Visiting GF's ex's family??

[Intheruff]

I am living with my GF and she has a daughter from a previous marriage. The other day my GF brought up the fact that we should go and visit her ex's family who live in another state as a trip (meaning staying for a few days). I feel really uncomfortable doing this because I don't know if I really want to meet these people. I don't have any problem with my GF's daughter going down to visit them, it's her family. It's her cousins, aunt's and uncle's, as well as, grandmother BUT all are on my GF's ex's side of the family. My GF's ex see's his daughter about once or twice a month. I figure he can take her down when he goes to see them. We've sent my GF's daughter alone before. Don't see the reason or why we all have to go. My GF still stays in contact with her ex's family, more or less, just for her daughter's sake. This is fine with me too. I don't have a problem with that. But I think it's going overboard with going to visit them as a "family".

 

Tell me what's wrong with this picture, if anything. I could be wrong but I can't see it.

 

thanks in advance.

[cdn]

I don't see anything wrong. In fact, it's nice that your gf has apparently managed to maintain a good relationship with her ex's family inspite of divorcing their son. This is espcially nice for her daughter, too.

 

What are your reasons fr not wanting to go? Are you just uncomfortable meeting her ex's family or is there something more to it? Frankly, I think it is very encouraging that your gf wants to visit her ex's family with her own, new, family.

[Intheruff]

As I stated, I don't have any problem with my GF staying in contact with her ex's family. I think it's nice too that she has stayed in contact with her ex's family for her daughters sake. My GF talks very briefly with them, but mostly just hands the phone to her daughter so that she can speak to them.

 

I guess it's the weird factor. At least for me. Yes, it is uncomfortable to meet them.

 

Curious, why do you think it's encouraging to visit her ex's family? What positive outcome can come from this meeting, if any?

 

Just trying to see this from all sides but falling short.

[cdn]

Curious, why do you think it's encouraging to visit her ex's family? What positive outcome can come from this meeting, if any?

 

I think it's a good thing that she is both keeping her daughter close to her ex's family while simultaneously making it clear to them that she has moved on and has a new SO in her life. It would appear that she is striving for a healthy freindship with them. Sounds to me like your gf has her head on straight and her priorities in order.

 

If you've spent any time at all here on LS, you will see that one of the great sources of confusion and pain stems from one party of the relationship maintaining ties with an ex (or friends of the ex or relatives of the ex) and keeping the new SO in the closet.

 

Just curious: what was the impetus for this trip?

[Intheruff]

But don't you think the responsiblity of keeping her ex's family close to her daughter, fall under the ex? I mean, it's his family.

 

As for making it clear that she has moved on. Why even bother? I look at it from the stand point of "Hey look, I found someone better then your son!"......their marriage did not end on friendly terms. Let's just say that they both have a restraining order against each other.

 

The whole thing about the trip began when we were discussing vacations for this summer. We are in a tight budget because we are saving for a house so we thought we will do only local trips via car. She dropped this out of the blue. Really caught me off guard.

[cdn]

But don't you think the responsiblity of keeping her ex's family close to her daughter, fall under the ex? I mean, it's his family.

 

No, I don't. Maybe the ex doesn't do a good job of this. Or maybe the daughter wants to see her grandpaents more often. Either way, your gf is right to put her daughter's needs above her disagreements with her ex. You can't divvy up responsibility for children the way you can the living room furniture.

 

As for making it clear that she has moved on. Why even bother? I look at it from the stand point of "Hey look, I found someone better then your son!"

 

Oh. Do you know that this is what's going on? If so, this is another kettle of fish. I thought she was bringing you in a matter-of-fact sort of way, not to prove something. Are you certain it's the latter and not the former?

 

......their marriage did not end on friendly terms. Let's just say that they both have a restraining order against each other.

 

Ohhhhhh....

On the other hand, very few marriages end on friendly terms (although it's true that restraining orders are not needed most of the time).

 

The whole thing about the trip began when we were discussing vacations for this summer. We are in a tight budget because we are saving for a house so we thought we will do only local trips via car. She dropped this out of the blue. Really caught me off guard.

 

Ok. You are shining a different light on the situation now. I thought the visit was for the daughter's benefit, not as a substitute vacation for you and your gf. So the plan would be for you to stay at the ex's family's house? What is the relationship between the ex and his family?

 

To change the subject slightly: I think there are lots of "mini-vacations" you can plan that don't involve past or future in-laws. In fact, Family Fun magazine did a feature story on exactly this -- "vacations" that don't require leaving home -- geared specifically to folks with children. You might want to look through their archives for ideas.

[FolderWife]

Maybe her daugher wants to spend the night at grandma's

 

Maybe she doesn't want her daughter to spend the night there alone (because she'll miss her or something)

 

Maybe she needs to go with her daughter, but she doesn't want to spend 3 days and nights away from you.

 

Maybe she needs to go with her daughter, but she doesn't want to listen to her former in laws harp up and down how she should be with her ex, and not her boyfriend (if you were there, maybe they wouldn't bug her about getting back with him)

 

Maybe it's something as innocent as some of these suggestions.

[Intheruff]

Originally posted by cdn

No, I don't. Maybe the ex doesn't do a good job of this. Or maybe the daughter wants to see her grandpaents more often. Either way, your gf is right to put her daughter's needs above her disagreements with her ex. You can't divvy up responsibility for children the way you can the living room furniture.

 

Like I said before, I don't have any problem with her daughter going to see the ex's family. I would encourage it myself. But why drag me into it?

 

 

Oh. Do you know that this is what's going on? If so, this is another kettle of fish. I thought she was bringing you in a matter-of-fact sort of way, not to prove something. Are you certain it's the latter and not the former?

 

I believe so. Only saying this because before we moved in together, my GF baught an answering to replace her old one that stopped working. In the old one she had her daughter record the greeting. When she baught the new one, she wanted ME to record the greeting. This is before we moved in together. I thought it was kinda weird but I then realize her ex is allowed to call once a week to speak to her daughter. I guess he wanted him to know she had found someone new......I don't know. I could be wrong.

 

 

 

 

Ok. You are shining a different light on the situation now. I thought the visit was for the daughter's benefit, not as a substitute vacation for you and your gf. So the plan would be for you to stay at the ex's family's house? What is the relationship between the ex and his family?

 

Yes, the plan is to stay on the ex's family's house. Which adds more to the degree of uncomfortableness.

 

As far as I know, the ex and his family are close. He goes down to see them from time to time.

 

To change the subject slightly: I think there are lots of "mini-vacations" you can plan that don't involve past or future in-laws. In fact, Family Fun magazine did a feature story on exactly this -- "vacations" that don't require leaving home -- geared specifically to folks with children. You might want to look through their archives for ideas.

 

I agree. We have actually done a lot of mini-family vacations. We have always enjoyed ourselves. This just came out of left field.

[Intheruff]

Originally posted by Monday

Maybe her daugher wants to spend the night at grandma's

 

Maybe she doesn't want her daughter to spend the night there alone (because she'll miss her or something)

 

Maybe she needs to go with her daughter, but she doesn't want to spend 3 days and nights away from you.

 

Maybe she needs to go with her daughter, but she doesn't want to listen to her former in laws harp up and down how she should be with her ex, and not her boyfriend (if you were there, maybe they wouldn't bug her about getting back with him)

 

Maybe it's something as innocent as some of these suggestions.

 

 

As I stated in my first thread, my GF's daughter has stayed there before. Last year she stayed for a week.

 

As for the former in laws wanting her to go back to her ex, it's a little late. He has found someone new and living with her. My GF's daughter stays with them for the weekend about once a month.

[cdn]

Ok, I confess that I am totally confused.

 

So let's try another approach. Why does your gf say she wants to go stay with her ex's family?

 

I am probably the wrong person to give advice on this subject because I don't really like staying in someone else's house under any circumstances, but I can see where it would be awkward for you to stay with the ex's family.

 

I think you need to talk to your gf and see what's up.

[Intheruff]

She didn't really say. When she first braught it up, I started to say that I don't feel comfortable...she then just blurted out "It's reality!". I didn't know what she meant by that and the conversation just changed. She hasn't brought it up since.

 

I am confused right now. I don't want to seem selfish and be inconsiderate to her daughters needs but in this case I am not comfortable with the idea at all.

 

I guess, when it comes up again, I will talk to her about it.

 

Thanks cdn for your insight.