's not going your way and pretty much you feel rejected by OP, than yes i consider that bunny boiling. Just because things didn't go your way you're going that direction. As far as MM lieing to you ..Come on you're dealing with a MM who is lieing to his wife. Why would he not lie to you? That should be expected! Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted June 4, 2010 Share Posted June 4, 2010 I had a 6 year relationship (incl marriage) and was nothing LIKE a bunny boiler. My behaviour was transparent and I reasoned and talked and was an apparently 'normal' person. I then met someone who (without my noticing at first) had a personality disorder, and was able to manipulate me (I'd have denied it fiercely at the time), and all sorts ensued. some of the behaviours I displayed towards him (albeit fully provoked) make me blush now. I don't need to tell you some of the things he has done, it's pretty textbook, but he messed with my mind so much I prayed to have a proper full-on breakdown so that someone would take me away and look after me and break the cycle. One of the last nights out we had resulted in me stealing his doorkey without him knowing (I had reasons, but they don't seem to matter now) and when he upset and was insulting me I actually kicked him, and we were out in public. There's no way I would ever have behaved anywhere NEAR that (and you're the first I have confessed it to) before him, and nor since. It makes me cringe and I see that person and wonder who the hell she is and how I dared ever behave like that, no matter what the provocation. I displayed a lot of bunny boiler behaviour in that relationship. Perhaps because it's me I'm talking about, I claim that the tendencies weren't there, they were cultivated by the ex. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted June 4, 2010 Share Posted June 4, 2010 (edited) wow! So you were a bunny boiler on both cases. I don't consider myself a bunny boiler, but felt like one on the inside (emotionally). I would never stalk someone or hurt them physically (well except for the few things that I threw at my H but they did not hurt him.) You seriously took my post the wrong way:p Edited June 4, 2010 by ladydesigner Link to post Share on other sites
StoptheDrama Posted June 4, 2010 Share Posted June 4, 2010 I agree with most of your input..except outing the Affair. If you out an affair because it's not going your way and pretty much you feel rejected by OP, than yes i consider that bunny boiling. Just because things didn't go your way you're going that direction. As far as MM lieing to you ..Come on you're dealing with a MM who is lieing to his wife. Why would he not lie to you? That should be expected! Wow...did you even read my post??? I wrote about the lies he has spread ABOUT me, not to me, and the damage he has intentionally done to my professional reputation as a result of my ending the A. As for outing the A constituting a Bunny Boiler, that term, like so many others, is being applied far too liberally. To be a Bunny Boiler, the rejected party engages in extreme and often dangerous behavior toward the object of their obsession and/or their loved ones. I don't believe that outing an A is necessarily an extreme action, much less dangerous. To compare words with the act of boiling a live animal for revenge is comparing apples to oranges. Let me be clear, I am not defending or advocating outing the A; I don't believe that it in and of itself deserves the label of Bunny Boiling. Link to post Share on other sites
MizFit Posted June 4, 2010 Share Posted June 4, 2010 I agree with most of your input..except outing the Affair. If you out an affair because it's not going your way and pretty much you feel rejected by OP, than yes i consider that bunny boiling. Just because things didn't go your way you're going that direction. I agree wholeheartedly... As far as MM lieing to you ..Come on you're dealing with a MM who is lieing to his wife. Why would he not lie to you? That should be expected! In bold... Link to post Share on other sites
califnan Posted June 4, 2010 Share Posted June 4, 2010 "Bunny Boiler" = Lack of faith in God. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted June 4, 2010 Share Posted June 4, 2010 "Bunny Boiler" = Lack of faith in God. OK, how do we interpret this one? The bunny deserved to die and we did not trust God to see to it? Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted June 4, 2010 Share Posted June 4, 2010 Gaslighting. It can drive anyone insane. Link to post Share on other sites
califnan Posted June 4, 2010 Share Posted June 4, 2010 OK, how do we interpret this one? The bunny deserved to die and we did not trust God to see to it? ------------------- No. After a failed relationship - the betrayed partner who tries to get reprisal or the last word - is showing lack of faith in God, for their future. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted June 4, 2010 Share Posted June 4, 2010 ------------------- No. After a failed relationship - the betrayed partner who tries to get reprisal or the last word - is showing lack of faith in God, for their future. But were was God when the 'bunny boiler' was being beaten, cheated on, lied to and stolen from. I'm sorry, but I don't think it's as simple as that. The psychological impact can be enormous. Link to post Share on other sites
Myowntwofeet Posted June 4, 2010 Share Posted June 4, 2010 OK, how do we interpret this one? The bunny deserved to die and we did not trust God to see to it? I spit out my coffee, literally. This is interesting and I guess in some eyes I would be considered a bunny boiler ( it's ok... I like bunnies ) After a huge DDay and months of trama for all parties due to a outside party - we mutually decided to be respectful of each other, and respect the relationship we had ( previous tense). I was clear what my expectations of that were ( and no it was not continuing the affair) and honest that I would not host the fence sitting, not sure, don't know scenario's. He did something that clearly showed he was not being honest in counseling, to his wife or to me. I did email her and shared the truth... nothing padded to intentionally hurt her and no "extra" details. I made a clear choice not to enable him any longer - and always told him that I would not tolerate lies. If she wanted to, that was her choice... I on the other hand, never thought it was acceptable. Considering what all three had been through, I believed we were both entitled to make that decision. Guess that makes me a bunny boiler... but as I see it. He was beginning to focus on his "victim" state and I wanted no part of that man - my demands out of the affair were simple. Respect and Honesty. I realize some will believe as the OP, I was not entitled to that - but I believe I am. Apparently, I was the only one that was to "respect" us..... yeah, not so much:confused:. Link to post Share on other sites
bittersweet memories Posted June 4, 2010 Share Posted June 4, 2010 But were was God when the 'bunny boiler' was being beaten, cheated on, lied to and stolen from. I'm sorry, but I don't think it's as simple as that. The psychological impact can be enormous. No excuse...There is other ways to handle it than boiling a bunny... Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted June 4, 2010 Share Posted June 4, 2010 I agree with that statement to some degree but I don't think being a bunny boiler can be simply blamed on a lack of faith. Link to post Share on other sites
Feelin Frisky Posted June 4, 2010 Share Posted June 4, 2010 There were two bunnies on my lawn when I got home tonight. I wonder if they're edible. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted June 4, 2010 Share Posted June 4, 2010 I agree with that statement to some degree but I don't think being a bunny boiler can be simply blamed on a lack of faith. I agree. I just looked up the actual word and definition states that it is a term for an obsessive and dangerous individual usually referring to a former lover who stalks the person who spurned them. It is a term used for a woman who stalks a male former lover. So what would a male "bunny boiler" be referred to? They don't get a label? Link to post Share on other sites
StoptheDrama Posted June 4, 2010 Share Posted June 4, 2010 There were two bunnies on my lawn when I got home tonight. I wonder if they're edible. Get the pot boiling, Frisky! We'll have stew :D:D:D:D Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted June 4, 2010 Share Posted June 4, 2010 My thoughts are it's rejection and how a person handles it. You don't have to be in an A to have a bunny boiler at your door...plenty of people who have been involved with other single people have been stalked or hurt or mentally abused all because they've rejected them. Excellent post Mizfit!! Well I believe lies and deceit can make someone turn into a bunny boiler, especially if they have low self-esteem or mental/behavioral issues. Believing in someone who isn't who you thought they were, whether that is your MM/MW/OW/OM or H or W. I believe a WS can make the BS feel like a bunny boiler too. Excellent point LD! Gaslighting. It can drive anyone insane. Totally agree marlena!! Good topic NID!!! "Bunny Boiler" = Lack of faith in God. And can we keep this on topic without all the religion thrown in? I don't believe this term is even in the bible. Link to post Share on other sites
Feelin Frisky Posted June 4, 2010 Share Posted June 4, 2010 Get the pot boiling, Frisky! We'll have stew :D:D:D:D LOL. Got some blackbirds in the yard for a pie too. Link to post Share on other sites
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