Mental Conditions and Deterioration of Marriage

[trippi1432]

A while back, someone said for me to start my own rant in relation to another thread, some of you know that I have been going through some issues and have been on a medical leave from my job trying to get help from the stress I have been under (issues with son, ex, work...etc.).

 

I will admit that the bleakest night of my life was back on April 8th when I was ready to take my own life...that, coupled with work stress....my mind just snapped a couple of weeks later.

 

I know that my ex had his own problems, he drank, smoked weed and he had OCD...all conditions that can be worked on. But the stigma of Bipolar II has hit me so hard that I cry constantly. I don't want to do the things I did for fear that I will only hurt the people I care about. I also came to a realization yesterday during a discussion with my son......this IS my fault. Well, the illness at least, but anyone with bipolar has a very small success rate at relationships or marriage. I think I also don't have very good coping skills due to the alcoholism and the instability of the marriage either on the ex's side as he was never very supporting when it came to any sickness.

 

So, when I say that I am happy that he found what he was looking for in his new GF, I do mean that...because she is normal....not a mental basket case like me. I hear a lot of people tell me, yeah for now...give it time...but it's true and I have come to acceptance on that.

 

And, when you say that you can't stand what someone you love does in your relationship....make sure you have checked it all out with the MD and psychologist before throwing a marriage away. OCD is easily treatable, alcoholism and addictions can be overcome if the other person is willing. It might be something that is treatable, it might not...bipolar is a mental illness that never goes away, it just has to be managed with prescriptions and coping skills or cognitive behavior therapy, not very many people have the patience to deal with people like that.

 

YGG - on your thread, I stated if your husband has issues with addictions that could just be treatable, as long as he is willing, there could be something there to salvage. But if the issue is a mental condition that can be treated under a doctor's care, wouldn't you want to get back that man you originally married...perhaps? Yes, if his issues are addictions that he refuses to seek treatment for and puts the blame off on you, then you have no choice but to show him the door or vice versa....but please make sure that is the true issue. Read up on it and really talk to him about it when he is sober.

This is what I wanted to email you the other day, but never got a response from you. Good luck.

 

Trippi

Edited June 5, 2010 by trippi1432
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[trippi1432]

No "shrinks" in the house today I take it...LOL!! :bunny::bunny:

[just_some_guy]

I'm sort of on the other side of this one myself. DW, is having depressive episodes. When she does, she lashes out at me, "you don't really love me", "you were planning to leave me all along", "I can't trust you, I thought you were the one who would stay with me" and then sometimes as a special treat, I get called all the bad names.

 

Then some lucidity comes. "I don't mean to hurt you" says she.

 

You know, everyone in my life that did harm to me said the same damn thing. From the parents who neglected, beat me, tore me down and told me I was worthless and would never amount to a hill of beans, to the boy who molested me, to my first wife who gaslighted me while she was drugging and then tore into me while she was in new sobriety.

 

"I never meant to hurt you. I was sick/weak/didn't understand what I was doing. Please don't leave me, I love you."

 

Oh, ok, then that makes it alright. Get a doctor's note and everything is cool.

 

In sickness and in health, but dang at what point do I just give up? I mean, even an amoeba has the sense to move away quickly from anything painful.

 

I'm not lighting into you Trippi, just letting off some steam from the other perspective.

[trippi1432]

No, perfectly alright because I never knew that the perfect kiss on the back of a motorbike at 11 years old was going to end with molestation by his father 3 years later, nor did his daughter or a family friend's daughter a few years later. None of us did.

 

Did you know Just Some Guy, probably not....they may not have even known....but what I have determined from what I have learned...staying alive for revenge isn't revenge if the person who did this doesn't care. I used to like who I was to a point, confident, smart...didn't take **** from anyone. Through therapy, I have realized that I was wrong. Yes, I picked men who sought out my weaknesses and exploited them, but that doesn't mean I didn't give back as good as I got.

 

There's a lot to be said about just going through life and just living it. Neither seem to be the key to success.

 

 

Oh, and by the way...giving up just gives relevance to Sigmund Freud's theories on sexual abuse.....if a man gives up...he is in the bucket with every man that came before him.

Edited June 6, 2010 by trippi1432

[trippi1432]

Just one last thing.....in which part of sickness and in health would you want your DW to leave you over....a heart attack...a liver transplant (met a wonderful man who married his 4th wife because she did a transplant for him - a stranger), or a mental illness....or because she was a cheater?

 

Maybe you are predisposed for cancer...is that a good reason? Perhaps your family runs a high issue with lung disease....another good reason? The list could go on and on...Pretty soon, there would only be two cells even worthy of procreation...has no bearings on co-habitation.

 

Where does the detriment of marriage really break down on compatibility as opposed to medical terminology?

Edited June 6, 2010 by trippi1432

[Gunny376]

:mad:First out of the gate is that we all need to simply accept the fact we're all ~ each and everyone of us in our own and unique way?

 

Are crazy!

 

But it helps us from going insane.

 

Most any and all of us are totting around some kind of mental / emotional baggage ~ much akin to dragging a dead horse and saddle around.

 

Others see it, but we can't see it ourselves. And others out of politeness don't want to point it out to us.

 

First and foremost ~ your problem isn't so much being bi-polar (IMO) but so much as doing what so many people in the Western World have been "programmed" into doing.

 

Trying to do it all, have it all, be all. You like many of us ~ most of us got caught up in trying to be perfect wife, the perfect spouse, the perfect mother, the perfect friend, the prefect _________________?

 

Women are especially prone to do this because of such BS shows on the Bravo channel titled, "The Housewives of Eagle Puke Alaska" In which they drive Lexus, BMW's and Benz's ~ live in these five thousand square foot McMansions.

 

Yet they still have all of this drama amongst themselves.

 

Suck it up, fulfill your commitment to your company that you hate working for, in a job that you hate (and trust me having served the better part of my life on a contract to the USMC ~ I know what that's all about)

 

And then get your happy azz on a plane to where your going to be happy for your sake and your sake only.

 

Its time to catch the bus to Mexico ~ and screw this trying to out-live or outdo the Jones's.

 

I've got co-workers that have really nice houses with big mortgage payments, one that co-signed a $160,000 student loan for a two their college bachelor degree!. Most of the people I work for are working two jobs. And/or have something working for them on the side. (Cattle which they worry about each and everyday ~ the cost of feed, hay, calving, auctioning, the price of cattle) ~ rental properties ~ (Getting called up in the middle of the night after a long day's work over a stopped up ~ over flowing toilet)

 

I've got one co-worker that has type II diabetes, poor eyesight, problems with his feet, etc.

 

His wife put in she wanted a bigger and better house ~ even though the one they had was bought and paid for. After relentless harassment? He agreed ~ they built the house even though the one and only child was grown and on his own (and since moved back in with a bi-polar wife and GD because he lost his job with IBM)

 

After they had a buyer for the old (bought and paid for house) she told him that they would have to sell the new house because she just couldn't leave the old one because it had too many memories? (This is one of the reasons I've never re-married! )

 

Out here in civilian la~la land? Most men have difficulties dealing and handling me?

 

At least at work, because I'm a retired United States Marine.

 

"We don't get paid to screw up! WE get paid to get it right! The first time and every-time!"

 

"You screw up! You going to either get yourself killed or someone else killed!"

 

"Why the **** do we never have the time to get it right the first time, but we've always got time to do it over?"

 

These and many other words, thoughts and such have been forever permanently ingrained into my brain housing group.

 

Such is the upper echelon of corporate America. Granted you owe your company two years for having your MBA. And you need to pay that off.

 

But you also need to forget the X, ~ the simple fact of the matter is? You were too much for him and too fast him, and he was never a match for you.

 

He's happy with the other woman because she's more on his level. AKA ~ simple~ which your not. Your beating yourself up over not being a simple, unambitious woman.

 

You concentrated on work, being ambitious, achievement orientated, job orientated!

 

And you did so because ~ for you husband and family ~ you son!

 

Because you loved them, and cared about them and wanted to provide the best for them.

 

To tell the truth? You and YGG kind of PMO ~ in that your both highly intelligent, achieving women that have made yourself subservient and supplicating to men not worth your worth nor value as individuals, persons and women.

 

If scarificing your hopes, dreams, wishes, desires, happiness's to be in a relationship ~ be you a man or woman?

 

Its not worth it!

[Gunny376]

I hit the wrong button and had to start over again?

 

Being Bipolar II isn't a sin, neither is depression, nor is OCDO, nor is Bipolar II , nor is manic-depressive, nor is PTSD (Post Traumatic Syndrome)

 

For a long long time I was self medicating with alcohol ~ couldn't sleep. Sleep like a new born baby ~ woke up every twenty minutes or so.

 

Had dreams of Beruit and of Rwanda.

 

I was drinking just to get to sleep, otherwise I would go days without sleep just dwelling on the "hinder-life" ~ the lying cheating, two timing, EA~PA wife didn't help?

 

Neither did the separation, divorce, bankruptcy the XHEX throwing me under the bus with the IRS behind my back, the creditors calling me?

 

Having to go to China-Mart and buying all that stuff that I'd already bought already once before ~ Ironing boards, Irons, coffee makers, dishes, microwaves, bed sheets, towels, etc.

 

I gave her everything from a twelve year marriage worth stealing and she still bitched because I keep a wooden clothes hamper, a wooden Coke-Cola magazine rack (that I made by hand) an artificial fern, and all of the cassettes and CD (Which I purchased ~ mostly by working a second job in a second job in the club system while stationed in Okinawa)

 

Between 1979 and 1990 I earned gross somewhere between somewhere $350,000 to $375,000?

 

Most of which I spent putting clothes on my wife's, children, and step-daughter's back. A roof over their heads, food in their mouths. (BTW my step-daughters father paid a whopping $133 a month in child support)

 

Between 1991 and 2004 I spent another (Filing Single and one) another after tax of $75,000 in child support.

 

After I retired from the Corps I went back to court and asked for a reduction in child support, ~ which was granted since the XHEX didn't even bother showing up? It was cut to two thirds, or what it was since my income was cut two-thirds.

 

After my DD graduated from HS, I didn't take the XHEX back to court and half it cut in half again. I let it ride for another four years.

 

Meanwhile the XHEX tells DHX3 that had custody and had raised his son since birth? At age four or five? "You need to send him back to his Mother since I cannot give him the motherly love he deserves!"

 

Stupid bastard not only gives up's custody? But gives up his parential rights so he doesn't have to pay child support?

 

Yet I'm the sorry dirty bastard with the s***t on his hands!

 

Yea! I've got a pyschologist appointment on Tuesday, I'm on antidepresents, and anxiety meds ~ and not afraind to admitt it.

 

And the anxiety meds have helped a lot! And the antidepresents have helped alot.

 

I'm as not as PO'd as I was about every little thing ~ I don't worry about anything, I sleep better, I'm growing less and less dependent on alcohol.

 

I'm a good 80 to 90 % back to being me!

 

And trippi1432?

 

That's what you need to be doing! Working on becoming the best YOU can be!

[just_some_guy]

Just one last thing.....in which part of sickness and in health would you want your DW to leave you over....a heart attack...a liver transplant

 

Well, if my heart or liver were to go awry, they wouldn't jump out of my chest with teeth bared and rip into her flesh, now would they?

 

The difficult thing with mental illness, is that the one who is ill frequently inflicts genuine hurt on those closest to them. Some people I guess can handle that better than I can.

[Gunny376]

Well, if my heart or liver were to go awry, they wouldn't jump out of my chest with teeth bared and rip into her flesh, now would they?

 

The difficult thing with mental illness, is that the one who is ill frequently inflicts genuine hurt on those closest to them. Some people I guess can handle that better than I can.

 

Kid yourself not ~ most will not get through this life without suffering through some sort of mental ~ emotional illness at some point of thier lives.

 

No one gets out of this life withouth singing the "blues' at least once or twice.

 

To incinuate that being not being such is "normal" is abnormal!

 

Once you've danced with the devil?

 

You don't change Him!

 

He changes you!

[SarahRose]

A while back, someone said for me to start my own rant in relation to another thread, some of you know that I have been going through some issues and have been on a medical leave from my job trying to get help from the stress I have been under (issues with son, ex, work...etc.).

 

I will admit that the bleakest night of my life was back on April 8th when I was ready to take my own life...that, coupled with work stress....my mind just snapped a couple of weeks later.

 

I know that my ex had his own problems, he drank, smoked weed and he had OCD...all conditions that can be worked on. But the stigma of Bipolar II has hit me so hard that I cry constantly. I don't want to do the things I did for fear that I will only hurt the people I care about. I also came to a realization yesterday during a discussion with my son......this IS my fault. Well, the illness at least, but anyone with bipolar has a very small success rate at relationships or marriage. I think I also don't have very good coping skills due to the alcoholism and the instability of the marriage either on the ex's side as he was never very supporting when it came to any sickness.

 

So, when I say that I am happy that he found what he was looking for in his new GF, I do mean that...because she is normal....not a mental basket case like me. I hear a lot of people tell me, yeah for now...give it time...but it's true and I have come to acceptance on that.

 

And, when you say that you can't stand what someone you love does in your relationship....make sure you have checked it all out with the MD and psychologist before throwing a marriage away. OCD is easily treatable, alcoholism and addictions can be overcome if the other person is willing. It might be something that is treatable, it might not...bipolar is a mental illness that never goes away, it just has to be managed with prescriptions and coping skills or cognitive behavior therapy, not very many people have the patience to deal with people like that.

 

YGG - on your thread, I stated if your husband has issues with addictions that could just be treatable, as long as he is willing, there could be something there to salvage. But if the issue is a mental condition that can be treated under a doctor's care, wouldn't you want to get back that man you originally married...perhaps? Yes, if his issues are addictions that he refuses to seek treatment for and puts the blame off on you, then you have no choice but to show him the door or vice versa....but please make sure that is the true issue. Read up on it and really talk to him about it when he is sober.

This is what I wanted to email you the other day, but never got a response from you. Good luck.

 

Trippi

 

I'm really not sure what the point of your post was?

 

I'd like to say that people usually attract the same type of people.

 

If I attract flaked out drug abusers then there is something wrong with me

 

If your ex is a drug abuser with OCD changes are the girl he is with now is just as messed up as he is in some way.

[LittleTiger]

If your ex is a drug abuser with OCD changes are the girl he is with now is just as messed up as he is in some way.

 

I agree with Gunny that most of us will not get through life without some form of mental 'issue'. Those of us with the healthiest mental attitude ie a willingness to improve ourselves and sort our issues to improve our lives and our relationships AND therefore also the lives of the people we love, will spend a lifetime working towards self actualisation ie being the best we can be. The healthier we become as we progress through life, the better our choices will be and that includes choice of partners.

 

Unless some significant event occurs during a marriage which changes one of the partners ie a life event or an illness of some sort, whatever emerges during the years they are together was already there in the first place - although maybe lying dormant! So I also agree with what SarahRose has said. Your ex's new girl is almost certainly messed up in some way - like attracts like. If the relationship is working and he is as unhealthy as you seem to think then, whatever his new girl's issues are, they will be complimenting his own. Something is probably missing in both of them and they get whatever is missing from each other.

 

I don't believe a healthy, adult relationship is possible unless both adults are reasonably healthy to start with. I wasn't healthy when I got into the relationship with my husband 15 years ago. He gave me something I needed. I worked on myself and got healthy (still a work in progress of course) and the marriage fell apart. He wasn't, and in my opinion still isn't, 'healthy' (healthy meaning largely without issues) though he will never admit it and will never do anything to change.

 

I think the important thing with one partner having a serious mental condition (as opposed to the 'normal' mental problems most of us have) is that they are getting help for it. If they are not willing to make changes and not prepared to do something proactive to help themselves then any relationship is pretty much doomed!

[trippi1432]

Well, if my heart or liver were to go awry, they wouldn't jump out of my chest with teeth bared and rip into her flesh, now would they?

 

The difficult thing with mental illness, is that the one who is ill frequently inflicts genuine hurt on those closest to them. Some people I guess can handle that better than I can.

 

Just Some Guy.....my apologies, I don't know you but you did come out on the other side of the gate having been hurt by someone with a mental illness. I'm sorry, but that person was not me, but I give as good as I get.

 

The liver transplant reference was in reference to a gentleman who had PTSD while in the military and was married to his fourth wife....how he met her...she was his nurse and gave part of her liver as a living donor transplantation. He knew right away, he met his angel and they have been married for 19 years. He suffered with PTSD for over a decade before getting help and I'm sure he drove her nuts....but she loved him regardless because he never beat her, he never cheated on her...he didn't do everything perfect, but he loved her and still does.

 

I think what a lot of people seem to forget about marriage is that it's not about trading in because I just don't like this model anymore....my ex thought I was a car...change the title. And for all the times that he didn't take me to the hospital when I needed to go (like having a child for him)...I think I deserve a little mental illness on that part as well as being totally in hypomanic mode.

 

So Just Some Guy - Not picking on you in particular, but a lot of things you brought up about yourself are worthy of looking at your own issues with self-worth and values....that's what I found out when looking for the answers to why I attract men with these issues. I found out that it was me...my past and how I have to deal with it and cope. I would consider my 1st ex a walk in the park in relation to my 2nd.

[trippi1432]

I'm really not sure what the point of your post was?

 

I'd like to say that people usually attract the same type of people.

 

If I attract flaked out drug abusers then there is something wrong with me

 

If your ex is a drug abuser with OCD changes are the girl he is with now is just as messed up as he is in some way.

 

Well, the point of the post is the examination as to why we attract the same type of people back into our lives...why the "people picker" is broken as I was told about a year ago.

 

From what I understand, the woman he is with now is not a drug abuser....he claims she has OCD, but my son says differently.

 

My point, and the journey to hell and back that I have been taking is to find who I really am so I can attract the right type of person. The compassionate, caring person instead of the emotionally elusive, drug abusers and alcoholics. Someone who is just as secure in doing their own thing and allowing me to do mine...but more important....me being able to find trust again....as that has totally been lost in my turmoil.

 

See, on both of my ex's, what I have noticed is that they exploit doing their own thing (infidelity), drug abuse and alcohol. Neither were compassionate and caring no matter how hard I tried to show them that...until I finally just gave up. My therapist calls me a doormat....and she's right.

 

One of the worst things my father ever said to me out of anger (and being a daddy's girl, he never spoke to me out of anger) was that I needed to learn EMPATHY (not sympathy), empathy.

 

Empathy is an ability with many different definitions. They cover a broad spectrum, ranging from feeling a concern for other people that creates a desire to help them, experiencing emotions that match another person's emotions, knowing what the other person is thinking or feeling, to blurring the line between self and other.

 

My biggest issue is the blurring the line between self and other....these are things that I am going over with my therapist. My homework this week is to be selfish.....and I have said No 10 times to my son my week for trivial things he didn't need. :bunny: This helps me to know that I am making some sort of progress.

 

Thank you for the input.

[Gunny376]

Marriage should be like the Air Force handles things ~ a five year contract/lease with an option to buy?

[LittleTiger]

Marriage should be like the Air Force handles things ~ a five year contract/lease with an option to buy?

 

Problem with that Gunny is, after a good five years, you decide to buy just before the damn thing falls apart!

[Gunny376]

Problem with that Gunny is, after a good five years, you decide to buy just before the damn thing falls apart!

 

:laugh: Like I said~ just like the Air Force Handles things!

[trippi1432]

I agree with Gunny that most of us will not get through life without some form of mental 'issue'. Those of us with the healthiest mental attitude ie a willingness to improve ourselves and sort our issues to improve our lives and our relationships AND therefore also the lives of the people we love, will spend a lifetime working towards self actualisation ie being the best we can be. The healthier we become as we progress through life, the better our choices will be and that includes choice of partners.

 

Unless some significant event occurs during a marriage which changes one of the partners ie a life event or an illness of some sort, whatever emerges during the years they are together was already there in the first place - although maybe lying dormant! So I also agree with what SarahRose has said. Your ex's new girl is almost certainly messed up in some way - like attracts like. If the relationship is working and he is as unhealthy as you seem to think then, whatever his new girl's issues are, they will be complimenting his own. Something is probably missing in both of them and they get whatever is missing from each other.

 

I don't believe a healthy, adult relationship is possible unless both adults are reasonably healthy to start with. I wasn't healthy when I got into the relationship with my husband 15 years ago. He gave me something I needed. I worked on myself and got healthy (still a work in progress of course) and the marriage fell apart. He wasn't, and in my opinion still isn't, 'healthy' (healthy meaning largely without issues) though he will never admit it and will never do anything to change.

 

I think the important thing with one partner having a serious mental condition (as opposed to the 'normal' mental problems most of us have) is that they are getting help for it. If they are not willing to make changes and not prepared to do something proactive to help themselves then any relationship is pretty much doomed!

 

Thanks for the feedback LittleTiger. Honestly, I think that trying to make any changes within the marriage would have been impossible in my case...like you, too many issues....IC would have been nothing but setbacks and MC was always refused. He had no problems (according to him), it was all me because I wouldn't drive 45 minutes to go to church and hang out with his drinking buddy and their family.

 

I do agree that the laws of attraction decree that we will attract those people that are similar to us. This was what prompted me to go so far back into my past to find out why I would attract these two types of men into my life. What I found.....I was told all my life that I was fat and stupid by my grandmother....so I stayed fat and proved stupid wrong by becoming an overachiever and finishing my MBA. When someone told me I would never achieve anything....especially since I left home at 16, I proved them wrong there too.

 

But when my ex told me I didn't fold his clothes right because of his OCD, the darn things went in the hamper and he could fold them himself. lol!! When he smoked pot in the garage, I asked him not to and had a fit when I found a stub of a joint in his truck years back when he was transporting our son to and from daycare at the time. He was a blackout drunk and woke up the next morning laughing about what we told him he did..didn't believe us until I videoed him once....he left 2 months later.

 

And this brings me to the fact that if something significant happens in the midst of a marriage such as traumatic event bringing on the bipolar episode that may have always been there....is that when you throw up your hands and walk or work to help (not fix) but help? I told one lady in my group how lucky she was to have a husband that really wanted to help her, beautiful kids, but she thinks that they would all be better off without her. This goes to show that there are different degrees to the illness, and I have known a man that came home to a manic depressive wife to find her dead. Personally, the more I come off my mood stabalizers, the more lucid I feel and I don't think that every doctor gets it right.

 

As for the ex....where they go, what is going on there, what they tell me and what my son tells me...really makes no difference. What he does is no longer my concern. My only concern now is for me and my mental health so I can be there for my son.

[Gunny376]

As for the ex....where they go, what is going on there, what they tell me and what my son tells me...really makes no difference. What he does is no longer my concern. My only concern now is for me and my mental health so I can be there for my son.

 

Bidda~ bing

 

Bidda~bang

 

Dead on!

[You Go Girl]

YGG - on your thread, I stated if your husband has issues with addictions that could just be treatable, as long as he is willing, there could be something there to salvage. But if the issue is a mental condition that can be treated under a doctor's care, wouldn't you want to get back that man you originally married...perhaps? Yes, if his issues are addictions that he refuses to seek treatment for and puts the blame off on you, then you have no choice but to show him the door or vice versa....but please make sure that is the true issue. Read up on it and really talk to him about it when he is sober.

This is what I wanted to email you the other day, but never got a response from you. Good luck.

 

Trippi

I haven't read the responses to this thread yet. But I want to comment right away at what you have directed to me.

His alcohol--does he even want to change? It's difficult to say, because he is such an egomaniac and has such huge pride, that he's only once said that maybe he has a problem.

Since he's high functioning, he can get away with that, probably forever. He has rejected AA. Says he went a few times, but Trippi, he lies. Al alcholics do. I don't know if I believe he went to more than 1 meeting.

 

He is the same man I married. I just didn't know who I was marrying. It was a long distance relationship. 2 weekends a month of romance, 5 days total together a month, the rest on the phone or in chat.

He was also my rebound from my first marriage. My error there.

He doesn't have a mental illness, unless narcissm is a mental illness. Thing is this--how do you tell an egomaniac that they have too large of an ego? Do you see the catch-22?

Honestly, we just clash. I dislike the zodiac carp, but take Taurus the bull and put him with a female Leo. Now just imagine the battle of wills.

I don't know why his pride (odd cuz I'm the leo) is so huge that he can't have a normal conversation about marital difficulties. But, if you've ever seen the Sopranos, just try to imagine Tony coming clean with Carmilla.

 

Trippi--this is what Gunny and I were saying about you beating yourself up. Read your own post here again.

You are saying it is your fault. Hello! When you're with an alcoholic, life is NEVER sane. It was not your fault Trippi, and you are feeling badly about yourself all the time because you think, well, he fixed it with the new gal...as if he couldn't have fixed it with you.

I am still going to email you, because I want to tell you over and over again that it is NOT your fault.

Were you less than perfect in some ways? Well of course, you are human, and so is he.

Are you bipolar or are you torn up by that he is sober and with a new woman? I'm not your shrink, but, I think blaming yourself has put you in a depression.

You need a big hug! Here's one from me! HUG!!!!!!!!!

Now I'll read the rest of the responses lol

[trippi1432]

Bidda~ bing

 

Bidda~bang

 

Dead on!

 

Thanks Sweetie....got some sweet tea on the porch for you. :love:

 

I'm getting there.

[just_some_guy]

Just Some Guy.....my apologies, I don't know you but you did come out on the other side of the gate having been hurt by someone with a mental illness. I'm sorry, but that person was not me, but I give as good as I get.

 

........

So Just Some Guy - Not picking on you in particular, but a lot of things you brought up about yourself are worthy of looking at your own issues with self-worth and values....

 

I'm not feeling picked on, just sort of joining in the rant.

 

The really tough thing about having a mate with a mental illness (and I include alcohol/drug abuse), as opposed to a physical illness, is the damage that gets inflicted on the well partner. Cancer isn't contagious, but depression can be! Being around a depressed person can be very hard, especially when they are lashing out in blind rage, or saying very hurtful things over and over, without realizing how much it hurts the other. At some point, my armor breaks down and can't sort out whether it is the depression talking or the real feelings of the other.

 

The 1st ex was real doozy, since after a long time in treatment, she was finally diagnosed as a sociopath.

 

So I've been tested by the best. But it wasn't their fault.

 

Believe me, I'm working on my own issues, a LOT.

[trippi1432]

I'm not feeling picked on, just sort of joining in the rant.

 

The really tough thing about having a mate with a mental illness (and I include alcohol/drug abuse), as opposed to a physical illness, is the damage that gets inflicted on the well partner. Cancer isn't contagious, but depression can be! Being around a depressed person can be very hard, especially when they are lashing out in blind rage, or saying very hurtful things over and over, without realizing how much it hurts the other. At some point, my armor breaks down and can't sort out whether it is the depression talking or the real feelings of the other.

 

The 1st ex was real doozy, since after a long time in treatment, she was finally diagnosed as a sociopath.

 

So I've been tested by the best. But it wasn't their fault.

 

Believe me, I'm working on my own issues, a LOT.

 

But see, that is the thing....you stated your issues in your post, very brave thing to do. I had to face these things in Out-Patient because I realized that it couldn't just be ALL HIM. I can blame it on him all day long, doesn't fix it....some things can be fixed. I could see myself making the same mistakes over and over, lashing out and hurting the people I cared about.

 

Yes, depression is hard....everyone wants to tell you to just get happy...but that doesn't happen overnight. Keep working on yours...take "them" out of the element and what "they" did or why....because you will never get the same answer twice. Let yourself own what you are responsible for, let them own theirs.

 

Again, not beating myself up, I thought I was doing the right thing for my family...working hard, going to school...achieving the life I thought they wanted. In the end.....they just wanted me....that's not beating myself up. (Taking the Ex out of the equation - he had his own boulders that I got tired of carrying.)

 

One other thing.....in your earlier post, were you referring to you as having those qualities of leading to lack of self-worth? I think that is how I was reading it....that is where I was and had to travel back to my childhood to find out why, to be able to learn coping skills...etc....not there yet, but working on it. However, if that is you, how can you be the "well" partner? I wasn't.

Edited June 6, 2010 by trippi1432
Addition

[You Go Girl]

I'm not saying you were beating yourself up then Trippi, but that you are beating yourself down now.

 

Codependents have their own issues that arise out of the codependency. They may very well have brought other issues to the relationship, most have some kind of baggage.

But there are issues that arise from codependency ALONE.

Yeah, you can say we all own our own issues, whether they were created due to another or not. But when you're blindsided and don't know what you are dealing with, came innocently enough, I still say that the issues disappear as soon as the problem person does.

Am I being cold?

There are things I can deal with, problems another might have. I have my own problems. But there are problems I can't deal with, because the person who owns them refuses to deal with it themselves, and lies.

That leaves me where?

Shyte up a creek, that's where.

[trippi1432]

I'm not saying you were beating yourself up then Trippi, but that you are beating yourself down now.

 

Codependents have their own issues that arise out of the codependency. They may very well have brought other issues to the relationship, most have some kind of baggage.

But there are issues that arise from codependency ALONE.

Yeah, you can say we all own our own issues, whether they were created due to another or not. But when you're blindsided and don't know what you are dealing with, came innocently enough, I still say that the issues disappear as soon as the problem person does.

Am I being cold?

There are things I can deal with, problems another might have. I have my own problems. But there are problems I can't deal with, because the person who owns them refuses to deal with it themselves, and lies.

That leaves me where?

Shyte up a creek, that's where.

 

No, I can understand and relate....looking back at your thread....I also am a Leo, him a Gemini....always said if I could find his evil twin I would kill it. But yes, my codependency actually started in my childhood, had nothing to do with drug dependency, alcohol...any of that, had everything to do with emotional abuse....which is why my people picker is off. I pass over very nice, normal men for the ones that I think I can fix as they are as messed up as me. My therapist and I went over it very precisely. I don't say NO because I fear that people wouldn't love me, this is precisely what I do with my son and daughter and give in to them, it's why I don't say no to work (and work longer hours putting my family out), and it was why I would let my ex have his "parties" here knowing that I was going to have to find a way to get him to bed.

 

I would like to think that I am just coming to acceptance that he has made his choice...and it was a good one for him. If she brings out the best in him, so be it...it soothes me to know that just maybe there will be someone out that will do the same for me. Not beating down or up......just hope really, once I get myself better now that I know where my issues were and don't let them haunt me so much.

[LittleTiger]

I would like to think that I am just coming to acceptance that he has made his choice...and it was a good one for him. If she brings out the best in him, so be it...it soothes me to know that just maybe there will be someone out that will do the same for me. Not beating down or up......just hope really, once I get myself better now that I know where my issues were and don't let them haunt me so much.

 

Trippi, once you get yourself better, assuming you ride the wave all the way to the shore (and believe me, sometimes it's a bumpy ride and you will want to jump off!), your issues will not haunt you at all. If you're still being haunted there is more work to do.

 

It's sounds as though you want to go the whole way and you should be very proud of that. It takes a lot of courage. When you reach the beach and feel that sense of calm, you'll realise it was all worth it. Just remember that if you were still with your ex and doing all this work on yourself, once you do get yourself better, your relationship would probably have broken down anyway. Healthy partner + unhealthy partner is not a good match. It's not really a question of his new girl bringing out the best in him or of him bringing out the worst in you. I don't know your full story but this relationship has clearly reached the end and you are already moving on.

 

When you are fully healed you can bring out the best in yourself - no partner required. Then you can have fun finding a guy who is as 'together' as you are and mental conditions just won't be an issue.

 

I wish you well with this Trippi - you will get there!