Multiple D-Days for BS and OW. What really is the difference?

[silktricks]

I've often seen OW's post that their MM has experienced multiple D-Days, with the subtitle of "I can't understand why his BS would keep taking him back." Then they talk about how they would never do something like that.

 

OK - so what I don't get is: Their MM has experienced multiple D-Days. Apparently on each of those D-Days the MM has gone to some effort to settle the wife down before picking back up with the OW. How is the BS in her effort to believe the man really any different than the OW in her effort to believe the same man?

 

D-Day happened. All is now known. This was the MM's perfect chance to tell his wife that he really loved the OW and wanted a divorce so he could spend the rest of his life with the woman he truly loved. He didn't do that. I totally get the confusion on the part of the OW about why on earth did the BS forgive him? (especially multiple times - let me tell you, I wouldn't/couldn't do that!) Why isn't she suspicious? She must just not care.....

 

I also understand the assumptions you make (or he has told you) based on that knowledge she has - she must not really love him, she only is interested in him for his money, she wants the status quo... etc.

 

So here's what I don't understand: Those multiple D-Days - they were rejections of you as well. You have done the exact same thing that you are aghast at the BS for doing, so far as I can see. You understood that he not only went back to his wife - but also went to ANY length to convince her that you were nothing and meant nothing to him, and you are willing to continue to be his OW. Now I'm not talking to the women who simply aren't interested in being a full-time wife/companion, I'm talking to those of you who really love this man and want to share his life, the same as the BS.

 

Why is it OK for you to continue to take him back when you feel it is not all right for the BS to do the same thing? I'm not trying to be nasty here, I was just thinking about it and realized that I can't really see much if any difference.

[Myowntwofeet]

I've often seen OW's post that their MM has experienced multiple D-Days, with the subtitle of "I can't understand why his BS would keep taking him back." Then they talk about how they would never do something like that.

 

OK - so what I don't get is: Their MM has experienced multiple D-Days. Apparently on each of those D-Days the MM has gone to some effort to settle the wife down before picking back up with the OW. How is the BS in her effort to believe the man really any different than the OW in her effort to believe the same man?

 

D-Day happened. All is now known. This was the MM's perfect chance to tell his wife that he really loved the OW and wanted a divorce so he could spend the rest of his life with the woman he truly loved. He didn't do that. I totally get the confusion on the part of the OW about why on earth did the BS forgive him? (especially multiple times - let me tell you, I wouldn't/couldn't do that!) Why isn't she suspicious? She must just not care.....

 

I also understand the assumptions you make (or he has told you) based on that knowledge she has - she must not really love him, she only is interested in him for his money, she wants the status quo... etc.

 

So here's what I don't understand: Those multiple D-Days - they were rejections of you as well. You have done the exact same thing that you are aghast at the BS for doing, so far as I can see. You understood that he not only went back to his wife - but also went to ANY length to convince her that you were nothing and meant nothing to him, and you are willing to continue to be his OW. Now I'm not talking to the women who simply aren't interested in being a full-time wife/companion, I'm talking to those of you who really love this man and want to share his life, the same as the BS.

 

Why is it OK for you to continue to take him back when you feel it is not all right for the BS to do the same thing? I'm not trying to be nasty here, I was just thinking about it and realized that I can't really see much if any difference.

 

Silk, you are right.

 

I can only speak of us;).

 

We only had one though. The difference is she found out about years of infidelity ( Tiger Woods level) all at one time and also about the EA/PA affair. To my knowledge she did not know of the years and years.

 

I don't call the second a DDay as we were not full on participating in an Affair. It took me a good 2 months to clear my head enough to realize that while we weren't - we were setting ourselves up to resume. He was asking me to leave a door open, telling me he did love me, sharing what was happening, etc. That is when I emailed her and told her - I never lied to her, just gave her the facts.

 

And for me, it was that second time that was 'enough' because you are right - he was playing us both and as long as one or both allowed it - it would be a cycle. It was rejection every time and in fact, when he went dark the 2nd time it was even more debilitating emotionally. Not only did I not see it coming the second time, but I was also beating myself up for NOT seeing it. Self loathing combined with rejection - not a pretty picture.

 

I couldn't chance a 3rd time, as strong as I am - I was not sure I would physically or emotionally survive. I love him, but enough to sacrifice my life.

 

The thing that I learned most. We are all different - and some can "take" more before seeing the light. They see it when ready and for me that was a long road, filled with head banging, pain and uncertainty. I questioned every belief I had and only now am starting to feel like me - still often find myself more jaded than I would like... but I am getting there and it starts with forgiving myself.

[silktricks]

and some can "take" more before seeing the light. They see it when ready and for me that was a long road, filled with head banging, pain and uncertainty. I questioned every belief I had and only now am starting to feel like me - still often find myself more jaded than I would like... but I am getting there and it starts with forgiving myself.

 

You are right, it does start with forgiving yourself. We all have lots to forgive 'cuz ain't none of us even close to perfect .

 

I hope you can avoid getting too jaded (although it is a very nice stone when you get one with quality ). Life's too short to spend too much of it on the "if only" train. You sound like a really great person, and someone I'd enjoy IRL. If you leave yourself open to possibilities, possibilities will happen - they may not be what you expect, but you'll have a fulfilling life.

[Myowntwofeet]

You are right, it does start with forgiving yourself. We all have lots to forgive 'cuz ain't none of us even close to perfect .

 

I hope you can avoid getting too jaded (although it is a very nice stone when you get one with quality ). Life's too short to spend too much of it on the "if only" train. You sound like a really great person, and someone I'd enjoy IRL. If you leave yourself open to possibilities, possibilities will happen - they may not be what you expect, but you'll have a fulfilling life.

 

Thank you, I respect you... and being an "ow"... your compliment means a lot.

 

I have a long way to go. There are still days when I am not myself and during the darkest part... I really was sybil:sick:... I couldn't understand my own behavior, let alone truly start to deal with it. It takes time.

 

I do know that I use to like me. I use to be fair and accepting of pretty much all ( child abusers and murders aside). I am finding her again...slowly but and I am trying to be more understanding of my own ups and downs ( there are still days I want to strangle him, or get caught up in " it is so much easier for him") far from perfect

 

I don't regret him. I am grateful for the chance to grow ( even though it sucks big time).

 

What doesn't kill you..... makes you stronger... I believe that.

 

I do hope they find their way... I don't believe it is together ( not in a healthy way) and I do find sadness for both in that... but, I can only control me and I can tell you..... while I am far from ready for another relationship..... I think we can scratch off "married".

[2sunny]

for a MM to stay with his BW two things need to happen...

 

1). the MM stays because this IS HIS priority (which tells you everything you - as an OW - need to know; and everything he's unwilling to say with words). IN OTHER WORDS - HIS ACTIONS TELL EVERYTHING.

 

2). his BW wants to believe what his words say to her so desperately that she's willing to see if he's changed. this is his words again - working to HIS benefit = in hopes that she will believe him, whether or not he changes is beside the point. some BW NEED to put there head in the sand in order to survive the affair.

[MizFit]

I've often seen OW's post that their MM has experienced multiple D-Days, with the subtitle of "I can't understand why his BS would keep taking him back." Then they talk about how they would never do something like that.

 

OK - so what I don't get is: Their MM has experienced multiple D-Days. Apparently on each of those D-Days the MM has gone to some effort to settle the wife down before picking back up with the OW. How is the BS in her effort to believe the man really any different than the OW in her effort to believe the same man?

 

D-Day happened. All is now known. This was the MM's perfect chance to tell his wife that he really loved the OW and wanted a divorce so he could spend the rest of his life with the woman he truly loved. He didn't do that. I totally get the confusion on the part of the OW about why on earth did the BS forgive him? (especially multiple times - let me tell you, I wouldn't/couldn't do that!) Why isn't she suspicious? She must just not care.....

 

I also understand the assumptions you make (or he has told you) based on that knowledge she has - she must not really love him, she only is interested in him for his money, she wants the status quo... etc.

 

So here's what I don't understand: Those multiple D-Days - they were rejections of you as well. You have done the exact same thing that you are aghast at the BS for doing, so far as I can see. You understood that he not only went back to his wife - but also went to ANY length to convince her that you were nothing and meant nothing to him, and you are willing to continue to be his OW. Now I'm not talking to the women who simply aren't interested in being a full-time wife/companion, I'm talking to those of you who really love this man and want to share his life, the same as the BS.

 

Why is it OK for you to continue to take him back when you feel it is not all right for the BS to do the same thing? I'm not trying to be nasty here, I was just thinking about it and realized that I can't really see much if any difference.

 

I agree with much of what you're saying...I can only speak of my situation though.

 

As a BS I did not (and still believe I would not) tolerate my H cheating. I never entertained the idea of reconciling...I don't quite understand how anyone can find the level of trust to do that, but I have learned a whole new respect for them since being on this forum.

 

Back to what I was saying...I couldn't do it because he told both God and I that he was my protector and loved me and would do all he could not to hurt me. He lied...he lied when he was making promises to me and to God. My MM has never promised me anything...he's done just what he said he'd do...we've been through 3 Ddays in the last 6 months and he's still at home. I keep seing him because our relationship hasn't changed. She's kept him through them and I truly don't understand her tolerance, patience, whatever it may be.

 

I am amazed, but I don't question it...I'm obviously willing to keep what I have with him so why shouldn't she?

[bittersweet memories]

I agree with much of what you're saying...I can only speak of my situation though.

 

As a BS I did not (and still believe I would not) tolerate my H cheating. I never entertained the idea of reconciling...I don't quite understand how anyone can find the level of trust to do that, but I have learned a whole new respect for them since being on this forum.

 

Back to what I was saying...I couldn't do it because he told both God and I that he was my protector and loved me and would do all he could not to hurt me. He lied...he lied when he was making promises to me and to God. My MM has never promised me anything...he's done just what he said he'd do...we've been through 3 Ddays in the last 6 months and he's still at home. I keep seing him because our relationship hasn't changed. She's kept him through them and I truly don't understand her tolerance, patience, whatever it may be.

 

I am amazed, but I don't question it...I'm obviously willing to keep what I have with him so why shouldn't she?

 

You are totally full of contradictions..

 

You did not tolerate your husband cheating on you but you are with a MM that is doing what your husband did. You are sharing him with another woman and that is A O.K with you.

 

Then you bring God into the picture how your husband promised God...blah blah blah. But what you are doing in God's eyes is a BIG NO NO.

[silktricks]

I agree with much of what you're saying...I can only speak of my situation though.

 

As a BS I did not (and still believe I would not) tolerate my H cheating. I never entertained the idea of reconciling...I don't quite understand how anyone can find the level of trust to do that, but I have learned a whole new respect for them since being on this forum.

 

Back to what I was saying...I couldn't do it because he told both God and I that he was my protector and loved me and would do all he could not to hurt me. He lied...he lied when he was making promises to me and to God. My MM has never promised me anything...he's done just what he said he'd do...we've been through 3 Ddays in the last 6 months and he's still at home. I keep seing him because our relationship hasn't changed. She's kept him through them and I truly don't understand her tolerance, patience, whatever it may be.

 

I am amazed, but I don't question it...I'm obviously willing to keep what I have with him so why shouldn't she?

 

I understand what you are saying - that your MM never promised anything to you, and in fact told you that he would not leave his wife. That does seem different - but he still is (at least apparently) rejecting you enough to his wife that she is "satisfied" to stay with him. So there are differences between you and the OW who is told repeatedly that the MM is his "soul-mate" and he is just waiting for the right time to leave his marriage - but there are similarities of rejection as well (at least IMO). But I'm not big on sharing and doubt that I'd be willing to be in the situation you live.

 

I don't/can't understand forgiving multiple betrayals such as you describe either. I get once - more than that is just not in any cards I'd be willing to play.

[fooled once]

Silk, I have always wondered the same thing that you have posted about. I read on here how the BS 'knows' about the OW because how could she not - all she has to do is look at the cell phone bills I find that funny because I don't know anyone who sits and goes line by line over the bill, especially if there are no 'extra minutes' being used and as long distance is pretty much free these days.

 

If these BS's 'know' as the OW likes to claim, does she know that the MM is continuing a relationship - a sexual relationship with someone else? Does she know because he supposedly told her or because she has evidence (as in photo's)? What do these MM say to their wife when she confronts him? Does he minimize the OW by saying it is just a friend, she means nothing? Or does he tell the wife he loves the OW, he spends nights with her and isn't on a 'business trip'? That is what I want to know - how much of a DDay are these DDays? Are they full disclosure DDays? And as an OW, what does that say about your relationship with him? Does he tell the wife "sorry hon, gotta call my mistress, I don't have time to take the trash out"? To me, if the MM is fully truthful with the BS about the entire relationship and the fact that it is going to continue, then in my mind the BS is 'allowing' it to continue. If she isn't fully aware of the entire truth, then she is still being gaslighted/lied to by her husband.

 

As for the OW - when the MM minimizes you to the wife on DDay, tells her you are the pursuer, tells her you mean nothing, etc., why do you continue to take him back? Is it because in your mind, he is lying to his wife and not you?

 

I agree with much of what you're saying...I can only speak of my situation though.

 

As a BS I did not (and still believe I would not) tolerate my H cheating. I never entertained the idea of reconciling...I don't quite understand how anyone can find the level of trust to do that, but I have learned a whole new respect for them since being on this forum.

 

Back to what I was saying...I couldn't do it because he told both God and I that he was my protector and loved me and would do all he could not to hurt me. He lied...he lied when he was making promises to me and to God. My MM has never promised me anything...he's done just what he said he'd do...we've been through 3 Ddays in the last 6 months and he's still at home. I keep seing him because our relationship hasn't changed. She's kept him through them and I truly don't understand her tolerance, patience, whatever it may be.

 

I am amazed, but I don't question it...I'm obviously willing to keep what I have with him so why shouldn't she?

 

But isn't the MM you are with doing the same thing? He has told you repeatedly he isn't leaving. So unless you don't want him fulltime and are content being the mistress, isn't he 'cheating' on you by minimizing you to his wife? Why are you so tolerant of what he is doing to you by choosing to stay married ---- unless you don't want him full time?

[Myowntwofeet]

Silk, I have always wondered the same thing that you have posted about. I read on here how the BS 'knows' about the OW because how could she not - all she has to do is look at the cell phone bills I find that funny because I don't know anyone who sits and goes line by line over the bill, especially if there are no 'extra minutes' being used and as long distance is pretty much free these days.

 

If these BS's 'know' as the OW likes to claim, does she know that the MM is continuing a relationship - a sexual relationship with someone else? Does she know because he supposedly told her or because she has evidence (as in photo's)? What do these MM say to their wife when she confronts him? Does he minimize the OW by saying it is just a friend, she means nothing? Or does he tell the wife he loves the OW, he spends nights with her and isn't on a 'business trip'? That is what I want to know - how much of a DDay are these DDays? Are they full disclosure DDays? And as an OW, what does that say about your relationship with him? Does he tell the wife "sorry hon, gotta call my mistress, I don't have time to take the trash out"? To me, if the MM is fully truthful with the BS about the entire relationship and the fact that it is going to continue, then in my mind the BS is 'allowing' it to continue. If she isn't fully aware of the entire truth, then she is still being gaslighted/lied to by her husband.

 

As for the OW - when the MM minimizes you to the wife on DDay, tells her you are the pursuer, tells her you mean nothing, etc., why do you continue to take him back? Is it because in your mind, he is lying to his wife and not you?

 

 

 

But isn't the MM you are with doing the same thing? He has told you repeatedly he isn't leaving. So unless you don't want him fulltime and are content being the mistress, isn't he 'cheating' on you by minimizing you to his wife? Why are you so tolerant of what he is doing to you by choosing to stay married ---- unless you don't want him full time?

 

Again, I can only speak regarding my A. She knows ALL of it, and I do mean ALL. She was informed by a third party initially not only about me, but of his entire past . initially, because he was not sure and we had no idea what else would come out ( literally the day of dday) he confirmed it all, told her everything and held nothing back ( I imagine he now regrets that).

 

But, I am not familiar with real multiple "ddays". As I said, once I understood that he was continuing to sit on the fence - I personally shared that with his W and also shared that I would not have any part of it any longer. As far as I was concerned that was cake eating. Both women clearly in pain and him still holding on tightly to both. She doesn't have to believe me ( neither do you) but in truth she knows as much if not more than most BS and she choose to sit back and remain.

 

More importantly, like I said earlier - it is painful for both... and everyone has their own level of tolerance. I too banged my head for another 6 months after dday.... wondering, confused, pain, not wanting to let go.

 

It wasn't until very recently that I sent a email - apologized for hurting his wife with additional information in January ( let's face it - while there were grounds and *some good intent, it was still painful and looking back slightly revengeful - I couldn't see it in it and I am not perfect) but also wished him well, told him I loved him and will always care and that the door was closed.

 

Not recommended, but it was closure for me with a person I cared deeply about - in the end all I really wanted was respect from him - I didn't get it, so I put the final nail in the coffin. BUT, I can still go out with a little self respect, knowing through all of it my feelings have not changed but my position has and saying goodbye properly and respectfully was important to me.

[SidLyon]

Again, I can only speak regarding my A. She knows ALL of it, and I do mean ALL. She was informed by a third party initially not only about me, but of his entire past . initially, because he was not sure and we had no idea what else would come out ( literally the day of dday) he confirmed it all, told her everything and held nothing back ( I imagine he now regrets that).

 

But, I am not familiar with real multiple "ddays". As I said, once I understood that he was continuing to sit on the fence - I personally shared that with his W and also shared that I would not have any part of it any longer. As far as I was concerned that was cake eating. Both women clearly in pain and him still holding on tightly to both. She doesn't have to believe me ( neither do you) but in truth she knows as much if not more than most BS and she choose to sit back and remain.

 

More importantly, like I said earlier - it is painful for both... and everyone has their own level of tolerance. I too banged my head for another 6 months after dday.... wondering, confused, pain, not wanting to let go.

 

It wasn't until very recently that I sent a email - apologized for hurting his wife with additional information in January ( let's face it - while there were grounds and *some good intent, it was still painful and looking back slightly revengeful - I couldn't see it in it and I am not perfect) but also wished him well, told him I loved him and will always care and that the door was closed.

 

Not recommended, but it was closure for me with a person I cared deeply about - in the end all I really wanted was respect from him - I didn't get it, so I put the final nail in the coffin. BUT, I can still go out with a little self respect, knowing through all of it my feelings have not changed but my position has and saying goodbye properly and respectfully was important to me.

 

I think we may have discussed our situations before.

 

As with your situation I found out everything on the same day (years and years worth) so haven't had true multiple d-days. However there was some trickle-truth towards me that went on for a while and there was a limited amount of continued contact between them which I found out about much later.

 

For many MM in affairs they are "supposed" to make a choice on d-day, but from reading this board they often try to continue the situation (ie both the marriage and the affair). This involves telling the BW one thing and the OW another. As far as I can work out a fairly typical situation is:

 

1. To the BW: I love and choose you - I'm sorry and will end it permanently with the OW.

 

2. To the OW: I love you and you only - but I can't leave yet because of (insert whatever excuse has always been used).

 

I have difficultly relating how either woman can stay with him after multiple d-days for all the reasons that have well and truly been canvassed by both sides on this forum. If we have another d-day then I'll experience it first hand and may have a better understanding of it.

[MizFit]

You are totally full of contradictions..

 

You did not tolerate your husband cheating on you but you are with a MM that is doing what your husband did. You are sharing him with another woman and that is A O.K with you.

 

Then you bring God into the picture how your husband promised God...blah blah blah. But what you are doing in God's eyes is a BIG NO NO.

 

No contradictions at all actually...MM has made me no promises whatsoever. He's broken no promises to me. We both stepped into the ring knowing exactly what the situation was and through some emotional times and lots of soul searching I'm happy with the situation at the moment...when I'm not (or he's not) then it'll end. He has as much control over the longevity of this as I do...

 

As far as sharing...he has a life with his W and I have a life without him. I don't sit around and pine over him...I date and I enjoy myself. If I were dating 3 single men rather than 2 single and 1 married would you be telling me I was wrong to be sharing? No...it's called dating and spending time with people and being single. I do share him I guess, but he shares me as well.

 

You're welcome to believe what I'm doing is a big no no...that's fine. I am of the belief, and have been all along, that the promise to God is made by the participants in the wedding ceremony. I've promised nothing to God about their marriage...I made promises about mine and was true to my word.

[MizFit]

Silk, I have always wondered the same thing that you have posted about. I read on here how the BS 'knows' about the OW because how could she not - all she has to do is look at the cell phone bills I find that funny because I don't know anyone who sits and goes line by line over the bill, especially if there are no 'extra minutes' being used and as long distance is pretty much free these days.

 

If these BS's 'know' as the OW likes to claim, does she know that the MM is continuing a relationship - a sexual relationship with someone else? Does she know because he supposedly told her or because she has evidence (as in photo's)? What do these MM say to their wife when she confronts him? Does he minimize the OW by saying it is just a friend, she means nothing? Or does he tell the wife he loves the OW, he spends nights with her and isn't on a 'business trip'? That is what I want to know - how much of a DDay are these DDays? Are they full disclosure DDays? And as an OW, what does that say about your relationship with him? Does he tell the wife "sorry hon, gotta call my mistress, I don't have time to take the trash out"? To me, if the MM is fully truthful with the BS about the entire relationship and the fact that it is going to continue, then in my mind the BS is 'allowing' it to continue. If she isn't fully aware of the entire truth, then she is still being gaslighted/lied to by her husband.

 

As for the OW - when the MM minimizes you to the wife on DDay, tells her you are the pursuer, tells her you mean nothing, etc., why do you continue to take him back? Is it because in your mind, he is lying to his wife and not you?

 

 

 

But isn't the MM you are with doing the same thing? He has told you repeatedly he isn't leaving. So unless you don't want him fulltime and are content being the mistress, isn't he 'cheating' on you by minimizing you to his wife? Why are you so tolerant of what he is doing to you by choosing to stay married ---- unless you don't want him full time?

 

No...in all fairness I know the situation and I've taken the decision to remain in it until I don't want to be. He is well aware I could walk away at any time and I'm aware of the same option from him. I have no risk in our relationship continuing...his risk is huge and yet he continues. He is desperately clinging to what he's desperately clinging to, but his actions don't say that's what he wants-you can apply that to both his W and I. His actions to me say he wants to be married and his actions to her say he wants to be with me. I'd love to have him fulltime, but that's not on the cards.

[MizFit]

I understand what you are saying - that your MM never promised anything to you, and in fact told you that he would not leave his wife. That does seem different - but he still is (at least apparently) rejecting you enough to his wife that she is "satisfied" to stay with him. So there are differences between you and the OW who is told repeatedly that the MM is his "soul-mate" and he is just waiting for the right time to leave his marriage - but there are similarities of rejection as well (at least IMO). But I'm not big on sharing and doubt that I'd be willing to be in the situation you live.

I'm a single woman who dates several people at once. I don't call that sharing...I call that dating. MM doesn't rule my life and I don't sit around waiting for his calls. I have a full work life and a full social life...I have great friends and I have a fabulous son. I enjoy the men I date and while I love MM I know the limitations of the relationship and choose to remain involved. I don't consider that 'sharing' any more than I consider it 'sharing' when I date other men who I know are dating other women.

As far as the rejection...see what I wrote in response to FO. If that doesn't make sense let me know and I'll try and explain it a bit better.

My situation is completely different and my feelings haven't been this calm and collected from day 1. It's taken a lot of time and communicating and soul searching to get to where I am now. In a perfect world we'd be together, but that won't happen so I'll take the imperfect version as long as we're both happy with it...when we're not then off we (or 1 of us) will go.

 

I don't/can't understand forgiving multiple betrayals such as you describe either. I get once - more than that is just not in any cards I'd be willing to play.

I couldn't do it either...once was more than enough for me with my exH. Sometimes I wonder 'what if', but I don't do regrets very well so those moments are few and far between.

 

My responses are in bold above...

[pureinheart]

Thank you, I respect you... and being an "ow"... your compliment means a lot.

 

I have a long way to go. There are still days when I am not myself and during the darkest part... I really was sybil:sick:... I couldn't understand my own behavior, let alone truly start to deal with it. It takes time.

 

I do know that I use to like me. I use to be fair and accepting of pretty much all ( child abusers and murders aside). I am finding her again...slowly but and I am trying to be more understanding of my own ups and downs ( there are still days I want to strangle him, or get caught up in " it is so much easier for him") far from perfect

 

I don't regret him. I am grateful for the chance to grow ( even though it sucks big time).

 

What doesn't kill you..... makes you stronger... I believe that.

 

I do hope they find their way... I don't believe it is together ( not in a healthy way) and I do find sadness for both in that... but, I can only control me and I can tell you..... while I am far from ready for another relationship..... I think we can scratch off "married".

 

Hey MOTF...you will get back to you and better. It takes time , healing, understanding of what you went through and why. It takes time to come to terms about how the R went and I'm sure you had many other stressors as well.

 

For me, I was angry at many points concerning this matter...exDM and I did have a chance at the bf/gf thing, well it just didn't work. He is very fond of me and I of him, although he killed a lot of feelings that I had for him and I don't think he did it intentionally, although it still hurt.

 

The dark cloud that seemed to follow me is gone and exDM wasn't my only stressor and I think I was looking for him to be my knight in shinning armour and he was just too taxed with his own affairs to be what I needed.

 

You have to play this out...whatever you need to do, go NC or whatever will work for you to come to reasonable terms in your heart and that is hard.

 

When exDM said those words that I had been waiting to hear, and then when it didn't play out the way I wanted/needed there was much disappointment and at one time felt he owed me for all of the pain and broken dreams. When I came back into reality, which took some time, I realised "I" was the one that owed "me".

 

Now I am starting to connect with people from my past and it looks rather promising:love:...it's just a matter of what "I" want...wow, what a new concept. All my life I was trying to be what everyone and their dog wanted me to be and lost me along the way. I was very good to my mates, almost to a fault, always trying to please them and getting continual disappointment.

 

I promise you...and this is a promise that can come to pass. You will get you back as I am living proof:) (((((hugs)))))

[Myowntwofeet]

I think we may have discussed our situations before.

 

As with your situation I found out everything on the same day (years and years worth) so haven't had true multiple d-days. However there was some trickle-truth towards me that went on for a while and there was a limited amount of continued contact between them which I found out about much later.

 

For many MM in affairs they are "supposed" to make a choice on d-day, but from reading this board they often try to continue the situation (ie both the marriage and the affair). This involves telling the BW one thing and the OW another. As far as I can work out a fairly typical situation is:

 

1. To the BW: I love and choose you - I'm sorry and will end it permanently with the OW.

 

2. To the OW: I love you and you only - but I can't leave yet because of (insert whatever excuse has always been used).

 

I have difficultly relating how either woman can stay with him after multiple d-days for all the reasons that have well and truly been canvassed by both sides on this forum. If we have another d-day then I'll experience it first hand and may have a better understanding of it.

 

I believe we have Syd.

 

Can I ask you something ( please don't be offended) what is the difference between multiple ddays and finding out of years with multiple partners all at one time?

 

As I have said, I see them as literally impossible to forgive as the betrayal not only was with *only one person, but was with many, over years.

 

It is nice to see you, and I hope I haven't offended you.

[Myowntwofeet]

Hey MOTF...you will get back to you and better. It takes time , healing, understanding of what you went through and why. It takes time to come to terms about how the R went and I'm sure you had many other stressors as well.

 

For me, I was angry at many points concerning this matter...exDM and I did have a chance at the bf/gf thing, well it just didn't work. He is very fond of me and I of him, although he killed a lot of feelings that I had for him and I don't think he did it intentionally, although it still hurt.

 

The dark cloud that seemed to follow me is gone and exDM wasn't my only stressor and I think I was looking for him to be my knight in shinning armour and he was just too taxed with his own affairs to be what I needed.

 

You have to play this out...whatever you need to do, go NC or whatever will work for you to come to reasonable terms in your heart and that is hard.

 

When exDM said those words that I had been waiting to hear, and then when it didn't play out the way I wanted/needed there was much disappointment and at one time felt he owed me for all of the pain and broken dreams. When I came back into reality, which took some time, I realised "I" was the one that owed "me".

 

Now I am starting to connect with people from my past and it looks rather promising:love:...it's just a matter of what "I" want...wow, what a new concept. All my life I was trying to be what everyone and their dog wanted me to be and lost me along the way. I was very good to my mates, almost to a fault, always trying to please them and getting continual disappointment.

 

I promise you...and this is a promise that can come to pass. You will get you back as I am living proof:) (((((hugs)))))

 

Thank you pure in heart, I know I will find me.

 

It is funny, but the *beginning of that was actually the last email. Being me.... telling him I do care but it doesn't change things, telling him despite everything I wish him well and happiness and that I do love him.

 

It is important to me that I walk the walk as well. I believe what is meant to be will be... if truly is meant and I also believe I have to close the door on us, certainly as I know it.

 

I will never say never, as I don't know what tomorrow will bring... but as I said to him in my email - the bottom line, I have to let him go with love, and with forgiveness for both of us if I am really going to move on and be able to love as I had.

 

I have really stayed away from here as I do find it keeps me in it..... but the last couple days, have shown me that I am starting to find the more rational, loving person I used to be.

 

She'll be back, when she's ready;)

[pureinheart]

I've often seen OW's post that their MM has experienced multiple D-Days, with the subtitle of "I can't understand why his BS would keep taking him back." Then they talk about how they would never do something like that.

 

OK - so what I don't get is: Their MM has experienced multiple D-Days. Apparently on each of those D-Days the MM has gone to some effort to settle the wife down before picking back up with the OW. How is the BS in her effort to believe the man really any different than the OW in her effort to believe the same man?

 

D-Day happened. All is now known. This was the MM's perfect chance to tell his wife that he really loved the OW and wanted a divorce so he could spend the rest of his life with the woman he truly loved. He didn't do that. I totally get the confusion on the part of the OW about why on earth did the BS forgive him? (especially multiple times - let me tell you, I wouldn't/couldn't do that!) Why isn't she suspicious? She must just not care.....

 

I also understand the assumptions you make (or he has told you) based on that knowledge she has - she must not really love him, she only is interested in him for his money, she wants the status quo... etc.

 

So here's what I don't understand: Those multiple D-Days - they were rejections of you as well. You have done the exact same thing that you are aghast at the BS for doing, so far as I can see. You understood that he not only went back to his wife - but also went to ANY length to convince her that you were nothing and meant nothing to him, and you are willing to continue to be his OW. Now I'm not talking to the women who simply aren't interested in being a full-time wife/companion, I'm talking to those of you who really love this man and want to share his life, the same as the BS.

 

Why is it OK for you to continue to take him back when you feel it is not all right for the BS to do the same thing? I'm not trying to be nasty here, I was just thinking about it and realized that I can't really see much if any difference.

 

I know for a fact exDM had several encounters with OW long before me...in his mind he was single, doing his duty (as stated in a thread in the Infidelity forum).

 

I can only speculate as to why she took him back and vice versa...it was easier...it was a game, a dance per se...a cycle they both went through. Maybe they were both addicted to drama.

 

D is a lot easier said than done. It can be a long process, and when there are kids involved, retirements, the splitting of assets...well it's cheaper to keep her...and that goes the other way around too...we just need a slogan for the men that some women might have to keep.

 

It is also great change especially when there are many years involved. Men seem to have a harder time with this one IMO.

 

In bold: What's interesting is taking him back only occured after him and his W were going through D...prior to that it was understood he couldn't handle D and I couldn't handle him being M'ed, so I bailed.

[pureinheart]

Thank you pure in heart, I know I will find me.

 

It is funny, but the *beginning of that was actually the last email. Being me.... telling him I do care but it doesn't change things, telling him despite everything I wish him well and happiness and that I do love him.

 

It is important to me that I walk the walk as well. I believe what is meant to be will be... if truly is meant and I also believe I have to close the door on us, certainly as I know it.

 

I will never say never, as I don't know what tomorrow will bring... but as I said to him in my email - the bottom line, I have to let him go with love, and with forgiveness for both of us if I am really going to move on and be able to love as I had.

 

I have really stayed away from here as I do find it keeps me in it..... but the last couple days, have shown me that I am starting to find the more rational, loving person I used to be.

 

She'll be back, when she's ready;)

 

In bold: You will heal fast...I walked in hatred and disarray on and off for a long time and that stunted my growth...this is way cool what you said..it's real, there's no anger, hatred or resentment....there are soooo many stuck in this part of the process, and some may never come out of it.

 

Looks like Stella is gettin her grove back!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!

[White Flower]

Why is it OK for you to continue to take him back when you feel it is not all right for the BS to do the same thing? I'm not trying to be nasty here, I was just thinking about it and realized that I can't really see much if any difference.

 

I actually think we're both thinking along the same lines and want the same thing. We want the R with the man that we love and will fight in whichever capacity suits us to fight in. She is defending her territory. We wait for him to reclaim his. She follows him, he pursues us. Whatever the stance, we both want him.

 

I think some OW make the argument that since she is following and clinging to him makes her faulty in her judgment because she knows he stepped out on her. He didn't really step out on us, not in our mind anyway. (This point can be argued on another thread I'm sure). So the difference in our fighting for our man is that we feel we know where his heart is and feel that she should know where his heart is even when he is lying to her.

 

One doesn't have to defend love. Love just is. When you have to defend it, it doesn't make sense.

 

Now if the WH pursues the BW and she takes him back I totally understand. Women love to be pursued no matter if we're M or not. I just don't understand a BW who clings to someone she knows cheated and probably will again especially given that her H is not pursuing her but staying due to threats, etc. There are some BW out there like that.

[Myowntwofeet]

In bold: You will heal fast...I walked in hatred and disarray on and off for a long time and that stunted my growth...this is way cool what you said..it's real, there's no anger, hatred or resentment....there are soooo many stuck in this part of the process, and some may never come out of it.

 

Looks like Stella is gettin her grove back!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!

 

Did I mention I was sybil through most of it and only NOW finding my way back:confused:

 

It has been just about a year since our dday and let me tell you... I threw the sink at him during our first attempt at NC. We then began talking to leave each other with an open door... he then threw me under the bus... I then reverted to sybil, shared the knowledge with his wife... then spent the next 3 months beating myself up for causing him so much pain and finally, after almost 6 months am finding me... the real me

 

There was a whole lot of "anger and resentment" and I still have days that I would like to strangle him.

 

You will find the right time to make peace with him... you may do as I did and email ( against a cazillion screams of "No, don't") or you may find that making peace with yourself is enough. You too will find it.

 

I have to say it is nice to begin to feel like me, but I also know that threw all the sybil moments it may take him a long time to reach acceptance that I am actually me and not going to boil the bunny next month, lol.

 

God, some of my anger... I still wonder where it came from, so unlike me and all the more confusing as I had never experienced anything like it.

 

So many firsts with him.... I could never hate him... he taught me about me and what it really means to love unconditionally.

[SidLyon]

I believe we have Syd.

 

Can I ask you something ( please don't be offended) what is the difference between multiple ddays and finding out of years with multiple partners all at one time?

 

As I have said, I see them as literally impossible to forgive as the betrayal not only was with *only one person, but was with many, over years.

 

It is nice to see you, and I hope I haven't offended you.

 

In a technical/practical sense the difference is obvious - there is only one d-day moment. But I think you were probably asking more about the the feelings/impact of a single d-day (with more than one infidelity) compared with multiple d-days, each of a new (or maybe a continued) infidelity.

 

I'm not in a position to compare because I haven't gone through multiple d-days for my H's infidelities. To the best of my knowledge he has not continued his infidelity. Consequently I can't really answer your question except to say that there will be no additional chances for him from me. To stay with him after further infidelity would be toxic for me and probably our family and there really would be no point.

 

I may have posted before that we went through a period of traumatic bonding which has now morphed into a very active and satisfying sex life for us both (I have no doubt about that whatsoever). We also spend a significant amount of time together and are very intimate in a way we were not before. We both are continually amazed that this is possible after more than 20 years together (married 16 years).

 

If he decides to stray again after all we have, then I will very sadly accept that he cannot change. Since d-day (Oct 2008) he has persistently and repeatedly said there is nothing he wants more that to be a permanently changed man and for us to go from strength to strength in our marriage. So far so good but relationships do take nurturing and ours needed a lot after d-day.

[Owl]

No contradictions at all actually...MM has made me no promises whatsoever. He's broken no promises to me. We both stepped into the ring knowing exactly what the situation was and through some emotional times and lots of soul searching I'm happy with the situation at the moment...when I'm not (or he's not) then it'll end. He has as much control over the longevity of this as I do...

 

As far as sharing...he has a life with his W and I have a life without him. I don't sit around and pine over him...I date and I enjoy myself. If I were dating 3 single men rather than 2 single and 1 married would you be telling me I was wrong to be sharing? No...it's called dating and spending time with people and being single. I do share him I guess, but he shares me as well.

 

You're welcome to believe what I'm doing is a big no no...that's fine. I am of the belief, and have been all along, that the promise to God is made by the participants in the wedding ceremony. I've promised nothing to God about their marriage...I made promises about mine and was true to my word.

 

Mizfit, here's what I don't get.

 

And I know this is gonna sound rude, so I apologize in advance. It's just that there's such a break in the "make sense factor" (to me, mind you) that I gotta ask this.

 

You would never accept your H cheating on you.

 

But you're totally fine with MM's cheating, as long as it isn't directly against you.

 

That means that you're completely fine with cheating/lying/breaking of vows...as long as it's not directed at you but someone else?

 

Again, I know that's harsh...but it just jumped into my mind when I read your post above, and totally threw me off.

 

Why's it ok to participate and see it done to others, but not ok for it to be done to you?

[jennie-jennie]

I have experience of multiple Ddays with my two exSOs, who were both serial cheaters.

 

As an OW I have experience of one Dday, where my MM chose to minimize my importance in his life to his wife in order to be able to maintain our relationship.

 

To me what matters is whether I love and desire the man in question. A Dday does not change that, whether I am/was the BS or the OW. To me there is just too much emphasis put on Ddays. I don't find them especially relevant to the extent of one's emotions. They are more like a crash. You will have to wait until afterwards to see who survived.

[Fieldsofgold]

I agree with much of what you're saying...I can only speak of my situation though.

 

As a BS I did not (and still believe I would not) tolerate my H cheating. I never entertained the idea of reconciling...I don't quite understand how anyone can find the level of trust to do that, but I have learned a whole new respect for them since being on this forum.

 

Back to what I was saying...I couldn't do it because he told both God and I that he was my protector and loved me and would do all he could not to hurt me. He lied...he lied when he was making promises to me and to God. My MM has never promised me anything...he's done just what he said he'd do...we've been through 3 Ddays in the last 6 months and he's still at home. I keep seing him because our relationship hasn't changed. She's kept him through them and I truly don't understand her tolerance, patience, whatever it may be.

 

I am amazed, but I don't question it...I'm obviously willing to keep what I have with him so why shouldn't she?

 

How can your MM's BS stay with him after knowing what he has done? I am assuming here that your MM and W made traditional wedding vows. If so, she promised him and God that she would love him for better or worse, til one of them dies. Maybe she is just keeping her promises.

 

Which brings up an interesting thought. MM promised her the same things your H promised you (I'm assuming.) MM is breaking his promise to her, just like your H broke his promises to you. Seems like you got another one like your H. Something to think about.