Mental Conditions and Deterioration of Marriage

[habs53]

A while back, someone said for me to start my own rant in relation to another thread, some of you know that I have been going through some issues and have been on a medical leave from my job trying to get help from the stress I have been under (issues with son, ex, work...etc.).

 

I will admit that the bleakest night of my life was back on April 8th when I was ready to take my own life...that, coupled with work stress....my mind just snapped a couple of weeks later.

 

I know that my ex had his own problems, he drank, smoked weed and he had OCD...all conditions that can be worked on. But the stigma of Bipolar II has hit me so hard that I cry constantly. I don't want to do the things I did for fear that I will only hurt the people I care about. I also came to a realization yesterday during a discussion with my son......this IS my fault. Well, the illness at least, but anyone with bipolar has a very small success rate at relationships or marriage. I think I also don't have very good coping skills due to the alcoholism and the instability of the marriage either on the ex's side as he was never very supporting when it came to any sickness.

 

So, when I say that I am happy that he found what he was looking for in his new GF, I do mean that...because she is normal....not a mental basket case like me. I hear a lot of people tell me, yeah for now...give it time...but it's true and I have come to acceptance on that.

 

And, when you say that you can't stand what someone you love does in your relationship....make sure you have checked it all out with the MD and psychologist before throwing a marriage away. OCD is easily treatable, alcoholism and addictions can be overcome if the other person is willing. It might be something that is treatable, it might not...bipolar is a mental illness that never goes away, it just has to be managed with prescriptions and coping skills or cognitive behavior therapy, not very many people have the patience to deal with people like that.

 

YGG - on your thread, I stated if your husband has issues with addictions that could just be treatable, as long as he is willing, there could be something there to salvage. But if the issue is a mental condition that can be treated under a doctor's care, wouldn't you want to get back that man you originally married...perhaps? Yes, if his issues are addictions that he refuses to seek treatment for and puts the blame off on you, then you have no choice but to show him the door or vice versa....but please make sure that is the true issue. Read up on it and really talk to him about it when he is sober.

This is what I wanted to email you the other day, but never got a response from you. Good luck.

 

Trippi

I have had at least 6 or 7 people tell me that they think my wife is Bipolar. Gees just look at the start of my thread. Well anyways, i told her at the start i cannot love someone that cannot help themselves. I still believe this. I know her depressions and other issues have allot to do with the state we are in now. Now i find myself drawing further away from her and cannot picture myself living again with a person like this. My breakup has got to be one of the weirdest i have ever seen. Its like she was doctor jeckal and mr hide.

[trippi1432]

I have had at least 6 or 7 people tell me that they think my wife is Bipolar. Gees just look at the start of my thread. Well anyways, i told her at the start i cannot love someone that cannot help themselves. I still believe this. I know her depressions and other issues have allot to do with the state we are in now. Now i find myself drawing further away from her and cannot picture myself living again with a person like this. My breakup has got to be one of the weirdest i have ever seen. Its like she was doctor jeckal and mr hide.

 

HABS - not to be ugly or anything...bipolar can be treated with proper medication. My ex was not bipolar that I know of, but was both OCD and a blackout drunk....his Jeckyll/Hyde moments sent the entire house running for cover.

 

When my doctor diagnosed me with this genetic illness, I asked him how could someone hide being bipolar for more than 40 years of their life, he claimed it was mild bipolar and I masked it by staying busy with work, school and my family. With all of the stress that I have been under with the divorce, issues with my son, work and other things....my mind just snapped one day. I still say it was more PTSD than bipolar, but heck, I will take it since they lump them all together these days anyway.

 

At any rate, there are many things that people should not say to someone that they know has bipolar, it's disrespectful for one and even considered abusive in other situations. This is a list of them if you click the link.

 

While many people make fun of or shun people with this disorder due to a stigma of it, the truth there are many very famous and successful individuals with this condition here. This list even includes Van Gogh, Beethoven, Francis Ford Coppolla and Ted Turner to name a few.

 

I actually told my doctor today that it is more irritating to have people know that you have this condition because they use it against you. I can get upset with something that any normal person would get upset about....but for me to do that, I am labeled....might as well put a big L on my forehead.

 

So...if you think that this is your wife's condition, will she not seek medical help? Will she not take the meds she should be taking? Have you upset the condition by being saying things to her that would, in her mind, feel abusive (even though you didn't know at the time or were unaware)?

[wrencn]

I was recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I was really happy about this because it explains my terrible/crazy behavior for the past decade and also made me feel maybe I'm not this evil person- I always thought I was. However it doesn't take away the pain I've caused my husband.

 

It's just sad that I have this overwhelming fear of abandonment and I marry a man who would abandon me emotionally whenever he was upset with me as punishment... then I would do terrible things because I could not cope.

 

The good news is I will be prepared for future relationships, I just hate that it was at the cost of my current one.

[habs53]

HABS - not to be ugly or anything...bipolar can be treated with proper medication. My ex was not bipolar that I know of, but was both OCD and a blackout drunk....his Jeckyll/Hyde moments sent the entire house running for cover.

 

When my doctor diagnosed me with this genetic illness, I asked him how could someone hide being bipolar for more than 40 years of their life, he claimed it was mild bipolar and I masked it by staying busy with work, school and my family. With all of the stress that I have been under with the divorce, issues with my son, work and other things....my mind just snapped one day. I still say it was more PTSD than bipolar, but heck, I will take it since they lump them all together these days anyway.

 

At any rate, there are many things that people should not say to someone that they know has bipolar, it's disrespectful for one and even considered abusive in other situations. This is a list of them if you click the link.

 

While many people make fun of or shun people with this disorder due to a stigma of it, the truth there are many very famous and successful individuals with this condition here. This list even includes Van Gogh, Beethoven, Francis Ford Coppolla and Ted Turner to name a few.

 

I actually told my doctor today that it is more irritating to have people know that you have this condition because they use it against you. I can get upset with something that any normal person would get upset about....but for me to do that, I am labeled....might as well put a big L on my forehead.

 

So...if you think that this is your wife's condition, will she not seek medical help? Will she not take the meds she should be taking? Have you upset the condition by being saying things to her that would, in her mind, feel abusive (even though you didn't know at the time or were unaware)?

 

Nobody actually told her this. This is just what they thought.

[trippi1432]

Nobody actually told her this. This is just what they thought.

 

I guess that there is no way to get her to go to a doctor to be diagnosed? Is there anyone else in her family that is, or is thought to be, bipolar? Reason I ask is that bipolar is a genetic condition, supposedly you are born with it and someone else in her family could have it as well. Perhaps never diagnosed.

 

I was recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I was really happy about this because it explains my terrible/crazy behavior for the past decade and also made me feel maybe I'm not this evil person- I always thought I was. However it doesn't take away the pain I've caused my husband.

 

It's just sad that I have this overwhelming fear of abandonment and I marry a man who would abandon me emotionally whenever he was upset with me as punishment... then I would do terrible things because I could not cope.

 

The good news is I will be prepared for future relationships, I just hate that it was at the cost of my current one.

 

Hi wrencn - It's good that you finally know what you are dealing with, the more I read up on BPD I relate to many of those symptoms as well. It was strange that in our group sessions, the therapist would not talk about personality disorders when I inquired about them. BPD develops over time in relation to traumatic experiences such as abandonment, sexual abuse, etc. I also find it interesting that it develops over time and is ingrained in the psyche of the patient. Learning coping skills and medications can help with the symptoms of BPD from what I have read. I can totally relate to you on being married to someone who abandons you emotionally as well as physically.

 

The problems I have with psychiatric analysis is that it is hit or miss in most cases. For example, I have never had one episode of Hypomania which is a classic Bipolar trait (wish I could have one of those episodes, I would get a lot accomplished instead of feeling depressed and overwhelmed all the time), have I been impulsive...yes, who hasn't, do I like to shop (truthfully, not really would rather shop online, hate going to stores)..but I've never put my finances in danger for that. And, having been in a 15 year monogamous relationship....the sexual promiscuity just doesn't hold water (however, now that I am single, it could be fun and I have a flipping excuse now...LOL!!) :D

 

In truth, I cannot say for sure that any of the traits of OCD or Bipolar played a role in the demise of my marriage....I know that living with someone who is OCD is manageable but can be hard...I also find it interesting that my ex tends to have more of the Bipolar symptoms than I do and bipolar runs in his family (his nephew gets disability payments for the diagnosis). I have witnessed the nephews bipolar and it is extreme, rapid speech, cannot have one coherent thought, totally risky behavior which has landed him in jail a few times, outlandish ideas and moves from one girl to another at the drop of hat.

 

The only bipolar traits I have shown are the less need for sleep, extroverted and highly competitive (more due to my work environment than anything else). If that means that I am having a hypomanic episode...well, I know about 700 more people at my company who are bipolar as well.

 

I can say positively now that I have issues with abandonment....my father left when I was 12 and I hardly saw him for years. My mother emotionally abandoned me for years after that, my first husband abandoned his daughter and I with a note on the table and no indication that he was going to leave (he also was emotionally unavailable for the most part and would stay gone for days at a time partying leaving me totally alone with no one to relate to or talk to as we had no phone, left me with no car and we lived in the middle of nowhere for me to get to friends or family).

 

So, I can say that all of that did play a role in my last marriage...it was much easier to detach my feelings once I came out of that "lust" stage and started seeing all the red flags in my marriage. Trying to address them with someone with the issues my ex had was like a brutal war between armies in most cases. He did AA and I did Al-Anon for a bit....didn't work, we tried couple counseling....he went one time, never wanted to go back. And lastly, we tried marriage counseling when he left the last time and then came back home. He did one session, would not do it again. He even refused to go to counseling with his son recently because he felt that the psychiatrist would be analyzing him instead of helping our son.

 

No, I was not a perfect angel in my marriage; however, I don't know how much or what I can contribute to a specific diagnosis of anything other than anxiety, drive and ambition to provide for my family (I do believe now that this drive and ambition was directly related to being able to provide security for myself and the children without relying on a man due to the previous abandonment issues) and the inability to handle or cope well with my ex's issues, constantly being miserable or being the life of the party until he blacked out from drinking. While his leaving was a cruel thing to do, and pulling a girlfriend out of the closet several weeks later was even more cruel...I look back on this and I know that my detachment from the relationship had a lot to do with him leaving but I now see that as a blessing because I can find my own happiness one day with a better person.

 

I do worry about future relationships and the stigma of this diagnosis. I know that I attach quickly to a relationship and in that, the insecurity is increased due to previous abandonment. I also know that I tend to attract and become attracted to men who have issues, perhaps my own issue with wanting to "fix" everything and not setting healthy boundaries. I know these are issues I have to work on and find it best currently to just detach myself from feeling anything with men until someone proves they are worth it and feels I am worth it as well. Even then, I have learned that it's best to be cautious and not let my guard completely down ever again. If that never happens, I'm just going to have a lot of fun while searching for it because life is too short to be that unhappy.

[wrencn]

Trippi- I was very lucky that the marriage therapist I found works under a psychiatrist who has written a book and is famous for BPD http://www.bpddemystified.com/

 

My therapist told me to go read the book and it was me word for word except for the suicidal tendencies and munchausen syndrome. Thank you for sharing your story, that means a lot because I've been through a similar situation.

 

My mother had an anuerysm when I was 7 and hasn't walked or been the same since. She is wheelchair bound and can not care for herself. My father didn't handle this well and would leave me alone with her for days on end while he went out and got drunk and slept around. I had to do things at 7 (like change my mothers diapers and feed her) that would put a lot of stress on any adult. I also just found out about a month ago that I was molested by a childhood friend. I always knew something had happened but I couldn't think back past a certain point, I could only remember right after it happened and how everyone was acting very strangely and wouldn't tell me what was going on. No one ever told me, they just pretended it never happened. Then at 19 when I was deployed in the army, the guy I was in love with abandoned me after I got pregnant...

 

my husband showed up like prince charming (we met 2 years prior in basic training and always liked each other but fell out of touch). He said he didn't care if I was pregnant, it just gave him another person to love. Well we end up married 4 months later. I didn't want to get married but I let him and his mother talk me into it. And the rest is history... I did grow to love him but as you can see we were probably destined for failure, its a miracle we've lasted 11 years.

 

I do worry about the stigma of having BPD and I don't know if I will tell my future husband about it now that I know how to handle it- I will make it known about my abandonment issues though. That is probably a part of me that will never go away no matter how much therapy or meds I take.

[habs53]

Trippi may i pm you?

[trippi1432]

Trippi may i pm you?

 

Sure, just added you to my contacts.

[trippi1432]

Trippi- I was very lucky that the marriage therapist I found works under a psychiatrist who has written a book and is famous for BPD http://www.bpddemystified.com/

 

My therapist told me to go read the book and it was me word for word except for the suicidal tendencies and munchausen syndrome. Thank you for sharing your story, that means a lot because I've been through a similar situation.

 

My mother had an anuerysm when I was 7 and hasn't walked or been the same since. She is wheelchair bound and can not care for herself. My father didn't handle this well and would leave me alone with her for days on end while he went out and got drunk and slept around. I had to do things at 7 (like change my mothers diapers and feed her) that would put a lot of stress on any adult. I also just found out about a month ago that I was molested by a childhood friend. I always knew something had happened but I couldn't think back past a certain point, I could only remember right after it happened and how everyone was acting very strangely and wouldn't tell me what was going on. No one ever told me, they just pretended it never happened. Then at 19 when I was deployed in the army, the guy I was in love with abandoned me after I got pregnant...

 

my husband showed up like prince charming (we met 2 years prior in basic training and always liked each other but fell out of touch). He said he didn't care if I was pregnant, it just gave him another person to love. Well we end up married 4 months later. I didn't want to get married but I let him and his mother talk me into it. And the rest is history... I did grow to love him but as you can see we were probably destined for failure, its a miracle we've lasted 11 years.

 

I do worry about the stigma of having BPD and I don't know if I will tell my future husband about it now that I know how to handle it- I will make it known about my abandonment issues though. That is probably a part of me that will never go away no matter how much therapy or meds I take.

 

wrencn - thanks for sharing that link...I will definitely take a look at that. The thing about BPD and Bipolar is that some of the symptoms are the same...and pretty much, you can just have anxiety, or PTSD...but the doctors want to throw the bipolar label on it for treating it. I've actually read that treating a person for bipolar when they do not have bipolar can cause hypomanic episodes where non truly existed before. When they put me on the mood stabilizer, I felt more out of control than I had ever felt, that was the Depakote. Now on Lamectril, the only side affect I have now is that I cannot sleep, even with taking a sleep med. So, how good is it when one medication treats one symptom but causes another....I don't know...still trying to figure it all out myself.

 

My heart goes out to you, being that young and having to care for your mother...that is a huge responsibility at such a young age. Finding out the other trauma of sexual abuse creates even more anxiety but at least helps to identify it. It's actually good that you know about this now and can work through it. I knew about mine, carried it for many, many years before I finally was able to address it in therapy recently. Abandonment and sexual abuse are two traumas that are hard to get over, but working on them is the best thing you can do.

 

I haven't read all of your story yet....but I do have a question...11 years is a lot of history and you said that your H came out like a Prince Charming but you had to grow to love him. You are aware that abandonment and sexual abuse traumas make it easier to detach from relationships that may very well be healthy and loving? Just throwing that out there as food for thought. My ex had way too many problems of his own that he would not seek help for, so there was no way to make the marriage healthy for either of us....

[wrencn]

Trippi- I have kept my distance from my husband at times but there was a big problem with communication on his part, so it was very hard to get close to someone who doesn't know how to take any negative comment without blowing it up and refusing to talk to me. I mean we got married when I was 19 and he was 20. I was his first real adult relationship. But even now at 31, he doesn't know how to communicate with me. He also has self esteem/identity issues and lies about things and makes up stories so I don't know what is true and what is a lie. I am far from perfect and caused lots of problems, but he did too.

 

I was diagnosed with PTSD by my therapist but a psychiatrist at the VA told me if you don't fear for your life it isn't PTSD, so who knows.

[trippi1432]

Trippi- I have kept my distance from my husband at times but there was a big problem with communication on his part, so it was very hard to get close to someone who doesn't know how to take any negative comment without blowing it up and refusing to talk to me. I mean we got married when I was 19 and he was 20. I was his first real adult relationship. But even now at 31, he doesn't know how to communicate with me. He also has self esteem/identity issues and lies about things and makes up stories so I don't know what is true and what is a lie. I am far from perfect and caused lots of problems, but he did too.

 

I was diagnosed with PTSD by my therapist but a psychiatrist at the VA told me if you don't fear for your life it isn't PTSD, so who knows.

 

Well, I'm betting that Gunny might chime in here on this discussion....communication between men and women....well....let's put it this way....it just sucks!!! :laugh:

 

Men never "get it" and women never "ask it right".....so yes, there is communication breakdown whether you have any condition including being absolutely normal.

 

Gunny - if you are out there.....take it away my friend on the art of communication. :love:

 

(BTW - just for communication sake, my ex had a t-shirt that stated, "Do you want to?".....I found one that I would wear just to screw with him..."Fugetaboutit".) :lmao:

[LaterTater]

Trippi1432,

 

Sorry hun, but you are wrong on the bipolar and relashionships. I am bipolar as well as my brother and sister. As you probably already know that it does run through a family like wildfire. I was married to my first husband for 27 yrs. The reason for divorce was his whiskey and weed, not to mention the female he was banging at the deer camp. I have been on several different medications, the side effects are pure hell for me. I refuse to take any meds ever again. So.... I have some mood swings. I like me, if someone has a problem with a person with bipolar, get over it ! Truely they should be knowledgable to NOT PISS YOU OFF !!!

Honestly, I have a punching bag in my carport for the really bad days. I do a lot of meditation and breathing. Divorces happen every day, even to people without bipolar.

 

LOVE YOURSELF

[trippi1432]

Trippi1432,

 

Sorry hun, but you are wrong on the bipolar and relashionships. I am bipolar as well as my brother and sister. As you probably already know that it does run through a family like wildfire. I was married to my first husband for 27 yrs. The reason for divorce was his whiskey and weed, not to mention the female he was banging at the deer camp. I have been on several different medications, the side effects are pure hell for me. I refuse to take any meds ever again. So.... I have some mood swings. I like me, if someone has a problem with a person with bipolar, get over it ! Truely they should be knowledgable to NOT PISS YOU OFF !!!

Honestly, I have a punching bag in my carport for the really bad days. I do a lot of meditation and breathing. Divorces happen every day, even to people without bipolar.

 

LOVE YOURSELF

 

Thank you so much for posting......I want to come off the meds so bad as I think they have done more harm than good over the past couple of months. I think a lot of my issues are from PTSD rather than bipolar.

 

As Gunny states, you don't have to be in the Marines or served in a war to develop symptoms of stress and anxiety. I was assessed with bipolar just from a few people observing some mood swings when I got upset that my family was interfering in my treatment and thought they were doing the right thing by taking my meds from me and threatening to commit me (why, because I was taking the meds as prescribed by my doctor, had gone on a leave from work and decided to do out-patient counseling for my nerves and learning coping skills).

 

I do agree, whether someone is bipolar, suffering from PTSD or any anxiety...people should not piss them off and make matters worse. My family (while they had the best of intentions at the time) is horrible for doing exactly this. My daughter, who has turned into this person I no longer know, has been building my anxiety for several days now....to the point that I had to decide yesterday to set a boundary to cut her out of my life for a bit until she gets herself back together and grows up again.

 

I know what you mean though about the whiskey, weed and infidelity. Mine was beer, weed and loyalty to his drinking buddy...the OW came later, but I'm sure was in the background. Fifteen years of listening to his whiny voice and yelling and screaming are finally gone....the effects it left behind is that I cannot be around anyone who raises their voice. My nerves go to crap then. My biggest thing now is learning the appropriate coping skills in the face of adversity and confrontation....don't think I can find that in a pill bottle.

 

Thanks for the feedback and advice, I appreciate it.